The Adelaide music scene: to many of you it might be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctioning splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
THE SHINY BRIGHTS + JIMMY & THE MIRRORS + 20TH CENTURY GRADUATES "TOO MANY CHIEFS" EP LAUNCH PARTY @ HQ COMPLEX / Friday March 19th 2010
Duuude, I ask you.. is it just me or is this Adelaide scene getting bigger? like a lot bigger!? And I don't just mean when it's crawling with a million and one fuck off festivals like it has been from February to March. Shit maaan don't even get me started! I swear in these past six weeks alone with all the head exploding insanity around here it's felt like six months! SIX MONTHS! Fuck, maybe it's been SIX YEARS!? Is this still 2010? is this still Adelaide!? "WHERE AM I? WHEN AM I? WHAT YEAR IS THIS, DAMNIT! WHAT YEAAAR!?" (y'know what? I've always wanted to grab someone by the shirt collar, screaming that shit out too.. just like Michael Biehn out of Terminator!? gooood times!). And I don't necessarily mean it's bigger as in "better quality", or that anyone's getting any "real money" or public exposure out of it (pfft.. you need only look to our Top 40 charts to know that we matter shit-fuck-all to the "music industry" at large!). But I definitely sense it all the same: all those bigger crowds, bigger events, bigger venues, bigger egos.. OOOOH YEAAAH! it's definitely getting bigger. And for clear evidence of this? look no further than the humble "launch party". Back eighteen months to three years ago? we'd be happy enough to fill the Jade Monkey, Rocket Bar, Ed Castle or The Grace Emily (and that was only maybe once every three months at best?) and fuck.. only the most insane of us would even dare take on the Governor Hindmarsh! And then all a sudden we started getting all these sellout shows at Jive and Adelaide Uni Bar? then The Killgirls pulled THAT insane show at The Queen's Theatre? then bands started throwing mini-festivals like "Touch Party" and "Winner-Fest"? then we had nine album launches in a month in June last year? and now almost every damn week there's yet ANOTHER single, seven inch, EP or album launch!? WHOAAAA!! Yup you better believe it! And just when you thought it couldn't get any bigger, along comes THIS, the ultimate in overblown excess: a local launch party at HQ!? DUUUDE!! I mean who even knew this shit was possible SIX MONTHS AGO!? and yet heeere we are! Awesome isn't it!?
Yup what we're witness to here tonight is impossible, it's beyond insane! For when it comes to live venues? taking on a "super club" like HQ is rather like the Adelaide scene equivalent of sending a rag-tag squadron of pissy X-wing fighters and a fucking farm boy to take on the Death Star. Or come to think of it? yeaaah maybe that's The Entertainment Centre, and THIS right here is just the shield generator guarding the SECOND Death Star on the forest moon of Endor.. but you catch my drift riiight? IT'S A FUCKING SUICIDE MISSION MAAAN!! Nobody and I mean NOBODY ever attempts an open assault on the evil empire and hopes to "walk away" in anything other than a ziplock freezer bag. HQ is the beast, it is the GREAT SATAN itself, it's ground zero for next to every one of Adelaide's most retarded club bunnies, gang bangers, jocks, plastics, pillmunchers, douchbags and fucktards. In fact it is SO diabolical, that almost every time it's hit by a "category five" drive-by-shooting, stabbing, or fullblown race riot? (pfft take your pick.. shit like that lets loose here almost every week) it simply shuts up shop and reopens under a different name: Heaven?Heaven II?HQ!? YUP, SAME FUCKING DEAL!! And so obviously it's not without considerable hesitation that I even dare step foot in this joint tonight without a signed declaration from The U.N. and a fleet of F-22 Raptors. But hey if there's a crazy enough gig going I'm SO there riiight!? OH YOU BETCHA!!
And so after calmly explaining to the bouncers outside that me "taking photos of HQ's exterior" DIDN'T constitute "a threat to national security", and after convincing the doorbitch inside that yes my name WAS on the door (because apparently I was listed there as "Spoz Spozington" and NOT "Spoz" and this actually confused her somehow!? AAAAHAHaHAhAHahA GENIUS!!) I was finally given safe passage past their "Checkpoint Charlie" and into the venue itself.. SCORE!! Oh and just to remind you again WHY I'm risking all my life and limb to be here tonight? Would you believe it's for little more than a pissyarse EP launch for The Shiny Brights!? I know, I had to keep reminding myself THAT too! But hey, at least it still beats staying home, pulling bongs, watching NCIS with a big box of pizza shapes, whilst farting bubbles in the bathtub riiight!? yeaaah.. but only slightly.
