The Adelaide scene: to many of you it may be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctional splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
RIDE INTO THE SUN + THE BATTERY KIDS LIVE @ ARCADE LANE / Saturday March 13th 2010
This morning I had the weirdest dream. I mean yeah, suuure, pfft.. since when are they normal riiight!? but this one was REALLY WEIRD I swear; especially in how it all ended. I was at some lazy cafe, or maybe it was a restaurant: it was during the day, outdoor seating, blue skies, could've either been back of the South Australian Art Gallery or City West Campus (two places I almost never frequent mind you) or possibly just a jumbled combination of the two; either way there I was sitting at a small round table, thin metal chairs, facing a row of floor to ceiling windows. It's one of those "arty farty" scenster crowds: some I recognise, some I don't, tapping away at their laptops, checking their phones, huddled in cliques and conspiring, a collective look of fashionable and bored. Then it dawns on me (and rather quickly too) that this was all just a dream, and since I was bored too I think: "fuck it.. maybe I'll have some fun with this shit". And so I pick up one of those metal chairs next to me, like a tennis ball, like I'm clicking a mouse, and I hurl it straight at the windows in front of me. FUCK YEAAAH!! I'm hoping it'll shatter into a million pieces, I'm hoping peeps will bug the fuck out.. and yeaaah at best? I simply scratch the surface.. "huh, WHAT!?". And so obviously a teeny bit "miffed" by this, I simply pick up the same chair and try again. Still nothing! FUCK!! And so I keep on hurling that chair again and again, increasingly frustrated, STILL no shattered glass! Oh wait.. they're looking at me now, I've got their attention! some of them are even pointing at me and laughing (oh great that's JUST what I need!) and the window's all spidery to shit and still no punchline? DAAAMN YOU!! So eventually fed up with all that (like no shit!) I walk up to the window to inspect the "damage" (or lack thereof): and then as my last ditch effort, with all my fingers outstretched as if I'm performing an incantation, I focus my psychic energy on the "problem area" and *vip* it just heals right up, good as new.. "WHOAAA SHIT, NO WAY!?". Yup everyone's cheering, they're ecstatic, I'm ten foot tall with fuck off superpowers, I'm like Neo out of The Matrix, and then *BAM* I wake up? I know huh!? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT SHIT!?
Not surprisingly after a dream like that.. my hangover is brutal. Duuude it feels like someone has pulled my brain out with a pair of rusty pliers, kicked it about the floor for a good eight hours: the dirt, the sawdust, and what I could've sworn was pine bark (go figure?) and then they stuffed it right back into my skull again all backwards and up through my sinuses cavities like a smashed lamington, before kicking my head in a few times for good measure. And better yet? that was the least of it! Oh maaan my eyes felt like they were square pegs smashed into round holes, my ears were ringing off the hook.. I don't know who the fuck they were calling!? I had NO hand eye coordination.. I was playing pinball with the walls! and here I was planning on doing the same shit at Arcade Lane tonight!? Yup nothing out of the ordinary for me (and I SO earned it too!) but still I needed an antidote. And so in rapid succession I downed two panadol, two packets of mi goreng, fired up one Sigur Rós album with the walls spinning (curtains drawn), and then I bade my time till that one teeny tiny red balloon popped in my head. *PHEW!* Saturday night heeere we come!
Yup that's one hangover cured.. YAY!! unfortunately there were at least a million more to go. FUCK!! Turns out after three to six weeks of all this eye gouging lunacy: all these non stop parties, launches, festivals, openings, recitals, galas, showcases (and don't forget the burlesque shows, we simply can't get ENOUGH burlesque shows.. ooooh no!) this city is on the verge of one fuck of a monster meltdown, comedown and near fatal coronary. No shit it just can't take it any more, the entire scenster population (or least those of us who still have any sense left) have simply fled the entire metropolitan area in fright: the ground's got the shakes, the air is all sweaty; better yet? The Clipsal 500 is on this week, and everywhere you go in the east end it's fuck full of bogans. AND IF THAT DON'T KILL THE MAD FESTIVE BUZZ IN THIS CITY? THEN DUUUDE, NOTHING WILL!!
Obviously it's gonna be one fuglyarse night tonight. You'd have to be barking mad to be amongst it lest it piss all over you. But yeaaah I couldn't care less, I WAS ON A MISSION! Yup even when I got on the bus tonight, only to discover the entire back half was punching up to the ceiling in hooting and shrieking baboons (likely off to The Richmond in search of their very own "Lara Bingle" to molest) and everytime the bus came to a standstill they'd announce it triumphantly like it was a fucking sculling contest: "STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!".. oh it didn't bother me in the slightest! (freaked out all the other passengers mind you, but me? pfft I was fine!). I simply slipped "Sea Priest" on the ipod (just ripped today.. SCORE!!) blasted the volume to an earbleed in my headphones and I was long gone! Yup Adelaide may only be on the verge of a nasty hangover tonight, but trust me duuude.. I've been living with MINE just fine for well over a month now!
