MR SELF DESTRUCT
hiya kids! and welcome to another psychedelic mind melting, liver destroying and spleen imploding weekend edition of SPOZ's RANT.. as we once more take you kicking and screaming down a rollercoaster journey into the regurgitant belly of the flatulent beast.. featuring a resplendent selection of the most exotic (seedy) locations and finest live (cheap) entertainment this city of Adelaide has to offer and all the while aided by a host of colourful characters and d-list celebrities (ie: the people I regularily choose to drink beer with but who for the life of me can never remember the names of) we bring you in pupil dilating terror all the insanity of weekend's past that your beer soaked brain would otherwise chose to forget (and by the looks of it for damn good reasons too!)
as always, this weekend edition is a culmination of over 16 hours of maddening work, written and published worldwide barely 24 hours after the last beer glass has shattered onto the dancefloor and is created in collaboration with the last 12 remaining braincells in SPOZ's head still able to construct a simple sentence this late on a Sunday night (seriously, just YOU try writing this shit each and every week on a blinding hangover.. eeeeeesh!) and sure I know it ain't pretty work but some retarded fool out there's gotta do it each and every week.. so, fukkit.. it might as well be me ;)
so.. join me if you dare..
as, like glands destroyed thru a beerglass..
we bring you, these daze of our lives..
as is typical of our local live music scene during the colder months, it looks as if every freaking band promoter in Adelaide has booked just the one night out this weekend to cram all their entertainment into, the SATURDAY night, thus leaving our FRIDAY night on the piss a veritable tumbleweed convention by comparison.. so, in flicking through the street press, I spot the ONE live music option available tonight - the "RALPH WIGGUM ALLSTAR BAND" (aka: THE TRAFALGARS) playing at the CRANKA.. gag in horror.. and opt for my fail-safe emergancy plan instead..
the fail-safe plan is simple - when there's no live bands on (or *cough* worth seeing), simply waste a few hours in the cinema (8:30 to 9:30PM start) absorbing some of HOLLYWOOD's finest blockbuster retardation (which is made all the more entertaining now that its "summer season" in the USA), stumble outside somewhere around the 11PM mark all suitably entertained and braindead.. look up some of your friends who've been wasting the night away getting cheerfully shitfaced instead.. arrive sober just when they're hitting their peak and then spend the rest of the night doing your best to catch up.. much self destruction and festive hijinx guarenteed!
my choice of film tonight is MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3.. my verdict? much superior to both the 1st and ESPECIALLY the 2nd films.. action packed, intelligent, full of well drawn characters, yet cheerfully and mindlessly entertaining.. just the thing to switch yer brain off and enjoy, without feeling guilty about it afterwards (even if it DOES have a moron like TOM CRUISE in it) I give it 4 out've 5.. go see it!
stepping out've the cinema, I wander over to the CRANKA.. I know I've already missed the TRAFALGAR's set (phew!) and some band called THE GEAR is now on stage, but I decide to skip the bands altogether and just head straight for the beer..
as I'm sinking the first few pints of piss.. I roam about catching up with a selection of chimps the pub has "prepared earlier" for my amusement.. I should also note for the record that many of these photo's tonight were taken by the "work experience kid" and not me.. hence my own uglyarse mug makes waaay too much of an appearance (yup, time for all you guys to get yer own back.. bwaaahahahahaha!)
so, here I am with Adelaide's NO#1 death metal screaming lunatic TONY and some other gonzo giving the devil fingers who's name I've since forgotten..
me, some freak who's name I really should know and CHELSEA (who's name I'm not meant to mention in this blog, coz it apparently makes her cranky.. ahahaha)
me.. and some random hairy twit we mugged for a photo opportunity..
me.. and that infamous midget bouncer chick at the CRANKA that kinda looks like a ferret.. yeah, she rocks.. but I also can't remember her damn name.. which really, should be more of a problem if I didn't just happen to call 90% of the people I know "dude" to cover up for it.. ;)
now, I wonder.. how many of you pisshead photographers out there have ever encountered THIS problem?
here you are attempting to take a happy snap of a bunch of funtime party girls - AMY, SALLYCAT and (one who prefers not be named in my blogs) when some idiot like THIS jumps into the frame at the last second to ruin the shot..
lets for sake of argument call him "JIMMY"..
here he goes ruining my first shot..
shit.. there he goes again..
annoying isn't it?
but not if you try our nifty little solution..
