THE 4TH ANNUAL SPOZ'S RANT AWARDS / PART II
ADELAIDE MUSIC SCENE / January - December 2011 /
Hi and welcome back to
The 4th Annual Spoz's Rant Awards
...aka: quite possibly the most woefully misuninformed, willfully biased, hilariously inept "celebration" you'll ever read of
all the "very best" the Adelaide music scene had to offer us in 2011
, and don't we just love it? HAHAHA YOU BETCHA!! As much as...yeaaah it's pretty much the ONLY one we've got, so what are you gonna do about it? start up your OWN blog and come up with your OWN silly best-of if you totally disagree with mine!? AAAHAhAhAhAhahA *ahem* no wait...that's actually a really good idea! you should totally do that! No seriously, please? someone...ANYONE, help me out here!? I'M STUCK ALL ALONE WITH THESE LUNATICS DAY AND NIGHT (
save for that "Play/Pause/Play" guy
and ummm?) THEY NEVER GIVE ME A MOMENT'S REST AND I'M SO SICK OF BEING THE "BIG SPOON" FOR THEM (
or is it the little spoon?
or nooo wait...am I the fluffer!?) GUH!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! FERFUCKSAKE!! FLOODING ME WITH YOUR UPTEEN BILLION EVENT INVITES YOU ATTENTION SEEKING WHOr...*ahem*
yeaaah let's just forget I ever said that.
Where was I again...? dismissing/ignoring the ongoing a-grade contribution of about a dozen other infinitely
websites, radio and street press to further this loony self-serving ego trip of mine!? HAHAHA oh yeaaah,
The 4th Annual Spoz's Rant Awards!
This is Part II; there's also a
, and a
to come. And being as we are smack in the "middle" here? this second installment is obviously devoted to the most
"shit hot", vital, nay a-grade integral
of awards because pfft...why else would they be here? THIS SHIT BE IMPORTANT YO!! And in no way padding out proceeds here
with a mad procession of novelty "group awards"
that arguably have no bearing on anything (except for those last three...oooh they're "bearing" as fuck!) save for making everything that much more needlessly "epic" in grandeur because hey, awards gotta be grandiose! In quite the same way that everything I write for these blogs is always
100% about the hard-hitting content,
and not about me simply rambling an aesthetically pleasing "chunk of text" on top of a photo because I like "the look of it"
And so with that in mind? yup, here's goes nothing! *ahem* I mean a whole lot of something HAHAHA I mean? yeah fuck it let's just get it over with.
THE INSANITY WOLF AWARD: GOD GOD DAMMIT DAMMIT
Which brings us to our first category...and in effort to explain it (in a way that swallows up all but the remaining three to four sentences of this ridiculous excuse for a "paragraph" in awarding it?) one needs to be familiar with one laughable aspect of the Adelaide scene...namely
its ongoing infamy for "audience ambivalence"
. I mean you know how it is: nobody REALLY gives a shit about the bands here, because it's always some friend of a friend you've long forgotten
you'd met at some shitdive past 3AM on a Saturday let alone adding on facebook
..."no wait, who the fuck are YOU with a Pokemon profile, a spastic pseudonym and all your other photos set to private!?" spam-bombing you invites to a gig, because
they're the occassional bass player, bongo fiend and/or glock rocking "ancillary"
to some fartarse band you couldn't give half a flying fuck about supporting some other fartarse touring band you'd never even heard of. An invite you'd normally immediately dismiss with a "maybe" with no intention of following up on...if it weren't for the fact they also happen to be friends of a friend with someone you've always wanted to add as a "friend with benefits" so you begrudgingly turn up anyways only to discover THEY didn't show...in fact they moved to Melbourne three months ago, and now you're unwittingly witness to a live gig you had no intention of attending *FUCK*. Better yet?
you're all but one of three people attending including the mixer:
because everyone else has fucked off to the beergarden to bum cigarettes off someone, even though they don't smoke, and they're just gonna blow 3-4 hours silently judging everyone else's fashion sense in the corner comparing iphone apps...
SHIT YEAH ED CASTLE ON A SATURDAY!!
