The Adelaide scene: to many of you it may be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctional splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
LIKE LEAVES + MORALS OF A MINOR LIVE @ ED CASTLE / Saturday December 20th 2008
It's all about choice. I find it helps to remember that shit sometimes. As much as I've conjured up a nightmare of my own creation; I choose to be here. I choose to do all this shit out of my own free will. I choose to be "that guy" and to live this insane lifestyle that you read each week. I even choose the name "Spoz": both as the signifier and its befuddling cipher. It mystifies, it confuses, it bugs the crap out of you. Many have tried to guess my real name in the past. I'm Batman, I'm 007, I'm Dr Who, I'm a figment of your imagination. I've created this myth that gets more hilarious with every retelling. I'm clearly fucking insane. I make the rules, I define the world in which I live, I can come and go as I please, I have my finger on the trigger. It's how I've written this blog all year. It's why I choose to start writing THIS episode now on a Tuesday night so close to Christmas day: when I've had all of two to three hours sleep, wired on caffeine and holding my eyelids open to make sense of the nonsense I string before me. I do all of this shit because I love it. It's the only way I want to live. And yet through my choices there are also consequences. It hasn't always been easy. Everything has its own cost. I bury myself in my own work, I don't have a personal life, I dig my own grave, I am the architect of my own assassination, I hand them the bullets everytime I write. I chose this over a nine to five job, I sure as shit don't make any real money; but I don't care! It all about choice. I've made mine. This is where I want to be. It agrees with me in every which way that it shouldn't, it will show me the way. I'll find the means, I'll carve my own career path, I'll walk the earth like Kung Fu. I'll go from place to place, get into all manner of idiotic adventures. There's so much more to see and do! There's so many more stories left to tell, so many more colourful characters yet to discover! I'll be the very antithesis of the nine to five wageslave! I'll be everything rock & roll should be. One of God's own prototypes: a high-powered mutant never even considered for mass-production. Too weird to live, too rare to die!
And when you live the antithesis of a normal life, when you swear by it, when the sun and moon dance and weave different patterns through your skies, when you live for the weekend and the nine to five between dusk and dawn feeding upon the laughing fools that dwell within it; there is no place better to cater to your quirks quite like the Ed Castle tonight. You'll find freaks just like me here: we're the artists, the writers, the poets and the musicians. We've all chosen our own unique path through the forest, some of us don't even have paths yet, many of us still live up in trees smoking kaleidoscopes of leaves, twigs and berries and swim on mad frequencies way beyond the electromagnetic spectrum that your five senses are yet to fathom (they scare me a little but they're awesome all the same!). There is no definition of insanity here, we all create our own reality, we make our own choices, we commune with the infinite. Through our music and our madness we will find the maps to guide us. These are the means and memes in which to live our lives. This is our inspiration, our inebriation, our endlessly renewable energy source..
Which brings us here to the fateful return of one of its more infamous acolytes of ages past: Morals Of A Minor. They've taken a strange journey to get here, stranger than most, they've made some weird choices, their history (especially on this website) has been one of colourful extremes We met years ago in the field of battle. It was back in July 2006. Back then they were quite simply one of the WORST live bands I'd ever seen in the Adelaide scene (back then many of you would've happily agreed with me). There's been plenty worse since, don't get me wrong (don't get me started!) but there was something singular about the sight of their lead singer Surahn Sidhu: him prancing about the stage with his spastic afro, his disco shirt, and his stripey tights thrusting his knob glaringly into the spotlight that burned itself into my memory for ALL the wrong reasons. It also didn't help that Nick Du Bois their guitarist had a malfunctioning amp who's only setting was "sibilant ear bleed". In their "best moments" they sounded like every reason to hate Wolfmother, they were a total trainwreck and OOOOH MAAAN did I love to rip shit into them for it!
But if ever there was a band to do a complete 180 on me, it would be this one. As it turns out they read that review. They laughed themselves silly, printed it out, stuck it on their fridge in their rehearsal room and they proceeded to prove me wrong. To their infinite credit they could've sought violence but instead they chose sweet revenge in the very best way possible: by making me eat my own words. Sixth months after that fateful gig they were well on the way to becoming one of the BEST bands of 2007. Sixth months after that they released one of the BEST albums of the year: "Questions And Answers". That album fucking killed it in every single conceivable way and it still kills it: it's a masterpiece of rock & roll excess and self destruction to very this day. They were like all the best bits of U2 back in the early 80's, back at their most brutal and raw. The heat and the energy of their live album: "Under A Blood Red Sky". Songs that sounded just as incendiary as "Sunday Bloody Sunday", "New Years Day" and "I Will Follow". They were Bono's shrill voice and punching fist. They were a call to arms. And combined with the 70's excess of Pink Floyd's "The Wall" at its most paranoid and The Police at their most infectious they were everything a rock band should be: sex, drugs and a fiery corpse shot dead into the heart of the sun. Triple J went freaking nuts for them. They were destined for big things. Then sixth months later they chose to move to Melbourne instead only never to be seen again (damn!). They all soon chose different career paths. Sid ended up here booking bands for the Ed Castle. Tony Mitolo their drummer went on to bigger things as Pnau's touring demolision expert. Whilst Jed Smith on bass and Nick Du Bois on guitars simply disappeared into a life of nine to five, wage and worry (or at least as much as I'm aware of). It was a strange way to end a story that could've been ever so much more insane and it was a story that always made me wonder in its epilogue: what if they ever chose to return?
