The Adelaide scene: to many of you it may be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctional splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
LIVE REVIEW / THE HONEY PIES (*****) LIVE @ THE GRACE EMILY / Saturday March 26th 2011
Now if this blog has proved nothing ELSE over the years (short of the fact you can actually make a "living" out of being a drunk) it's that there are a great many ways to "succeed" in the art of live performance; and that very few of them actually require talent. I mean sure you could possess, or be willing to learn, a bona-fide "musical talent", ie: the damn near supernatural ability to actually hold a "tune" (or maybe even write one!). But yeaaah that's not for everyone as it does require a considerable amount of "time and patience": what with all the years studying, practicing, dealing with your increasingly impatient girlfriend/boyfriend/centrelink staff who don't quite "share" in your lifelong dreams (or in your increasingly expensive obsession in buying up everything stupid and/or insane you see listed on eBay just because you saw Jonny Greenwood use it that one time). Or you could simply "bullshit" your way out, ie: be so damn esoteric and artistic in everything you do that no matter how crap you are at actually playing an instrument, people will still think you're a genius. Or failing that you could move to Brooklyn, live like a bum on the street (or simply dress like one) and before you know it hipster tragics everywhere will be blogging sanctimonious garbage on you. Or you could try the "punk rock" method: have no musical talent? creativity? even the base ability to form complete sentences!? simply be the loudest, lewdest mad c*nt ever to urinate into a crowd or defecate on top of a cop car... popularity guaranteed! Or just try the disposable "pop" method: be really really ridiculously "good looking" and let autotune take care of all the rest. Or failing that post it onto youtube and wait for it to go "viral". Or failing THAT just smear yourself head to toe in poo, piss, peanut butter and glitter and be willing to fuck everything that moves (with an option on everything that doesn't). Or your name is "Matt Banham"... as much as we still can't figure out how THAT works. And as for what any of this has to do with The Honey Pies and their show at The Grace Emily tonight? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!? but trust me... you'll still wanna take notes regardless!
Yup when it comes to bona-fide "musical talent" The Honey Pies clearly need no introduction: not just because they've been featured in Spoz's Rant countless times before in the past few years and written up in glowing terms of praise at least five kinds of obnoxious (pretty much ever since forming in late 2007) but also because in releasing their debut album "Think Of England" earlier this year (launched late last year at Jive and yes you SO totally should've been there too!) they've thankfully all but proven I wasn't just talking out of my arse when I wrote all that obnoxious praise to begin with; because yes it IS nothing but brilliant and yes I highly recommend you dig it up too! (you can even stream it in its entirety HERE for free if you're a total cheapskate). Just as they've also demonstrated a devilish aptitude for artistry and ingenuity in promoting it, especially of the piss-takingly mischevious kind, just this week in fact, when they released their first music video for the album "Don't Mention The War": which is well worth seeing if ever you wanted to know what the music video to City Riots' "She Wants To Dance" would look like as a Frankenstein mashup with Gary Busey's face plastered all over the top of it (only a LOT MORE disturbingly hilarious than that description might make it sound). I mean no shit they're nothing but genius, GENIUS!! They have this uncanny knack for channelling all the infectious songwriting charm of The Beatles and lacing it with all the anarchic "shitstorm" hysteria of The Libertines. They're easily one of the better bands happening in the Adelaide scene right now (I mean seriously? can I shut up about this already? because this is all just assumed knowledge riiight!?). But as much as they ARE the closest thing to a "sure bet" this scene has to the point it's getting ridiculous that they haven't been signed to a label yet? what may need elaborating upon is just how much (especially in the past year) they love to make an absolute mockery of it