The Adelaide scene: to many of you it may be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctional splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
"I WASN'T HERE AND THIS NEVER HAPPENED.." AKA: SPOZ'S LOST WEEKEND / March 5th - March 7th 2010
Right, so two things I should state for the record here before we proceeding any further. Firstly it IS entirely possible to cure a common cold by drinking yourself blind. And not only that but it's also possible (although not "scientifically proven") to cure a common cold by depriving yourself of a lot of sleep (or maybe even NO sleep at all!). Or better yet? you can totally thrash about like a wild dickhead, wilfully kill yourself by every means imagineable, dive screaming off a bridge, and you'll still be cured in next to no time.. YEAAAS!! And I'm not even kidding, IT TOTALLY WORKS!! I DID IT FOR FIVE NIGHTS IN A ROW, AND I'M FREAKING UNKILLABLE!! or *cough* maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just ME, maybe I'm a vampire, or a wereworlf, or an extraterrestrial. Maybe your yellow sun is so much more powerful than my red sun, or maybe any minute now all my internal organs will piss out of my eyesockets and I'm already dead.. FUCK! wait.. what am I even talking about? DON'T DO WHAT I DO! Especially not if you're still in high school! Seriously, what are you kidding me? are you crazy!? STAY IN SCHOOL!! study hard! make something of your life! DON'T LISTEN TO MEEE, FUUUCK!! (still it was pretty schweet all the same: like two days after "Twee-Fest"? virus totally went bye bye like it never happened.. HOW FUCKING BADASS AM I!?). Secondly.. wait, what? Oh yeah! Secondly I had no intentions of writing a blog for this week; especially after LAST WEEK. As far as I was concerned the entire Adelaide scene had been reduced to an "iphone", it'd been ringing off the hook all week, I "accidently" flushed it Friday, it doesn't work anymore, I took it back to the manufacturer and they said "give it six to eight weeks".. GOOD RIDDANCE!! Except here I am in "Kentucky Fried Mouse" all a sudden, wolfing down a regurgitated whatever-the-fuck (see..? totally unkillable!) and a thought occurs to me. So I pull out my camera and I start taking photos, and then I start laughing. And then I start taking MORE photos and I'm laughing EVEN LOUDER. And sure I don't know quite what to make of it yet.. but I like where it's leading me!
Aaaah look at this mash potato! Isn't that the most appetising, gurgling pile of.. no wait, what IS that? those little black specs swimming about in there!? are they meant to be ground pepper? are they cockroach eggs? does someone in the kitchen have "the black lung"? did they sneeze in it? is it asbestos? is THAT one of the "eleven secret herbs and spices"!? I wonder how adhesive it'd be? like if I threw it up on the ceiling, would it stay there? I mean they've already given me a spoon, it'd be a shame not to test it out? and why DO they give us this AND the chips in the same meal? isn't that like too much potato in one? I mean I'm no Jerry Seinfeld here but that's a little nuts!
Mmmm half eaten chicken wing made out to look like a teeny tiny "drumstick". Yeaaah I know it's kinda nasty looking and I don't even know why I'm taking a photo of it now (and it's also kinda counterintuitive to make a chicken wing look like teeny tiny drumstick, when you can simply get a smaller chicken) but you still gotta appreciate a good "shallow depth of field" when you see one. No really, check it out: on the left up close? totally in focus! a little further away to the right? totally blurry! Maaan I tell you what, but sometimes dumb shit like THIS just completely blows my mind!
Now that's what I call an impressive pile of garbage! Sure it's not nearly as impressive as anything you'd find in say: the Tate Gallery in London, or swimming about in Mickey D's on Hindley, let alone coughed up in Hepatitis J's on Pultney (Joe Blogs you ARE the undisputed master!) but I'm still wicked chuffed all the same. Oh yeaaah this is my Bachelor Of Visual Arts doing me proud!
Yup and as I was photographing this receit just now, it suddenly occured to me: not only had I lost my fucking mind.. but THIS right here would be the subject of this week's blog. Yup it's the blog I write when I'm not writing a blog, it's the blog that got away.. WELCOME TO MY LOST WEEKEND!
FRIDAY MARCH 5TH 2010 - Moments later I walk outside to discover not only is it Friday night and I'm in Rundle Mall (ok, so I already knew that) but it's also rained in my absence. I mean no shit, it's almost as if someone had flicked the "seasonal switch", it was now winter, and somewhere way waaay off in the distance thousands of revellers were caught completely unaware and screaming for cover at the Garden Of Unearthly Delights.. AAAAHAhAHahAHA! I know I couldn't help but laugh at that too! That Mother Nature truly has a warped sense of humour, doesn't she?