THE BATTERY KIDS (****) myspace :: I arrive at Arcade Lane, bus full of shrieking baboons at 9PM, thinking I'd gotten here "just in the tick of time". Only for some inexplicable reason it took at least two hours for anyone to get their shit together and put our opening act on stage (pfft.. well obviously dude! I mean why else would I be rambling for four paragraphs and post all those pre-show photos? BECAUSE I'VE GOT ANYTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO!?) but I dare say after all this lead up? our opening act made it well worth our while. And better yet? it also gave me plenty of time to get three or four beers into me to "enjoy" them more too.. SCORE!! Yup The Battery Kids are just one of "those" Adelaide bands. One of those assinine explosions of shitcrazy rock operatics that not only get all the more wilfully insane the more you see of them (hence all the heavy drinking), but also become all the more hilariously enjoyable to watch because of it. I like to think of them as a car crash rendition of Muse fronted by Daniel Johns from Silverchair, co-directed by Tim Burton and George Romero only with all the distortion pedals turned up. And no shit duuude when I first saw them? (quite possibly sober) it totally did my fucking head in. I mean just from watching their idiot bassplayer Tom Krieg run laps around a live stage alone, they're liable to cause epilectic seizures. But after a few live spins they really started to "grow on me"; quite like a fungus, or a mental illness, or quite possibly BOTH at the same time. Last time I saw them back in November they were launching their new single "Ancient Curse". Tonight they're launching yet another "Underneath Her Skin" (with an upcoming interstate tour) and coming soon after that? they're also releasing their album with the altogether succinct title of: "We’re Just Hanging While the Rats All Gather and the Vultures Circle Overhead" (launching June 11th). So with any luck they'll totally burn themselves out in six months time and we'll never see them again.. FUCK YEAH!! Still *cough* there was a lot to like about their set tonight. No really! Starting off with a bizarre 1950's crooner cover of.. oh fuck I dunno? it had the lyric "Crying Over Youuu"!? (anyone?) they then kicked into a mixed bag of pretty much every musical malfunction you can possibly think of stuffed into the one ill-fitting body: everything from aping My Chemical Romance, Kasabian to Bon Jovi, all unleashed with a spastic pastiche of crunching guitars, galloping equestrian beats, rubberband bass and way too many stupifying "owl" hooting choruses in between (I know, what's not to love huh!?). Their song "Ghost Town" was made all the more memorable tonight thanks to Tom Krieg fucking up his bass strings right at beginning; only to force the rest of the band to play an interlude for 2-3 minutes while he fixed it (pfft.. idiot!). They closed with their always popular cover of Nick Cave & The Bad Seed's "Red Right Hand" (ie: you've never quite lived until you've heard it accompanied by Shannon Juvan's hysterically effeminate thrashing and flailing). Oh and apparently it was also their drummer Shannon Simpson's birthday too. Or as the band put it ever so eloquently: "it's his birthday, he's single, he's twelve.. oh and he's gay". Yup there was truly something for everyone in tonight's set; even for the catholic clergy! The Battery Kids. They're about as subtle as a sledgehammer wired up with C4 explosives letting loose on a circus bazaar with accompanying commentary by Freddy Mercury.. but when you're completely shitfaced wasted? duuude there's nothing else quite like it!
11:54PM - Coming up next our "headlining act" are playing their first ever live show tonight. Hmmm. Initially you might think of that's a bit of an odd choice here, especially considering they're also headlining the last night of Arcade Lane (as being a "pop-up venue" and all, it's due to close with the rest of the Festival Fringe this weekend.. yeeeouch!) until you realise just WHO we are dealing with here. For Ride Into The Sun: featuring lead singer Anthony Candlish from Kytes Of Omar, guitarist Luke Mayes and keyboardist Jess Honeychurch both from Mona Lisa Overdrive, bass player Adam Vanderwerf from Empire Vagabond, and drummer James Thomas from Saint Huck, are hardly new to the Adelaide scene. No shit! They've already been promoting themselves like crazy for the past few months: uploading mad studio cuts to Triple J Unearthed, cooking up all manner of logos, posters and publicity photos, fuck maaan they're even working on a debut album with uber producer Matt Hills (tentatively set for release later this year). Yup to say their debut appearance tonight was "wildly anticipated" would be putting it mildly. I mean just LOOK at that crowd for one! Can ya feel the mad buzz? can you feel the excitement!? OOOOH FUCK YEAH!!
RIDE INTO THE SUN (***) myspace :: Problem is of course it's their "first show" tonight. OOOH FUCK!! And we all know where this is going riiight? Yup "first shows" almost ALWAYS blow a fucking goat (sometimes they even blow a hippo or a horse!). It's like a rule, or a rite of passage, or a particularly gruesome "initiation ceremony". Everyone knows it, everyone's been there (me included) we've all got our horror stories to tell, isn't that right Young Hearts Fail!? And the only way we can ever hope to survive them all is to simply grit our teeth, down some dutch courage, rip through our setlist as quickly as humanly possible, hope and pray it's not a total exploding bout of diarrhoea.. and then after it's over and done with our faithful rent-a-crowd can pat us on the back, tell us "what a great job" we did (even if they're obviously lying) and we can then proceed to get violently ill at the bar. "YEAAAS!! we've made it, we're still alive, we actually don't sound half bad, and best of all WE DIDN'T INVITE SPOZ TO TRASH US MERCILESSLY ON HIS BLOG!? YEAAAH!! WOOOOOO!! SHINY RECORD CONTRACTS HERE WE COME!!". Except of course Ride Into The Sun DID invite me (youuu idiots!), and worse still I actually turned up too (WOOOOHAHAhAHaHAHA!!) so to spare them all what will surely be a horrific review here.. I'll TRY and be brief. In short it would've been awesome, no really! it would've been mindblowingly insane, if it weren't for all their microphones fucking up on them. Ooops! Yup beginning with short sharp busts of squealing feedback, it culminated in the funniest fuckup of the night when, just prior to Anthony's acoustic number, his microphone completely cuts out on him (as the mixer frantically tries to fix it for five minutes or more) only for the sound on his acoustic to cut out too (FUCK YEAAAH!!) only for Anthony to completely lose his shit off mic and swear profusely: "we've already been fucked in the arse ONCE by this venue.. AND NOW WE'VE BEEN FUCKED IN THE ARSE TWICE!?" at which point he simply cuts the song in frustration; only for the rest of the band to swear profusely throughout the remainder of the set too as the vibe progressively turns to shit. YEEEOUCH!! Oh and the less said about their nonexistent lighting too the better (no really, I've had better luck at Rhino Room and Rocket Bar.. FUUUCK!!). Still all fuckups aside there WAS a lot to like about this band, even from the start. In fact Ride Into The Sun may very well be one of the most promising debuts for 2010. In a nutshell think of them as slow burning psychedelia accented in both film noir aesthetic and spaghetti western influence. Think "The End" by The Doors mixed with Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (especially in Anthony's vocals), The Black Keys, The Velvet Underground (especially in Luke's guitar riffs), Josh Homme's The Desert Sessions and a just a hint of The Dandy Warhols. Think minimal stabbing drums, plodding basslines, slow cooked guitars and keyboard flourishes accompanied by punch drunk vocals. Think brooding widescreen cinematography in sound, with songs that conjure everything in a desert landscape, so much so you can practically taste it.. the shifting sands, the heat shimmer, those bleached white cattle skulls gleaming in the sun. The band looks the part, they're method actors in their respective parts, they inhabit their roles completely; they're truly a class act. And in the middle when they rip into a truly inspired cover of Mazzy Star's "Wasted" with Jess on keys taking lead, only to stretch it out into an epic, face melting, nine minute space jam.. as Luke nearabouts dismantles his guitar to its subatomics and back!? ooooh man it's truly something else! Yup it's just a pity it was their debut gig tonight and so much of it was hilariously rife in dysfunction (and how!), but trust me maaan, Ride Into The Sun: give them a few weeks tops and they'll simply blow your bits away!
