EVERY PLANET WE REACH IS DEAD
some weekends are big, some weekends are small, some weekends are fat bloated corpses that barely fit thru the door.. some weekends scream, some weekends snore, some weekends eat at you like acid and burn holes thru the floor.. some weekends are cheap, some weekends are nasty, some weekends serve up like fried food and fuck you up from your arsehole to your kidneys.. and as you wake in the bathtub full of ice and all the good beers are missing, some weekends have you wondering down which gurgling drain your life is now pissing..
yup.. for all the fun I have doing wot'ever the fuckarse retarded shit it is that I DO every weekend for you guys: for the sake of the Adelaide music scene, for the sake of the photography nerds, the bloggers, the freaks and geeks and for all of you mouse potato's stuck at home glued to your cathodes, plasmas and LCD's waiting each and every monday for your freshly steaming turd of a weekend rant.. I'll more often than not return triumphant with fresh kills and trophy heads of grinning loons under unnatural lights to nail to the walls for all to see and gawp at in awe.. but sometimes, just sometimes.. in that rare blue moon of an event.. comes that one snarling beast of a weekend that wont go down in a fight.. the weekend that fights back.. that one homicidal FUCK of a weekend that makes idiots of us all..
OH YES KIDDIES! this weekend was pure eye-gouging pissing-in-skull-sockets evil.. this weekend was THE BEAAAST!! read on if you dare! coz this shit's gonna FUCK YOOOZ UP!! AAUUUUAUUAUAAGHHH!!FRIDAY NIGHT
my weekend of dribbling stupidity begins here, 7:30PM on HURTLE SQUARE, aka: the "FOREST OF (INCREDIBLY STUPID) DREAMS", not only so I can bear witness to the worst-honking-piece-of-shite public artwork in the city of ADELAIDE.. but also so I can sample the subtle sights and smells of a GREEK restaurant further down the road on HALIFAX ST, which is imaginatively titled "THE GREEK ON HALIFAX"..
yup, clearly the further down south you go in the city of ADELAIDE, the lower the IQ drops..
and obviously I'm here tonight at this fine eating estabilishment to celebrate yet ANOTHER in an long ridiculous line of birthdays that seem the plague the month of AUGUST.. and so, if I haven't already.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY this month to all the following people!! - MC RAMMY, BLOMPUS THE SMURF, STUCKHEAD, BLOGHEAD, LUKE THE WINGNUT, NICK THE DEAD WHITE MACHINE, NOODLEBOX, $2 VODKA SHIRALEE, THE MR WEDNESDAY DRUMMING MIDGET, my cousin KELLY and ME 'OL MAN (and to anyone else I forgot, happy birthday to YOU ALL too!) clearly, if yer not looking to get pregnant anytime too soon I'd seriously avoid any deep dickings in the months of NOVEMBER or DECEMBER.. just a tip ;)
at the GREEK ON HALIFAX much merriment and fine food was had by all..
here I sampled the "SEAFOOD METAXA" (a sublime mix of morton bay bugs, prawns, clams, octopus, calamari, miscellaneous fish bits and other such rubbish.. flame grilled in brandy, served on a bed of rice, finished with a smooth white cheesy sauce and topped with these 2 thin breadstick thingies (which I used as chopsticks for cheap laughs).. and sure it may look god awful, but DAMN wuz it tasty :)
this was all washed down with a particularly none-too-shite greek brewed beer.. MYTHOS (which perfectly complimented the fine seafood flavours in a way that beer clearly never SHOULD.. eeek!)
3 1/2 hours later.. with a fine meal had by all.. I bid farewell to my fellow dining compatriates as they all decide to take the sensible option tonight and fuckoff home (HA!) instead of partying on.. leaving me to seek further misadventures at the CRANKA, as I follow PULTENEY ST up north..
passing by this wacky mechanical entity along the way.. resisting any and all urges to tweak it's wingnut nipples (lest it kill me in some kinda unholy robot uprising of the future) eeeee!KING DADDY
arriving at the CRANKA just in time to see those idiots KING DADDY up on stage.. woooo, look at NAZZ the exciteable stick insect go.. YEAH ROCK! NAZZ YOU SKINNYARSE FUKKA!! WOOOOOO!!! :)
it soon came apparent tho', that the CRANKA was the last place I should've been tonight..
