The Adelaide scene: to many of you it may be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctional splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
RIDE INTO THE SUN + SINCERELY, GRIZZLY + QUIET IN THE LAB! "BIRTHDAY GIG SPECTACULAR!!!" @ THE LIGHT / Friday September 10th 2010
Well.. at the very least I knew what I was getting myself into tonight. HA HA HA duuude did I ever! I knew this night was going to be complete and utter carnage, total fucking insanity and at least five kinds of face melting debauchery, delerium and a-grade dribbling dementia; in fact I was very much looking forward to it too. Seriously! after suffering through three increasingly BRUTAL months of winter here? (FUUUCK need I remind you!?) I needed this shit like a bullet to the head maaan! I needed this more than life itself! And every year when it slaps you silly like THIS? oh it delivers in spades maaan! Those first few stirrings of spring, sunshine, blue skies, all that spastic blossoming whatever-the-fuck culminating in that ONE Friday night to end all Friday nights celebrating in all its giddy excess!? "HA HA HA KABOOOM!!". Then eighteen hours later when you regain consciousness? nothing but a blank cathode tube, flashing command prompt and a busted QWERTY imput cradling a coffee cup, nursing a monumental hangover with fifty to a hundred panadols fed through an IV drip and you just KNOW it was worth it all? no matter how obliterated it makes you feel!? "OOOOH FUCK YEAAAH.. WHAT A FRIDAY NIGHT!!". And as such? yeaaah I should probably offer an apology for pretty much everything you're about to read here, huh!? For this won't be the most accurate or comprehensive recollection of events that transpired tonight.. OOOOH FUCK NO!! And the reason WHY should be bleedingly obvious to all those involved too: there is no brain left to remember it! I mean I have NOTHING duuude! I'm dumber than a sack of hammers right now, I'm dumber than a bag of hair extensions, I'm dumber than a goldfish floating face down in an aquarium full of nyquil pissing a leak! In fact I'm SO profoundly out of my own skull it utterly astounds me even now that I'm managing to form complete sentences without forming a puddle of my own urine on the floor. YEAAAS!! just as I also suspect this isn't even me talking to you it's someone else "ghost writing" it instead (and I mean that quite literally too, as I've somehow tapped into some hitherto unknown "ouija" function on my laptop) and I have this ONE night to thank for it!? OH YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE IT BABY!! For this Friday night has not only killed me dead, it damn near saved my life!
"And this is where it all started tonight? at The Light? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?". Yes, yes I know! believe me I know! as I TOO remember this shitdive all too well by its many other "illbient incarnations" from The Colonel Light, Jimmy Rowes, The Heritage to "whoaaa shit I just got stabbed, shot at, pissed on, molested by a metrosexual douche in an Ed Hardy shirt, some homeless aboriginal is setting fire to my shoes and heeere comes the ambulance!" (because clearly that joke never stops being funny!) except as I went on to elaborate IN that review: they've just launched a "shiny new" live venue upstairs, it's all kinds of ridiculously awesome for reasons I can't even begin to describe only it's every reason I had for coming back AGAIN tonight to join Ride Into The Sun, Sincerely, Grizzly, Droplet and Buster Fidez in celebrating a combined "birthday party spectacular" for three members of Quiet In The Lab! (although if it helps I may've designed their accompanying poster too). And being the raging sucker for punishment that I? (because hey I've never had hepatitis before but I always felt like I've been "missing out" on something) they totally serve up these eye gougingly insane counter meals too. No really check THIS out! It's their T-bone Steak for $18. I swear it's as big as a toilet seat (or least large enough to swamp 3/4's of your plate). It comes with a generous serving of chips (crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside, chicken salt seasoned and tasty as all balls) plus all that miscellaneous salad shit (I dunno? sliced cucumber? radish?). And if you get it with the additional red peppercorn sauce for $2? duuude it's like a cow had an exploding orgasm in your mouth and EVERYONE'S INVITED!! also I'm pretty sure it didn't give me hepatitis or even a mad case of the shingles (but don't quote me on that as I haven't got my biopsy back) I mean just look at it steaming on a plate.. WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE!?
