:: Monday, July 17, 2006

MIDNIGHT IN A PERFECT WORLD

aaaaah, there's nothing like soaking in the sublime beauty that is Adelaide in the wintertime.. the city that never wakes.. the city of emptying streets, chill winds, overcast skies and the shuffling cough of the elderly.. the city of sprawling ghetto suburbia, orphaned supermarket trolley's, blown up letterboxes, screaming infants, howling car alarms and rocks hurled thru driver side windows.. the city filled with sneering emos, ipod zombies, noose necked gestapo and the scattering bogan hoards endlessly arguing over faded coupons whilst chain smoking their miserable lives away in the blinking frontal lobotomy of the neighborhood pokies lounge.. the city of footy tippings, top40 ringtones, bible thumpers, serial killers and holden team jackets.. the city where couch potato's cocoon themselves in domestic narcolepsy for months at a time in scarfs, fuzzy collar jackets and beanies, scream at their home entertainment surround sound systems and vote for imbeciles by SMS..

this town.. aaaaah yaaaaa!
is coming like a ghost town..
all the clubs have been closed down..
this place.. aaaaaah yaaaaa!
is coming like a ghost town..
bands won't play no more..
too much fighting on the danceflooor!
AAAAHH YAAAA YAAAA YAYAAAA YAYAYAYAAA WEEEEEEEE WOOOOOOOOOOO!!

*cough* not fucken likely on MY watch! ;)

yup.. just when you thought everything shuts down and hibernates this time of year.. just when you thought things would slow down.. witness the full fury that is the Adelaide's live music scene in 2006, where even near freezing sub antarctic temperatures aren't enough to scare the bands away no more.. ooooh yes! be still my beating liver, this is gonna be one helluva ride.. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


THURSDAY NIGHT
a surprising number of options flooded my phone's SMS inbox tonight.. I could've gone with OPTION A: THE SUNDAY SLUTS (featuring STU the human refrigerator) and FLYING COLOURS (featuring JIMI JAMES the deranged human hyena) playing up a storm of dribbling alternative rock stonerisms at the front bar of THE GOVERNOR HINDMARSH.. or, I could've gone with OPTION B: catching the ever elusive live beast that is YOUR MOTIVE FOR making a rare appearance at the GRACE EMILY.. both equally worthy in their own right.. and yet, tonight my money was on the far superior OPTION C: CENTRAL DELI BAND, MORALS OF A MINOR, ARTAX MISSION and a curious little 70's style psychedelic band from SWEDEN by the name of DUNGEN playing at ROCKET BAR.. sheeiiit.. who in their right mind would turn THAT shit down!? show me that person.. I dare ya! SWEDEN mutha fucks! HA!! THAT SHIT WOULD BLOW YA NUTS OFF!!

and so, I eagerly race down to ROCKET BAR.. and wouldn't ya know it.. but the gig is SOLD OUT ALREADY!

*FUCK!! FUCK!! GGGNNNNNNNK!! AAAUUUAUARRRGGGHHHH!!!*



but, no.. wait.. why should this stop a gonzo journalist like myself? as luck would have it (and after a few well placed phonecalls made mere hours before the gig) I've already managed to secure myself a free ticket for the night.. score!

(COREY, duuuude.. you freaking rock! :) )

CENTRAL DELI BAND
and so I walk in just in time for CENTRAL DELI BAND to hit the stage..



as they provide the gathering indie crowd with a unique mix of toddler hissy fit..



brain destroying turntablist mashup / sampler honking stupidity..



shredding trigger happy garage rock..



and.. um.. wot'ever the fuck THIS is meant to be!?



creating something altogether like a horrific drug fueled freeway collision (and resulting roadrage fisticuffs) between GERLING, THE WIGGLES, GORILLAZ and THE AVALANCHES..



and just like a car crash, the more mangled and bizarre the wreckage thrown up on stage (and often OFF it) the harder it was NOT to be fascinated by the deranged circus of it all..



yup, to survive a CENTRAL DELI BAND set without being molested by a deranged lead singer on a howling beer fueled rampage, finding yourself thrown up on stage to perform in the band, or without all your internal organs being liquified to a grinning mush in the process is quite a rarefied achievement indeed.. dunno how the fuck I survived yet another one of these.. but DAMN did it rock :)

