The Adelaide scene: to many of you it may be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctional splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
THE FESTIVAL "FRINGE" / OPENING NIGHT NEXUS CABARET & PRODUCERS BAR / Friday February 18th 2011
Aaaah the Adelaide Fringe Festival... we all know what it means don't we? "HA HA HA DO WE EVER!! I've got me swim fins, snorkel, pink tutu on, blowtorch and everything, LET'S GO FUCKING MENTAL!! WOOOO!!" (seriously dad!? but that's your answer to everything, SHEEESH!!). Oh yes it's THAT time of year alright! that arty farty giddy gargantuan clusterfuck free-for-all from February to March when all our wildest fantasies come true... AND SO MUCH MORE!! When you can be a bonafide bohemian "space case" with no job, no prospects, no pants and no fixed address, pissing freely in the street painted head to toe in smurf blue bodypaint barking like a chihuahua and FIT RIGHT IN!! skipping merrily through a city CBD that is now your 60's porno spasgasmic wonderland or your public urinal (or a little bit of both); nothing but blue skies, leafy green gardens, tent pavillions, carnival rides, galleries, theatres and bars to look forward to; where everyone's a performing artist flinging flyers, flitting freely from one sellout show to the next laughing themselves laringly incontinent... "OOOH WHAT FANTASTICAL FESTIVE UTOPIA HAVE WE MADE FOR OURSELVES!! MAY THIS SUMMER LOVING ORGY OF IDIOT EXCESS NEVER EV... *momentary toe curling blindness* EVER CEASE!! SQUEEEEEE!!" *cough* or at least that's how I imagine it is for YOU... ya fucks! For me it's rather like my idea of hell. HELL. An apocalyptic avalanche of upteen facebook event invites I can't even squeak one bar of a phone signal through to toe tap "NOOO MORE!!" before being buried by upteen billion more: over 759 events in 325 venues in just three weeks!? AAAAHAHAhaHaHAhAHA FUCK!! and not nearly enough time, energy, sleep or intravenous caffeine abuse just to skim the surface of it all without my whole head EXPLODING attempting to publish a single blog on it...? OH IT'S HILARIOUS FUN!! forgoing all my usual haunts for countless "pop up" venues ran by shitcrazy carnyfolk: fuck full of suptropical plants, hardrubbish furniture, faerie lights, burlesque dancers, bongo drumming and deep fried food poisoning; where all beers are imported $7-8 or above luke warm in plastic bottles and all my live photos are shithouse from shooting through haphazard stage lighting hoisted up in trees and everything shuts by 2AM? or shit duuude... maybe it's my idea of HEAVEN!? waiiit, where the fuck am I again and why have my socks gone missing? NEXUS CABARET!? OOOH FUCK YEAH!!
As despite all appearances to the contrary there? that ISN'T Anya Anastasia going "oh shi..." while a light bulb she was brandishing utterly failed to burst into life in effort to illuminate "The Master's Guide Book Of Life" as part of her opening night performance, OPENING NIGHT PEOPLE!! while an accompanying voiceover, that also failed to trigger on time (or at all for that matter) was meant to announce said book with glorious bombast; only for the glaring absence of either to all but plunge everything into chaos and confusion whilst drummer Matt Gorgula and belly dancer Lilly Sim looked on with quiet bewilderment (perhaps to the sound of either one of them squeaking out a teeny tiny fart in accompaniment?) HA HA HA FUCK NO!! As obviously none of Bird Wizdom were available to attend tonight for "Master's Curious Delirium" (a show that I don't doubt will be simply astounding when it makes it's debut performance TOMORROW night) and were instead covered for at the very last minute by Binky & The Bung Mics and "Shit Happens! (Especially On Opening Night When Every Single Theatre Reviewer in Adelaide Is Attending) Squeeeeee!": a slapstick comedy routine based ostensibly around gross technical malfunction and the extreme measures one takes to improvise their arse out of it. And believe me we were treated to the very best of it too! For not only did that light bulb fail to glow, and every one of their audio cues in following (that formed an integral part of their ongoing narrative) from booming voice over to song backing proceed to fuck up one after the other, and I mean (almost) EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM to an abrupt crackle or timing misfire; but they also lost a microphone: forcing their "principle" (totally not Anya) to yell out most of her lines instead before an improvised solution (see below) or two (see subsequent video) could be secured (only for her to let out all her pent up rage on said book from the introduction by tearing it to shreds), and in one particularly whimsical moment? an actual moustache was sneezed off. YES A MOUSTACHE!! And as much as it WAS a total disaster and believe me it exemplified the very best that "opening night" can bring? they still held their shit together suprisingly well till the very end. Undead dude in the bowler hat (totally not Bones) especially run riot with one rapid fire joke let loose after another to cover for the glaring shortfall and kept the crowd in stitches (no shit he totally owned that stage!) and against all odds? ALL WAS NOT LOST!! with the possible exception of that moustache; seriously they looked for that thing everywhere! (it totally vanished!). And yes I know what you're thinking but this ISN'T a live review of Bird Wizdom's "Master's Curious Delirium" I assure you! This is Binky & The Bung Mics: a totally different, distinct and unique entity. And as much as they might have been a little "rough around the edges" tonight? I reckon they'll go far!
