TONY FONT SHOW + NOBODY KNEW THEY WERE ROBOTSLIVE @ JIVE / Saturday November 17th 2007
This is me speaking to you via ouiji board from beyond the grave, so you'll excuse me if I find it difficult to get the words out (seriously this thing's worse than tapping out an SMS with broken thumbs.. eeeesh!) *ahem* where was I? oh yeah! Only 24 hours before, I was lying dead on my doorstop at the end of another working week: a twitching ruin of delerium, blurred vision, cold sweats, headspins and broken sentences masquarading as poetic brilliance. Aaaaah, why DO I do this to myself? All it took was one 72 hour marathon after another, running two lives to the candle's wick, beating myself senseless over 4 months in hell to reduce me to this laughing wreckage of limbs strewn across the pavement. All strung out on way too many double dose expresso's, too many conflicting thoughts, not nearly enough sleep, no time to spare and circling that drain fast to a burial at sea. What the fuck was I thinking fighting this war on two fronts? Surely I was mad to think that I could ever make a difference!? This lone voice pissing into the wind? This ongoing suicidal prank for infamy? Surely this city has killed for less!? Crush all dissent! Resistance is futile! Paranoia! 30,000 tonnes of rubble and my imminent collapse! Laugh as the darkness claims me like a swift guillotine blade.. and then nothing.
Eyes flicker. Clouds speed. The Sun and the moon dance their maddening rhythms. The lights spin. Vertigo. Days, weeks, months and years pass in an instance, all of history is erased in the passing of the great magnet.. and then I awake. Fuck! Oh well, if at first you don't succeed: "try, try and try again!" so here I am out on a Saturday night to start it aaaall over again! :)
In effort to celebrate my stay of execution for yet another week running, Jive has gone all out and spared no expense to throw me a party tonight (likely in effort to finish the job and kill me off for good) and nothing but the best of the local music scene has been called in to entertain me, but since they clearly ALL refused we're stuck with these talentless arseclowns.. *cough* :)
THE BEARDSOpening act of the night. Name says it all. They play the blues. They have the beards. They're all about the beards. Fuckit need I say more? Beards! Beards! More beards! Hey, here's another song about beards! Did someone say beards!? AAAUAUAUGGHH BEARDS!!
Thus the genius that is "The Beards". Sure, they may just be that that one punchline played over and over to the point of brain damage, and yet the dumber they get, the more the lunatic fringe out there goes freaking apeshit for it. If this were a political movement, we'd no longer need the police force after November 24th, coz there'd be nothing but the fuzz for miles!
NOBODY KNEW THEY WERE ROBOTSWith a name like that, this second band (a touring act from Sydney) could either be the most fuckoff brilliant band I've ever seen, or an entirely shit band with a kickarse title. As for the verdict? Throw in one skinnyarse weasel on lead channeling a monster case of halitosis (Ren) with a walking tank channeling a rhinoceros on bass (Stimpy), back it with a rubberband guitarist and a kung-fu power mullet on drums (Itchy & Scratchy) and you get this: a goofyarse thrash-metal 4-piece that may or may not quite possibly be robots sent from the future to kill us all. Since I'm entirely crap at figuring this whole schitzoid genre, the only comparison I can give is to relate them to the sorta stoner metal shit all your skatehead-wasteoid buddies love to jam with from the early 90's: Anthrax, Pantera, Fugazi, Slayer.. am I getting warm? am I barking up the wrong tree? fuckit, either way.. they fucking owned this crowd tonight! :)
TONY FONT SHOWand so in a laughable attempt for an upstaging follow up act, we present tonight's headlining act: Tony Font Show, the one and only disco-metal funk-disaster that's helped launch a million and one punchlines (and killed just as many braincells) for this blog over the last two years, here to launch their very latest EP / single / double a-side / whatever the fuck "Selfish In Bed" to a rapidly growing crowd of rapidly dimishing knuckle-dragging intellects. If you've been living under a rock, doing nothing but banging those rocks, growing a beard down to your ankles or have yet to discover fire.. then this is the band for you! So clearly all further words are now rendered null and void: not only have I written it all before, not only should you all KNOW by now but chances are none of you ever growing fanbase will possess the minimum 3rd grade literacy to comprehend it all. In short as always: Tony Font Show, FUCK YEAAAAH! :)
and as Jive's specialist "clean-up" crew disposes of yet more bodies strewn across the four walls in the wake of Tony Font Show's retarding eviscera, I take a moment or two to honour all those who've since fallen further down the evolutionary ladder, before beating a path through the unruly mob, out the door and towards sanctuary at FAD cafe here on Waymouth St.
Aaaaah FAD: the one lounge bar, cafe and gallery space in Adelaide where all art comes to die: before being pulled apart, stitched together and reanimated with a few bolts of lightening to terrorise the neighbourhood like Frankenstein. If ever you ever wanted to make your eyeballs bleed all colours of the rainbow like Dave Bowman in the final scenes of 2001: A Space Oddyssey, then drink your fill upstairs! but perhaps only because the current exhibiting artist (who's name currently escapes me) may quite possibly be a raving mental patient..
Oh, and I don't really have a caption for this photo, I just thought it looked pretty..
*cough* aaaand we're moving right along..
DELUSIONS OF GRANDMAOf course the real reason I'm here tonight is for a midnight double session from this face melting extraterrestrial jazz outfit: Delusions Of Grandma. They sound just like what you'd get if you left a series of 12'' vinyls from Primus, Red Snapper, 80's Pink Floyd, The Chemical Brothers "Come With Us" and Coltrane cooking in a microwave until they all morphed into the one amorphous PVC blob and then attempted to put an LP needle to it. They also damn near make 2AM on a Saturday night, blind drunk on FAD's novelty microbrews the most awesome hour to be alive since Artax Mission demolished the 4 walls of reality here back in
April. If this were a country, I'd renounce my Australian citizenship and defect to it in a mousefart.. YEAS!
But of course, being as it is 2AM on a Saturday night, my tranquility is all too soon interrupted by the return of this all too familiar idiot squad, sent to speed me to my death again. Damn, they must've figured a way out've their baboon enclosure, there goes my brain again.. eeee!
and so, try as I might to make sense of any of the remainder of this blog I might as well give up now: with drunken professionals like these lurching about the steering wheel, this ship's sinking fast! (Hmmm, if the post box isn't moving, does this STILL count as a DUI offense? :) )
and the less said about THIS photo, the better (seriously, why am I
NOT surprised? hahaha!)
whilst the rest of the afterparty on the dancefloor at Jive is of course, obliterate history..
Am I dead? Am I alive? Am I undead, strung up on wires an unwitting puppet to yet another Weekend at Bernie's adventure into the furthest reaches of the improbable? Has all of reality been brought down to it's knees before me, broken by my idiot defiance again and AGAIN? Have I finally run out've words to write meaning into this furthering decay? Who the fuck knows!? Chances are I'll simply come back for more and more till nothing remains but a loose association of atoms.. and quite frankly, none of you would expect ANY less! :)
Previously on Spoz's Rant:
That Lamearse Flashback Episode We Had To Have 
