The Adelaide scene: to many of you it may be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctional splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
SONIC DEATH MONKEY + TEA + TINY CONSPIRACY LIVE @ THE GRACE EMILY + THE ED CASTLE + NEXUS CABARET / Saturday December 11th 2010
So heeere we are: second to last episode, SECOND TO LAST EPISODE!! of the year 2010 perhaps? or possibly even..? "NOOOO!! YOU DON'T MEAN TO TELL US!?". No, no! no need to go down THAT road just yet. Or at least not until next week's final episode, give or take any "end of year awards" I might be obliged to write.. GUH DAMNIT!! (and yes I freaking hate that shit, but you all seem to love it so I keep writing them you limelight leeching fucks!). Either way considering all of THAT hanging like a "grinning guillotine blade" in front of me, who's gonna pay attention to any of THIS? pfft.. I mean seriously!? this second to last episode in a season? this proverbial "eleventh hour" before the final curtain call and that end of season cliffhanger that'll keep us endlessly speculating over "summer hiatus" just who (or what) lives or dies!? Oh I sure as shit haven't! In fact in all the weeks leading upto this episode I didn't even think to plan anything at all.. it's true! I had nothing but a blinking command prompt, I was even thinking of blowing the whole week off, fuck it.. what do I care!? But alas such is the diabolical nature of this blog, and its idiotic infamy and "retarding popularity" (utterly in spite of itself) in "covering" the Adelaide scene? all the offers started rolling in regardless: offers I couldn't possibly refuse, insane offers coinciding and annoyingly conflicting, and then I started cooking up the craaaziest plan. I mean no one's gonna remember ANY of this shit in a week's time riiight!? let alone in months or years to come! nobody's gonna give a flying fuck WHAT I write about (I mean do they ever? ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME YOU FACEBOOK PHOTO STEALING NARCISSISTS!!) so instead of simply covering just ONE of these gigs on offer tonight? to hell with it duuude.. I'll cover ALL OF THEM!! all four gigs in four venues in one night just to see if it can be done!? OOOOH YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT BAAABY!! It's gonna be THE ultimate game of "venue-tag" maaan! (as much as you're likely stifling a loud yawn) it's gonna be utterly unprecedented! Four venues! FOUR VENUES.. IN THE ONE NIGHT!? WHOAAA FUCK!! Yup I've already listed three in the header above, the fourth I've purposefully left out.. why? well mostly it's just to save space (but also just to fuck with you trying to figure it out "who it is" before scrolling down to discover it for yourself.. pfft!) and it all begins HERE at Nexus!? Yup and not just because it's my first venue for the night, but also because I totally LIVE for photographing floating orange signs!
And I'm here for a performance of "Tiny Conspiracy" tonight: even though I'd already covered that shit BEFORE (and at ridiculous length right down to the "top secret" envelope I was handed at the front door) when Anya and her band Bird Wizdom presented it as part of The Cabaret Fringe Festival back in June; so really there's no point in me writing about it AGAIN. Only she offered ever so nicely and I accepted (damnit.. MY ONE AND ONLY WEAKNESS!!). She's throwing it (in part) to help celebrate her birthday, which is where all the subsequent "binge drinking" will surely justify ME in showing up; as yes it's the only reason I usually ever bother to leave the house in the first place (short of all the others of course.. except since when has this blog been about anything but!?) but most of all I was totally drawn in hook, line and sinker by the accompanying "Director's Note" she posted on facebook (and conveniently tagged me in) in the lead up to it. Now I dunno if that link will work for you or not (considering the ever more intangible vagueries of facebook's public/privacy settings) but I dare you, no matter HOW beyond cynical and jaded you are (especially those of you in any way creatively inclined) NOT to shed a tear at the heartwarmingly beautiful sentiment of it. Yup she SO scammed me good in getting me here tonight.. and I'm so not ashamed to admit it!
