:: Wednesday, September 29, 2010

ALARM BIRDS + THE SEA THIEVES + HAWKS OF ALBA
"SPARKLEHORSE TRIBUTE NIGHT" @ THE JADE MONKEY / Friday September 24th 2010

Forgive me the bleedingly obvious when I state this.. but if ever there's one thing I've learnt above all else in writing this blog? it's that I don't know SHIT about music! HA HA HA duuude I don't know squat! I don't know nought, nada, nil, zilch, zip or even zero! In fact it blows my mind even now (or what little I have left of one) that so many of you "esteemed geniuses" of the musical profession happily dive into this exploding bag of faeces each week (proverbial or otherwise) for my so-called "informed opinion" on the subject when you know FULL WELL that I'm THIS retardingly ignorant to even a squeaking "brain fart" of it. But hey I DO possess a small measure of wit here, so maybe I shouldn't sell myself too short? maybe I'm the rarest of rare in "imbecile intellects"? maybe I'm an a-grade "idiot savant" to the Adelaide scene? maybe I'm a medium to a hundred fold monkeys tapping into the very spirit of Lester Bangs and Hunter S. through my laptop keyboard like a ouija and they're speaking to us even now!? or yeaaah maybe not. I mean pfft.. who are we kidding? not when my sum knowledge of either of them is through "Almost Famous" and the freaking film adaptation to "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas" (fuck maaan, I haven't even read Kerouac's "On The Road"? WHAT KINDA HAMFISTED HACK AM I!?). Nope all I DO know for certain is every week I attempt this shit, the more I explore and uncover of this Adelaide scene: this teeny tiny microcosm to the whole of musical expression, the less I seem to comprehend of it. I am verily its babbling infant. No more than that I am its fraud exposed! I stand slackjawed and drooling at the howling enormity of it all, and I just KNOW I shouldn't be the one to blog about it! I mean c'mon I don't know shit on music notation, scales, chords or the intricate math of time signatures. I don't know shit on pedals, pickups, amps or the A-Z of vintage guitars! I don't know shit on 60's garage, 70's prog, 80's italo disco or 90's post rock.. shit half the time I can't even string two words together to bluff my way out of it I'm THAT utterly incapable! (no really, don't get me started on this past week maaan.. it's been a fucking massacre!). No tonight I crawl into the Jade Monkey truly humbled and defeated, and I do so willingly laughing at the "sublime comedy" of it all: not just because I love digging my own grave for this blog.. but more to see just HOW I'm gonna claw my way out again!



And as for WHY I'm so wracked with "harrowing self doubt" here? (as much as I'm pissing myself laughing over the fact that I've gotten away with it for so long!?) that'd be because of THIS. Yup the Jade Monkey is hosting a "Sparklehorse Tribute Night" tonight, and I'm attending it despite the fact that I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SPARKLEHORSE!? "HA HA HA DUUUDE THAT'S AWESOME!!". Yup I'm as clueless as they come maaan! I'm the last one that should ever be writing about this shit (ask anyone!) and the ONLY reason I'm accepting it in the first place is so I can see just how much I can fuck it up and offend everyone in blogging about it!? YEAAAS!! Only that's not entirely true of course.. I also thought it'd be as good an opportunity as any to educate myself on the rarefied genius that is Sparklehorse (or at least that's what I'm assuming here.. as they DID get their own tribute night afterall). I totally didn't mind their latest album "Dark Night Of The Soul": as much as I picked it up last year merely on the merits of Dangermouse producing it, EMI refusing to publish it, all those guest appearances in everyone from Iggy Pop, Wayne Coyne to Julian Casablancas (to name but a few) with cover art provided by none other than David Lynch? (no really.. Sparklehorse WHO!?), shit I even put a call out 24 hours prior to this for peeps to recommend me their favourite album ("It's A Wonderful Life" apparently won out) so I could "study" up on it a full hour before the show tonight.. I mean it's never too late to discover new music riiight!? FUCK NO!! It's exactly WHY this pissyarse blog exists in the first place (short of all the gratuitous binge drinking of course). Except yeaaah.. as it turns out their lead singer Mark Linkous sadly took his own life on March 6th this year, and for all intents and purposes I'm here to blog his defacto funeral!? AWWWW CRAP!!