Still, upon walking in tonight I'm instantly relieved to discover that this joint ISN'T fuck full of it's usual accompaniment of spray tans, wife beaters, jugheads, teeth grinders, gold chains, gang rape and arse pounding techno.. THAAANK FUCK!!! Only to discover instead it's been replaced by the "indie" airhead equivalent. Yup we're talking predominantly female fans (with a few jocks as handbag accessories), hopelessly fashion tragic, doe-eyed deer: clad in teeny tiny fluoro summer dresses, hair bottle blonde and brunette, flapping their arms about and shrieking in delight to a predictable mix of Triple J high rotation hits. SO predictable in fact, it's almost as if the DJ had simply flicked on the radio during Rosie Beaton's "Super Request" and threw in a few crossfaders to make it sound all "edgy" (although to Jimmy Bollard's credit here? anything MORE edgy like say Daft Punk? might've actually startled them to death). Or in other words simply imagine all those mannequins extras you'd find in any given club scene out of 90210, Charmed or The OC where a band's playing in The Peach Bit After Dark, P3 or The Bait Shop and you'd have it just about nailed. Which depending on your taste in music is either your idea of hell (who me!?) or in the case of our "number one fan" here? yup, very much HIS idea of "the best damn night of his life".
Also scattered about the venue tonight, we have a veritable shitstorm of photographers (easily triple that which you'd find at say Jive for an interstate touring act) stifling yawns and shooting everything in sight. This one here works for GLAM Adelaide and Fasterlouder: his name is John Goodridge (aka: "badjonni") he's served at WOMAD, Future Music, Laneway (and possibly Vietnam and Korea) his interests include spear fishing, dwarf tossing, long walks on the beach and "watching things burn". Oh and as for WHY I'm writing any of this right now? yeaaah it's simply so I can take revenge on him for all those other shots he may have taken of ME tonight. DAMN YOU!!
But of course if all those photographers aren't nearly enough of a hint, there are many AWESOME reasons for why you'd ever want to shoot at HQ. Suuure I've since long forgotten what most of them are, but at the very least you can't deny how ridiculously badass their lighting rig is. Like no shit duuude.. IT'S NOTHING SHORT OF AN EXPLODING NERD-GASM FOR A GIG PHOTOGRAPHER!! I mean sure they'll STILL find ingenious ways to fuck you over with it regardless, just like they did "wonders" for my first two videos tonight by glaring half their lights RIGHT IN MY FUCKING FACE!! (and it's anyone's guess how many ewoks were killed in building it) but when it's in full flight? ooooh shit, I'd denounce all others religions to worship it like a GOD.. THAT'S how badass it is!
And oh maaan you should've heard mixer Matt Hills going on about their sound rig too! (I know! it's like that doughyarse bastard's almost everywhere isn't he!?). Like THIS mixing desk alone? worth over $200,000.. "LIKE WHOAAA FUCKING FUCK FUCK!?". I know!! And quite like you'd imagine it? yes it IS just like having your very own studio setup with Cubase or Pro Tools crossed with the bridge of The Starship Enterprise, and if you slip them an extra $20? yes they'll even show you where they hide the mini remote for their big screen Playstation 3. "What? you mean God Of War 3 all fuck off apocalyptic sized? in 5.1 surround sound!?". OH YOU BEST BELIEVE IT BABY!!
Which is great news for just about everyone, except for our opening act *cough*..
Yup that was Radio Star. And would you believe they they flew all the way from Melbourne JUST for this? Of course not! they probably spent a least eight hours driving here instead (and there's possibly at least fifty more people out of shot.. and I'm just fucking with them) either way nicest peeps you'll ever damn near meet. And as for why I'm saying all this shit now in advance of their live review? well.. as it turns out they bribed me with this awesome set of throwing darts, which I assure you they DIDN'T just steal from The Ed Castle when I bumped into them on Saturday night (duuude check it out.. one of them's totally got a spider on it too!) all in the hopes that I'd give them a glowing write-up. Hmmm and will their "genius plan" work!? LET'S FIND OUT SHALL WE!!