MORALS OF A MINOR
anyhoo, now that the 1st band is done for the night, and all the piling bodies have been hosed off the stage by the helpful bar staff.. it's now time for the next band, MORALS OF A MINOR.. a band that could best be described as the chugging 70's riff rock sound of WOLFMOTHER being violently raped in the arse by the CAT IN THE HAT from DR SEUSS..



yeah.. I dunno if it wuz the fact that all the guitar and bass amps were turned up so violently loud tonight that they could shatter concrete and set car alarms ringing in a 5 block radius (not to mention make my ears ring on and off for at least the next 12 hours.. yeeeeeouch!)



or that every song seemed to produce the same sea-sickening effect of stupendously loud offkey wailing feedback and shrieking overblown vocals that totally did me head in sideways..



or that they featured a lead singer with the most bizarre look of fuckoff afro, 70's disco shirt and these insane black and white striped long johns that threw his trigger happy wedding tackle so glaringly in our faces that the first few rows of the audience had to wear welding goggles so as not to be blinded by it all (OH CRUD!! IT'S LOOKING RIGHT AT US!!! FLEEEE!!)



but um, yeah.. considering I know these lunatics are likely reading this site right now (telling from all their attempts to add me on MYSPACE days before the gig hahahaha!) I'll chose my words carefully here.. and just say that this was an ACQUIRED taste best reserved for the mentally ill and criminally insane.. *cough*.. but hey, don't just take my word for it.. check 'em out for y'selves and make yer own opinion.. I DARE YA! ;)

ARTAX MISSION
*phew* with MORALS OF A MINOR finished and the screaming tinitus in my head slowly subsiding.. it's time for the next grinning audio terrorists, ARTAX MISSION



as they conjure up their trademark SONIC YOUTH inspired brew of howling artrock aesthetic, chugging fuzz rock and psychedelic mind melting ecclecticism..



in the hands of any lesser artists.. all these gnashing guitars, howling feedback, lunatic reverb / delay screaming and the slow churn drumming bouncing around our ears would just sound like a ridiculous mess of ear bleeding dissonant noise..



and yet, when you see the female bass player here go so freakingly beserk with yet another unholy witches brew of ethereal screaming and demon possession whilst the fuckoff afro guitarist punches yet another gaping hole into the spacetime continuum with his crazy riffing.. you can't help but admire these colourful freaks and the insane sounds they weave.. woooooo ROCK! :)



yup, they may've only been on stage for only 3 songs and 20 minutes.. but for all the strange mind melting shit you guys do to my brain each and every gig.. ARTAX MISSION, I salute you!

the air is now growing slippery with hooting anticipation as various artrock freaks start spilling into the venue fresh from DUNGEN's set at the THEBARTON THEATRE earlier this evening.. all waiting the band's arrival at ROCKET BAR..

for instance, here's the crazy afro-man guitarist from LADY STRANGELOVE demonstrating his psychic ability to convert ordinary tap water into vodka (apparently he's a real hit at kid's parties too!)



before too long the place is really starting to pack to sardine density now as time looms near for DUNGEN's arrival (gee.. that poster really wuzn't kidding when it said tonight was "SOLD OUT" eeeeeesh!)



conveniently enough tho'.. I soon manage to secure a position on top of the steps leading to the left side of the stage.. where I find a large instrument case leaning up on the steps, use it as my comfy seat.. thus placing me right within sneezing distance of the band.. choooiiiice ;)

DUNGEN
and on that note, DUNGEN soon fire up on stage in full hair flailing fury..



the best way to describe the sound of DUNGEN, is to imagine the collective psychedelic works of LED ZEPPELIN, 70's band YES! and early mind melting SID BARRETT era PINK FLOYD..



with all the flower child hippy accompanyment of tripped out flute solo's and 70's brown moog synths..



a forest full of pixie dust percussive stonerisms..



and endlessly swirling and churning hypnotic guitar and bass..



as performed in the most uncomprehensible yet hypnotic swedish warble by what appeared to be ancient long haired tree dwelling spirits fresh from the LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy..