12:45AM - With Ride Into The Sun leaving the stage in a black cloud just now and with only ONE clear aim in mind (short of burying the mixer where the cops won't find him), ie: to get as hideously drunk as medical science could allow them: I figured "what the hey!" and followed suit. I mean a little "hair of the dog" couldn't hurt me right!? (pfft.. of course not duuude! IT'LL BE FREAKING HILARIOUS!!). And so after hitting the bar for some much needed supplies (and possibly going back for seconds) I joined in on all the "festivities" backstage. Now it's the first time I've ever been backstage here at Arcade Lane (and likely the last time too) and as much as I'm initially lost for words in describing it all, these photos might just sum up the vibe quite nicely..
1:08AM - Awwww I know, it kinda reminds us of home now doesn't it? Or yeaaah maybe it's just me? as quite coincidentally my "home" is just a few laneways over in the dumpsters between Jade Monkey and Hindmarsh Square (no really, come say hi sometime!) and yup just like home, it ain't short on creature comforts either: like this resplendant kitchen with it's well stocked refrigerator.
Or this luxury bathroom. And yes I know what you're thinking: kinda looks just like the kitchen only bigger riiight? but here's the trick maaan: if the bottles are FULL? it's the kitchen, but when the bottles are empty? it's actually the bathroom.. genius ain't it? TOTALLY!! And I swear we only got it mixed up once too (and yeaaah it's probably best we don't speak about it either *cough*).
And of course you can't go past this living room suite. check out those couches.. mmmm comfy!
And this is where they entertain all the "guests".. with what exactly? ha ha ha ha duuude! what CAN'T they entertain them with!? No really don't let this photo fool you, it's such a nonstop riot of excitement in here that I'm practically peeing myself unable to contain it all.. YEAAAS!! only I've forgotten where I "left it" afterwards, only to..? yeaaah you're probably better off not knowing.
1:40AM - After an hour's light entertainment and heavy drinking (aaaah and if only you knew the hilarious hijinx we got upto too), we return once more to Arcade Lane. And if two words could neatly sum up the prevailing vibe in here right now? it'd definitely be "sinking ship". Yup with the Fringe Festival closing up this weekend, and with the organisers eyeing the exit all night (they're award winners dontcha know!) it clearly hit an iceberg midway through Ride Into The Sun, and now this late in the night? next to everyone's simply manned lifeboats and fled the fuck outta here (whilst taking most of the bar with them too.. baaastards!) and now all that remains is Azz Strangelove on the DJ decks valiantly playing on as we "sink below those waves", while a small scattering of street artists like this one provide just that little hint of bohemian rhapsody in closing? Awww I know, it'll be SO sad to see this place go too! *sniff* Arcade Lane: sooo much fun, SO LITTLE MEMORY!
1:51AM - And as I pass by these exotic mannequins for the very last time.. I can't help but think that although Arcade Lane may soon be gone, quite possibly forever, quite possibly temporarily (as word on the street is they're hoping to establish this shit all year round.. no really, imagine how ridiculously awesome that'd be in winter when it rains!? YEAAAS!!) in a few weeks time I'll still be returning here regardless.. just so I can piss on the same hallowed turf where so much art, colour and culture once flourished. Aaaah I know huh? there's something so poetic in that isn't there!?
2:12AM - Knowing full well those knuckle dragging bogans from Clipsal 500 would be roaming freely through the east end tonight, partying on anywhere NEAR them obviously wasn't an option. As such I'd already ruled out The Crown & Anchor: as surely that "human toilet" would be overflowing upto its proverbial light fixtures in Holden shirts, Jim Beam caps, shrieking monosyllables and sloping monobrows; and I wasn't nearly desperate enough to give The Austral a go and face off against all the jocks there (pfft!); and as much as I assumed The Exeter wouldn't fair much better? aaaah what the hell, I had to go somewhere. Only the minute I arrived here it appeared everyone else had already left. Hmmm, so fuck it.. guess it's the west end aye?
2:52AM - I next figured I'd hit Format Festival in Peel Street, which would've been a brilliant idea if only it hadn't fallen prey to the same invisible "locust swarm" that must have emptied out The Exeter.. or yeaaah perhaps I simply left it too late. And thus I was faced with one of two options in going forward (excluding the one that lead to me taking a taxi home of course). Either (a) I start up my very own "pop-up" venue here in this alleyway off Currie Street (not at all coincidental to the fact I might've been pissing on it at the time), or (b) take the bleedingly obvious route instead.
3:04AM - And so to the surprise of absolutely no one, I end up here at Supermild. YEAAAS!! Although it did surprise me a little that I'd been followed all the way by THIS freak, especially considering I'd secretly been trying to lose him since Arcade Lane (aaaah and you SO wouldn't know it from the look this photo, would you?). Still he did prove useful on ONE account: he DID buy both our long necks just now. So to you Paul.. or whoever-the-fuck you are again? I salute you!