*oops!* there goes his drink..
problem solved! :)
(note: this trick may only work on JIMMY the bartender, your results may vary..)
by this point of the night.. I've now caught up with everyone else's level of drinking and am quite rapidly overtaking them.. hmmmmm.. scary..
SALLYCAT looks concerned for the saftey of the public.. can they handle an out've control SPOZ?
uh oh.. there goes that crazy look in his eyes..
since I've obviously lost my OWN brain.. I'm now compelled to go on a rampage in search of other people's brain's to feast on.. so, finding MATT from TONY FONT SHOW.. I lunge in for the attack..
MATT doesn't look happy..
SPOZ now looks frightened for his OWN saftey..
the rest of the drunks however are finding it hilarious.. either that, or this is a photo of AMY feasting on W SHANE's brain (looks just like a burger ring too.. hmmmm.. disturbing.. and yet, considering W SHANE.. makes perfect sense..)
SPOZ far beyond stupid, now flees the scene, kidnapping LEE as a hostage..
and yup, just like every other night out.. the CROWN N ANCHOR soon dissolves into a spiraling mess of brain eating and flailing alcoholism.. aaaah, good to know some things never change around here.. :)
escaping the ensuing chaos we find refuge at HUNGRY JACKS.. coz obviously, no one with half a brain ever frequents here at this time of night, so we'll blend right in!
SALLYCAT attempts to figure out the philosophical ramifications of it all.. but goes a total blank instead when she sees the menu "wooo.. french fries!"
TONY doesn't look amused..
far beyond stupid.. and very much frightened by TONY trying to read our minds with his wacky mental telepathy.. we then all flee the scene in different directions, heading to our respective holes in the ground to escape consciousness..
thus ending a very messy and somewhat confusing night out on the town..SATURDAY NIGHT
somehow I awoke today more or less intact.. somehow once again escaping the hangover, which is likely delayed in transit to join forces with tonight's hangover to hit me full force with a brain destroying fog on Sunday night just as I attempt to write this ere blog (yeah, isn't it always the way) anyhoo.. everything's on tonight and so I'm spoilt for choice.. word is END OF FASHION's playing THE GOV, MATCHBOOK ROMANCE from the USA is playing at ADELAIDE UNI BAR, ESKIMO JOE's playing at FOWLERS LIVE..
but hey, they'd probably all sold out by now.. so fukkit.. my choice for tonight is already made, with a strategy to hit two gigs at once - with SEXUAL DAD, BOOSTER and DAIRY BROTHERS playing at JIVE, whilst next door we have ANGELIK playing at ENIGMA BAR..SEXUAL DAD
so.. here I am at JIVE.. for the first band of the night with the insane name of SEXUAL DAD..
with seemingly no setlist, no structure, no rehearsals and not a damn freaking clue amongst the lot of 'em.. these chugging AC/DC sounding rock primates launched into their first (and only actual song) "SEAN KEMP HATES OUR BAND" before erupting into wot amounted to a 1/2 hour full throttle chaotic jam session of howling nonsense, squealing and gnashing guitars, chainsaw bass riffs and machine gunning drums all driven so freakingly volatile into our eardrums.. it'd even send nuns, school principals and senior citizens to make howling alcoholics of themselves on the dancefloor..
now many of you regulars out there may be wondering who the fuck these idiots are and why they'd be worth mentioning.. but y'see, behind all their carnival masks and silly clown wig disguises, these guys were actually a once-off lunatic free-for-all supergroup formed between the insane beer fueled AC/DC rock of HIGH STAKES (from SYDNEY) and the hair metal cheese of the DAIRY BROTHERS..
although most of the set wuz utter chaos.. some of the finer lyrical highlights, included one particularly heartfelt tender love song.. which went along the lines of..