TINY CONSPIRACY (****) facebook :: As such most of what I'll be writing for THIS fartarse excuse for a "live review" I'd already written before and likely much "funnier" in observational insight (as let's face it by December I've pretty much scraped to the very bottom of the barrel in "hilarious pisstakes" in which to insult them with) and even more needlessly stupid? I'm reviewing a piece of "musical theatre" for the second time running (I know, riiight?). Which is kinda like reviewing Steering By Stars performing the exact same setlist three weeks in a row (yeaaah and wasn't that an "entertaining" read for us all.. wait where did everyone go!?) only it's even MORE pointless to review again, because with a script and everything it's actually MEANT to sound the same. But maybe with "Tiny Conspiracy" tonight this isn't necessarily a bad thing for me to do. For one I enjoyed the hell out of it the first time I saw it (and it's holding up exceptionally well revisiting it). And secondly in "studying" it here again, not only can I appreciate all the more all the "little things" that made it so brilliantly batshit insane in the first place, but being a live performance I can totally pick out all the subtle differences too. But before I get too ahead of myself here, maybe a little "reintroduction" to all this is in order. This is "Tiny Conspiracy" the latest performance piece from the band Bird Wizdom. And as a band: think equal parts Dresden Dolls, Regina Spector and Tom Waits. And as a performance piece: think the kind of shitcrazy nervous breakdown an artist suffers after a Festival Fringe (ie: when the Adelaide arts scene all but "disappears" on them and they can't fit into society anymore) put into song with puppets, only those "puppets" are totally people in her band. Or better yet simply picture Seinfeld as reinterpretted by both Tim Burton and Terry Gilliam on a mad tab of acid and you wouldn't be far off the mark (and yes I'm a little frightened by that description too.. and I'VE ALREADY SEEN IT BEFORE!!). So what's "different" then? Well for starters it's in a totally different venue. I originally saw it at La Bohème and it's somewhat missing those rich velvet curtains and the cozy Parisian setting to give it that added arty farty authenticity (I mean c'mon they had that Maker's Mark candelabra and everything.. HOW COULD YOU BEAT THAT SHIT!?). But in trade-off here at Nexus Cabaret? they've got a much bigger stage setup, more impressive lighting and perhaps a slightly better live sound. They've also got a smoke machine: but that's more a curse than a blessing, as the retarded hissing noises it makes, usually in the quietest moments, almost threatens to derail them (seriously how they never lost their shit laughing to it is beyond me!?). Also slightly different is their lineup, with the inclusion of Matt Gorgula as their live drummer (from Monkey Puzzle Tree) but that's maybe a trivial note at best as you rarely notice him hiding behind their guitarist Tom Windram, who's got that whole "artful aloofness" nailed to the point of being borderline narcoleptic (and yes he's all the more brilliant because of it). Their live performance as a whole is just that little more polished too: Lilly Sim's bellydancing (yes they have a bellydancer.. what? YOU DON'T!?) seem to make that much more "sense" in integration, the spoken word bits between songs seem less "forced" and more free flowing conversational; but on the downside the crowd isn't interacting nearly as much to it (but maybe that's down to the stage at Nexus being further away and thus not so "fourth wall" breaking in presence). But what really kills it for me are the a-grade genius songs amongst all the wacky theatrics. From opening number "Socialising Vs Bike-Riding" rife in lyrical wit (the bit where she mentions accidently "trying to oil someone up at a party and riding them home" proves to be the most mentally scarring.. but in a good way!). To the wailing nervous breakdown in "Tea, Tea, Tea" that only gets funnier the more Anya squeaks in shitcrazy hysterics. To the gypsy stomp percussion of "Psychotic Freak", the acapella harmonies between Anya and bassist Annie Siegmann in "Girl Sat Down" and the melancholy reflection of "Graveyard". To the near slapstick comedy routine between Phi Theodorus and Lilly Sim in "Georgie Porgie", and Bones' spastic happy dance in their encore "Balamouk" (possibly improvised but no less hilarious) no two songs come out quite the same way. So as much as it's arguably the same shit/different smell in revisiting it? it truly doesn't smells any less sweet. Yup that's "Tiny Conspiracy". Word is they're working on a new album, cooking up a whole new stage show (and touring New Zealand!) in 2011. And with shit THIS nuts now? who knows what head exploding insanity they'll have in store for us all in the future!?
10:25PM - With the first act done and dusted to much hooting applause and screaming for more encores (like perhaps that wacky one featuring a pirate hat we missed out on last time?) I was all set to hit up the next venue for my second act, only to discover that "Tiny Conspiracy" wasn't the only thing Nexus Cabaret had on offer tonight, ooooh no it was merely the warm up act for Zerner Zerner. And who the fuck are "Zerner Zerner"!? pfft.. beats the hell out of me duuude! it's only their first show tonight and your guess is as good as mine, but you may recognise their lead singer Timmy Friday as the spastic rubberband bass player/Carson Kressley impersonator who used to be in Tyger Tyger (the most infamously over hyped Adelaide band of 2008) as well as moonlighting in everything from Jimmy & The Mirrors (as their horn player that one time back in 2009) to playing bass and pulling shapes in Bird Wizdom (or at least that one time in August this year). Now usually this would be an opportune moment for me to review them in following, except that: (a) it's their first show tonight and I try not to make a habit out of reviewing those; at least not since I almost put their bass player Annie Siegmann into a mental asylum when I "reviewed" her band The Belle Curve and their first (and perhaps only) show back in 2006 (would you believe I totally invented that rule because of her and everything!? I shit you not!) and possibly because (b) of all the three of four songs I actually saw of them? I seriously didn't have a clue what to make of it. I mean in the very least you COULD consider them mid 90's funk reminiscent of Red Hot Chili Pepper's "One Hot Minute" album as reinterpretted by Vince Noir from The Mighty Boosh with a spastic falsetto and a lot of mad flailing.. but that'd be selling them somewhat short. So instead I shot a video of their second song so you can judge for yourselves. Zerner Zerner? yup.. totally look that shit up!
