The Adelaide scene: to many of you it may be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctional splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
Yup that's a documentary on me, because yup I really AM that narcissistic (come to my DJ set next Saturday... squeeee!) produced by one Travis Cook. Who as it turns out: besides being a student at MAPS school of film (or at least I think he is?) also happens to be one half of Sydney/Adelaide electronica duo Collarbones, the same "Collarbones" that inexplicably got signed to a record label last year (Two Bright Lakes/Remote Control Records to be exact) for doing what exactly I'm not entirely too sure? but my laughable excuse for "research" tells me it might have something to do with them covering/remixing Justin Bieber, yes... THE JUSTIN BIEBER!! Which I'm assuming was for the sake of irony (yeaaah just let's give them the benefit of the doubt shall we?) as much as it also puts them squarely in the running for being THE most hipster tragic band in the Adelaide scene (did I also mention they're mad fans for R&B mashups!?). Which is obviously why I'M here tonight, because I totally LIVE for that shit... YEAAAS!! and not because I might be looking to take out my revenge ON Travis Cook for that documentary above: which in no way made me out to look like a complete imbecile (well he DID have plenty of material to work with!) or because there was fuckall else on offer tonight. And by "fuckall else on offer" I'm clearly lying, I'm ignoring a veritable clusterfuck of other awesome options available to me BESIDES Soundwave Festival (did I mention Ride Into The Sun are playing again tonight... AND IT'S AT PRODUCERS BAR!?) because yes this IS a revenge attack on Travis Cook and I'm really not fooling anyone *PHEW*. But woweee aren't you SO thankful that I did! I mean is that maddest dopest stage setup you've ever seen? and is that a Macbook Pro: the number one choice for hipster tragics everywhere and they're gonna be banging nothing but "fash trash" indie electro with it tonight? OOOOH YEAAAH I'M SO GONNA ENJOY THIS!!
Although calling them "indie electro" is a sweeping generalisation at best (or wildy innacurate at worst to all you trainspotters who surely know better) so lemme clarify. Collarbones are purveyors of a curious hybrid between electronica and pop that could be loosely described as "glitch-pop". It first appeared in the late 90's as "glitch" (see: Aphex Twin, Squarepusher and Autechre). Became wildly fashionable in the early 00's... the minute electroclash suddenly became wildly unfashionable (see: Chicks On Speed) by marrying the "glitch" with R&B and hiphop. Only to all but disappear a few short years later when it's more obvious cousin "bastard pop" (aka: mashup) suddenly became stupidly popular (see: 2 Many DJs "As Heard On Radio Soulwax Part 2" or Dangermouse's "The Grey Album"). Only for THAT movement to all but die in the arse (see: Linkin Park Vs. Jay-Z) as much as "glitch-pop" never truly went away at all, or EVER became unfashionable... we just never got invited to all their parties (as much as I DID once back in 2004 at Rhino Room and it confused the crap out of me). Or in other words if you're STILL furiously scratching your head there? think any of the following artists and/or albums: Radiohead's "Kid A"/"Amnesiac", Bjork's "Vespertine", Flying Lotus's "Cosmogramma", and the special kind of batshit insanity that could only ever thrive on iconic UK label, Warp. Think clicking, studdering beats, shrill dialtones, eerie 50's B-grade sci-fi synths and even weirder falsetto vocals warbling about over the top of it. Think bucket bongs colliding with red bulls over a few too many hours spent on a SNES. And all that reinterpretted in a slightly more accessible R&B direction...? is Collarbones in one. Which obviously must make both Travis Cook and Marcus Whale the most batshit boring band to watch live if it takes something THAT fucking convoluted to describe them? but they actually aren't half bad for stage presence tonight. And by "stage presence" I obviously mean at least one of them at any given time is doing something slightly more "exciting" with the arm waving, knob tweaking and singing OTHER than frowning at a screen and micromanaging their itunes. In fact they make for quite the lively duo. Travis on the left appears to cover most of the production duties: working his laptop sequencer and a sample pad combo through a kitchen sink of knobbers and tweakers, taking the occassional pause to brush his ridiculously long assymetrical fringe out of his face, only to squint nervously at the grinning jackass who's currently taking photos of him (who me?). But the real head trip here is Marcus on the right who acts as their defacto "front man". And it's not so much for his ridiculous overabundance of energy: in how he's so giddy high strung bouncing off the walls, punching circles and mad grinning it's like he's going toe to toe with an invisible Mohammad Ali and winning; but more his curious approximation of a "singing voice". Duuude IT IS THE FREAKIEST SHIT EVER!! It's like hearing someone sing through all the wild extremes of puberty compressed into 45 minutes, passed through a helium balloon and then processed through one those T-Pain autotune apps you can get on your iphone; it's SO totally wrong it's fucking hypnotic (to the point you swear you can't get enough of it) and it's definitely what saves this band from being little more than a trainspotting obssession for 4chan trolls to fap over whilst freeze framing sex scenes in Japanese schoolgirl manga (wait... is there any other kind?). Yup that's Collarbones. They've got a pleasingly off-kilter sense for melody, an intricate origami carcrash composition that engages on more than one level and a curiously extraterrestrial grasp for the damn near accessible; so as much as it might seem like the very definition of hipster wank too? at least you don't really need to "pretend" to like it.
