The Adelaide scene: to many of you it may be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctional splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
THE BATTERY KIDS + THE HONEY PIES + ALPEN LIVE VENUE LAUNCH PARTY @ THE LIGHT / Saturday July 24th 2010
As many of you might know all too well: Spoz's Rant is well worn premise. A "well worn premise" that's been fine tuned and tweaked like an obssessive compulsive disorder, over many MANY years of mad binge drinking, sleep deprivation and next to nonexistent freelance employment (thinly disguised as a "running commentary on the Adelaide music scene") to present to you, shaved ape with a web browser, with the very epitome of live music this city has to offer, without ever having to leave the house to experience it for yourself (and thus you'll never know just how wrong I've gotten it). In other words? I've clearly been killing myself for nothing here, you're all ungrateful slobs and I secretly hate you all.. but I digress (as much you hope I'm being sarcastic). Yup every week for the past five years, I've published a blog, sometimes two (sometimes more) of my binge drinking exploits. Ones in which I've pretty much run the exact same schtick over and over. I'll go to Jive, I'll go to The Ed Castle, I'll go to The Metro blah-di-blah whatever-the-fuck and "hey look it's the Jade Monkey!". I'll rant a whole lot of hysterical drivel on some live bands you'll likely never ever give a shit about (well this IS Adelaide afterall). I'll take hundreds of photos, half of them likely featuring exceptionally shitfaced scensters, hipsters and many of my fuckup friends mistakingly believing they're "celebrities" (and disturbingly enough with all the readership numbers I'm getting lately? they likely ARE too!), and then I'll hit Supermild for reasons I've never quite established, except to say I always go there because I have a "raging mental illness" for it. THE END. Now what I find most perplexing about this shit (and why I still like to think it's the greatest practical joke I've ever perpetrated on the wider public) is not only have an increasing number of you nitwits chosen to read this crap each week (and actually found it entertaining and/or informative!?) but I've also managed to find thousands of different ways to write what is essentially the "same shit, different smell": the same venues, the same bands, the same scensters, the same tired old jokes over and over, and NEVER run out of shit to write about.. "HA HA HA DUUUDE THAT'S MESSED UP!!". Yes I know! Which is why I'm ever so OVERJOYED that I'm going somewhere "different" tonight.
Yup this is "The Light" on Light Square. Formerly known as The Colonel Light, Jimmy Rowes, The Heritage, "whoaaa shit I just got stabbed, shot at, pissed on, molested by a metrosexual douche in an Ed Hardy shirt, some homeless aboriginal is setting fire to my shoes and heeere comes the ambulance!" and a sure sign as any that Spoz has completely lost his fucking mind for even suggesting this crap in the first place.. except I swear I haven't! because some genius has actually decided to open a brand new live venue here and THIS is its opening night. Awesome huh? YOU BETCHA!! And before you laugh that shit right back in my face again? let me remind you that not too long ago we might have had similar doubts about "The Edinburgh Castle" on Currie Street being a live venue (so much so it's reopening slogan for two weeks running was: "we're the new Ed Castle, we're not gay anymore but we're still happy!") AND LOOK HOW FAR THEY'VE COME NOW!!
Still I'll admit it's been a looong time since I've been here (or at least since I'll admit to it.. as yes it's been a bit of a shithole). In fact the last time I even REMEMBER seeing bands here was waaay back in late 1999, back when it used to be called The Heritage. It was upstairs, all the walls were painted black, they had two stages: one inside, one on the balcony, these ridiculously awesome black leather couches which we used to drag from one end to the other, we had the maddest times laughing ourselves stupid here.. I mean what was not to love? yeaaah except the whole operation went south a few short months later (for reasons I dare not go into) and then all the live bands got relocated to Breakers Pool Hall (yiiikes!), then it reopened as a "Top 40 Toilet" (aka: Jimmy Rowes), only to enjoy a brief "renaissance" with all the freeloaders in 2006-2007 when it offered $2 schooners and cheap spirits between 8PM and 10PM on a Friday night (aka: The Colonel Light), only to be largely ignored by the live scene ever since. And now tonight? OH IT'S BACK BAAABY!!