10:43PM - And then when I eventually DID crawl out of Nexus Cabaret? (because yeaaah I don't know if Zerner Zerner had anything to do with it but I might have experience a little difficulty in finding the exit signs) I inadvertantly bump into Anya Mcnicol-Windram going "birdfeeder" beserk on this bowl of candy. Hmmm yup. An incident which clearly called for another five minutes or me taking photos of it pissing myself laughing not just because I thought this was the "funniest shit ever" (and I hadn't even been drinking to come to that conclusion!? oh crap I must have a brain tumour!) but also because I suddenly found the prospect of hitting three more live venues tonight just that little bit "daunting". I mean hey, they've got free candy (and not just m&ms and skittles, they totally have maltesers, fantales and everything!) why the fuck would I EVER want to leave!?
Or yeaaah on second thoughts? maybe we'll just leave them to it.
JEFF MARTIN & TEREPAI RICHMOND (*****) facebook :: Now obviously a name of such international acclaim (who forms the first half of this duo) needs no pissy little "introduction" from me, we ALL know who Jeff Martin is.. "JEFF MARTIN! JEFF MARTIN!? YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!? I WISH HE'D FATHER ALL MY LOVE SPAWN ALREADY!! FUUUCK ME!!": you'd likely scream at the top of your lungs, moments before fainting at the mere suggestion of his name (and you should see how the women react to this crap.. pants wetting hysteria I tells ya!) which is kinda why I DIDN'T mention him right from the outset (or the fact I was going to Jive to review his shit) or I would've caused a mad stampede of people crashing this server for a chance to catch him in "action". Well maybe. Unless of course you happen to be born anywhere from the late 80's to the early 90's (which I suspect form the vast majority of my "readership" madly flicking between facebook, 4chan and pitchfork on their iphones waiting impatiently for FiveThousand to refresh ARE) in which case you wouldn't have a fucking clue what I'm talking about here, or why all these people happily paid more than $40 a ticket for the privilege to see him (and how!). So allow me to catch you up to speed. Jeff Martin used to be the lead singer of The Tea Party. "The what WHAT now!?" yeaaah fuck I dunno? they were some kinda Canadian band!? (if you smoked lots of weed in 1996 and collected Led Zeppelin boxsets you would've known them!) and for a few glorious years in the mid to late 90's they were worshipped as the second coming of The Doors and he was their "Jim Morrison". And ever since then? after disbanding Tea Party in 2005, forming The Armada in 2008 and touring as a solo artist inbetween? he's been to Australian audiences aged 30 and over what David Hasselhoff has been to Germany. No not a national embarassment to rival the Third Reich "HA HA HA check it out duuudes.. he's eating a sandwich off the floor!" nope he's been nothing less than a LIVING EMBODIMENT OF ROCK & ROLL.. YEAAAS!! And as for the other wingnut? drummer Pterodactyl? Tamagotchi.. *cough* I mean Terepai Richmond!? well apparently he used to an integral member of Sydney band Directions In Groove (DIG) back in the 90's before joining The Whitlams in 1999 before going freelance for everyone from Savage Garden, Guy Sebastian to Delta Goodrem (yeaaah you SO wished you didn't know all that now huh!?) but in combination here as "Jeff Martin & Terepai Richmond" they truly are a diabolical power duo to behold. And the first thing you notice about them? is the shitcrazy fanatical fanbase they've attracted, packed right upto the air vents blocking your view, screaming in unbridled hysterics over everything they do (or more accurately just for Jeff Martin). And the vast majority of them (especially out front) are giggling 40+ women of the hippie/wiccan persuasion: the sort who scream out "WE LOVE YOU JEFFREY!!" (and feverishly offer him to violate them and their daughters if ever he but glances in their direction) yes.. I know! And yet it's as both downright disturbing as it's weirdly "inspiring" to me. I mean I'm SO used to seeing scenester disdain everywhere I go: that semi-circle of doom out front of stage, nodding heads nodding off into the beers and near empty band rooms at The Ed Castle or The Metro, while everyone forms a fashion catwalk out in the beergarden to all the SLR social shooters "get tagging everybody!".. that all this adoration comes off as nothing short of a revelation! THANK FUUUCK!! PEOPLE STILL GIVE A SHIT ABOUT LIVE MUSIC!! But it also makes it nothing short of a chiropractic nightmare trying to photograph it all, punching your way through the howling hoards, trying your best not to trip over theirs handbags, only to crouch awkwardly for 10 minutes at a time whincing so you don't block their diminutive stature behind you all gnashing and wailing *phew*. But when you hear them play? you begin to understand WHY! Jeff Martin has THAT voice: that smoother than smooth baritone that legends are made of. Johnny Cash had it, Jim Morrison had it, Ian Curtis had it, and Jeff Martin sure as shit is dishing it up in spades and this entire room is soaking it up like a sponge worshipping it. And everything else in their instrumentation is merely garnish in accompanying it. From the acoustic guitar Jeff plays (that loops and spins backwards around itself in echo and delay) to Terepai's loose tribal percussion.. it's all about the voice. Part Jim Morrison, part Eddie Vedder's soundtrack to "Into The Wild" and he has this whole crowd in the palm of his hand in absolute awe of it? Jeff Martin? how the fuck does this mad baaastard do it!?