yup.. it wuz like they landed in a spaceship in the middle of ROCKET BAR, from another time, another place, another entire dimension of reality where the conventional laws of physics bent like pretzels.. and with their kaleidoscopic tunes they kidnapped our brains and made them their dribbling narcotic playthings.. and DAMN wuz it some seriously freakin' coolarse shit :)



like whoaaaaaa duuuuude.. listening to this shit wuz like smoking some kinda triple AAA grade alien cannabis grown by teddy bears on a spice moon orbiting the outer reaches of reality and smuggled to us in the Millennium Falcon by a wookie thru an asteroid field full of muppets.. it wuz THAT freaking cool :)



yeah.. seriously.. DUNGEN.. anytime you crazy long haired freaky people wanna party like this in ADELAIDE again, I'm like soooooo THERE dooood.. groooooooovy! :)

with all the bands done with and my brain now severly warping beyond all measure of reality and with the time now pushing well past 2AM.. there wuz nothing else remaining in the city that could possible match or exceed this level of insanity on a thursday night.. so I made my leave of the ROCKET bar and floated on into the swirling mists of the cold winter's night..



where, suddenly struck with a ferocious case of the munchies (damn those wacky teddy bears) I then found myself at the FALAFEL HOUSE on HINDLEY ST.. grabbing a hotdog with cheese, onion, bacon and plenty of BBQ sauce.. before finally throwing myself into a passing spaceship, and then home at 3AM..

thus making for one helluva tripped out mind melting thursday night eeeeeee! :)


FRIDAY NIGHT
after spending the last 12-16 hours in a narcoleptic haze on the outer reaches of the milky way galaxy smoking it up with the kaleidoscopic tree people.. I rematerialise back into this plane of reality just in time for Friday Night to witness yet another fine selections of bands - THE BLACK DOVES, DIPSTONE, DESCRIBE ELIZA and MUNCHKIN, cooking up a storm of ecclectic electro-wackiness at JIVE..



THE BLACK DOVES
to begin our night of light entertainment.. we have THE BLACK DOVES on stage.. bringing us the ever subtle nuanced and delicate sounds of 80's style GOTH POP being beating to a screaming bloody pulp by the ATARI TEENAGE RIOT..

which by all appearances tonight looks as if it was performed by a demented highschool stage band fresh from A CLOCKWORK ORANGESQUE killing spree..



cue the interweaving shredding veins and narcotic sounds of churning sci-fi guitars and cycling synths..



bouncy castle metronome beats and retarded ear splitting harmonised screaming..



all set to an unrelenting militant crunch and graveyard groove that'd leave most nation's standing armies running screaming for the hills..



which always finishes with the trademark molestation of SCOTTY the guitarist, and the bloodied ruin of countless dribbling emo kids and goth tragics in the crowd begging for more..



as much as these kiddies lack vitamin D, vitamin C or anything approaching a discernable heartbeat.. they make up for it with one helluva fucked up diabolical performance.. ROCK :)

DIPSTONE
as THE BLACK DOVES are been subdued with liberal sprinkles of holy water and sent back scurrying into the shadows of the night.. it's time for a change of pace as we welcome the next act on stage, DIPSTONE.. yet another shiny musical import fresh from the wacky land of SWEDEN.. for which an anonymous source said it best on the night, when he described them as sounding very much like the electronic cafe-lite version of FLEETWOOD MAC..



they featured hypnotically soothing vocals from this lead vocalist that would put anyone but the most psychotically deranged serial killer into a grinning slumber..



a cycling array of feather light strumming bass, guitar and noodling acoustic..



backed by a gentle array of delicate synths and spikey fresh beats..



filled with such light polish and delicate ease, that it felt like being king hit by a dose of morphine injected straight into our numbing skulls..



and it wuz so eeringly pleasing to the ear, without a hard edge or a note out've place.. that although I couldn't make heads or tails of wot the hell it all meant and wouldn't normally class it as music I'd ever normally enjoy.. I couldn't help but nod along like a happily stunned goldfish regardless..



sure, it may not be for everyone's tastes and may be better suited for dosing you upto your eyeballs at your next trip to the DENTIST.. but for all it's easy going charm and delicate ways it certaintly did the job on the crowd tonight.. nice :)

as DIPSTONE leave the stage.. we then take a few moments to amuse ourselves with our resident village idiot IGOR and his amazing fuzzy white jacket dance as he entertained us from the left side of the stage.. woooooooooo.. look at that monkey go! YEAH!! FUNK IT!! WEEEEEEAUAUAUAUUAUAUAGGGHHHH!!