8:59PM - Obviously I didn't have any plans tonight (what? and my introduction didn't already make that abundantly clear!?). Of course there were still a billion things on I COULD make plans with, in about a billion different locations, not least of which WOMADelaide in Botanic Park: host to about a billion world music acts ALL screaming for my attention in a billion different ways. But I still had no plans, save for a vague easterly direction, a quiet corner of The Exeter, and a copy of Rip It Up Magazine: quite possibly the BEST street press in Adelaide.. except for all the other ones.
9:19PM - At some point I figured I might want to go see a movie, not at all coincidental to the fact that I might have been at The Exeter, and it was just "next door" to the Palace/Nova Cinema, and that a movie I might want to go see like say THIS one here, might be showing in the next few minutes.. or more accurately WAS showing at 9:15 and I was already running late. Aaaah I know it's crazy how everything just goes to plan sometimes isn't it? Wait.. "plan"? pfft.. WHAT PLAN!?
9:22PM - Of course no trip to the movies would ever be complete without overpriced cinema snacks. I mean fuck, how could you possibly go wrong with shit like THIS!? And in case you were curious: most times I go for the Dark FruChocs, occassionally I go for the Maltesers or Skittles, but tonight just because I'm being all "head explodingly nuts" I figured I'd bust out with the Pods. OH YEAAAH.. you're SO glad you tuned into Spoz's Rant this week aren't you!? BEST. BLOG. EVER!!
10:51PM - This is me leaving "Cinema 05" approximately ninety minutes later. The credits have already rolled, everyone's walking out, and yet according to the ticket I still have eighteen minutes left. "Huh.. what!?". Yup this may begin to explain why I missed a considerable part at the start. You see at the time I thought I was simply running late taking all these stupidarse photos. But now that I think about it, they USUALLY give us at least ten minutes of adverts to play with.. so what gives!? Or in other words if anyone's SEEN "Men Who Stare At Goats" and can remember just what the fuck happened before that scene where the reporter guy (Ewan McGregor) goes to see that other guy about the hamsters (you'll know it if you've seen it) can you give me a quick summary? Suuure I could just download the fucking thing, but that'd kinda defeat the purpose of me paying $16 to go see wouldn't it!? Hmmm, it's as if I'm trying to make a point here. And no Palace/Nova I don't want to make that point; you serve beer, you're MY kind of cinema damnit!
10:53PM - Doing my best to forget all that nonsense (no shit.. the bit about the hamsters STILL bugs the crap out of me!) I figured I'd return to The Exeter. Along the way (not too far from where I'm standing right now in fact) some "random guy" spots me, points in my direction and goes: "hey you're Spoz, I read your blog!" like he's just made the most awesome discovery of the night, or quite possibly SECOND after that puddle of vomit he saw earlier tonight that looked like Boba Fett (be sure to look it up on eBay sometime.. it's truly something!). Either way, considering I didn't have an intelligent response at the time, I simply gave him a thumbs up: universal sign for "please don't harvest my kidneys.. I'm a raging alcoholic!" and made a quick exit out of there.
10:59PM - This is beer: clearly the highlight of my night. How it beads with condensation on the glass, how it leaves that whisper trail of foam when you swirl it, how it tingles my throat with frost: so crisp, so full bodied, so flavoursome.. oh such sweet symphony could be made from this beer!
11:06PM - THIS however clearly has no business being here.
11:50PM - With a good forty minutes of my night "rudely interrupted" by Steering By Stars (weird how that always happens to me!?) I leave The Exeter "post haste" for my bus stop, but not before spotting this hastily built shanty town in Rundle Street. I pause for a moment's silence, considering all the smurfs, gnomes, pixies, dwarfs and umpa lumpa's cruely cut down by the recent global financial crisis.. *sniff* "there's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for these brave souls now!", briefly consider tossing a few spare coins their way, only to realise just how much collateral damage this might cause to all their teeny tiny homes, shopping malls, kindergartens, schools and adult book stores (that Papa Smurf's a bandit for porn!) only to catch my bus home instead.