Well obviously the reason why I'm writing all this ridiculous gibberish on him and the reason why he's attracted such a fanatical fanbase is because he's a veritable goldmine in rock & roll cliches: he's a mad cartoon character encapsulation to it, he's a gift that simply keeps on giving, duuude it's freaking hilarious to think people like him still EXIST! And it's not just the voice (with a shitload of reverb to make it just that little more stupidly "epic" when he belts it) it's the "rock god" persona, the stage presence, the gargantuan "beyond the orbit of Pluto" ego that he's being ever so "casual" in underplaying because HE KNOWS he's that shit hot (and it's not like his fanclub aren't forthcoming in reminding him either.. sheeesh!). And then there's the stories; oh maaan the fucking stories! Every song he plays, EVERY DAMN SONG HE PLAYS!! (and you can see from the setlist below it's predominantly The Tea Party's second and third albums: "Splendour Solis" and "The Edges Of Twilight" with a few other ring-ins to round it out.. so it's hard to fault it) there's always some shitcrazy epic adventure to accompany it. From the time he was living in Ireland, or Egypt, or The Caribbean learning incomprehensibly exotic instrument A-Z, or hanging out with their country's equivalent of Bob Dylan and seeing eye to eye with a fucking badger, or really getting to know the religion of Voodoo.. only he says it's called "Santería" because that's what the natives told him (hence the misspelt song of the same name in the setlist). And yeaaah I really didn't pay too much attention to the rest of it, he just had a LOT of fucking stories! He also threw in a lot of covers, snippets mostly, interwoven with everything else like a witches brew: everything from The Doors' "Five To One" (and yes he happily addressed that running joke over how much he's ripped off their sound TOO over the years), to Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love", Joy Divisions "Love Will Tear Us Apart" and Massive Attack's "Inertia Creeps". And as much as I'm rolling my eyes to all this shit (I mean C'MON!!) he IS a born entertainer, he's laughing it up having the time of his life, duuude he's fucking Jeff Martin! how could you not celebrate the living shit out of THAT for being the "sublime comedy" that he truly is!? And as for Terepai? yeaaah well he did pull some mad percussion, he had his own thing going on (and brilliantly so) but mostly he'll just be remembered as that vague "tweed cap" off to the periphery.. because we all know who this show's REALLY for!
11:55PM - And not surprisingly they went overtime too, well past DJ Craig's strictly enforced 11:30PM curfew for Saturday night's weekly installment of "Gosh" (well he DOES have one hell of a bloodlust to satiate.. VAMPIRE, BITCHES!!). And as much as Jeff DID casually acknowledge it in passing: "well we can't play for too much longer, this place does become a disco around midnight, but tomorrow night? oh we can go aaaall night long!" (again totally not rolling my eyes at that shit *cough* no not at all!). What was surprising however is that Jive simply let him have his "merry way" here until a few shades short of midnight: at which point after the obligatory encore, both Jeff Martin and "Tweed Cap" Whatsisface (hell of a drummer) simply waltzed off stage of their own accord.. I KNOW!! this may've been that ONE rare occassion outside Bob Log III or The Vasco Era where Jive actually gave someone their "seal of approval".. and a beaming thousand watt smile!? HA HA HA noooo let's not get too carried away, but for a brief moment I swear? the air seemed just that little bit "lighter and brighter".. and yes I was truly humbled to have been witness to it too!
12:08AM - Still this was no moment to "reflect" just yet. I still had two more bands to cover in two more venues, the problem being? which one to hit first: The Grace Emily or The Ed Castle. So in effort to help me decide (and since fuck it.. they were barely five minutes walk away from each other anyways) I quickly scouted the situation at both. At The Ed Castle opening act All Night Girls had just finished up and their second act were due to start in ten. While over at The Grace Emily, their headlining act were still awaiting their third guitarist Matt Hills, the same Matt Hills who was just seen mixing over at Jive.. and would you believe he spent the entire day recording and mixing all fifteen songs for an album in his studio for some country & western band too? (sheeeiiit and to think I'M the one who's writing this fucking blog? where's the logic in that!?). Anyhoo after waiting around just long enough for their headlining act to start at The Grace Emily (for a show I couldn't afford to miss) I rushed back to The Ed Castle for their second act.. why? yeah funny story that!