*ahem* anyhoo, nuff of that nonsense.. where wuz I again? :)

DESCRIBE ELIZA
up next, we now have DESCRIBE ELIZA from MELBOURNE..



mixing up an ear pleasing slinky smooth cafe groove and swingbeat funk jam on stage..



with the kinda slapped out bass and guitar rhythms that'd even get coma patients up and dancing..



whilst this tripped out funk mistress accompanied it all with a jazzy lyrical flow that got the crowd swinging their hips like tripped out rubber chickens all over the joint in next to no time..



yup, it was the kinda impossibly uber cool, dancefloor friendly jazzy swingcat grooving shit that you couldn't possibly resist.. and dammit, I couldn't get enough of it either.. you dude's can come by Adelaide again and jam out aaaaaanytime.. sheeeeiiiiiiit DAMN it wuz good :)



MUNCHKIN
and now after DESCRIBE ELIZA's spent an hour funking it up.. it's time for the headliner act for the night, MUNCHKIN (aka: THE GNOMES) to tear it up on stage..



bringing forth their trademark midget funk electrofusion of DEPECHE MODE vs SNEAKER PIMPS with little sprinkly bits of GARBAGE and PORTISHEAD thrown in for good measure..



featuring the swampy blues and funk note noodlings of DALE, the crazyfrog guitarist..



the warbling vocals of KALIAH, the ever exciteable shrieking bluebird of happiness..



and the hypnotic brown fury of GEDDY, the bong note bass guitarist.. look at that monkey go! wooooooo!



whilst KALIAH flaps her arms about like KERMIT the FROG on acid, doing the happy dance with TRON the robotronic beat machine (aka: "DOLLY THE LAPTOP")



which once again brings forth yet another sublime electro-fuzzy pop monkey performance that leaves the crowd dribbling like exciteable mental patients and screaming for more.. ;)



now that the organised entertainment is finished for the night, I celebrate the rest of the night by proceeding to get my brain thoroughly mixed and mashed up to a grinning pulp at the bar..



as I'm joined in my hooting baboon escapades by these and other unlikely looking fools..



with JIVE now emptying out at 2AM, we next turn our attention to SUPERMILD across the road..



where frosty tall bottles of long neck COOPERS PALE await us..



much hooting like baboons as we venture into the beer garden..



til we realise (as we're dressed like idiot eskimo's) just how freezingly fuckoff cold it IS out there..



so it's back inside for more long necks of PALE ALE..



as I drink the night to a cheerful oblivion with this motley ensemble of deranged freaks..

presenting.. ANDY, the a-grade hippy haired stoner..



GEDDY from MUNCHKIN and the infamous W SHANE FORSTER (who's doing his very best to make himself invisible after his performance last weekend MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!)



and with light entertainment provided by bartender JIMMY, LAURA.. and um.. whoever the fuck THAT other dude is on the right side of the photo (I DO know he's MUNCHKIN's music video director dude, but I can't for the life of me remember his freaking name.. anyone else have a clue?)



we then proceed with much dancing like retarded idiots on the dancefloor to SUPERMILD's selection of crazy 70's funk tracks with funk kitten SALLYCAT till the ridiculous wee hours of the morning..



finally emerging around 5AM as the venue closes up.. staggering down HINDLEY ST and chasing after all the oversized marbles spilling out've my brain (wow, if THAT's wot's in me brain, no wonder my head wuz hurting the next day.. yeeeeeeouch!)



the rest of the party freaks have since kicked on at the howling hellhole known as the BASEMENT further down the street.. but, with the time kicking on close to 6AM.. it's time for me to fall into a taxi and send myself back home for some much needed detox..

thus ending yet another ridiculously jam packed night of live music out in the city..