as since I'd only drunk that ONE beer at the restaurant, I'd made the horrible mistake of entering this place SOBER when the entire venue around me was filled in a sea of howling drunks..
coz y'see.. if I wuz drunk right now with the rest of the usual baboons here, KING DADDY and their peculiar NICK CAVE / BIRTHDAY PARTY / TOM WAITS brand of sweaty blues and alcohol drenched leering rock swagger would be just the SHIT to fire me up into a retarded frenzy..
but since I wuz dead sober in a room full of drunken strangers.. I wanted nothing more than to kill every last dribbling mutha fucker in the room who'd dare look at me wrong..
dammit.. is that DRUMMER giving me attitude!?? GRRRRRRRRRR! DIE YOU FUKKA DIIIIE!!!
matters were made even more hilarious at front of stage, where as is always the peril of standing to close to the action.. I constantly had to dodge the lead singer NAZZ.. as the deranged crap weasel thought it'd be hilarious to chase me around in numerous failed attempts to (a) lick my ears, (b) go the tongue, (c) you really don't wanna know..
yup, wot can I say.. the dude's a freaking animal! tread with caution kiddies ;)
(mental note: avoid any KING DADDY gigs in NOVEMBER / DECEMBER.. ahahahaha! *cough*)
hmmmm.. now suitably weirded out beyond all measure by this circus of the bizzare.. I next spot the arrival of the ever comical JOE BLOGS and one of his work colleagues in the most swirlingly incoherant of intoxicant moods (as they'd just recently left one of them "FREE PISS" work parties up the road)
obviously.. as sober as I was and as murderous as I was.. there was NO way in hell I could put up with ANY of this malarky (even if it was hilarious to see all you freaks cut it up on the dancefloor)
and so, an hour or two past midnight.. I'm on the next bus the fuck out've here, before this comical nonsense drives me to do something truly stupid.. *phew!* :)SATURDAY NIGHT
it took considerable effort to drag myself out've the house tonight.. and yet, clearly I needed to provide something silly for this website (the things I DO for you ungrateful slobs.. HA!), and so.. after much deliberating over wot the FUCK I wuz to do tonight.. at about 10PM, I finally crawl my weary carcass out've the house, onto the bus.. and into the city to see what madness was in store for me..
apparently I wasn't the only person having a hard time of it tonight.. as walking into the CRANKA (fuck, where else? hahaha) I spot BEARDY from REALIST FEW passed out on the couches.. this came as quite a shock.. as for all these years I could've sworn those couches were BLACK..
(heh, guess ya learn something new every day, aye? ;)BACKSEAT ROMEO'S
on stage.. I spot BACKSEAT ROMEO's in the middle of their live set..
blasting what sounds like a car accident set to an over stretched cassette tape screeching out've a cheaparse BOOM BOX.. equal bits leering punk, pub-rock, and wot'ever the fuck else..
there was actually meant to be 2 guitarists playing tonight.. but since one of the amplifiers had exploded mere moments ago.. this dude on the right of the stage (stage left) had to make do with a beer bottle for company instead.. YEEEEHAAA!!
for all 20 or so minutes that I saw.. I heard maybe 2 songs playing for 2-3 minutes each, which was then seperated by long awkward pauses that dragged for 5-10 minutes or more.. whilst band members looked at each other all confused wondering what the fuck to do next.. still.. you should've seen this guitarist do his shit up there.. FUCK could he tear his instrument up like NOBODY's business! shredding it over his head, swinging it this way and that and clawing at it like a meth addict trying to rip his own arm off.. ooooh maaaan wuz it some seriously badass shit.. YEAAAH!! WOOOOOO!! ;)
after BACKSEAT ROMEO's 2nd song.. and realising their "awkward pause between songs" was actually "the END of their set" I went for an aimless wander thru the venue to find things to amuse myself.. arriving upstairs just in time to witness the CRANKA PUNK MANNEQUIN getting her nipples tweaked.. aaaaaaah :)
it was here that I bumped into a few familiar drunks (HI SARA!), as I watched this unnamed (yet strangely familiar) lunatic do his flailing drunken dance to the DJs spinning in the upstairs bar room (hmmmm, not to name any names.. but I wonder if there were any ill effects from that head injury he inflicted upon himself LAST friday? *cough* BWAAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!)UNPAID DEBT
dropping back downstairs I see the next band up on stage, UNPAID DEBT from SYDNEY..
thrashing out some dirty ass-fucked up SCREAMO PUNK sounding noise..
just think VANS WARPED TOUR, or that weak as piss EMO shit you'd see MTV attempt to package as "ROCK" these days.. with all the fuckarse wallet chains and facial piercings and you wouldn't be far off from the sound of this band tonight..