MORALS OF A MINOR (*****) myspace :: And finally we get to answer that very question, as more than a year after they "broke up", they've chosen to return here to The Ed Castle tonight. I wouldn't call it a comeback, I wouldn't call it a reunion, I wouldn't call it once-off, I wouldn't call it anything (or qualify it by any means) as quite simply I don't want to jinx this shit. Oh no! Suffice to say, through otherworldly means we can't quite fathom (or whatever the fuck Lady Strangelove are fashioning out of bat guano and smoking in effort to see into the future these days), they've chosen to manifest themselves in this dimension tonight; and through fluke or chance we're lucky enough to witness it. "Morals Of A Minor!? shit daaamn maaan it's been too long!". It's insane I know! We never thought this day would ever happen. Still, there was a lot of hype to live up to. We were expecting a LOT. Who's to knew if they could actually deliver? As brilliant as they were back in the day it's been more than a year since last they played ANYWHERE. A year in this music scene is a lifetime (especially if you write a blog about it), a LOT can change to throw off that dynamic they worked so hard to perfect. Simply the act of Sid shaving off that afro could fuck everything up (or at least give me some easy ammunition). This could get ugly, this could go either way! Worse still, when I bumped into Tony Mitolo the night before; he also told me that this morning would be the first time they've ever rehearsed in over a year. They're late to the stage tonight. Everyone's asking me where the fuck they're hiding. There's a sense of rising tension in the air. Ooooh crap I can't bear to look!
And then they jumped onto the stage and just like we hoped, they fucking killed it. There was no doubt about it. Two or three songs in we fucking knew. They were back. This was Morals Of A Minor microwaving our innards, atoms boiled, dried husks, white ash and our shadow dancing and burning shapes into those walls around us. This was an apocalyptic gravitational force that bent time and space, contorting our faces into chipmunk grimaces moments before our heads burst like balloons. This was the most psychotic, take no prisoners, explosion of heat, noise and energy we'd ever hope to find on a teeny tiny live stage; short of standing ground zero to an atomic bomb blast wielding a teeny tiny cocktail umbrella whilst wearing nothing but our birthday bits whistling in the breeze. It's Sid on vocals bouncing off the walls like a superball shot out of a cannon, like a spastic cockerspaniel yelping, like a kid on fifty redbulls following it up with a china white chaser. It's Tony Mitolo on drums like Animal from the Muppets, like a boxing match, like he's stuffed into a tumble dryer, like he's Aphex Twin sped up to speeds that'd flatline a hummingbird. It's Jed on bass making a mexican wave out of our intestinal organs, one giant blitzkrieg brown note after another grilling us like a gatling gun. It's Nick Du Bois on guitar cutting into blood, bone, and forming a shower of gristle out of anything that was still left standing. Only one rehearsal and THIS is what they unleashed!? SHEEEIT!! I quite simply can't fuck with this on any level. Granted if only Sid would've grown a goatee tonight I could've pulled a "You Don't Mess With The Zohan" joke but that's it! (and a desperate one at that). I've got nothing on this maaan.. absolutely nothing! I bow to their insane brilliance. I am so not worthy to be standing in their presence tonight. I will renounce all others, sell all my earthly possession and wander the earth as a penniless waif..
Still I know what you're all thinking, you're reading between the lines, you're waiting for the punchline, the sly wink and the sarcasm; but I ain't shitting you here! This isn't the same "Spoz" from last week writing this whimsical gibberish for your amusement, this is the new "Spoz" they called in to replace him moments later (we have a temp agency now dont'cha know!). The last one quite simply couldn't take this shit no more and exploded out there. At the rate we're going, if we get any more gigs anywhere near as volatile as THIS shit anytime too soon we're gonna be swapping meat shells around like you skip songs in an ipod. Still all is not lost, we did manage to recover SOME footage from his blackbox flight recorder moments before his camera burnt up in re-entry. The first I captured is "Flower" off their Questions And Answers album: otherwise known as the most awesome fuck-everything-that-moves bassline you'll ever hope to hear..
And the second here is this b-side, simply called "Halfway There": otherwise known as the trigger happy "bankrobbing jam" where Tony Mitolo drummed so fucking hard and fast out there that he broke a terminal speed barrier or two, appeared at all points of the universe at once and the skies rained cocktail shrimp for three days. Yup, sometimes we can count ourselves lucky that this may very well have been just the ONE gig and they'll surely NEVER repeat this shit ever again. Could you even begin to imagine if they ever staged an ACTUAL comeback!? No I think not.. don't even joke about that shit. We've gone through four or five "Spoz's" already. Don't make this a sixth!
LIKE LEAVES (****1/2) myspace :: And then quite to the surprise of just about everyone in this room (or more accurately those who came soon afterwards in Hazmat suits and geiger counters to scrape all the blood, bile and semen off the walls.. yeeeouch!) there was a still "headlining act" to follow. FUUUCK! I don't know what Morals Of A Minor were thinking when they planned this shitstorm tonight (although apparently I'm told they thought it too "pretensious" to headline a gig if they'd been absent from the scene for over a year.. pfffft you idiots!) but here we are regardless: Like Leaves on a stage, covered in plastic sheeting (accompanied to the gentle sounds of hoses, flamethrowers and vacuum cleaners cleaning up all the mess) and wondering just what the fuck hit them. Still as counterintuitive as any of this shit may appear to the casual observer (although not entirely unfamiliar to anyone who's ever gone to Producers Bar after a Friday night of Syke) there may have been some inherent logic to this plan. If Morals Of A Minor were the white hot sound of meat flying off your bones after a few too many rounds "chasing the dragon", Like Leaves would be the sound of the barbeque bringing it right back to you again. Yup, there's something altogether soothing about these sounds both delicate and savage that satiates hunger at its most primal level. As much as there's words, beats notes and rhythms here; there's also elemental vitamins, minerals, starch, proteins, oils, fibres and carbs cascading out of their compositions. They're imperceptible to the ear but they're readily absorbed by osmosis all the same. You could feed off this shit for weeks. They're nothing short of a four course meal and Like Leaves have spent all year perfecting this recipe. They're three master chefs brilliant in their own right. Ryan Manolakis (drummer with Mr Wednesday, BrotherSister and Cookie Baker), Patrick Saraceno (bass player, vocalist, Rocket Bar's house mixer, producer and solo artist) and Daniel Varricchio (guitarist, vocalist, mixer, producer and solo artist). And to top it all off they're also joined by the infamous Juliet Hunter (bass player, vocalist and one third of Artax Mission)!? FUUUCK! To most these names wouldn't signify much of anything but to those of you familiar with the Adelaide artrock scene: duuude you'd be salivating like crazy!