Yup I don't know about you duuude but I SUCK at funerals (even defacto ones) I am the worst! I don't know what to say, how to act, what to feel, hell I'm emotionally retarded at the best of times (need I provide proof!?) and funerals easily makes that 1000x more bleedingly apparent, in fact, fuck it! we might as well paint me head to toe iridescent orange and get me to hold up a giant neon flashing sign (with accompanying air horn) that boldly screams "I'M THE WORLD'S MOST INSENSITIVE JACKASS!!" every five minutes (especially in the quieter more reflective moments) just to nail that point home.. FUUUCK!! And you know what makes it even more spastically awesome? it's not even a funeral of someone I KNOW, let alone met, so I'm crashing in on someone else's heartfelt memorial with a camera in hand, standing out the front taking photos for a fucking blog!? "WOOOHAHaHAHahAHA LOOK AT ME, I'M ALL UP IN YO SHIT RUINING YOUR MOMENT!!". And yet, there's still a "warmth" here all the same that overcomes that apprehension, a golden hospitality that only the Jade Monkey can accomodate. I mean it's altogether fitting that the ONE live venue in Adelaide that I once saw host a wedding would also host a wake. And as extraterrestrial as I feel in standing here? I still feel more than welcome in taking part in it.. and with all these fairy lights, autumn hues and crackling feedback how could you not maaan!? it's a beautiful thing to behold!




As such the show is well attended, nowhere near capacity mind you but cozy all the same. It's wall to wall band geeks, transpotters young and old you'd half expect, but also casual passersby like myself. A mix between those who knew Mark Linkous, those who met him only in passing, those simply curious to see what all the fuss is about, and those wishing to supporting a worthy cause whilst doing so. It also appears many of them are as hilariously out of sorts as I am to be here (although perhaps for entirely different reasons). Case in point: one musician due to be on stage any minute now (who's name I won't mention) totally flubbing his attempt to inquire into his band's rider (with one of the fill in barstaff mind you.. as owner Zac Coligan is otherwise performing tonight). He's momentarily forgotten the name of his band (HA!). I helpfully correct him. Only for the complete stranger behind the bar to quip: "pfft.. as if I'm gonna believe anything Spoz says!". Aaaah the Jade Monkey, no matter what the circumstance? you always make me feel at home!



QUIET IN THE LAB! (n/a) myspace ::
Which brings us to our opening act tonight. And believe me they are shitting themselves silly to be here.. duuude are they ever! (like teeny tiny rabbit raisins all over the place!). And it's not like I can blame them, as they're hardly ALONE in this predicament either, I understand this tribute night is going be a tall order for just about anyone to do justice.. and as such? yeaaah these won't be the conventional live reviews in following; I mean I couldn't possibly do that to them maaan! IT'S A "FUNERAL" FERFUCKSAKE!! You won't be seeing any lamearse ratings here out of five, you won't be reading any shit kicking critique; especially not when I don't know a fucking thing on the band they're covering (AAAAHAHAHaHaHAhAHaHA oh I'm so screwed aren't I?). Nope it's probably best to think of these as "character studies" with the occassional pisstaking joke or twelve to colour them (I mean hell I gotta have my fun somehow riiight?) as I do my very best not to put my foot in my mouth in expressing just what it's like to be here first hand!? (hmmm so perhaps me using that "digging my own grave" joke in the beginning there wasn't the best move?). OOOOH IT'S GONNA BE AN ABSOLUTE RIOT!! And so with that in mind? yup heeere comes Quiet In The Lab! You may remember them from when they featured on this blog two weeks ago, and if not, feel free to read up on that (as it's probably one of the stupidest/drunkest reviews I've ever written if THAT'S any added incentive) and tonight's offering in fitting tribute? yeaaah it's perhaps a teeny tiny bit more "subdued". Instead of the usual hammering pop punk meets 90's grunge pastiche with a shitload of shouting choruses and guitar hooks? they go for a more weatherbeaten fuzz folk feel rendered "rough around the edges". Both Dougie Arnott on lead vocal and Andrew Cuffley on guitar thrash out their acoustics fed through a shitload of reverb and distortion (with Dougie singing like lightly sifted sand to counterbalance). Jayne Arnott has opted for a tambourine and drumstick combo (partly because "she couldn't be arsed learning the bass parts", but mostly because she's been hit with a nasty bout of laryngitis so you kinda understand why) while Joel Derham is pretty much "business as usual" on the drums; but admittedly I'm only saying that because I wasn't really paying attention at the time.. ooops! (seriously it's hard enough getting a photo of him when he's hidden away in the dark like that!). They perform a lightning quick set. The first song I didn't quite catch the name of (as I was taking photos of everyone but Joel on drums at the time). The second one I DID it was "Everytime I'm With You" but perhaps only because they jokingly dedicated it to me (and if you read up on the drunken lyrics it'll make perfect sense why.. weeee!). With the third "Eyepennies" captured on video (featuring Sarah Masters from Hawks Of Alba on guest vocals) which is just as well as it was their last song. Hmmm. And as much as I should've been swept up in the performance as a whole? (because it definitely had its moments) what I remember most was this ridiculous rock move Dougie pulled yanking his arm in the air playing guitar that made it look like he was sniffing his armpit every thirty seconds. And as much as I admit that's not the best mental image to leave you with!? aaaah fuck it.. it still kept me retardingly amused all the same!