RADIO STAR (***) myspace :: Now obviously this ISN'T the first time I've ever seen this band (that would've been back in August 2008 when they played Producers Bar) but still, short of recognising Will Luby on keys and Jake Novak on bass for channeling "spastic labradoodle" just like they did two years ago, and their lead singer Zack Buchanan for his "retarding lovespawn between Paul Banks from Interpol and Sam the Sheepdog from Looney Tunes"? yeaaah I'm kinda hard pressed to remember just who the fuck they are. And it's not like it's a bad thing or anything.. don't get me wrong. There's never a eye gouging moment here where they bust out with a spastic banjo solo, or a kazoo, or go clownshit with a cowbell, they're just.. oh I dunno? happy-go-lucky, shouty "indie" anthemic whatever-the-fuck!? Or in other words that're slightly LESS vague? yeaaah simply picture a ridiculously easy to please homogeny between the spastic enthusiasm of say The Wombats (of which they most resemble) mixed in with the gunning intensity of Jimmy Eat World and Panic! At The Disco and that's pretty much your monkey with a miniature cymbal. Awesome! As such every song here is smashingly upbeat, ridiculously rapid fire in delivery, fuck full of shouty choruses rife with such profound intellectualism as "YOU MAKE MY HEART BEAT!! YOU MAKE MY HEART BEAT, YEAAAH!!" and depending on whether your blind drunk or hangover: they're either the ultimate party starter x10, or legitimate grounds to completely lose your shit and murder everyone in the room with nothing but the blunt end of a pencil. Of course being as I'm sober right now (and regrettably missing a pencil) I'm kinda on the fence right now as to what to make of it all, but as much as their live mix IS being blasted at volumes that could damn near liquify a hamster? I readily admit they ARE ridiculously catchy at what they do. In fact they're SO damn catchy I'm half surprised they haven't yet been used in one of those assinine Coke advertisements where a "gigglestorm" of annoyingly attractive 19 year old surfer boneheads and bikini models cruise around a beach house, bounce about in an oversized inflatable beachball, down crates of the stuff like it's LSD and all to the "soothing" refrains of "YOU MAKE MY HEART BEAT, YEAAAH!!" (or better yet the sorta hilarious junk they use to promote tampons or compact cars) but give them time and ooooh trust me they'll be there! Radio Star. Endearing, energetic, inoffensive, easily likeable, quite possibly diabolical and impending harbingers of the apocalypse!? yup, leave your brain at the door and dive right in!
20TH CENTURY GRADUATES (****) myspace :: In between bands just now, I figure I might get me my first beer of the night. And so I shuffle upto the bar and order up a "pint of Coopers Pale Ale". The bartender dutifully replies by reaching for a bottle, pouring it into a pint glass and charging me $7.50; at which point I decide "sobriety" is probably the better option. "FUUUCK!!". Still as much as you think that might be an "unmitigated disaster" for any band that I might be reviewing in following (awww I know! Radio Star SO should've bribed me in beer huh!? ROOKIE MISTAKE!!) when it comes to 20th Century Graduates? I dare say they can do no wrong. No really! When I last saw them back in January, for a headlining show at the Jade Monkey, they'd just introduced two new members to their horn section: Katey Sutcliffe (formely French horn player for the ASO) and some guy called "Andrew" who through all my lack of research doesn't seem to possess a last name (and thus must be formerly from the CIA!?) and they were nothing short of head explodingly awesome. A little over a week later they performed at The Adelaide Big Day Out, I wasn't there.. but I was later told by many eye-witnesses (some even reliable) that YES it was "nothing short of head explodingly awesome". And now it's been well over a month between shows: most of which their guitarist Alex Ciaravolo has spent overseas in Europe and he's only JUST returned YESTERDAY jetlagged and horribly disoriented, while their bassplayer Jon Wignall has spent the past few weeks partying in Queensland getting "cheerfully disoriented" on whatever-the-fuck (I don't know? nutmeg!?) and better yet in all this time they haven't even rehearsed.. and yet tonight, wouldn't you know it!? STILL NOTHING SHORT OF HEAD EXPLODINGLY AWESOME!? I know huh! Funnier still I'm told afterwards that apparently Katey fucked up a whole song (and she was really pissed off about it too), Alex spent most of the show hidden away in the wings hoping nobody would even notice HE'D forgotten how to play half of his shit, there were likely so many OTHER things fucking up behind the scenes.. and yet still I didn't pick up on it? AND I WAS SOBER AT THE TIME!? Yeaaah I know what you're thinking, and it probably involves a mental image of me in a straightjacket howling with laughter (and no you wouldn't be the first time either) but I think I've finally figured out what's going on here. You see 20th Century Graduates, as well as being truly "Mensa grade" at crafting sublime sunshine indie pop, are also FUCK OFF NINJAS in the ancient art of subterfuge. No