Like Leaves. Like any feast before them (whether it be audiovisual, olfactoral, tactile, culinary or a combination of all five verging on the synaesthesic) are a study of contrasts: day and night, black and white, checks and stripes, chalk and cheese, oil and water, church and state, vodka and orange; and how they come together to find an otherworldly peace swirling in the bottom of your glass (where logic would otherwise dictate you rapidly finding peace in the bottom of the porcelain screaming a shower of noise) quite like the insane contrast it is to see Frodo Baggins, Gimli the Dwarf, a Nazgûl and 80's rocker Joan Jett joining forces to perform on stage tonight. They make the impossible happen. All throughout their set I collected these polar opposites like fortune cookies and laugh myself retarded. They make the insane happen. Like Leaves. They're mathematics meets the mesolithic. They're Sonic Youth meets My Disco. They're prog meets zen. They're bucket bongs playing a game of Pong. They're Helmet meets Hare Krishna. Granted most of what I've just said probably sounds like nothing more than gibberish (I mean shit.. what else were you expecting at the tail end of a year I've chosen to live!?) but they open up doorways of perception quite like no other in the Adelaide scene. There's an intangible ease and a volatile ferment here that brings all the universe into harmony. They're the stem cells with which all internal organs can regenerate. A strange brew, a rich stew and one that only but improves with each listen. This first taste I have on offer here, is a mad jam ironically called "Fruit"..
And for those wanting a second offering, you're in luck tonight. You can also feed to your heart's content with this: A Mars Volta meets Josh Homme's "The Desert Sessions" piece, called "Swordfight". Like a rotating pig on a spit, like a well tossed salad, like all of the above fought over with forks by circling buzzards. Watch out for these gnomes, wizards, witches, and warlocks come 2009: if you thought this was nuts? duuude.. wait till you see what they do with dessert!
4:09AM - Thanks to the madenning spectacle tonight that was me being pulled apart limb from limb by Morals Of A Minor, exploded to all points of the compass only to be reassembled piece by piece by Like Leaves again (and given a tiny serving of chinese green tea to boot); there's a subsequent three hour blank spot to my memory. Who knows what the fuck I did in that missing time. All I do know for sure is that I find myself here, outside of Supermild, exactly where I always find myself at this time of night on a Saturday: only with all my clothes on back to front, a notebook filled with my own mad hieroglyphs and diagrams (I believe they're engineering blueprints of some kind!?) and a freshly laid egg. I'm hard pressed to find the significance in all this shit but I'm pleased all the same. I couldn't have chosen a better outcome if I tried. I fold the notebook into a small cube and stuff it into my back pocket (oops, I mean front pocket!), smash the egg into the face of the bouncer standing before me and I walk down those stairs..
4:20AM - Still, for all my choices I'm beginning to see the consequences around me. It's true what they say about the whole butterfly effect: one tiny insect flapping its wings in Manhattan CAN cause hurricanes in Tokyo. No one's actions are truly insignificant, we all have flow on effects that oscillate and interract in the atoms around us to form tidalwaves that can overturn centuries of adopted thinking. Sure we can just as easily dismiss all this shit as one of those Godzilla sized butterflies that all those wacky Japanese keep inventing in between mad hits of wasabi and saki, but I'm seeing the parallels. I'm seeing the writing on the wall, I'm reading between those lines, I'm finding that humour, I'm also pretty certain they've spelt "graffiti" wrong but it's there all the same. Hmmm.. whatever I'm causing out there is yet to catch up with a spellchecker it seems..
4:31AM - It only gets all the more disturbing the minute I stumble out of the toilet and make the mistake of wandering into the beer garden. Nothing good ever comes from wandering into the beer garden at Supermild. You think those weirdos out back of the Ed Castle are fucked up, this is a whole OTHER level beyond that. It appears they know of my work. I could've sworn only three to four people ever actually read this shit but beyond my perception there's a whole movement growing out there, a cult, a mad mob of torch bearing lunatics all chanting my name as one and following me wherever I go (no wonder I can never get to sleep at night!). They've come to see me as their spirit monkey, their good luck leprecaun, their matyr complex that just keeps on coming back at the end of every episode like Wile E. Coyote to chase that roadrunner. I don't know WHO the fuck this dude is and I swear we've never met but I'm beginning to understand just what Oppenheimer must've felt. WHAT THE HELL FUCKING SHIT HAVE I CREATED OUT HERE!!?
4:36AM - Pupils to pinpricks I ran screaming and flailing back inside to drown myself at the bar: a non too uncommon sight in the Adelaide music scene of late. I believe some out there are even beginning to sell tickets now: "come see Spoz lose his fucking mind, make an appearance, and he'll blog for you four days later!". This may explain why it was next to impossible to move in the Ed Castle tonight. It may also explain all the crowds here in Supermild. Just as surely as it's probably just summer; but it's ALL my doing!! I'm the master of puppets now but someone else is pulling my strings. It's me outside of my own body floating and laughing. It's shit like this that almost makes me want to quit drinking altogether. I know it has a magnifying effect and tends to exhaggerate things: but ALL around me too!? FUUUCK! I've developed some kinda über freaky superpower in this scene (it wouldn't be the first time either). I'm bending physics like a pretzel, Reality is a balloon pissing out air and flying faaar away. Isn't that right Brett, crazy xmas tree guy invading my shot here at the very last minute? oh yeaaaah! you fucking know it!
4:48AM - Deeply disturbed by my influence upon this mad mad world erupting around me, I make hasty exit from Supermild; giggling, dribbling and howling all the while as I burst out that door. I'm running down Hindley Street. I'm seeking the last late night bus and the FUCK out of here. "There's no place like home! There's no place like home! WOOOHEHehAhAHAHA!!". Only to stumble into THIS shit in the car park behind Jive. A mad cacophany of honks and howls echoing the instability flowing out of my fractured mind like waves. Who knows just WHAT they're doing out here!? Are they transmitting thoughts to alien motherships floating above sight unseen? messages of peace? dope cookie recipes pulsing deep into space by binary or morse code?
