SPOZ'S RANT

THE SHINY BRIGHTS + ...SO YEAH + DROPLET
LIVE @ THE ED CASTLE + JIVE / Saturday June 12th 2010

Hello, my name is Spoz and I am an alcoholic. Yes I know, this may come as a shock to a great many of you.. ok, some of you.. ok, none of you.. in fact I don't doubt ALL of you were thinking at some point or another that I'd own up to all this shit MUCH SOONER and seek out some kind of "professional help" (perhaps in a mental asylum or at the very least in a steady nine to five job, a wife and kids and a mortgage). And yet as much as I may've been hesitant to consider myself an "alcoholic" in the past, I've been nothing but glowing, nay BEAMING with boundless pride, in all that I have accomplished AS an alcoholic. And yes I realise that being an alcoholic has been given a lot of "bad press" and for damn good reasons too! it's broken families, caused countless car crashes, given us David Hasselhoff eating burgers off the floor and the horror upon horrors that is Gary Busey's "acting career". But contrary to all that? I'm here to tell you that I'm far from a problem drinker.. oh no, I'M A DRINKING SOLUTION!! (although not literally of course, because that would make me "wildly explosive near naked flames".. and that's NOT just a clever metaphor!). For I am a proud alcoholic, I am a loud alcoholic, I am a recreational alcoholic, I do it for the love and never for the war! I do it only on weekends, always out in public, never alone, where I can cause the maximum amount of carnage with the maximum amount of people by my side. It has provided me with countless inspiration for a great many things, wondrous things, beautiful things, the least of which being THIS blog (which I think we can all agree is little more than a distraction FROM the drinking). It's how I've made a great many new friends, lifelong friends! friends I've promptly forgotten about, only to make them anew the next week! It's the only religion I've ever embraced as it's been nothing but wilfully disorganised in its "beliefs", and if ever I could teach classes or represent my country in it at The Olympic I would gladly do so in a heartbeat because there's a damn good chance that I could then drink for free.. FOR I AM SPOZ AND I AM AN ALCOHOLIC!!

Aaaah and that felt so good to get it off my chest too! (if it weren't so bleedingly apparent) and as for what ANY OF THIS has got to do with me being at Jive tonight? or why I appear to be nursing a "mild headache" that feels like a "teeny tiny" mammoth is attempting burst free from my skull while a "pissy little" typhoon rages unabated in my stomach? (that's clearly completely unrelated to anything I might have done to it last night) why nothing at all! why do you even ask!? For I'm here for reasons that are completely unrelated to "alcohol", or celebrating, or celebrating the fact that I am drinking alcohol (despite the generous bar tab on offer) because like many others tonight I'm here in the hopes that Matt Hills will be a raging alcoholic himself for his 40th birthday party so then we can take hilarious photos of him and post them on his facebook (because that's what friends are for!). "YEAAAS!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT HILLS YA TUBBYARSE BASTARD!! WOOOO!!" And as for WHO this "Matt Hills" is, and why he appears to be the actual subject for this blog!? I'm glad you never asked! For not only is he Jive's resident mixer and uber producer extraordinaire for such fuck off extreme albums as Wolf & Cub's "Vessels", Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire!'s "Sea Priest", Mr Wednesday's "The Garden Where Parties Grow" and The Keepsakes' "Crocodile Onesie" (quite possibly the most head explodingly awesome album you've never even heard of) but he's also a reigning champion in "Moon Patrol": which I think we can all agree makes him an absolute capital cat to know! Yup this is his birthday cake cleverly designed to look like a mixing desk, not to be confused with the ACTUAL mixing desk which a few of his "guests" have been gnawing in the hopes it was filled with candy.. genius huh? YOU BETCHA, I'm so happy I got invited to this shindig too!

