The Adelaide music scene: to many of you it might be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctioning splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
THURSDAY DECEMBER 23RD 2010 Or perhaps I'm getting way ahead of myself... as it actually starts with this steak dinner I had two weeks prior (but don't worry I'll get back to the story about the "hat" in due course... AND AREN'T YOU JUST DYING TO HEAR ABOUT IT TOO!!). And as for what made this particular "steak dinner" so ridiculously important, nay damn near spasmagorically life affirming; especially as it pertains to the Adelaide music scene and why I'm still here covering it!? pfft... what are you nuts? it's just a steak dinner you freaking idiots! STOP READING SO MUCH INTO EVERYTHING!! (but SHIT DAMN was it stupidly awesome all the same!). I mean just look at that mushroom sauce! look at that mouth watering cut of meat ever so lightly seasoned with cracked pepper (or maybe it's mice droppings?) or those golden brown potato chips? or that lush side serve of salad ever so alien to my garbage physique yet no less bursting in head exploding vitamin goodness! (and is that fancy pants purple lettuce!? SHIT YEAAAH BABY!!). Duuude tell me that ain't a meal worthy of a Viking saga! Tell me I haven't died and gone to reasonably priced counter meal heaven; or at the very least one of the slightly more aesthetically pleasing pub food purgatories... or maaaybe I'll just shut up already?
Unless of course your name happened to be "Amanda Selleck": in which case you clearly missed out on THE shit awesome show of the century; or perhaps just this decade, or perhaps this year, or maybe just THIS Thursday two days prior to Christmas... or shit duuude for all we know? this girl might have been challenging you to a fist fight; in which case we clearly ALL missed out (and I for one am kicking myself retarded over that fact). And as for whether I was ever gonna get to the "point" here? aaaah who the fuck knows! I mean do these blogs ever make sense? like... EVER!?
FRIDAY DECEMBER 31st 2010 So *cough* about that stolen hat then? well fast forward a week and a day and it's New Years Eve and is that Anthony Candlish from Ride Into The Sun wearing said "hat" and whooping it up like 2010 has no tomorrow!? YOU BETCHA!! (no shit... they should totally make greating cards out of awesome moments like these!). Still all whizzbang celebrations aside? I freaking hate New Years Eve. Well maybe "hate" is too strong a word, but it is potentially the worst night you'll ever spend drunk in the entire calendar year; especially compared to the fifty other weeks of the year you'll spend pissing it large in the Adelaide scene having the absolute time of your life (AND DON'T YOU JUST KNOW IT!!). For the simple fact that every other arse sniffing arseclown/baboon/bogan/bozo who's otherwise spent the rest of the year safely sequestered in their homes bumping chests to luke warm tinnies of West End and televised team sports have now chosen this ONE "auspicious occassion" to pack out every one of your chosen pubs, clubs and live venues to the ceiling (most if not all now sporting ridiculously long lineups and hiked cover charges to boot). So now you can't move for all the swinging fists and unintelligible screaming, it takes hours to order a drink at the bar, nobody gets the "countdown" right, you're never sharing it with that special someone (or soon to be) when the clock strikes midnight *sigh*, and it's all over and done with by 1AM. "1AM!? GET FUUUCKED!!". But that's only if you're stupid enough to spend it in the Adelaide CBD. Nope for the past few years I've wisened up to this mad catastrophe in the making and simply hit a house party instead; and I totally recommend you do the same. Scam an invite by any means (or simply host your own). Bring a carton, maybe two (or better yet stash a third somewhere safe when shit runs dry around 4AM), bang some tunes, whoop it up retarded.. stupifying awesomeness guarenteed!
Tonight's shitcrazy suburban shindig was clearly no exception; which obviously means short of any incriminating evidence I may have "accidently" captured on camera (and not subsequently deleted in abject horror smashing it into a wall screaming) I have no freaking clue what the fuck actually happened... SHIT YEAAAH!! Only a lot of binge drinking was involved (obviously), a few too many people found themselves on the roof watching the sun come up, only for Anthony to throw up all over it, which I was only told about in graphic detail afterwards as I actually thought walking all the way from Thebarton to Supermild on Hindley Street at 5AM was the best way to score a taxi home (to be fair, it did take only 20 seconds to do so when I arrived). And as for what any of this has got to do with Jules pulling a "Crystal Castles" on camera here? yeaaah your guess is as good as mine... and why is she wearing a toga too? HA HA HA WHO THE FUCK CARES!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Oh and yes I also stole this bitchin' hat. Long story short...? it was originally Anthony's hat, I pitched the idea to him (drunk) that I'd "steal it" off him on the condition that if I didn't return it at the next Ride Into The Sun gig I attended, I'd totally give the subsequent live review a "five star rating". At which point? yup he simply hands it over like it's a done deal (little did he realise that the next Ride Into The Sun gig I would likely be attending? would more than likely fall during blog hiatus in January and thus wouldn't be reviewed... BWAAAHAhAhAHAhahAHA YOU FOOL!!). But no really how awesome is it!? No shit if there was only ONE reason why I'm still writing this dumbarse blog in 2011, you're looking at it. Bitchin' hats duuude.. they totally make shit more stupidly epic!