BEN REVI ALL-STAR REVIVAL BAND (n/a) myspace / myspace / myspa..? ::
Which brings us to our second act, who play an equally rapid fire set as the first (I would've estimated it at say 15-20 minutes tops?) only that much more dizzying in scope; especially in regards to their idiotically eclectic lineup. You see originally they were billed on all the associated promo as "Cheer Advisory Council": the idea being that their lead singer Ben Revi would front the stage with as many members of the band he could find "who weren't busy at the time"; and with anywhere upto six to choose from (not including himself) it's not like he was short on options here. Except as it turns out every one of them WERE busy at the time.. doing exactly what, I'm not entirely too sure (although I'd wager it was everything from forming human pyramids with erstwhile members of We Grow Up to braiding each others' hair). And so at a pinch? Ben and various other musicians who WEREN'T busy at the time simply formed a "rotating roster" of last minute ring-ins instead: many of whom already performing in other bands tonight (with others members brought in especially) to form this all-star clusterfuck we see here before us. One that features everyone from Ben Campbell and Matthew Hill (from Ambush Marketing) on guitar and keys, Sarah Masters and Aidan Moyse (from Hawks Of Alba) on drums and backing vocals, Seb Tonkin (from Adelaide Youth Orchestra) on cello with extra special guest appearances by Dougie Arnott (from Quiet In The Lab!) on drums and Hugh Langlands-Bell (from who the fuck knows where?) on keys, swapping with previous members wherever appropriate *PHEW*. Better yet, since it was a totally ad hoc affair (to put it mildly) short of one-off jam sessions with both Dougie and Hugh individually in the past week or so, NONE of them had rehearsed this shit prior to tonight. And just to make matters worse, they didn't even have a name for this shit? so what you see here as a "title" is simply me cooking up something fartarse retarded on a ridiculous whim in effort describe it!? (and if it helps I totally passed this by Ben.. Revi not Campbell, on Sunday night and he seemed perfectly ok with it?). "HA HA HA WOWWW!! did six thousand pink and purple leprechauns just explode out of my forehead, OR AM I HAVING A STROKE!?". Yes.. yes I know (as much as I enjoying the fact that I get to blow over half of this "write-up" attempting to explain it all) it's totally beyond the point of fucked up. And yet in spite of this chaos (again putting that mildly!) it still works out masterfully in the end. And by "works out masterfully" I pretty much mean like every OTHER Cheer Advisory Council show you've ever seen where seven band members swap instruments in almost every other song, only now they're performing Sparklehorse covers while you thrash and flail uncontrollably on the floor in a puddle of your own foaming drool; and yes that IS a compliment.. or at least I think it is? (as I've since lost all sensation to the left side of my face). And as such they play maybe three, four or five songs.. or fuck it, let's just say they did fifty and exploded in a shower of confetti at the end, but at the very least the two I'm AWARE of go by the names of "Piano Fire" (which I got on video) and "Getting It Wrong" with Hugh on keys. And in each, each of the band members add their own unique quirks too: the most memorable of which being guitarist Ben Campbell who pulled this wacky "Jonny Greenwood" shit in the first song with what looked like a Kaos Pad (but could've just as easily been a medical tricorder from original series Star Trek) SHIT YEAAAH!! And in case you're wondering WHY all this seems slightly more "informative" than the hack job I cooked up for Quiet In The Lab!? (pfft.. let's see YOU do better with only a 15 minutes of a set to play with!) that would be thanks to Ben Revi feeding me most of this information on Monday morning (no seriously duuude you're a freaking legend!) which is just as well, because in all the time where I wasn't running back and forth like a fucking madman attempting to capture all this insanity on camera I was mostly imagining Ben Revi's afro as the phases of the moon, only to then imagine him eclipsing the sun sending an entire Pre-Columbian civilisation screaming in panic, and then my mind just went blank. In fact I'm almost dead certain I heard my own brain fart inside of my skull just now in writing all that (mmm smells like lambs fry too.. wait that can't be right!?) or on second thoughts? yeaaah just watch that video and I'm sure you'll get the general gist. Awesome huh!?











