KILL ALL HIPPIES
aaaaah yes.. here we are, the proud and the fortunate.. living in this glorious city of Adelaide - one million of us and hemmoraghing population rapidly to the eastern states.. Adelaide, the glorious city of tiny brown foothills, wide green floodplains and a sewerage filled river that nobody dares swim in.. witness our wondrous city filled with the endless joys of psychotic road raging motorists, bogans, rock throwing hooligans, heavily armed bikie gangs, deranged football fans, medieval shopping hours, draconian censorship laws, decriminalised marijuana (wooo!) and miles after miles of suburban slums stretching as far down south as the eye can see.. oh Adelaide the city of churches! the festival state! but also, as it is becoming infamously more well known as - Adelaide the city of serial killers and homicides! yup, as rumoured to've been reported a few years back as a statistic in a BBC documentary, it turns out this fair stench of a city holds the dubious honour of being the NUMBER ONE city for the MOST murders and serial heads per head of capita in the ENTIRE world.. yup, even more than NEW YORK CITY.. we leave the rest of the world for dead baaaby :)
but of course, this statistic would come as NO surprise to any of you maniacs known to frequent the night life and local music scene of this fair flatulent hellhole.. yup.. if you just but scratch and sniff under this charred surface.. you'll witness more than your fair share of grinning horrors and abnormal mutants, the likes of which no sane person should ever have to be faced with in the light of day and yet for the sake of this website (and especially on this ONE crazy weekend at the end of AUGUST) I witness it all - the goths, the zombies, the vampires, the circus freaks, the hillbillys, stoners, drunks and all manner of knife wielding serial psychopaths in between that make this city the most glorious of psychedelic wonderlands that it is..
so join me if you dare and enter this most deranged and murderous slice in the weekend of SPOZ as we witness the life, the music and yes even the homicidal finger puppets that make us all proud.. aaaah :)FRIDAY NIGHT
for my first destination tonight my intergalactic p-funk spaceship lands me here at JIVE at 8PM, floating me blindly past a large gathering of chimps all holding tickets patiently waiting in line to get in.. as I somehow manage to bluff myself free entry into yet another live gig without even trying :)
to add insult to injury to all the paying customers outside, I'm not even here to see any of the bands playing tonight (VASCO ERA who!!?) as I'm simply here to play a few games of FOOS, sink some cheap pints of piss at the bar and otherwise goof off for a hour or so before killing myself rotton with a double dose of the howling undead in the east end of Adelaide - BRILLIG at THE CLOWN N SPANKA, followed by THE VAMPIRE PROJECT at THE RHINO ROOM.. yup, if this all goes to plan I'll be having more retarded fun than you could poke a proverbial wooden stake at.. YEEEEHA!! :)SWAYBACK
soon enough tho' my crushing defeats on the FOOSBALL tables are rudely interrupted by the first band of the night, SWAYBACK, as they attack the stage in an unrelenting speaker stack killing frenzy..
bringing forth twin gnashing guitars of diabolical face melting fury..
this fuzzy hair-helmet of a freak on bass guitar who spins, churns and dives his demented instrument around the stage like a spastic chicken dance of cascading brown notes..
and this crazy 'ol geezer in the boiler hat, humming up a hillbilly hurricane on the mouth organ whilst a nonstop crunching militant deathmarch on the drums smashes away behind them..
making for a band that could very easily sound like a direct ripoff of JET, except that they DONT SUCK.. ie: remove all the pretensious wankers, kick in a sadistic overdosage of howling adrenaline and grind out all the guitar and bass amps to most ludicrious levels of dB throttling ultraviolence, and that'd be yer monkey :)
so, really.. they're quite a damn impressive bunch of lunatics to witness live as long as you don't mind having your brain blown clean out've your skull whilst all your credit cards get demagnetised from all the howling fury they deliver screaming from the speakerstacks.. YEEEEEEHAAAAAAA!!
with SWAYBACK now finished for the night, I next take what could be considered the most FOOLISH decision of the weekend, by ducking out of JIVE before THE VASCO ERA begin (coz hey, if I'd already seen 'em at JIVE just 3 months ago
why would I need to see them again?), and instead opt to walk all the way down HINDLEY ST, RUNDLE MALL and GRENFELL ST to see BRILLIG playing at THE CRANKA..