5:16AM - I seek solace in the solemn stoner's circle that magically sprouts before me like a cloud of mushroom spores in the dark. Weird.. where the FUCK did they all come from all a sudden!? Perhaps I summoned them, perhaps I'm imagining them (one wonders how the fuck I captured them on camera then!?) but they're here all the same just when I needed them the most! YES! After much hysterical flailing, waving and wild gestures from me pointing this way and that they explained in very simple terms, words and concepts (most of it unfathomable in english but quite possibly transmitted telepathically) that immediately put my illbient mind at ease..
5:19AM - I watched the moon and the stars swim their patterns overhead as if in timelapse. I watched as the sun slowly rose in the east. The slow fluttering of leaves in the light breeze of pre-dawn was altogether soothing, meditative and enlightening. Here I was so caught up in the microcosm of chaos exploding around me that I failed to see the bigger picture. I can choose to be anywhere. I choose to be here. From just the right angle it looks pretty damn awesome. What was I ever so worried about in the first place!? I can switch this shit on and off like a tap!
5:38AM - I thanked the stoner circle for the gift of perspective, for showing me the way through: only to realise they weren't here in the first place and somehow I'd found myself close to home (fuck damn it's freaky when that happens!!). I'm all the more wiser now, I see things as they are, as they could be, they're all superimposed as layers and dancing as one. I'm also feeling a little light headed and in some serious need of munchies at this 24 hour servo here.. weeeird!
It's all about choice. It helps to remember that shit sometimes. I chose this journey from the outset, to see and document it all. From dusk till dawn. From January to December. I wanted to see the complete picture, all fifty two weeks of the year comprehensive, and in some way understand it all. I never thought I'd become a part of it. Sometimes I want nothing more than to escape from it, to burn it all to the ground laughing but I created this mad trip; it's my own to keep and to spread so that others may follow and lead. Choice has its consequence, butterflies flap their wings. They change the channels with which you both see the world and the world reflects right back at you, flickering mad shapes into the static, a feedback loop that echoes in an infinite different ways. This isn't the beginning, this isn't the end; there is more yet to come!
LADYHAWKE + THE TOUCH + FEMME FATALES LIVE @ ROCKET BAR / Friday December 19th 2008
Bereft of all our wealth and our wits, we as a species are pretty much fucked. You know it, we all know it, we've known it since birth: small, pink and innocent, screaming into the abyss. It's in our biology: we have no poison, claws, fangs, horns, spines or armor plating; we have no natural known defences. We succumb so easily to disease, injury, old age; we can never run fast enough. We dream about it nightly: naked and unknowing, exposed to the elements, cowering in the corner while everyone around us laughs. We are alone. We are afraid. We are powerless. We are shaved apes shot into space exploding out into the infinite. Still all is not lost, we all have our means to survive and thrive, and by the time that we're adults most of us will have become experts at hiding our weaknesses. It's what we do best. We accumilate an arsenal, we build walls within walls, we become specialists, scientists, artists, architects and assassins at it. We form groups, cliques and strict codes of conduct; we alienate all opposition. We wield knowledge, power, social status, a well stocked wardrobe, weapons of mass destruction and words mightier than swords. We are onions: peel us at your peril, it'll only make you cry. For me it's my sense of humour attacking all others with glee and deflecting you from the laughing stock I've become. It's the mad faces I pull on camera. It's my mad persona, my pseudonym, my predilection for fiction projecting you far away from my increasingly fragile sanity. It's me writing paragraph upon paragraph of such beguiling gibberish right here and now that you'll soon forget I'm more than one hundred episodes in and I've simply ran out of things to say. We're all guilty in our own way. It's our small measure of control against a world grown increasingly chaotic: reality by deception, lies within lies, dog eat dog, defamation, defaecation and territorial pissings. Sometimes I wish I could do away with it all, shed my shell and float as nothing but pure energy but we all make do with what we can..
And it's through these very same fears that scenster haunts like these will surely mock you. You all know them, every city has one, we all loath them just as surely as we wish we were a part of them: it's Rocket Bar on a Friday night! Its featureless black walls and teeny tiny sign will greet you, followed by a girl with a clipboard, a bouncer and a needlessly long line. You will be weighed and found wanting but somehow they'll let you in anyways (just this once). You'll feel that no matter how many times, even if you've gotten your name on the door, that your entry is still conditional. Bowing and scraping you'll ascend those three flights of stairs into a room purpose built for self loathing as much as it's there to entertain. You don't belong here. You wear the wrong clothes, listen to the wrong music and don't nearly possess the fine androgynous bone structure that distinguishes you from the "master race" now disowning you with nothing but a cursory glance. Impossibly indie, fashionista, art nazi, A-list sycophants, it's all the above. You'll bullshit your way through regardless. It's just like highschool. It's the years you've spent building those high walls around you pulled right under you like a rug. You're better than all this, you're laughing it off all the same but deep down inside of you it still bugs the crap out of you.. baaastards!
Admittingly this feeling isn't always so pronounced, most of it's just in our heads and after a few too many beers it's all but forgotten. We have our differences and our many disagreements but there's so much to love about Rocket Bar: the stage, the lights, the sound, the comfy couches, the touring acts they attract (all second to none), that cute chick behind the bar they just hired who's way too ridiculously happy to be there (fuck she's awesome.. someone give her a raise!) all these things make me smile. I keep coming back for nothing less, just like I've come back tonight expecting more of the same. It's an abusive relationship I know but it works. Tonight however they're really out to get me, they're out for blood. I can feel it: the paranoia, the self doubt, the numbers stacked against me, the way my skin crawls and screams for me to flee before it's too late. This is what Rocket Bar does best, this is me wishing I was never born, and as much as I pride myself in the fiendish efficiency in which I dispatch my unwitting victims each week and splatter them all over this page: this one truly has me on edge and cursing the worst..