TEA (****1/2) facebook :: Which brings us to our third act (or technically fourth if we count Zerner Zerner) and at our third venue tonight, as much as they're actually The Ed Castle's second act (since elevated to defacto "headlining" status) and also the second time I've inadvertantly reviewed this band due to an hilarious fuckup caused by Tiger Airways (first time around knocking The Rocketsmiths off the bill so I'd catch them back in October.. hmmm?). Now in considering all that, someone slightly more suspicious than I miiight suspect that they're somehow behind this shit. And since I AM that kind of "suspicious" (and feel free to interpret that both ways) and I'd already accused them of that in the first place? (like maybe they've been phoning in bomb threats simply to scam themselves onto this blog!? NOOO WAY!!) with Betty Airs missing their crucial flight for a show that they "just so happen" to be playing tonight!? oh this all but confirms it! TEA ARE PURE FREAKING EVIL!! Better yet in effort to distract us from accusing them of any FURTHER acts in interstate touring terrorism? (oh we're through the looking glass now people!) not only do they front up on stage all wearing eye gouging AFL footy shorts "GUH!! SO MUCH PASTY WHITE THIGH!!" (and for no logical reason whatsoever? genius!), mere moments after regaining my senses? I'm then blinded repeatedly by one of their shit grinning entourage (lazy facebook research points to a certain "Thomas Wald") who blasts me 20-30 times in rapid succession with the flash bulb of his DSLR pointed directly at my face? Awesome! Still far be it for me to think any less of them because of that, it's actually one of the main reasons WHY they're so freaking entertaining as a live band. Better yet it's hardly unusual behaviour for them (or their crowd) to run amok like this. Nope put it mildly Tea like the fuck shit up.. OOOOH DO THEY EVER!! They're a welcome antitode from all those bands both wanky indie disco and private school "preppy" you've invariably seen at The Ed Castle where it's nothing but fashionista posing and polite handclaps (I mean suuure some in the crowd are still pulling that, but then watch as they're all sent flying into the walls and ceiling? SCORE!!). They play loud and fast lo-fi garage rock/greasy chicken fried chaos, they throw their shit around stage, swap instruments, you get pissdrunk laughing to it, everyone gets fucked up.. what's not to love!? Or in other words here? think everything snot nosed and belligerent from The Ramones, The Clash, The Saints, Wavves, Black Lips to Brian Jonestown Massacre thrown into a blender.. leaving the lid off to splatter everything all over the place and you'd have more than enough reasons to celebrate until the cops arrive.. YAHOOOO!! (and if it helps their guitarist/bassist Ray Dalfsen with his wailing vocals is a dab hand with the blues too!). As such, they DO present their own unique "challenges" in capturing on camera tonight (let alone making sense of it in a live review) as the crowd ain't exactly "passive" in their mad appreciation. No, a few shades short of a fullblown student riot in London or Paris (hold the molotovs?) would be a more apt description. But not only am I enjoying the shit out of near fearing for my life here, but The Ed Castle's shiny new stage lighting setup is freaking awesome in making every one of my shots look skull fuckingly dope regardless. Yup I might've mentioned this a few weeks ago (ie: somewhere between My Disco at Fowlers Live and me getting rubbishingly shitfaced at The Exeter?) just as I might have given them a quick test run "off the books" for The London Road Poet's single launch last night, but as much as there might be fists and frets flying every which way in The Ed Castle bandroom tonight? I swear it's never looked THIS good! I stuck around for maybe half their set mad bugging to it (to be honest I didn't want to leave) and with the shit they had shredding? oh it was like a needle stab full of adrenaline shat into a redbull shat into a microwave, shot out of a cannon it was THAT crazy! Yup that's Tea. According to their lead singer Dave Blumberg they're "the most retarded band in Adelaide, and you can quote me on it!" (ok.. I just did!) but shit damn are they a mad fucking buzz all the same!
1:01AM - At some point amongst all the carnage at The Ed Castle (and me hoping like hell my camera wouldn't be smashed concave trying to capture it) I might have "accidently" lost track of time. As much as I was glancing over at my watch every five minutes or so keeping an eagle eye on that shit, only to "suddenly" realise that I was maybe running just a teeny bit late for my fourth (or fifth?) final act.. OOOOPS!! So without further ado (completely unrelated to the fact I might've caught almost ALL of Tea's set and not half as originally stipulated) I made "haste" to my final live music destination at The Grace Emily: safe in the knowledge I'll be drinking myself stupid in at least two other destinations AFTERWARDS.. because shit damn do I need to get drunk after this!