12:31AM - "Key goes into lock.. lock opens door!". Of course I should point out this ISN'T my door, it isn't my house, in fact I'm pretty dead certain it isn't even my street or my suburb. Obviously I have no need for ANY of these things: I'm like Kung Fu, I'm an army without borders, and I'm merely using this "skeleton key" here to pick up some groceries.. and by "groceries" I totally mean goon (and maybe some of those Kraft cheese slices in the plastic cling wrap!? OOOOH!! seriously ever since I wrote that last blog I've been craving them bastards like crazy!).
1:22AM - After returning home, as in my real home (which as we all know is merely a cardboard box wherever there's a wi-fi hotspot to steal) I go about the tiresome task of dealing with the billion and one blogs I've yet to write from last week. I believe this one right here might have been Thursday night's episode in the making (a totally genius read too if you haven't already!). And yes I AM spelling out the word "fuck" with my fingers, because YES I really am being THAT clever (suuure I could've just made it an "easter egg" instead.. but really? who's ever gonna know!?).
3:02AM - No late night blogging session would ever be complete without a mad dose Mi Goreng. Now I'm not saying this IS an advertisement or anything (in fact has anyone else noticed how much product placement is appearing in this episode!? sheeeesh!) I just can't get enough of it! No really, I actually bulk buy this garbage now from that Chinese supermarket in Central Markets: $12.90 for a fuck off box of 40? oooh it's SO damn choice it practically makes my nipples ping!
7:07AM - At long last another blog episode is let loose upon the world, and now I can rest easy here knowing there's only three more left to go until I've finally "caught up".. AAAUGGGHHH FUCK!!
SATURDAY MARCH 6TH 2010 - Hmmm it appears my decision to not "blog" this week has caused quite a stir amongst the Adelaide scene (aaaah I know, that Matt Hayward always has the most patient and forgiving demeanor doesn't he!?). Instead I'm still here at home, "frantically" writing up Friday's episode from last week: Behind The Scenes At Hillside Studios, pulling my hair out and screaming obscenities at my laptop screen.. in between doing bongs hits, laughing my arse off, eating breakfast cereal and watching cartoons; or y'know whatever the fuck else you imagine I do around here.. short of glueing thousands of photos to my ceiling like that creepy guy out of "One Hour Photo" (hell I DID used to work in a photo lab!). Oh and before you ask, yes I DID take this photo on the Sunday and not on the night in question, because quite frankly I had even LESS of a plan of what I was meant to be doing here tonight than I did last night. YEAAAS!!
11:32PM - In fact so last minute were my laughable lack of plans that I only JUST thought to arrive at the bus stop mere moments before my last bus was due to leave for town: which kinda explains THIS blurry photo just now, taken literally as its headlights were bearing down upon me.
11:42PM - Sooo am I digging an even BIGGER hole for myself tonight? pfft.. OF COURSE I AM! And is it a little odd for me to be taking photos inside the bus just now? no.. not at all, why do you even ask? I mean doesn't everyone do this everytime they're on a bus!? HA! I laugh at you!!
11:53PM - My one and only destination for tonight? 15 Peel Street (ie: read previous blog to understand the what and why), my one and ONLY task once I get here? to get as hideously shitfaced drunk as I can in the shortest span of time.. OOOOH FUCK YEAH!! and no, they're clearly NOT short of options to achieve all that either. Oh and speaking of such, can someone PLEASE explain to me what the FUCK a "human skull" is? why it's $70? and why it costs an extra $15 with added "skinks"!? I know I mentioned it once before in a previous blog.. but seriously duuude WHAT THE FUCK!? (note: if it's an actual human skull with skinks? that'd be SO freaking badass!)
11:54PM - Hmmm yup, I believe these are wise words we can all live by..
11:56PM - Finding a seat downstairs in the "McKeague Space" with my longneck of Coopers Sparkling Ale, I do my utmost in following to ignore the thrashing and flailing "performance" that was exploding ahead of me. Apparently they're called Friends.. or is it Frasier? Seinfeld? Suddenly Susan? Herman's Head!? Mr Belvedere!? aaaah y'know whatever-the-fuck; oh and they're also performing this shit next week at Jive if ever you're "interested" (pfft!). Oh and as much as I'm aware? this ISN'T them doing a cover of Jay-Z's "99 Reasons" but it sure as shit sounds like it.
12:23AM - This is some guy wearing a white t-shirt with a "newborn giraffe" spray painted on it. Apparently it's meant to be significant for some reason, but yeaaah.. I've long since forgotten why.
12:39AM - While THIS right here is every reason I can think of to go straight back to the bar and order up another long neck. Because hell, it ain't binge drinking if you're supporting the arts!