Yup for all those of you who weren't "in the know" (and I usually count myself in that category) this was a private party; only to make it even more awesome this was a private party that came with its very own accompanying password. And no I'm not going to telling you WHAT that password is: because otherwise you could totally invent a time machine, travel here to the past, sneak into Jive and then drink up all of the free bar tab.. oh and there's also the distinct possibly you could trigger some kind of "butterfly effect and/or grandfather paradox" and negate all of existence, but mostly I just don't want anyone drinking my beer *ooops* I mean, OUR beer. Thankfully however free beer wasn't the only thing on offer. FAR FROM IT! There was also complimentary finger food: chips and dip, a fruit platter, followed by pizza (which I possibly ate so much of that I had no room for beer.. GUH, DAMNIT!!). But the real prize dish was undoubtfully the fairy bread. YEAAAS!! I mean just look at all those sprinkles! aye? aaaye!? No really, I don't care WHERE you went tonight, or what you did (or did it to) or even if you got arrested for it.. duuude? YOU TOTALLY MISSED OUT!!

Obviously no party would ever be complete without some "light" entertainment to accompany it, and there was definitely no shortage of that here. For starters we had both Paul "Nazz" Nassari and Ben "Exploding Jewfro" Revi tag-teaming on the DJ decks: the first you might know as former lead singer for King Daddy and as music writer for The Sunday Mail; the second for his near legendary status as a recurring "punchline" for this blog (no need to thank me) and no less notably for his starring contribution to both Humble Bee and Cheer Advisory Council (turns out it's his birthday TOO tonight so we totally gotta get him plastered!). And if that doesn't provide nearly enough shits and giggles? then surely the sight of Matt Hills going beserk with a guitar shaped piñata WILL.

Whoaaa shit, guitars are filled with candy now!? THIS. CHANGES. EVERYTHING!!

But of course the main reason why I'm writing a blog about all this shit is because YES it also featured live bands. However since it was also a "kid friendly" affair (in every sense that reading this blog ISN'T and would likely scar anyone for life under the age of 16, over the age of 45, or under a blood alcohol content of 0.05) and to be honest I was still waaay too hungover from last night this early in the evening to be bothered reviewing them all (would you believe they opened the doors at 6PM!? YOU MAAANIACS!!) I'll be mercifully brief in covering all the usual suspects. Like our second act Cheer Advisory Council for example. For as emotionally stirring and heart wrenchingly brilliant as their live set might have been (as it's always been) their main highlight was actually provided "accidently" two thirds through: when drummer Neil Clark's daughter climbed onto the stage, scampered behind the drumkit to be with her dad, and then proceeded to whack the cymbals towering above her (at haphazard intervals) in awestruck accompaniment. Awwww I know! how could I possibly review something THAT adorably cute with an "objective" rating out of five!?

In a similar fashion along comes Ride Into The Sun: who invite Matt up on stage to do backup vocals for their last song. It's an awesome moment, it's a "warm and fuzzy" moment (especially when their keyboardist Jessica Honeychurch does a heartfelt speech afterwards.. awwww!) and I'm sure as shit not gonna write a review to SPOIL the moment. So instead? fuckit.. here's a video.

And they're then followed by Lyla who close THEIR set by again inviting Matt up on stage, along with Jess from Ride Into The Sun, Mick Armstrong from Jimmy & The Mirrors, and some other guy to whack the cymbals (from who the fuck knows where!?) for a riotous rendition of The Beatles song "Birthday"; oh yeaaah they totally went there and what a mad jam it was too! Yup not since Zeta and Lumonics teamed up at their farewell show back in 2009 to perform a cover of The Pixies "Where Is My Mind?" have we seen such heartfelt sentiment! And if nothing else, it proves that Adelaide doesn't so much as have a "music scene" as have an "extended family" of musicians and music geeks alike, all singing as one. I mean sure it's usually hilariously dysfunctional, rife with petty backstabbings, and you dare not put them all in one room without triple digit fatalities (believe me I know!) but at least here tonight, in this small gathering, in this celebration of one tubbyarse bastard's 40th birthday and how much he means to us *sniff* (damnit I think I got something in my eye) it's nothing but a picture portrait Christmas card and everyone's smiling!