3:17AM - And so it was here that we spent the remainder of the night. Cheerfully drinking ourselves retarded from one hangover to the next, with all the other whimsical brain injuries who fled the Clipsal 500 for safety here tonight.. like this dude who totally looks like Thurston Moore.
Or "Bloodnutt Brett" here with his ventriloquist dummy "Kane" (aka: The Gimp).
Which obviously I had to ruin by getting myself in the shot too.
Or totally random dude here.. supplying us with the most ridiculously awesome photo of the night.
Totally random dude with his ventriloquist dummy.
And totally random dude with some other "dude" who I swear totally ISN'T me but merely my doppelgänger "Kenny" having a laugh at my expense (despite any uncanny resemblance that we may otherwise share) as clearly at no point tonight was I ever THIS retardingly drunk *ahem*
4:42AM - Many hours hence as I exit Supermild: in a totally orderly, erudite, upright and civilised fashion through Jive's carpark (and not at all in the shriekingly retarded fashion to which many of you may otherwise be accustomed) I couldn't help but sense an unearthly silence fill the air around me. It was as if a great many blitheringly incoherent voices had simultaneously ceased to function, collapsing comatose in the many gutters, medium strips, trees, front gardens, bathtubs and police lockups of this wide brown suburbia, leaving me alone with my thoughts at last. Aaaah such bliss!
4:43AM - But since I clearly didn't have any "thoughts" left in my head (gee and I can't imagine why!?) I simply found myself standing here instead, laughing myself stupid and photographing the exact same spot where I found that awesome puddle of vomit from last night.. only now it's long since faded into the asphalt; and in doing so reducing the entire epic impact of a million and one festivals Adelaide's "enjoyed" in the past six weeks, into the one ironic allegory. Quite a poetic statement isn't it? I know.. sometimes I really am THAT clever. Oh and check it out too: that cigarette butt on the far right? totally hasn't moved an inch since Friday. How trippy is THAT shit!?
Yup given time everything fades away: whether it be that ever present pounding, throbbing and buzzing making you uneasy; or that irrepressible pressure threating to cave your chest in whilst simultaneously making you feel as if your brain's gonna explode out through your eye sockets; or all that colour, chaos, carnage and endless excitement keeping you constantly awake day and night!? when this weekend's over it will all be gone! Replaced only by the soothing sound of a million and one sad souls "sleeping it off" in suburbia; and leaving you with little more to attend to for the rest of year than a million and one single, EP, and album launches until you quite simply want to SMASH SOMETHING "GNAAARGGGHHH!!".. at which point you'll simply pop two panadol and then you'll be fine again. YEAAAS!! here's to sweet "normality" baaaby, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!!
FIRE! SANTA ROSA, FIRE! + STEERING BY STARS + FRIENDS SINGLE + FILM CLIP LAUNCH PARTY @ JIVE / Friday March 12th 2010
I don't know about you maaan, but it feels like a Tuesday. I know it's a Friday, but I swear it's a Tuesday; like no really that was all I could think about while I was taking the bus into town tonight: "it feels like a Tuesday!" like it was a tangible thing, like I could taste its "Tuesday-ness" tingling on my tongue. Or maybe it's a Thursday? or is it a Sunday!? Monday? WEDNESDAY!? Wait, fuck! where am I again? I smell like I've been fucked over by a dumpster, I haven't had a shave in well over a week, my compass is all spinning in the wrong direction and don't even get me started on my circadian rhythm.. "AAAAHAHAhAHAhaHA PARTY ON DUUUDES!! WOOOOOO!!" Yeaaah you know that feeling when you're so freaking exhausted, when you're SO utterly spent, when that "little white line" of yours is swinging waaay past the "E" on the gas tank, and you start laughing and laughing and then you simply can't stop? I passed that point weeks ago.. I think they just elected me its president (I swear there was an inauguration ceremony and everything!). Yup the way I see it, I'm on "tour" here, I've been on this tour here for yeaaars now, embedded with the troops, on the frontlines, tag-teaming from one platoon to the next, camera in hand, doing my best to cover the "bigger picture" for all you people back home. It's been quite the mad buzz lemme tell you! I wouldn't give it up for the world (The Crying Game last week!? HIIILARIOUS!!) and what makes it even funnier? the more I experience it, the more I see it, the more I live it, TASTE IT, the more I swear everything starts to look the same! (in fact I swear even this whole argument's already been "done" to death before) it's hilarious! Each week the SAME faces smile back at me (and then give me the finger), the same city sights, the same sounds, smells, everywhere I go it all simply blurs into one. And then it hits me.. it IS the same maaan, WHY!? BECAUSE I NEVER FUCKING LEAVE!! And then yup, I can't help but laugh even louder.. BRILLIANT!! Is it a Friday or a Tuesday? Is this Adelaide, Sydney or Melbourne? pfft who even cares anymore!? I'M RIGHT WHERE I WANNA BE!!
8:53PM - And so I stumble blindly through both sets of doors and into Jive tonight, laughing my arse off, yammering hysterically about "demon dimensions", and how "time flows so differently from the one where I come from" and I think I stole that bit from Buffy The Vampire Slayer too: not all coincidental to someone just now remarking how this joint bears an all too uncanny resemblance to "The Bronze" (yeaaah you'll know it if you've seen it) "NO SHIT!? A FRIEND OF MINE TOLD ME THE EXACT SAME THING SIX YEARS AGO, FREAAAKY!". Wait.. where am I again? Oh yeah! As for why I'm here tonight? duuude why else!? It's for a launch party hosted by Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire! (yup heeere comes another one!). One where they're not only celebrating the launch of their shiny new single: "Little Cowboys, Bad Hombres" (which you can download here), and its accompanying film clip and wacky t-shirt merchandising, but they're also sneaking out advance copies of their debut album "Sea Priest" too (released nationwide on March 19th I believe) before buggering off on an interstate tour. Awesome huh!? OH YOU BET IT IS!! Or in other words (ie: for those of you still keeping score at home) all this can only mean one thing for ME this week: I ain't getting my "compass" back anytime soon. Hmmm.. speaking of which, where's the bar again!?