Of course in saying all that I've obviously failed to mention any of the songs they might have played tonight, as to be honest not only couldn't I find a setlist to photograph so I could pretend I was being all "knowledgeable" and shit (aaah the laziest live review trick in the book!) but short of maybe recognising "Beaman Park"? (off the EP of the same name) the rest of their set was a near incomprehensible (but still quite enjoyable) collage of glitch covers, mashups and remixes: the significance of which was entirely lost on ME as I hadn't spent nearly enough time gouging my eyes out screaming to the Top 40 charts of late so I could appreciate all the "irony". Just like I've totally failed to mention how the audience might have reacted to it either... because, yeaaah well there actually wasn't one *ahem*. I mean it wasn't anything to do with Collarbones I assure you: it was totally Soundwave's fault, or The Fringe Festival! or shit maybe someone called in a bomb threat!? (wuh, who me? nooo I'd never stoop that low; OR WOULD I!?). But still to their credit? Collarbones played this room like it was packed with hundreds, nay thousands of disaffected hipsters stifling yawns and sipping gin & tonics; and not just the eight here I counted including me and the mixer.
But maaan is that Alex Ciaravolo feeling it... duuude he's pinging off the walls!
And yeaaah I know what you're thinking now: this show is a total bust up riiight? it's the headlining act for "Plus One" on a Saturday night at The Ed Castle! LIKE SINCE WHEN DOES THAT SHIT EVER HAPPEN!? (AAAAHAHahAHahAHA hmmm should I really finish that sentence?) and with me writing about it? duuude I don't care how hilariously fucked up that doco was... no band deserves this! (as much as it might seem odd that I'm still giving them a "three star rating" regardless?). But no this isn't me kicking them when they're down, this isn't me laughing it up, declaring it an epic fail and getting my "revenge" on, this is me celebrating nothing short of a FUCKING TRIUMPH!! and by that? I totally mean all two minutes and nine head exploding seconds of what you're about to witness below.... duuude, now that's what I call winning the SHIT out of A FUCKED UP SITUATION!!
Now as much as I would've happily celebrated this mad "triumph" into the wee hours, out in the beergarden: where surely all the hundreds, nay thousands of people who would've otherwise been whooping it up retarded to Collarbones, would've been drinking all but oblivious to the fact The Ed even HAD a band room? (I like to call it the "janitor's closet"). I soon discovered to my dismay that the beergarden was all but abandoned too. Weird! In fact they'd even closed a few minutes shy of 2AM "AND ON A SATURDAY NIGHT TOO!? WHOAAAA FUCK!!". Yup, which possibly explains WHY I ended up at Producers Bar instead (and by "ended up"? I totally mean after a good twenty minute walk to the opposite end of town) taking all these batshit ridiculous photos with Jules here; as much as that really doesn't explain much of anything and I just felt like sharing. Awesome huh!?
And here I am rocking a spastic "emo fringe"... as you do.
Which inevitably leads to Jules skitzing the fuck out over said "emo fringe" (well shit... wouldn't you?). And no I don't have the first foggiest clue WHO that is photobombing us in the background (or why it appears that we're both behind the bar while she's clearly standing in front of it) but aren't we SO thankful that she did? no shit... she balances out the composition and everything!
Now obviously there was a perfectly logical explanation for why we were all here at Producers Bar tonight OR for that matter why none of these photos seem to have corresponding times to them (pfft... but of course we weren't STILL drinking here till five in the morning, THAT'S CRAZY TALK!!). Namely Ride Into The Sun, who played a set here earlier tonight. One which I might have caught the first half of too, when I walked all the way from the west end to see them, despite the fact I'd already seen them play LAST NIGHT (and all in effort to avoid reviewing either East End Villains or Sydney act Guinea Fowl playing at The Ed Castle only to walk all the way back for Collarbones!? oh yeaaah that totally happened!). And then there were rumours circulating that Slash, yes THE Slash from Guns & Roses was going to be making a cameo appearance here after Soundwave (turns out those rumours proved to be false) but as you can see from THIS photo? pfft... the details didn't matter duuude! Because I tell you what: nothing's quite as loud, lewd and downright loose as a live venue BEFORE all the hipsters rediscover it again! Producers Bar? NO SHIT!! this joint was like our own private clubhouse tonight; and I totally have all the photos I dare not publish, to prove it...