So what are you gonna do, stay and watch the gig? suuure...as long as you can stand far enough away from the stage
so the band playing couldn't possibly see you yawning with your arms crossed,
blank to bored shitless expression, lightly head bobbing to the beat, sipping a beer, loudly applauding at the end of each song to cover up for the awkward silences (ie: their repeated requests for more foldback) only to leave half way through the show
to line up outside some indie dance club for an hour or more:
where all your friends are, only to skip the dancefloor altogether, sit in the corner, realise your friends have gone already (over an hour ago) only to fuck about with your facebook feed, commenting dumb shit on other people's statuses you barely even remember meeting, SOUND FAMILIAR!?
HAHAHA OF COURSE IT DOES!!
For this is what it is to be an average "audience member" at an Adelaide gig (
as much as it's arguably only an audience by defacto
) it's perfectly normal, perfectly acceptable, expected, aaand it's also an absolute crock of shit. Which is why I love to celebrate those chance few "circus acts"
who simply refuse to accept this "status quo",
refuse to let audiences stand idly by and instead unleash all out war on them. FUCK YES!! Whether that "war" be waged by confusing to damn near overwhelming
all five of our senses with a "Richter 9" skull raping
. Or by being
well beyond "extraterrestrially theatric"
. Or by blurring that fine line between audience and artist to the point we don't know where one ends and another one begins or
why we're playing tambourine on stage all a sudden?
to downright putting us in the emergency ward black and blue
missing half our limbs to vital organs laughing our arses off!?
THIS is what it takes to be a proud recipient of "The Insanity Wolf Award". And as much as all our nominees went
above and beyond the call of duty
in making that humble act of being an "audience member" a danger to both our mental and physical wellbeing? the grand prize in 2011 could go to none other than
God God Dammit Dammit
...OOOOH SHIT!! Not just for being an indeterminate number of band members climbing into the double digits spilling off a stage barely able to contain them all to the point it's more than likely you'll have
a trombone or saxophone player inches from your face blowing your brains out
or a lead singer mad screaming halfway down your throat. Or for the a-grade head exploding kamikaze hysteria all THIS inspires in a crowd not knowing which way to flee or fight, or both, whilst peeing themselves, arms and legs flailing (in other words?
attempt one of their Crown & Anchor shows AT YOUR OWN PERIL!!
). But more for the fact that despite all this and an overwhelming urge to wanna nude it up, smear yourself in peanut butter and join everyone around you?
you can still totally dance to it
. And THAT'S a batshit insanity we can all take part in!
NOMINATED: BIRD WIZDOM / THE BOTTLEROCKETS / FAKE TAN HONOURABLE MENTION: ONNIE ART (for unleashing this on us back in April) THE NEWBORN GIRAFFE AWARD: GEMINI DOWNS
But of course for every Adelaide band posing a clear and present threat to the public as both a threat our mental and physical wellbeing...
and possibly also to public sanitation?
there's an equal number that pose a clear and present threat to THEMSELVES (and possibly also to public sanitation...
or at the very least an inexpensive dry cleaning bill now that we think about it
). And it is to THESE brave souls (or in some cases the very opposite of that: shit scared, white as a sheet and
freaking the fuck out in the corner
) to which this award is proudly bestowed. So named after the goofy yet equally awkward mental image one forms
of a "newborn giraffe" attempting to walk for the first time:
all spastically gangly and geeky, hilariously uncoordinated, yet bursting with boundless glee...and in no way
named after the infamous Ben Revi:
Cheer Advisory Council
and countless other
scholastic, sophisticate, singer-songwriter side-projects
(to which such a glowing inference was occassionally made...read:
all too frequently!
) yeaaah okay that's obviously a lie. As much as I can assure you now that he's TOTALLY grown out of that shit; I mean we're talking years ago (or perhaps just last Tuesday) to become
the proud adult giraffe we now know;
or possibly a giraffe crossed with a lion crossed with an eagle...yeaaah you know? look it up in a D&D Manual or something: he's totally like 400ft tall, fuckoff majestic and parties with wizards and shit, WHAT A LEGEND!! And as for why he's
STILL in that photo for Mountbatten
...even though he was only the drummer
for like that ONE gig, their EP launch
Alister from 20th Century Graduates took over?
yeaaaah...I know! I couldn't help it, AND HAHAHA
HE'S PLAYING THE DRUMS!?
squeeee *ahem* I know I know I'm being an arse but
HOW AWESOME IS THAT PHOTO!?