9:18PM - Moments after getting my first beer (or three) for the night it suddenly occurs to me: I'd somehow snuck into this gig for "free" too. And I know what you're all thinking: "damn it Spoz quit rubbing it in! isn't your name ALWAYS ON THE DOOR!?". Well suuure it is, and I'm always grateful when they hook this shit up for me too (awwww no really guys you're the best!) it's just that when I arrived tonight, I was so early for once that they hadn't even set up the door yet "WAIT, WHAT!?" and thus I simply slipped on through without anyone acknowledging it. And I know it sounds silly, but that whole "these aren't the droids you're looking for" comedy routine I get to pull everytime I go to a show!? THAT'S HALF THE FUN OF SHOWING UP!! (no really it's like I'm all "depressed" now). And so to make up for what is clearly my lamest "disappointment" of the night (no really I'm SO turning up late next time just so I can make a big song and dance over it) I've decided to spend the next ten to fifteen minutes slumped on these couches "sulking" whilst simultaneously attempting to take photos of THIS pint glass balanced on my stomach. Why? well why the fuck not duuude? I mean how freakingly badass is this shit!? YEAAAH!! WOOOOOO!!
9:32PM - Still there are a "few" advantages of turning up extra early tonight (besides creeping out next to everyone around you with all of your assinine pint glass antics) not least of which tripping out to our launch party's choice selection in pre-show DJs. OOOOH YEAH!! it truly doesn't get much better than this! I mean why would you ever need all those other talentless crapweasel DJs from Transmission, Plus One, Sputnik, Rendezvous or yada yada "fashion tragic" whatever-the-fuck pissing in your ears: when you've got Sam Stearne and Artyom Zinoviev from Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire!, or Matt Hayward their psychotic band manager, or that skinnyarse twat who's in The Waterslides (Luke Ergo-raam? Ego? Eygen!? aaaah fuck it!), or THIS guy.. yeaaah everyone loves this guy right!? HA HA HA HA, DAVE HE'S FREAKING HILARIOUS!! (no seriously maaan you're scaring me). Hmmm *cough* so when are these bands turning up already!? this is SO getting awkward!
FRIENDS (****1/2) myspace :: Speaking of such here comes one now. Yup you may recognise these exciteable idiots from their all too brief appearance in last week's blog. Except THIS time I'm actually giving a real live review, instead of simply cracking bad jokes at their expense involving even worse sitcoms from the 90's (aaaah imagine if they ever covered that crappyarse theme tune by the Rembrandts? HOW MUCH WOULD THAT SUCK!? "yeaaah probably a whole lot less than the original".. OOOOH BURN!!). Yup they're called Just Shoot Me *cough* I mean.. Friends, they're one of the most impossible band names ever to hunt down in a google search (no shit!), this is the first time I've ever written about them in this blog.. but it's not the first time I've ever mentioned them in print. Nope if ever you picked up that "Hot Six" edition of Rip It Up earlier this year: you might have seen me in teeny tiny letters recommending them alongside other such "luminaries" as Steering By Stars, 20th Century Graduates, Cortez, Two Suns and The Honey Pies as one of the bands to watch in 2010; and at the time you might have wondered WHY (and not just because Rip It Up were insane enough to put ME in print.. AAAAHAHaHAhAhA!!). Well as much as I readily admit they were a last minute addition on my behalf, based purely on that ONE show I caught of theirs back on Boxing Day at The Exeter: they sure as shit don't disappoint tonight (nor in fact in any of the other times I've ever seen them live). Formed between Ben Quici on lead (formerly Antony Of The Future), Josh Phillips on guitar, Liam Kenny on bass (formerly Billy Bishop Goes To War) and James Mannix on drums (formerly Tyger Tyger) they're lo-fi grunge and garage punk at its psychotic "ear bleeding" best.. OOOOH YEAH, THEY'RE FUCKING BRUTAL! Think equal parts Grinderman, Nirvana and The Sex Pistols with none of the pissy compromise. Think visceral screaming, junkyard wailing and howling distortion delivered as exploding ear candy. Think of that one "hilarious" scene out of Fight Club where Jaret Leto gets the shit kicked out of him by Edward Norton, only multiply it by ten (aaaah Jaret Leto! everyone loves that guy don't they?). In fact fuck "thinking" altogether. Drink yourself blind, bring all your fuckup friends wielding four-by-twos, go beserk like Begbie out of Trainspotting; duuude you'll fucking love it! They're 100% catharsis, they're audial ultraviolence in a can, they're inner peace achieved with a screaming fist; and the more drunk you get on it? duuude the better they'll make you feel (no shit, I've had all of three beers tonight and already I'm mad buzzing). Friends. They're like the cure to EVERYTHING stupid that used to piss us off about the Adelaide scene in 2009, they're wiping the slate clean for 2010, indie disco's dead, it's buried under six feet of dirt.. and they're holding the shovel; come party with them some time!
