BELLY FULL OF HURRICANE
beer.. one of the most primordial forces of the human condition.. as intrinsic to our species as the tribal beat, the melody, the harmony, paint and sculpture, religion and warfare, taxes, laws and the written word.. beer.. the creator and the destroyer.. the warmonger and the peacemaker.. your truest friend and worst mortal enemy all wrapped in one.. a ying yang schizoid fighting it out for your mortal soul.. in beer we trust that it might show us the way.. or at least show us what is not the way so that we might then know the real way and steer clear from the littering of bodies, broken glass and swirling chunky stains that taunt us on our journey through the psyche..
this then.. is my journey in beer.. your journey may be different.. if symptoms deviate too much from those listed here.. check the instructions and check your dosage.. and remember, although there will be no refunds on this trip, things will come back to haunt you.. ;)THURSDAY NIGHT
try as I might to stay home tonight.. (which really.. isn't TOO MUCH to ask now is it? it's Thursday night for fucksake? wot do you people WANT FROM ME!!??) I'm drawn out once again as I'm delivered an offer I can't possibly refuse.. the 4th freakin' Thursday Night in a row too.. when all I want is peace and quiet, why do they always offer me such shiny distractions!? DAMN YOU ADELAIDE MUSIC SCENE.. DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!
tonight I was offered a bunch of bands at the CRANKA - with the full throttle japanese punk antics of MACH PELICAN and 50 KAITANS, supported by BLOW UP BETTY - a band I've never really seen before.. but apparently they've won, like.. I dunno.. a bunch of SAMIA awards this year or some shit (so, keep an eye out for these guys.. they might be upto something..)BLOW UP BETTY
arriving at 9PM or so.. I see BLOW UP BETTY on stage.. thinking.. "YAY! I'm gonna see WACKY JAPANESE PUNK any minute now.. YEAH!! WOOOOO! CARNAGE!! YEAAAAAH!!"
so.. obviously I wuzn't paying much attention to the support band (sorry guys!)
all in all tho'.. they're a cool enough band if the DONNAS, DISTILLERS or the SPAZZY's is your kinda thing..
anyhoo.. a few beers in, my plans for ninja punk insanity is thrown out the window when a bunch of us hear rumours of a top secret gig that's going to be held tonight in the PERSIAN GARDENS featuring TALVIN SINGH - world reknown UK DRUM N BASS / INDIAN TABLA freak of nature spinning a DJ set.. and yeah, I know what yer thinking.. I'd hardly heard of this freak either.. but, with the chance to see a vaguely world famous DJ swirling DRUM N BASS vindaloo for only $5.. how could I refuse dammit?
so, after loading ourselves up on more beers at the CRANKA (since there wuz no way I wuz gonna pay for $6 booze at the PERSIAN) we hit RUNDLE MALL and made our way down..
a few silly things happened along the way.. usually the sorta shit you'd file away under the "what happens walking down RUNDLE MALL.. stays in RUNDLE MALL" catagory.. but this wuz so freakin' ridiculous, we thought it worthy to document.. but not here.. oooooh no.. wot we did wuz SO crazy, I hafta leave it for another blog post later in the week to give it the space it deserves.. trust me, it'll be worth it.. you'll piss y'self laughing.. ;)
in the meantime tho', here's a photo of MEL getting a little too friendly with one of the RUNDLE MALL pigs..
*ahem*.. yeah.. aaaand now we're moving on..TALVIN SINGH
anyhoo.. arriving in the PERSIAN GARDENS we found a spot amongst the rugs and the cushions to enjoy this top secret ninja set by TALVIN SINGH..
quite possibly some of the coolest top secret ninja DRUM N BASS mashups I've heard in a long while.. yeah.. niiiice one!
after his set.. some idiot took over the decks and played a set of totally mismatched ELECTRO HOUSE shite that just fucked up the vibe for everyone.. so, seeing the moment had past here.. we bid farewell to the PERSIAN GARDENS at 1AM.. and made our way to the OTHER infamous gardens in the east parklands..
along the way down NORTH TCE.. BEECHY is attacked and almost eaten by one of those marauding political posters from the upcoming STATE ELECTION.. it took about 3-4 of us and quite some effort to drag it off of him.. aggressive little fuckers they are too.. yikes!