DROPLET (****)
So instead I figured it'd be hilarious to rubbish all the bands Matt Hills is performing in tonight (ie: the first and fifth bands that are bookending the party) so it wouldn't be such a raging "love fest" or at least that WAS my plan until I actually heard them. Bugger! And by "plan" I totally mean it wasn't my actual plan.. I mean c'mon am I really THAT freaking evil!? (no wait, don't answer that!), it wasn't even my idea, someone else suggested it, I couldn't stop laughing over how diabolical it would've been and DAMNIT MATT HILLS, WHY IS IT EVERY FREAKING BAND YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN HAVE TO BE SO DAMN ANNOYINGLY GOOD.. FUUUCK!! Yup try as I might to make fun of his music cause he's such a goofy looking dude (and believe me I haven't given up trying!), short of that brief stint playing keyboards with Kytes Of Omar back in 2008? (seriously what the fuck was THAT all about!?) he's rarely put a foot wrong. No shit! Which brings us to our opening band Droplet. Apparently this was his (first?) band waaay back in the mid 90's, circa 1993-1999 to be exact (give or take a chance reunion or two). They played countless shows in and around their homestate of Tasmania, toured interstate, released three albums, performed live to air on Three D Radio, PBS, RRR and Triple J.. or yeah you know, all the usual malarky people post in their band bios (that's probably making your eyes glaze over right now). Either way if ever you've been to Hillside Studios lately in the past three months? chances are you've alreadly heard Matt Hills high rotate this shit to a mental illness by now (he even snuck in a song for his solo set at The Metro a month ago) so they likely need no introduction. And now, seven years since they LAST played a reunion show (at a Lucksmiths gig back in 2003) they've reunited once more (or at least two members have) to perform for us tonight? sheesh.. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END!? Droplet: featuring Elizabeth Valentine on vocals and guitar; Matt Hills on guitar and backups (and an ipod backin track to ghost the remainder of the band) are a rose coloured timecapsule to a bygone era of early 90's shoegazer. Think equal parts Cocteau Twins, My Bloody Valentine and The Stone Roses mixed in with a little bit of Mazzy Star and Frente!; with sounds drenched in endless reverb, echo and delay and guitars filtered through heavy metallic flangers. It's occassionally clunkingly and innocently "electronic" with all the backing synths and drum machines whizzing about (as early 90's stuff was often want to be) yet equally warm in tone, soothing and utterly disarming; but what really makes it shine is in the angelic vocal delivery. Elizabeth provides an ethereal choir all to her own, both serenely detached and hauntingly effecting (backed occassionally by Matt for the chorus) and it really sells it as more than just wistful nostalgia and something much more stirring in scope. In stage presence both Elizabeth and Matt make for a relaxed conversational duo: their between song banter is riddled with injokes and self depreciating humour (especially from Matt) "how 90's is our sound!? we're so old we've actually seen Nirvana play live ferfucksake!". So much so one anonymous observer quipped they were like Johnny Cash and June Carter up there it was THAT relaxed. But what's most striking in hearing all this stuff now, is that it's so retro it's actually on the verge of shit hot indie fashionable: what with M83, Bat For Lashes, Beach House and School Of Seven Bells ripping the same schtick in spades. So who knows what would happen if ever they brought it back for real? Yup that's Droplet. As much as I may regret saying this out loud, after this gig tonight? duuude I'm damn curious to hear more off their albums. Matt.. care to hook me up?