12:44AM - If this was me writing up a live review right now (which I assure you it isn't), I'd tell you this band is called The Crying Game. I'd elaborate further by explaining they're an "Adelaide supergroup" of sorts featuring members from No Through Road, Central Deli Band, Aviator Lane, The Waterslides, Steering By Stars and Fire! Santa Rosa Fire! (oh and a few spare idiots from Cheer Advisory Council and Friends too whenever they felt the need to "contribute"). I'd also immediately give them a five stars rating (whatever that means!?) and a glowing review fuck full of excess superlatives and expletives explaining in no uncertain terms why they played one of THE MOST SKULL FUCKINGLY DOPE GIGS OF THE YEAR, and why, if you missed out on them, you deserve to be sterilised by a hyperactive three year old punching you repetively in the groin so that future generations won't be cursed with the same goddamn awful decision you just made here.. NO REALLY DUUUDE, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!? But since this ISN'T me writing up a live review (no really, didn't I just say that!?) and to be honest they're not even a "proper" band (they're a cover band) then clearly none of this shit happened, I was never here, and you didn't just see all these photos and video I didn't publish either. "FIVE STARS" DUUUDE, WOOOOOO!!
1:15AM - This however IS a genuine live review, it's Ben Quici from Friends giving me a "five star rating" for all the "hard work" I've been putting into documenting the Adelaide music scene this week (in every way that his one raised middle finger clearly doesn't suggest otherwise). Oh yeaaah.. you totally wanna see more lamearse "Kentucky Fried Mouse" photos now don't you!?
1:43AM - This is Clemmi Wetherall (formerly from some shit awesome Adelaide band.. aaaah fuck I dunno?) doing a DJ set. Or perhaps she ISN'T doing a DJ set and she's simply swiping all these CD's after whacking the "real DJ" over the head with a cricket bat and dumping their still twitching corpse in Mickey D's on Hindley. Either way? shit damn she spins some dope tunes!
2:02AM - Here's a flock of drunks doing exceptionally bad "white boy" dancing.
2:11AM - Here's two of them passed out on a couch.
2:43AM - And this is the singularly most awesome thing I saw all night on the floor of the unisex toilets. Yup I don't know quite what it is, what it's doing here, or what it all signifies.. but shit damn it's head explodingly genius all the same! Seriously is there anything 15 Peel Street can't do!?
5:35AM - And many hours later, after returning to my cardboard box (after continuing to get drunk at whatever-the-fuck), I finally published Friday's episode from last week (and for extra bonus points? see if you can spot all the wacky bits I wrote in it whilst completely shitfaced too!).
SUNDAY MARCH 7TH 2010 - Yup, earlier this week when I boldly claimed I was going to "blow the whole weekend off" (and not all ironic to the fact that you're reading a blog about it now) it was fair to say many people out there were shocked, horrified, dumbfounded, perhaps even downight flabbergasted at such a tragic and damn near apocalyptic turn of events (yup that's my ego, totally has its own orbiting moons and everything!) not least of which Elizabeth Reid here, who some of you may recognise as one of the faithful worker drones behind the ridiculously "piss yourself" awesome Music SA website, but ALSO for her wacky sideproject Brillig: one of those "live" bands that occassionally play live gigs, that I occassional go see; except when I'm otherwise avoiding them all like THIS week and writing an hilariously half arsed blog instead. As such on Monday she foolishly invited me along to one their Fringe shows at The Grace Emily, and even more foolishly I accepted knowing full well just how brilliantly this "plan" would backfire on her..
7:25PM - So here I am standing outside of The Grace Emily taking a photo of their "upcoming attractions" sign as well as a totally superfluous poster that Brillig have slapped on the window below (just in case you didn't already know they were playing here tonight and on the previous two Sundays as part of The Fringe), and oh look there's a liquor licensing sign as well! (whoaaa.. you mean to tell me this place serves alcohol!? WOWEEE MY NIGHT SIMPLY CAN'T GET MUCH BETTER!!). Oh and as much as it would've been hilarious to simply "shoot" the entirety of this show whilst standing outside then walk home whilst laughing my arse off, I'm a little too disturbed by that green hearse parked out front (ie: see window reflection) belonging to Brillig's number one fan "Zoom Strange".. so yeaaah on second thoughts, it might just be safer for me to step inside.