STEERING BY STARS (****1/2) myspace :: Which brings us to our second act. And in welcome response to all the howling, shrieking, flailing and fuck off intensity of our opening act (ie: everything you could ever ask for in a "warm up act" tonight short of dousing us in petrol and flicking a lit match.. FUCK YEAAAH!!) they counter by providing us with an equal and opposite dose in soothing introspection (read: shit you can totally take drugs to). Which not only makes both these bands in combination brilliant "bookends" to each other, and genius supports to Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire! in following (as we'll soon see) but also highlights one of Steering By Stars more curious, dare I say "vulnerable" qualities on a live stage. You see, far be it for Steering By Starts to dream of overwhelming a room by force like so many other bands, they instead act as a more "passive aggressive" compliment to a room, or one that's highly dependent on it for feeding into their vibe (or kinda like the musical equivalent of Mahatma Gandhi only with a shitload more effects pedals.. weeeeee!!). Yup every one of their live gigs is ever so slightly different (and fascinatingly so) simply because there's ever so many teeny tiny variables that can feed into the equation. Like say.. letting off a string of firecrackers during Rory O'Connor's xylophone solo in "Blush Response", or banging a gong everytime drummer Tom Smeets hits a cymbal, or letting rip with a novelty airhorn (just for the fuck of it!), or triggering Jive's "silent" alarm, or detonating a carefully timed roof collapse, or roasting a pig on a spit.. whilst naked, or even something as utterly trivial as swapping singer Lachlan Wilson's white tic-tacs with orange ones (and then slipping in some LSD). Simple things I know, but it's amazing how much of an exponential difference they can make in just how we experience Steering By Stars live. Hmmm. And so, in effort to describe THIS set tonight (and what made it ever so special compared to all the others) I believe some of these "variables" may be worth addressing. Firstly their live mix, thanks to our resident Bob The Builder "tweaking the forest of a thousand nipples" was without a doubt some of the best shit I've heard from this band in ages: the richness in reverb, the warmth, the character, it just gives everything that "little bit extra". Secondly their flow between songs is utterly seamless, dreamlike, hypnotic.. masterful even. Thirdly the crowd are awed into near silence, soaking up every note, every nuance (a marked contrast from that show at the Jade Monkey when the crowd simply wouldn't shut up.. DAMN YOU!!). Then there's Rory O'Connor's new "jughead" haircut that's somehow given him newfound aerodynamics abilities (duuude I swear he was hovering a few inches off the ground at one point!), and as for their singer Lachlan Wilson? well thanks to all the wacky painkillers he was on tonight (thanks to fucking up his wrist earlier this week.. possibly "nintendo" related) oh trust me duuude he was on a whole OTHER level! Watch him go fucking apeshit in their second song off that video: WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION ALONE! In fact I may just go back to the door again and pay my $12.. just to prove a point! (or yeaaah maybe I'll just hit the bar again *ahem*). And as for what any of shit this had to do with their bass player Adrian Reveruzzi and HIS schtick tonight? pfft.. nothing at all duuude! No really, no matter what the circumstance, no matter where the gig is: he ALWAYS has the same goofy expression on his face like he's munted on pills. FUCK YEAAAH ADRIAN, FANG THAT SHIT YA RHYTHMICAL STONER!! WOOOO!! Yup that's Steering By Stars "killing us softly" tonight. This may be the fourth time I've seen them live in five weeks.. but damnit, they never fail to amuse. Encore! ENCORE!!
FIRE! SANTA ROSA, FIRE! (*****) myspace :: Now before I proceed to "savagely rip into" our headlining act (or more accurately provide you with what will surely be an "embarassing fluff piece" rife with superlatives, expletives AND excessive praise.. YEAAAS!!) you may have noticed that I've finally added the missing comma back into their name. Yeaaah you know the one: between the "Rosa" and the "Fire!"? The exact same comma I've ignored for a good three years now? Ooooh yeah and I bet it totally bugged the crap out of them too? (isn't that right Dave!?). Yeaaah I'll admit it.. I totally pulled that shit on purpose, I'm really THAT freaking evil, and I've been pissing myself laughing at your expense ALL THIS TIME! (No shit I even pull this shit with Sincerely Grizzly WOOOOHAHAhAHaHA, SEE? I DID IT AGAIN!! I'M FREAKING HIIILARIOUS!!). But you know what? after all the head exploding awesomatude I saw here tonight? (and then some!) awww to hell with it! They deserve so much more than a comma! they deserve like two commas, no wait.. four exclamation points! all caps! added emphasis! neon letters! fuck off flames! explosions! "WTF!? ZOMG!! LASER BEAMS, FIRE!!"? yeah that about sums it up. I mean no shit duuude, WHERE DO WE EVEN BEGIN!? For the "Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire!" you see here tonight ain't the same "Fire! Santa Rosa Fire!" you knew of old. OOOOH FUCK NO!! There's no hummingbird jokes, there's no skinhead hecklers, there's no picking on their keyboardist Art Zinoview for the upteenth time (he won an award dontcha know!) they're totally brand new! And after a six month "hiatus" between shows they're launching the absolute SHIT out of their new single tonight! OOOOH FUCK YEAH, they're truly in their element! Their opening number Ghostress does nothing short of blast our innards into the ceiling like a fucking bomb blast. We're talking guitars wailing layer upon layer like a tsunami, pounding war rhythms, a fuckoff juggernaut breakdown that easily puts Interpol's "PDA" to task. Everyone's screaming mad around me, it's complete and utter pandemonium; but the apocalyptic live mix easily gobsmacks them into submission (yup that'd be Bob The Builder again: oh yeah he's totally ripping it!). AND IT'S ONLY THE FIRST SONG!? DUUUDE!! Yup in every sense they're commanding this stage like a conquering army; thanks especially to the addition of Nathaniel Morse on second guitar: providing that epic widescreen flourish and attack that they were so sorely missing (ie: ever since former guitarist Andrew Walenczykiewicz smoked every last cigarette of theirs back in 2006-2008), but also thanks to Caitlin Duff's beguiling presence centre stage too (I swear she's even a few inches taller tonight.. weird!). But as their set progresses past all the "obvious" hits like War Coward and Animal Spirit Guide whatever-the-fuck, what strikes me the most is all the depth and character found in their "b-sides", all those non-singles (or yet to be) waiting to be discovered on their album. Some like Cold Star I was more than familiar with (they've been tweaking that puppy since late 2008). But others like Ghostress, Test Crowd and Onionknight; as much as I may've already heard them as works in progress; really exploded into life tonight. And there's also this curious stylistic contrast they're developing too: between Caitlin and Dave's increasingly fragile "freak folk" delivery and the avalanche of post punk/math instrumentation around them. It'll sway from one extreme to the next, occassionally the vocals will get overwhelmed, occassionally they'll take centre stage (like in April/May) but it's fascinating all the same. Between teeny tiny pip squeak and epic ten foot apocalyptic war machine? THAT'S Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire! in a nutshell duuude! They're like a head explodingly awesome Super Nintendo game cartridge come to life: only it's the princess who's armed to the teeth on a mission to save Mario. Yup there can be no doubt: tonight's single launch is killing it, the film clip's all kinds of hilariously awesome (it's got paper cannons and everything!), Jive's packed to the ceiling, it's a mad fucking buzz, but just wait until they launch the album! Duuude if these songs are any indication? (and I haven't stopped spinning them all week) you'll want to bring your welding goggles and a spare pair of pants, because it's gonna be LAAARGE!
