FOLLOW MY RUIN
this is a blog, a weekend blog, a lifestyle blog, a music blog, a blog of the alcoholic and the embarassingly exhibitionist and those nameless others who may or may not be known to blog, a blog written somewhat in the fashion of many a blog that came before it detailing equally in such detail the blogging blogness of blog, this is the blog begat by blog, this is the blog in tribute to blog, this is the blog smelling altogether like a blog you trod in on the sidewalk, oh! for a blog by any other name would not smell so fragrantly blog!, a blog penned by a blogger, with a blog blogged with disregard for all the proper conventions of the blog, a blog so shoddingly unprofessional (especially with my laughingly hungover attempt this week to blog) that it is more than worthy and proud to be given the name of that which is called a BLOG, oh yes pitiful midgets squinting at the sun, this is that blog! that singular blog of bowel quaking blogness that dares to outdo all the blogs before it for the purity of what it means to be a blog! and have I quite nearly said the word "blog" enough in this paragraph of blog? I think not! lets say it again shall we.. oooooh! BLOG BLOG BLOGGING BLOG BLOG! coz fuckit I'm way too seriously hungover and exhausted this week to write this damn.. you guessed it.. blog! (ack! where's me freaking aspirin, I swear this blog's gonna give me a migraine!!)FRIDAY NIGHT
yup, after last weekend's epic misadventures
in the Adelaide music scene and all the apocalyptic shits and giggles that came forth from the publishing of it (yeeouch! don't get me started!) I had pretty much been reduced to a foaming brown stain, fuck full of ants with the shining intellect of a novelty pez despenser.. seriously, the last thing I wanted to subject myself to at the dawn of THIS weekend was yet ANOTHER live act (let along the marathon succession of 13 bands I subjected myself to just 7 days prior.. yeeeouch!) I couldn't take it no more.. I'd had enough.. I didn't care if I was missing out on psychedelic spectacle that would've been the THE DAIRY BROTHER's CD launch at the GOVERNOR HINDMARSH tonight, I didn't care if I was absent from the OFF THE COUCH music showcase at JIVE.. I wouldn't even have tweaked a nose folicle if LIAM HOWLETT, TOM MORELLO, ?UESTLOVE, LES CLAYPOOL and ZACH DE LA ROCHA gatecrashed my living room to do an impromptu face melting bloc party jam with the reanimated spirits of SID BARRET and JIMI HENDRIX whilst CEDRIC and OMAR from THE MARS VOLTA rearranged my furniture into a funeral pyre.. fuck 'em all.. I just wanted to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room this weekend and go "LA LA LA LA" till the bombs stopped dropping.. although obviously I didn't, coz otherwise you'd all be fucked for reading material come MONDAY.. *phew*..
and so, as the angry sky demons hurled their pissing vitriol at me from above, I stumbled forth my weary flea ridden carcass this FRIDAY NIGHT for destinations city-ward and sought me my peaceful solitude and goldfish blinking passivity in the HINDLEY ST cineplex.. aaaaaaah! sweet relief!
now I could've easily gone for all manner of intellectual, art-house or OSCAR worthy performances tonight.. but being in the near vegetative and comatose state as I was, my path was clear, I had no choice but to see that wacky new slapstick comedy - A NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM starring BEN STILLER at 9:10PM (since obviously, the equally retarded CGI cartoon HAPPY FEET wasn't otherwise available in my nocturnal timeslot)..
yup, we all know this movie was going to be dumb as all fuck, and yet with it's stupifyingly cheesy comedy tones and easy going charms, I found just the popcorn flick I was looking for.. surprisingly good if yer looking for that kinda thing.. I'd give it 4 out've 5 stars ;)
spilling out've the movie theatre a little past 11PM, I next make my way down HINDLEY ST (following an SMS left during my cinematic leave of absense) to meet up with some fine fools who are currently making an incoherant mess of themselves in GAWLER PLACE..
heeeeey look kiddies.. fire engine! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :)
(yup, it's probably becoming glaringly obvious to anyone reading this now, that this week's blog won't be the shining powerhouse of rarefied intellect you've come to expect in weeks past.. hahahaha)
*cough* anyhoo.. after meeting up with all the rest of my fellow chimpanzees and equipping myself for the trials ahead, we next charged onwards to do battle in our chosen (and most bleedingly obvious) east end drinking establishment.. a place I dare not speak of by name..