...SO YEAH (****1/2)
Which brings us to our headlining act which also happens to feature Matt Hills in their lineup: a potential a-grade "stunt casting" move if ever I heard one to scam a shitload of "free" recording time (ie: just like Mayfield scamming Jett Hicks on bass just so they could get their film clips directed by his Academy Award winning father Scott Hicks? youuu shit weasels!) except it's made more than moot here by the simple fact that they also feature the ever infamous Paul "Nazz" Nassari on lead vocals. "WHOAAA FUCK, YOU DON'T SAY!?". Yup as much as I don't dare call this yet another Adelaide supergroup: because let's face it that term's been wildly overused in the past to the point that it's become an exaggerate piss take (I mean c'mon, it's ADELAIDE ferfucksake!) Nazz is truly a one in a million freak of nature for this band, he is a raging beast unique and unrivalled in the Adelaide scene, in fact I dare say he was specifically genetically engineered in a lab somewhere to be the ultimate rock & roll cliche he's THAT shit hot insane! Yup imagine if you will (because believe me the photos barely do him justice) a Frankenstein combination of the following: Mick Jagger, Jarvis Cocker, Jim Carrey, Daffy Duck, Jar Jar Binks and Kermit The Frog; or better yet the resultant lovespawn if ever Russell Brand fucked a chihuahua (and don't tell me he's never considered it) and THAT'S what we're dealing with here.. NO SHIT!! Watch as he ping pings from one extreme to the next covering the entirety of the stage, all bug eyed and grinning, arms and legs flailing, rubber hipped and spring loaded (so much so you SWEAR he has no skeletal structure), pulling more mad shapes than an origami handbook thrown into a ceiling fan; and I'm not even exaggerating! He is a gift to gig photography that just keeps on giving AND GIVING (as you try your very best not to burst out laughing to it) to the point that you actually have to wrestle the camera out of your hands, douse it in gasoline and holy water and set it on fire lest it taunt you in your dreams. And yet as much as the band IS all about him and his intergalactic stage presence (ie: if in reading this review that hasn't already been made bleedingly apparent) it's thankfully more than capably backed by the band around him: featuring the aforementioned Matt Hills on bass, Richard Gohl on guitar (formerly King Daddy) and Travis Williamson on drums (formerly Tyger Tyger and Unspoken Things) who make it so much more than just an hilarious "vanity project", even as much as they practically blend into the background by comparison with their no nonsense demeanor. In sound they're a swaggering combination of countryfried twang and garage rock, equal parts Dinosaur Jnr, Iggy Pop and Ween. Songs alternate between hyperspeed shred and hillbilly barn storming, every one of them a sweeping vista rich in colour and character, with arrangements intricate and articulate as they sweep through a multitude of shifting moods. But again what really sells it, is the near ridiculous lyrics that Nazz throws into them. Almost every one of them is a rock & roll cliche in boy meets girl, boy makes a complete mess of it, boy blames it on girl, repeats the exact same mistake with the next one.. but never without a liberal dose of self depreciating humour to keep it sly and satirical. Being as it is their first gig, Nazz's resorts to sneaking a songbook behind the foldback to provide pointers but he still sells them as nothing but "in the moment genuine", the most memorable of which being a song with the whimsical repeating refrain "what happened to the balls you had last night?" (because yes, he's gotta have a song about testicles). And all in all it's wildly and hilariously entertaining from beginning to end, the crowd are in hysterics and dancing up a storm, and short of maybe Quiet In The Lab! back in April this would easily rank as one of the most impressive debuts I've seen all year! Yup, that's ...So Yeah (the three dots being very much part of their name). They don't yet have a myspace, facebook, twitter, bandcamp, a follow up gig, or even a demo recording to call their own.. but trust me duuude, if this show's any indication? you'll be sure to hear ALL about them soon enough!

12:01AM - But alas all good things must eventually come to an close, and in this case come to a close a few minutes overtime too at 11:37PM (yikes!). Which apparently is a big "no no" at Jive, considering Gosh their main Saturday night attraction always has to start at 11:30PM ON THE DOT no matter how big the touring band or special occassion is (because somehow that rat bastard DJ Craig will always triple the crowds) lest a fullblown riot break out with all the jocks lining up outside. But considering it was a birthday party in honour of their house mixer? yeaaah I doubt it would've been grounds for Tam and her barstaff to bring out the flamethrowers JUST yet. So as all the live bands are hurridly thrown out onto the street and the dancefloor fills up in turn in screaming hysterics and ringing cash registers for yet another wacky installment of Gosh *sigh*, I sneak a few brews backstage to continue celebrating with Matt Hills here, before escaping into the night again. Because as mad as all THIS shit was tonight? there's still plenty more of it yet to come!

Aaaah I really DO bring the best out of people in my photos don't I?

12:29AM - Yup quite like my Friday night before, there were at least a billion and one OTHER head explodingly epic events happening tonight that I was clearly being "blissfully ignorant" of by being at Jive instead (not least of which missing out on Nouvelle Vague AGAIN at The Festival Theatre? GUH DAMNIT!!). And so, in effort to prove to everyone AGAIN just how kamikazingly retarded I am in covering all this shit, I went about seeing just how many of these shows I could catch the tail end of before my night was through (or more accurately before I got too blitheringly drunk, gave up on the whole idea and ended up at Supermild instead). First stop, The Ed Castle.