For tonight Rocket Bar, worshipping upon the almighty altar this is Modular (that which has sustained so much of their alienating über chic all this time), have summoned a once-in-a-lifetime touring act for us in a venue oh-so-small. One with which to blind and amaze us for their Friday night of "Abracadabra" and make us feel oh so unworthy. You know her from her work with with Pnau and Teenager. Triple J's been enslaved and enthralled by her all year long. NME recently announced her as the sixth coolest person on the planet in 2008. They build them up, they reel me in hook, line and sinker; and I do my utmost to take the fuckers out. This is what Spoz's Rant lives for. This is a trophy kill like no other. This is Rocket Bar removing all the tables, chairs and couches (clearly just to fuck with me) so they can exploit liquor licensing and fit another 60 people in. There is nowhere to run, there is nowhere to hide: oooh fuck is this shit gonna get ugly!
Still it could be much worse, as much as this venue's packed to the ceiling full with people we'd happily stab in the back the minute the lights go out, we have it easy! Imagine being on stage, out in front, alone and outnumbered, and playing a tune to this crowd instead? FUUUCK! Imagine exposing yourself, your heart and your soul to every one of these fashion tragics judging your every move!? Imagine if you completely fucked it up out there? Imagine if that's all they talk about the next day? (or worse still some dickhead goes and publishes a blog about it?). That white knuckled terror, followed by a thin yellow trickle, a small puddle and you dying a little inside? Imagine no more for tonight we're about to witness it all as it unfolds before us! YEAAAS!
FEMME FATALES (***1/2) myspace :: Stage fright. Everyone has their own unique strategy to cope with it. A stiff drink, a pull of the bong, a few games on the Nintendo DS, or maybe just a quick piss on the bar at the Crown & Anchor (if recent rumours are to believed over what Dick Dale from Kamikaze got upto recently *cough* and no you didn't hear it from me) but in the case of our opening act tonight they do one even better: they simply live in sweet denial of it! You can see them out there, flapping their arms about, glassy eyes, goofy grins, idiot savants lost in their own little world of boxes within boxes, nu-rave, thrashing factory presets, pulling shapes. They're completely oblivious to what the crowd's doing out there: "crowd? what crowd!?" which is rather apt as the crowd for the most part is completely oblivious to them too (oops!). Yup, this is the Femme Fatales giving their all and then simply vanishing without a trace (awesome dudes.. glad you could make it tonight!). At their best you'd hope to find this band anywhere else but here, twatted out of your skull at 3AM whilst a forest of glowsticks explodes around you with the volume turned way up. Here however they've truly got their work cut out for them. This crowd ain't giving them an inch; which is a pity, as despite my long standing joke of calling them the "three point fives" (ie: for the score I always unvariably give them every other time I've seen them live: and it appears I gave them again tonight? YEAAS!) they're actually starting to write some solid shit now. Dang.. whodathunkit!?
Femme Fatales. Ever since their inception there's been no mistaking their signature sound. They're a band of right angles, tetris blocks and screaming square notes into round holes. Think the Klaxons, Crystal Castles, Digitalism and Muscles. Or merely think of everything else that is awesome (and equally annoying) about nu-rave, french electro, aliens, Atlantean pyramids, mythical neon beasts shooting fire out of their nipples, you shouting "ZOMG WTF! LOLZ! LASER BEAMS!! LASER BEAMS!" aplenty as you punch fists through a wall and your brain wave activity dropping below that which would operate a single blinking diode. It's also not too uncommon to find yourself waking up after one of their shows missing most of your teeth, glowing bright pink and green, shaved head to toe and halfway up a tree. Many of you familiar with Parklife or Future Music Festival can probably relate to all this shit (maybe there's a group session they can all go to now?) or maybe you can't relate to much of anything but thanks to the awesome power of their music you can now pick up the Cartoon Network through your wallpaper. Awesome. Still thankfully they're also developing some added depth to their sound too. It wouldn't go as far as to call it "maturity", but it's there all same, it's a promising progression. You can hear it in the slow grooves, the low vocal, the loping breakbeats and a sound not too dissimilar to Fischerspooner, A Place To Bury Strangers and the spastic happy pants of Big Audio Dynamite: or better yet you can simply get it in this new song simply entitled "Boy". Sure the crowd didn't quite get it (I think maybe two clapped at the end) but it sure as fuck had me buzzing of it all the same!
THE TOUCH (***) myspace :: Stage fright. There is that, then somewhere waaay off in the opposite end of the scale (doppler shifting well beyond that at which gamma radiation exists) there is THIS band. Their strategy is simple, as much as I suspect they have no strategy in the first place and they're simply being hilarious dickheads out there. We've all seen it in action before. The US military calls it the "shock and awe" tactic. You go in there, you kill everything that moves, you declare instant victory and then you leave without actually proving anything. Which by any other definition I'd simply call the nine-inch-drillbit skullfucking you receive anytime The Waterslides play (and if you really need an example of THAT feel free to commit suicide here) or in other words they're every reason why the invasion of Iraq was the most awesomely stupid thing ever (but damn was it fun to watch!). Yup, for those of you out there who have yet to be introduced, welcome to The Touch. They're the band you love to hate. They're the band you'd love even more to beat upside the head with the blunt end of a fire extinguisher, followed by you emptying a good portion of its contents, followed by you kicking them down those three flights of stairs laughing hysterically moments before their lifeless bodies roll out into the street and they get run over (end scene: best music video ever!). Unfortunately they're also the band that quite simply can't be killed (or at least not by using any of the methods as listed above). They are The Touch. They have no fear, they have NO shame and they're everything you love about flamboyant metrosexuality with indie guitars thrashed at ridiculously fast BPMs whilst both of your eardrums get blown out by a screaming hoard of fangirls inches from your face. You'd rather be anywhere but here (until you realise for some insane, stupid reason, you apparently write blogs about this shit), you also begin to believe Japanese television would freaking LOVE them and yes we must do everything in our power to destroy them!