live. I mean sure they may still wield all the musical talent, the creativity and the charm to nail the shit out of a live performance (and believe me they've proven as such countless times in the past) but increasingly it's become a bit of a "game" to see just how much they can totally fuck it up and STILL get away with it; or more specifically it has for their lead singer Jon Marco. Yup you may come for the music, but now you stay for the slapstick comedy that is watching Jon toy with every other member of the band (short of perhaps Tom McCarthy-Jones on bass who seems more than happy to space out in his own little world in the corner) but most of all in how much he messes with Tony Marshall on guitar. Seriously the more Jon shreds a song too fast, throws in a random segue like a spanner, rearranges their already randomly generated setlist on a whim, or all-too-frequently breaks a string? which he NEVER brings a spare for (and tonight after fucking it up in only the first song? yup he had to borrow Dave Williams' guitar from Danvers & Ghost Knife to continue... classic!) the funnier it is to watch Tony look increasingly bewildered and bug-eyed exasperated to a fullblown nervous breakdown in trying to hold it all together (like that one time back in June 2010 when he had to swap guitar parts with Jon on "Fool In Love" after the latter broke all but two strings oh HIS guitar? HA HA HA DUUUDE!!). Yup it's just like watching the increasingly dysfunctional relationship between Pete Doherty and Carl Barât of The Libertines being played out in front of you (or better yet a Tom and Jerry cartoon with the volume cranked) it very much defines their riotous stage presence like a ticking time bomb; underpins just how good, bad or unintentionally hilarious any of their live shows will be in keeping that precarious balance in check... and tonight in pushing it right to the very screaming extreme of catastrophe only to stop a few shades short of actually losing it!? duuude it's truly jaw dropping shit! I've never seen a band skate THIS dangerously close to the razor's edge and still get away with it. It gives me grey hairs just thinking about it (in fact I'm half surprised Tony hasn't gone completely albino from it). No shit, if you missed out on THIS show tonight? you missed out on one FUCK of a rollercoaster ride! The Honey Pies. I may need to pop a panadol or two to stop my head from exploding just making sense of HOW exactly they got away with murder tonight...? but FUCK DUUUDE, WHAT A SHOW!!
But of course that wasn't the ONLY reason why this show was worth a "five star rating": as much as watching them perform the musical equivalent of juggling knives, chainsaws and hand grenades in the air just short of bringing the whole roof down around our ears, was worth "price of admission" alone (as much it was The Grace Emily, so there WAS no "price of admission", so your excuse for not being here was...?) as much as it didn't hurt either that they had ridiculously "shit-hot" stage lighting to shoot under (not that I got totally carried away with THAT or anything!) nope it was also for the a-grade calibre of the songs themselves. And if you're at all familiar with their album you would've recognised most of them: "Sex Wax", "Hair Of The Dog", "Get Right", "Don't Mention The War", "Fool In Love" and "Bossanova" (to name but a few). But they also threw in a few new songs (potentially planned for a second album release later this year?) namely: "Rubix Cube", "I Heart New York" and possibly a few others too (as obviously I didn't recognise them all). Just as anyone at all familiar with their live shows would also know that what you're seeing below ISN'T a setlist providing the order they played them in, but merely a loose "serving suggestion" (or possibly just Jon Marco's shopping list and they're all code for chemical ingredients used to make domestic explosives) but... yeaaah let's just say there was hardly a dud among them and leave it at that.
And THIS is that same crowd totally losing their minds at the end of their show? Yup for pulling one tiny broken guitar string short of a flawless execution and making it look like a happy accident (teetering on a fullblown catastrophe), for getting a crowd to dance to it in mad hysterics like it's the maddest party in town (and with the songs they write, how could you blame them!?) THAT was The Honey Pies showing us just how it's done... HA HA HA duuude they made this shit look easy!