1:03AM - But of course our launch party didn't have to end THERE (pfft what are you kidding me!?) OOOOH FUCK NO!! There's still plenty more whizz-bang "excitement" to be had at Jive. Like say.. watching their bass player Josh Flavel balance a beer on top of his head? oh wait it gets even better! he even walked a full five metres with it without spilling a drop! aye? aye!? hiiilarious!
1:26AM - Or what about Matt Hills (aka: Bob The Builder) here? farting out all the letters of the alphabet to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm" while Caitlin Duff played along with the flute!? Oh sure you can't see her now, she's far faaar away, quite possibly backstage with a gasmask on (yeaaah try not to think the logistics of THAT for too long) but I swear if you were here and you heard it? it was SO haunting, there wasn't a dry eye left in the house (a few people even fainted!).
1:33AM - Or what about THIS guy? HA HA HA HA what? Matt Hayward!? shit damn duuude, what CAN'T this raging enigma, this molotov cocktail, this living legend of all legends do to fire up a party!? NOTHING THAT'S WHAT!! he's like every damn reason I can think of to drink myself blind into a speeding ambulance; stuffed into one blue and black checkered shirt. You should see him ride one of those teeny tiny bicycles through a ring of fire.. I couldn't eat solid food for a week!
1:37AM - Oh yeah you're totally kicking yourself retarded for not showing up tonight aren't you!? YEAAAH? WELL YOU DAMN WELL SHOULD BE!! Just like Matt Hayward here is likely kicking HIMSELF retarded, over the fact that he was insane enough to ask me to take all of these photos just now.
1:42AM - And then totally unrelated to anything you might have seen us do in the past half hour, and anything I can't otherwise discuss until the "court case goes to trial", we were promptly thrown out of Jive by barstaff and security (puppetry of the penis? pfft.. what puppetry of the penis!?) but since Matt Hayward here was still gagging for a "richter nine fender bender" (ie: if that photo below doesn't immediately make that apparent) there obviously had to be a follow-up plan. Matt immediately suggested La Sing karaoke, I immediately countered with Format Festival and $9 long necks, we both agreed to disagree.. and so we both went our separate ways to investigate.
1:52AM - My journey along Hindley Street was more or less uneventful. I mean suuure it's always "more or less uneventful", so much so I always seem to miss out on every damn drive by shooting, stabbing, murder, bomb threat, gas attack, viking invasion or werewolf attack on this street by at least five minutes (and I swear it pisses me off too!) but tonight it was even MORE uneventful; or at least it WAS until I stumbled upon this statue opposite Mickey D's on Bank Street. Hmmm yup.. I was pretty sure it wasn't here a month ago, I didn't have a clue where it came from, and I could've sworn it was emitting a low "humming" noise too; so just to be on the safe side I figured I'd take a photo. Yup, if you've got any theories on whether it's of terrestrial or extraterrestrial origin, let me know? because seriously duuude!? this tripped me the hell out!
1:53AM - Still very much shaken by my close encounter of the "retarded kind" I arrive at Format Festival at last: only to realise that not only had the bar already stopped serving beer (damnit!) but that I didn't have a single clue what it was that all these people were playing on the street outside. I mean was it stickball? handball? hacky sack? hopscotch? coke can soccer? or were they simply directing traffic for yet more alien statue visitations!? Either way I really didn't want to stick around to find out (no shit, can anyone see an actual ball here!?) so I snuck the fuck outta there.
2:03AM - Sprinting back down Hindley Street, I was hoping to catch up with everyone else before they left for La Sing: only to realise I was too late and they were already long gone. Bugger! Still I DID photograph this genius pile of vomit in the carpark out back, so hey it's wasn't a total loss riiight!? No shit! you're SO glad you tuned into Spoz's Rant this week, aren't you!? OOOOH YEAH!!
2:07AM - As I approach The Ed Castle I briefly entertain the idea of heading in, start laughing (aaaah fuck I love this place.. so many punchlines!) and then take the next turn down Gray Street.
2:13AM - Now obviously I was looking for La Sing, only I didn't have the first clue how to get there, despite the fact I'd already been there before (because let's face it, who ever remembers where any karaoke joint is between 2AM and 7AM on a Friday night!?). So to help me in my mad mission: I sent a quick SMS to Matt Hayward, he rather helpfully replies with "cougar street", only I didn't have the first clue where THAT was either.. so I thought fuck it and simply headed south.
2:25AM - Oh riiight.. GOUGER STREET!!
2:40AM - Now obviously I won't be showing you ANY of the sordid details of what really went on in here tonight as obviously "what happens at La Sing? STAYS AT LA SING!!" (especially if it involves any unnecessary appearances by our state treasurer Kevin Foley). And thus, you won't be seeing any of the video that I may have "accidently" captured of Mike "Party Man" Radzevicius in action (click that link and you may begin to understand why) or any other video of anyone else for that matter.. no matter how much you may beg and plead (or *cough* just ask me privately) but STILL this doesn't mean I can't show you some of the other more trivial, but no less amusing shit you may happen to find here. Like this sign advertising "Pink Pussy" shots for example? hiiilarious!