The Touch. They're the sounds of The Moving Units, Cut Off Your Hands, Bloc Party's "Silent Alarm" at its most frenetic and something rather akin to Justin Timberlake strangling a chicken (try it home!). More often than that they're also the all too distracting spectacle of five band members on a stage jumping about like dickheads doing audience participation handclaps and shouting a lot (and the less said about Josh's spastic dance the better). I'd be hard pressed to call any of it "music" by any sane definition, which means I readily admit I must be missing the point somewhat (as I possess a Y chromosome) but for those of you in the audience who don't (and are forming a rather effective "media blackout" out front) you're likely going far too fucking batshit to this junk to care. Clearly they're a popularity contest, they're the worst kind of popularity contest and from the looks of it tonight they're winning (even if they came third in The Advertiser's "Scene Awards" last Thursday for "favourite local band".. and yes I shudder to think what would have happened if they ever came first). And yet they never fail to make me piss myself laughing all the same. They're a parody to the point of caricature. They well and truly belong on a live stage, most definitely THIS live stage: with both exits blocked off, the windows taped shut, the oxygen sucked out of the room till they're floating in nothing but a vacuum moments before they explode innards all over the walls. And if that hasn't made it clear enough, then there's a good chance Josh in THIS video will show you just where to send those flaming projectiles. The Touch? Fuck I love this band!
11:41PM - And so here we are. The Touch have already spontaneously combusted on the stage behind me a good half hour ago. Even more mysteriously all that was left of them: their shoes and their smoke ashes rising from them, walked off all by their own. I suspect this won't be the last we'll see of them. Moments later I ducked off to pee, returning to this exact same spot near the stairs leading to the stage; and I haven't moved an inch since. Everywhere I look, fashion nazis, indie illuminati and scenster girly girls are cramming the front of the stage with their tiny chihuahua boyfriends in tow (ie: small enough that they can fit in their handbags) and there's no room to breathe, no room for error, one mistimed sneeze is all it'd take and someone's ribcave is gonna go concave. I fucking hate camping out for headlining acts like this. I'll be here for another half hour waiting impatiently as a dull ache starts screaming its way up my leg. I don't belong here. I feel like an idiot. I stick out like a sore thumb. I seriously hope this shit'll be worth it!
LADYHAWKE (***1/2) myspace :: Stage fright. Everyone has their own unique take on it, except for our headlining act who is well and truly redefiniting it to new and awkward extremes and shitting bricks to boot. This is Pip Brown, aka: Ladyhawke and you can tell the minute she hunches her shoulders up those stairs past me, skulks her way onto the live stage and measures up her microphone (only to break out in a cold sweat over the insane enormity of the task ahead of her) that she'd very much rather be anywhere but here, preferably in a dark corner, rocking back and forth in foetal position and howling. She then proceeds to clear her throat, mumbles out a quick hello to the crowd and finally the hardest part of her night is over. YES.. just ten more songs and she can finally get the fuck out of here! Now before I begin to spell out in painful detail just how much of a disaster this gig was (and how!) it bears pointing out just why we're all here in the first place: Ladyhawke is a brilliant singer, songwriter and she's produced some amazing shit; you could argue but you would lose. It's true what they say. I'm not even into this shit and I can't put it down (and I'm a little embarassed to admit that too!). I discovered her through that song she did with Pnau that I also couldn't put down: "Embrace". She truly has one of those voices. She's reminds you of everything that is awesome about Stevie Nicks, Pat Benatar and Debbie Harry whilst simultaneously making you forget just how entirely dorky it is listening to ANY of that shit in the first place (I know!). On record she exudes the impossibly aloof. She pulls you in with those infectious skipping guitar and synth melodies, those new wave disco beats, that haunting cold as a ice singing voice. She represents everything awesome that names suggests (short of that weirdarse movie featuring Michelle Pfeiffer and Rutger Hauer). And yes as much as I'm here tonight because I heard all those whacky rumours too (and we all know I'd love nothing more but to relentlessly ridicule her for it) I'm also here for the unique experience of it. Being a music journalist (or a laughable excuse for one) is all about broadening one's experience for shit just like this. It's all about taking risks. We all have our comfort zones and I'm stepping well out of my own to witness her step well out of hers: it's a fair trade and I hope in some weird way we'll both get something out of it tonight..
Still for all our wishful thinking, she's off to an awkward start. For being NME's sixth coolest person on the planet she definitely cuts a strange figure live. With her dishevelled Farrah Fawcett mullet, her blackened eyelids, her teeth jutting out at weird angles, skinny jeans, boots and striped top she resembles more of what you'd more expect to come crawling out of Elizabeth Shopping Centre (or an open sewer) with a cigarette packet tucked under one sleeve than anyone you'd EVER expect to headline Rocket Bar to a crowd as tragically hipster as this one. You gotta admit, she's a right royal scrubber of a bogan. Still, part of me absolutely loves the sweet irony and if only she'd own it loud and proud she could really shove it down their throats. She'd be just the kind of anti-establishment image this joint sorely needs short of a few molotov cocktails, followed by Iggy Pop pissing all over the stage and everyone screaming for cover; and I'd be right there cheering her on. Fuck the style, it's all about the substance maaan! But alas she's just so impossibly shy, she's just so painful to watch. I can't bear to look, yet I can't bear to look away!? oh the agony!
For the most part however it's still a serviceable performance. Although her delivery falls shy of the microphone, she's spends most of the set standing there like a statue shitting herself, and you can tell she's just "phoning it in" tonight; the three piece band around her still do an amazing job at holding her shit together. She says she's happy to be there. She really doesn't look like she's happy to be there. She'll constantly apologise for herself, wonders out loud why she needs to say anything between the songs at all; only to phone in the next song. Half the time you'll think it's awfully cute, the other you'll wonder if she'll ever last the distance. It's hanging by a thread all set: the songs are there but just beyond our reach, the crowd's loving every minute and singing along (and maybe I'm just getting a crap mix wedged up by the stairs here) but I'm still not quite getting it. It's not really all that bad granted, but if it wasn't for how good I remember the songs were on the album I'd probably be at the bar laughing it up instead of being smashed up in a corner here right now taking photos. This is Ladyhawke waaay out her depth and overexposed well before she was prepared for it. This is Modular pulling the wool over our eyes. This is me wincing at the awkward spectacle of it all and wondering just HOW she'll make it out of here alive..