upon reaching the GARDEN OF UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS.. I enjoyed some of the finer cuisine on offer - a big dumb serve of chips and gravy.. just the thing to compliment the avalanche of alcohol I'd drunk that night.. weeeeeeeee!
from here, I spent the rest of the night chasing possums around (quite possibly to see what they tasted like with gravy..)
finally by about 3AM.. we were once again kicked out've the garden.. I made my way down towards the west end of Adelaide.. and before too long the magical TAXI found me and delivered me home safe and sound with my head spinning full of piss.. phew.. for a Thursday night, that's a damn good effort..FRIDAY NIGHT
tonight my original plan was to channel surf some venues.. switching from THE BLACK DOVES at the CRANKA, to MIRRORLINE and 1QA at JADE MONKEY, back to the CRANKA for a few more beers then finish it up with some ST PATRICK'S DAY stupidity down RUNDLE ST and EAST TCE at the end of it..
actual events turned out somewhat differently..THE BLACK DOVES
as planned I began the night with THE BLACK DOVES at the CRANKA.. which as someone once described to me, is like "seeing the full fury of NINE INCH NAILS for only $5".. yeaah.. look at these crazy kids tear the place apart.. ROCK!
as I know full well from previous gigs (see the "drummer almost blacks out" entry from a few weeks back) BLACK DOVES are never a band to piss about by half measures.. they damn near kill each other each and every gig..
I got no idea who the fuck that freak with the blue boxers is next to FRED FLINSTONE there, or wot the fuck he thought he was doing.. but, damn he was excited to be there..
they say it takes 3-4 years of screaming at the top of your lungs to provide the energy required to boil a cup of coffee.. yet, with MARIO here.. methinks you could cut that down to 3 months, tops..
here the guitarist is momentarily distracted by his own shoes melting into a puddle on the floor.. whoaaaa.. trippy..
again, there's that weird kid with the blue boxers.. I think he's starting to really piss me off now (I much prefered it when they had that crazy topless chick playing the tamborine a few months ago.. DAMN SHE ROCKED! BRING HER BACK DAMMIT!)
finally.. after killing off half their audience from heat exhaustion, punctured lungs and broken bones.. THE BLACK DOVES bid farewell backstage to feast on some much needed goats blood and organ harvestings.. yeah.. great set you freakin' mass murdering psychos!
with their set over.. I had all intentions to leave the CRANKA and make my way down to JADE MONKEY to catch MIRRORLINE.. coz hey, those crazy kids rock! they tear shit up! they're diabolical! they're like all the howling insanity of MUSE for only $5.. and.. um..
*whoaaaa* yeah.. nevermind.. what wuz I talking about again?
yup.. that's Simone
.. hi SIMONE! welcome to SPOZ's RANT!! really.. come by aaaaanytime.. you're more than welcome! WOOOHEHAHEHEHAHA! *ahem*.. damn my brain :)
apparently, rumour has it she also goes by the nickname "PORNSTAR".. why exactly I have no idea.. hmmmm.. methinks more investigating is in order..
she was soon joined by her partner in crime, JOE BLOGS, a lunatic who also runs his own photo blog
.. yeah.. not that you'd know from how he acts in front of a camera..
hmmm.. yeah.. I could explain why JOE BLOGS is devouring a minature monkey puppet here.. but.. well.. once again.. you'll hafta tune back later this week to see the full report on the adventures of "TIMMY THE MONKEY".. be sure to check it out, it's really fucked up..
from here, JOE and SIMONE then drag me outside to join in on their crazy idea of a "big night out".. and knowing full well wot these lunatics are capable of, I fear for my own life..
their customs were somewhat strange and foreign to me..
thus.. much more beer was needed in order to help translate..
but even all that beer couldn't possibly hope to explain THIS.. seriously, anyone have a freaking CLUE wot's going on here?
upon reaching the GARDEN of UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS.. JOE attempts a game of TEN PIN BOWLS with a pile of stacked chairs..
we pissed ourselves laughing for a solid 10 minutes.. till we then realised he'd stopped moving for those same 10 minutes.. so, a little embarassed.. we called an ambulance and bid farewell to him and his friends..
yeah, nice people.. perhaps a little bit OFF in the head tho'.. ;)
somewhat dribbling beyond all normal measures of stupid or incoherant at this point, I then find myself outside the EXETER at 4AM.. where I encounter TODD from the LC3's and DAN from SWEEPER lying around on the ground in an even more idiotic state of intoxication than meself..
so, obviously.. this all then leads to us to SUPERMILD..