Anyhoo, the point is...as much as it might appear very much to the contrary here? this award IS a celebration. And yes you should very much consider it an honour to be nominated! For to be The Newborn Giraffe,
is NOT to be the proverbial laughing stock for the Adelaide scene
...nooo I assure you we're laughing WITH YOU (because let's face it, we've all been there before: knock-kneed on a live stage without half a fucking clue how we got there). No think it more as you being a golden inspiration and a nostalgic reminder, why? because you STILL possess a quality long since beaten out of us
after years and years of gigging in the arse-end of nowhere
...ENTHUSIASM. And it's this "enthusiasm", coupled with your ridiculous ambitions and giggling wide-eyed wonder and how it ever so "slightly" exceeds your aptitude (
and occassionally also your hand-eye coordination, centre of gravity, bowel functions
or ability to perform it live on stage without exploding, fainting or hiding under furniture in foetal position) that I love to encourage...
as much as it may seem dangerous
to do so? *sniff* DAMNIT YOU'RE A SHINING BEACON FOR US ALL!! And not just as an awesome never ending source of comedy...and no Ben Revi, this award notwithstanding I long since moved onto
mocking Dougie from Quiet Into The Lab! instead
...then moved onto
making fun of Walter Marsh from Mountbatten and Cesare,
except Sia Duff kept giving me them death stares...and she kinda frightens me (aaah you gotta love an in-joke that almost half my audience won't get huh?) and so *ahem*
CONGRATULATIONS TO GEMINI DOWNS!!
Now obviously I have boundless reasons for why they're worthy of a "Newborn Giraffe" for 2011. But since I've already written enough bullshit in this purple-prose "paragraph" as it is, attempting to explain everything (duuude I gotta think up less convoluted awards...fuuuck!) I'll give you ONE:
Yup, Gemini Downs are a folk band with tapdancing.
And no I've never quite figured out WHY they have it, I don't even know if the band can explain it themselves!? and yet sure enough, in the middle of their gigs, to the point it's become a "thing"? there's lead singer Jessica Braithwaite tapdancing a storm;
she even brings a special tapdancing box for it
...HOW FUCKING MENTAL IS THAT!! Oh yes Gemini Downs! for redefining the art of spastically dorky and loving it in 2011? and on top of being a
giddy, glorious, jigsaw puzzle of musical influences thrown into a blender!?
you earn this award with flying colours!
NOMINATED: GLISK / GHYTI & THE PHILANTHROPIC ORCHESTRA / MOUNTBATTEN FASHION TRAGICS OF THE YEAR: COLLARBONES
Now I realise that this next awards category (
or at least the criteria by which an Adelaide band or performing artist might qualify for it
) might confuse some people...and by some I mean lots. Not least of which
Anthony Candlish from Ride Into The Sun
who was wondering why the hell HIS band was nominated for this award this year: considering almost everytime they'd ever play The Ed Castle in 2011
he'd always bitch on stage
about fashion bands, indie bands, hipster bands and how shit they are and "thank fuck we're not playing with them tonight!"...or in other words?
yup I was totally being ironic
AAAAHaHAhAhaHA *ahem* (please don't kill me!) but to be perfectly honest? it's actually it's starting to confuse the hell out of ME too...and it didn't used to be THIS difficult,
pfft...back in 2008-2010 it used to be piss easy!
Back in the day, this award used to only apply to the MOST tragic and retardingly fashion conscious of musicians. Yeaaah you know the type: spastically metrosexual in dress sense, excess of hair product, fake tan (
or disturbingly all too real and leathery tan
) how likely they'd be to draw a preppy "private school" crowd, abuse the micro korg, be REALLY enthusiastic but ultimately SHIT at playing the guitar,
only to pack out The Ed Castle band room to the ceiling on a Saturday night
(despite their obvious deficit of talent) to a shitstorm of ditzy bottle blondes shrieking and dancing around their handbags
thinking they're the next "Art Vs Science"?