In fact I was SO "wildly ecstatic" about that shit just now I even went back for dessert, or maybe I simply ordered them both at the same time like a fat fucking imbecile (well actually.. considering just how much I'm likely to be drinking myself to death tonight it's probably best I do "line the stomach" a bit.. hmmm?) either way, THIS was what I found on their special's menu. It's some kinda chocolate brownie thingamajig drenched in dark chocolate with a goofy dollop of ice cream splotched on top, some kinda flour whatever-the-fuck in sprinkled decoration and what appears to be a leaf used as utterly unnecessary garnish (no really? what is up with THAT shit!?) but hey I needn't tell you what it tastes like do I!? as clearly it'd be cruel and unusual punishment for each and every one of you poor bastards who are very likely pawing at your computer screen right now making sad whimpering noises. Yup sucks to be you.. because this was FREAKING DEEELICIOUS!!
But of course one of the many reasons to be at The Light tonight, short of the $5 pints at the bar or the bands that might be playing here tonight; and let me just specify that this is the UPSTAIRS we're talking about here and NOT the downstairs (because you know.. people have actually been raped, murdered and eaten down there AND I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU!!) is because in many ways, being a shiny new live venue like this pretty much gives you "carte blanche" to do just about anything hilariously stupid and debaucherous that other more "established" venues (especially ones with a more aggressive security presence) would otherwise "frown upon". I mean it's like our own private clubhouse up here. Seriously! Remember back in early 2008 when The Ed Castle used to only be populated with psychedelic drug fiends, art students and the chronically unemployed!? Remember back when Azz Shaw from Lady Strangelove did that hilarious "nudie run" on stage? Remember when that dude from that band I won't mention the name of got caught in the act with his girlfriend, did a mad runner and stacked it over that fence!? Oh it's TOTALLY like that! except it's all "indie geeks" totally spazzing over guitar pedals and pickups here, it's me scamming $2 schooners like they're funsized Mars Bars all a sudden (because some unnamed "genius" totally offered me one of those "blue wristbands" usually reserved for performing artists AND WE ALL KNOW I AIN'T GONNA ABUSE THAT SHIT!! WOOOHAHAHaAHahAhaHA!!). And as for what any of this shit has got to do with Jeremy, drummer for 20th Century Graduates, dicking around with the mixing desk like he suddenly owns the joint? nothing.. nothing at all! *cough* why do you ask!?
Which brings us in only the most "professionalism" frame of mind to our opening act; only before you ask? the ever omnipresent and accomplished Matt Hills actually did most of the sound tonight, Naboo there was simply hired to "pull shapes" in the interim and crank Bell & Sebastian in the DJ mix many more times than considered entirely necessary (and what a bangup job he did too!) but really that's neither here and there.. and better yet? did I mention I was still ragingly sober and of "sound mind" at this point? OH YEAH THIS BAND'S TOTALLY SCREWED!! Yup this is Buster Fidez, the first band in a monumental five band bill tonight (yes.. I know!). And originally they were billed as an acoustic act (or at least I think they were!?) only now they're a four piece band, which is all kinds of hilariously fucked up (at least for me) because originally they were a FIVE piece band, only now they're missing their drummer Drue Jackman because as their lead singer Matt Oliver put it ever so casually: "he picked a girlfriend in Sydney over us, he's young, it happens.." so now they're left with this gaping BIG hole on stage; which of course I'll proceed to fill by cracking jokes at their expense. YEAAAS!! And if you think that's retarded? oh it only gets better the minute they start playing. Now obviously this isn't the first time I've seen them: that was back in February at The Metro (in fact I might have even based an entire episode around them.. go figure?) and as much as the crowd WAS loving the shit out of them that night (and how!) they kinda confused the hell out of me. Not necessarily in a bad way per se, but.. yeaaah how do I explain this? back then I compared them to everything from Huey Lewis & The News, The Whitlams, Ben Folds Five, Dire Straights, Hunters & Collectors, Pearl Jam and even John Farnham's "Whispering Jack" album; and then when I finally regained consciousness howling in a rubber room somewhere? I may even have called them the musical equivalent of a 70's Las Vegas casino. WOOOO!! In short they're a total dyslexic mindfuck (and then some!), but occassionally quite "pleasingly" so. And tonight, sans drummer, it's actually starting to make a little more sense too. In essence think of them as the goofiest extremes of 80's new romanticism brought to life. At best think Tears For Fears, Roxy Music, maybe even a little Echo & The Bunnymen? at worst think Noiseworks (oh wait.. did I say just that out loud!?) think soaring power ballads, slow builds, emotional heartfelt choruses, and what you'd half imagine to be a sea of cigarette lighters waving in the air behind you.. and it only gets better when you see who's playing it too. Not necessarily for the sight of their singer Matt squinting into the microphone (as he's probably the least likely to get picked in a police lineup), or even Ben Johns doing his best impersonation of Biff Tannen from Back To The Future on keys; which only gets funnier when you see the spitting doppelgänger of Doc Emmett Brown (aka: Ian Newton) busting a move on bass. Nope the real comedy gold is found with their guitarist Andrew Cuffley. Looking for all the world like the love child between Bryan Adams and Lurch from The Addams Family, with his mismatched stripey scarf and acid wash jeans.. "ACID WASH JEANS!? HA HA HA WHAT THE FUCK!?" yup he truly is a gift that keeps on giving and yes I truly COULD blow an entire paragraph making fun of this shit in celebration, but once you DO get past all that? yeaaah the band's actually not half bad (and no that totally isn't me bursting tears of laughter I swear!). I mean granted this isn't their best night tonight and without their drummer it very much feels like an extended intro that never really goes anywhere. But Ben still covers for it masterfully with the tambourine, they perform a mad cover of Radiohead's "Karma Police" that KILLS, they're every reason I can think of (on top of all the others) to get obliteratingly drunk at the bar.. I mean what more could you want from an opening act!? Yup that's Buster Fidez. Just like Frankenstein monster dressed as Punky Brewster performing like they're A-Ha.. but I swear in the best way possible!
