The Adelaide music scene: to many of you it might be little more than a touring speed bump between Melbourne and Perth but to us it's a way of life. Feast within, on all its dysfunctioning splendour, as we bring you the highly satirical, laughingly fictional and intellectually imbecile tales from our rock & roll wasteland...
CUT OFF YOUR HANDS + TEENAGERSINTOKYO MODULAR PARTY @ ROCKET BAR / Friday September 7th 2007
Aaaaaaah just another quiet night at Rocket Bar with nothing better to do but fluff my own navel and endlessly consume my feeble mortal mind over the many mysteries of life, death, the universe and the grand insignificance of the human condition.. *cough*.. just kidding, you know I'd never bore you with that, OH NOO! Not when there's plenty of these retarding beer fueled chimps on the loose tonight: holy panfried monkey testicles we're all gonna die.. weeeeeee! :)
The source of this ever shortening of my lifespan (anyone wanna bet if I'll make it to my 40's at this rate?) is not due to yet ANOTHER Timmy Fart Show gig. It's not thanks to Shihad, Cog, Wolfmother, Deftones, Nine Inch Nails or even Queens Of The Stone Age. Surprisingly, it's not even some fart-arse metal gig displaced here from the Lizard Lounge. Nope, it's none other but a pissy 'ol bunch of scenster tragics celebrating the new monthly Modular party.. freaaaky!
THE FEMME FATALES
To warm up this most unexpected apocalypse, we're first presented with an opening set by the Femme Fatales. Although it's their first ever "official" show tonight, most of you may already be well familiar with their work if you'd ever seen THIS guy perform live around town..
(Ooops, how did THAT photo get in there? bwaahahahaha!) Yeah I know I REALLY should go easy on the new band for once and bypass all my usual "initiation" antics (fresh fish! fresh fish!) but lets face it would it be fair on all the OTHER first timers that I've destroyed in the past if I did? HELL NO! So here goes nothing: Femme Fatales are without a doubt one of the most enthusiastically CRAP bands I've ever seen live since the ear splitting brain injury that was Circus Arcade back in July 2006. A band that I shall henceforth refer to as "ShitDisco" till they play otherwise (if only that name wasn't already taken). Still before they can sharpen knives to slit my throat let me clarify: they are actually surprisingly talented and enjoyable at BEING an utterly crap band; so much so you begin to wonder if this was their diabolical intent in the first place. They achieve this lofty height by aping other such brilliantly crap (new-rave) acts as Datarock, LCD Soundsystem and the Klaxons, mashing every single fuglyarse factory preset on their Micro-Korg's to death, singing atonally and trashing all of their equipment to within an inch of their silicon lives. For what they CLEARLY lack in talent this four piece band more than make up for in bucketloads of spastic enthusiasm.. fuck shit up yo! :)
"Waaaaaaiit four piece band!? duuude, I'm only counting 3 members here!".. well of course, no review of the Femme Fatales would ever be complete without including a few shots of this rent-a-crowd dickhead in the audience; just look at that lankyarse bastard go.. weeeeeeeeee! :)
Clearly this is going to be an impossible act to follow, but next in the firing line Teenagersintokyo (so scenster they neednotforpunctuatingspaces) are no shrinking violets for the ultraviolence either. As much as their annoyingly catchy video suggests, these Sydney-side midgets (and one uber dork on the drums) would like to think of themselves as being impossibly cool like THIS..
Whilst the reality of hearing them live is a LITTLE different. To begin with, what's most readily apparent is how the brilliantly the lead singer sounds like a malfunctioning car alarm. You'd think this is a bad thing but funnily enough when it comes to indie scenster acts of this tragically fashionable ilk, wailing offkey over every damn song is actually a GOOD thing! Take Interpol or the Yeah Yeah Yeahs for example: both brilliantly fashionable scenster acts that I love to death, both utterly shite lead singers (overdosed on suicide pills or howling torture victim? take your pick!). From this alone Teenagersintokyo are destined for great things, thankfully though they not only follow this ear bleed up with all the best bits of New Young Pony Club by way of She Wants Revenge, but they also possess one of the most horizontal floor fucking A-grade rhythm sections I've heard in any interstate touring band period. With a stabbing bass grind reminiscent of The Cure at their early 80's body popping best mixed with a tribal stabbing percussion that sounds like a hoard of pygmy headhunters on the prowl, this is a buzz you just can't beat!
However, unlike the Femme Fatales before them (who are blessed with the A-grade flailing dickhead quotient to really bring the party home) it's upto lead singer Samantha Lim to really kick Teenagersintokyo's set into overdrive with the time honoured (bordering on cliche) tradition of the Rocket Bar lap-of-honour through the utterly indifferent scenster crowd. Yup, apparently it IS true what they say: after you've seen Central Deli Band demolish an audience here, nothing short of setting yourself on FIRE is gonna get a reaction from this place..
CUT OFF YOUR HANDS
Which brings us rather neatly to the final headlining act for the night, Cut Of Your Hands. For a quick refresher course on WHY these monkeys are rapidly building a reputation for blowing shit up large, you could either (a) read my previous live review (back when they toured with Young And Restless in June this year), or (b) space out to this music video instead..
Clearly Cut Off Your Hands are rather neatly bridging the divide between jangling 50's pop-rock at it's most saccharine and indie dance punk at it's most spastic drillcore extremes. As for their live act, think James Dean's idiom: "live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse" and you'd be halfway there. Throw in The Hives, Franz Ferdinand, The Strokes and what sounds like a Happy Days band on a violent methamphetamine binge and you'd be well on your way to splattering all four walls of the emergency ward with what's left of your remains. I know it all sounds so innocent in their music video but when you're here amongst it all, one minute it's all shit's and giggles, then BAM! there's a stampede of 50 footprint's inches from your face..
If the sight of their lead singer Nick Johnston being crowdsurfed up into the ceiling isn't nearly insane enough for you (again we all know you've seen much worse from this website)..
then surely the sight of all the crowd surfers and that monkey enclosure thirsting for blood out front of stage is sure to drives those last few nails home into your coffin.. and to think people STILL wonder why I go through so many freaking cameras covering this shit? ;)
With the crowd effectively flatlined to a five block radius by that tsunami, it takes a indie electro DJ as near retarding as this one to bring the party poppers back to life on the dancefloor..
Cue the obligatory Spoz's Rant roll-call of drunks, punks, pinheads and serial club hoppers to mug up the camera lens in ways never specified (or recommended) in the user's manual..
how all they always manage to find me is anyone's guess? either way, something tells me my camera's 12 month warranty's flushed down the toilet when these loons are about.. yaauuughh!
and dammit, how did THIS freak get into the blog AGAIN for another week running!?
*cough* yup there we have it kiddies: yet more in a long list of reasons why Rocket Bar should be putting a large percentage of my beer money towards my future medical expenses. I've said this many times before and I'll continue to say it well beyond the point of no return: how I've not been killed doing this shit every damn week is anyone's guess?
(but really would any of us want to live our lives for any LESS? :) )