FUUUCK!! So it's totally about hipsters now, riiight? well...not really. For one can you ever actually define what a "hipster" IS!? And no, no,
don't go telling me it's bands playing at Format.
I mean suuure there's a lot of bands prone to playing there confusing dropping out of art school, flannel, crippling aphasia, a macbook pro and a busted delay pedal for "genius". But there's also an equal number that are genuinely brilliant and shit-hot innovative at what they do but just really crap at letting ANYONE outside of three friends know about it. No the way I see it ever since indie disco died out (
or more accurately ever since I stopped paying attention to it
) and since "hipster" has always been about as easy to define as "how long is a piece of string" and it hasn't gotten any easier (apparently it's all about choirs, lo-fi R&B
and a wailing chorus of Italian grandmothers now!?
) being a "fashion tragic" now could be reinterpretted as just about anything. Which is why I nominated The Amcats in 2011 simply because I genuinely dig
just how ridiculously yet understatingly stylish they are,
I mean they're a "fashion" buzz band without even trying (save for a few too many covert trips to New York to record 7" vinyls...). Why I nominated Glisk: for being ragingly "hipster" almost by happy accident of their crippling inability to put on a live show (
but you should hear them on record!
). Why I nominated Ride Into The Sun: the absolute (to the point of being OCD) antithesis to "fashion" because pfft...I thought it'd be fucking hilarious! (it was meant to be ironic Ant, IRONIC!!). And why I'd be clearly clutching at straws with this shit
if it weren't for the likes of Collarbones
...AND THANK FUCK FOR THAT!! Yup they're not just the dictionary definition of "fashion tragics" pushed to the nth degree,
they're beaming with pride over the fact.
Duuude they're so hilariously self enamoured with that shit? they're practically a Möbius strip! And I don't just mean
Travis Cook's unique take on "post-modern satorial dyslexia":
where if it isn't a dizzying combo of Rihanna/Nirvana mashup t-shirt, black bowl cut and "John Lennon" hologram smiley-face sunglasses stabbing you in both retinas,
like he's one "hoverboard" short of a bona-fide "Back To The Future"?
it's his oversized
and a wacky fixation on
bad 90's webdesign acting as shitcrazy "album art".
Or that "hipster collage" he cooks up with his rubberband cohort Marcus Whale: equal parts arty glitch techno and R&B cheesy that goes well beyond ironic and into the realm of fan worshippingly fanatical (Exhibit A: their penchant for slipping in a giddy reference to
J-Lo's "Jenny From The Block"
almost everytime they play the song "Beaman Park", Exhibit B: their covers/remixes of Justin Bieber and Destiny's Child
as found on their Tiger Beats LP
). But more for how they combine all the above batcrap insanity,
and their oddball youtube and twitter presence
to create what could only be called the musical embodiment of a 4chan internet meme gone scarily "real world" apocalyptic. Yup, they weren't just THE "fashion tragics" for 2011,
they were reigning champions at it
. And as much as I dare not encourage for them that...Collarbones? I salute you!