DROPLET (***1/2) Which by no "small measure of relief" and a few too many beers at the bar to stop my brain from exploding; as much as they were hilariously fun to write about as well (HA HA HA no really duuudes anytime!) brings us to our second act; although in some ways they're no less confusing a prospect as Buster Fidez (or at least when it comes to writing a half arsed "live review" on them). You see originally they were a four piece band based around Melbourne back in the mid 90's (or '93-'99 to be exact) doing all them whizzbang album releases, interstate tours and blah-di-blah "hey we performed live on Triple J" whatever-the-fuck bands back in the mid 90's were totally reknown for (aaaah fuck I dunno.. google it? I mean do I have to do everything around here!? SHEEESH!!). But then they broke up, something to do with their bass player and drummer drinking all the beer rider before the show (amongst other slightly more "valid" reasons?). Only to reform as a two piece featuring Elizabeth Valentine on vocals (now based in Tasmania) and the ever infamous Matt Hills on guitar for series of "reunion shows" in the early 00's (replacing said "offending" members with a DAT machine) the most recent of which being back in 2003 in support of The Lucksmith. Only then they "broke up" again for seven years, as much as they technically hadn't reformed to begin with. Only to reform AGAIN for another reunion at Matt Hill's 40th birthday party this year. And as much as we thought that was the end of it? yup here they are again tonight! And better yet they've even come with a new song "The Changing Tide" with which they opened tonight's set? Awesome huh!? TOTALLY, my brain's totally going off like a microwave bag of popcorn as I speak, anyone got any salt? (and the tequila shot to go with it!?) WOOOOHAHAhahAhahAhAHA!! Still as much as I AM at a total loss on whether to describe this band as still "active", or one that only exists in a variable state of "indefinite hiatus" (and as much as they likely both have no idea either?) all is soon forgiven the minute you hear them live. For as much as Droplet DO reference everything in an A-Z of 90's retro: think everything from Mazzy Star, Cocteau Twins, Frente!, My Bloody Valentine to The Stone Roses (drowned in a shitload of guitar fuzz and reverb to boot) by a happy accident they also happen to find themselves at the very cutting edge of indie fashionista too. I mean hell if you squint your ears in just the right way you could totally hear everything in it from Princess One Point Five, Beach House, M83, Bat For Lashes and School Of Seven Bells. And they're not just ripping off the 90's sound to come up with it either, they ARE the 90's sound at its authentic best. In stage presence too they have a relaxed way of presenting it: all easy going charm, witty banter and no pretense. Elizabeth Valentine channels a lot of Angie Hart in her delivery, all childlike wonder and innocence. While Matt Hills counters that like a lumbering giant on guitar with a wall of hammering fuzz and multilayered drone to give it that well weighted gravity and bite. The overall feel makes you think "lullabies for stoners", everything has that drifting quality, that languid "dappled" feel, as much as the songs themselves are all about breakups and living on the dole (aaaah I know! back when being on the dole used to be cool aye?). And admittedly I'm probably not as blazed out of my skull as I should be to REALLY enjoy it (as much as the live PA at The Light isn't doing any wonders in drowning out Elizabeth's vocals either) but with all that being said, as much as what we're presented with here does feels a little like an "unfinished symphony"? it still has us itching for more. Yup that's Droplet. Whatever-the-fuck we might want to call them? reheated, rehashed, rebooted or retrofitted zombie reanimated.. in the here and now? they're still nothing but fresh!