SONIC DEATH MONKEY (****) facebook :: Now I know what you're thinking and yes you'd be dead right in your assumption (or shit duuude you could've just clicked that link above and you would've known!) but this isn't really a band called Sonic Death Monkey. "HA HA HA no really? like Jack Black's band in High Fidelity!?". No you idiots! because in the end of that film (after briefly considering Kathleen Turner Overdrive) he changed the name to Barry Jive And The Uptown Five.. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!! And again NO, this isn't a band called Sonic Death Monkey. I know.. I know! I kinda wish it was too! but I simply made the whole thing up just to fuck with our headlining act, because in actual fact it's Ride Into The Sun. Yes.. RIDE INTO THE SUN!! "Awww crap not these idiots again!?" (wait did I say that out loud!?). Or maybe it's just Ride Into The Sun by gross technicality? yeaaah lemme explain. You see I went to a wedding last Saturday.. but that's neither here or there. But afterwards I wound up at The Ed Castle where Anthony Candlish, Adam Vanderwerf and James Thomas (lead singer/guitarist, bass player and drummer respectively from Ride Into The Sun) were getting loudly drunk out in the beer garden. Obviously I thought to join them.. and should I mention more here? yeaaah what the hell! Turns out hours earlier there'd been a bit of a "disagreement" in the ranks. They'd somehow lost both Luke Mayes and Jessica Honeychurch (on guitar and keys respectively) I suggest looking under the sofa cushions for them, they gave me a look, I decided not to ask that question again (well they were offering me wine) and so now they were in a frantic search for replacements. And a few short hours and many bottles of wine later? Sonic Death Monkey was born; except obviously they're still Ride Into The Sun (aaand I think you can WHY I've called them Sonic Death Monkey too.. tee hee!). A band that still features the aforementioned Anthony, Adam and James (on lead vocals/guitar, bass and drums) with brand new member Todd Lawrie (who you might recognise from Trixie Plain) on second guitar (who yes, just so happened to be getting drunk at The Ed Castle that night.. half his luck!) and fill in member Matt Hills on third guitar (who clearly needs no introduction, because we all know he's the Adelaide scene's answer to Kevin Bacon). And as much as that SOUNDS like a disaster in the making? if tonight's set is any indication (or if all two songs I caught at the end were) it appears they've gotten away with murder.. and I don't mean we should be searching Jive's carpark for any suspicious "keyboard" shaped lumps anytime too soon (*sniff* I know! her slinky Cleopatra snake dance will be sorely missed the most!) but more because of how ridiculously badass they sounded tonight despite the fact they'd only had two rehearsals to show for it (and one of them was whilst blitheringly hungover on a Sunday!? WHOAAA FUCK!!). Firstly this is all thanks to fill in guitarist Matt Hills. I mean you can't go wrong with this cat and his mad droning guitar tones, he's a freaking genius! And even if he DOES go wrong: like when Anthony's mic cut out at the beginning of their song "Napoleon"? he's the one to fix it no questions asked, because yup.. he's the sound engineer! (no really, if you ain't loudly applauding that shit, then you don't know a living legend when you see one!). But he was only PART of the winning solution here, because what really salvaged this performance tonight and spat some serious shine on it was Todd Lawrie. And I know he doesn't look like much, and believe me he sounds like even LESS if ever you talk to him (as he doesn't so much as speak "English" as utter a Looney Tunes "Tasmanian Devil" dialect on a shitload of tranquilisers) but if ever you get him on guitar, and he makes his own custom guitar pedals I might add, he's nothing short of Thurston Moore from Sonic Youth and Joey Santiago from The Pixies making mad love to your brain. And with all five of these members combined? they take Sonic Death Mon.. *ooops* I mean Ride Into The Sun into a decidedly more diabolical shoegazer territory. Again I only heard two songs of it: "Napoleon" and "New Sunday" (which they only just wrote with Todd ON a Sunday) but at glance I'd describe it as everything you love about Sigur Rós with the distortion turned waaay up. Gruesome yes, like being fed an entire barbecued cow carcass through a combine harvester, but ultimately very satisfying. And that's Sonic Death Monkey, or Ride Into The Sun (or The Anton Newcome All Stars anyone!?) or whatever the fuck you want to call them now; and if they can come up with THIS in a week under duress? who knows what they'll cook up in a month!? yup I dunno about you.. but I'M EXCITED!!
1:15AM - Now I just knew I was witness to a moment in music history here: in every way it clearly wasn't and we'll probably just forget this shit in a week, or in a month, or pretty much in an hour's time when I've finally managed to catch up on all those beers I should've been drinking all night if I hadn't otherwise been jumping between four live venues, for the past four or five hours, like a fucking moron, trying to prove a point that really didn't need to be proven tonight *ahem* but what the fuck I figured I'd document it anyways! Isn't that right Todd Lawrie, guitarist for Ride Into The Sun, drinking a beer on stage right now!? HA HA HA yeaaah I don't why I'm doing this either!
1:22AM - Or their drummer James Thomas (who for some inexplicable reason they call "Balf") chewing through one of his cymbals. Hmmm yup. Just like I know I've told you countless times (countless times where you likely weren't paying attention) that he was nothing short of an axe murderer for this band, a butcher, a psycho (or possibly even the closest a human could ever come to being "Animal" from The Muppets) and you've likely gone "yeaaah yeaaah Spoz, tell us another story!". But damnit people, HE'S CHEWING ON ONE OF HIS CYMBALS! LIKE.. WHAT THE FUUUCK!?
1:49AM - Or the sorry sight of bass player Adam Vanderwerf frantically trying to sell off their Ride Into The Sun merchandise: market value effectively rendered "null and void" barely a month after they launched it (*sniff* those were the glory days weren't they?) or maybe they're worth more now than ever? or maybe..!? (yeaaah it's pretty much about the same). But if it helps they totally got wickedarse spirals! and everyone loves spirals don't they!? YEAAAS!! AWESOMEST. MERCH. EVER!!