And walking upstairs just now? it's amazing to see just how much everything's changed. I mean sure they've still got the "same shithole different paint job" running DOWNSTAIRS banging all that asinine Top 40 "doof doof" club crap that knife fights get started over, but this right here maaan? this is like a breathe of fresh air! I mean everything about it is just so white and shiny and squeaky clean; it's freaking awesome duuude! and I don't know what the hell they're thinking with it, as it'll surely be covered in all manner of hilariously suspect stains in next to no time (especially if they ever invite The Touch to play here.. eeeeee!) but it's a real nice change of pace from all the increasingly "oppressive" hipster haunts we've chosen to frequent for the past eighteen months; in fact everything about The Light here seems to suggest it's the very antithesis of evil. From the wacky checkered dancefloor under our feet, to the plentiful bar stools around us, to the raised platform up back (with their comfy white couches, wall sized mirrors and oversized pot plants.. yes pot plants!), to the large open windows overlooking the balcony and all the colourful ambient lighting!? WHOAAA.. WHAT THE HELL KINDA MAGICAL WONDERLAND HAVE WE UNCOVERED HERE!?
And as for who we have to thank for this shit? well that'd be Jon Wignall here (bass player for 20th Century Graduates and The Keepsakes) or at least he's one of a team of co-conspirators who just so happened to "accidently" stumble into frame right now (go figure?). He's their resident band booker, his father is part owner (met him tonight, right barrel of laughs he is too!), and as for the rest of them? well shit duuude I only just got here! I barely know more than YOU do, but from what I've seen so far? they're off to a good start. I mean did I mention pints of pale here are just $5 at the bar!? HA HA HA screw The Ed Castle maaan.. I'm so dragging in my shit and I'm moving in!
And now that I've acquainted myself with the bar? lemme take you a quick whistle stop of the facilities.. starting with the live stage. Admittedly it's a little makeshift at the moment (as they've only just set it up in the past few hours). The front of house and foldbacks are loaners from Billy Hyde (before they bring in the permanent PA next week?), they've dragged in the omipresent Matt Hills at the very last minute to get the mix sorted, and as much as he's done wonders? yeaaah it's hardly the best I've heard. It's all edges and no mids, there's a gaping big dead spot from front of stage to about five metres back (as the front of house is only coming out of a set of uprights spaced far apart) and yet still with all that being said? the stage lighting is FREAKING AWESOME. I mean it's wildly unpredictable, it changes about a billion colours in the space of a minute, it's probably just a loaner as well.. but for a rock photographer? duuude it's like "Christmas" I swear!
This is the balcony, or at least a teeny tiny section of it, as it is FREAKING MASSIVE. You could easily pack a hundred here (give or take how much weight it could actually handle.. but it's easily twice the size of The Crown & Anchor's) and with its polished floorboards and weather proofing? duuude it's as luxurious as it comes. There's more than enough space to install a second bar, plenty of barstools, chairs, couches, tables, benches and gas heaters. Or in other words if ever you're looking to "kill yourself with lung cancer"? you couldn't ask for better than HERE to enjoy it.
This is the backstage area.. also on the balcony, only it's a partitioned section off to the west end (and from a rough estimate about a quarter of the size?) but again it's ridiculously luxurious. I mean just look at the size of this shit it's fucking dope: and what with all the lush furniture? the fresh air? the glass coffee table? (from which The Honey Pies are totally not snorting lines of coke?) I mean have we just stumbled upon the maddest hookup in the Adelaide CBD or WHAT!?
And if ever there was any doubt remaining that this is the awesomest head explodingly insane shit we've ever encountered and we might never leave this place ever again (or at least until downstairs discovers that weird "smell" and comes to hauls our still grinning corpses out?) then check THIS out: a massive plasma screen off to the side of stage playing nothing but SpongeBob SquarePants episodes? I know, I totally wish I brought me a spare pair of pants too.. BEST. LIVE VENUE. EVER!!