20TH CENTURY GRADUATES (DUET) (n/a) myspace ::
Which brings us by no small measure of relief to our third act, because check it out duuudes: there's only two of them!? "WHOAAA FUCKING FUCK FUCK!! ALL MY DREAMS HAVE FINALLY COME TRUE!!".. although in some ways (ie: beyond the simple joy of seeing two people singing on stage with acoustic guitars) they're no less a ridiculously ad hoc in origin than the "band" that preceded them (read: waking nightmare in screaming logistics that'll be sure to haunt my dreams in months to come.. eeeee!). You see according to THEIR original plan they were hoping to get the entire band to appear on stage tonight. Only as these things generally turn out, ie: usually AFTER a week of the most horrific writer's block I've ever experienced in living memory (only to be followed by a week where I thought it'd be hilarious to detox from caffeine to counteract it!? HA HA HA fuck I'm a genius!) many of those same band members had to pull out tonight!? "AWWW CRAP!!". Yup, both Jeremy Lake and Jon Wignall on drums and bass were off "running" a live show at The Light (see accompanying video for likely outcome). Alex Ciaravolo on guitar was "busily mixing" at The Ed Castle for Transmission Live (as much as that usually involves a rock suspending on a length of string and a cardboard cutout of Adam Brody while he's off snoozing in a broom closet). Andrew Marshall on trumpet was off holidaying overseas (I think he's in Vienna now? aaaah who the fuck knows!?). While Katey Sutcliffe has been spending most of the past few weeks furiously scrubbing out her french horn with industrial strength cleaner after Jon Wignall accidently mistook it for a "chamber pot" that one time (yeaaah I know, he occassionally believes he's living IN the 19th Century.. it's a private school thing) and thus was otherwise "unavailable" to play tonight (or at least if all the screaming obscenities they heard down the phone line was anything to go by). Which thus leaves the two of them: Larissa Perry and Alister Douglas to form an acoustic duet instead. And I must say: as much as none of these writeups should be considered "live reviews" in any way shape or form, out of the first three acts playing here tonight? they're definitely the most hauntingly affecting. I mean that first song? I don't know the name of it exactly ("Sad & Beautiful World" maybe?) but when Larissa starts singing it in that teeny tiny canary voice of hers? oh it's enough to make a polar bear burst into tears, it's like watching a kitten being drowned in a puddle over and over, it's the most heart wrenchingly harrowing, curiously American accented ode to terminal woe you'll ever damn near hear! (as much as it ISN'T an American accent at all, and I'm clearly just tripping balls from whatever Ben Campbell was playing in that previous set). And even stranger still? is when Alister joins in on that too. I mean shit.. WHO KNEW HE COULD EVEN SING!? And yet they take turns doing just that, sometimes they even sing together. And I swear his tone is so paper thin and fragile, with a oscillating quaver to match: it's like every one of your hopes and dreams being shattered in the knee caps with a mallet. YES.. I KNOW!! Quite like the two acts before them it's only a short set too: maybe 15-20 minutes / 3-4 songs tops. "Sad & Beautiful World" to start with, "Gasoline Horseys" somewhere near the end, and that one song where Larissa swaps over from guitar to glockenspiel somewhere in the middle (because clearly it's not enough to make us FEEL like an entire puppy farm just got incinerated in front of our very eyes, they gotta throw in the entire cast of Bambi too!). And I swear, if you didn't choke up like the world's smallest violin was caught in your eye? (playing a teeny tiny tune just for YOU) by the end of it? then surely you had a heart of stone.. A HEART OF STONE!! *sniff* so.. so simple, yet so brutally effective!