LENIN MCCARTHY (***1/2) - But of course they weren't the ONLY band worth mentioning tonight; as much as you may've noticed I'm being all "lazy" in only mentioning the ONE at length now, anytime I DO do a writeup (ie: when I'm not posting photo blogs instead, why? IT'S MY BLOG YA FUCKWITS, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!!) nope there was also our opening act Lenin McCarthy. Who the fuck are they? HA HA HA WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!? as to be honest this is the first time I've even heard of them; but at the very least I DO gotta give them some due "credit"... and not just because they're being all "clever" with their band name; but hey how hilariously witty are they with the whole Bolsheviks meets The Beatles thing? FUCK! WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF IT SOONER!? (ooooh but wait The Beatles already DID back in 1968, nevermind!) but more because they were anything BUT clever in making total dicks of themselves on a live stage; but in such a way you can't help but think they'll be five kinds of stupidly awesome six months to a year down the track when they get REALLY good at it. But still from what little I saw here tonight? they made for quite the "memorable" first impression. In short think equal parts Pavement, The Libertines, Black Lips and the shittiest high school "garage band" you've ever heard, barely playing their instruments properly to the retarded adolescent screams of their singer Kristian Ramsden. But in such a mad frenetic, enthusiastic way you can help but ping-pong off all four walls and a ceiling in celebration. Apparently all four members wear silly "novelty hats" as part of their ongoing "thing"; as much as most of those had long since disappeared into the crowd when I arrived tonight. The same scruffy rag-tag bunch of delinquents I vaguely recognise as the sort you'd find at alleyway shows (as much as I've only been to ones that got cancelled... damnit!) or crowding around front of stage forming moshpits for The Aves... at The Exeter. The same who are dancing so hard to this shit now they're making the floorboards bounce and wobble under the carpet, which is now threatening to topple the foldback speakers, and I can't blame them really because it's JUST that kinda mad jam that very much warrants it (as in the crappier they play the more awesome they seem to sound? with an infantile sense of humour that only makes it more infectious!?). Yup that's Lenin McCarthy. They're precocious little shits the lot of them, ankle biting crap weasels and crater-faced skeezoids if ever I saw them... but if they keep being this loud, goofy and obnoxious? I reckon they'll go reaaal far!
DANVERS & GHOST KNIFE (****1/2) - And then there was our second act. And no I won't go into detail with their set tonight, what they played, how it sounded, blah-di-blah whoop-whoop whatever-the-fuck... as it was pretty much near identical to a set they played a month ago when they supported Mountbatten's EP launch at The Jade Monkey. And no that's not a bad thing, in fact quite the contrary: they're one of the maddest bands I've discovered so far this year (no surprises really: considering they're two members of Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire! and one member of Steering By Stars joining forces to jam out a bastard fusion of freak folk and the blues... SHIT YEAAAH BABY!!). Duuude they'll blow your pinks bits inside out oscillating like a loud speaker till it burns to pee and you'll have to "crabwalk" sideways through archways and doorways... NO SERIOUSLY, DON'T JUST STAND THERE GAWKING LIKE AN IMBECILE, GO SEE THIS BAND ALREADY!! (oh and read my previous "live review" on them as it'll likely make a lot more sense than what I just wrote here... pheeeuw!). But still what I WILL mention is a funny little incident I had while waiting at the bar. Soon after The Honey Pies finished, lead singer Dave Williams passed on by, and he goes: "soooo Spoz, totally 5 out of 5 right?". To which I promptly blurted out "HA HA HA totally, that shit was fucking nuts... oh no wait, you mean YOUR BAND!?". At which point we both laughed. Then I made some lamearse comment about me judging every band in a night on a "sliding scale" anyways, only to add "but seriously, who gives a FUCK what I think!?". At which point we both laughed even louder and then promptly forgot we even had this conversation (as much as I've forgetten what the whole point of this anecdote was in the first place). Either way, Danvers & Ghost Knife? totally look their shit up!
12:30AM - And speaking of nonsensical segues that relate to absolutely nothing I've mentioned above: this is me wandering into the beergarden after the show, beer in hand... for what purpose? well as much as I'd like to think it was simply me "celebrating" one head explodingly awesome live set from The Honey Pies tonight (and HOW!!) by drinking myself so blissfully anaesthetised in following I wouldn't even be conscious of the fact that a good portion of "higher brain function" had long since been "aerosol sprayed" over all four walls and the ceiling of the band room moments earlier? (it's an occupational health hazard lemme tell you!) there actually WAS no clear purpose to it at all, in fact I wouldn't normally think it worth documenting now; except that almost everytime I do this shit and I think I might just get away it... I'm then assaulted with an A-Z of hilarious social dysfunction that I would be utterly remiss in NOT presenting to you now for public ridicule (also an occupational health hazard, but not necessarily for me). Like Dan Gaskin for instance: what with the ridiculous banana sticker on his forehead (as much as I may've put it there myself) crazy huh? HA HA HA totally! As much as he wasn't the maddest cat I uncovered at The Grace Emily tonight...
