The Adelaide music scene: to many of you it might be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctioning splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
CAT & THE BRAT'S WEDDING LIVE @ JADE MONKEY / Sunday September 2nd 2007
"WTF!!? you're doing wedding's now!!? duuuuuuude what happened!? you used to be cool!"
Yup, that's right kiddies! In the 3rd and final episode this week I'm out here at the Jade Monkey on a lazy 'ol Sunday evening to cover a freaking wedding; like FUCK maaaan what the HELL am I thinking? Clearly I've well and truly lost the fucking plot if THIS is the sort've subject matter I've been reduced to.. except, as we all know this couldn't possibly be no ORDINARY wedding to appear on SPOZ's RANT; oooooh no kiddies, this is much much worse! for the intended victims tonight, the bride and groom to be are none other than Peter & Megan, aka: the infamous "Cat & The Brat" DJ's from 3D Radio. Of course for most of you dweebs out there NOT in the Adelaide music scene or obssessed with listening to badly mastered backroom demo's back announced by stoner DJ's who sound like they're on hayfever medication all day long, this will likely mean absolutely nothing to you (especially to someone like me who doesn't even LISTEN to *cough* community radio!). So, lemme just spell it out for you in a way everyone can appreciate - MUTHA FUKKIN' ROCK N ROLL WEDDING YO! WOOOOOO!!
Tonight the theme appears to be a mashup between a Buddhist ceremony, The Beatles "Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club" album cover and an alcoholics synonymous meeting. So in keeping with the auspicious spirit, the venue is decked out in all manner of these wacky gold statuettes, candles, weird shit in jars and jangling hippy new age music with chimes n shit..
This spaced out old hippy (who's apparently a bona fide Buddhist monk) is wheeled out to do his thing: which by the looks of it is either to spend most of the night motionless in a serene state of meditative one'ness with the cosmos, or to sleep off all our collective hangovers.
These somewhat familiar scensters: LeighStarDust on the left and Denni the bass player (from everyone's favourite Adelaide suicide band Brillig) act as MC's for the night (which as much as I can gather merely gives them an excuse to empty out the open bar tab all night.. bastards!).
Here's the official wedding party that appears to be featuring Brian Molko from Placebo, Alice In Wonderland, Mr Blurry Face (oooh, he's the life of the party!) some random dude with a Michael Bolton haircut from the 90's, a random pair of arms and legs, and Pete (the groom's) kid.
Then there's a whole host of friends, family and other wedding guests who literally form a who's who of the Adelaide Scene's most washed up former rock celebrities..
and lets not forget THIS random 'ol geezer, who wins the award tonight for having the most freakingly AWESOME clown hair of an aging rockstar ever.. YEAAAAS!!
and finally the entirely unnecessary photo of the bride and groom (note: in case all this frilly shit is confusing you - the bride is on the LEFT and the groom is on the RIGHT, not vice versa).
Next we proceed with the entirely too long Buddhist wedding ceremony. Most of it is more or less forgettable (and goes for freakily hours too long) but amongst all the hippy gibberish and chanting there's this one entertaining bit where the monk presents the bride and groom with what appears to be a well formed ceremonial dung pile, and asks them to eat it..
which is soon followed by everyone getting drunk off ceremonial rice wine..
the bride and groom are presented with the collapsable white layered Devo hat..
"I say whip it.. whip it good.. doo dee doo di doo doo di dee doo doo!"
and after some fiddly knot tying, out pops one happily married couple.. weeeeeee! :)
GG ALAN BINDIG
With all the mumbo jumbo bullshit out've the way, it was time for the first musical act of the night, in the form of some sarcastic hat wearing solo performing bastard by the name of GG Alan Bindig. He sounds somewhat reminiscent of the suicide country blues of Johnny Cash mixed with all the creepier 80's shit that you remembered hearing off the Donnie Darko soundtrack (ie: reference anything post gothic and maudlin from Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, The Cult, The Church and Echo & Bunnymen) all thrown together into the most dryly sarcastic, monotone, slackarse and universally offensive performance you could possibly ever imagine outside of a warm up act to a public hanging. Still, although I couldn't figure for the life of me whether this was meant to be a standup comedy routine or the most innapropriate act to ever grace the stage at a wedding (I could've sworn he used the lyrics "Jesus gets fucked up the arse" and "rape the Virgin Mary") but as far as songer-songwriters go it wasn't all that bad. I could almost imagine myself beating him to death with his guitar and grinning along to this.. aaaah :)
THE MOLTING VULTURES
For the 2nd and final musical act this evening, we have pissy 'ol pub rock band by the name of The Molting Vultures. They sound just like the spastic extremes of Melbourne band Rocket Science mixed with the garage punk edges of early 60's Beatles, the hammering organ dirge of The Doors all filtered down through the nastiest surf guitar distortion pedal one could steal out the back of a truck. In a way they remind me of a really cheap boombox stereo being cranked up beyond bleeding point at the sort've teenage drinking party where everyone passes out from alcohol poisoning at 9PM and a particularly nasty cover band playing soundtrack to a bar fight. Still, despite how obnoxiously loud and stupid they play and how much their blaring mix makes my eyes bleed, they're also one incredibly infectious party crazed performance..
So infectious they are in fact, that it doesn't take long till the groom leaps up on stage himself to join in on the fun, as he belts out one of his own self-penned oldskool classics by the name of "I'm On The Dole". Not only does this provide me with the most badass live photo from the night..
but I also scammed me some all too disturbing video footage of it too.. woooooo!
the band kicks on for another few songs as the groom (and some freak looking all too much like a spaced out drug casualty from the late 80's Manchester scene) go spastic on the theramins, whilst I try my very best to hold the camera still from laughing myself silly at it all..
till finally after an hour or so, the set ends after their bass player runs out've batteries..
the bride and groom carry on regardless with a blitheringly drunken duet of their own..
till they eventually make their grand exit to much hooting applause from all present and still accounted for (promptly waking up the Buddhist monk who we all thought was dead snoozing in the corner), Zac the bartender runs screaming for safety amongst the erupting pandemonium, till at last satiated by our rampaging appetites for self destruction, everyone flees into the night to continue the lunacy well into the idiotic hours of Monday morning and beyond..
and that there is one FUCK of a alcohol fueled rock n roll wedding! OOOOOHYEAAAH!