THE SHINY BRIGHTS (****) myspace ::
Now in arriving here at this "late an hour" it appears I've already (and some might say all too conveniently) missed out on the two supporting acts, both from Melbourne. The first Deja Entendu, a commercial cheese 80's "synth pop" act (that once "allegedly" featured Anthony Wignall of The Keepsakes on guitar.. go figure?) I totally missed out on by accident (and by "accident" I totally mean nobody would ever believe me in the slightest but let's pretend otherwise!) for reasons completely unrelated to that ridiculously "awesome" live video I captured of them July last year featuring their female vocalist Claire Raynor exploding all over the stage like an 80's Rock & Roll Barbie.. YEAAAS!! I mean no shit just thinking about it EVEN NOW makes me cry tears of joy but it's even funnier if you watch the video (AAAAH FUCK I LOVE THOSE FREAKS!!). And as for the second support, Carnation? duuude it's anyone's guess? I only ever reviewed 20 seconds of them back in November last year (as a joke) only this was enough for their publicist to beg me for a full review, only then I figured it'd be much funnier if I "accidently" missed out on them AGAIN tonight. WHY? yeaaah maybe because I'm an hilarious bastard amused by stupid things and I'm just fucking with them (but rest assured this won't be the last you'll hear of them tonight). Still all ongoing mockery aside, it meant little to me in arriving at The Ed just now as I was actually here to see the headlining act: The Shiny Brights. Yup, this was billed as their "last gig for ages" which was more than enough reason for ME to attend.. but not necessarily for the reasons you might think. You see, as much as I can gather they're one of the best live bands in Adelaide (or at least one of the craziest) but what makes them all the more fascinating to ME is that they manage all of it without ever playing any actual songs. I mean sure they make all the right sounds: a loose approximation of vocals, guitars, bass and drums; they make all the right moves: not least of which their lead singer Wolfgang, who bounces about like a shook up can of red bull shat into a microwave; they're a total "shock and awe" campaign in every sense of the term. And yet quite like a mad meal of Mickey D's? give them half an hour at best and you'd be hard pressed to remember just what the fuck actually happened. It used to confuse the hell out of me in the past (not least of which their recent EP launch at HQ), but in seeing them tonight duuude? I've got it all figured out. You see The Shiny Brights are the musical equivalent of an 80's action film, or a computer game (or maybe even a porno!? egads!) all rolled into one. There's no plot, no story, no character arc, no nothing at all to distract you, just NON STOP ACTION EXPLODING IN YOUR FACE from beginning to end (umbrella optional) and funnily enough, as empty as this might seem in theory (and especially on record) it's works brilliantly live. And tonight, even without a new release to promote (and with a prevalent vibe that's a little more subdued from the usual "daffy duck head explosion") they're no less potent in flicking all those proverbial pregnancy kits from blue to pink. Of course I realise this doesn't say all that much "in detail" about their set tonight, and so I took a photo of their setlist thinking that would help. It didn't. For the most part it was a total blur, complete and utter chaos, with two songs at best coming to mind, but only after much prompting. The first "Not Too Old" was as brilliantly psychotic as always, possibly the most coherent song in their entire repertoire. While the second was a cover of the Yeah Yeah Yeah's "Date With The Night" that was thrashed so psychotically in kind that I didn't even recognise it until halfway through. Such is the diabolical power of The Shiny Brights to fuck with your mind. They played, they conquered, they slaughtered everyone in the room; and granted it might be mindless as all fuck.. but it still got the job done!

But of course in mentioning all the antics on stage, we're leaving out half the story with all the antics happening OFF stage. I mean sure tonight's vibe might've been a little more "subdued" than normal (at least compared to many of their recent shows), but only as much as there wasn't the ever present threat that all of my teeth were going to get knocked out through my eyesockets. Yup as much as they might have been lacking in crowdsurfers every five minutes to lick the ceiling tiles, and exploding human shrapnel all over the foldback speakers (I know, it's almost as if they were dropping the ball on this one aye!?) there were still plenty of knuckle dragging pissheads climbing up on each other's shoulders to sing along badly in the choruses (which is a lot easier than you think: since most of those choruses merely consist of little more than single syllable vowels being shouted out in retarding regularity) and more than enough people to pack out the band room to capacity: which in the case of The Ed Castle band room, comes as no small victory!