And just to prove I'm not simply waxing lyrical over nothing here (although I see can how you'd think that from 99% of the superlative gibberish I usually write) get a mad dose of THIS. Yup not only does this freak appear to not have an "off switch", if ever his pee was synthesised into a fuel source and fed into a mobility scooter? it'd likely achieve mach 10 moments before exploding, taking most of a city block with it. Or yeaaah maybe that IS me waxing lyrical. ...So Yeah? fuck it, go see their shit sometime. I'm told they totally have a "facebook fansite" now and everything!
FRIDAY JANUARY 14TH 2011 Now skipping past just what the hell it is that I did between last weekend and THIS (and yet still felt weirdly compelled to post a retarded blog about anyways), or the fact that this is fast becoming a definitive diagnosis for obssessive compulsive disorder thinly disguised as a "January live scene retrospective" (shit no wonder I'm still single!), lemme just point out something about this show tonight: if you weren't here, I'm not even kidding you, you no longer have the right to read this blog. YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!! YOU HEAR ME!? DEAAAD!! Or maybe you had a legitimate excuse...? no wait there IS no legitimate excuse! I don't care if you're interstate, overseas, orbiting the Earth in the International Space Station pulling bucket bongs with Russian cosmonauts (and peeps still wonder how those air filters get clogged?), shit I don't even care if you're recently deceased and buried at sea! Someone should've sent diving teams to dig up that grave to unearth that coffin, carried it to Jive, propped it up against a wall and flipped the lid open so (or your gurgling remains covered in crustaceans) could experience the full 5.1 surround of this shit blowing your fucking mind into an entirely different transcendent dimension where such pissy concepts as time, space, life and death and you not being able to convince your girlfriend to come along because she was washing her hair that night simply don't matter. The fact is if you weren't here, and believe me a good three hundred or more of you WERE (to the point you sold out Jive to capacity) words can't even begin to describe it. YOU JUST HAD TO BE HERE. And not just because bands like Steering By Stars and Lady Strangelove were both opening as pissy little support acts... SUPPORT ACTS!? DUUUDE WHAT KIND OF FUCK OFF RIDICULOUS COSMIC CONVERGENCE ARE WE WITNESSING HERE!? IS THIS THE RAPTURE!? IS THAT YOU JEBUS!? WAAAUUGGHH!! But because they were both in support of Like Leaves launching an album. After eighteen long months waiting for them to get their shit together, it FINALLY FUCKING HAPPENED. And we all wish we brought a spare pair of pants and a snorkel (and I kinda wish I wrote an actual live review blog hiatus be damned!) it was that mind blowingly a-grade apocalyptically spastic... in ways that Jive dimming their stage lighting to the luminosity of a lit fart (so I couldn't get any ridiculously epic live photos befitting the occassion) clearly doesn't do it justice. So in conclusion I'm simply gonna swear a lot just to nail the point home... FUCK FUCK FUCKING UTTERLY UNINTELLIGIBLE HEAD EXPLODING SHIT BALLS FUUUCK!!
SATURDAY JANUARY 15TH 2011 Now there is nothing funny I could say about the Queensland floods, the floods in New South Wales, the floods in Victoria: all the devastation, the damage, the heartache we heard about this week... I mean shit duuude I could sure as hell try, but I'd just feel like a prize jackass for even thinking it! (duuude I dare not even go there!). Nope in moments like these, all I can do is ask: how can I help? how can I do MORE than just stand around like an idiot, bug-eyed and yammering and actually contribute!? Well thankfully THIS Saturday night such an opportunity presented itself. Organised in little over 24 hours and bringing together the combined talents of ...So Yeah, Ride Into The Sun, Colonel Kernel and The Shiny Brights for one flood relief fundraiser show at Jive (with all the bands, barstaff and security donating their services for free) we raised over $8000, we packed the place out to the capacity, we gave ourselves a teeny tiny ray of hope to focus upon that maybe, just maybe we could actually help in a truly fucked up situation. HA HA HA I know, crazy riiight!? And granted in the grand scheme of things where it'll take billions upon billions and many months (maybe even years) to rebuild infrastructure and rebuild lives it may not seem like much? but it still beat the crap out of doing nothing. Which is why, despite all the golden opportunities this photo of Wolfgang from The Shiny Brights may present in pisstaking hilarity (or better yet what Dan Beacom from Jay Walker & The Pedestrians may present in a glazed expression to the right of him) I'll be the better man and simply congratulate everyone for coming together in a time of need. For showing us that sometimes, just sometimes the Adelaide scene can actually aspire to be a force for "good" and not just an excuse for gratuitous binge drinking (or at the very least a legitimate excuse to do both at the same time) YEAAAS!! WE DRUNKS CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!