HAWKS OF ALBA (n/a) myspace ::
Now before we dive into our fourth act here? I figured a little sidebar might be in order; as much as it won't be "little" at all and I'll merely be using it as an excuse to pad out what would otherwise be an exceptionally truncated writeup (thanks to me blowing all 15 minutes of their set trying to take photos of their drummer Aidan Moyse in the dark!? GUH! DAMNIT!!). You see from what little I've gathered about Sparklehorse as a band (mostly from listening to all of what, two albums? and one just an hour prior to the show.. ooops!) I've figured them as a mixture of.. oh I dunno: a slower mellower version of The Eels? a little Dinosaur Jr? maybe a teeny tiny bit of Blind Melon at a total stretch!? (as much as I've hardly listened to their shit either). Or yeaah you know: very much that languid mid 90's slacker, occassionally fuzzed out, "bittersweet melancholy" feel, that's ideal for wallowing in when you're having one of those existential "end of the world" head implosions at 4AM (which I pretty much experience every week attempting to write this stupidarse blog.. WAHOOO!!). I mean hell I might be totally wrong here, this is only an initial impression, and I DO rather like what I hear; but that's what I'm getting so far. As such I'm finding it fascinating tonight, especially in hindsight (ie: when I actually know slightly more on what the fuck I'm talking about), to see just how each of these bands have interpretted it. Quiet In The Lab! for one, appear to have opted for the "world weary" approach: like punk rockers coming out the other end of rehab, acoustic guitars at the ready. Ben Revi (and whatever-the-fuck you want to call his band tonight) has gone the near ridiculous approach in riotous misery; in fact I'm starting to feel like none of his live performances are ever quite complete these days without a wacky Greek chorus in accompaniment "gnashing and wailing" (and hell, would we have this any other way!?). 20th Century Graduates (as a duet) have gone the OTHER extreme, distilling it down to its very emotional essence so we'll feel every note of it rather like a knife cutting through an onion. While Hawks Of Alba here? well for all intents and purposes they pretty much sound JUST like Hawks Of Alba. No seriously, it's the weirdest thing. Granted all their songs ARE Sparklehorse covers: and they're playing it just that little more darker, heavier, grittier than normal. And getting Zac Coligan (Jade Monkey proprieter and singer from The Sea Thieves) up on stage as a special appearance is a nice touch (and yes we'll be seeing him again in the headlining act). And he does lend quite a bit in added glockenspiel and an especially novel turn tweaking the radio dial to introduce the song "Happy Man" (I got it on video too so you don't just have to take my word on it). But other than that? yeaaah it's pretty much Hawks Of Alba. They pull that same audience tactic where lead singer Sarah Masters attempts to draw everyone close to the stage around them, every one of their covers is punch drunk in accentuating the indie pop sensibilities, it has you bouncing around the room giddy as fuck to all of Hannah Fairlamb's hammering 90's guitar riffs. I mean shit duuude.. it's Hawks Of (freaking) Alba! And don't get me wrong, this ain't criticism here; far from it! I dig the fun loving fuck out of their shit and it's doing wonders again tonight, it's just an observation. I mean I distinctly recall the last time they played a cover (Magic Dirt back in July?) and yup same thing happened.. it sounded JUST LIKE THEM!! And I'm starting to wonder if they can pull this same stunt with ANY song that's thrown their way: Bjork? Brian Eno? Iron Maiden? Public Enemy? Aphex Twin!? (seriously, imagine for a moment if they did "Come To Daddy"? HA HA HA DUUUDE!! IT'D BE HILARIOUS!!). But beyond all that nonsense, if there's one thing they did bring to this show above all else? it was a sense of "togetherness". Like the band, the crowd, everyone around me huddled for a "group hug" and for a moment life didn't seem all that bad? Sounds cheesy I know, but with a tribute show like this.. it was just the ticket!