Nope that prize easily goes to Choaty here... why exactly is he called "Choaty"? I don't think I've ever asked (or even dared to) as much as it ACTUALLY relates to his last name; as much as I've always lazily assumed (in absence of any evidence to the contrary) that if ever you got his throat in a choke hold... you know for "laughs", and gave it a good squeeze: his head would blow up like a balloon and he'd giggle like a school girl, or his eyes would pop out, or he'd glow a radiant shade of green like a fairy night light, or maybe a technician from Jim Henson's Creature Shop would leap angrily out from some invisible vantage point, waving a remote control and loudly chatise you for damaging the "merchandise" because they need his animatronics intact for a "sequel to E.T." or something. HA HA HA "Choaty" a gift that keeps on giving! And as for that cake he's got there? yeaaah your guess is as good as mine; maybe one of his sex dungeon employees "baked" it!?
1:05AM - And just to get your mind off all that horrifying mental imagery (so I can proceed to fill it up again with yet more fucked up shit further down the track) here's Jon Marco from The Honey Pies wearing my hat. As much as it's not my hat at all... but a hat stolen off of Anthony Candlish from Ride Into The Sun on New Years Eve and despite repeated (halfarse) attempts in the past few months I've never been able to return it. So obviously in revenge (as much as this was all my fault to begin with) I've decided that I'm gonna get as many photos of this hat on as many different people as possible by the end of the year, and then I'm gonna do a blog on it and show it to him. AND I SWEAR IT'LL BE THE CRAZIEST FUCKED UP SHIT EVER!! WOOOO!! or yeaaah *cough* maybe not. Either way, how awesome is that hat!? and would you believe I peed in it once...? true story!
2:46AM - Actually no wait, that's a horrible lie and I wholeheartedly apologise for it! seriously, I would never even think to do that!? (yeah ok... that's a lie too!). In fact this isn't even Anthony hat to begin with! NOOOO!! the real one's totally kept in "pristine condition", hermetically sealed in a perspex bubble in my living room under lights and soft mood music (aaaah 'tis a thing of beauty to behold too!) and I've merely been buying up "stunt doubles" from the BP down the road and disposing of them every night just to fuck with him! Isn't that right Shari? here in The Ed Castle beergardens: modelling said "stunt double" with such poise, grace, elegance and sophistication (gosh darn she's pretty!) you'd almost be blissfully distracted from the fact I've been giddily binge drinking myself retarded for the past hour and a half here since leaving The Grace Emily and I'm seriously not fooling anyone!? YOU BETCHA!! her and that hat is all you need worry about here...
And here she is acting out what I just said in "pantomime" form. Awesome...
3:41AM - Yup to be honest I've been debating (for the longest time) whether any of the above insanity is still "relevant" to a blog documenting the "Adelaide scene" (short of Shari's exceptional performance there of course; that shit be nothing but gold!) or even if it's downright damaging to everyone involved. I mean reviewing live bands is one thing: bands need exposure, bands need to be heard, seen and written about (even when done by clueless fuckwits like me!) it all helps the industry, the artists, the venues and the economy surrounding it, and believe me we need ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET!! But do we really need to see me and my fuckup friends laughing it up drink into the wee hours celebrating it in a "live review" on The Honey Pies!? pfft... OF COURSE NOT!!