1:01AM - With the "show" now all but over; except I totally didn't write a review on it (and thus it NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!) I stumbled out of Nexus Cabaret to the soothing strains of Easy Star All-Stars "Dub Side Of The Moon" (I believe it was their cover of Pink Floyd's "Brain Damage" to be precise: a more than apt selection for an awkward depature like this). While Bird Wizdo... *cough* I mean Binky & The Bung Mics "loudly congratulated" their stage technicians (or glaring lack of) for "services" rendered tonight (awwww I know, they're such a forgiving bunch aren't they?). While I considered just how horrendously drunk I should get in following in effort to forget I was ever here tonight... WOOOO!! And yet in saying all that? I was totally planning on seeing "Masters Curious Delirium" AGAIN tomorrow. WHY!? Well as much as I DID enjoy the hell out of all their improvised slapstick tonight, and I don't usually offer bands the same courtesy in a "do-over" (short of all the subsequent times I ever review them of course) most bands DON'T usually have a limited season run at the Fringe Festival playing the exact same show with wildly elaborate theatrical set pieces. In short I DIDN'T get the full experience, it was only their opening night and... what? IT'S MY FUCKING BLOG YOU ARSEHOLES, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!! Oh and speaking of such: just what DO I do with the rest of my night? Ed Castle? Supermild? did everyone just hear a balloon slowly pissing out air as metaphor for what's become of my Friday night!? *twiddles thumbs* yaaay Festival "Fringe"!
1:24AM - But as luck would have it? I DID totally have a "backup plan" and it totally involved a stupid amount of drinking (always a plus) only at the opposite end of town here at Producers Bar (huh what!?) yeaaah well let me explain. You see waaay back in the 90's there was a pub called "Producers Bar": it was next door to this one, it had live bands. Only that went out of business and got renamed to "The East End Exchange" in the early 00's (with THIS opening up as its adjoining "warehouse" room spinning shittyarse Top40 dance music). Only that closed a few years later, then got reopened as TWO separate venues late 2006: "The Electric Light Hotel" (dedicated to club DJs) and "Producers Bar" (dedicated to live music) which is what you may have remember it most from reading THIS fartarse blog back in the day; especially during its brief heyday late 2007 to 2008 (cheers Sophie!) when it played host to all manner of local and interstate indie bands (remember Children Collide back in November 2008? GOOOD TIMES!!). Only to be overrun by various "outside promoters" (Syke, Black Market etc) who made it into a Friday night weekly punk/emo/metal haunt (thrashing the odd gangsta hiphop on Saturday nights!?) to admittedly "wild success" throughout 2009 and a good part of 2010 until it all but "disappeared" off the face of the Earth (or at least as far as I was concerned because I stopped covering gigs here back in March 2009). Only for Electric Light Hotel to be inexplicably renamed as "The Old Exchange" this year in 2011 (no really, what's THAT all about?) while Producers Bar has since followed suit in "reopening" as "Producers Bar" tonight: dedicating itself to live gigs I might NOT get brutally stabbed to death for covering (yay?). Which obviously could only mean one thing for us being here tonight? LAUNCH PARTY BAAABY!!
Yup Producers Bar is back! as much as it likely never left? (shit what would I know!?) AS MUCH AS THEY'RE TOTALLY BACK BAAABY!! and believe me they're truly going all out to make their diabolical presence felt in the east end again, and not a moment too soon either (I mean have you been to The Crown & Anchor lately!? pheeeuw!), with one FUCK of a whizzbang launch party extravaganza! One that features not just three, or four, or five, or even six...? but eight bands; and *cough* one last minute inclusion in Two Suns making it nine? NINE BANDS!? "WHOAAA EXPLODING SHITBALLS IN A BLENDER!!" (I know riiight!? they totally got Two Suns!). Here opening on the biggest night in Adelaide's social calendar, here perfectly positioned to take full advantage of the thousands upon thousands of mad c*nts who'll surely be spilling out from the Fringe Festival opening night parade and party aaany minute now, and enticing them in with the sweet sweet sounds of: Wolf & Cub, Lady Strangelove, The Battery Kids, Ride Into The Sun, Günter & The Safeword, Dexter Jones and a whole stack of bands I haven't even heard of before (and Two Suns!) I mean shit duuude, HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY GO WRONG!? well errr... HA HA HA *ahem* how about that weather aye!?