QUIET IN THE LAB! (****1/2) myspace :: Which then brings us to our third act for the night.. but before I DO proceed to rubbish them with that special kind of maniacal glee that only a "glowing four and half star review" could possibly give me poetic license to write (because hey it's not like they can tear me limb from limb for all the colourful insults I dish up here if it's disguised as undying praise riiight!? WOOOO!!) allow for me a "teeny tiny disclaimer". You see.. at some point either during or just prior to their live set tonight I may have scammed myself a "blue wristband"; and yes I might have mentioned it before too. The same blue wristband that gave me ready access to all the $2 schooners I could possibly down, two at a time in one sitting (or lying spreadeagled on the floor laughing) without resorting to deep sea scuba gear to survive it? HA HA HA DUUUDE IT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS!! (and it was just what I needed too!). And the reason WHY I'm mentioning all this? is it may have some teeny tiny bearing on just how wildly informative or accurate this "live review" might be, or more importantly WON'T BE (or pretty much the credibility of just about everything else you might read in following). And I'm not even kidding you duuude! I looked at my phone just now where I usually keep all my notes and all I've got on Quiet In The Lab! tonight? amounts to little more than an exploding "brainfart" riddled with ALL CAP superlatives and expletives. I mean in the very least it indicates they rocked the shit out of it tonight, but obviously we need more to explain "why", preferably whilst insulting next to every one of them for it (as is my nature). But since I've got nothing but photos and video and a "dim recollection" to go by here? yeaaah all I can really tell you IS Quiet In The Lab! rocked the shit out of it.. yes I know I already wrote that, but it was truly undeniable maaan! I mean they had a wall to wall sound a few shades short of literally blowing the fucking roof off; it was fucking insane! They had a dancefloor "packed" floor to ceiling going beserk to them; they couldn't get enough of it! Every song was a hit.. EVERY FUCKING SONG!! I mean there was just NO way in hell I could fault them even if I tried! And therein lies the problem, or at least for me, as I really wanted to do my utmost in destroying them tonight.. OOOOH DID I EVER!! And it's not because I hate this band.. far from it! They're fucking brilliant maaan! they're easily one of my new favourite bands on the Adelaide scene right now, especially after seeing this show tonight; they totally have me sold! It's just that I know their lead singer Dougie Arnott for a good many years now and it'd amuse me to no end to give that doughyarse bastard a bad review; you know just for laughs! (but more so because I just KNOW I could get away with it). But no this set tonight was a no brainer for "instant appeal" on SO many levels here. Firstly it's their ridiculously infectious 90's sound. Think Blink 182 meets Dinosaur Jnr in the simplest of terms but feel free to throw in everything else from Jimmy Eat World, Weezer, Sonic Youth, Blind Melon and The Lemonheads to round it all out; they even did a mad cover of Mudhoney's "When Tomorrow Hits"; I mean if you're into any of that shit? you'll totally lose yours to this (better yet they totally nail it in the songwriting too!). Secondly it's their exploding stage presence: they totally OWN this room, they're like cartoon characters larger than life in the way they tear it up! It's Dougie on lead vocals pulling an A-Z in rock histrionics, it's the undeniable freakiness that is Andrew Cuffley on lead guitar (yes the same from before and no less brain damaging now!), it's all four members taking turn on vocals; and that one song where bass player Jayne Arnott goes nuts with the maracas? NEVER A DULL MOMENT!! Thirdly they're only a new band, they've only just played a handful of shows and yet their debut show STILL blew shit up? and tonight proves that was no fluke either!? YES I KNOW!! I mean I could crack all the jokes I want in rubbishing them, and believe me I hit the jackpot when I said Dougie looked like "Carson Kressley on a mad shopping spree stuffed into the ill fitting body of Ricky Gervais" in that first review back in April but it doesn't diminish the fact that this band are onto a winner. Duuude, they're a fucking massacre! Quiet In The Lab! If you love 90's punk pop and slacker rock, fuck it.. if you simply have four limbs, a body and a brain to flail them (or even if you DON'T) you'll fucking love this!