(yeah.. I can't quite figure it why either)
with the DJ crankin' up some phat funk toons, we cut the spastic rug out on the dancefloor till all the lights went on and they throw us out at the end of the night..
a bunch of rocks, a scotch glass and a cactus - this is your brain on drugs..
finally somewhere past 5AM or so.. I manage to summon a TAXI to shuffles me off home safetly to an attending nurse and a spare liver donor.. weeeeeee!SATURDAY NIGHT
I wake up today with my brain five shades of cactus and it takes at least 4 panadols throughout the day to finally extinguish the jackhammers in me head.. yeah.. damn.. hahahahaha.. did I fuck myself up royally last night or wot..?
so, obviously.. I knew I had to do it all over AGAIN tonight!
(hahahaha.. yeah.. fuck I'm an idiot!)
so.. here I am at the CRANKA.. AGAIN.. for a 3rd night running..
I got here at 9PM.. found a table outside with some people I knew.. set up base camp.. and throughout the night started amassing more and more lunatics I knew, stacking up beer glasses on the table along the way.. I could've sworn there wuz at least 20 people at one point all crowded around that one table..
yup, as they say.. beer loves company..
hmmm.. shit.. wait.. WHO THE FUCK ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE!??
many beers followed.. many MANY BEERS.. probably waaay too many beers (my liver hates me.. I just know it!) and really not a fuck've a lot else.. I vaguely remember hitting the dancefloor once or twice and making a total fucking mess of meself throughout the night.. but, that wuz about it.. all good fun tho'..
this eventually leads to me staggering down RUNDLE ST at around 3AM without a clue..
where I soon arrive in east tce to bid farewell to the GARDEN OF UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS, the FRIDGE FESTIVAL, THE ADELAIDE FESTIVAL OF ARTS, THE STATE ELECTION (apparently LABOR won?) and likely.. also many of my brain cells in the process..
(but hey, I'm not worried.. they grow back.. right? RiiiiGHT!?)
aaah. so many fond memories of being kicked out've this place at the end of the night.. and hey.. since those wacky idiots LABOR won the election (with no help from me.. hahaha), it looks like we can look forward to the FRINGE every year.. YAY!
yeah.. my liver's really gonna hate me now.. ;)
from here.. I then bid a final farewell to my consciousness.. after finding me the last late-night bus at 4AM..SUNDAY
I thought I'd wake up dead.. or in a bathtub of ice with my kidneys missing.. and yet.. today, I find myself at HENLEY SQUARE of all places..
at first I couldn't quite remember WHY I was here.. or who I was.. or where that weird smell was coming from.. so, to jolt my memory I bought some fish and chips, found a lazy spot in the sun and attempted to reconstruct what was left of my higher brain function..
I then spent the next few minutes proceeding to take dumb photo's of myself with this fuzzy hat I happened to find lying around..
obviously I'd done some seriously damage to my intellect after this many nights out on the piss, coz I also found simple colours and shapes to be fascinating.. "hahaha.. sheeeiit.. look how tiny my eyes are, and how big me nose and teeth are.. yeaaah.. rock!"
thankfully I finally remembered why I was here.. since I was called to do a quick photoshoot of SWEEPER
here, for their upcoming single.. "BELLY FULL OF HURRICANE".. yeah.. just like the name of this blog.. coincidence? I think not.. check it out when it's released in the next few weeks.. it'll be fookin' rock!
and that.. kiddies.. is my weekend..
dunno how the fuck I survived another one of these.. but once more, I emerge both wiser and dumber thanks to the mysterious ways of the BEER.. aaaah BEER, where would my weekend blogs be without you?
but, wait.. that's NOT ALL! stay tuned.. for there's still more to come, when I present to you all the wacky "missing" bits from this weekend.. shit so stupid and ridiculous, you wouldn't believe it unless you saw it with your own eyes..
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Beer Makes You Do The Darndest Things