for where else would we end up at but HERE *sigh* so freakingly predictable aren't I? (and since I've visited this place so bleedingly often by now to be bordering on cliche, I present to you one of the few remaining angles left in this venue that HASN'T been covered by my camera for the Nth billionth time in service to this blog) oh, and while we're upstairs.. be sure to check out the shiny new exhibition of SUICIDE GIRL'esque gothic paintings they've got on display.. it's real trippy stuff :)
arriving close to midnight and still quite glaringly sober after my cinematic hiatus, I do my very best in the next few hours to catch up with the plummeting IQ's of the fools around me.. as I dive headfirst into the steaming sauna of gargling fermentation and evaporative human soupiness that makes up the dancefloor tonight (what with the sweat running off the walls and all the oppressive humidity, this place is stinking worse than the slums of CALCUTTA.. pheeuuw!)
amongst all the chaos on the packed out dancefloor.. I'm presented with the usual suspects in drunken exhibitionism as they clamour for my camera's attention like a zombie hoard.. "SPOOOOZ.. BLOG US!! BLOOOOOG US!! WAAAUAGHH!!"
why oh why do I continue to encourage this insanity each and every week?
whilst in the middle of this seething fray of public embarassment and just out've the corner of my eye, I also spot the flash bulb attacks of this mischevious little paparazzi, likely wanting to use my retarding infamy to fuel her very own blog exploits (sheeeesh, it's like everyone's trying to get a piece of the action!).. of course I COULD mention her by name.. but yeah, fuckit.. for being such a conniving sneak with a camera, I'd rather not give her the validation :P
the energy levels may be buzzing out here at the 'ol SPANKY tonight, the place may be packed out, and there may be more than enough willing lambs to the slaughter.. but the next few hours in flailing alcoholism and dancefloor retardation prove to be too much even for the most hardened of self destructive lunatic veterans in this oppressive chicken soup, as the swirling stench claims more and more victims sprawled amongst the speaker stacks, gulping like ejected goldfish for fresh air supply.. only to near choke to death on cigarettes and beers..
I can see the public service announcement now - "alcohol.. consider the consequences" :)
by about 3:30AM I'd clearly had enough of this, so I packed in the few remaining braincells left rattling in my skull, bid farewell to EZZA, her fellow trainwreck KATE (aaaaah, you maniacs know how to party :) ), THE COUNTESS (who's photo I dare not post here, as it'd likely burn your retinas out), SARA and all the rest of my fellow greater and lesser primate brethren and fled howling into the night..
taking the last suitably green and queased up SICKBUCKET home..
and promptly collapsing dead on my doorstep at 4AM.. *phew* and I call this a night OFF!?SATURDAY NIGHT
now of course this wouldn't be a SPOZ's RANT without at least SOME feeble attempt at live music coverage, so it is with that goal in mind that I seek out the GRACE EMILY tonight for the TAUGHT BY ANIMALS CD launch.. supported by the geekified grooves of MEANWELL COLLEGE and the psychedelic tornado of PATRICK SARACINO on guitar..
and so I start off the night at 9PM, with a few warm up rounds of PALE ALES..MEANWELL COLLEGE
before MEANWELL COLLEGE fire up the stage at 9:45 PM..
featuring BENN HANSEN, flailing a hissyfit storm on drums..
and the ever gangly bespectacled freakyness of BEN REVI on guitars, keys and vocals..
or for the sake of all you peeps out there eagerly waiting my usual dose of live music ridicule, what I'd like to call - "NERDBOY, GEEK HAMMER and the MANHATTAN STARSHIP REVIVAL"
yup, these chess club alumni cranked out the sorta geekified frenzy in indie-fuzz that sounded quite like what you'd expect from the works of SOMETHING FOR KATE as covered by a RUNDLE MALL busking act, yet with all the caffeinated derangement and aggression in jangling guitar chords, smashing keys and drums that'd likely get them BANNED from most shopping malls..
dont get me wrong tho'.. for what they do in shredding guitars, keys, wailing vocals and hammering percussion they do quite well.. I mean sure, it may occassionally appear as if they gave the creature from ET glasses and a wig and taught him to play the guitar.. but you can't help but find this madness kinda infectious.. especially when BEN REVI tears up the keyboard like a deranged 1980's east german COBOL programmer with a deathwish against the capitalist west.. go you gangly bastard! hack the PETAGON!! DOWN WITH RONALD REAGAN AND THE EVIL EMPIRE!!! YEAAAAH!! WOOOO!!!
and to add to their maddening spectacle tonight, not only did they have the 1976 sci-fi geek classic "LOGAN's RUN" projected on the screen behind them (with constant plot updates being given throughout their set) but they were also joined by MATT HILLS and NEIL CLARK of TAUGHT BY ANIMALS for a cover of MAZZY STAR's indie fuzz classic "FADE INTO YOU"..
a rendition which is made all the more comical, when you consider it was originally crooned so beautifully and seductively back in 1994 by a girl who looks like this..
covered tonight by a hilarious dweeb who looks like THIS..
and yet, they somehow still manage to pull it off in style.. freeeaaaaky maaan! FREAAAKY!! (oh, and be sure to check out their nifty little EP too, available in CD, 7" vinyl, 8-track, betamax, DAT, laser disc and as imput code for your ALTAIR 8800.. wooooo!)
