:: Friday, March 10, 2006

PISSING THRU A SIEVE

"wow.. dude, check this out.. EVIAN is NAIVE spelt backwards!"

bottled water.. it's gotta be one of the most stupid concepts ever entertained on the commercial market.. right up there with selling ICE to Eskimo's and SAND to the Arabs.. and yet, somehow.. it's become a very profitable one at that..



we all know water is freakin' EVERYWHERE.. it covers 66% of the earth's surface as vast oceans of blue.. it hovers overhead in big fluffy white clouds.. pisses down from the skies as rain.. hails the size of golfballs.. snows up most of the northern hemisphere in winter time.. people ski on the shit.. sign their name on it.. make snow people and carve angels out've it.. it washes down the hillsides in rivers and creeks.. people swim in it.. surf on it.. get eaten by sharks in it.. we're even made of 65% of the stuff..



so, how can BOTTLED water be more than twice as expensive as PETROL? it's still only water isn't it? they're not sprinkling diamond dust or cocaine in it are they? by wot idiotic claim of logic are they justifying this for profit?

"Our water begins as rain, purified by equatorial trade winds after traveling thousands of miles across the Pacific Ocean. Once it arrives in ####, it falls and filters through ancient volcanic rock over hundreds of years.
During this process #### ##### collects life-essential minerals, like silica, and finally gathers in a natural artesian aquifer, where it is preserved and protected from external elements.
Bottled at the source, natural artesian pressure forces the water through a hermetically sealed delivery system free of human contact.
No additives, No preservatives. And most importantly, no fingerprints. It's water the way nature intended. Untouched."

hahaha.. wot a load of fuckin' bollocks!

and yet, as a result of such brilliant advertising campaigns.. you see the damn things everywhere.. especially littered around all those wacky rock festivals and concerts, where they up the prices to even more ridiculous levels than usual..

$5 for 600mL's of this stuff? SURE! I AIN'T FUCKIN' DRINKING OUT'VE THE TOILET!



and yet, next time you drink this stuff, amazed by how "untouched" and pristine it is.. consider where it's REALLY coming from.. water doesn't just magically appear out've the sky from nowhere.. it's been around on this stinky planet for the last 4 billion years.. so chances are exceedingly high that before you've drank it, your water has done ALL of the following..

(a) has been urine pissed out've animals for the last 4 billion years..
(b) has also once been spit, milk, semen, vomit, poison and otherwise wacky glandular sucretions and excretions squirted out've numerous orifices too gruesome to mention..
(c) been flowing through cities as sewerage..
(d) washed thru billions of years worth of dirt, sand and rock..
(e) had countless sea creatures having sex and multiplying in it..

yup, "untouched" my arse.. come to think of it.. all water you've drank.. at once stage.. came OUT of something's arse.. maybe even flushed down a toilet somewhere in the world.. scary thought isn't it?

"HEY! you can't sit there.. somebody peed on that ground last week!"
"duuuude.. the way I see it.. every patch of ground in this city has been peed on at least once.. if it's dry now.. why should I give a shit?"

yup, no amount of high-tech filtering and processing is gonna erase all of THAT history.. a little perspective can be a dangerous thing..

so really.. past all the bullshit, a few charcoal filters and a labeled bottle, wot IS the fuckin' difference between treated tap water, which is only $1 per millions of litres.. and bottled water at $3 for just ONE litre?

NAIVE indeed.. ;)

:: Spoz 4:34 PM |
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WEE MAN - DEAD OR ALIVE!?

yup, apparently the latest urban legend doing the rounds of late, is that THIS guy, Jason Acuña, aka: the "WEE MAN" (notorious skateboarding Oompa Loompa of JACKASS tv and movie fame) is now dead..



word on the street is, "he tried 2 eat his own weight in salt n died halfway thru" whilst attempting a stunt for JACKASS (or one of it's spinoffs) thus making him a very dumb human anchovy in the process..

the rumour then goes on.. when MTV considered all the negative publicity this would cause for JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, BAM MAGERA, STEVE-O and all the rest of them JACKASS alumni and the resultant legal risk to their multimillion dollar "idiot empire", WEE MAN's death was kept secret and buried from the mass media.. and everything has continued like it's "business as usual" ever since.. people are even claiming other members have also died on the "job".. and it's all just a horrible MTV conspiracy..