SINCERELY, GRIZZLY (***1/2) myspace :: Which then brings us all the more cluelessly drunk to our fourth act (I might have made a few more trips to the bar in between too *burp* scuse me!) and again I sincerely apologise for pretty much everything you just read in that Quiet In The Lab! review: it was an utter embarassment on my part, I totally should've known better, as much as the band themselves are likely high fiving each other and popping champagne corks as I speak (because clearly the opinions of THIS blog are that important in the grand scheme of things AAAAHAHAHAaHahAHAhAHaHA!!) just as I also suspect they were totally behind that "blue wristband" scheme to begin with, and yeaaah on second thoughts why should I ever want to discourage THAT shit!? no.. no I totally meant everything I just said, YOU GUYS ROCK!! And as for where all this leaves our FOURTH act after I've been rambling "reams upon reams" of bullshit to cover for the fact I couldn't remember shit-fuckall of their live set tonight? Hmmm guess I just answered that question huh? Awesome! LET'S GO BACK TO THE BAR AND CELEBRATE!! Yup this is Sincerely, Grizzly. If you seriously don't know who the fuck they are already, you clearly haven't read the upteen OTHER reviews I've already written on them this year (the most recent of which in support of 20th Century Graduate's EP launch three weeks ago), your name is Leonard Shelby, you have anterograde amnesia, John G killed your wife and you owe me $1000; oh and feel free to read that last bit over as many times as necessary (no really.. you owe me $5000!). Or in other words more "needlessly redundant": they're a math rock band mixing equal measures of The National, Sonic Youth and Shellac, they've been on the Adelaide scene now for little over a year, they're total band geeks for guitar pedals and effects units (or at least their lead singer Joshua Calligeros sure as shit is), their drummer Rowan Mount used to play a goofy "electronic kit" (yeaaah it was kinda crap) oh and their bass player Griff Farley totally wears a beanie.. YES, A BEANIE (sometimes he even wears two of them!) all upto speed? excellent! Still as much as I could have left it there safe in the knowledge that I've covered all the requisite bases without actually saying anything; short of giving them an arbitrary "rating out of five" (I know, I like to think it's a specialty of mine!). Since I also have the "black box recording" of their show tonight, aka: whatever-the-fuck I managed to recover from my camera and phone SMS the next day and NOT delete in abject horror? I can now piece together the following tidbits of information (and yes it DOES totally amaze me that I can take such ridiculously a-grade photos of this band whilst simultaneously being for all intents and purposes "vertically comatose"). Firstly their entire live set was very much influenced by the fact that Josh's chosen AFL team the Fremantle Dockers (in case it wasn't bleedingly obvious by what he was wearing tonight) just got thrashed 69 points by Geelong in the final and he was rather "pissed off" about it. Secondly he had a second microphone stand setup facing away from the audience so he could vent at least part of that frustration during some of the "quieter" songs (and a nifty touch I might add too!). Thirdly despite all reports to the contrary Griff was only wearing ONE beanie and not four.. WHOAAA!! And overall it was a more deliberate performance too, more aggressive in the guitar, Rowan's drumming more heavy hitting, they played five songs (maybe six) only to be cut short in the last one "Two-Face" when Josh's guitar loop kept fucked up on him but since I was way too drunk to notice any of this? I'll totally give them all a "thumbs up" regardless. Yup that's Sincerely, Grizzly. By all accounts I was never here and this never happened.. but if it did duuude? I just bet I it would've been a "mad" one!
