The Adelaide music scene: to many of you it might be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctioning splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
ANYA ANASTASIA (****) - Which then brings us...possibly a little awkwardly, to the third and final chapter of our "Sharks, Cats & Birds" whizzbang extravaganza (look at that poster! LOOK AT IT!! MARVEL AT ITS RESPLENDENT GLORY!! AAAUAUAUGGHH!! *cough* wait, where was I again?) with what was originally billed to be our headlining act, Bird Wizdom...only instead? what we get is their lead singer Anya Anastasia as a solo act on ukulele and keyboard. Now there's two, possibly three reasons why this may've happened. Firstly the band "Bird Wizdom", outside of any fullblown theatrical production, likes to keep things loose: as in they have an extended ensemble cast and whoever shows up on the night THAT'S the band (and believe me it's worked wonders in the past); only most if not ALL of this "band" are currently in hiding studying for their final year uni exams. Secondly there's the trivial matter of Anya being invited to audition for "Australia's Got Talent", yes INVITED (as in she already auditioned this morning and got a whole lot of "positive feedback") and yeaaah...the less we say about that shit? the better! as in: perhaps any other band members who might've joined her? are currently screaming in a shower cubicle in "recovery". And thirdly...well, have you met Anya!? HA HA HA DUUUDE!! (she's just a teeny bit nuts!). Of course all this shouldn't matter a hoot tonight, since The Metro's been "whistling on empty" all night, and even more so by the time she arrives on stage, and aaaah fuck it she could probably write this whole thing off as a glorified "rehearsal"...but then something "odd" happens. And I'm not talking about her live act (more on that later) nooo it's more to do with the "crowd"; as in against all improbable odds? she actually wins herself one! As little by little they come: at first in numbers singularly, then in pairs as if out of nowhere, then a gathering swarm...all bug-eyed and befuddled and in dumbstruck awe at what they were witness to (sheeiiit, there might've even been a few overseas tourists!) she gathers her "audience"; and all of them hanging to her every word. It's quite the remarkable feat really, as much as we shouldn't be all that surprised if ever we'd seen her play live. For Anya Anastasia, even as a solo act, is a shitcrazy force to be reckoned with. I mean if you wanna massively sell it short? you could call her a cross between say Regina Spector and Amanda Palmer (the warbling voice and the lyrical wit/warmth of the former with the batshit eccentricities/whizzbang theatrics of the latter) but it's more the energy and the awkward authenticity in which she projects it as a concoction all of her own. Dressed as a circus explosion: corset, suspenders and skirt with missmatch coloured curtain tassles flailing about (yeaaah you know those "fuzzy things" you get on those old timey whimy ones? she totally nicked two of them and made them into an outfit) and a wild bird's nest of black hair (including two drinking straws she stuffed into there to look like "chopsticks" for that all important oriental touch). I mean she doesn't just perform here tonight as a bohemian freak gone horribly wrong, she IS that bohemian freak gone horribly RIGHT...duuude she's what the perverted lovechild between Winona Ryder and Edward Scissorhands would look like; only on a lot more acid! Each one of her songs is a heartfelt "confessional" in being howlingly socially insecure about just about everything and everyone, only in lyrical witticisms wraught increasingly hallucinogenic. She's endlessly endearing in all her whimsical malfunction, she lights up a room! As much as I've seen her do this schtick countless times before...and yet I still can't help but be inspired anew each and every time? Yup that's Anya Anastasia. Quite possibly not of this earth, and I dare say she saved the night too, only to sell next to every copy of her album she had on her possession to the giddy flock of newfound fans after the show (including a CD she had spinning in her car stereo that she didn't even have a proper case for?) FUCK DAMN, HOW DOES THIS FANTASTICAL FREAK DO IT!?