yeah.. I know it all sounds fucken retarded (like most urban legends) but for laughs, I've been doing a bit of research on this anywaze to prove this story either way.. and although (as expected) evidence of his DEATH is thin on the ground (and a ridiculous rumour at best) any actual evidence to prove he's still ALIVE isn't all that easy to come by either.. for instance, the last post he makes on his own website, is dated almost 6 months ago.. hmmmmm.. been a bit silent aye WEE MAN? is it simply because you've been too busy being a midget celebrity? or.. could it be because you're NO LONGER OF THIS WORLD!?

yeah, lets face it.. if there's no REAL music on MTV anymore and it's all just idiot reality tv shows.. then, wot DOES the M stand for now? MEDIOCRITY? MASS MARKETING? MONEY? or is it MUUUUUUURDER!!!?

you be the judge..

:: Spoz 6:10 PM |
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TURN ON THE BRIGHT LIGHTS

greetings earthlings! (and a special greeting to all you other kaleidoscopic denizens of the ever shifting multiverses who are now joining us on our many affiliate sub-stations) and welcome to yet another spleen imploding weekend episode of SPOZ's brain in a blender!

for this weekend's recipe you will require - some diced apples.. banana's.. apricots.. carrots.. bacon bits.. dry ice.. a few litres of suspect yoghurt.. olives without the pips.. orange rind soaked in lighter fluid.. dried fish eggs.. gunpowder.. fermented milk of yak.. those mysterious blue flowers that only grow on the south side of the montainside on the spring equinox just above the tree line.. 5 or 6 blue M&M's.. an enraged marmoset.. a live hand grenade and as many 20 dollar bills in nonsequential numbers as you can stuff into this burning brown paper bag before the cops arrive..

tip them all into the blender provided.. flick the switch.. forget the lid.. spray the entire contents all over the ceiling and walls.. and as the chunks rain back down upon your head with your tongue held high to catch the flavours.. you may begin to experience a near fascimile of the weekend I just had.. just don't let me catch you licking the ceiling fan (that shit is just ASKING for trouble!)

here then.. is the story as it happened..
(or at least all the bits I still remember.. coz daaamn DID I get waaasted eeeeeee!)

THURSDAY NIGHT
'twas the night of the FUSE FESTIVAL and all thru the city all the creatures were stirring.. even the mouse.. and sure, I know the mouse knows how to play a mean chord or two.. but I wuzn't here for the mouse.. or at least I don't think I wuz here for the mouse (mental note: wot'ever happened to Adelaide band "BRER MOUSE".. anyone?) nope.. I was here tonight to see the CASIO BROTHERS and MUNCHKIN do their tweaky electro thing at a place called SUGAR on the far eastern end of Rundle St..



yeah.. funny place SUGAR.. I always assumed it wuz one of those uber exclusive style joints where all the fashion nazis would go to so they could sip on their expensive imported beers and mixed cocktails, free from the drunken rockpig riff-raff of the outside world whilst they danced the night away to dodgy RnB and EUROTRASH club tunes.. ie: pretty much the LAST place you'd find me at.. (coz hey, I happen to love the drunken rockpig riff-raff.. they're MY kinda people)

and yet, despite all that.. here I was tonight.. for as they say, "wherever my bands go.. so goes my nation".. although fuck me if I'm gonna pay $6.50 for a stubbie of pale ale.. them bastards! (luckily the CRANKA and EXETER were close by.. so, no dramas)

in homage to all the shiny plastic people of SUGAR, the bands decided that tonight would be "department store mannequin" night.. doing their very best in barely articulate limbed crash-test dummy moves on stage and into the dancefloor.. you may think I'm just making shit up here.. but take a look at the evidence for y'self..