And yet for a seasoned "gig photographer" like myself, the real appeal in coming to see The Shiny Brights again and again has got nothing to do with all the audience participation exploding around me (or even the "music" that somehow inspires it all) but more to do with the opportunity to capture photos of their lead singer Wolfgang pulling the weirdest, craziest most retardingly insane facials you could ever imagine, only to top it all in the next shot. And tonight when he leapt into the crowd for THIS award winning photo? OOOH SHIT DID WE JUST HIT THE JACKPOT OR WHAT!?

1:29AM - Still as wildly "entertaining" as it has been in the band room tonight, it rapidly evaporated soon after. I mean sure there were still some people I knew floating about the front bar and in the beer garden. But since most of them were "friends" that added me on facebook to clock up their high score, only to never acknowledge my existence in passing (aaaah dontcha just love that shit?), and all the usual A-Z of the fashionably flighty giving the stink eye.. there was fuckall to work with. And so as I decided what next to do with my night, I figured I might take a browse through The Ed Castle's "Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame" and see if any new inductees had arrived. Yup if ever you've been here in the past two months you'd probably be more than familiar with what I'm on about here, and probably even spent a lazy minute playing "trainspotter" with it. You may've noticed the portraits of Caitlin Duff, Dave Williams and Josh Flavel from Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire! hidden in the mix (it sure as shit freaked THEM out when they first discovered it). Just as you may've discovered the glaring lack of Thom Yorke, Thurston Moore or other such critically acclaimed artists in favour of cheesy shit like George Michael, Neil Diamond, Meat Loaf and La Roux. Just as you may've ALSO noticed that every few weeks or so, they throw in a few more.

And now at long last.. not only have they added Maynard James Keenan from Tool, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails, Brian Molko from Placebo and Steve Malkmus from Pavement (as well as Caleb Followill from Kings Of Leon, Robbie Williams formerly from 'who seriously gives a rat's arse' and freaking Kate Perry!? *groan*) but more importantly, and possibly thanks to me screaming hysterical expletives about it pretty much every time I've walked in here.. THEY'VE FINALLY ADDED THOM YORKE!? YEAAAS!! IN YOUR FACE LADYHAWKE!! Yeah, yeah! I know I love to mercilessly make fun of The Ed Castle, especially in recent months (hi Anika!), and yes it took them freaking long enough to do it but the very fact they finally did THIS? is enough to win me over again; you dudes are alright with me! Now hurry up and put Ian Curtis from Joy Division up there.. sheeesh!

1:37AM - But alas all that still only "entertained me" for about five minutes or so, and now I had nothing left to amuse myself with short of flicking lit match heads at the door bitches out front and running before they discovered who did it (except clearly I never do that, and have nothing but the utmost love and respect for all the beautiful people who "happily" oblige in scamming me in for free each week AAAAHAHaHAhAhAHAhAHA *ahem*). And so stepping out into the front bar once more I take one lazy look around, casually notice someone from the corner of my eye waving frantically by the DJ booth, retaliate without even looking by shooting a photo off in their general direction (thinking it's probably just one of those nitwits from The Touch) finish my beer and then walk out the door. And it's only hours later flicking through my camera that I then discover that not only did I get a photo of Alex Cameron, former guitarist from The Dardanelles here but I also got Johnny Mackay from Children Collide!? Yup just another "crappy night" at The Ed Castle aye?

1:56AM - Yup obviously I had other things on my mind, and it obviously involved yet ANOTHER event I'd be kicking myself over if I missed it at The Metro (I know riiight!? it's like I gotta be fucking everywhere at ONCE this week!). And no it had nothing to do with the bands that were playing (the ever infamous Angelik for one and some fartarse band called The Hi-Topps playing in support.. whoever the fuck they are) as clearly all that shit had played out hours ago. But more to do with Laken Smith (Angelik's lead singer) organising all this shit and inviting all her fuckup friends (me included) to help celebrate her "Dirty Thirty" birthday party. And where the fuck was I already!? staggering blindly through the cold to get here at the very last minute THAT'S WHAT!!

Only by the time I arrived, everyone else had already left.. FUCK!!

2:09AM - And so to hell with it.. I just went straight back to The Ed Castle.

