The Adelaide scene: to many of you it may be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctional splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
LIVE REVIEW / GUINEAFOWL (****)
"THE LIE IS" TOUR @ JIVE / Friday December 2nd 2011
So here I am at Jive on a Friday night; like five kinds of whizzbang exploding woweee and shit. Here to see Guineafowl headline as part of their "The Lie Is" tour: which I'm assuming is their new single...yeaaah it probably is (I couldn't be arsed looking it up) but they ARE being supported by both Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire! and Hawks Of Alba; which I surely don't need to tell you is more than enough reason to wanna attend the shit out of this show tonight...HA HA HA DUUUDE IS IT EVER!! "then why are there crickets chirping? aaawkward!". As much as I didn't really have anything else to do tonight; yeaaah okay that's an outright lie: I had lots, I mean LOTS AND LOTS! duuude there's been a veritable "shit tornado clusterfuck" of event invites flooding my facebook feed all week and we all know I've just grievously insulted each and every one of them in my "maybe attendance" by choosing this chodeload of a lineup instead (well, both Caitlin and Nathaniel from Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire! DID ask me nicely two months back, so what was I gonna do? blow them off!? THEY ASKED ME NICELY YOU HEARTLESS PISSCLOWNS!!) and no wait HAHAHAHA STOP...does anyone else get how absurd this sounds!? And I don't just mean by the way in which I've rudely introduced this episode but in case we haven't already been introduced? Hi I'm Spoz Spozington! (not my real name) and I write Spoz's Rant; the operative word being IT'S A RANT...not hard hitting journalism ya fools! So pretty much ANY real insight on the Adelaide scene? bands performing in it? and my blow by blow account of them in a bona-fide "live review"? takes a backseat to anything else idiotic, insane and profane that pops into my head for infantile shits and giggles. No...what's REALLY ABSURD: is that all you lunatics, all you live bands and record labels, totally ASK for this shit...and sillier still all the ridiculous lengths I'll go to in meeting your demands, in making this my 9-5 job!? I mean C'MON! you could go ANYWHERE ELSE on the internet for a nice, neat, concise review and a posted gallery of professional high end DSLR photography...Rip It Up, Fasterlouder, Tone Deaf, The AU Review? they're dime a dozen now in giving your pissy little "live band" that much needed public exposure! (they even get more site hits!) but ooooh no, you still beg and bug me to attend all your shows? YOU STILL ASK FOR ALL THIS INSANITY, DON'T YOU!? and yeaaah...that's just fucking NUTS yo!
Or maybe it's just nuts to me? like I'm the only one who still doesn't get this blog is a legitimate "business" now. Yeaaah I know, I know! I keep harping on about it lately but it's still a headfuck wrapping my mind around it maaan! Especially now that I'm hosting all this advertising, and record labels are spamming me, and interstate artists are emailing me: sending me demos, asking me for advice, thinking I'm this number one source on all things "Adelaide scene" related; which is awesome! considering I still make less money off this, then if I was on the DOLE; I mean how the fuck did this happen!? it was meant to be a joke you idiots! But I'm also constantly reminded just how silly I look doing this shit...especially to those of you who don't know there's a blog behind it, that this is my actual "job", and I have all this insane "industry" backing, like me taking all these photos of Jive's exterior with my crappy $300 compact camera for instance: (because that's all my budget can afford) all for the sake of establishing shots that I swear will totally make sense when you see them in a blog, no I swear! I'm totally doing this shit for a reason yo! even though it also makes me look like I've got a mental illness with a compact camera shooting them all. "But Spoz! don't you already have billions of these already!?" I know riiight!? but not in this awesome twilight "blue" I don't, and it's my job! And besides what else am I gonna do outside, still waiting? because security might be giving me the mad stink eye, wondering "who invited this dickclown...AGAIN!?", or perhaps that's just me being paranoid (well it IS Jive afterall). Like despite seeing me here week after week with my "name on the door" they STILL don't get I'm doing it for an online publication? like they see me for the fraud I truly am...? I mean what the FUCK am I doing here!? am I doing it for fun? is it "serious" now? duuude I don't fucking know! and yet security let me through anyways, begrudgingly, like they're letting me off with a warning...YAY, PARANOIA!! (save for the girl working the door tonight, she's an absolute dear) but do you get what I mean by absurd!? if not I'm sure I'll get plenty more chances to reiterate this point throughout the night. FUCK I LOVE THIS JOB!!