really, it's true! I've seen it time and time again, and tonight? it's NO different! First of all they hide their "fearless leader" Jeremy Lake on drums at the back of the stage, fuck it.. forget he's even there (he's like the puppet master maaan!). Secondly they get Larissa "Exploding Joygasm" Perry front and centre smashing that tambourine, wacking that glockenspiel, fluting that melodica, dancing about all happy and carefree and melting our faces off with her beaming 1000W grin. And if ever you get away from that (and she truly IS the antichrist that one!) chances are you'll then be intercepted by both Jon on bass and Alister Douglas on guitar running mad circles around each other like exciteable puppies. Hiiilarious! And then just when you think you're free from all that? *BAM* in comes the horn section and it's just like candy gumdrops raining down from the ceiling. FUUUCK MAAAN!! There's just no beating it, everytime, every-fucking-time, THEY WILL GET YOU.. AND YOU'LL FREAKING LOVE IT!! I mean sure there were still a few "teeny tiny" hiccups here tonight: their sound was perhaps a little "overwhelming", a little TOO "loud" in parts, they were maybe a little bit "messy"; but really? pfft.. who freaking cares!? When it's THIS happy and this boundless in upbeat energy? this frisky carefree and unabashed in geekiness? and with songs that just tap that "joy buzzer" again and again!? there's just no denying it duuude! 20th Century Graduates: they're like a bouncy castle on acid and everyone's invited!
JIMMY & THE MIRRORS (***1/2) myspace :: In contrast to the shitcrazy symphony that was 20th Century Graduates tonight (and quite brilliantly so!) our follow up act have decided to go a slightly more "subdued" approach. Which when coming from a trigger happy "circus band" like Jimmy & The Mirrors here, comes with no small measure of shock. "No shit? ARE THEY MENTALLY ILL!?". Yup to explain, lemme just give you a quick rundown of some of their live shows and see if you can figure out the common unifying factor here. Exhibit A) first show I saw of theirs at Electric Light back in March 2008: them jumping about in spastic mismatched "clown outfits", checks, stripes, suits and ties, orange overalls, stoner happy pants, shouting, screaming, random stage invader hiphop segues, end result? complete and utter fucking chaos. Exhibit B) their "live video shoot" at Rocket Bar back in April 2009: them jumping about in spastic mismatched shirts, shouting, screaming, flashing lights, audience members stage invading, complete and utter fucking chaos. Exhibit C) their Fuse Festival "Explode" showcase from a few weeks ago: them jumping about in spastic multicoloured warpaint, shouting, screaming, flashing lights, retarded underwear models stage invading, complete and utter fucking chaos. And before you mention it? YES the common unifying factor here IS "everything but actual songwriting" followed soon after by ME suffering a head exploding aneursym. But hey don't get me wrong here, this shit's worked wonders for them in the past, WONDERS!! I mean fuck duuude.. Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire! pulled this exact same schtick back in 2006-2007 with all them wacky Justin Timberlake covers (and hey look at them now!?) and while you're in the midst of all this shit totally pissed out of your skull? IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS MAAAN!! But tonight while I'm still sober? oh it's still the SAME Jimmy & The Mirrors, they're still rocking the same shitcrazy collision point between thrashy 00's britpop and oldskool Aussie pub rock.. but I dare say, even if it's just a temporary glitch? thanks to them dialing back the "clown shoe shuffle" just a teeny weeny bit tonight they might have actually discovered some newfound artistic integrity here. "WHOAAA NO WAY!!" Yup I never thought I'd say this either, and yet surprisingly there's clear evidence they might actually be onto something here. For one they've mysteriously ditched all their shitcrazy warpaint, circus outfits, hiphop segues (and stage invaders) in exchange for slightly more "cohesive" stage presence that DOESN'T make your left eyelid twitch incontrollably. Secondly I can actually distinguish between songs now, like there's actual breathing spaces in between. Thirdly there's this new song that guitarist Banjo Weatherald sings in the middle: it's a whole less frenetic than their other material, it sounds like Bruce Springsteen meets Cold Chisel meets Dire Straights in a non too cheesy 80's power ballad kinda way.. and it's surprisingly really REALLY promising! And as much as the recent inclusion of Mick Armstrong (formerly Tyger Tyger) on second guitar still doesn't make a lick of sense here (ie: he's still hanging to the side of stage like a sore thumb with a guitar attached) he might be starting to bring some added "focus" to their sound too. Which for someone like me who was starting to worry at the end of their shows that my brain might actually piss out of both my eyesockets and kill me, lest I drink myself to death to prevent it? means they might even have a "future" ahead of them as true artists and musicians. Jimmy & The Mirrors? WHODATHUNKIT!?