2:48AM - Or all THESE plates of "free" food that kept appearing. Ones which I could never figure out for the life of me whether they were actually "free", whether someone in our group had merely ordered them, whether someone we didn't know had ordered them well over half an hour ago and we simply "inherited" them, or whether.. yeaaah I pretty much didn't care either way (I highly recommend the chicken wings: they're like a party in your pancreas and EVERYONE'S INVITED!!).
3:04AM - Before too long Matt Hayward spots me with my camera and figures it'd be hilarious if I shot yet more photos of HIM here doing, well whatever-the-fuck it is that he's doing (and wow doesn't Freya look REALLY pleased by that too!). And moments later utterly unrelated to all that? my camera battery goes completely "dead" and I celebrate by getting another beer at the bar.
4:07AM - A little over an hour later Matt finally figures out that I may have simply invented the whole "battery" thing, at which point my camera makes a "miraculous" recovery. "Woweee what are the chances of THAT? HA HA HA HA.. WEIRD!!". Which is just as well really, because otherwise we would've missed out on such ripe comedy gold as: "Matt Hayward reacts to things". For instance here's some douchebag who thought it'd be genius to bring an acoustic guitar to a karaoke bar..
And this is Matt Hayward reacting to it.
4:22AM - This is me and some random guy who I've never met before in my entire life but we figured we'd still team up for a song anyways (the title of which I've conveniently forgotten), making a sound not all that dissimilar to a walrus giving birth to a volvo whilst Tiny Tim gets beaten to death with cricket bats.. and didn't the crowd go completely nuts for it!? FUCK YEAAAH!!
And this is Matt Hayward reacting to it.
4:26AM - At this point it suddenly dawns on Matt that since I'M the one taking all these photos here, and they're on my camera, and there's a good chance they might end up on my blog too: then there's also a good chance that all these photos he wanted me to take tonight may backfire on him horribly. And moments later and utterly unrelated to all that? I claim my brain's gone "dead" at which point I stuff all my pockets full of chicken wings, and flee the fuck out of there.
4:29AM - However my fast exit is cut all too short the minute I slam into THIS across the road. I'm not quite sure what it is, there's a lot of conflicting messages, I THINK it's trying to warn me about low flying UFOs, and that they're moving ahead at ten kilometres per hour, and they work for Australia Post? and maybe they all give way to triangles!? (yeah? good for them!) and so obviously I do what anyone else would do in a situation like this.. and I simply jump the fence.
4:58AM - Firstly I've got no idea how the FUCK I got into Supermild just now. I mean really, I'm quite impressed by that. Secondly it appears I'm suddenly a shit hot DJing!? I mean seriously is it just me? or does everyone else get fuck off superpowers when they're shitfaced? NO REALLY, WHAT THE FUCK!? I mean suuure I'm already well aware of all that freaky telekenetic "brain" shit I can pull with streetlights but this!? THIS is ridiculous! I mean.. HOW DO I GET UPTO ALL THESE WACKY ADVENTURES!? And yeaaah I know what you're all thinking: "you're just dicking around aren't you Spoz? I mean c'mon those headphones? and that towel on your head!?" Yeah!? well check THIS shit out: DJ Ross Ross Ross, that dude who totally runs Transmission? CHECK OUT THE TOWEL ON HIS HEAD. How'd you like them apples now!? Spoz: 1, Totally logical argument: 0. Spoz wins!
5:00AM - And now for no good reason (as clearly "good reason" went home a looong time ago) Gloria and Henri Dubois magically materialise in front of me just as Supermild's closing up (weird how that always happens!?) and suggest quite rightly that we all should continue getting hilariously shitfaced elsewhere. And obviously I'm more than willing to endorse this plan, simply because hell.. if I get even more fuckoff superpowers here? then maybe someone will make me the Pope.
5:18AM - What they failed to tell me however was that this "elsewhere" would be here. And no I'm not going to tell you where this "here" IS exactly: only that it's two circles of hell above The Strathmore and The Casino, and also that sign you see there "Rosemont Stadium" is clearly a lie.
5:21AM - Of course there is one DAMN good reason for being here of all places (besides the fact they're one of the few places in Adelaide that still serve beer past 5AM without being arseraped by pounding techno, bikie gangs, and an $8 cover charge) and that's for their imperial pints of beer.
5:25AM - Here's Griffy Griff (scene stealer extraordinaire) displaying the proper technique in consuming an "imperial pint", whilst simultaneously consuming three other drinks surrounding it.
5:26AM - This is what happens when he loses grip of one of those drinks (thankfully not the imperial) and it shatters all over the table. Even better? totally the second glass he broke here too!
5:30AM - And in closing, as obviously I blacked out soon after this and woke up in hospital.. or maybe I simply caught a taxi home: this is JC (aka: "Thom Yorke Jnr") drummer for Wolf & Cub making an appearance in this blog for no other good reason than to flick glass shards in my eye.
Yeaaah.. I really do bring out the best in people, don't I?
Yup as much as I don't STILL have a clue where I am, or why my left arm's gone numb, or why my right one is still thrashing and flailing, or why that car is honking its horns at me as I lie face down gargling on what appears to be a medium strip? as much as I may be completely and uttery certifiably insane here!? this DEFINITELY feels like a Friday and not a Tuesday now. YEAAAS!! I WIN!! I mean suuure it's not much of a victory, in fact it isn't much of anything at all (I mean what the fuck!?) and I'm pretty damn certain any minute now my pancreas is going to piss out of my ears like a glorious fountain (aaaah it's always that ONE organ you least suspect huh?) but duuude after all we've been through of late, after all that I have seen here, yeaaah at least it's a start!