2:26AM - Thankfully while I was busily driving myself insane from The Ed to The Metro and back again (would you believe it only took me a twenty minute round trip to achieve all that!?) a few familiar fools had started filtering in from Jive. Namely Stefan "Blobby" Krcmarov and Sammy "Salvator" Bruno from Lyla who figured the most exciting place to be in The Ed Castle tonight obviously had to be the pokies lounge, but only because everywhere else in here tonight was boring as batshit (so boring in fact I can't even come up with a punchline for it? FUCK DAMN!!).

And no before you ask Sammy DIDN'T win anything in this game, he's just easily entertained by wacky sirens and flashing lights (and no really WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE STILL DOING IN HERE!?).

2:36AM - Yup it's a sorry state of affairs when you end up at Supermild this early. Of course you could also claim it's a sorry state of affairs to end up at Supermild IN THE FIRST PLACE (I mean fuck duuude.. don't I know any other slightly "less lame" places to go to at the end of a night!?) but since I've bought so many "shares" in this joint over the past two years that I'm practically part owner *burp* (scuse me) I don't have to listen to your shit anymore. We got a basement bar, Ruby Chew, long necks aplenty and a shitcrazy DJ with dredlocks with his very own geostationary orbiting weapons platform. What the FUCK have you got huh? street cred!? pfft.. I laugh at you!

3:43AM - Still in arriving this ridiculously "early" tonight and with none of the usual fashion tragics in attendance (aka: the kind of familial freaks you tend to accumilate in the hospitality industry after years of heavy drinking past the hour of four in the morning) I was more or less left to my own devices. And by "devices" I mean quite literally as I ordered up a long neck, found a quiet corner to myself and spent the next hour or so deleting countless dud photos off my camera in studious silence. A studious silence broken only by random passersby who blurted out "hey.. you're Spoz right!?" only to engage me in all manner of utterly insane (but hilariously informative) conversations that I dare not repeat publically here (as quite frankly I don't want reveal anything incriminating that might get a whole lot of people arrested). Either way.. long story short? an hour later I'm already onto my second long neck and instead of deleting photos I now feel stupidly compelled to add a whole lot more of them.. like this waste of bandwidth here. Awesome huh!?

3:54AM - Yup we've clearly crossed a well documented "threshold" here. Between being of sound and sober mind and not taking FIFTY BILLION FUCKING PHOTOS that will later come back to haunt you when you feel compelled to provide whimsically insane captions for each and every one of them (because let's face sometimes they're too freaking awesome not to publish) and being so skull rapingly out of your mind that you'll pretty much shoot anyone and anything that happens to cross your camera lens. Still all things considered? this one actually looks disturbingly shit hot.

4:00AM - And just as I predicted earlier, after spending all night cleverly avoiding them at The Ed Castle (for no other reason than I thought it'd be hilarious to make a recurring joke out of it) Melbourne band Carnation manage to make yet ANOTHER appearance in Spoz's Rant, without ever actually being reviewed by Spoz's Rant. I know, some bands really do get ALL the luck don't they?

4:07AM - This is Griffy Griff, aforementioned "shitcrazy DJ with drecklocks with his very own geostationary orbiting weapons platform" (it hovers over the EDS building on North Terrace arbitrarily disintegrating munted clubbers leaving Electric Circus.. or so I've been told) who's only purpose for posing for this photo is because he's looking to brag about his skull fucking dope "Robocop" t-shirt. And hell if you had a t-shirt anywhere NEAR as dope as this shit, wouldn't you?

4:12AM - Moments later I duck into the toilets to take a piss, something that wouldn't normally warrant its very own commentary, if it weren't for the fact that I bumped into Ben Brew on the way out: wondering out loud why he hasn't been making any drunkarse appearances in Spoz's Rant lately (or at least not since the infamous "beer gut" incident of October 2009: which we all vowed to never repeat, EVER AGAIN). In response I told him that he simply wasn't doing anything sufficiently "stupid" to warrant it, and that maybe that was a good thing. In response he came up with THIS.

4:14AM - In walking out moments later, I make the tactical blunder of not putting my camera away. This isn't because people would find it all too weird (and perhaps a little disturbing) to see someone leave a toilet with a camera in hand laughing their arses off: as most of these "people" read my blog now and are more than accostomed to my warped sense of humour (and for the record? YES we did totally stage that infamous photo I got of Anthony Wignall three months ago, and NO it didn't need all that pixelation) but more because of ambush attacks like THESE lying in wait by the stairwell. "FUCK!!". To their credit however? at least they made it kinda "arty" for me.