Oh and look now I'm photographing a drumkit? woweee I've never done THAT before!
HAWKS OF ALBA (****) - Which yup is just the kind of "one hand clapping" our opening act receives when they arrive on stage. Which is a little odd considering it's Hawks Of Alba...what? do I EVEN NEED TO SPELL THAT OUT FOR YOU? IT'S HAWKS OF ALBA!! They're fucking huge! or yeaaah okay they're "huge in Adelaide": so I'll readily concede the inherent oxymoron in that statement (my apologies). As much as they should be more than well familiar to many of you, yes even YOU mouth breathing dorks who never leave the house on weekends to hit up a live venue, in no small part thanks to their whizzbang appearance at the Adelaide Big Day Out in 2010...which many of you probably missed; or their ongoing Triple J high rotation...which you'd have to be living under a ROCK to miss (unless you happen to be of exceptional sophistication and lax hygiene standards to listen to Three D instead...in which case you would've heard of them anyways). Which would've been more than enough glowing endorsement for you to hunt down their just released debut EP: "Dear Punk Rock, Sorry I Said All Those Nasty Things About You"...or "DPRSISATNTAB (and Fiona Apple totally wants her album title back)" for short. Or even more so when you consider the first single off said EP "Cut You Out" will soon be accompanied by a whizzbang music video launching next Friday at Nexus Theatre in two separate screenings (because the first one at 6:30PM totally sold out) that not only features homicidal puppets..."YEAAAS!!" but also a sex scene involving said homicidal puppets!? "WOAAAH!!" like no shit, JUST TRY AND CONTAIN THE RAGING AWESOMATUDE NOW EXPLODING OUT YOUR EARHOLES IMAGINING THAT DUUUDE, FUUUCK!! *ahem* (yeah sorry everytime I think about puppets? I go all weirdly all-caps). And dare I mention they also arrived on stage tonight wearing matching multicoloured feathered capes, LIKE THE MAD SUPERHEROES OF ROCK THAT THEY RIGHTEOUSLY ARE!? HAHAHA of course not. Because well, fuck you! if you weren't here for it. And another "fuck you!" if you WERE here but hung back by the bar instead: leaving me to go at it alone, flapping about front of stage like a prize jackass taking photos. But hey even so? I couldn't think of a better band to share my public humiliation with...because Hawks Of Alba are without a doubt the most chipper, cheerful (possibly chipmunk with a bass guitar playing) pop rock band in Adelaide. And by "pop rock" I obviously mean both shit you should never mix with a shook up can of Pepsi shat into a microwave and all things "awesomely 90's" very much inspired by The Breeders, et al, with beaming 1000W smiles and fuzzing guitars. And tonight was no exception to this evergreen reputation when they hit the stage. Only to realise almost nobody's arrived yet, only for one of them to remark with a smirk: "does anyone here not know us personally? good! means we don't have to introduce ourselves!", only to riddle their set with all manner of goofy in-jokes and witty asides, treating a potential "writeoff" like it was a casual jam crossed with kid's birthday party. And hey when you've got matching capes, how can you possibly go wrong!? well...short of a false start midway through their set? (in a fit of giggles too I might add) they couldn't. They had a few new songs in their set: a cover of Stars' "Ageless Beauty"(see video) and Resurrectionists (also see video...apparently their cheerful take on a Bad Seeds "Murder Ballad"!?). And since I was literally the only one out there for miiiles, and gosh darn it they're just THAT giddily infectious? I felt it'd be a bit remiss if I didn't contribute my own spastic flailing dance moves front of stage too: and no I can't say whether I added or subtracted points to their "entertainment value" tonight for stooping to that level? because well, if you weren't here for it? FUCK YOU!! Yup that's Hawks Of Alba. In all the times I've seen them live they've never failed to "light up a room", no seriously if you weren't mad beaming ear to ear enjoying this shit? you surely have a heart as black as coal!
