:: Friday, March 24, 2006

TIMMY THE MONKEY

this is a tale.. a mystifying and ponderous tale.. a half forgotten in the bottom of a pint glass with a suspicious white powdery residue tale.. the sorta tale you'd likely wake up from the next morning, found naked sprawled across international borders in a wheat field and wonder to y'self "WOT THE FUCK CRAZYARSE METALLIC TRACKING DEVICE DID THEY STUFF UP ME ARSE!!?? THIS TALE IS FUCKED UP!" kinda tale..

yup, it's the tale of TIMMY THE MONKEY (a moderately famous 4" tall sock monkey with his own website and legions of screaming fans worldwide) and his weekend out on the town with SPOZ (a moderately infamous drunken rockpig in the Adelaide music scene with his own dodgy rant site and legions of scaryarse stalkers) it's the sorta tale that you might not believe.. a tale you might not understand.. and if we didn't also bring EGOR, our ever faithful photography assistant and part-time crystal meth lab hobbyist on our journey.. then likely none of us would believe this freakyarse shit ever happened either..

so, sit back.. pour y'self a tall frosty one.. light up some human catnip.. and soak up this psychedelic "TRUE HOLLYWOOD" style journey into the night and wild times of a miniature sock monkey.. weeeeee!


so, here we are at the CROWN N ANCHOR HOTEL, aka: THE CRANKA - the most wretched hive of scum and villianry you'll ever find this side of the galaxy..

here's TIMMY outside saying hi to our friendly viewing audience..



TIMMY - "hi ev-weeeee-buddy!! I'm timmy da munkee and I wunt to be yor fwiend!!



following at least 4-6ft behind TIMMY at all times during the night, were these 2 people.. I dunno if they were his talent agents, bodyguards, minders, internet fanclub, paparazzi.. or one of those tag-along entourage types who secretly arrange for all of his monkey hookers and illicit monkey substances for the parties back at the hotel room.. either way.. once I got to know them, I found them to be really nice regular people..

see, TIMMY likes 'em too!
wait.. WOT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING!!??

TIMMY!!?

"mmmmm.. tastes like gibbon!"



(um.. yup, that wuz disturbing..)

upon entering the establishment.. TIMMY approaches the bar and attempts to order minisized banana diaquaris.. funnily enough the barstaff keeps getting the order wrong and serve him pints of beer instead..

"yeah.. sure, they're *cough* special foaming BANANA DIAQUARI's DEPTH CHARGED into our special.. um.. AMBER JUNGLE JUICE.. yeah! go'on.. try some! there's NO alcohol in these!"



a few pints in.. TIMMY goes out amongst the people and mingles with his fans..

here's CRAZYARSE FAIRY LADY showing her appreciation.. awwwwwwww isn't that cute? :)



SPOZ's friend HEIDI (who's usually incredibly adept at "hiding" from the camera) saying hi..



TIMMY meets that freaky looking guitarist dude from THE BLACK DOVES
(and we made sure to keep the holy water handy in case things got messy..)



"holy shit, yer right.. he DOES taste like gibbon!"
(yeah.. ok.. forget you saw this photo..)



suitably further inebriated, TIMMY poses in a few arty shots for EGOR's portfolio..

EGOR - "oh sure, these are nothing but tasteful shots.."



SPOZ - "um... okaaaay"



SPOZ - "whoaaa.. TIMMY? WTF are you doing?"



SPOZ - "seriously, did one of you TONY FONT guys spike his drink?"



SPOZ - "that's it.. EGOR.. you're FIRED! this shit's fucked up!"



from here on in.. the rest of the night starts spiralling horribly out've control..

TIMMY gives the drummer from THE BLACK DOVES an earful about his conspiracy theories involving african monkeys and the AIDs / EBOLA viruses...

"seriously.. duuude.. I'm telling you, it wuz genetically engineered by the CIA.. it's part of their system of control.. they've seeeen the PLANET OF THE APES maaan.. and they're scaaared!!"



(although, I'd believed his theories on the bird flu and how it was originally engineered by the CIA to keep the seagull population in check.. trust the CIA to fuck that one up aye?)

a few more beers in.. and TIMMY then makes a dash for this dude's herbal stash.. blazing himself up in a haze of jungle smoke..



suitably juiced up on who knows wot at this point in the night, TIMMY then tries his luck with the ladies..



very forward in his approach is little TIMMY..