THE CASIO BROTHERS
here's the first band of the night, CASIO BROTHERS (Adelaide's finest pseudo swedish electro-booty pimp-rap act) pulling some choice dummy moves..



here's their "glam rock" pose..



their "baby got back" pose.. w00t w00t!



the "tip me over and I'll shatter into a million pieces like T1000 in Terminator 2" pose..



one of those weirdly artificial "a day on the sporting field!" poses you see in those cheaparse K-MART fashion catalogues..



to further prove my point.. here's Sally Kitten getting in on the act, showing us the "WOW! my arms don't bend at the elbows either!" pose..



ok.. this shit is starting to freak me out too much..



yup, we ALL know who the REAL dummy in this photo is.. ;)
(weird how the crowd didn't appreciate my "OI.. SHOW US YER BUSH!" jokes tho.. hmmmm)



after an hour or so of this madness their batteries all ran out.. ending the set with this tangled heap of body parts sprawled over the stage (the energiser bunny however, still kept dancing..)



still, a damn fuckin' killer set tho'.. the crowd went seriously mental to this shit.. I went seriously mental to this shit.. even the plastic people went mental to this shit.. so, next time you see a gig coming up, go check these dudes out.. you wont know wot hit you (especially with those backup dancers, the CASSETTES.. woooo! :)

up next, we had Ellie the hula hoop girl prodiving a nifty interlude - impersonating a series of white goods and kitchen appliances..
this is a piece she likes to call the "DYSLEXIC DESK FAN"..



MUNCHKIN
up next we reach MUNCHKIN's set as they created a sea of floating disembodied heads and hands slinking around in the inky electro darkness.. yup.. dressing in black in a black venue sure does trip people the hell out.. perhaps they were doing their best to ape the title of their upcoming album "DENY YOU'RE HERE".. hmmmm.. fucked if I know.. sure melted my brain tho!



here they show us something from the "EAST BERLIN" school of performance art..



lead singer KALIAH gets into the mannequin act with some spaced out moves, here she's playing the "rabbit in the spotlight" pose..



the "2 rival puppeteers are fighting for control" pose..



the "my arms double as chopping instruments of death" pose..



the "I was so wacky on sugar I thought I wuz a hummingbird for 24 hours" pose..



an alternative mix of the "rabbit in the headlights" pose (for the Japanese market)



and for all of you out there who still think I'm kidding about all this mannequin shit.. THIS is the photo for you.. the "run fer ya freakin' lives.. it's that Paris Hilton HOUSE OF WAX movie! AAAAUAUUAUAUAUAUAAAGHHH!!" (be afraid, be very afraid! especially if they make a sequel..)



still, all jokes aside.. a welcome return by them wacky GNOMES.. good to see you colourful midgets back on the live scene.. it's been too freakin' long aye?

after the gig, I faced the prospect of buying up on more $6.50 beers at the bar..



but instead found myself backstage here, doing lines of speed with the energiser bunny (coz seriously.. wot ELSE would you use a table like THIS for!?)



at about 1AM or so.. a bunch of us piled out've SUGAR, and headed to the GARDENS OF UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS to end the night in style.. thus bringing to a close our Thursday night of electro wackiness..


FRIDAY NIGHT
tonight presented itself with an ecclectic mix of sights and sounds, as it was the opening of the big sophisticate parent of the FRINGE.. the ADELAIDE FESTIVAL OF ARTS..

after a random beer or two at the WORLDSEND with STUCKEY.. we found ourselves at Elder Park to witness this cheesy opening act from Italy.. a name that has since eluded my foggy memory.. something like "EL DIVO THINGY ILLUMINATI INFLATABA" (or something).. yeah, if anyone wants to fill me in on wot the FUCK this was.. drop a comment (sure I could find it out myself.. but, meh.. fukkit.. ;) )

the act consisted of a lot of suspended skyfox type wires over the river.. from which various dancers were suspended.. followed by crazed cyclists in faerie lights.. suspended piano players and cyclists.. hamster ball gondolas.. and finally these exceptionally trippy hot air balloon orb thingies with dancers suspended below 'em..

apparently there wuz a whole story narrated by some woman in an italian accent that tied all these elements together.. but, to me.. it mostly sounded like the sorta light fluffing dribble you expect from a children's fairy tale.. but really, who gives a fuck about the story with these things anywaze? ;)




as you can see from the crowd of over 30,000 packed out in the park to view this (with many claiming their spots mid afternoon) we were stuck a fair distance back (hence the shitty far-away shots..)