Yup they pretty much got screwed. Thanks to the rain next to everyone's already fled flailing and screaming hours ago (and let's face it it's Adelaide, so it really doesn't take much!), next to every pub, club and venue in the east end is reporting a tenth of the number they'd projected; with even less roaming the streets now whistling on empty... duuude it's a total bust! shit even that spastic shindig down Rymill way struggled to top five hundred (but maaan did they party hard!). Or wait, maybe I'm just looking at this wrong? For all we know a veritable locust swarm followed Wolf & Cub out that door a mere half an hour ago and now they're fogging up the pavement something fierce outside Rundle Falafel mad chonged like cheshire cats, WHO'S TO KNOW!? I mean I could almost picture that happening, couldn't you? or yeaaah... maybe not. Still I love what they've done with this place. I mean suuure it's pretty much a Nine Inch Nails video circa 1994 short of a few rotating pigs heads and a cruficix monkey (don't worry, they already got them on back order): but I'm mad digging their new "open" style layout stretching from front door (complete with it's own intimate booth seating) to the stage with the full LED lighting rig (I hope that's a permanent fixture), with two bars working both ends. And all that trippy bathroom tiling? those eerie red and white lights? to those wooden dinosaur skeletons propped on the shelves? (maaan I used to love that shit!). Yup completely unrelated to the fact these knobjockeys totally paid for a fuckload of "promo" on this blog for the past three weeks running (ka-ching!) and the fact they're plying me with ooodles of free booze tonight? "FREE BOOZE!? AAAAHAHAhAHaHA!! WOOOO!!" oh I couldn't imagine anything less than a "bright future" ahead for THIS cavernous crapshack! I mean they don't even need to bribe me to endorse it, it's another live venue to frequent ferfucksake! and until I come up with countless reasons NOT to (ie: if I suddenly stop liking beer?) duuude... WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE!?
RIDE INTO THE SUN (****1/2) - And better yet? I've been given more than enough time to soak up all these surrounds thanks to our seventh (yes... SEVENTH!!) act waiting patiently for me to finish shooting all the above and make my way to front of stage so I could start shooting THEM (no really, why else do all these bands play gigs in Adelaide? for the sake of other people!? AAAAHAhAhaHahA!! *ahem*) completely unrelated to the fact they might've been left high and dry thanks to sixth act Wolf & Cub leaving the stage a full half hour earlier and ever so conveniently taking their entire backline with them... YEAAAS!! Now granted Wolf & Cub might have been in a legitimate hurry to pack all their shit away because they were touring elsewhere tomorrow night and totally couldn't spare it (well they were... riiight?) just as any arrangements to "share" tonight were arbitrary at best; but it doesn't take a genius to know (whether by accident or intent) it's a surefire way to fuck up the following band's scheduling if you don't warn them first. Still as luck would have it our seventh act did keep most of THEIR backline with them from playing Arcade Lane the night before, and so after much frantic cursing and swearing for a good half hour setting everything back up again *phew* (while barstaff tapped on their time pieces to see if they're still working) lead singer Anthony Candlish finally fronted up to the mic, jokingly thanked Wolf & Cub for "opening" for them and then his band proceeded to blow our collective shit away. Yup say what you will about Ride Into The Sun's recent lineup issues, their rumoured name changes to "Sonic Death Monkey", "Kathleen Turner Overdrive", "Barry Jive & The Uptown Five" and back to "Ride Into The Sun" again (as much as all those were simply me poking fun at said "lineup issues" and dramas associated with it) what they've settled into now? could only mean good things in moving forward... duuude they've only gotten better! With new members Todd Lawrie on guitar and Tom Pennington on keys replacing original members Luke Mayes and Jessica Honeychurch (hmmm best not to kick that hornet's nest!) and joining Anthony on guitar, Adam Vanderwerf on bass and James "Balf" Thomas on drums they've now eased into a more languid "shoegaze" vibe richer in interweaving sonics and nuanced complexity. One that showcase several songs off their new EP "Goodbye Hipster, Hello Reality", the most striking of which being their epic slow build of opening number "Save Yourself" featuring drummer Balf up front noodling a harmonica solo. But even more impressive was their imposing stage presence. Shrouded in a thick fog, with nothing but blue backlighting to throw their silhouettes ten feet tall above us like a proverbial close encounter of the third kind: it may have been an "unique challenge" to photograph (not least of which trying to find their drummer lost waaay in the back) and it did drive me nuts for most of their set until I thought "fuck it!" and went all "arty farty" on it... but you can't deny just how stupidly badass it looked (and believe me they had the sound to match). Ride Into The Sun? no shit... they totally made this night worth doing!