Which is why in effort to "lighten the mood" (in ways that I actually have to point out that I'm NOT being sarcastic because shit's really that grim for a great many of you in the eastern states still trying to come to terms with the devastation) we now bring you Josh Moore: "lead singer" for The Touch, doing whatever-the-fuck it is he's doing here in The Ed Castle beergardens; and is THAT a Hitler moustache he's sporting!? HA HA HA no really Josh, THANK YOU!! I mean if we can laugh at something as ridiculously tasteless as this? we can pretty much laugh at anything now can't we!?
As much as me mentioning ANY "mass migrations" to and from the band room are relative terms at best: as being The Ed Castle, the majority didn't even know there WAS a band room. And hey with The Shaolin Afronauts here doing whatever-the-fuck it is they're doing: "aaaah fuck I dunno? spinning the occassional frisbee? pressing a few buttons? wiggling a crossfader!?" WHO FREAKING CARES!! THEY'RE TOTALLY WEARING BITCHARSE VELVET HOODIES... I think we can all agree that's what's most important here. Well that and the fact Rip It Up are doing their bit in promoting the Adelaide scene. What? why you looking at me like that!? AT LEAST THEY'RE MAKING AN EFFORT!!
SATURDAY JANUARY 22ND 2011 Sooo... take one wild guess what I did with my Saturday night, aye? aaaye!? aaaah who the fuck am I kidding? we all know I'm well beyond retarded for this shit. Hi my name is Spoz Spozington and I have a problem... OH FUUUCK DO I EVER!! I'm told it's the first step right? that at least I'm admitting it! Now if only I could stop accepting all these freaking facebook event invites that keep exacerbating said "problem" I could actually start enjoying this holiday? (and do what with it.. post more nonsensical blogs about noodles!? AAAAHAHaHAhahAhAhAhAHA!!). And what is it THIS time: "No One Wants To Play With Us #2" at The Metro? Featuring duo performances from James Mellor & Jimmy Bean, Jon Marco & Tony Marshall, Paddy Montgomery & Mark Curtis, Jordan & Anna Beinke, Nigel Koop & Stevie Bee and Anthony Golding & Carly Whittaker... fuuuck that sounds exhausting just writing up the playbill! Screw elaborating upon this one, look at the photos if you seriously give half a rat's arse. I can't believe I spent every week for the past five years doing this crap! I mean what the hell duuude? what the fuuuck! WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING WITH MY LIFE!?
Just as all THAT insanity still wasn't the biggest "red spike" registered on the "weird shit-o-metre" tonight. Not when me, Jeremy and Andrew from 20th Century Graduates stumbled upon random "Spiderman" hours later outside of Supermild. Hmmm yup, I might be completely out of my mind and fast circling the drain to dementia, but at least I can seamlessly match my surroundings now.
And now for no good reason other than I couldn't think of anywhere else to put this shit? here's a random selection of pissweasels: without which all my nights out drunk for the past four to six weeks wouldn't nearly be the same... and by "the same" I mean not nearly as stupifyingly drunk.
Yup it's kinda fucked up isn't it? maybe even a tragedy if it wasn't such a "divine comedy" (all nine circles of it in fact) like the very best and worst in a love/hate dysfunctional relationship... me and the Adelaide scene, a dialogue rich in sarcasm, acted out each week with an extended cast of spastic caricatures, borderline criminals, drunks, degenerates, fellow space travellers, sirens and a multitude of muses, an endless well of inspiration simultaneously cursing me with insomnia. And when I dare escape from it like I did for four weeks "blog hiatus" just now? I'm an A-Z of mental illness manifest in every black & white photo, in every emptied noodle packet, in every unspoken word cold turkey, in every instance publishing the unravelling of what little is left of my "swiss cheese" sanity (well hey, everyone needs a hobby!). Or in other words more bleedingly obvious? I clearly suck at taking holidays! NO SHIT!! especially when I'm always choosing THIS as my freaking destination! And wouldn't you? IT'S FREAKING AWESOME HERE!! Yup welcome back to Spoz's Rant! Welcome back for another year! I may be at wit's end, I may have to treat each week like it's my last, but for all the rich rewards? for all the stories and all the mad characters I'll surely uncover? I'll gladly take that rollercoaster! because if all else fails me? fuck it... at least I've got this hat!