SATURDAY NIGHT
with bloodshot eyes, bloated liver, and broken brain (and busted fingers from transcribing all this insanity for you all now) it is with a weary resolve and a damn near foolhardy deathwish that I choose to head into the city once AGAIN for ROUND 3 - the final skull crushing lunatic chapter to this, my marathon weekend of howling noise and substance abuse in the city of serial killers..

the gig of choice tonight, is the triumphant return of TONY FONT SHOW to ADELAIDE and the CRANKA, after 2 weeks spent recording at 301 STUDIOS in BYRON BAY (for their upcoming and as yet untitled EP)



TONY FONT SHOW
it feels like it's been almost a year since these monkeys played around these parts.. and yet, my blog records show that somehow it's only been 3 weeks (such is the time distorting nature of "living life on tour" like I do in Adelaide each and every weekend.. whoaaaaa headspins!)



and as they are fresh from recent recording sessions at BYRON BAY and 2 weeks in the sun up north, the TONY FONT SHOW freaks are tonight pummeling the crowd here to a dribbling ruin like a catagory 5 hurricane.. with their signature blend of fucked up funk metal rock pig antics inspired by FAITH NO MORE, CHILI PEPPERS, MR BUNGLE, SYSTEM OF A DOWN and PRIMUS sent screaming to our ear drums..



a few mysterious previously unheard of songs make their first appearance tonight..



along with all the classic drug crazed spastic funk metal anthems that get the crowd going apeshit-freaking-beserk in front of the stage.. in a sea of bruises and broken limbs



PHIL's somehow survived his 2 week journey to BYRON BAY without breaking any bones or getting eaten by sharks surfing off the east coast.. and is tonight thrashing his drums into ever more psychotic frequencies of gnashing ultraviolent sound..



LEE's mental state continues to deteriorate into ever more colourful levels of dementia..



MATT's riding his bass guitar like it was an exceptionally erratic bull in a backstreet mexican rodeo..



whilst LEE continues to howl and twitch around the stage into further pits of dribbling despair (be afraid kiddies.. be very afraaaaaid.. aaaahahahahaha!)



and here.. finally, proof that RICH does INDEED move on stage.. as tonight I've compiled a series of timelapse photographs (taken over the entire gig) that emphatically prove that although he may not APPEAR to move on stage to the naked eye.. if you speed the footage up fast enough (by geographical standards of time) he does actually prove to be quite the lightening speed madman guitarist.. like whoaaa man, this is the kinda psychedelic riffage that'd have glaciers running scared n shit ;)



ahahaha.. but no seriously.. as much as I constantly make fun of RICH's playing (and will clearly do so well into the future) the dude's a freaking genius with the axe.. duuuuuude.. me and my raised devil fingers salute you.. ROCK!

yup.. TONY FONT have damn near destroyed another audience with their madcapped antics tonight.. in what amounts to an absolute massacre on the dancefloor, on the stage.. and from the looks of the rest of the venue (who left the bar in droves to witness this band firsthand) the rest of the CRANKA as well.. pity the poor fools who would hafta follow THIS act tonight.. WOOoOHAHAhAhAHAHAHAHAHaHA!!



but, no point me ruining the buzz in my head by sticking around to catch the poor unfortune fools crazy enough to follow TONY FONT SHOW tonight (peeps tell me it wuz some act from melbourne called SONS OF LEE MARVIN.. and yeah, they weren't really worth sticking around for.. hahahahaha!) as I've received an SMS by GEDDY to check out another set tonight by those funky chickens DESCRIBE ELIZA from Friday Night, who are playing another set again tonight at THE AUSTRAL..



DESCRIBE ELIZA
and so I duck into the front bar where they're playing.. in wot I'd otherwise jokingly like to refer to as "THE DARK ROOM", as the place wuz so dimly lit by the sparse few candles and dimming overhead lamps that you could hardly see 5 metres in front of your face.. let alone any of the band.. eeeeeeesh!

hence I proceed to take a select few photo's with my trusty (and highly fictional) night vision lenses..



and despite it being pitch black in here, despite the shoddy PA.. these dudes still proved the shit.. with yet another damn near addictive rubber chicken funk jam.. smoother than smoother.. and too damn freakingly cool to be allowed to roam the streets legally.. FUCK YEAAAAH!! :)



anyhoo.. after sampling 1/2 an hour of those grooves.. the set finished up, and I headed back to the CRANKA.. where DJ IAN was mixing up his cheese selection of indie bubble gum electro / 80's retro new-wave / cheese pop and other such classics from his ONE operational CD deck (as the other one wuz all busted up and refused to play the DUNGEN songs we kept requesting.. baaaaastard!)