11:31PM - And now at long last the moment WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.. YEAAAS!! Especially those of us who've very much been looking forward to getting ridiculously drunk ANYWHERE ELSE BUT HERE, and would much rather they'd hurry it up a little (or yeaaah maybe that's just me: $7.50!? YOU ARSEHOLES!!) as we welcome our headlining act to the stage: The Shiny Brights, and quite the impressive entrance they make too! First to arrive is Nick "Wolfgang Marwe" their lead singer: dressed as an indian chieftain, who picks up a pair of drumsticks and proceeds to belt out a tribal rhythm on the kit in front of him; while I proceed to take photos in following in the hope at least one of them will make him look like a complete goose (I believe I succeeded), only to be followed in turn by his fellow bandmembers who do likewise on kits of their own. The crowd hushes in awed silence around me: the atmosphere, the anticipation, sets our teeth on edge; it's clear to everyone this ain't just any 'ol launch party tonight.. oooh no, this is a whole NEW level of crazy!
11:33PM - And then just like that *BAM* the stage explodes into life. The lights, the noise, the excitement: as anywhere between fifteen to twenty stage invading "indians" do the wacky dance in front of us. WHOAAA DUUUDE!! Yeah I know, it's a total headfuck (and then some!), they're all screaming and flailing, it's almost impossible to get a clear shot on any of them in the swirling mist. And then before you know it they all disappear again? so quickly in fact you half wonder where the fuck they all went!? Yup if this is The Shiny Brights' genius plan JUST for introducing their first song "Caught In A Trap" tonight? THIS'S SO GONNA BE ONE HELL OF A FUCKED UP SHOW!!
THE SHINY BRIGHTS (*****) myspace :: Yup that's our headlining act tonight making for one FUCK of an entrance (and how!) and you can easily imagine everyone around me in following collectively shitting a brick in response (and they ARE) ooooh fuck! there can be no doubting it.. right in the here and now!? this band is ten foot tall, bulletproof and belching fire! DUUUDE, THEY'RE LIKE FUCKING GODS TO THESE PEOPLE!! Which is kinda funny really when you consider just for a second what we're dealing with here. For as much as I understand it, The Shiny Brights are an awesome "live band" without any ACTUAL songs. "WUH, WHAT!?". Duuude I'm not even kidding.. it's hilarious! I even bought both of their EPs: their debut release "Let's Not And Say We Did" and their launch title "Too Many Chiefs" just to test this theory out. I loaded both on my ipod, gave them a good thrashing.. and just as I suspected there's absolutely NOTHING here. In fact mere moments after listening to their debut, I had to reject it like it was a faulty transplant organ. No really! It was just SO damn glossy, so meticulously manufactured, so "radio friendly" there was absolutely nothing left. And as for their "Too Many Chiefs" EP? yeaaah I admit it IS a little bit better (duuude that song "Not Too Old" is freaking gold!) and I don't doubt commercial radio stations like Nova would seriously crap a spleen over it. But even so? The Shiny Brights DON'T HAVE ANY ACTUAL SONGS HERE!! I mean they have a bunch of SOUNDS here granted, but none of them are actual songs. It's like they're a "greatest hits compilation" of everything from the Kings Of Leon, The Strokes, The Libertines, maybe a little bit of 90's Grinspoon only with all the edges buffed out. They're a blank canvas, they're Lego building blocks: they're ever so squeaky clean interchangeable, you can pretty much make whatever you want from them. Which brings me to my next point. When The Shiny Brights play live? NONE OF THIS EVEN MATTERS!! As far as I'm concerned, Wolfgang could read from the fucking phonebook and it'd still be head explodingly awesome. The dude's an animal, a shrieking, flailing, tambourine smashing beast improbable! He's like the spastic lovechild between Daffy Duck and Patience Hodgeson from The Grates with the voice of Robert Smith! He owns every fucking stage he's on! No shit duuude he's a fucking freak! And the band behind him? they totally