FIRE! SANTA ROSA, FIRE! (****1/2) - Which then brings us to our second act...who I also like to think are one of the best bands in Adelaide right now (short of all the other ones) but before we review the shit out of them in ways that completely miss the point of what a "live review" is supposed to be? (ie: wildly informative, objectively unbiased with a minimum of dick jokes?), perhaps we should address the "elephant in the room" tonight. Yeaaah you know what I'm talking about! And I don't mean that literally: like there's more than enough room tonight to fit an entire "herd of them" in here and even get them breakdancing like some kinda crappy 80's "update" of Walt Disney's Fantasia without crumpling nary a whisker or a feather, or more accurately get in the way of the fifty odd tumbleweeds in attendance still sequestered by the bar too shit scared to get within 20 metres of the stage (what!? I showered this morning!) but since we're on the subject: one of the more plausible reasons why almost nobody's here at Jive tonight? short of say swamp gas refracting off the planet Venus, vampire attack/zombie pandemic, or everyone jumping the border to live in Melbourne and Sydney for the past year or so...is Elton John. As in he's playing here in Adelaide NEXT Friday, and everyone's already made a head start in evacuating the city (and I can't say I can blame them really...short of that one song in Almost Famous? he totally blows a sack of doorknobs!) no when I speak of the "elephant in the room"? I'm speaking figuratively...as in the glaring absence of one Art "Living Legend" Zinoviev tonight: keyboardist, tambourinist, two-times gold nominee on Spoz's Rant for the "Expendable Bez Award" in 2008 and 2009 (only to have that illustrious award renamed in his honour in 2010) no seriously Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire! WHAAAT THE FUUUCK HAPPENED!? Well as much as I'd love to entertain the belief that he was simply playing waaay too much Skyrim of late...so much so he got his Tuesdays mixed up with his Fridays, and it was an innocent mistake and he'll be here next time? (aaaah catheter tubing! where would we be without you?) the truth of the matter is he left the band...2-3 weeks ago. Only they never told us. Or perhaps they never told ME (or Art for that matter as he was playing Skyrim at the time, ZING!). And yes I am in shock, I am in mourning! this makes a BIG DIFFERENCE to the band! and by that I mean shit-fuck-all difference...as much as they'd dare not play "Witch House" tonight: bereft as it would be of his mad spirit finger flourishes on the keys *sniff* oh Art, you will be missed! you truly were the creative core of this band! they ARE truly fucked without you; except no wait? apparently I'm told they've parted ways on "amicable terms"? so yeaaah...scratch that last bit. But we ARE still left with five remaining band members and one gaping big hole tonight; as much as they did cover for it admirably with a setlist compromised almost entirely of new songs, namely: "Total War", "Dah", "Panther Shrine", "Code Breaker", "Phantom Of Lakes" and epic closer "Absolute Hypnosis". All showcasing a new direction very much veering towards an ethereal atmospheric, "trip hop" feel (or kinda like Blondie meets Portishead meets The Cure at their eerie 80's best). Working off the growing confidence and beguiling stage presence of lead singer Caitlin Duff: now experimenting with all manner of filters (and a loop pedal) in layering and accentuating the warbling eccentricities of her voice (and I mean that in a GOOD way; she weaves quite the siren song now!) and backed near flawlessly by a band very much honed to a clockwork killing machine by tirelessly supporting just about every touring act in Australia that'll have them of late (ie: everyone from Kimbra, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, er...*ooops* I mean the New York Dolls, to Guineafowl tonight). I mean short of a pesky bit of microphone feedback? (made all the funnier by it being repeated in a loop pedal sustain during "Code Breaker"), or the fact the world's been cruelly robbed now of the genius that is Art Zinoviev...DAMN YOU!! (or at least until I steal him for my own band) Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire! are a band that truly CAN'T be fucked with. They write neato tunes, unconventional tunes, but tunes you can still totally "hum a tune" to, and if the ones I heard tonight are any indication: duuude I'm mad itching for when they finally release 'em on a second album. Let that be soon?