Still if you close your eyes and fill in all the gaps you might begin to enjoy this shit. As for all of you dying to know the setlist: it began with "Pro Suicide" and "Manipulation", followed by "Dusk Till Dawn" (as captured on video below), then "Magic", "Runaway", "Love Don't Live", "Back Of The Van", "Paris Is Burning" (which I also captured on video but I missed the first few seconds.. damnit!), "Daddy + Jenny" and finally "My Delerium" which was probably her most spirited performance yet as she was probably just happy for it all to be over. For the most part it was JUST like the album (only infinitely more shakey in its delivery) and short of the "trophy kill" it provided for ME (200th artist featured for this year.. YES!) I was still kinda regretting spending all of $30 to see this shit instead of Mammal, Poetikool Justice and Jika across the road at Enigma Bar (dang!) if not for all the awesome photos I was getting: but hey such is the price I pay for taking the insane risk. Ladyhawke is definitely better suited as a studio project rather than on a stage but who knows, maybe give her time to acclimatise and she may actually begin to like it out here; who knows!? never underestimate the power of recreational drugs to really let that freak flag fly!
1:03AM - Speaking of such, after the gig, it didn't take long till I finally caught up on all the beers I'd missed out on in two hours or so that I was trapped out front (as I'm pretty sure three to four would soon cover the damage of what I'd just lived through). Just as I'm sure Ladyhawke is happily drowning herself vodka after being trapped out front herself all this time. Aaaah and what a strange way to spend your life too: performing on stage when you're simultaneously scared shitless of performing on stage!? Awesome! Let's do this shit again sometime!
1:25AM - And just like that, well into my fifth beer I soon forget why I ever thought Rocket Bar was so alienating in the first place. I mean just look at these two designer douchebags rolling about the floor spilling drinks everywhere. Sure one of them is wearing a hipster doofus hat and the DJ accompanying this fiasco is banging an obnoxious french electro remix of MGMT, followed by that even more obnoxious Justice VS Simian remix (which we all know is SO 2006) but more importantly they're both horrendously DRUNK. YES! No matter where you are that shit's universal maaan! that's a language we can ALL understand! I'm drunk right now! Shit yeah.. let's party!
1:30AM - Which was just what I was thinking only to be sent screaming for the exit signs the minute I caught sight of these two dribbling fools behind me, arms outstretched mumbling "braaains! braaaaaiins!". Yeah I know, I didn't quite get it either. It's totally unwarranted. Just like when I shrieked: "holy shit it's the Olsen Twins!" in following, moments before I flew down those stairs. Sometimes it's the weirdest things that trigger my "flight" response; and for that I apologise. Still it could've been worse: if they triggered my "fight" response instead there's a good chance I would've decapitated them on sight then promptly torched the corpses. Zombies. It pays to be cautious. It pays to be vigilant. You never know when one of them may rise again!
1:48AM - Speaking of incidences of the unexplained (and as utterly blithering off topic as always), it was mere moments after leaving Rocket Bar that I'm then kidnapped by Izzy from Robotosaurus (yeah I know.. of all people!?) and dragged here with offers of free alcohol. Oh and in case you're wondering where "here" actually IS: this is Cuckoo a brand new lounge bar situated on the south side of Hindley Street and slap between the eye bleed of The Crazy Horse and the retina burn of Horus. Yeah I know, I'd never heard of it either, it took me a good minute to find this shit too; but here we are all the same! It's a teeny tiny orange sign hidden way up high, you can't miss it!
Thinking this shit had only just opened up in the last week or so, I casually asked one of the bar staff only to be told it'd actually been here since July (damn!). They also claim to have DJs banging minimal tech house all night. Which is all kinds of head explodingly awesome as apparently that makes them the ONLY people left in Adelaide STILL banging that shit well past its use-by-date: as let's face it everyone else had long since abandoned this shit (quite possibly back in 2001) for techstep, electroclash, glitch, grime, liquid funk, mashup, french techno, electro and dubstep. What's my point.. hmmm shit dude I forget? where the fuck am I again!!?
1:57AM - Feeling suitably disoriented in my journey to dimensions unknown but quite possibly just down that road a bit (shit what did Izzy just slip into my beer.. whoaaaa!?) I subsequently find myself here, quite possibly by accident as I was clearly aiming for Supermild all this time. Yes I'm aware that the signage outside is a completely different colour (and for some stupid reason I now have a weird urge to drink Heineken) but I do have a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this shit. As much as my dim recollection can figure it, staring at that sign at cuckoo moments earlier whilst attempting to take photos of it has subsequently swapped both the red and green cones in my retina, I also now possess two left feet, my brain has since swapped functions with my liver and now speak nothing but fluent Portuguese. Awesome. Which way to the bar then?
Curiously enough there was no Heineken sought in this transaction, nor did I buy up any of the other spastic metal welded knick-knacks they always seem to be selling behind those glowing blue display cases; let alone any of the meat pies, microwave popcorn, novelty air horns, surface-to-air-missile launchers, Virgin Mary bobble head toys or that chunk of the Martian meteorite they stole from NASA back in 1996 and have been passing off ever since as "cracked pepper" in the salt and pepper squid they ALSO serve (and you don't wanna know what the squid REALLY is). Yup, no matter how many times they try to sell me ANY of this crap, I ain't ever buying; still don't you just love these insane freaks for trying it regardless!? and while you're at it.. why don't you get some freaking Coopers Pale Ale on tap already ferfucksake!!? Southwark Pale my arse!