GÜNTER & THE SAFEWORD (****) - Now walking in here tonight I had no idea I was going to get all my drinks for free, NO IDEA!! Especially when I paid for my first one, nursed it for a good half hour or more, only to return to the bar (simply to spark up conversation with someone I knew) at which point one of the barstaff mysteriously hands me another drink and saunters off without uttering a single word. Even then I didn't take the hint, I swear it's for someone else, only no one else has claimed it yet. So I sniff at it like a suspicious animal for ten minutes or more, then sip it surreptitiously when no one else is looking (only to parade said accomplishment around the bar moments later like it was the craziest shit ever in the history of EVER... WAHOOO!!) only to fully expect to pay for my next drink. Only to be told by the barstaff upon delivery (as I tried handing her the money) that "management has told me to refuse all money from you". WUH!? She gives me a blank look as if to suggest "It's free you nitwit!". WUUUH!? all of it clearly having nothing to do with our eighth act Günter & The Safeword (and I don't even know why I'm mentioning it now) save for the fact I couldn't remember a single fucking thing from their set tonight. At least save for their setlist I might have photographed featuring names like: "Girls", "Teena", "Alcohol", "Ga$h", "Sexual", "Howlin'", "Friends", Gloves" and "Devils". All of which I assume are shorthand for actual song titles you might be familiar with, except I also recall that it was a really short/rapid fire set (so they might not have actually played them all). And all of it must've been really good because I totally jotted down a "4" next to their name on my phone as if to suggest an actual rating out of five. Hmmm? Now before you howl in protest and proceed to punch all caps "anonymous" insults in my comment berating me for failing to uphold any kind of "journalistic integrity" here in "reviewing" this band? let me just remind you that (a) you're reading Spoz's Rant (and you really should know better!) and (b) this is a band I'm "reviewing" FOR Spoz's Rant playing just shy of 3AM on Fringe Festival opening night, I mean c'mon WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!? Suffice to say they're Günter & The Safeword: they're full throttle funk metal you can totally FUCK to, they're every one of Mike Patton's shitcrazy mental dysfunctions stuffed into a blender put through a megaphone, I haven't seen nearly enough of their shit for the past year or more to the point it's EMBARASSING, and if nothing else this year? I'm totally gonna do my utmost in addressing that AND SO SHOULD YOU!!
3:42AM - *Phew* it's been a looong night, as much as I feel like I have very little to show for it. I mean there's been like what? a million, billion, upteen squillion events exploding every which way for Fringe Festival tonight and WHAT HAVE I DONE? errr shit... I dunno? "stuff"!? I mean I don't know about you people? but the more choices I'm given: especially when there's waaay too many of them? the more likely I'm just gonna choose none of the above, go "LA LA LA I ain't listening!" blow bubbles out my arse and get stupidly drunk at Ed Castle or Supermild... for like three weeks running until it all blows over! (and hey the latter does have longnecks!). Until it occurs to me that I am getting free beer here... FREE BEER!! Two Suns are due to start any minute now, and wait did someone say TWO SUNS? HA HA HA SHIT DUUUDE WHERE ELSE WOULD I WANNA BE!? as much as Hania is having a hard time convincing me of it... yeaaah I know *pfft* WHAT AM I THINKING!?
TWO SUNS - So heeere I am... WHOOOP-DI-FUCKING-DOOOO! (and no that isn't the sound of a "rooster crowing" although yes we're just about due for one... HIYOOOO!!). And quite like you'd imagine, throughout the week: various members of Lady Strangelove had been trading quips with Two Suns on facebook over the ridiculous nature of this live set and just how stupidly late it would ultimately occur (somewhere just shy of four in the morning in case you're wondering) and whether they'd need to bring their own pillows, sleeping bags, bacon and eggs, orange juice, fresh coffee, breakfast muffins, crumpets or BBQ sauce to accompany it; or fuck it... perhaps all the above? Either way I'm just happy that I'm still managing to stay "upright" here, as the bar has long since run out of beer and now I'm onto the cider (it's still free though, so what the hey!) and obviously this ISN'T me providing a live review in following... I mean seriously!? WE'RE WELL BEYOND THAT!! as much as I could mention that Brendan Shaw from Lady Strangelove joined the band for a song (I forgot what he did exactly but it must've been awesome!), go on to mention that what you're seeing below IS bass player Davison Jones' feet with alternating coloured socks on, and that below THAT I've provided you with a live video of "Dead Sea" that I totally don't remember shooting; and as for the rest? yeaaah you just had to be here.. it was madness maaan, pure fucking madness!