Which then brings us to our headlining act tonight, who despite oestensibly and "officially" being the main subject of this episode (oh look it's them in title, WOWEEE AND SHIT!!) will probably get shortchanged the most in this fartarse writeup: because yup, this is a blog on the Adelaide scene, they're a touring act from Sydney...so fuck 'em I say! OH I'M KIDDING; but no, no wait...HAHAHA did I mention earlier on how much I got heckled by Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire! tonight!? I mean I try not to make these blogs all about me, I try not to be all "gonzo" and shit...like: "hey look at me! I'm Adelaide's answer to Lester Bangs and Hunter S. Thompson! I'M A GOLDEN GOD!! I'M A GIANT DILDO CRUSHING THE SUN!! YEAAAS!! COME BASK IN MY GRAVITIONAL VORTEX YA BAAASTARDS!! WAAAHAHAHaHAhaHAHahAHA!!" *ahem*. no really I SWEAR to you that's not what I'm doing here; well yeaaah...maybe just a little (it's hilarious what you can get away with in a power vacuum!) but when you're for all intents THE ONLY FREAKING AUDIENCE MEMBER at Jive tonight? standing front and centre, shit eating grin taking photos!? of course you're gonna cop it! of course you're gonna end up being the unintentional focus! especially when you're dealing with bands you're a little too familiar with, from seeing every other weekend, featuring band members who perform in almost every other band you ever see...like it's all one big in-joke on the rest of Australia isn't it? I mean how incestuous does this freaking Adelaide scene get!? TOO INCESTUOUS I SAY!! yeah that's right Nathaniel Morse! it WAS a low blow when you said you'd totally rape me for a replacement guitar string, A LOW BLOW!! (excuse the pun) as much as I didn't hear you at the time, I was attempting to do my job! attempting to be above board and professional, ATTEMPTING TO TAKE NOTES ON MY FREAKING PHONE, DAMNIT!! and oh wait, where was I again!? OH YEAAAH HAHAHA *ooops*. Well at the very least Guineafowl knew what they were getting into tonight; or at least they had a sense of humour about it when lead singer Sam Yeldham saw the threadbare audience assembled before them (and thankfully a few other people had finally joined me at this point) and without missing a beat quipped "congratulations golden ticket holders for winning an intimate show with Guineafowl!". And no this wasn't the first I'd seen them, although they were very much more in their element as "headliners" cracking jokes tonight; or at least more memorable than back in May when they were overshadowed by tour mates Ball Park Music (and the spastic stage theatrics of one Sam Cromack) or the fact I'd gotten so hideously drunk "drowning my sorrows" over a busted camera that night (oh maaan!) I'd all but forgotten what the fuck they actually sounded like posting a photo blog; as much as I'm still struggling to pinpoint their sound here and now. Oh I dunno? equal parts Broken Social Scene meets Vampire Weekend meets U2's "Joshua Tree" in a jangling guitar? as much as they also sound like just about every Australian "indie band" you've heard on Triple J for the past eighteen months or so and since forgotten the name of all put in a blender...and no I don't mean Seabellies or Cloud Control, I love those guys! as much as they DO admittedly share a "token cute girl who plays the keys" in common here, yeaaah not like I'm complaining at ALL: her name is Imi Harper and she's the best thing about this band (well at least I'm being honest!). As much as her goofyarse grin, laughing it up with Yarran Hominh on guitar, or how the rest of the band in turn are practically jubilant to be performing; despite playing to naught but an "Adelaide cliche" in a chorus of crickets, one idiot blogger and the occassional straggler emerging from the dark to do the dorky "white man" dance: is probably one of the best reasons I can think of for coming back for more. It's not about the music per se, fuck the music! as much as they do have a mad knack for weaving endlessly intricate arrangements...nope! it's all about the infectious upbeat energy that makes you want to dance like a mad spaz in spite of yourself, and Guineafowl have THAT in spades tonight!