12:58AM - And then, just when it got "good" here...? and I'm speaking of the crowds of course, not so much the bands (who've also been good, possibly even exceptional...I mean those crickets don't just chirp for anyone!) everybody had to get "gone". Yup for even my grasp of the English language was starting to fail me...it's been one of THOSE nights! So I lingered for a while, soaking up what little I could (of what could've been SO MUCH MORE) only there isn't really all that much you can do to "entertain yourself" at The Metro after the bandroom clears and they start propping up those windows panes again (and you've long since swiped all the "free" choc-chip cookies from the pokies lounge)...all save for THIS: this photo frame picture of Luke Eygenraam, left here after Central Deli Band threw a secret reunion show as "The Koalas" back in August; only to continue to amuse, confuse and befuddle passersby when they see it hanging up on the wall in the bandroom and wonder "no seriously, WHO THE FUCK IS THAT GUY!?" as the awesomest in-joke the Adelaide scene has ever seen, that only a handful to a hundred people would truly appreciate the rarefied humour of, that only seems to make it "cooler"; and the endless photo opportunities it can provide for ME in ruining it for everyone, by getting Sean Kemp to pose with it. YEAAAS!! Like remember when planking used to be cool? until that kid fell off a balcony, and then it wound up in the papers and then it got mentioned in parliament!? HA HA HA yeaaah I don't quite get the analogy either...
1:22AM - Which is possibly why I found myself here at The Ed Castle soon after. And it wasn't for the bands...if that's what you're asking; as much as they've already played, as much as I wouldn't have a clue WHO they were (or could've cared less for that matter) but hey if you're still curious? apparently it was Pluto Jonz, Apolarbear and The Aves (wait...The Aves played!? AWWW CRAP!!). No it was more that I was wondering if the "audience" we got at The Metro tonight was indicative of the Adelaide scene as a whole...or merely an isolated incident, or yeaaah maybe I was looking for a few familiar faces to get hilariously drunk with because it's been waaay too long since I've been drunk...like proper "laughing my tits off" drunk, and I sure as shit ain't doing it alone. NUH UH!! Or in other words maybe I'm hoping to prove a point, whilst simultaneously easing a guilty conscience over the fact that my shit hot poster didn't nearly bring in the screaming fans I thought it would?
1:28AM - And yup as it turns out? I was right, it was a total tumbleweed tournament here tonight *phew* or at least there was nobody here that I recognised; save for one Nick Bastiras from the All Night Girls going shit beserk on the DJ decks to a giddy dancefloor of...aaaah who the fuck cares!? and Toothbrush here laughing it up in a near deserted beergarden. Yes...Toothbrush. And if you're perhaps wondering WHY he's called "Toothbrush"? HA HA HA yeaaah it's a hell of a story! You see there was this toothbrush, that was floating in the men's urinal in Supermild, for two whole weeks in 2009 and...no wait, why does that make this guy "Toothbrush" again...? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!?
1:44AM - Yup clearly The Ed wasn't happening tonight...and I was a little too late for The Grace Emily, still too early for Supermild and I was nowhere near "adventurous" and/or bored enough to attempt either Cuckoo or CasaBlaBla...so there was only other option; especially if I was looking to get shitfaced drunk in ways I haven't been shitfaced drunk in weeks, perhaps even months: LET'S GO TO THE EXETER!! and so here I am about to cross King William and all the traffic lights are out? Woweee if that ain't the perfect summation of Adelaide's "nightlife" tonight...I DUNNO WHAT IS!!
1:59AM - Because yup...you guessed it! nothing's happening at The Exeter either. FUCK DAMN!! Which possibly explains why I'm desperate/insane enough to hit The Crown & Anchor in following...
2:02AM - And yeaaah do I need to say this again...? Although at the very least I did bump into one Steeny Pants and Tabby Sexpanther here (obviously not their real names) otherwise known as Adelaide's answer to "Kath & Kim" only all the trashier (and yet they're all the more awesome for it I SWEAR) both sporting "Money For Rope" merch: as the Melbourne band in question may've just finished headlining a show here with Tea at The Crown & Anchor earlier tonight. In fact that "wall of hair" you see there on the right? may in fact be their lead singer Jules McKenzie, or shit maybe it's just a dwarf Yeti impersonating Tex Perkins? or yeaaah...you can never be too sure sometimes.
2:34AM - And since I'm not nearly piss catatonic enough to handle all that just yet? it's back to The Ed; only to all but "confirm" that our annual Zombie Walk had all but wiped out anyone who would've normally been there tonight (or perhaps it was a hepatitis outbreak? no wait...herpies!?) only to hit up Supermild soon after; because yeaaah I've clearly wasted enough time in between; only to find myself waiting in line outside for a "good half hour" before they let me in. AWESOME!! Now I know what you may be thinking...if I was so intent on getting drunk tonight? why in the hell did I just waste the past hour walking the length and breadth of this city, taking retardarse photos of empty streets, instead of just pissing it in the one joint? pfft...WHERE'D BE THE FUN IN THAT!?