back him up every step of the way! They're warp speed professionals, they're assassins, they perform the absolute SHIT out of everything till there's nothing left to perform, and then they smoke the ashes! Yup, The Shiny Brights are a band without songs.. because they DON'T EVEN NEED THEM!! And in tonight's set? all of this shit simply explodes outwards to the power of ten. From their unrelenting apocalyptic attack of guitar, bass and drum blowing your cheeks "chipmunk" to the gargantuan g-force. To Wolfgang pucturing both his lungs in accompanying it. To all the fanatical crowd participation in between: from their seething mosh pit, the surfers, the riotous sing-a-longs to that spastic team mascot in the tiger suit cutting sick on stage during "Tigerland" (was that you Jimmy Meegan!?). Everything, and I mean everything whizzes past me like a blur, it's a five-fold sensory overload of epic proportions, maaan my mind was fucked so hard here? it needed a cigarette afterwards! And if you still don't believe me.. watch that live video! (especially near the end when Wolfgang jumps into the crowd) it's like fucking "Mohammed Ali: The Musical" and we're all KO'd in the first round. And as much as I saw a setlist, in fact I'm pretty damn certain there was one "somewhere" (just as I'm certain they covered a portion of "Kill The Director" by The Wombats and did "Juicebox" by The Strokes for an encore) NONE OF IT EVER MATTERED. The Shiny Brights are truly destined for arenas, stadiums, headlining festivals, they could play the fucking moon at this rate.. and the minute they can come up with ONE song you could actually remember three minutes after it was played: with a live set THIS insane? duuude there is truly NO limit to what they could achieve!
12:49AM - Yup it's finally happened maaan, I never believed it could, but it REALLY HAPPENED!? A pissy little local band like The Shiny Brights finally took on HQ and won!? NO SHIT DUUUDE!! I mean it wasn't capacity in here suuure.. but it was so damn close tonight you could practically taste the ceiling tiles! And now that the floodgates have been swung wide open? ooooh fuck yeaaah the challenge's been set! You saw The Killgirls rock the shit out of Queen's Theatre last year and that was massive, but this right here IS THE SHOW TO BEAT IN 2010. I know you Adelaide, I know your itching to piss all over this one and light it on fire, and I'm right there with you maaan! So why launch your album in that toilet cubicle, janitor's closet, or broom cupboard you've had your eye on when you claim a prize like this!? YEAAAS!! FUCK DAAAMN I'm so buzzing right now I could drink a brewery dry.. $7.50!? "AAAAH FUCK OFF!!" Seriously where's an after party when you need one!?
1:08AM - And so with HQ clearly out of the question, I weighed up my many "other" options for drinking in the west end. Should I hit Worldsend? "naaah beer's too expensive!". Enigma Bar? "pfft.. no Coopers on tap!". Supermild? "waaay too early dude!". Casa Bla Bla? "too soon!". Rocket Bar? "too many wankers!". Jive? "closed!". And so.. yeaaah fuck it, I hit The Ed Castle instead. Which would've been a genius plan too, if it weren't for the fact that their new owners were trialing one of their brand new Friday "doof doof" nights. Which believe you me was just as exciting as you'd imagine it. So much so I was compelled to photograph this pile of paper towels in the toilets, only to walk out of their near empty venue a whole TWO minutes later.. YEAAAS!! WOOOOOO!!
1:19AM - After ruling out the entire west end for my furthering misadventures (aaaah relax Supermild you know I'll be back for you later) I figured I'd hit the east end instead, distracted momentarily by THIS shiny red firetruck on Grenfell Street: not at all concerned over whether it may be attending to any kind of "emergency" or whether any minute now a building might actually explode in my face, but more concerned over how shit awesome it'd look in a photograph. Or in other words: yes my brain IS still splattered all over the floor of HQ thanks to The Shiny Brights (you fiiiends!) and YES there's a damn good chance I won't be collecting it any time too soon!