"OOOOO BAAAABY.. WHEN I FUCKED YOU, YOU GAVE ME A DISEAAAASE.. NOW IT BURNS WHEN I PEEEE.. YOUR LOVES MAKE ME PISS WITH BLOOD.. OOOOOOOOWAAAAUUUUWAAAAUUU WHOAAAAAAA.."
yup.. you couldn't possibly plan for beer fueled hard rocking chaos as freakingly brilliant as this.. although it wuz all apparently random and thought up on the spot.. it sounded like a precision killing instrument of high-octane fury.. a damn near unstoppable juggernaut force.. and it freakin' annihilated the damn joint..
(yup, you dudes may've been complete idiots.. but DAMN YOU ROCKED! WOOOOO!! :)BOOSTER
although SEXUAL DAD may've proved to be a damn hard act to follow.. BOOSTER were more than willing to accept the challenge, as they next took to the stage..
now usually these guys have been known in the past to ape the sounds of the finest hair metal disasters.. everything from THIN LIZZY, DEEP PURPLE, OZZY OSBOURNE to the premium cheese of THE DARKNESS.. chugging out their dinosaur riffs, wailing guitar solos, bong loading basslines, deathmarch drums, screaming falsetto harmonies and the like.. all insanely good brain destroying carnage in their own right.. if that's yer thing..
but now with the recent addition of bass player JOSH, they've been adding all sorts of influences from Californian chugging stoner metal in the vein of QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE, KYUSS and the like.. making for a much meatier and brutal sound..
it also helps that SEAN's been practicing all his crazy human lightening rod moves..
coz nothing's more rock than pointing at people with them crazy devil horns..
"YEAH!! FEEEL THE WRATH OF MY POINTY FINGER OF DOOM.. NNNNGGGGYAAAAH!!"
meanwhile, guitarist CRAIG is lost in a world of his own.. noodling out crazy wailing guitar solos in multi dimensional frequencies that only he can understand..
JOSH finds the brown note, and almost stains it..
SEAN ATTEMPTS to beat himself a howling rift in the space-time continuum..
now that all the nuns, school principals and senior citizens (who had been previously burning a hole in the dancefloor to SEXUAL DAD) have been carted off by the paramedics.. BOOSTER are now joined by the lead singer of the DAIRY BROTHERS to finish off the set..
making for a crazed falsetto finale harmony so crazy and high pitched, car alarms were seen firing off in unison in a 5km radius.. ouch..
SEXUAL DAD may've played on insane set, but BOOSTER met their impossible challenge and proved themselves the GODS OF ROCK at JIVE tonight..
(hmmm.. yup, be afraid.. be very afraid.. SEAN's on a rampage tonight!)
with our skulls ringing from the first two bands we thought we'd give our ears a much needed break before we bore witness to wot'ever unholy fury the final and 3rd band DAIRY BROTHERS had in store for us and went next door to see ANGELIK at ENIGMA BAR instead..ANGELIK
now it'd been a while since I'd last seen ANGELIK play (not since august 2004 when they last played FOWLERS according to my recollection) so I didn't know quite wot to expect from their "comeback gig".. but, after getting our brains splattered against the walls from the fury of the last two acts at JIVE, arriving upstairs in ENIGMA BAR we discovered there was no rest for the wicked as these guys near about killed every remaining mutha fukka in the room..