1:59AM - Anyhoo, all bitching and moaning aside about my insane need to drink Coopers Pale wherever I go (nervous tick bordering on a brain dysfunction anyone?), moments later I find myself tumbling blindly up those stairs to arrive here at the dead end of Mammal's triumphant funk metal massacre.. with very few tell-tale signs of just what the fuck went on here earlier tonight. Nothing but the smell of fried chicken, the circling of footprints and the occassional tooth mark in the ceiling? damn I gotta hand it to the bar staff at Enigma Bar: they really DO know how to dispose of the evidence! although it may begins to explain where half of the other "meat" products come from now (*cough* duuude don't EVER try the jerky.. I'm just saying!).
2:02AM - In following, this is me going backstage simply for the fact that (a) wow there's actually a backstage!? awesome! (b) they never post any security outside, (c) spastic band graffiti is freaking awesome, (d) I'm way too ridiculously drunk by now to give a shit either way.. fuck yeaaah!
And speaking of drunk, it appears I'm not the only one out of my skull in here tonight. On the left (in the spastically oversized sunglasses) we have Tibor, infamous bass player for Melbourne band Jika. On the right (shirtless and deranged) we have Adam B, bass player for Poetikool Justice. As for who's actually taking a photo of this shit right now, your guess is as good as mine, as clearly I'm not here, I'm somewhere else running for a fire extinguisher, and there's a good chance there'll be two new bodies found floating face down in the River Torrens by morning.. weeeee!
And no: I seriously don't know HOW I always seem to find all these freaks either!?
And yes: by all accounts (and whatever inane gibberish Miji: drummer for Poetikool Justice is currently uttering about space aliens moments before I take this photo) this gig tonight was a roaring success. Mammal, Poetikool Justice and the infamous return of Jika? and I freaking missed it all for fucking Ladyhawke!? Fuck damn.. what the HELL was I thinking maaan!?
2:49AM - A few too many beers later, or quite possibly none at all as I may very well have been waiting in line outside all this time (ie: if only I totally didn't Jedi mindtrick" the bouncer and bluff my way in instead.. YES!) I find myself here in this all too predictable destination. I could go on to explain just where exactly THIS destination is (or just how I bluffed my way in so quickly), but I think all circumstantial evidence from every other blog I've posted for the past few months will surely point the way. Still, check out the new location shot.. how fucking awesome am I? (which is just as well as I was actually starting to receive complaints for the amount of times I've recycled that OTHER shot I always use with those two drunks stumbling outside). As for why am I here again this week? why else am I here? does this shit always need to have a reason!?
2:58AM - Hmmm something about this photo in following seems a little too familiar. Not so much the novelty tie I'm wearing with the optional red blinking diode which is now doing all the thinking for me (which I swear I just found lying around moments earlier) or that weird white t-shirt I'm wearing which signifies today was "washing day" and I had nothing else to wear (wait.. I actually WASH shit!? hahahaha no way!?) or that lurking zombie sneaking herself into another photo tonight that I clearly failed to kill the first time.. wait what was the point in all this, I forget?
And no amount of clever captioning is ever going to explain this one either.. although I do begin to suspect it may have something to do with that genius opening statement I made right at the beginning of this episode. Here we are drinking till we forget just who the hell we are on a Friday night? dressed so insane in novelty neck and heatwear we can't recognise ourselves? laughing it up with people we hardly know!? only to later add them onto our facebook without a moment's thought? only to repeat the same mad experiment NEXT weekend!? no wait I don't quite get the connection either.. and to think I consider myself a master of biting social commentary!?
4:09AM - Still, no entirely unnecessary repeat visit to Supermild is ever complete without inexplicably finding yourself in YET another retardingly drunk photo with Steve from Swords here. As apparently unbeknownst to many: Steve actually lives here, quite possibly under the stairs, quite possibly behind the bar, or quite possibly hanging from the ceiling like a bat only to pounce on unsuspecting drunks screaming for them take a photo of him every time they're in here so that all the pink and purple leprecauns that taunt him on a regular basis don't subsequently steal his soul. And yes that IS the best rational explanation I could think of at the time..
4:25AM - Damn I swear, everytime I stumble into this joint I "collect" another one of these lunatics. Who IS this person, why is she sneaking herself into this photo, and why did I just add her on facebook.. who the fuck knows!? but shit damn she's got some freaky eyebrow action! Welcome random chick with the eyebrows, you've finally made it! oooh yeaaah.. live the dream!
4:40AM - It's at this point that I'm beginning to suspect that everything around me is spiraling ridiculously out of control, and not because I'm well into my ninth beer (pffft.. what does that shit ever do!?) but because of that sneaking suspicion that everything I see, everything I do, everything I discovered in this mad quest to uncover the riddles within riddles around me of late is nothing but lies now. Everyone's hiding behind something, layers upon layers of deception and howling dementia, it's circling me like a fog and it's doing my fucking head in. Is this merely a side effect of my work in an industry full of "performers"? is this the just reward I get? am I just over analysing it? do I have myspace and facebook to blame for blowing it entirely out of proportion.. and since WHEN is it fucking Christmas!? shit damn, I'm going out've my mind!
The search for the truth out there is getting harder and harder. We're getting really good at it. We're adults, we're experts in the field, like Shakespeare we're acting circles within circles on the stage of life with our own little parts to play that are far and beyond the shrinking core of our being that we fight so vehemently to protect. "Am I me? who am I? am I someone else? who the fuck are you!? who cares! let's make everything up on the spot, get shitfaced drunk and we'll sort it all out in the morning!". I've become so accustomed to this mad transaction, so proficient in its nuance, that when I come across someone so utterly defenseless as Ladyhawke squirming away on a stage tonight, it's a shock as much as its a revelation. Not so much for how much of a shrinking figure she carves; but for the simple fact that deep down we we're just like her. For all the power we have to create new realities and revisionist histories there's some things we just can't escape from: and it's these hilariously fucked up flaws that make us truly human.