(yes, clearly I AM insane for missing THE VASCO ERA and I know this now ;)UNSPOKEN THINGS
I arrived here at 11PM, thinking that according to my roughest guestimate BRILLIG should easily be on stage by now.. but instead I find the band UNSPOKEN THINGS (featuring Adelaide's creepiest looking keyboardist) playing overtime to a small but faithful gathering of dribbling mental patients..
and so I wait here with beer in hand, staring at my watch for the next 1/2 hour.. whilst this 3 piece act churns out a swirlingly incoherant mix of murky drumming, noodling guitars and kaliedoscopic keyboards.. equal mixes swampy blues and brown acid 60's psychedelica..
sounding quite like the warping dementia you'd achieve by attempting to listen to back to back cassette tape mixes of THE DOORS and mid 60's PINK FLOYD (that'd been left melting on the dashboard of your car for far too long) whilst having your head submerged in a fishtank full of clown fish and electric eels..
although clearly my band description here is far from accurate, since all tangible memory of this gig has been effectively erased by this zombie hacking away on the keyboards.. I swear he must be the reincarnated lovechild between SYD BARRET and the mad monk RASPUTIN or some shit.. he's pure EVIL I tells you!!BRILLIG
since it appears that all the bands tonight have run at least 1/2 an hour overtime (with UNSPOKEN THINGS just finishing their set at 11:30PM) BRILLIG now have the unenviable task of having to shrink their entire goth opera into the space of only 20 minutes before the DJ's kick 'em off stage.. hmmmmm.. yup, the keyboardist looks really happy about THAT now doesn't she?
from what I can gather, this entire band here tonight has either been (a) formed by rejected characters from a TIM BURTON movie, (b) assembled by illegal immigrants who defected in the 80's from the EAST BERLIN school of ART / DESIGN / FASHION and VAMPIRE DENTISTRY or (c) created as an artistic tribute to honour the fine works of DR KEVORKIAN.. either way, these peeps spook me the fuck out.. eeeeee!
this band features the sorta nightmarish maudelin violin playing that'd reanimate corpses..
backed by languid funeral marching electro beats, comatose bass and guitars..
and accompanied by the sorta vocals you'd get if you sent a gang of inner city hoodlums from DETROIT to beat the living shit out've ROBERT SMITH from the CURE, before stringing him up like a meatpuppet on a MORPHINE drip and getting him to sing lung punctured covers to PORTISHEAD songs..
and wouldn't ya know it, but I'm all out've silver bullets, sharp sticks and holy water.. so chances are, most've of the audience here will surely be eaten..
but still.. as much as 20 minutes of ANY band can be judged upon.. if you like your music blacker than black and the only sunlight you ever see is those first burning rays of dawn before scurrying off to the saftey of your coffin for the night, then this may be just the kinda party jam you've been looking for.. weeeeeee! :)
anyhoo.. it's now just past midnight and high time I flee THE CRANKA before BRILLIG start feasting on the blood off the innocent.. as I flee to the relative saftey of THE RHINO ROOM (for part 2 of my undead double act) to catch a set by THE VAMPIRE PROJECT.. but, by the time I reach RHINO ROOM.. from the sight of all the littering corpses and the light wilting stench of decay, it appears I've arrived much too late.. as I'm later informed that they already played here much EARLIER at around 10PM.. hmmmmmm, bugger..