TODD SIBBIN & THE OPPOSITE ENDS (***) myspace :: Which brings us all giddy and exciteable to our opening act (completely unrelated to the fact that pale ales are just $5.. OOOOH SHIT YEAH!!) as much as THEY'VE unceremoniously stumbled on stage just now and awkwardly mumbled their way through the launch of tonight's "inuagural show" on the microphone, but pfft.. who the hell cares as long as we're getting rubbishingly shitfaced at the bar? Yup this is Todd Sibbin & The Opposite Ends all but disappearing into the background, but to their infinite credit still making the most of it either way. As such I assume "Todd Sibbin" here is the overly fidgety/dressed in the dark scruffball guitarist in the middle. The "Opposite Ends" you might recognise as Tom Capogreco on the left: solo artist, Dance Til You Can't Say Yeah co-conspirator and occassional violinist for both The Keepsakes and Oh My Guard!; while Tom Krieg on the right you might recognise as the bass player for The Battery Kids, far too many drunken appearances on my blog, and one of those hilarious "window lickers" you see on the afternoon 177 bus into town that screams unintelligibly with a cricket helmet on his head (and I dare say he's all the better for it!) and in combination they form this rough and tumble blues & roots band that we see on stage tonight. The sort you'd find populating all manner of seaside carnivals, wine and cheese festivals and The Austral frontbar on a lazy afternoon.. but yeaaah not necessarily in a bad way (just as this is me totally not stifling a yawn right now). Or more accurately think of them as a loose combination of Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals, John Butler Trio, Mumford & Sons and maybe a little Simon & Garfunkle and you'd be closer to the ballpark. Todd swaps through a dizzying array of slide guitar, acoustic and banjo to colour their compositions, while Capogreco and Krieg back him up with frenetic violin and double bass accompaniment. The overall feel is one of upbeat and blissfully shambolic "goodtimes", and it's this vibrant grassroots energy that very much saves them from being little more than surf & turf wallpaper ensemble. Todd proves to be the most entertaining in projecting it (at least for photographic purposes) by pulling about a billion fucktard facials in the space of a minute whilst attempting to perform; like he's some kind of exciteable geriatric fumbling his way through an Xbox 360, arms and legs gangly and exaggerated grimaces; or better yet like a CGI animator's "wet-dream" between The Jim Henson Creature Shop, Weta Workshop and whatever the fuck kind of Satanic force were responsible for spawning Jar Jar Binks (egads!). And arguably YES he's "totally losing his shit" like that: as thanks to a littany of teeny tiny "sound issues" and the crowd all but drowning out what's left? he's practically "miming" the entire performance on his own tonight. I mean for one there's that ever present rumble that appears to be feeding back from Krieg's double bass (and not in a good way), then there's that subtle "doof doof doof" from the Top 40 Toilet downstairs seeping into all the silent gaps.. and combined with the PA dead spot from centre stage to about five metres out? yeaaah it's a bit hit and miss (but again it's only a hire system running tonight, so this situation will likely improve in subsequent weeks). Still on the plus side the audience is soaking up all their "goodtime" vibes like a gleeful sponge, couples are dancing up a storm out front, everyone's feeling all kinds of "warm and fuzzy" so it's rather hard not to like it. Todd Sibbin & The Opposite Ends. Probably not the best night to see them, but from what little we got of them? yeaaah we can just as easily give them the benefit of the doubt. Light up a spliff, spread eagle a beanbag.. duuude you'll be sure to love it.