4:18AM - Aaaah there's nothing quite like a mock "family portrait" is there? especially if it's the kind of family portrait that's liable to make small children burst into tears if ever they looked at it the wrong way whilst Sigur Rós is playing in the background. I'd also like to point out that the inclusion of Jock Jacob here in ANY photo instantly makes that photo at least 37% more awesome. For proof, you merely need to see THIS (he also makes "appearances" in music videos too!).

4:21AM - Yup clearly I'm long gone now, I've checked out hours ago and yet I'm STILL taking photos!? Why didn't I delete them? why am I still publishing them? why am I still writing? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF ABOMINATION HAVE I UNLEASHED!? dear gawd I've lost my FREAKING MIIIND!!

4:25AM - Yes her name is Lucy and no I've got no idea WHY she's appeared in this photo all of a sudden but yes she IS French, or perhaps she's Swedish (or perhaps she both!?), and yes I DO find it kinda awesome that's she's glowing all serenely white like that and perhaps she's not of this earth or perhaps it's just my camera's spazzing the fuck out at random here.. WAIT, THAT'S IT!! I'll totally fake out a malfunction, tap my camera and make frowny faces like the battery's gone dead and then I'll run like hell for the exit! AAAAHAHAHahAhAhAHaHA EAT THAT YA BAAASTARDS!!

4:43AM - Or at least that WAS my plan until I found myself here all of twenty minutes later, utterly mesmerised by this Marlboro packet floating in the urinal, laughing myself stupid. Which not only reinforces the theory that yes I WILL photograph pretty much anything in front of me when I'm waaay beyond drunk (no shit!), but also reminds me of that time I found that toothbrush floating in the urinal last year, and it was there for two weeks straight, and there's even this guy I know from all that, except I keep forgetting who he is, and he keeps having to reintroduce himself as "that toothbrush in the toilet guy". I mean no shit, how completely fucking random is that!?

4:47AM - And as for this wheelie bin I stumbled upon soon after, up chucking its contents all over Currie Street in such a wildly celebratory style? Well firstly: how fucking awesome does it look? NO SHIT!! it looks so stupendously lush that I so totally wanna pack all my junk up and move here (or at least if it weren't for the fact it'd likely be bollocks for a wifi connection and I'd be hard pressed to find anywhere to plug in the toaster). Secondly: before you ask it totally wasn't me, I didn't do it and it was like that when I got here. Thirdly: I lied, I might have moved one of the coffee cups two inches to the left (try and guess which one!). Fourthly: I mean seriously duuude if it WAS me? I totally would've dragged everything out into the middle of the road, set it ablaze and filmed taxis playing "chicken" with it till the cops arrived. Fifthly: wait.. where the fuck was I again!? Oh yeaaah waiting for my last bus home! And to think I'm gonna be doing this shit all over again tomorrow night for yet another fucked up album launch!? Oh maaan I'm SO gonna be screwed!

Yup anyone can be an alcoholic, it really doesn't matter if you're young or old, male, female, sasquatch or miscellaneous all it takes is an oesophagus and a funnel and you're good to go, but it takes a true artist to do it in style! Obviously I can never claim to be one of those, in quite the same way that I can never claim to be photographer with a compact camera, or a writer with a blogspot, but I can still I fake it with the best of them. It's all about surfing the extremes and never touching the sides. It's all about balancing the equation with two raised thumbs and a shit eating grin (even when your eyeballs are floating out of your ears). It's in knowing when to duck and when to weave and when to occassionally stir. Some are born into it, some acquire it by accident, others are probably better off getting into base jumping, but it's never too late to learn. They're out there even now: artists, musicians, bartenders, scene freaks and geeks of all illbient occupations and chaotic inclinations. They're easy to spot in a crowd, they're the life of the party and they're here to help: for an a-grade alcoholic assassin should never be served up anonymous, heinous, homogenised or pasteurised but synonymous with a fucked up night worth repeating.

Previously on Spoz's Rant: The Battery Kids + The Killgirls + Radio Star