and so, for cheap laughs I'm BACK at JIVE.. for more games of increasingly drunken FOOSBALL in the aftermath of what was apparently the most mind blowing, bowel exploding, spleen rupturing gig of full fisted EPIC ROCK PIG FURY ever witnessed in the history of JIVE.. or at least that's wot all YOU lunatics continually reminded me about here for the next hour or so.. baaastards! ;)
after an hour or so on the foos tables, drinking myself stupid and making an utter twat of meself at the dancefloor in JIVE along with EMMA, SALLYCAT and all you other grinning fools.. we then all decide to jump into a waiting TAXI and head down back to THE CRANKA, where the beer fuelled stupidity continues into ever crazier levels of dribbling anarchy to the ends of the night..
spotted amongst the crowd of alcoholics - SAM the doom guitarist from ANGELIK..
DICK DALE from KAMIKAZE making a twit of himself on top of the bar..
and this strangely familiar freak, RICH from TONY FONT SHOW with SALLYCAT here in what would hafta be the MOST disturbingly fucked up drunken photo of the weekend.. BWAAAHAHAHAAHAHA!
yup.. obviously past this point in the night (2AM - 4AM) most of us here are far beyond any sane level of drunk to remember ANYTHING of what the hell it was that we did in here until closing.. so, I'm guessing (as I'm lacking any evidence to the contrary) much fun and dribbling hilarity was had by all (well, all except for perhaps RICH who likely choked on that lit cigarette and died on the way to the hospital.. oops! ;)
finally at about 5AM or so, I somehow miraculously find myself home and one in piece.. *phew*.. thus ending one hilariously fucked up night of beer fueled live music stupidity.. weeee!SATURDAY NIGHT
last night should've killed me, it should've left me a dancing wreckage of misplaced organs splattered from here to the far side of eternity.. and yet, in defiance of all known laws of science and medicine I still find myself once more out on the mean streets of Adelaide doing whatever I can to drastically shorten my lifetime whilst providing fleeting entertainment for the 2-3 idiots who actually regularily read this website..
and as I'm on the way into town tonight, my bus is kidnapped by none other than SEAN KEMP (the drum monkey from BOOSTER) who, being at a total loss as to what to do tonight.. thought he'd see if I was up for doing anything stupid (and it's pretty much a sure bet as long as I'm running THIS fuckarse retarded website, that answer would be an emphatic YES), and so we arrive at the CRANKA at 9PM to begin the night pissing on up with some happy hour pints of beers.. whilst SEAN does his very best to (ever so subtlely) show off his new tattoo he got to the viewing audience here..
"EEEY EVERYBODY!! LOOKS AT MEE TATTOO!! YEAAAAH!! BLOG ME PHOTO SPOZ!! AAUUAAUGHHH!!"
um, yeah.. reaaaal subtle SEAN, reaaaal subtle *ahem* ;)
y'see.. this is the growing peril of running a beer soaked live music website such as this, sooner or later every damn dribbling primate in Adelaide wants to get their mug on this thing and quite frankly it's really getting beyond the point of ridiculous.. ENOUGH ALREADY DAMMIT!!ARTAX MISSION
so before the crowds get too out've control at THE CRANKA, we're off to the first live music destination, with ARTAX MISSION playing a set of their artrock psychedelia down the road at THE EXETER at 10PM..
ARTAX MISSION don't so much play anything as distinctly recogniseable as "SONGS" per se.. at least not "SONGS" by any of OUR mortal understanding.. instead, these are the sorta mischevious fiends who like to channel pure feedbacking screaming NOISE until (a) all manner of UFO's come crashing down in the streets nearby, (b) the walls start resonating a perfect middle octace E, (c) somebody's head explodes (d) all of the above (e) I'm a goldfish! I'm a goldfish! what wuz the question again?
at first glance, having their full throttle wall-of-sound shrieking psychosis stuffed into the tiny front bar of the EXETER may seem like the worst idea ever, or at least it IS until you remember that since it's the EXETER and thus GROUND ZERO for every single dope fiend, recreational brain casualty and uni student wastoid outside of ADELAIDE UNI BAR.. then this is in fact the PERFECT PLACE to be for this shit.. so, before too long, the entire venue is soon humming to the sound of a million killer bees singing middle octave E..
case in point - in the middle of this set, I'm minding my own business, taking photo's, drinking my beer.. when some random dudes come bursting in thru the front door of the EXETER holding aloft what looks like an incredibly sloppy homemade spongecake with pink icing on it..