I'm totally not getting wot'ever the fuck they're dishing up tonight.. but hey, if the percussion monkey here is borrowing REALIST FEW's drumkit for the night, they can't be THAT bad riiiiight? (ok I admit, if yer INTO this kinda music.. and obviously I'm not.. they're actually pretty decent at wot they do.. *ahem*)
fuckit.. lest I get too carried away with trashing yet ANOTHER live band this weekend (please dont kill me.. ahahahahaha) I think I'll leave it at that.. coz.. I'm like, fuckin' outta here duuude!
as now I'm off to see DJ DEXTER (from the AVALANCHES) play his funk monkey badass wikki wikki shit at the ROCKET BAR instead.. NYAAAAAAH!!
ok.. obviously yer wondering why I just wasted the last few hours at the CRANKA.. but, y'see.. as we all know.. if there's a DJ playing, nobody in their right mind ever enters the venue before midnight.. so, I needed a few hours to kill first (in familiar surroundings).. and now with time sufficiently murdered, it's 12:30AM, and beyond time that I should be making my way down to the ROCKET..
upon arrival (cheers for the lift WOKKA n HEIDI!) I find that the venue is packed to stinking point, spending the next 10-15 minutes waiting in line before I can enter..DJ DEXTER (THE AVALANCHES)
ROCKET BAR is pumpin', people are piled all the way upto the ceiling and packed on top of each other doing fuck know's wot, forming a sea of arms and legs hooting in appreciation and funking up a storm.. but, as much as the music is ROCKING in here (and it really is.. shit DAMN!) I can't freaking move in here without violating the GENEVA CONVENTION..
hmmmmm.. I was going to meet a few people here.. but it turns out I missed the first one of them as she got a little too "FLOPPY" on badly mixed drinks and had to go home.. I missed the 2nd one as he was delayed at a house party and would've arrived much too late.. and missed the 3rd and 4th as one lost his voice and fell ill and the other was far too exhausted to carry on the party.. *phew*..
so wot the FUCK am I still doing here!??
yup, obviously this was gonna be one of THOSE weekends.. as reports were also circulating that SHOTZ (that ever infamous "port of last call") had to be shut down earlier in the evening, as either (a) the women's toilets and the beer garden had become flooded in sewerage, (b) a burst gas pipe was leaking fumes everywhere.. or more likely, (c) it was neither of these and the SHOTZ bar staff were merely covering up for a particularly nasty vampire attack (pfffft "GAS LEAK", you ain't fooling nobody!)
and so, surviving barely 1/2 an hour in this baboon cage before the madness outnumbers me.. I give my due respects to the DJ, "OI DEXTER YA RAT BASTARD!! GET SOME FUNK UP YA!!" and I'm off again into the swirling stench of HINDLEY ST..
and it's back to the CRANKA, meeting up once more with my fellow creatures of the night..
(crazed animals and barely domesticated house pets alike ;)
as I down a few pints of piss with these likely looking fools.. *cough*..
OI! ONE METRE AWAY FROM THE BAR YOU CARCINOGENIC FREAKS!!
yes indeed.. this weekend has been as much of a write-off as these dudes look written-off..
and before gonzo DAVE gets too rowdy and claims too many victims here tonight.. AAUAUAGHHH!!
it's about time I pack it in, and get the fuck out of here..
so it's the last $6 bus at 3:30AM and I'm gone the way of the DODO.. goodbye and GOODNIGHT!
and there you have it children.. it's a rare thing for me to witness.. but this was indeed the most badly malformed fucked up alien foetus of a weekend I've witnessed in a long time.. and yet in it's own way it still managed to be mildy amusing at the end of it all (hmmmmmm.. it always helps to be thankful for wot rarefied stinkiness and cheerful lunatics ya can dig up times like these I guess, aye? ;)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: I Predict A Riot