ALARM BIRDS & THE SEA THIEVES (n/a) myspace / myspace ::
Which brings us to our headlining act tonight. A collaborative effort between two members of the Alarm Birds (from Melbourne) and one member from The Sea Thieves (from behind the bar here where he usually works). Or in other words: Jed Palmer on guitar and Zoe Barry on cello from the former, with Zac Coligan on a whimsical array of toy pianos and singing saws from the latter (as much as it technically also counts as a Bergerac reunion as they all used to be in the same band, go figure?). As well as gathering numerous musicians from OTHER Adelaide bands: Tom Spall on violin and guitar from Cortez, Justin Hermes on bass from Diplomat, Aidan Moyse on drums from Hawks Of Alba (in his third stage appearance tonight) and some miscellaneous bearded goon on keys from who the fuck knows where!? (but I'd almost hazard a guess he's Warren Ellis's second cousin escaped from one of Nick Cave's lesser known side projects). And as much as that SOUNDS like an exploding head fuck very much in line with what Ben Revi achieved earlier tonight (seriously it still blows my mind that he managed to pull that off at the very last minute!), this whatever-the-fuck you'd want to call it tonight actually comes off that much more relaxed in demeanor. For one they have an "extended" eight song setlist to play with (and yes that IS the sound of me breathing an audible sigh of relief) and secondly they've had that much more time to prepare it. In fact I dare say this was nothing short of the most brilliantly orchestrated "happy accident" you could ever hope to see burst spontaneously into being on a live stage since The Crying Game debuted at Format Festival back in March (minus all the bruised ribs and shattered glass of course) and again this ISN'T meant to be a live review, it's a "character study" but wow is there an overbundance of it on stage right now! Beginning with a cover of "It's A Wonderful Life" Zac arrives on stage solo and fires up this bizarre keyboard contraption called an Optigan. According to what he tells us (and information I've since gleaned from wikipedia) they were created in the late 60's by toy company Mattel, used a series of optical discs (kinda like oversized see-through vinyls) to store sounds, reading those sounds with a beam of light and then you played them like a piano; or kinda like an oldskool electronic organ (only much much weirder). And as much as most of that seems utterly insane? the result very much speaks for itself as Zac cooks up a crackly old ditty, rich in character (authentic to the original) that feels very much like what it'd be to bask at a fireplace made of music (and no less inviting). The rest of the band arrives on stage for the following song "Gold Day", perform a softer than soft rendition of "Revenge" (which very much shines on the soothing country style harmonies between Jed and Zoe) and in each subsequent song, from "Little Fat Baby", "Sea Of Teeth", "More Yellow Birds" to "Apple Bed" they simply keep swapping about more and more quirky instruments and whimsical effects so there's barely a dull moment in between. From Tom Spall's violin, to Zac's singing saw, to the creaky old keyboard "Bearded Goon" played with effortless nonchalance it's a veritable smorgasbord no matter which angle you approached it from. But in saying that I've still left out their best song, their grand finale in "Pig". Featuring a blaring sampler, Zac on megaphone, shredding guitars tuned to brutal levels of chunking distortion and each and every one of them wailing in unison like a feral cat choir? I mean I'd never heard the original, but this was easily worth the price of admission alone! Yup all in all it was equally as chaotically cathartic and blissfully shambolic as it was ridiculously self indulgent (considering most of the band here either works at the Jade Monkey or used to play in Zac's band) but you could easily forgive them for that.. especially when they included us so readily in their creative output. And in the end? surely both lifelong fans and newcomers alike would've left this headlining set equally inspired; in fact I might go hunt me up more of their music now.. any recommendations?














1:42AM - With the bands all finished for the night (a little over an hour ago in fact) everyone continued to celebrate the life and times of Mark Linkous, sharing in their collective memory of Sparklehorse, what they'd meant to them as a band over the years: all the songs, the anecdotes, the endless well of inspiration that continues to drive them even now as musicians or just in their daily lives; some even on the verge of tears in relating their personal connections they were that overcome by the emotion of it all. And shit how could they not maaan? Sparklehorse! FUUUCK!! All that bittersweet sadness, all that rich whimsy, all that joy, that harrowing beauty rendered in every word, in every note.. or yeaaah at least I'm guessing. As it turns out I was off in the back of the room at the time: spread eagled on a couch, beer in hand deleting dud photos off my camera like I didn't have a care in the world; like I was some kinda mental patient. YAHOOOO!! I mean what do I know about ANY of this shit!? sweet F-A that's what! I'm probably embarassed myself enough as it with my retarding presence, let alone writing a fucking blog about it! Oh I can see it now: all the angry comments, all the details I greviously omitted, all the grammatical errors, and that joke about Katey's french horn being used as a chamber pot? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!? Yes I know! I couldn't apologise more! did I mention I totally suck at funerals? OF COURSE I DO!! and THIS just reinforces that shit! I should hang my head in shame. And worse still? I can't even find a proper photo to symbolise all that sentiment either and have instead resorted to using THIS idiotic shot of the "loading zone" sign outside!? hmmm yup.. the sooner I get outta here, THE BETTER!



1:51AM - Thankfully I already had a subsequent plan in mind. It's the same "plan" I always have in mind at this time of night: and that's to drink myself so rubbishingly shitfaced out of my mind I don't even remember what the plan was in the first place (because let's face it.. it pretty much achieves the same goal anyway!). Better yet I even had the luxurious "five star location" to do it in.. but before I got there? I needed to swing by this notorious "human shitstain" that I swear ISN'T The Crown & Anchor (yeaaah ok I'm obviously lying) to pick up some human "collateral". And all of it completely unrelated to the fact that Simone (photo bombing in the background there) might have spammed my phone 50 billion times in the past half hour hoping I'd eventually show up? Nope in actual fact, it had more to do with the beer she shouted me fifteen minutes ago to speed me along my way.. FIFTEEN MINUTES!? sheeeiiit it's like I can't even do THAT right tonight!