"EEEEEEY DUUUUUUDE!! YAAAA WANT SOME FREE CAKE!!??"
and silly me, I just accept a piece of it without question.. thankfully tho', since there wasn't any discernable trace of marijuana, asbestos, mouse droppings, weaponised anthrax, urine or rohypnol I'm still alive to tell the tale afterwards.. *phew*.. but seriously, next time any of you idiots out there go offering random cake to strangers.. I'd go easy on the EGGS and BUTTER.. just a tip ;)
yup.. either ARTAX MISSION are the pied pipers of the fuckoff bizarre, or something truly strange is afoot tonight.. either way I can smell something in the air and I'm scared for my life here..MIRRORLINE
anyhoo.. it's now 11PM, ARTAX MISSION have finished at the EXETER, so it's time to switch venues, as we return to the CRANKA for the second band of the night, MIRRORLINE..
aaaaah yes, MIRRORLINE.. if you've ever been wondering as to what would happen if you managed to combined all the howling melodrama of MUSE with the off kilter screaming distortion of NIRVANA and then got FRODO and his HOBBITS to perform it.. then wonder no more.. for THIS is the band for YOU! :)
as has often been documented on this website, it seems that it's always the smallest pygmy size of bands that are producing the most psychotic and teeth gnashing of musical results.. and TOM SPALL and his merry band of murderous midgets here are no exception..
sure they barely played for more than 30 minutes or so, but DAAAAAMN do these HOBBITS rock the FUCK OUT! it's like giving chihuahua's a megaphone wired up to a stadium sized live PA.. hmmm, chances are there's gonna be more than a few fatalities out in the CRANKA tonight :)
speaking of fatalities, it looks like my weird-shit-metre isn't gonna disappoint tonight when these two likely looking freaks ambush me at the front of the stage..
as the poor defenseless fools at the CRANKA witness the arrival of KILLING JOE..
and DEAD SIMONE the dancing corpse..
as they cut a murderous rampage of blood, guts and hacked up limbs throughout the CRANKA (weird, is it just me, or does it look like DEAD SIMONE's enjoying herself a little too much here? yooooo sicko! ;)
as I'm not looking to get killed myself this early in the evening.. I decide to flee the killing fields of the CRANKA for the timebeing, finding refuge at my next venue for the night, HIGHER GROUND at 12AM..
since I mistakenly walked in here thru the back EXIT (ie: by reaching this venue from the side alley next to the EXETER, then following the path down past the ELEPHANT AND WHEELBARROW nearby) I somehow managed to once again bluff my way into yet ANOTHER live venue without paying.. *ooops!* (yeah, they really should have security posted at the exits to STOP this shit shouldn't they.. hahahaha!) oh well, not that it mattered tho', as I had my name on the door anywaze :)
anyhoo.. my reason for being here, is to witness a bizarre music and arts event called "SUPERMEGAFASHION" - featuring all manner of wacky acrobats, circus freaks and performers.. an event which is also being simulcast tonight live via satellite to EDINBUROUGH for THEIR arts festival..
walking into the venue, I spot flamenco dancers out on the main performance stage..
and what looks like a bunch of ZOMBIES (translation: Adelaide's undead punk band LEGLESS) attempting to coordinate a ragtag army of the altogether (non) undead for their music video film shoot..