with the one hour performance over, we worked our way thru the crowds back to Hindley St..



from here.. things get a bit confusing..

originally I had the idea to go see BOG LOG III and THE GELS at JIVE.. that then switched to a plan to go see LA FEMME LE FEVER, MY SISTER THE COP (and some other band) at ROCKET BAR.. which.. then then switched to THE COLONIAL (formerly JIMMY ROE'S) for a beer or two.. yeah.. I dunno either.. with a FESTIVAL OF ARTS and a FRINGE running simultaneously.. it wuz near impossible not be distracted in 10 directions at once..

looking for an actual destination.. I do some ringing around, discovering a large gathering of drunks are to be found at the CRANKA.. so, finally at around 11.. we head on down.. spot CHELSEA, SALLY KITTEN, TONY from BURN THE ASHES, those loons from the TONY FONT SHOW and other assorted colourful nutjobs drinking it up.. and for various "too busy getting drunk" reasons, I've thus left most of this part of the night out've the photographic record (no point incriminating anyone now IS there?)

as expected, many beers later.. around 1AM.. we again find ourselves at the GARDEN in the east parklands for more non-sensical beer fueled carnage..

here, I've once again stolen someone's hat and taken a photo of it.. I really don't know WHY the fuck I keep doing that when I'm pissed.. although.. I seem to only ever find hats WHEN I'm pissed.. hmmmm.. figure THAT one out..



here we bumped into some more drunks lurking in the gardens.. producing this week's winner of the "creepiest photo of the weekend" award.. YAY!



here we spent an hour or so pissing off the bar staff and security by building dangerously unstable columns, spires and skyscrapers out've various beer and mixed spirit bottles.. after various smaller abortive attempts and failures.. our work finally culminated in THIS architectural master stroke..



unfortunately.. soon after this photo wuz taken, terrorists from the table over destroyed the structure with 2 well aimed paper jets.. we vowed to avenge this act, by declaring jihad.. but before we could make for a pre-emptive strike on falsified grounds of "illegal drug possession".. we were then shuffled out've the GARDENS by the smiling security.. as it was closing time..

(of course.. everyone knows we were just gonna go to war with 'em to nick all their beers anywaze.. but enough about politics ;)

at about 3:30AM or so, I find myself at the end of my night, sufficiently stupid with beer upto me eyeballs to want to shuffle off on the last late night bus home.. upon reaching my stop (conveniently situated just outside the gardens) I find this bizarre series of "post-it" note style artworks stuck on the bus shelter.. (when it's FESTIVAL time.. every freakin' available space is open season for creative pranksters - as we've proven in the past ;) )



and thus ending a totally dribbling random FRIDAY NIGHT..


SATURDAY NIGHT
continuing with the freerange random stonerisms of last night's journey.. today, I find meself being kidnapped by KELSHY from SWEEPER and LUKE ASHBY.. heading to HENLEY SQUARE to grab a few beers.. some caffienation.. and the usual crap mixed with pasta you expect to find in a seaside cafe..

and since we're here.. here's the stock standard dumb pictoresque photo of the beach we had to have..



(um.. yeah.. aaand we're moving on..)

with prospects of what I assumed would be a quiet night.. I decide to take the opportunity to catch a movie.. "JARHEAD" at the Hindley cinemas..



hmmmm.. yeah, ok.. this is just a CHARLIZE THERON thing.. ignore this photo.. :)



oh.. and as for wot I thought of "JARHEAD".. yeah.. ok.. it wuz a good movie.. and I'd say more about it.. but likely after surviving THIS long a blog entry.. the last thing you wanna see is another 5 paragraphs of a movie review.. fuckit.. just go see the movie, if you like war satire.. like THREE KINGS, MASH or PEARL HARBOUR (no, wait.. they were being SERIOUS with that movie? nevermind.. hahaha).. then you'll dig this one..

after leaving the cinema.. I'm SMS'd by ANDY, with word of a new venue that's opened up for the ADELAIDE ARTS FESTIVAL (situated next to the torrens behind the CONVENTION CENTRE) called the "PERSIAN GARDENS".. by this point suitably bored of the GARDEN OF UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS after going there night after night, and looking for new adventures in drunken stupidity.. I head on down..