for those of you unfamiliar with ANGELIK - imagine if you will, a full-throttle hard rocking dirty pub rock band (with just a psychotic tinge of distorted punk energy) being fronted by a pissed off brunette version of GWEN STEFANI wailing in crazy "OOOH AAAH WHOA WHOA" refrains whilst apocalpytic hammering doom rock fury comes crashing about your ears in waves whipped up into a high speed frenzy..
so, featuring in our public execution tonight.. we have SAM, the doom guitarist..
two new member, NICK PARKER fuzzing up a distorted bowel churn on the bass.. and NICK HADLEY hidden away at the back on drums (perhaps they're both evil twins seperated a birth.. who knows?)
and of course, the notorious lead singer LAKEN..
she's most reknown (besides her crazyarse singing style) for her hip swaying lapdancer moves on stage..
hmmmmm.. *ahem*.. now where wuz I?
oh, and for extra amusement.. here she is flapping her arms about like a hummingbird smack addict.. wooo, hypnotic!
meanwhile, SAM the doom guitarist is conjuring up the sorta voodoo spirits of blood curdling ju-ju that'd make drummer PHIL from TONY FONT SHOW run screaming for the hills..
LAKEN sucks all the available oxygen out've the air and turns blue..
yup.. there's definitely something evil afoot here as SAM continues conjuring the foul spirits of the beyond.. waaait.. *sniff* do I smell something burning?
likely symptoms to look out for include erratic sunspot activity, hallucinations of tiny red leprecauns trying to steal your teeth, itchy scalp, fire breathing from strange orifices and explosive tinitus.. I think people are speaking tongues at this point.. spinning heads and projectile vomiting any minute now..
LAKEN bursts into flames and spontaneously combusts..
and just moments before I black out and millions of red leprecauns eat my soul.. I witness NICK PARKER hitting a polyrhythmic bowel churning frequency.. as he phases out've our plane of reality.. damn.. somebody's gotta teach me that trick sometime..
yup.. it got just a little bit weird near the end there.. and I might need to buy myself a pregnancy kit just in case I'm gonna give birth to a litter of fire breathing lizards from out've me arse or burst an alien foetus out've my stomach in the next few days or some shit.. but, whoaaa.. WOT A FUCKING INSANE GIG THAT WUZ!!
welcome back ANGELIK you freaking psychotic devil worshipping minions of ROCK!! it's been too freakin' long aye? my and the many voices in my head salute you!! ;)
anyhoo.. after 3 bands of that mind destroying calibre.. I knew there wuz only one thing for it.. and that was to utterly kill myself with beer for the rest of the night in homage to such ear bleeding insanity..
and so.. I proceeded to the CRANKA.. where my memory goes a little hazy in a steaming pile on the dancefloor drinking like a fish..
and then to SHOTS.. where all memory is lost..
for as they say.. "what happens at SHOTS, I sure hope as fuck STAYS at SHOTS"..
or to rephrase it, "never again will I be as drunk as that time a year ago when I wuz fucked up retarded and stupid enough to pimp dance to a JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE song after 12-13 beers yeeaaarrghhh!!" (yes kiddies.. never again should I revisit that horror, no matter how many times those girls try and drag me BACK onto the dancefloor!) *ahem*.. less I say about that the better methinks.. at least I didn't attempt that again THIS night.. or things could've got reaaaally messy ;)
anyhoo.. at about 5AM or so.. I vaguely remember ending up at HUNGRY JACKS on Pultney St (or as I drunkenly referred to it at the time as "FLUNGRY SPLACKS") for an inebriated BACON CHEESE AND MUSHROOM BACON HAPPY MEAL (of all the horrors), before finally piling into a taxi, arriving home sometime shy of 6AM.. where smiling unconsciousness and a spinning room greeted me with open arms..
phew.. and that's all kiddies for this week's misadventures!
who knows wot SPOZ will come up with next?
stay tuned.. same SPOZ time, same SPOZ channel
as we provide you with yet more grinning stupidity!
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Black Fingernails Red Wine