NOMINATED: THE AMCATS / GLISK / RIDE INTO THE SUN HONOURABLE MENTIONS: ES IST SUPER / LYLA / JIMMY & THE MIRRORS THE MONA LISA OVERDRIVE AWARD: RIDE INTO THE SUN
Now for this next award I'll be mercifully "brief". And not just
for the sake of ME laughing myself delerious in a corner
everytime I consider concocting this batshit insanity in the form of a "written blog"...HAHAHA DUUUDE DON'T GET ME STARTED!! because yes I am fully aware that I long ago adopted a website title and a style of "writing" that for all its ever increasing freakish popularity (ie:
clearly waaay more than it deserves
...why oh why did I ever have to call it a fucking "rant"!? YOU EEEIIIDIOT!!) has clearly come back to haunt me tenfold in the vain attempt to maintain it...and by "tenfold"
I obviously mean a multiplier considerably HIGHER than that
and just shy of a literal phonebook becoming self aware, teaming up with Urban Dictionary,
beating my brains aerosol fine into a browser window
and then hitting "publish" for your amusement (in fact if you go slightly crosseyed viewing one of these paragraphs from afar? it's totally a 3D "magic-eye" puzzle of me giving ANY notion of abiding by a civilised "wordcount" the finger). But also for the sake of...and yes this is all still meant to be considered
the ONE train of thought here
...not making even more of a mockery of what this award represents (and by extension the recipient deemed most worthy in 2011) by a heavy handed "wordcount" analogy *PHEW*. Yup in short
there was this band called "Mona Lisa Overdrive"
, back in 2008. Maybe you've heard of them...maybe you're still receiving counselling for it (
I know I occassionally wake up screaming at the thought of them
). And this illustrious award is named in their honour, thanks to the golden reputation forged in the all too (mercifully?) brief
12-18 odd month span that they were active:
by playing a "marathon" number of live shows slightly less than that of the Grateful Dead (
in all the thirty years they toured the US
) and slightly more than that of The Rolling Stones. Or in other words it's a "bachelor of attendance" well beyond the point of ridiculous, awarded to a band who not necessarily played the MOST shows in a given year (outside of say...a cover band on a week night at The Casino? yiiikes!) but played so many of them, in live venues I'm known to frequent...that it's all but impossible
for me to avoid them and by extention feature them in this blog
(and we're talking well beyond the point that it could be considered a hostage situation verging on a Stockholm Syndrome) that THIS is the best way I could think of to congratulate/mock them for it...
as much as I might otherwise enjoy the hell out of their company
. And as for why
Ride Into The Sun gets this award,
and by a landslide? ie: if you'd been trapped under a literal landslide for a good part of 2011 to even ask me that question (no really!?) allow me to demonstrate in following with a sequence of photos of their guitarist Todd "Chewbacca" Lawrie (why Todd? HAHAHA
because he's a gift that keeps on giving...THAT'S WHY!!
), representing every single live show of theirs that I covered, whether intentional or not, in 2011...
Or at least that's all the shows I PHOTOGRAPHED; there's also
this one show
I shot video for...
And then there's that one time
I hung out at Hillside Studios,
while they recorded their second EP...
And then there's all the wacky promo I ran for shows I "accidently" COULDN'T attend...including two EP launches? OOOPS!! (the second of which I might add
they even threw on a Saturday
...the night after playing
five Fridays in a row for a monthly residency at The Grace Emily!?
And then there's that one time I shot video of Todd pushing this supermarket trolley down Gray Street and he almost got hit by a car and...HAHAHA *ahem* yeaaah this isn't really relevant to the topic at hand, but no really how awesome is Todd?
don't you just wanna adopt him or something!?
And...awww crap, there goes that
again. Ride Into The Sun, WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE?
NOMINATED: CHEER ADVISORY COUNCIL / DANVERS & GHOST KNIFE / SINCERELY, GRIZZLY INTERSTATE TOURING ARTISTS OF THE YEAR: BALL PARK MUSIC
Now as much as this blog IS oestensibly about the "Adelaide scene", and Adelaide bands known to frequent it (
and sometimes all too frequently:
see above); and by that? I obviously mean it's got absolutely nothing to do with that AT ALL...short of perhaps me drinking myself retarded (
yeaaah okay, MORE retarded
) in the vague vicinity of what one might confuse as "journalistic insight" on the subject (
if say one were suffering a mild head injury of some sort
). It's also (in the way that it isn't), about bands touring the Adelaide scene. And by "touring" I obviously mean shows I can totally scam free entry to
by badgering one of the local supports for doorlisting
(yeaaah have I implied enough just how insane it is that I've gotten away with this shit for so long?