2:13AM - Of course when I mentioned we were going to The Light next they all gave me a weird look: the same weird look you give someone when they tell you "no really I can't wait to hear the new Kings Of Leon.. I reckon it'll be album of the year!". Only for me to reassure them that no, it was upstairs I was talking about NOT downstairs (ie: where people get murdered, raped, eaten, falated by squirrels.. and much MUCH worse!) and after much debate, a few stiff drinks and a taxi trip later? yup heeere we are! And I know it doesn't look like much? but trust me: give it 5-10 tops and this shit's gonna be crawling with riot police, paramedics and the RSPCA.. JUST YOU WATCH!!



2:14AM - Now obviously we didn't want to stick around for that shit (seriously.. less said about those squirrels the better!) except it took a considerable effort convincing my entourage of that: as they were suddenly more fascinated with this poster framed in front of them (hmmm yup, I truly do have the most hilariously fucked up friends don't I?). Still you can hardly blame them really; as it DID rather neatly illustrate the real reason why I wanted to risk life, limb (and the gnawing of my nuts by oversized rodents) to be here.. and that was in the off chance I might catch The Honey Pies headline a show: "they're just like seeing The Libertines: minus all the cocaine addiction and infighting!? WOWEEEE!!". Better yet I was even told by the organisers that they were starting it late to cater to all the people who would've gone to the Sparklehorse tribute instead (hey that's me!). And with all those $5 pints they're serving on tap (no really, they're still doing those riiight?) HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY GO WRONG!? But no.. no, let's all just loiter around outside and squish up against the poster some more! try licking the crown too, I'm told it totally tastes like peppermint!



2:27AM - Eventually I did manage to drag everyone upstairs; no mean feat mind you as Simone couldn't get nearly enough of that Helvetica typeface.. or was it Arial? (and shit wouldn't you!? it's ever so angular!) only to discover that the show had already finished over half an hour ago. Hmmm yup, apparently they must have panicked and started it earlier than originally expected (as The Honey Pies were originally due to hit the stage at 2AM) and from the looks of the doorlist here? I must have missed one helluva fucked up show too! JUST LOOK AT ALL THOSE DOODLES!!



2:35AM - Even so, there was still plenty to "entertain" us once we got here.. the least of which being this awesome life sized wax replica of Matt Hills they had on display by the mixing desk. Turns out the real one spontaneously combusted hours earlier after fighting a losing battle with the PA system all night (ie: it was cutting out all the sound from the right side house speakers and no amount of clear headed logic, reasoning, or banging two rocks together would rectify it) and they simply wheeled this one out of the store room instead (and doesn't it look "happy" to be here too?). And of course.. as you DO in situations like these me and Simone just had to get a photo with it, only to follow that up by seeing how many pint glasses we could balance on its head whilst simultaneously wedging fifty odd drinking straws up its nose. Aaaah never a dull moment I swear!



2:59AM - And then there was the real highlight of the evening here at The Light: as we kicked back in our comfy couches, drinks in hand (mine was an alcoholic cider.. got it for free too, cheers guys!) and watched Jon Wignall amaze us all with his wildly flailing pantomime act; and hey if we're really lucky he might even bust out the balloon animals too? Or at least that's what I originally assumed, until I realised he was actually trying to tell us that they were closing up in a few minutes and we had to leave. "But.. but, isn't this place totally licensed till 5AM!?". Yes that would normally be the case here, if only it weren't for the "weird homeless guy" urinating on the floor downstairs scaring away all the patrons for the past half hour. And considering I'd hardly been drinking upto this point.. for once they weren't referring to me!? SHIT YEAAAH!! things are starting to look up!



3:20AM - Next stop Supermild, well pfft.. obviously! And as much as this would normally register little more than a passing footnote (with accompanying lame justifying punchline) as I bluff my way past the lineup, downstairs and to the bar to drink myself into oblivion.. yeaaah turns out they've recently changed bouncers. So instead of that "much beloved" bespectacled dweeb in his mid 50's - 60's who always looks like he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown as he ushers you through with barely a cough or a sneeze at the entrance.. here we are waiting in line like all those other losers WHO DON'T HAVE AN OBSCENELY POPULAR ADELAIDE "BINGE DRINKING BLOG" TO THEIR NAME!? GUH! DAMNIT!! Still for what it's worth here it was only like five minutes waiting anyways (shit.. barely even noticed the time!) so let's just forget I made that hysterical outburst shall we?