(yup, my Saturday night really isn't getting any LESS bizarre now is it?)NERVOUS GERBAL
after milling about for 10 minutes or so absorbing all this strangeness, the band I'm here to see, NERVOUS GERBAL.. finally make their appearance on the performance stage..
and since this whole thing is being simulcast to EDINBUROUGH, the place is absolutely crawling with video cameras and wall-sized video projection screens..
which although similar to the same situation I faced at the ENIGMA a few weeks back
with SOFT WHITE MACHINE, is nowhere near as annoying.. as (a) the venue space here is much more spacious, (b) everyone here is sitting down, and (c) all the video cameras (and I'm counting at least 3 of them) are all running around like freerange chickens and thus not propped up on annoying little tripods set to trip me up..
and so, even tho' I'm in no way officially part of the crazy media circus buzzing around the band tonight, it's easy enough to blend in and take a whole bunch of photo's, ducking and weave around all the camera crews.. with none of the audience any the wiser that I've "gatecrashed" this party ;)
as for a sedate sitdown gig such as this, NERVOUS GERBALS are probably the most insane choice in live acts you could possibly pick to transmit 1/2 way across the globe for an arts festival.. as, if you listen carefully enough you'll notice that most of their party jamming lyrical content consist of the following (all too intellectual phrasing) delivered with chipmunk intensity..
"YEAAAAH PUSSY PUSSY!! WE LIKE TO FUCK!! PUSSY PUSSY!! YEAAAAAH!!"
which when backed with the exciteable funk monkey electro grooves of a bunch of perverted lunatics dressed like rejects from THE WIGGLES on acid, makes this the most hilarious sit down "dinner and a show" gig I've ever seen.. as the NERVOUS GERBALS try their best to get this audience to their feet and on the dancefloor..
"YEAAAAH YEAAAH!! PUSSY PUSSY!! HORNY LIKE A SQUIRREL!! WE GOT NUTS!! WOOOOOO!!"
thankfully tho' the audience here finally "GETS IT" so that by the end of their set, most of them have finally gotten out've their seats and are now filling up the dancefloor going beserk for all the video cameras to see as they reduce HIGHER GROUND into a smoking crater of flailing limbs.. and seeing as I was the first idiot out there at the front going beserk, I'd like to take responsibility for starting this party, OOOOYEAH! :)
(although clearly the band might have SOMETHING to do with it..)
it's now about 1AM, and with NERVOUS GERBAL packed away in their boxes with all the other misfit toys.. it's high time I left HIGHER GROUND and returned to the low brow entertainment of THE CRANKA to take stock of any of the survivors still left breathing after JOE and SIMONE's killing frenzy..
THE CRANKA is eerily deserted, with nothing but a littering stench of cold bodies and a foreboding sense of doom filling the air.. or at least it IS in my imagination.. as although it's packed to the gills with all sorts of hooting baboons dancing away to wot'ever retarded trash DJ IAN feels fit to spin tonight.. my fellow travelling serial killers have since departed for the fresh killing fields of SHOTZ down the road.. hmmmmm, guess I should go there too.. somebody's gotta document this insanity ;)
my trip to SHOTZ is cut short however.. as not only do these psychos wanna kill every damn person in the venue, but they also wanna make their eardrums bleed as well.. as KILLING JOE attacks the DJ DECKS with a choice vinyl selection he procured earlier in the evening.. presenting MRS MILLS and her HONKY TONK PARTY JAM.. "OOOO OOOOO BABY!! PASS ME THE BARF BAG, COZ I'M GONNA LET LOOSE ON YA WITH SOOME MAAAD FLAVA MA SHIZZLE! BLIP BLOP BLEEAAARRRKKK!!" *scratch it!* WIKKI WIKKI!!
yup, no one in their right mind should hafta endure that insanity outnumbered, so it's straight back to the CRANKA again for some much needed alcoholic refreshments..