) anyhoo my point is...as much as I'm fumbling to reach one...is that thanks to all this wheeling, dealing (and sometimes downright blackmailing) of local acts I've accidently and incidentally gotten drunk with over the years to the point they actually wanna "return the favour" (
for all the hard work I swear I hadn't done in promoting them?
weird how that works!) I get to see a LOT of awesome touring acts. A LOT OF TOURING ACTS. Nothing terribly important in an "international" sense mind you!
just a lot of goofy little interstaters
that Triple J love to beat off about, and we all know just how much I FUCKING LOVE TRIPLE J!! (
Richard Kingsmill eats babies!
), and...oh wait isn't this writeup meant to be devoted to me talking up our award winners for being all a-grade awesome and shit? HAHAHA oh yeaaah *ooops* Interstate Touring Artists Of The Year! AND WOWEEE DOESN'T THE TERM "INTERSTATE" MAKE IT SOUND ALL FUCK OFF IMPORTANT TOO!! (huh...what? so my crappy budget can't afford
all the big name acts playing Thebby, HQ and The Entertainment Centre?
pfft...blow me!). But no, in every year there is always that ONE unforgettable interstate touring act (and perhaps three more you can nominate, so it doesn't look totally rigged)
that goes above and beyond
the call of duty. That one band that refuses to sound like yet another cookie-cutter of "Vampire Wombats", or Triple J's "Aussie hiphop flavour of the week" (played so many times IN that week
it almost qualifies as a Geneva violation
), or one of those MGMT/Passion Pit/Ou Est Les Swimming Pool/Naked & Famous blah-blah indie disco clone interchangeables,
or a former Australian Idol contestant
or "hey it's that cute girl being all ridiculously cute with a backing band that doesn't actually PLAY anything because they run it all off an ipod...OWL EYES!" (but she IS cute though) and did I mention all the Aussie hiphop!? FUUUCK OFF!! Yup this is that one band that gets it "oldskool"...
by winning that crowd over, one gig at a time.
That one band that knows ALL you need to succeed is to throw the equivalent
of a spastic kids party wherever you go
...only far less mature (
and with slightly more chances of indecent exposure
), yell the word "FUCK" in that one single a lot,
hide all the other heartfelt songs on the album
so you won't be forgotten in six months...let alone in six minutes, and not be a total wanker to the fans afterwards (as much as one of your songs
may oestensible be ABOUT wanking
). And that band, nay that interstate touring artists par excellence for 2011...? could be none other than Ball Park Music. And although I have a great many reasons to cite
for why they MORE than overqualified themselves,
and how! (as much as you needn't hear them from me
if ever you'd seen them first hand
) for sake of argument here? I need only cite ONE. Out of all the bands I covered this year, all 240 odd: both local and touring, they were the only ones deemed worthy
of their very own animated GIF.
THE FIRST AND ONLY, IN OVER THREE YEARS!? WOAAAH FUUUCK!! Yup...stop and think about THAT for a moment;
or better yet go look at it again,
then take a cold shower...THAT is what Ball Park Music provided for us in spades, shovels, buckets, then
buried us up to our necks with it giggling like imbeciles
And yes I'm so sorry you had to see this again (pfft...no I'm not! IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS!!).
NOMINATED: GHOUL / THE GRATES / TUMBLEWEED HONOURABLE MENTIONS: THE BON SCOTTS / THE KILL DEVIL HILLS / KINS EVENT/LAUNCH PARTY OF THE YEAR: THE KILLGIRLS "ANIMAL" LAUNCH
Now as I'd already established above...in something you likely didn't bother to read, so yeaaah there was probably no point in me mentioning that I did (ie:
if my site stats are anything to go by
...a good deal of you apparently googled my site under the mistaken belief that you'd find conclusive proof Wee Man died from eating a kilogram bag of salt, Malaysian porn, or foot fetish photos of Dakota Fanning) Adelaide audiences are a notoriously fickle bunch;
duuude we're the worst of fair-weather friends!