RIDE INTO THE SUN (****) myspace :: Which at long last brings us to our headlining act. And by "headlining act" I clearly mean that on a gross technicality: as by now next to everyone around me is SO laughingly and obliteratingly drunk celebrating the combined birthdays of Dougie, Jayne and Andrew from Quiet In The Lab! that they've totally forgotten there's even a live band playing HERE let alone who's birthday it is (fuck I dunno.. the queen!? horse's birthday? Jebus!?) or why they're celebrating it in the first place or why the walls and ceiling are "strobing" in such a peculiar way. Just as I have no clue what the FUCK is going on either and pretty much haven't for the past two hours now (yeaaah it's not like you've noticed) and I seem perfectly ok with that fact cradling two schooners at once under each armpit with my trousers around my ankles blowing bubbles like a retarded goldfish, despite the fact I'm standing only two metres away from said "headlining act" taking all these photos. *PHEW* I know! I really DO love these pissdrunk shows the best don't I? "WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY WHEN WE CAN GET HILARIOUSLY NAKED AND FUCK EVERYTHING THAT MOVES!! WOOOOHAHAhAhaHAHaHA!!". Still for those of you at home who are not only wondering if it's actually "safe to drive" after reading all this nonsense but perhaps also the "topic" at hand that I've been so deft in avoiding up until now!? Yes this was a band well worth sticking around for. This is Ride Into The Sun. And yes you've likely heard of them before as I've featured them this year almost as many times as Sincerely, Grizzly (if not more so, if we take all the youtube uploads into account). In fact it's almost a dead heat to determine which one of them is 2010's winner of the "Mona Lisa Overdrive Award" for Adelaide scene overexposure.. such is their raging "omnipresence" to everything short of a playing in a toilet cubicle or at a fridge door opening (a never more apt description for their starring role in "ProgFest" at Enigma Bar last week if ever I heard one). Still as much as everything HAS been written about them? (and then some!) there were a few notable differences in tonight's set.. yes even notable to the "gurgling imbecile" here blissfully incompetent in documenting it. Firstly there's the matter of their guitarist Luke Mayes "missing in action" (who left back in July for a photography internship at a Paris fashion magazine.. go figure?). He's since been replaced by Matt Hills, yes the infamous Matt Hills you've pretty much see everywhere, not least of which in our second act (and thus he needs no introduction here). His added influence, although subtle to the overall sound here, is immediately noticeable whenever he rips into a solo. Instead of Luke's distinctly erratic approach where he just about dismantles his guitar and puts it back together in every hacking riff (ie: see next to every performance they ever did of Mazzy Star's "Wasted" whenever it kicked on for more than six minutes of blissed out feedback) Matt goes for a more stately, disciplined demeanor where he not so much dismantles his guitar but "surfs" it with a goofy grin. Also new are two additional songs added to the setlist, one of which Matt may've had a dab hand in: "Fool" and "Napoleon" (a tidbit I uncovered courtesy of me actually remembering to photograph their setlist.. SCORE!!). Also of note is their lead singer Anthony Candlish's increasingly antagonistic stage presence: the more the set wears on, the more visibly cheesed off he appears to be with the audience laughing it up in the back all but ignoring the band, to the point he actually heckles them for not giving them appreciation up front. I mean it's hard to say whether he's simply acting out in "character" or if this shit's REALLY starting to bug him but it's definitely amusing to see all the same (and next time? fuck it.. I might even flick some lit matches at him and see if I can pick a fight!). But all in all? yup it's still pretty much the same band we've come to expect and they're all the better for it! Yup that's Ride Into The Sun. They might be playing the "curtain call" tonight while next to everyone else around them has already "checked out" but when it's served up in that dark and twisting psychedelic style of theirs? duuude we wouldn't have this any other way!
1:42AM - Yup thanks to all this live music and mad celebration tonight I like to think I've gotten rather drunk. And by "rather drunk" feel free to substitute your own grossly exaggerated figure (and then multiply it by a factor of five a few shades of a frantic stomach pumping) and obviously it's not something I SHOULD be proud of, pfft.. of course not duuude! I mean binge drinking is a horrible HORRIBLE thing, it's a social disease, it's destroying the very fabric upon which this proud society of ours is woven upon blah-di-blah "taking responsibility for my actions" whatever-the-fuck and I'll be sure to tell the kids at the orphanage that when I accidently wake up face down in their kitchen gruel the next day making incoherent gargling noises.. the point I'm trying to make is: I'm not the ONLY one doing this shit. We and many others like us, in many other venues throughout town tonight, are in this "glorious mess" together doing our utmost to forget these three brutal months of winter ever happened (and how!) it's been a wild ride so far, and it's really only just begun. Which clearly doesn't apply to THESE two frisky new arrivals: who by all accounts have been doing nothing but sip teeny tiny cups of tea, compare knitting patterns and discuss 19th century French literature. Aaaah I know, I really do have the most AWESOMELY fucked up friends don't I?
2:16AM - Now of course I could begin to elaborate WHY these "fucked up friends" of mine: at least four by my count, chose to burst upstairs into The Light at the very last minute (with half of them not pictured here on account they'd likely murder me if I published hilariously "drunk" photos of them.. oh hi Jade!) or how they managed to bluff their way past security downstairs, or the door charge upstairs or what they may've actually been doing earlier tonight besides "sipping teeny tiny cups of tea"? (at The Crown & Anchor!? hmmm?) except do we really give a flying fuck right now!? Yes this is Simone.. and YES I KNOW (believe me I know). Obviously she needs no introduction here, I mean she's been nothing short of a serial pest in making all too frequent appearances in this blog for no good reason whatsoever and I DO apologise profusely for that (yeaaah not like I see any of YOU complaining right now!) and this right HERE, is what I like to call her favourite (drunk) game of all: "flirt chicken". The aim is simple. She does a lot of THIS (and other photos I dare not publish *ahem*) and me and the vast majority of the male audience reading this right now (and a good portion of the female audience too) do our very utmost to stop our brains from exploding. Awesome huh!? HA HA HA TOTALLY DUUUDE!! she truly is a gift that keeps on giving!