which brings me to THIS SHOT, a diabolical beast they like to call the "JAM DONUT", which for the record is the one drink I'd like to claim solely responsible here for destroying my brain so fiendishly on SATURDAY NIGHT and thus delaying this blog for so long (damn you! you broke my brain you TINY FUCKED UP ALCOHOLIC BEAST!!!).. still, it's sooo very very tasty tho aaaaaah ;)
whilst at the CRANKA, we search the dancefloor far and wide to find lunatics even more criminally disturbed than KILLING JOE and DEAD SIMONE and thus form an army we could use to face off against them..
and seriously, when you see that many loons on a dancefloor all wearing white t-shirts you know they gotta be at least slightly mentally ill (wait, isn't one of those idiots the drummer from ANGELIK? BWAHAHAHAHA!)
along the way we also collect STU the HUMAN REFRIDGERATOR.. sure, he may be totally useless in a knife fight and will probably run screaming like a little girl from the smallest sign of trouble (hahahaha please don't kill me!), but he at least could prove useful as a convenient human shield.. hmmmmmmm..
*oooo shit!* now we're just taking this lunatic search waaay too far.. AAAAUAUAAGGHH FLEEEEE!!
(and to think, the CRANKA used to be such a civilised venue to hang out at *cough*)
and so with our numbers greatly emboldened by our army of reinforcements we now return to SHOTZ to do battle.. as thankfully the music the DJ's are now playing at 3:30AM is nowhere near as shite as the worst of the worst 80's shite they were punishing us with at 2AM..
upon entering, we see DEAD SIMONE getting her groove on near the bar..
whilst her partner in crime, KILLING JOE is making an absolutely slaying on the dancefloor..
the situation is now getting more complicated here as word is getting around that somehow I'M responsible for these psychotic fools, and so before ya know it I'm fielding all sorts of riculous requests from low life's at the bar all asking me if I can do some "garbage disposal" for them..
"psssst.. oi! c'mere! we need ya to OFF our guitarist, can ya like make ze change fer a $20 eeeeee?"
considering we'd already accidently killed their guitarist RICH in a freak "choking incident" late last night, there was nothing more to do about it then dispose of THESE fools as well..
ever the resourceful one, KILLING JOE is already coming up with excuses in his legal defense..
"NOOOO, IT WASN'T MEEEE YER HONOUR!! I swear it wuz the PUPPET, it's all HIS FAULT BWAAAHAHAAHA!!"
clearly things are getting waaaay out of hand here tonight (what with all the killing, the blood letting and the homicidal finger puppets) but thankfully, a solution to all our problems soon appears in the form of this unsuspecting vampire milling about at the bar..
(it's really quite funny how many of your problems can be solved with blood suckers and a spare $20 note ;)
and once more, all of SHOTZ has to be evacuated for the second time this month due to a suspected "GAS LEAK".. yeaah *cough* you ain't fooling NOBODY with that excuse.. it's vampires I tell's ya.. VAMPIRES!!
it's now waaay past 5AM, SHOTZ has since closed and all notions of reality have since broken far beyond repair.. so, there's nothing more to it but to join these mischevious freaks on the floor here at FLOPPY CRAPS on PULTNEY ST as we enjoy a congratulatory feast of unidentified animal bits and miscellaneous gristle in celebration of our grand massacre tonight..
(apparently one of these creatures of the night was even celebrating their "birthday" too.. crazy! ;)
finally with the sun rising slowly over the Adelaide hills.. it's time for all good vampires to run for their lives before the vitamin D burns them to ash.. and for idiots like me to head on home..
and so I stagger blindly down GRENFELL ST, find me a taxi and arrive home at 7AM.. totally barking insane as the walls spin all round me in a kaleidoscope of colours and lull me to sleep.. *phew*.. perhaps they DID slip something psychedelic in that pink cake I ate? WOOOOOOHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
and thus yet another one of my supremely fucked up weekends of live music and drunken stupidity finally comes to a close.. a weekend sooo insane, it could easily beat YOUR weekend up in a fight ;)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Tuesday Night Smashoff