3:15AM - Still as luck would have it, no sooner did I walk in here...? than I bumped into the ever infamous Dave Blumberg from Tea (who's disturbingly looking slightly less "certifiable" this week). Or more accurately I DID: half an hour into downing my first longneck for the night, only to check my watch and wonder out loud "hmmm should I stick around for another?", only to see that he was ordering up a round of shots for Money For Rope; or perhaps it's just for their drummer Chris Valdemarin, and yeaaah screw it...I don't care how I bullshit this? I want in! FREE SHOTS BIATCH!!
And I know it's not the first time I'd seen Supermild serve up these "red dealies"; it might even be their house specialty...only I'm never the "wiser" over just what they put them. Save that I once heard the "contents" may include: orange juice, ginger ale, whatever they put into a bag of burger rings (ground car tires? emptied ashtrays? asbestos? depleted plutonium rods? DDT? GBH? bird droppings? oh I dunno...vitamin C!?) yet do you see me hesitating? FUCK NO! NECK THAT SHIT!!
3:28AM - Only it's moments later; and in my defense there may've been a "miscommunication" in the particulars (yeaaah okay, it was the longneck I had just prior) that I was then informed, that the shot I just had, was ACTUALLY intended for Dave's sister. OOOPS!! That's her there on the left, and everyone else there on the right? is apparently every member of Money For Rope that Dave could drunkenly round up at short notice (plus a few photobombing ring-ins I suspect) all looking for a group shot, and heeey...it was the least I could do to oblige; and I mean the very least too! I mean what did I do? not fall over and press a button!? pfft...A MONKEY COULD DO THAT!! *ahem* no wait, it's an "invaluable service" I provide for the Adelaide scene...MOAAAR BOOZE FER MEEE!!
3:58AM - And speaking of having absolutely no segue linking that last photo to this one...it's then I bump into Gavin De Almeida from The Scarlet Ives...errr half an hour later (yeaaah okay beats me what the hell I'd been doing in all that time too). And before you ask WHY I'm including this photo? (besides the fact it's my blog and I really don't give a shit) it's mostly to point out the black jacket he's wearing, that's slightly similar (but not really) to the black jacket I'M wearing, and yeaaah okay, perhaps we'll need some backstory here? Remember that "Wolverine" jacket I got? brown? skeezy looking? leather (okay PVC)? has those motorcycle racing stripes? the one I wear all the fucking time when I'm NOT wearing my black jacket!? Back when I bought that shit in 2009: Gavin, who'd previously been wearing a similar leather jacket, freaked the fuck out realising I had one, stopped wearing it, in fact he's never worn it since. And thus I thought it'd be funny to point that shit out again with his NEW black jacket because yeaaah, I'm really ever so helpful like that!
4:31AM - One which is made all the more incoherent and harder to recollect at this point...and not just thanks to the two longnecks I've downed, or when I was at the bar midway into the second and the bartender offered me up a spare drink he just happened to have lying around, only for me to ask what was in it...only to quickly correct myself "WHY AM I EVEN ASKING!?" and downing it, only to be told it was a vodka something or other (crap, it's my kryptonite!) that I'm THEN randomly shouted this scotch and coke, for reasons I can't quite remember, but pfft...does it really matter!?
Only to be told to scull that drink, only to be offered up a subsequent, then told to scull that one too: because they'd bought like ten of them...and yes I realise it sounds rather juvenile of me to list my drinking exploits in such "detail" as this, but hey I DID want to get drunk tonight didn't I? OOO-HO-HO-HO *FUUUCK* I think I'm gonna be crapping my liver out sideways come morning!
4:45AM - Yeaaah I tell you what but I miss nights like these: stumbling blindly out of Supermild, staggering, yammering, laughing to my bus stop (5AM late night service FTW!!). Brief detour as I duck around a corner, taking a whizz on a doorstep (my apologies if it was yours, it might've even been an apartment complex!? eeeeee!). Only to spot this incidental piece of street art on a stobie poll and remarking just how apt it is to my deteriorating state of mind or my entire Saturday night taken as a whole: me having a few too many drinks celebrating a city lying dead in a ditch crawling with ants...wait, what was the point I was trying to make with this shit!? HA HA HA GOOD TIMES!!
Yup, for all you "idiots" who stayed home tonight? let this be a lesson!