I know it's "almost" annoying how she does it too.. DAMN YOU SIMONE!!
2:41AM - And so instead? I figured I might hide out backstage amongst the more civilised and distinguished folk here: "hi everyone, how's the earl grey and chamomile treating you? that good huh!? no.. no more for me, I'm driving!" where we discussed nothing but the most important and pressing issues of the day; as much as THIS photo here very much doesn't "signify" otherwise.
2:46AM - Either way I think it's fair to say that everyone's starting to feel just that little bit "out of it" now. All of this clearly related to a raging outbreak of hepatitis, the shingles, yellow fever, or maybe even early onset creutzfeldt–jakob disease (you can never be too careful these days: what with all those shitcrazy superbugs freely roaming the streets upturning trash cans and devouring school buses.. yikes!). Because we'd never want to, not even for a moment, suggest that any of us have been "binge drinking" tonight (as much as I've been suggesting it all along). Nope just like I told my parents back when I was 16? this was nothing but a Monopoly Party, A MONOPOLY PARTY! we ordered ourselves a "pizza", it had some "bad pickles" on it.. AND THAT'S THE END OF THAT!!
Isn't that right Jeremy? "uh huh, yup, *burp* totally a bad pickle!".
2:53AM - And THIS is every reason I could think of to make a swift exit from The Light with the maximum amount of expediency (preferably off the balcony to a soft landing on a car roof below) before the hazmat teams, STAR division or a UN peace keeping force are called in to clear the place out as ground zero to a viral pandemic. Still, I gotta give bonus points to either of these mad fools if ever they use this photo for a subsequent "relationship status" update on Facebook.
3:02AM - A few short minutes later I make my way to Supermild, in an orderly fashion, and in no way flailing and screaming hysterically at the bouncer at the door to start loading his shotgun and prepare for "hell itself to be unleashed", before doing a mad flying barrel roll down those stairs, sprinting towards the bar in effort to arm myself with as many "molotov cocktails" as I can possibly find. Because let's face it that's pretty much me "calling the kettle black" isn't it? as much as it's the bouncer not understanding a single fucking word I'm saying: "ARFBLBRFBLL what now?" and yet in all likelyhood? he'll still let me scam my way past the ridiculous lineup outside no questions asked. Aaaah no shit, have I ever mentioned how much I freaking LOVE this joint!? WAHOOOO!!
3:22AM - So here I am slumming it with Lucy by the bar. "Lucy WHO!?" yeaaah I've got no idea either but isn't she ridiculously awesome!? (awww I know!). And yes I know what it looks like here: like I'm one of those "domesticated house cats" a few shades short of skitzing the fuck out in a tornado of fur and claws shrieking like THIS is the last place I'd ever want to be: "FUCK MAAAN tell me about it!? I mean LOOK WHAT I'VE GOTTA PUT UP WITH HERE!? SHEEESH!!". But yeah trust me duuude, it's taken years of concentration and zen like meditation to look THIS "utterly annoyed".
4:29AM - Speaking of such it's moments later that I'm then "rudely interrupted" by these two nitwits. As much as I might have been "ignoring them" for the past half hour, as much as I actually snuck them in past the lineup earlier (along with next to every other lunatic you'll see in following) because as we all should know: I might SOUND like a cynical-arse bastard channeling everyone from Gregory House MD, Dr Cox and Billy Murray in all my "angry tirades" on this blog? but that's only because you're missing the sound of me pissing myself laughing when I write it.. true story! For instance just YOU try and explain with a straight face what the fuck's going on in this photo!? I mean is that Jesse on the right attempting to blow Joe Blog's brain like a woodwind instrument using nothing but a stolen drumstick. Would he have more luck with it if he gave a swift tap to the ear to let all the "air" piss out first? And if he did, would it soon be followed by a lone buzzing bee? The same buzzing bee responsible for most of Joe's higher brain function!? Yup sometimes a photo really doesn't need a caption to do it justice and sometimes I'll simply write one anyways.