Or maybe I'm just too quick to judge? because there MUST be all matter of legitimate reasons we have for not showing upto shit, riiight!? I mean there's the tyranny of distance
in our 100km Nth/Sth suburban sprawl to deal with:
because all our live venues are in the CBD, all our cheap housing's out in the boons...and the woeful lack of decent public transport to cater to both (especially after midnight
when all the buses suddenly stop and it becomes a $50 taxi
). Or the fact that fuck-all of our bands get regular exposure on Triple J, so nobody knows shit about any of the shit playing here (because let's face it we don't have nearly enough label clout to push our product). Or the fact that mostly anyone interested in local music is already in a band (
and they moved to Melbourne
) or they're a 24/7 dope fiend with a broadband connection and bittorrents, within walking distance of a servo...that's if they could be arsed prying themselves away from the plasma, the guitar pedals, relinquishing the Wiimote and getting off the couch to get to it "aaaah fuck it...Domino's still delivers at 2AM right!?". And when you weigh up the cost between say...
$10 door entry to just about anywhere:
where beers are $6-8 a pint and spirits are worse (because I'm told Adelaide's the most expensive city in Australia to drink on a night out) and a bag of goon? I mean DOES IT TAKE A GENIUS TO FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT!? and the answer is obviously no, no it doesn't...
and Dakota Fanning's feet? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT!?
(and oh look my site hits just bumped up a notch...WIN!!). But hey it's not all bad news, because if there's one thing Adelaide audiences CAN be counted on?
it's attending the riotous FUCK out of all your milestone gigs:
all your proverbial "births, deaths and marriages", or in other words? all your launch parties, debuts and farewells. And yes a smart band would do well to exploit this to their advantage. Whether by simply making EVERY show a "momentous occassion" (for instance: back in 2010,
offered everything from jugs of free piss to promising they'd smash up a drum kit if enough people turned up).
Or by just making that ONE occassion so skull-fuckingly off the charts,
even a 24 hour Domino's and the promise of Dakota's pinky couldn't possibly compete with it (
weirdos, she's 17 fercrissake!
). And it's to that latter that this award now commemorates: the most epic, unique, insane, inventive AND inspiring of events/launch parties in 2011...the ones we couldn't stop talking about. And as much as I'd be utterly remiss in NOT giving due credit to ALL our nominees for being all kinds of head explodingly brilliant? from the awesomely insane visual arts mashup upstairs/wall to wall packed live gig downstairs of
Format's "Monster Monster II",
to Sia Duff's ever eclectic ode to artistic inspiration and freeform collaboration that is
"No One Wants To Play With Us"
(like a B12 shot to your psyche I swear!) to
Steering By Stars
making the inspired choice to launch their new single
in the SA Art Gallery Auditorium
...only to have the added bonus of playing amongst Auguste Rodin sculptures worth over $6 million a piece that gallery staff foolishly forgot to remove on the night (
well their contorted frames definitely DID add to the intensity!
)? I mean hell, I bow to all you mad bastards! you've truly outdone yourselves! but was there ever ANY doubt over who was gonna win this thing!? HAHAHA nope! Not when
unleashed unholy hell and a 40ft inflatable astronaut to boot
with their "Animal" EP launch in October.
OOOOH SHIT!! (
and I think I need to do one now remembering it
). But in case you STILL have your doubts over them deserving this trophy?
read up and weep here
...or simply scroll through the mind boggling carnage in highlight, below. Yup if THIS were a pissing contest? (
oh and believe me it IS
) then The Killgirls here just shot up a "Niagara's worth" at the moon and it hasn't stopped raining gold for them ever since. And if you think that's fucked up...imagine if THEY EVER LAUNCHED AN ALBUM!?
NOMINATED: FORMAT - "MONSTER MONSTER II" NOMINATED: SIA DUFF - "NO ONE WANTS TO PLAY WITH US" NOMINATED: STEERING BY STARS - "COLLISION/INK" LAUNCH HONOURABLE MENTION: THE HONEY PIES - "CARPE CARPE" LAUNCH MUSIC VIDEO OF THE YEAR: THE HONEY PIES (ALL 3 OF THEM)
Now as much as this IS a shiny new awards category for 2011 (like five kinds of head-explodingly WOWEEE and shit!), Adelaide bands
having actual bona-fide music videos to lose our shit over?