1:27AM - The Exeter: where all good beers go to die, or preferably drunk.. by ME! And would you believe this is only the second beer I've drunk all night!? I know! it's as disturbing to you as it is to me. In fact I don't even know why I'm talking to you about it now, instead of simply going straight back inside and ordering me up another one.. I mean really? WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING!?
1:43AM - But of course there are many other awesome reasons to be here at The Exeter BESIDES beer.. yeaaah I know, I'm struggling to think of them all too, but in the very least it does provide you with a much needed "antidote" against all the bloated excess you may've otherwise experienced in the west end tonight. I mean don't get me wrong here, HQ was freaking hiiilarious and all (and at LEAST five kinds of skull fuckingly superlative!) but y'know when you've had like a big blowout meal at "Hepatitis J's" or Mickey D's whatever-the-fuck, only to discover that half an hour later your stomach's still growling on empty!? yeaaah it's totally like that maaan, only on a "cultural level". Which is why we're obviously here at The Exeter to drink our fill. No really, since we're only one week past the Fringe Festival, all it takes is one quick shake of the outdoor furniture and it's amazing how many "culture vultures" you might uncover. Like say Anya Mcnicol-Windram here: still soaking up the endless accolades (and beers) from starring roles in both "Violet Rapscallion" and "An Awkward Seduction". I mean, how awesome is she!? SHIT YEAAAH!!
Or my doppelgänger "Kenny": I can't quite place what HE's done that's worthy of merit here, but check it out.. he totally stole Nazz's hat. Yeah he's like a rebel maaan, he's totally outta control!
Or what about "Totally Random Girl With A Goatee": aye? aaaye!? she's got spontaneous poetry scribbled all over her arm and everything.. OH IT DON'T GET MUCH MORE ARTY FARTY FUCK OFF AWESOME THAN THAT!! Seriously do I get drunk with the zaniest freaks here or WHAT!? WOOOO!!
1:50AM - For reasons utterly unbeknownst to me now (but apparently made abundantly clear to me then) it was decided there and then that they should scribble all over my arm too; I of course celebrated such a momentous occassion by accidently knocking out Anya here (ooops and I swear that's the THIRD time this week too!). And y'know what's REALLY disturbing about all that (besides the fact I just give Anya a head concussion!?) it actually took three times as much soap and water to remove HQ's "tramp stamp" tonight, than it did the permanent texta THEY used. Freaky huh!?
1:58AM - Turns out however that what I THOUGHT was a total knockout, a few too many x-rays and some serious soft-tissue brain trauma (aaaah haven't we all been there after a few too many drinks on a Friday!?) was simply a clever ruse on Anya's part. Y'see little did I realise that she was in actual fact a black belt in "midday soap opera" theatrics, she'd faked this connecting hit all this time, and while I was running about shrieking and calling her an ambulance.. she was happily stealing all my beer. Yup that's right people, I had fallen FOR THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK!!
2:08AM - Clearly shit was getting way out of hand here (as they're often prone to do in flimsily constructed narratives with no clear sign of conclusion). As so obviously I did what anyone else would do in a situation like this: I flicked on this cigarette lighter, waved it around ominously until they all shrank back into the shadows and when the coast was clear.. I fled the fuck out of there.
2:58AM - Moments after the "incident" (which we'll never speak of again), an ambulance comes to a screeching halt outside of The Exeter for the first time in recorded history. Two paramedics jump out in a blind frenzy, frantically searching high and low for exploding arteries, stillborn foetuses and whatever-the-fuck else I might have mentioned on the phone, only to quickly discover nothing of the sort here, only to promptly jump straight back into their ambulance and speed off to The Crown & Anchor instead. And yes I kinda wish I took a photograph of it all, except clearly I just made the whole thing up. Instead I obviously spent the past hour or so HERE, or in various locations near here, talking to the sort of people who don't usually end up on this blog, purely because I couldn't be arsed photographing them at the time. Still I assure you that they were endlessly witty and wildly entertaining (hi Melinda!) and not at all related to THIS photo just now of me hiding in the deepest darkest recesses of The Exeter (aka: the side bar), reading Rip It Up, in the hopes they wouldn't find me. Oh and speaking of Rip It Up, did you know The Shiny Brights were named after the laundry room where they do all their gig rehearsals? TRUE STORY!