But try telling THAT to all the people seated around me: late on a Saturday night in The Ed Castle beergarden when I pull my camera out "absent mindedly" to shoot some jugs and pint glasses in front of me (for reasons I can't quite recall but I bet they were totally justified!), only to wave their hands in my face and go "nah... nah... Spoz, get a photo of us ya baaastard! G'AAAWN!!" and it's coming from someone like Matt Hayward who clearly knows better NEVER to ask me that, only for him to rope in Alister and Larissa from 20th Century Graduates too, and aaaah fuck it... who are we kidding? I'M WAY TOO DRUNK TO SAY NO TO THIS!! and it's waaay too hilarious for me not to publish it. Yup relevant or not, you just can't write about one WITHOUT acknowledging the other.
Which is obviously all the half-baked justification I'd ever need for including THIS goofyarse shot of Larissa and errr... "poodle perm" here? (and yet he looks weirdly familiar like I've reviewed his band before or something, hmmm?) because hell, why the fuck not duuude? MORE THE MERRIER!!
3:53AM - Or for THIS shot we got moments later... "WHOAAA FUCK!?". Yes I know! as much as I don't know HOW? only that sometimes, just sometimes, copious amounts of alcohol, Larissa leaping into the bushes and a camera lens combine at just the RIGHT moment to provide you with such radiant splendour (and bonus points too for just how well she colour coordinated her retinas!).
3:56AM - And then just after THIS shot was taken? we suddenly realised just how badly shit had "spiralled out of control" here... and the sooner we left The Ed Castle? the better it'd be for us all (but no really, who knew they had a toilet behind all those posters!? FUCK DAMN THAT'S INSANE!!).
4:08AM - And then when I got to Supermild shit just got a whole lot weirder. And by a "whole lot weirder" I obviously mean a whole lot DRUNKER (ie: look no further than Rodney from Fasterlouder there on the left... yeeeouch!) but also a whole lot weirder in what random stripey girl (possibly with a Swedish accent?) had on the right. Yup that's an "Adelaide Convenience" four bean salad, and I shit you not duuudes it SO totally blew our minds sideways just now I don't even have the words!
So instead here's a photo of me "munging" into it like a mental patient. Which I did repeatedly, I mean nonstop, I mean I just went fucking beserk on it. "SERIOUSLY, THERE'S LIKE FOUR KINDS OF BEANS IN THIS THING!? NO WAAAY!!". And yes I apologise if anyone's eating right now, because I admit it does look kinda bent, but believe me it was the best shit EVER past 4AM on a Saturday...
Or even better with whatever the hell it is Rodney shouted me at the bar just now: which from what little he told me apparently contains vodka. Hmmm. Which is funny because "vodka" is usually my "kryptonite": I mean it completely fucks me over (and NOT in a good way!). But with these beans? it was like a marriage made in Vegas heaven and my entire lower intestinal tract is performing a symphony! Or on seconds thoughts... maybe that's not a good thing? but maaan I so didn't care!
Which is just the kind of cheerfully "ambivalent" state you'd wanna be in when Rodney's flapping his arms about like a demented albatross in front of you; as much as he looks like a mad pimping "albatross" with that hat, the same hat (or stunt double) that I stole off Anthony Candlish back on New Years Eve and have been parading about ever since... and yeaaah I know, I know! it may seem "lame" now but once you've seen six months to a year of this shit? it's gonna be hiiilarious!
As much as Rodney pulling the exact same batshit "facial expression" in almost every single one of my photos tonight will clearly have the same comedic effect on ME, it just hasn't kicked in yet...
*cough* yup, aaany minute now...
4:19AM - Or at least it would have, I mean it SO would have! if I didn't just throw that four bean salad in Kane Banner's direction here, then run like hell for the exit (exit? EXIT!? pfft... what exit!? OF COURSE I WENT BACK TO THE BAR!!). Yup the look on his face truly says it all doesn't it? Kane I'm so sorry I had to put you through all that... but no seriously, how GOOD were those beans!?
And there we have it: it's an exceptionally weird way to end an episode and I'm aware of it, but if it's any consolation? in the same way a butterfly flapping its wings in Tokyo causes a thunderstorm in New York!? I'm totally blaming all this shit on The Honey Pies... that gig tonight was fucked up!