"yeaaaah! TIMMY!! GO YOU CRAZY SOCK MONKEY!!! ROCK!! WOOOOOOOO!! YEAAAAAH!"



soon after this photo, security finally catches up with TIMMY, he's turfed out've the CRANKA with this lady in town, then wanders east swinging thru the trees of the GARDEN OF UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS freaking out all the POSSUMS and cutting a path of destruction and debauchery deep into the BOTANICAL GARDENS to the wee hours of the morning..

he hasn't been seen since..

latest rumour we've heard is that he's now since left AUSTRALIA and joined with the GORILLAZ and the ARTIC MONKEYS on their world tour thru the more colourful regions of SOUTH EAST ASIA.. although where exactly he is right now we can't be too sure.. since he's not answering his mini novelty banana phone..

it's been days since we've last heard from him..
and his exact whereabouts may be unknown..
but DAMN that monkey knows how to party!

he may just look like an innocent mild mannered sock monkey..
but he sure could teach the rest of us a thing or two!

TIMMY, WE SALUTE YOU! :)
and come back soon will you?

Previously on Spoz's Rant: Brown Paper Bag

:: Spoz 2:23 AM |
...

WHEN SEAGULLS GO BAD

back when I wuz a kid at the beach with me fish n chips, I used to love them wacky seagulls.. used to love feeding them me spare scraps of food.. they'd squabble and fight amongst themselves.. they'd jump around like idiots.. they looked so stupid and helpless..

"awwww look, one of 'em's only got one leg.. lets feed it!"

yeah.. I used to think they were cool.. I used to think they were me friends.. but just LOOK at 'em with their beady little eyes.. they've been exploiting our generousity.. they've been scheming away in their little brains.. and one day.. they're gonna FUCK US UP!



there's a lot more of 'em around now for one.. just you try and get a moment's peace with your food at the beach when there's 100's of the fuckers swarming around you all pestering for a spare scrap of food.. so many dumb kids like meself feeding them over the years, and now there's swarms of the little bastards.. and when there is so many of 'em.. wot happens NOW if we stop feeding them?

consider if you will (and there's surely enough of 'em roaming around) wot if, one day.. instead of just lingering around like a bad smell begging for food.. they start taking matters into their own hands.. wot if they began stealing food directly out've yer own hands.. surely they're quick enough, they could get away even before you had a chance to act.. and wot if they kicked it a step further.. why dont they just swoop in by the hundreds and fly away with small dogs, infants, toddlers, even children upto the age of 8? wot's to stop 'em maaan.. WOT'S TO STOP 'EM!!?? WHO'S GONNA THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!??

consider the nightmarish future when clouds of the little bastards roam the beaches and neighboring suburbs and leave nothing but human skeletons behind.. they're crafty little bastards.. they're already too clever for their own good.. I suspect they've been planning this shit all along.. they've been using us.. and one day, they'll strike and there'll be nothing left!

so.. before you feed these pesky little bastards.. just think of what yer doing.. consider the future.. consider what you'll be responsible for.. do you want all that blood on your hands?

just say NO to seagulls maaan.. your future is at stake!

:: Spoz 12:22 AM |
...

BROWN PAPER BAG

after the critically acclaimed success that wuz our infamous COMMANDO CHAIR prank a month ago.. we now present to you our second unofficial FRINGE FESTIVAL performance.. unleashed upon the unsuspecting city of ADELAIDE last Thursday night in a piece I simply like to call, BROWN PAPER BAG..

brown paper bag..
brown paper bag that they put our beers in..
brown paper bag that bridged the divide..
brown paper bag that travelled us from east to west..
brown paper bag that developed a mind of it's own..
brown paper bag that conquered a nation..
brown paper bag that we then had to destroy..
this bag of paper, your colour is brown..
go brown go, wherever your paper brown'ess goes..
(hahaha.. arrr fuck I'm an idiot)

yup, no point in explaining all this.. guess you just gotta see it for y'self..


































so, any questions? :)

Previously on Spoz's Rant: Belly Full Of Hurricane

:: Spoz 2:32 AM |
...