*ahem* and now with the first comedy act done for the night (oh yeah, they're gonna kill me now for sure!), the stage is cleared to make way for a bewildering array of guitar pedals and effects units that herald the arrival of the next performer on stage..PATRICK SARACINO
as the GRACE EMILY stage is greeted with a rare, once in a lifetime solo performance by FIDEL CASTRO..
who (I'm guessing for "national security" reasons) has decided to go by the unassuming alias of PATRICK SARACINO tonight.. wow, who would've known that this mild mannered CUBAN revolutionary and fearless communist dictator by day, would be a sound engineer and psychedelic shitstorm guitar enthusiast by night? oh yes kiddies, we are truly living in the AGE OF AQUARIUS!
for the next 1/2 hour or so he stuns the massing crowd into awed silence as he proceeded to thrash out a face melting display in guitar layering psychedelics and cyclical chanting that rather sounded like a cross between a low flying CESNA aircraft on acid and a chorus of TIBETAN MONKS being thrown into a wood chipper..
or the exact experience of which depending on where in the venue you happened to be standing in.. for some of us it might've sounded like the work of 50,000 guitars fighting for supremacy, for others it may've sounded like the fornication of dwarves.. but for some of the more fortunate souls in the men's toilets, they could've sworn they heard the voice of the HINDU deity VISHNU just minutes before their head's exploded.. sure, it may've made one helluva mess in there, but they still died happy.. such was the manifest fury witnessed tonight (if only he got CHE GUEVERA on stage too, then we would've have one helluva double act!)
and now reaching the end of his set, PATRICK SARACINO (if that was REALLY his name) swaps over from guitars to a little keyboard unit, builds up walls of humming white noise and harmonics, to produce the nifty bridging segue that signals the immediate arrival of the final headlining act tonight..
as we welcome TAUGHT BY ANIMALS on stage..TAUGHT BY ANIMALS
woooooo.. yeaaah! they're a band, they play live music.. and I've seen them waaaay too many freaking times in the last 2 months to be arsed reviewing them ever again (seriously, if you need a review? go here
, or fuckit even here
), yup they've almost exceeding TONY FONT SHOW in levels of serial offenses on this here blog.. so obviously they either really really good, or they're holding my family hostage.. either way fuckit, buy their steeeiinky mini album / EP coz I flatly refuse to write another word about them.. it's too much dammit.. TOOOO MUCH!!
look in silence oh pitiful midgets, and behold!
and that kiddies was the sound of TAUGHT BY ANIMALS to the projected accompanyment of 2001 SPACE ODYSSEY drilling themselves into my skull to the point that I know the songs better than THEY do.. although hey, all jokes aside I gotta give them due credit for letting me pilfer half of their beer rider.. you crazy cats are aiiight with me!
(and people accuse me of seeing the SAME bands all the time? sheeeeesh! what ever gives them THAT idea!?)
and now with all the circus antics done for another night, I drink myself furtheringly retarded here at the GRACE EMILY..
before piling into a passing vehicle and arriving here like everyone else this night, drawn like flies to shit at 1:45AM for more stupifying punishment to the 5% of my liver that is still left barely functional..
as we bring forth yet another cavalcade of late night revellers to amuse and horrify..
here we present yet another reason why I should stop this annoying habit of nicking glasses and hatwear for my pissy late night photography (and I've got NO freaking clue who that other lunatic is either..)
suggested punchlines for this photo include..
a) the blind leading the blind..
b) this is not how you do the Heimlich Maneouvre..
c) one of them's a ventriloquist dummy, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to guess who..
d) the 2nd sequel to "WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S" gets off to an awkward start..
e) "oh shit, that fart just came out 3-dimensional!"
f) you'd never guess they just met on the internet..
and *yeeouch!* I really had to end with THIS uglyarse photo now didn't I?
fuckit that's at! I'm outta here!! I've had it with all you freaks!! NYAAAARGGHHH!!
3:30AM swings by once again and I'm on the last SICKBUCKET the fuck outta here..
and that brings to a close yet another (albeit erratically hungover) weekend entry in the life and times of SPOZ's RANT.. the eye-watering highs, the dizzying fungalforming lows, and all the glorifying pants staining mess in between that's not even fit to print on the last sheet of the toilet paper roll.. YEEEHAAAA!!
tune in next week and lets see what furthering levels of alcohol poisoning SPOZ will invite upon himself for the sake of entertaining you eeeeiidiots :)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: I Am Citizen Insane