5:10AM - And then of course we had to leave, because seriously WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE STILL DOING OUT AT THIS HOUR!? as much as I was very much enjoying all those complimentary ciders, except wait... does anyone else find all those ice cubes annoyingly distracting? I mean they keep clanging about in the glass, they're hitting your teeth at weird angles to the point you gotta scoop them all with your hands and flick them about the floo... and no wait what the fuck am I saying!? I'M DRINKING FOR FREE!! or in the other words? it was only after Adam Vanderwerf from Ride Into The Sun stole my novelty cigarette lighter (that I totally stole from someone else, weeks back at Supermild... only I forgot who!?) and proceed to pull shitcrazy faces with it that I snapped out of it and realise just where the fuck I was... *ahem* so like, who's up for some Pancake Kitchen then?
Short stack? no wait... medium stack? triple stack with ice cream? aaanyone!?
5:23AM - Obviously next to everyone else here was looking to go home already; as much as "already" is an odd choice of words (and yes I'm well aware of that) but hey it's only a few short hours until the first bus anyways (or only an hour and a half until the "H22" bus at approximately 6:45AM on a Saturday morning, according to my bus timetable) so that's gotta be a plus riiight!?
5:31AM - But I wasn't having any part in that, OOOOH NO!! I wasn't giving up, I was a man on a mission! for pancake stacks, triple stacks! with icecream and maple syrup and shitcrazy hundreds and thousands! and! and I WILL NOT RELENT UNTIL I'VE SUCCEEDED IN THIS RIGHTEOUS QUEST!! or at the very least sought out the laziest, nearest, drunken equivalent, and aaaah pfft... what do I care? it's all the same at this hour! And is that Anthony Candlish putting his shoes on? and I'm totally taking a photo of it laughing myself blind like it's the best thing EVER? yeaaah pretty much, it's 5:31AM, what else is there to do in the east end at this hour? AAAAHAHAhahAhAHAhA SHOES!!
5:35AM - Which possibly explains why we ended up HERE at this infamous Pultney Street eatery: who's foul name we dare not speak in "polite company" (although it's not hard to guess from that EFTPOS machine) as much as none of that hopes to explain the reasoning behind THIS photo. Nope that's Lisa, "Lisa... who!?" yeaaah I've got no freaking clue either, only totally she tagged along for the ride and now she's entertaining us all with her many wacky skateboarding injuries...
(aaaah I know, this is SO totally the best blog I've ever written, dontcha think!?)
5:45AM - While Anthony Candlish here appears to have stumbled upon an endless source of "amusement" in MY many conflicting brain injuries. Hmmm. Now as much as you might THINK such a grisly scene would prove endlessly disturbing to a great many of the patrons eating here tonight; considering the "faeces flinging hour" to which we find ourselves? yeaaah we pretty much just blend in. Awesome huh!? (HA HA HA I know, I think I suffered a mild stroke just looking at this photo!).
5:49AM - Now as much as I could of (perhaps should have) switched my camera off hours ago: yanked out the battery, the memory card and smashed it repetitively against a wall as many times as deemed entirely necessary so I'd never have to make the horrifying discovery in all these idiotic photos the next day (I mean it'd certainly save me a hell of a lot of near nonsensical commentary at the end of a blog) I dunno, I just find it weirdly "fascinating". Like there's something peaceful, almost "meditative" in watching pissdrunks pick at their food with such unabashed enthusiasm.
Besides I just had to capture THIS moment for posterity... yes that IS a bundle of french fries dipped in tartare (or at least I hope it was tartare!?) and it was hands down THE BEST SHIT EVER!!
6:01AM - Just like I wholeheartedly believe that these two photos of Lisa... whoever the hell she is!? (but aaaah isn't she awesome all the same!) fogging up all the windows outside just now? represents just what I truly love MOST about the Fringe Festival. "wait... what the fuck has one got to do with the other here!? NONE OF THIS SHIT MAKES ANY SENSE!?" Exactly! just like the Fringe Festival itself. And that sound of your head spinning right now? is exactly where I'm at right now!
(hmmm and to think we're not the craziest people in this city right now...?)
Yup I dunno about you... but with three more weeks of this insanity yet to come? I'M EXCITED!!