ALPEN (**1/2) myspace :: Which speaking of "benefit of the doubt'" here, brings us to our second act. A second act who were last minute replacements for Lyla (who had to pull out for a DJ set at The Ed Castle), most likely weren't performing at their peak tonight (and the hire PA probably wasn't helping matters either), or in other words: "yay it's Alpen! they're just like Cliff Richard impersonating Kyuss, only without all the personality!". Except wait, I can't be THAT guy can I? OR CAN I!? No.. no, I can't be that guy. As despite ALL evidence to the contrary I'm not here to be a harsh critic tonight, I'm not here to be an arsehole! pfft.. it's just not what I do! I mean sure I DO love to crack jokes here, I live for cracking jokes, HA HA HA DUUUDE IT'S ALL I EVER DO!! but I'm not here to be needlessly cruel about it. Because I know full well that I'm gonna have to face Alpen AGAIN sometime soon, I'll be standing there grinning like the prize jackass that I am, and to be honest? as much as they CAN be the "diet coke of 70's psychedelica" (even at the best of times) I don't know whether lead singer Chris Bateman will want to throw a punch at me, give me a bear hug or burst into tears if I say anything too critical about it. No if you really want to see a "warts and all" perspective on Alpen, read what fellow blogger "Underdale Facepalm" had to say about them this week: I mean he was such an hilarious arsehole about it (shit when isn't he? it's why we tune in!) it was actually "eye opening" to admit how much I was laughing in agreement with him. And the reason why I haven't been writing the same thing myself? is because I'M NOT THAT GUY. It's true.. ask anyone, I'm easy to please! So I've given this band the benefit of the doubt, time and time again. And I'm STILL giving them the benefit tonight but I'm damn near running out of excuses to "sugar coat it". You see Alpen are an ok band, they're a likeable band, it was an ok set, they had some nice moments you can pull shapes and space out to it, but there's just something missing here, it's weighing them down and it's getting more obvious the more I see them. I mean on the plus side they're accomplished musicians, at times they're even borderline "brilliant" at what they do. Chris their lead singer has the smoothest of smooth crooning vocal registers (perhaps a little too Eric Clapton for some but he sells it well), he rips the shit out of his guitar chasing his own tail, he's got all the moves. Just as Lachlan Tanner on guitar is giving it all he's got in the solos. And the rhythm section in both Andrew and Tony Marshall forms a more than respectable bedrock in weight and momentum to carry it forward. Just as every song here has more than its fare share of wild and wooly guitar riffs, solos and breakdowns, especially if you're into that whole 70's psychedelic schtick (revivalist or otherwise) and that spanish number they do? it's total freaking madness! I mean they truly DO have the potential to be an awesome live act.. but there's STILL something missing here. And as much as I can gather it's the "whitebread" composition that they couch everything in, it dilutes all the colour, the character and the quirks they're coming up with, it just bleaches the vibrancy out of everything they do! Maybe they're just playing it safe, maybe they're just writing songs "by committee", maybe they just don't have the confidence yet to follow it through (or maybe we just have to piss Chris off enough so it'll inspire him to greatness!?) but it's definitely holding them back from being more than just "elevator music with the volume turned up" or the Adelaide equivalent of Audioslave. But hey I haven't given up on them, I'm still patient, they've only been around for what.. a year riiight? there's hope for you yet Alpen! Sometimes a band has to kinda "suck" before they can truly succeed. Sometimes it takes time to find your potential. Take Radiohead's first album for example.. kinda lamearse right? AND LOOK HOW FAR THEY'VE COME!!
THE HONEY PIES (****) myspace :: Which by no segue whatsoever (hey look it's Tony Marshall again.. what are the odds of that!?) brings us to our third act tonight. One which I think we can all agree have never been anything short of ridiculously, head explodingly, "ZOMG I think I need a pregnancy kit because I swear my eardrums got well fucked", candy coated awesome. Even when they spent an entire year doing absolutely shit-fuck-all after their "triumphant live debut" at Rhino Room back in December 2007 only to be all but forgotten by the Adelaide scene until 2009. YEAAAS! BECAUSE THAT'S HOW FUCK OFF ASTOUNDINGLY A-GRADE THEY ARE!! (wait is that me being sarcastic and/or ironic right now? pfft.. of course not, I freaking love these guys!). Which isn't to say that they're entirely without fault here, far from it! In fact the last time I saw them live at The Grace Emily: they rather neatly illustrated everything you could ever do wrong on a live stage (HA HA HA and then some!) and yet STILL manage to bullshit your way out of (just like Houdini I swear.. those rat bastards!) but when they DO get it right like they did tonight? duuude they're a hard buzz to beat! Yup this is The Honey Pies and this is