7:27PM - Upon reaching the stage (quite by accident, as I swear I was aiming for the beer garden) I spot this sign, again reminding us in no uncertain terms that yes Brillig DO have a show here tonight, yes it IS the last of three shows they've been playing for the past three weeks and NO they won't be replaced at the very last minute by a tribe of shrieking Colobus monkeys forming pyramids, flinging faeces, pissing all over the walls and ceiling no matter how ridiculously awesome it might have been if they did (I think they're playing The Crown & Anchor though, so if you rush you might still catch them!). Oh and I'm also told this a CD launch for their new album "The Red Coats": most of the songs are either extensively about people committing suicide, being murdered or otherwise meeting their end by all too grisly means (ie: mauled to death by squirrels) and they're also available for kid's parties, weddings, baby showers and bar mitzvahs too.. SCORE!!
7:33PM - This is a banjo. Yes.. a banjo! The only reason I'm mentioning it now is because clearly I find the concept of a banjo appearing in any live gig, especially one I happen to be attending, as nothing short of head explodingly awesome or quite possibly a sign of the impending apocalypse. I mean sure it's not the ONLY instrument they'll be using tonight: there's also piano accordian, ukulele, violin, mouth organ and an auto harp (along with an utterly trivial acoustic guitar, electric guitar and bass) but who gives a shit about all that maaan!? THEY GOT A FUCKING BANJO YO!!
7:35PM - This is their head explodingly awesome set design. And those tombstones you see? totally boogie boards. Like you can totally surf them and shit! No really? HOW BADASS IS THAT!?
7:54PM - Of course all this and more is effectively "ruined" the minute Brillig arrive on stage. "DAMN YOU BRILLIG, WHY MUST YOU BE ALL LIVE AND PERFORM'Y ALL A SUDDEN!! WHY DAMNIT? WHYYY!!??" And obviously the less said about THEM the better (even if they were being all ridiculously brilliant with it at the time.. you sadistic fucks!) except to point out that when Matt Swayne their lead singer plays the mouth organ under all those stage lights, he totally looks like Darth Vader with his helmet off: and yes that alone was singularly the most awesome shit I saw all night (no really check out that video I got of it, how unbelievably brilliant is that!? YEAAAS MATT SWAYNE, GO YOU WHINYARSE GOTH BASTARD.. WOOOOOO!!) Oh and their bass player Denni Meredith also kinda looks like David Schwimmer (aka: "Ross" from Friends) only with a beard. Hmmm. As for what this shit has got to do with absolutely anything? nothing at all! why you ask!?
8:56PM - Still if you REALLY want to be all tragic "trainspotter" for this shit? (ooooh you sicken me!) yeaaah fuck it here's their setlist: half of them are their own songs, half of them are a "murder ballad" style covers compilation of such artists as Johnny Cash, Neil Young, Nancy Sinatra (with a brilliant rendition of Bang Bang My Baby Shot Me Down), a sprinkling of Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan (as reinterpretted by Nick Cave) and The Decemberists. Oh and for spare shits and giggles they even dedicated their song "Absinthe" to me after that last live review I wrote on them waaay back in 2006, only to elaborate further by mentioning the main character dies in the end.. "fuck.. what now!?". Yup that's Brillig alright, they really DO love their gallows humour don't they?
9:16PM - Up next I'm told the The Bastard Sons Of Ruination are playing a set. I'm also told most of it consists of their lead singer Dr Matt Dry pointing his accusatory finger at people and screaming at them; or pretty much JUST the kinda thing you'd want to wind down to on a quiet Sunday night. Hmmm. So obviously instead of simply catching all that (and what would've surely been both my ears pissing out a rainbow of pure joy while I drank myself nearly comatose?). I instead caught the bus home. AAAaHAhAHaHAHA I know I'm such a riotous prankster aren't I?
Yup, next week I swear this will all be back to normal. Next week I'll actually get eight hours sleep. Next week I won't be buried under thousands of pending photos, videos and blogs to sort, edit, write and upload laughingly off schedule (and how!). Next week I'll even get a moment's peace uninterrupted where I won't have to think of all the "head exploding insanity" outside my bedroom window: all those billion and one music festivals, parties, tours, launches, debuts and farewells hooting and shrieking ad infinitum day and night. Next week maaan, NEXT WEEK!! Or at least that's what I keep telling myself, reminding myself, even as much as I've completely forgotten what "normal" is (even if it cocks its hind leg and pisses all over me). Aaaah fuck it, you know what? who needs normal!? If you need me you know where to find me: I'll be the one curled up in the corner, foetal position, retarding grin, blocking both ears and screaming. GOOD TIMES!!