1/2 an hour of waiting in slow queue later.. I eventually find my way thru this funkly lit up entranceway to the shiny PERSIANESQUE shit within..



HEXSTATIC
within the gardens I find this stage and video screen setup.. performing on the night were the supreme UK VJ / DJ mashup assassins, HEXSTATIC.. crankin' up a full throttle mix of electro, breaks and drum n bass, synched up to these seriously trippy spliced up / quick edited video visuals.. here you can see 'em make for a wacky finale with REN n STIMPY's "HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY" song.. fuck yeah!



throughout the gently sloping lawns.. were scattered a large assortment of persian rugs, bean bags, cushions, pillows and low lying tables to put your drinks on.. making for what is probably the coolest freakin' idea for an outdoor venue I'd ever seen (although it'd be fucked if it ever rained..)



finding a table and a shitload of beanbags and cushions situated in commanding position 1/3 up the hill facing the stage.. we make base camp.. and loaded up on beers.. along the way we bumped into W SHANE FORSTER, KELSHY, the freakingly hot RENEE, and her friend who I simply like to refer to as "POCKET BEYONCE".. yeah.. she rocks!



unlike the meagre offering of BECKS, BECKS and more BECKS found at the UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS.. here, we found various PINTS of COOPERS for $6 on offer.. sure, the price was still a little steep.. but, you can't possibly complain with surroundings as seriously cool as this..

to show my appreciation for those who organised such brilliant surrounds.. I offered this shiny pyramid of beer..



HEXSTATIC was followed by a group of wacky french african dancers, pulling various moves from traditional to breakdancing.. as we watched in our commanding position, like ruling kings with our beanbags and cushions.. drinking beers.. hazing in clouds of wookie.. and otherwise soaking up the psychedelic arabian vibe of the establishment..

many beers.. and much swirling fumes later.. the dance troupe was followed by some nutty WORLD MUSIC DJ with freaky large blur rimmed glasses.. cranking everything from AFRICAN, MIDDLE-EASTERN, INDIAN, JAPANESE, EUROPEAN, TRIBAL, FUNK, ELECTRO and DOOF DOOF HOUSE jams.. mixed so freaking smooth.. I had no freakin' clue where one song ended and the other began.. sometimes sounding like 6 songs all bleeding thru each other like a kaleidoscope of sound.. then again, my brain was seriously baked by this point, so who knows? fuck it sounded cool tho'.. :)

many more beers later.. somewhere past 3AM.. the PERSIAN was closing up.. so, we made our way out and towards Hindley St.. with aims to head to SUPERMILD..

along the way out, I pass by this woman passed out on the lawn.. so, as always when opportunity for stupidity presents itself.. I loaded her up with cushions and took this photo..

welcome to the blog, whoever you are.. MUHAHAHAHAHA!



in our particularly hazy condition.. we found the way to SUPERMILD a bit confusing..



I could've sworn I was standing upright when I took THIS photo.. daaamn.. I must've been fucked up..



finding ourselves at SUPERMILD.. we grab a beer and head out to the beer gardens, thru this trippy looking entranceway.. (although at this point, cement would've look "trippy", so I guess it's up for interpretation either way....)

and yes.. you heard correctly.. SUPERMILD has a beer garden now.. I could show you a photo of it.. but yer much better off checking it out for y'self.. it's pretty damn cool (even if it does lack any actual "GARDEN" elements yet..)



beyond the point of gibbering stupidity.. we wander back inside with the beer garden closing up.. and make total twits of ourselves on the dancefloor.. or at least I THINK we did.. sure can't remember much at this point.. but hey, look.. shiny photo of a DJ mixer.. wooooo!



at around 5AM or so.. I finally find meself in a taxi.. manage something in my addled brain resembling a "sense of direction" and head on home.. passing out asleep sometime around 7AM..

and that, in the most stoner vague of narrative, was my weekend..
any questions? :)

Previously on Spoz's Rant: Fire In The Hole

:: Spoz 11:29 PM |
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