And they've even got a customer? "nooo those stickers don't come with spirals, but they totally come with goofyarse block lettering".. "GOOFYARSE BLOCK LETTERING!? SHIT, I'LL TAKE TWELVE!!".
And this customer truly knows his quality merch too.. no really! check out his ridiculously awesome Muppets "M is for MO" t-shirt here: doesn't it make you want to beat him senseless with the blunt end of a fire extinguisher (use them to put out fires? pfft.. what are you nuts!?), rip it off his still twitching carcass and wear that shit with pride? (after a quick trip to the dry cleaners to get rid of all the stains?) what.. just me then!? yeaaah perhaps I shouldn't have said all of that out loud huh?
And in case you haven't already guessed? yup I'm pretty much taking all these photos to cover for the fact I've been getting hilariously shitfaced drunk at the time. And just who the fuck are these people I'm getting drinking with? FUCK KNOWS!? but I'm totally getting drunk with them anyways!
2:04AM - And after making such a wildly profound and intellectual statement as that? I knew I had no business being AT The Grace Emily anymore (completely unrelated to the fact it might've been closing in half an hour.. or so I assumed) and thus I made my way, in a disorderly fashion to The Ed Castle: the one place in all the west end (besides Enigma Bar) where all "higher brain function" goes to die. Obviously I had no good reasons to be here, but I had plenty of bad ones!
2:06AM - Speaking of such.. no sooner did I walk into The Ed Castle, straight past the DJ decks and out in the beergarden (and you'd think I was making a point with that? hmmm) I bump into Ben Brew (and if you have trouble identifying him? he's the glaring nitwit up the top there). Now I don't know how this shit ever got started (probably stupidly drunk one night, pretty much how anything else on this blog happens) but he almost always gets this crazy idea in his head, almost everytime I bump into him, that he should make a "starring appearance" in my blog. Apparently it's been a while too (by his reckoning, not like I've been keeping count). But as much as he's flapping his arms about, I'm really not enthused about the idea. Or at least not until he counters with: "what? should I do something stupid then!?". Aaaah I know, sometimes it really IS that easy! And as for those other two with him? yeaaah maybe for their sake it's best we don't mention them (hi if you're tuning in though) seriously the less you get mentioned in Spoz's Rant.. THE BETTER!!
2:08AM - A sentiment that clearly doesn't apply to Will Spartalis. "Who the fuck is he!?" duuude if you're seriously asking that now, then surely you haven't lived the shit out of everything shit awesome there is to live in Adelaide. Of course I haven't got the foggiest clue what he's done for the past year or so, or pretty much in general: save for the fact he used to be in Tokyo City Sex Shooters, Lady Strangelove for maybe a month back in 2009, and all that Italian Spiderman shit? yes ITALIAN SPIDERMAN!! he was so totally THAT dude! or maybe the dude on the left who totally does shit with THAT dude (isn't that Dario!?). Either way he's a freaking legend, he doesn't make nearly enough weird appearances in this blog doing whatever the fuck it is he does, oh and maybe it was his birthday too? yeaaah I got no fucking clue either! fuck it.. who else is in here tonight!?
2:19AM - Clearly I was all out of ideas, or maybe The Ed Castle was all out of people in which to take stupidly superfluous photos of (and yet why am I so relieved by that!?) but at the very least they won't be short of "inspiration juice" (to inspire yet more ways to waste perfectly good internet bandwidth when I publish it on a blog a week later!? squeeeeee!) or so I thought. Upon arriving at the bar, I ask for a Coopers Pale Ale. Only they're all out of Coopers Pale Ale. So I ask for a Sparkling Ale. They're all out of Sparkling Ale. Well what about Dark Ale!? "Awww crap!". In fact the only beer they had on tap due to a monumental malfunction (that apparently had fucked up their bar taps since Friday) was either Carlton Draught or Pure Blonde. And unable to decide between either dumb and dumber? (or perhaps I was a little too "numb" myself) I figured fuck it, why not order up half of both in the same glass! and yes this is me taking a photo of it. Awesome huh!?
2:55AM - And then a good half hour later when I regained consciousness, I found myself out in the beer garden again with Todd here, and yes I believe his facial expression pretty much says it all: "I SO AIN'T DRINKING THAT SHIT AGAIN!!". Or maybe I drank that beer, walked right out of The Ed Castle: as maybe I suddenly remembered Anya Mcnicol-Windram from waaay back at the beginning was having her whizzbang birthday celebrations tonight and I'd been meaning to catch up with that shit at some point? only I didn't get any response from the SMS I sent her, so I blundered over to Worldsend thinking I might catch up with them there, discovered it was already closed and walked right back to The Ed Castle (meh.. at least I gave it a shot!). Either way, let's all just stop for a moment and acknowledge just how insane Todd looks in this photo.. HELL YEAAAS!!