3:18AM - A few minutes later I figured it might be good a time as any to move on to "greener pastures", totally unrelated to the fact that The Exeter might be closing up, or that The Crown & Anchor down the road might be surrounded by at least five ambulances, four cop cars and a helicopter news crew (aaah just like every other Friday night aye!?). And so taking Hindley Street west I seek out my bleedingly obvious destination. Along the way stopping off HERE momentarily, with the notion of maybe stepping inside.. only to soon realise it wasn't the newly "renovated" Rocket Bar that everyone's been telling me about (well ok.. nobody's been telling me about) but simply a pile of rotting garbage next to "Kentucky Fried Mouse". Still, I dare say I was tempted!
3:20AM - And hey how could you possibly go past the "Buddy Christ" church they opened up in what used to be Greater Union cinemas? No really, HOW EYE GOUGINGLY AWESOME IS THAT SHIT!? And better yet they appear to be sponsored by Coca Cola too? Mmmm caffeinated Christianity!
3:23AM - Yup I know we all saw this coming a mile off, so much so I half wonder if "going to Supermild" is a diagnosed mental condition now. But ha ha ha ha wouldn't it be hilarious if I went upstairs into Elysium instead? Wouldn't that completely blow your mind!? yeaaah.. or maybe not.
3:27AM - And so instead of giving you the same tired Supermild coverage I've presented upteen times before, like: "hey look at that fucking hipster!" or "ha ha ha ha it's Henri Dubois.. AGAIN? WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT HAPPENING!?" or "hey, here's yet another reason why long necks are so incredibly awesome: contraceptive device!", I figured I'd bring you some of the rarer treasures this place has to offer (especially when Ruby Chew isn't bartending so I can simply annoy her instead). For instance, have you ever seen this many limes all at once? YOU HAVE!? Woweee I so gotta leave the house more often, because limes clearly make everything SO MUCH better!
3:46AM - Or what about THIS: quite possibly the most awesome toilet graffiti I've ever seen, in my entire life, and the clearest sign YET that the script writers for "Terminator Salvation" clearly dropped the ball if they couldn't come up with a better plotline. I mean shit duuude.. if the science is correct here and 51% of global warming is actually caused by cow farts? (prove me wrong people.. PROVE ME WRONG!!) and all this is happening for real purely by accident!? then it stands to reason that we should never install super sophisticated CPUs into our dual flush systems.
3:55AM - Or what about!? *cough* yeaaah let's just forget we even saw this..
4:11AM - And as I attempt (and hopelessly fail) to come to grips with what has clearly been the craziest damn Friday night I've had in ages except for the last one.. oh and maybe that other one five weeks before it? (or yeaaah fuck it.. it's pretty much every week now isn't it?) I finally discover THIS scrawled on the otherside of my arm, "sometimes I'm a falcon": something I'd clearly missed amongst ALL THE OTHER STUPID SHIT that's been happening around me tonight. Hmmm. Now I assume it's all Anya's fault, or possibly one of her shitcrazy entourage from two hours ago.. either way? it's as clear a sign as any that I should've gone home hours ago. GOODNIGHT EVERYONE!
Yup this Adelaide scene is DEFINITELY getting "bigger". And some of you may ask like I do each week: who's to blame for all this!? Is it Triple J Unearthed? Is it myspaz, spazbook, twatter or whatever-the-fuck mobilising massive armies of screaming fans on an unprecedented scale? Is it all those wacky weekly installments of Plus One, Abracadabra, Gosh and Rendezvous getting all those fashion tragics away from their "status updates", and into the city in their hundreds and thousands? Is it this blog, could THAT be the cause!? naaah that couldn't be it! waaait you mean to tell me it is!? IT'S ALL MY FAULT!? HA HA HA HA OF COURSE NOT YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!! It's clearly global warming, irregular sun spot activity, magnetic pole reversal and swamp gas refracting off the planet Venus. I mean who the hell CARES anyways!? No the real question we gotta ask ourselves, now that all this shit IS getting so big.. HOW IN THE HELL DO WE MAKE IT ALL STOP!?