11:47PM - Now the original plan was to hit up The Ed in the encore (aka: my favourite game of west end venue-tag). Because as luck would have it? my name was on the door for Mere Theory tonight: who were playing support for Mission In Motion; and I totally scored advertising revenue for it too...SHIT YEAAAH, JOURNALISTIC IMPARTIALITY!! Which is awesome considering they sold out to capacity and I could totally take credit for it. "Yeaaah but, didn't you promote Guineafowl too!?". Duuude I can lead a horse to water; shit...I can even lead a few thousand each week! but I can't make them all drink! or in other words I'm totally blaming Rip It Up because they advertised it too (and if they wanna pass the buck? fuck it...blame Elton John! WE ALL DID!!). The only snag with this plan? since The Ed had already "sold out to capacity" there was fuckall chance of actually getting in. Or at least not for me AND Jeremy: who decided to tag-along for the rest of the night (yup boredom makes you do some fucked up things!) who'd already tried bluffing his OWN way in courtesy of house mixer and former bandmate Alex Ciaravolo earlier on; only to be shot down. Ed Castle: no dice. All of which we'd already determined just as we were walking out of Jive's side exit (only for security to swiftly slam it shut behind us) so where next then: east end? yeaaah fuck it.
12:15AM - And by "east end" I obviously mean The Exeter. Not because we have a problem with The Crown & Anchor...hell even if we DID? they're owned by the same people anyways; we're just being lazy! especially when it's a mere 20 minute walk away on the other end of town. And hey is that Dan Crannitch working the bar tonight? the same who's lead singer for Leader Cheetah? the same Leader Cheetah who are playing a "cozy semi acoustic set" at The Grace Emily on Thursday December 15th and I should totally come along and they might even doorlist me for my troubles so I can take dinky little photos and post them on my blog!? HELL YEAAAH!! HIGH FIVE!! And yeah *ahem* that sound you're hearing right now IS in fact a thousand odd people rolling their eyes, heading to their browser bookmarks, and deleting my arse for impropriety...LET'S GET LOADED!!
12:37AM - And soon after hitting the bar (Jeremy bought a jug, as I was broke as hell, as much as I've been saying that a LOT lately...only this time it wasn't simply to scam free beers) we soon discovered that "dead at Jive" actually meant "dead everywhere in Adelaide tonight...save for The Ed Castle"; because obviously vaguely guess-timating the population at one venue and one pub tonight totally counts as a comprehensive scientific study...what? IT TOTALLY DOES! (I got an "A" in Year 12 Chemistry and everything...let's start a meth lab!). But at the very least we could still spin a "positive" out of this urban wasteland tonight; and I don't just mean simply nipping off to a Kwik-E-Mart for a shitload of pseudoephedrine tablets (dye 'em blue? totally like Breaking Bad!) I mean more finding somewhere "scenic" to drink ourselves blissfully numb to it. Like out here in the alleyway? The Exeter's had it for a while now, never tried it...totally like living in Paris 'n shit!
2:07AM - Which is why me and Jeremy chose to relocate HERE moments later...except neither of us are in this photo, it's a taxi coming to a standstill. I know...I was totally blown away by that too!
2:29AM - Better yet? here in the toilets...totally like you're pissing in Vegas.
2:50AM - Which is why it's a little confusing that we'd STILL end up at Supermild twenty minutes later like spastic cuckoo clocks...or it's just wildly predictable that we would? yeaaah I forget which.
And as for why she's going all loopy with her hair here? like what...it's a "moustache"? an allergic response to tequila? Elton John? yeaaah we don't question that, that shit's quality entertainment!