easily one of their "better shows" tonight. Not just because lead singer Jon Marco managed to play through an entire set without breaking a single string on his guitar (no mean feat mind you: he usually breaks at least two or three, never brings any spares and Tony Marshall has to cover his arse on HIS guitar) but also because I was sufficiently drunk enough by this point (thank you $5 beers!) to be blissfully unaware of most if not all of the major fuckups they might have otherwise incurred (aaaah Alpen.. if only you'd swapped places huh!?). I mean granted their live mix was still leaving "a little to be desired" (as much as Matt Hills was working a miracle and a half with a large blunt rock and a pair of pliers). And for at least half of their set someone had "accidently" unplugged the stage lighting on the left hand side, leaving me swearing profusely as I attempted to get all my shots in focus (until it eventually dawned on me that I could just as simply plug it back in again as it was "just by accident"). But obviously this made fuckall difference to how The Honey Pies sounded and I'm simply venting. As for the most part.. this was a band returning to that all too ironic boast they made last time at The Grace Emily: "we've been recording in the studio all week so we'll be extra tight!" and actually following through with it.. NO SHIT, tonight they were on fucking fire! They played every song in their setlist twice as fast, twice as ferocious and at least six times more howlingly frenetic, they tore it a new one from head to toe (but never quite so chaotically that it ever fell apart on them) and it was the maddest shit ever! The crowd (especially all the fangirls flocking to them) responded in kind by going completely beserk on the dancefloor. And before too long it was practically spastic "Beatlemania" in here; only admittedly on a much much smaller scale. Familiar songs like "Fool In Love", "Sex Wax" and "Bossanova" proved to be the most popular with everyone present (for bleedingly obvious reasons that they were the most familiar and clearly I was just waaay too drunk to remember much else, ooops!) but they also tested one or two relatively new songs to much raging success. They worked an impromptu performance of "Sold My Soul" with both Jon and Tony harmonising on vocals, while their bass player Tom McCarthy-Jones ducked off to the toilet; the fangirls kept requesting their popular cover of Andy Williams' "Moon River" only for Jon to shoot back with: "only if you get us all to 3rd base" (which sadly they never followed through on) and overall there was never a dull moment to be had, it was whimsically rife with their wry sense of humour, how can you possibly go wrong!? well this time I dare say you couldn't! The Honey Pies. Word is their debut album's coming out in November, and if tonight's set is any indication? duuude you'll totally wanna get in on it.
12:08AM - Now in saying all that about The Honey Pies tonight; and admittedly it didn't say all that much (wait.. did I mention the $5 beers already?) I might have also conveniently left out one teeny tiny "detail" that rather neatly segues into our headlining act. You see for the past few months there's been a bit of a "feud" brewing between The Honey Pies and The Battery Kids. Nothing serious mind you.. more a "Brian Jonestown Massacre vs The Dandy Warhols" jokey kind of thing, but it's been brewing netherless to the amusement of many. Now I only caught wind of it myself the last time The Honey Pies played at The Grace Emily, only to totally fuck it up and tell everyone they were "The Battery Kids" to cover for it; but what the hey I figured I might encourage it.. so I published it. The Battery Kids obviously read it, wondered how they might "retaliate", and in the middle of The Honey Pies tonight they finally found their chance. While Jon Marco was giving away free copies of their demo (and all the fangirls flocked to the front to collect them) Tom Krieg from The Battery Kids slipped innocently by and swiped a copy, only to accidently drop it in the men's urinal while he was taking a piss (hmmm yes.. "accidently"). Only for every subsequent pisswad stumbling in here to piss themselves laughing when they saw it (pun very much intended) and use it for target practice. Awesome huh!? TOTALLY!! which is why I had to take a photo of it.
12:22AM - And just to remind you that yes we really ARE dealing with the most "mature minded people" here, and I'm clearly not excluded in any way shape or form by encouraging it (especially not if you saw that youtube I posted on Sunday before common sense got the better of me and I removed it *cough*) here's a little sticker I found moments later fixed to Bowl Lipson's keyboard from The Battery Kids. Hmmm. Was it a retaliatory strike on behalf of The Honey Pies? did Bowl Lipson put it here himself for random shits and giggles? or did The Honey Pies fabricate the whole "feud" to begin with, as little more than a publicity stunt, including the whole "Tom Krieg dropped a demo in the urinal" thing, and it was actually Tom McCarthy-Jones who planted it in the first place during "Sold My Soul"!? WE MAY NEVER KNOW! but it makes for such a fascinating story doesn't it?