Or take Harold here for instance: as much as "Harold" isn't actually his name, even though it's written on his name tag, as much as we're not entirely sure he even works at Woolworths (or at least that's what we'll say in writing just to be on the safe side). I mean could we possibly explain WHY four people are simultaneously flipping him off; save for the fact we're all too ridiculously drunk NOT TO!? Of course we can't.. and that's one of the many reasons we're in this ridiculous situation in the first place! (and wait is one of those raised middle fingers mine too? awesome!).
Or hey what about..? yeaaah it really doesn't matter WHAT I write here does it? "Hey did anyone see where my brain just went? it made this *pffblplplpl* noise out my ears then it just vanished!?".
And then there's THIS guy. I have no fucking clue who he is or why he's here, except a whole bunch of us got drunk with him once back in November at The Crown & Sceptre, Producers Bar, Shotz? (and apparently a 7 day bathroom supply showroom!?) and at some point a bunch of THEM thought it'd be hilarious to swap their clothes around and..? aaaah fuck this I'm going back to the bar! No.. no don't give me a bottle, just give a bucket, a funnel, another bucket and I'll say when!
4:51AM - Yup if ever there was any wisdom to impart tonight (and believe me I'm struggling to come up with any right now) it's that sometimes drinking yourself this retardingly beyond the point of stupid isn't just a horribly misguided way to celebrate "the passing of the seasons". Nope when you find yourself among "Olympic grade pissletes" of THIS calibre? it's more a matter of survival.
5:31AM - Many MANY hours later, or perhaps just a half hour later as to be fair I'm not entirely too sure by this point: "but hey look kids! that timestamp there is totally keeping track of shit in bold type so everything's gonna be OK!" we find ourselves here at Mickey D's on West Terrace. And as it turns out? they're already serving up the breakfast menu. Which is a little weird as I'm pretty sure the sun hasn't come up yet; as much as it's actually more annoying than anything else because I don't know about you duuudes? but there's nothing truly worse after a hard night's drinking than to find yourself stuck with an egg "fucking" mcmuffin. A sentiment Joe Blogs here is very much inclined to agree with.. isn't that right Joe? huh? HUH? WHAT A FUCKING OUTRAAAGE!!
Yeaaah I think we've just lost him. Funnier still? he may even have stood up, walked to the door and walked all the way home rather than deal with any of this insanity another minute longer. YES!!
5:37AM - But you know what? I maybe warming up to this whole "breakfast" at 5:30 thing. No really! I mean if you look at it the right way it kinda looks like a burger? and here I am giving it the finger and..? yeaaah I think we'll just stop right there; damn egg mcmuffin is creeping me out.
5:46AM - And what does Simone have to say about all this? I dunno.. let's ask her! "Simone? Simone!? HELLO!!" (and wait.. is that what I think it is?) aaaah fuck this I'm outta here.. TAAAXI!!
6:25AM - And so here I am! I'm pretty sure I caught a taxi home, or at least I HOPE I caught a taxi home, I mean shit? it kinda looked like a taxi.. as much as I'm entirely unsure where the fuck I am now? errr!? Still what I can say with the utmost authority is that THIS cushion in a tree here is the single most head explodingly awesome thing I've seen all night (that I swear I had absolutely nothing to do with). And if worse comes to worse? I could brick a window to one of those houses opposite, find me a couch (or a master bedroom) and sleep it off til noon! I'm sure the occupants wouldn't mind and hell why would they duuude? it's springtime now and EVERYTHING'S AWESOME!!
Yup I knew what I was getting myself into tonight. I knew maaan, I KNEW!! I knew I'd crawl out the other end a babbling, blithering, beer belching beast more than a man. I knew I wouldn't be able to string two words together in the hopes of describing it for the foreseeable "who the fuck knows when?". I knew that it would completely and utterly destroy me and make a three bean salad out of my remains. And then maybe I'd be posting flyers on stobie poles advertising "HAVE YOU SEEN MY BRAIN!?". And then maybe I'd get a call from one of the Supermild barstaff after they found it freaking out behind the DJ booth all walnut shrunken, hissing, spitting and throwing furniture at them (no really.. you don't want to see it angry!). And then maybe it would forgive me for all I put it through this Friday (and how) and maybe it would help me write this blog in mad celebration to it. Because it like ME would know that this night was worth every damn minute! that it was the much needed antidote to all three months of winter woe that came before it (chance exceptions excluded of course!) and that thanks to it all THIS would make sense again.. YEAAAS!! Welcome back blue skies! Welcome back sunshine! Welcome back all you hibernating squirrels squinting in the dawn daylight! I'd been killing myself stupid here without you, and now? IT FEELS GOOD TO BE ALIVE!!