isn't exactly a new earth-shattering concept...not by a long shot. I mean as much as I'm aware...and that'd be rather dimly at best,
we've pretty much been inundated with this crap
since the invention of the "music video" itself. Or at least since the invention of the "4AM graveyard shift" on Rage,
to which they'd invariably be dumped once on a Friday night
(ie: smack dab between a death metal band from Freemantle and that country singer from rural New South Wales serenading a tractor)
only never to be shown again
...yeaaah it's pretty much been our specialty since the "market" fell out in the early 00's (ie: it took a precipitous nose dive
moments after Testeagles got dumped by their record label in 2001
...and by the time Sarah McLeod ditched her band
and went all spastically "techno" in 2006?
the damage was all but done). The difference now...is that after years of languishing in the doldrums
with only the occassional "Wolf & Cub" to sustain us?
it appears we've finally passed a crucial tipping point: a sharp upsurge in both quality and quantity from 2010 into 2011 (
I mean we're talking some serious shit-kicking production values here
) and now all a sudden we're upto our proverbial armpits and eyeballs in it!? OH IT GETS BETTER...we've even been scoring primetime midnight to 1AM slots in screening them on Rage now (as much as they might only screen once still?)
duuude we may verily be poised at the pert pink nipple of a new golden age!
and is that reason enough to celebrate here with a shiny new awards category!? HELL THE FUCK YEAH BAAABY!! Oh and as for why this is happened all of a sudden? well obviously it's not due to the Adelaide scene finally getting all the mad record label support it deserves and thus
the pseudo-extravagant "Michael Jackson" budgets
to achieve all this exploding whizzbangery. HAHAHA pfft...WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? No it's more that it's become increasingly cost-effective
for the average goon swilling degenerate living in Croydon,
to cough up a quality production to rival the "top end of town", using little more than a busted digicam swiped from crime-converters and a pirated copy of Adobe Premiere;
as much as I assure you that NONE of our nominees here did ANY of the sort
...HAHAHA NOOOO!! As much as it's more than likely that our winners did; in fact I'm almost dead certain
The Honey Pies used LESS
. And before you accuse me of skewing these results? or that I've somehow fallen victim
to some kinda obscure-arse strain of "flesh eating brain fungus"
in awarding this shit not one but ALL THREE music videos that they released this year? I'll have you know that I abided by only the most stringent of judging criteria: judging the quality, the character, the strength of the narrative, the emotion conveyed therein, how well it matched nay accentuated the song itself to which it accompanied and...yeaaah fuck it, just watch the damn things and you tell me! Or better yet
skip the "censored" version of the first
and hit up the
TOTALLY FUCKED UP "uncensored" version instead
(ie: follow the prompts and don't say we didn't warn you!) and THEN you tell me. Then marvel gobsmacked, bug-eyed and dribbling over the fact that all three of the music videos here were "handcrafted" by the band themselves; or at least their animation for
"Hair Of The Dog"
sure as shit was:
they drew that one by hand;
the rest of it,
especially for "Girl"
was gleefully stolen from around the internet (
including a good deal of the footage for "Don't Mention The War"
originally coming from another Adelaide band
who's name I dare not mention,
and THEIR music video...which was then chopped up with Gary Busey's shitcrazy mug plastered all over it). I mean fuck duuude...if that ain't the dictionary definition of "genius"
grafittied beyond recognition and resold as something even MORE genius!?
I DUNNO WHAT IS. Yup for elevating the humble art of the music video to a whole new high, while simultaneously dragging it to a whole new low
and then doodling dicks all over it?
The Honey Pies should be applauded!
NOMINATED: HAWKS OF ALBA "CUT YOU OUT" NOMINATED: LADY STRANGELOVE "SWEET EXCHANGE" NOMINATED: VAN CLEEF "DARLEK GULCH" HONOURABLE MENTION: THE ENTIRE ADELAIDE SCENE (for going apeshit with it in 2011...) VIDEO
*PHEW* and is that nearly enough BS for Part II? yeaaah fuck it.
Stay tuned for Part III!
Previously on Spoz's Rant:
The 4th Annual Spoz's Rant Awards / Part I