THE BATTERY KIDS (****) myspace :: Which brings us to our headlining act tonight, who clearly need no "glowing" introduction from me after all that (as much as I'll continue to give you one anyways, simply so I can shovel more shit on them.. weeeeee!), as we probably understand a little too much more than we'd like to now JUST where their true "genius" lies. And if you still need a hint here on where it is? simply picture a few positions to the left on the "Ascent Of Man" evolution chart, a fish bowl aquarium with a capsided "floater" in it, or a low gurgling sound activated with a push button and you'd be just about spot on to what we're dealing with here (or at least as far as their bass player is concerned.. Tom Krieg, aaaah what a legend!). And as much as that SOUNDS like I'm making a grievous insult to their "intelligence" (and yet if you've heard their music? it's not like I'm being entirely inaccurate) I actually like to think it's one of the BEST THINGS ABOUT THEM. No really I'm dead serious.. it's why I keep coming back for more! For as far as I'm concerned here The Battery Kids are elite artists unequalled at making loud, dumb, brightly colourful and theatrical music. They make music to get rubbishingly shitfaced and throw yourself around a room to. They make the ultimate "kamikaze falafel" to cause yourself a late night head injury. Or kinda like the "rock opera" equivalent of Art Vs Science (yeeeouch!) only slightly less annoying mixed in with Muse and Silverchair. And I think it's fair to say in following that most of the crowd here tonight have very much met the minimal blood alcohol requirement to actually "enjoy" this shit and they're loving every damn minute of it. HA HA HA DUUUDE ARE THEY EVER!! (no seriously check out the video it's pure freaking hilarity!) And as such I now have a confession to make for pretty much everything you're about to read. I have no "live review" of The Battery Kids tonight (or even less than normal). I don't remember a fucking thing. My mind is a total blank! All I have is a setlist, hundreds of photos (that seem to indicate lead singer Shannon Juvan's dyed his hair back to brown again) some video footage and the rest is an absolute blur! I mean usually I'd keep notes on my phone, I don't have any. Usually I'd remember something, anything to crack a joke about, but I have nothing! I AM COMPLETELY FUCKED!! And yet let's face it: if ever we needed a "glowing endorsement" for The Battery Kids tonight? this would be it right here. For them THIS is mission accomplished. As short of all the awesome photos and video I somehow accumilated (and believe me it's a miracle I managed to get any of them in focus!? YAY ME!!) I got so skull fuckingly obliterated making an absolute dick of myself on the dancefloor (and then some) I completely forgot to document any of it! WOOOO!! I mean I know for a fact (or at least I assume it's a fact from the setlist) that they played "Ghost Town", "Red Light", "Zombie Dance" (apparently the same song all those "zombie girls" danced to at their album launch), "The Real Monster", "Ancient Curse", "Nail" (I think that was the new one), "Truth" (or maybe it was this one!?), a cover of Roy Orbison's "Crying", "Waiting Until The End Of The World" and finally "Underneath Her Skin". I've got video that shows a packed dancefloor full of hooting, screaming, faeces flinging imbeciles (with Tom Krieg on a wireless bass ducking and weaving throughout them) and I know full well I was one of them AND THAT'S ALL I GOT (short of a hideous hangover the next day that I very much deserved). It was total carnage, it was total chaos, I mean hell.. what more can I say? The Battery Kids!? let's totally do this again sometime!
1:18AM - With the show all but over tonight, or at least I THOUGHT it was over; I mean I had the foggiest recollection of being at all points of the universe at once, all the colours strobing, my mind swapping places with an infant in a hamster bubble and then.. oh wait, wasn't that the closing scenes of "2001: A Space Odyssey!?" (maaan I so gotta stop referencing hallucinogenic shit like that when I'm too drunk to remember anything). Either way I soon found myself at the mixing desk: surveying all the hilarious carnage that'd unfolded before me, wistfully proud in everything I clearly had no hand in accomplishing (because clearly my mind had "left the building" hours ago). Aaaah it's moments like these we truly live for ain't it? breathe in it peeps! let that "new venue smell" waft sweetly through your nostrils! and is that just the faintest whiff of urine!? aaawesome!
1:42AM - A few too many trips to the bar later (and wait did I mention that..? oh nevermind!) I somehow get ambushed into one of those lame "photo opps" that seem to always happen on my nights out beyond the point my blood plasma could be effectively substituted for a high powered explosive, cough syrup or disinfectant; so I effectively can't say "no" (and yet would you believe I almost never get colds or flus? whodathunkit!?). Now obviously I've long since forgotten who "Señor Moonface" is with the soul patch on the far right, struggling to sneak into frame (aaaah but don't you wish he did!?). But I DO recognise that one in the middle as none other than Jon Donaghy. He's a part time anaesthetist and flight traffic controller, breeds pedigree hamsters for show (and milking), likes long walks through Toys R Us, is prone to random acts of knife violence, keeps a novelty poster of Benito Mussolini in his toilet and is largely a fictional construct from out of my head. Awesome huh!? TOTALLY!! Now where DO they keep those fire extinguishers around here!?