4:08AM - Now admittedly it's been a bit of an "off" night for me.. dunno if you've noticed (all glaring evidence to the contrary notwithstanding). Most of it is thanks to me spending all of this week preceding clawing my through some monumentally horrendous writer's block. Followed up by me thinking it hilarious to hit up that Sparklehorse tribute show tonight knowing full well it'd bury me in a mammoth "five band" writeup the following week (well I DO like a challenge!) on a band I knew nothing about and did I mention I totally suck at funerals!? (all things considered though it was an awesome show). Better yet I'm still not nearly drunk enough and all the teeny tiny things I'd usually find endlessly amusing any other night are pissing me off to no end. Or in other words? yeaaah I really could learn a thing from my fuckup friends here who are having the absolute time of their lives. I mean it beats me why (well ok, it's obvious.. they're DRUNK!) but aren't they an inspiration? seriously they could make motivational posters out of this or something.. FUUUCK!!



4:12AM - And then there's Todd. "Todd.. who!?" aaaah who the fuck cares! What's important is that this man is a genius.. A GENIUS!! He is nothing less than a guru, a sensei, a fuck off ninja elite operating five planes of existence above that which we could only but imagine with our minds (no really.. why are you looking at me like that? HE'S A FREAKING JEDI MASTER FERFUCKSAKE!!). And do you wanna know why!? HA HA HA of course you don't! but I'm still gonna tell you anyways!



4:14AM - You see Todd has only one clear and simple goal tonight, at least in regards to me standing here with a camera just now: and that's to be photographed with as many members of Children Collide as possible (yeaaah turns out they played The Governor Hindmarsh tonight and neither of us thought to go?) and because we never doubted his near supernatural abilities for making this shit happen, not even for a second? here he is with singer/guitarist Johnny Mackay (who according to wikipedia is also mad proficient "on the tambourine, woodblock, and triangle").



Here's me and Simone mad bombing that shit, because hell.. who wouldn't!?



4:24AM - And here he is with bassist Heath Crawley: who appears to have shrunken to the size of a hobbit and isn't all that happy about it (either that or one of us has just told him that NO there will be no Christmas this year and he won't be getting that BMX bike anytime too soon). Oh and for the record we never did find their drummer Ryan Caesar.. turns out he saw what we were upto, shattered a window near the dancefloor, jumped into a waiting taxi and fled the fuck out of there (also we did shoot a second photo where Heath didn't look nearly as much like he was gonna murder our friends and family for putting him upto this.. but I've since "accidently" deleted it off my camera on the grounds that this photo was that much funnier). Still how much of a freaking legend is Todd? HA HA HA no shit! he so wins at life right now, I totally wanna shoot him dead, pop his skull with a can opener and eat up his brains in the hopes I'll absorb his powers.. WOOOO!!



5:06AM - Which by no apparent segue whatsoever brings us to THIS. This is the band Tea. Or at least I think it is..? I've never seen them before, I've almost never HEARD of them before, in fact good luck finding anything on them through all that google, myspace, facebook, youtube, twitter, wikipedia whatever-the-fuck; for all intents and purposes they truly are an "unknown quantity". Oh except for the shadowy figure in the middle, he's Dave Blumberg (just as I assume the one on the left is his ventriloquist dummy and the one on the right is his handler for the CIA). And the reason why I'm mentioning all this shit now? well.. it might be because they played a gig for Transmission Live earlier tonight at The Ed Castle and whadya know I totally missed it!? SHIT YEAAAS!! I'm so totally in the loop right now, it's become a möbius strip and I've just crawled up into my own arse!



5:09AM - Or in other words? I believe THIS photo rather neatly sums it up just how utterly clueless I'm feeling right about now.. to well just about anything really: I am not of your species, I know not your customs, your culture and the sooner I take that spaceship back home? the better!



Yup I truly am the most retarded person alive, I'm as dumb as can be! I know that now.. duuude it couldn't be more obvious! all the glaring evidence tonight and every other night in my "recorded history" is mounting against me and it's only getting worse! Every week I stumble upon another band, another artist I should've known about a whole lifetime ago. EVERY WEEK!! Sparklehorse!? sheeeiit.. that's only the tip of the iceberg! And to think the more I see of this Adelaide scene, the more I document of it, the less I seem to know about that too? it's hilarious! I mean I used to think I was well versed in this shit! but in reality I'm nothing but its village idiot, it's proverbial Jar Jar Binks, it's butt of all jokes blinking like a retarded goldfish into the exploding infinite! And I laugh and I laugh all the more thinking that anybody would ever take this shit seriously when I'm barely scratching the surface! "Music what? pfft.. WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW ABOUT MUSIC!?". But still.. no matter how much I continue to embarass myself here? I'll perservere. For everywhere I look, there's always something shiny and new to uncover: all this music and madness that should never be lost or forgotten; and for that.. I'll gladly make a dick of myself in riotous celebration!

Previously on Spoz's Rant: Taught By Animals + Like Leaves + Friends

:: Spoz 2:34 PM |
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