it is here that I bump into these two unlikely fools, JAKE and SEAN "ROCKPIG" KEMP from BOOSTER who've come to join the SPOZ briefly tonight in continuation of their night of random beer fueled stupidity throughout the streets of Adelaide..



proceed with much retarded flailing about on the dancefloor with the usual suspects (hi SALLYCAT!) till about 1:30AM or so, when the music really takes a turn for the worse.. and I hafta flee the CRANKA in search of more brain destroying entertainment to sustain me..



so, I decide next to head towards SHOTZ.. and on the way.. spot a somewhat inebriated SIMONE in a dribbling incoherant mess on the ground with a goofy grin on her face.. hmmmmmm ;)



with SHOTZ presenting a fuckoff extended lineup stretching around the block (damn you happy hour) me, SIMONE and JOE "LOW BLOW" BLOGS decide instead to make our way BACK to the CRANKA..



and just for shits n giggles tonight, we decide to load up with a few rounds of ABSINTHE.. which for those of you unitiated.. is a crazy fucked up 70% - 90% grade alcoholic liquor made primarily from the evil ingredient "WORMWOOD" combined with a series of other fucked up (and quite possibly hallucinogenic) herbs found in the european countryside.. in it's natural form, it's obviously quite lethal.. so for drinking, it's often served up with a heated up sugar cube melted over the mix using a special "absinthe" spoon and diluted with either chilled ice water, or in this case.. chilled apple juice..



it was the kinda party drink originally found popular with impressionist painters and lunatic french intellectuals in late 19th century PARIS, was made illegal here for over a century (since it had the reputation of driving most people insane) only to then be made legal again here only quite recently..

(for the traditional way of serving this drink, hunt down the NINE INCH NAILS video "THE PERFECT DRUG" and consult your psychiatrist in the morning.. coz this be some seriously messy shit ;)

some take to ABSINTHE like ducks to water, others however are finding themselves in a bit of trouble..



suitably fueled up on the evil green faerie.. at 3AM we then stagger back in a cheerfully deranged stupour to SHOTZ, where things proceed to get even more messy on the SHOTZ dancefloor..



most of the next hour or two is a blurring green haze of dementia.. at least until the lights finally flicker on somewhere past 5AM, all the vampires are sent scurrying into the night.. and we head out the door.. as we then arrive at our final destination for the night, HUNGRY JACKS (aka: FLUNGRY SPLAKS) for a final meal of.. um.. wot'ever the FUCK it is that I ate at this hour (gee I hope it wuz good)



finally nearing 6AM and beyond all dimensions of stupid.. I bid goodbye to all the hooting circus freaks at FLUNGRY SPLAKS.. stagger blindly down GRENFELL ST.. fall into a waiting taxi somewhere down HINDLEY ST.. and finally arrive home.. a few minutes short of dawn.. and a few shades worse for wear..


SUNDAY NIGHT
no, I didn't do anything exciting tonight.. but, lemme just state for the record that I'm insanely jealous of SALLYCAT who DID continue to party on tonight.. for not only did she survive the same 3 nights of punishing brain destroying entertainment as I did.. but also somehow managed to venture out tonight for ROUND 4, scamming herself free entry to the soldout YEAH YEAH YEAH's concert at THE GOVERNOR HINDMARSH.. whyyyyy yooooooo luuuucky baaaaastard! ;)

hopefully tho'.. she might possibly be kind enough to send me some shiny photo's of that gig in the next few days, so I can post them here.. hint hint.. *cough* :)


*phew* and thus concludes yet another sleepy weekend in the city of Adelaide..

this town.. aaaaah yaaaaa!
is coming like a ghost town..
all the clubs have been closed down..
this place.. aaaaaah yaaaaa!
is coming like a ghost town..
bands won't play no more..
too much fighting on the danceflooor!
AAAAHH YAAAA YAAAA YAYAAAA YAYAYAYAAA WEEEEEEEE WOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Previously on Spoz's Rant: Territorial Pissings

:: Spoz 9:54 PM |
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