2:54AM - And speaking of fire extinguishers, or putting fires out, or flame retardants or yeaaah I think we know where I'm going with this.. I figured a status update might be in order on our soon to be infamous "Honey Pies demo in a dunny" debacle. As it's here I soon discovered that not only had someone since flipped the demo "sunny side up" in my absence, but I've also interrupted someone (who's description totally doesn't match that of "Tony Marshall from The Honey Pies") making a solid gold contribution to it (except of course we ALL KNOW it's him, those are totally his shoes and he's not fooling anyone). Oh yeah, you're so glad I posted it on the internet aren't you? DON'T LIE!! THIS IS SO THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR WEEK NOW ISN'T IT!? Yeaaah ok I'm creeping everyone out, I've gone too far.. aaand we're moving on (but not before I shoot me some video).
3:18AM - And so, just to put your "mind at ease" again (and yes I'm so very VERY sorry and I promise you it'll totally never happen again, or at least not until we can score a spare copy of The Battery Kids album.. weeee!) here's some photos of me backstage attempting to build a pint glass tower; because YES clearly this's of vital important to your deeper understanding of the Adelaide music scene and you'd be totally lost without it (and don't you just know it!). And while I'm at it? I also like to point out (and not without a small measure of pride mind you) that not only was I wise enough to use those empty beer jugs as a support base for said "pint glass tower" but I also managed to possess the fine motorskills to balance all of this like a "symphony orchestra" whilst simultaneously lacking the fine motorskills to walk in a straight line without falling arse backwards off the balcony and into oncoming traffic. Still if it's any consolation? if I did end up doing that I'm sure nobody would bat an eyelid downstairs if I picked myself off that proverbial car bonnet again, brushed the broken glass off my battered and bruised body, crawled up those stairs and continued drinking.. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME IT IS TO BE AT THE LIGHT TONIGHT!!
3:25AM - Yup I think it's fair to say in this photo (clearly unrelated to any of the previous photos you might have seen tonight), that we've truly christened this place in style. OH HOW WE EVER!! From all the live bands to the mixer, to Jeremy Lake (from 20th Century Graduates and The Keepsakes) doing his DJ set (which admittedly involved little more than spinning the "Garden State Soundtrack" in shuffle mode with a few Radiohead tracks thrown in for good measure.. but it was STILL ridiculously awesome all the same!), to the crowd packing this place out to the ceiling, to the tireless barstaff and security fueling their self destructive tendencies a few shades short of a fullblown riot (and let us not forget the ever watchful eye of SpongeBob SquarePants) FUCK DUUUDE WHAT A NIGHT!! And wait.. we're still celebrating it at this late an hour, and it's STILL open!? Maaan this joint just keeps on giving! who's up for another round at the bar!? WOOOO!!
Now obviously this wasn't the end of the night, not by a long shot! I have the foggiest recollection of leaving The Light fifteen minutes later, staggering blindly down Currie Street and Clarendon, only to pause briefly before Hindley slapping myself silly into mock "sobriety", bluffing my way past the bouncer at the entrance of Supermild, only to fall down that flight of stairs for a loud crash landing at the bar for a long neck bottle or five (or perhaps it was just a stubbie) but pfft.. clearly all that doesn't matter here duuude! Not when we've witnessed the birth of a shiny new live venue. Not when we've witnessed a moment in history! And until it invariably becomes a trashy indie dance club frequented by fashion nazis and no talent buzz bands (who.. The Touch!?), only to become a gang banging hiphop club fuck full of UV black lights, only to play nothing but techno, only to become a proverbial crack den to shoot up heroin in (or better yet a "Top 40 Toilet" you can totally get your drink spiked and date raped in), only to be condemned as a death trap and fire hazard, only to reopen again as a live venue; let's hope this night is only THE FIRST OF MANY! YEAAAS!! Here's to you The Light! May your reign be long and proud! May your aim be bold and true! For without new venues like YOU to spice things up in this city? I'd surely go completely fucking mad!