Just like I'm not at all concerned by how wistfully nonchalant "Balf" appears to be about this shit, like he wasn't the one that fucked up all the bar taps to begin with and then spiked all our drinks. Because how else do you explain why he's the most "NORMAL" looking dude in this entire episode? huh? HUH!? oh yeaaah I've totally busted this "conspiracy" wide open haven't I!? rat baaastard!
2:56AM - Which possibly explains the following fucked up sequence of photos (and yes my apologies in advance for putting you through all this) because short of the ONE logical explanation I have? ie: everyone I was drinking beers with at The Grace Emily an hour ago has since joined me again at The Ed Castle to help celebrate Anthony Candlish's birthday from Ride Into The Sun (damnit what IS IT with everyone celebrating birthdays tonight!?) oh and maybe one of them was a photographer and we were having a "pissing contest" to see who could get the stupidest photo (yeaaah like THAT'S a logical explanation!). Because otherwise? yeaaah none of this shit would really make much sense. For instance: THIS photo of both Adam and some other wingnut "Ben" something? (fuck I dunno!?) "bugging out" just now, is apparently both of them reacting with gobsmacked incredularity to Todd's revelation that ninja turtles live in the sewer grates below us..
Which obviously called for THIS "reaction" shot from Anthony. Hmmm?
3:00AM - Which then inexplicably leads to all four members of Ride Into The Sun (or the artists formerly known as?) deciding NOW would be an opportune moment to get band photos of the new lineup; only from the OTHER photographer who was getting hilariously drunk with us at the time (damnit!). So me being me and with this whole "pissing contest" between us still in full effect? I thought it'd be funny to see just how much I could fuck this up to my own advantage. Or at least until I got THIS photo: which might look perfectly normal to the casual observer from a distance..
But then you look closer at it? and.. "WHOAAA FUCK!!".
3:19AM - There was no good reason for why I went to Supermild next. I'm not saying there ever IS a good reason (no wait I can list plenty! they totally begin with beer and they end with.. yeaaah you got me!) I just like to acknowledge that fact before I bluff my way past the doorman, fall down a flight of stairs with a loud crash only to bluff my way passed the doorgirl (sometimes if I land on my head? they even hold up score cards!) and wait why am I even writing this crap? ferfucksake!
4:38AM - These two photos in following however? I have absolutely no recollection of taking (so really I'm quite impressed they were actually pointing in the right direction.. yay me!) and the only reasoning I can think of as to WHY? was because I'd somehow captured irrefutable evidence of actual bona-fide "hipsters" still roaming around in Supermild. Made even more astonishingly so (or ironically so.. because yes I'm aware of the irony!) because I could've sworn I'd scared every last one them away on their fixed gear bikes over a year ago thanks to me calling this place "home" for the past three years now (HA HA HA I know!). I mean they're totally hiding out at Casablabla, Square One or Format now riiight? no, no.. don't tell me! I don't wanna ruin it! But either way totally weird right? it's like seeing aging punks STILL kicking it at The Crown & Anchor!? FUUUCK!!
4:40AM - And then the weirdest thing happened! I mean I can't say for sure if there were actual sirens, klaxons, flashing lights, or what for all the world must have been a giant plug pulled on the beergarden causing everyone of us to gurgle down the hallway back inside (or maybe barstaff were just closing up for the night and I'm being needlessly hallucinogenic in my drunkarse recollection!? pfft.. naaah!). Either way the panic in people's eyes was damn near palpable. Just look at Rodney here totally losing his shit: oh yes we are verily witness to the end of days people! END OF DAYS!!
Or maybe it's just like every other Saturday night I've had at Supermild and I have nothing to be tweaked about: even as Dave Blumberg from Tea clutches his head and screams like an "Edvard Munch" (wuh.. what? you never went to art school!? expressionist painter! LOOK THAT SHIT UP!!).
Oh suuure.. just like every other Saturday night I swear!
Yup it's the second to last episode alright.. of the year 2010? of all time!? sheeiiit who the fuck knows? who the fuck cares duuude? I mean really!? for these are not questions that need to be answered right now, because nothing that ever happens here in the eleventh hour is ever of any consequence! HA HA HA of course not! which believe me I'm kinda counting on considering half the misguided jokes I cracked this week. Daring to poke fun at Jive..? oh crap! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!! I'm truly endlessly in awe of it, I just have a weird way of showing it! Equating Jeff Martin to David Hasselhoff? (well yeaaah he did have that one coming!). Freaking Sonic Death Monkey? SONIC DEATH MONKEY!? WHO EVEN COMES UP WITH THAT CRAP!? But no you're not gonna remember any of this come NEXT week! Not when I cook up with that final fateful episode, that end of season cliffhanger and you'll be left wondering, oh you'll be left wondering! WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT!? Nope if there's only one thing to take away from this episode? is if anyone ever suggests Adelaide has no music scene!? you can show them all THIS and you can tell them.. they're a fucking idiot!
