BLACK FINGERNAILS RED WINE
sometimes it makes me wonder how freaks like IGGY POP managed to do it - as each and every week and weekend throughout their extensive musical careers of willful self destruction; they'll do enough xmas-tree loads of blinking pharmeceuticals, cocaine, heroin, military grade marijuana, uppers, downers, head spinners, horse tranquilisers and high octane rocket-fuel to reignite the sun five times over and yet put mere mortals like us into a coma six km's deeper than any tasmanian excavation crew could ever save us from.. they'll be running around the world in their twilight years like gleefully retarded children, setting fire to cars, fucking up hotel rooms and throwing tv sets out've windows, doing themselves all matter of self injury and spawning multiple generations of illegitimate children with incomprensibly stupid names with one night stands from latin american countries, whilst the rest of us in our old age would be lucky enough to survive a 5th hipbone replacement after another unfortunate "incident" in our bathtub..
and SURE they'll claim it's all TAI-CHI / YOGA / MACROBIOTIC / VEGAN / BUDDHIST or KABBALA crap that's keeping them healthy.. but we know better.. we know they're full of shit.. you can't explain away with new age crap why PRINCE, MADONNA or BOWIE haven't seemed to've aged a day in 10 years.. or why PETE DOHERTY is still alive.. or why nothing seems to kill KEITH RICHARDS.. they KNOW something maaaaaan.. and if only we KNEW wot they knew - with a little bit of column A and column B (and a little bit of moderation to compensate for their freakyarse genetics) we too could live like screaming car-crashes doing backwards somersaults well into our 100's..
but until that secret is known, I've gotta settle for being just a man.. a mere mortal.. a lesser acolyte of the gonzo.. somebody who is actually bound by the laws of thermodynamics.. so every once and while.. I'll actually take it "EASY" on a weekend, take a break and kick back a little (lest my head shatter like MICHAEL JACKSON's face on concrete) waiting for that day, when I TOO will know the secret.. so I TOO can snort a line of ants like OZZY OSBOURNE and still live to tell the tale..
so this then, is my idea of an "EASY GOING" weekend.. it may still be a little too much for some of you kiddies out there to handle.. but for me, it was just the ticket to recharge the batteries and bring me back to speed.. so I could live and die another day of cheerful hedonistic excess..
so.. take off your shoes and socks.. light some breadsticks.. turn the lights down low.. and dive on in to SPOZ's weekend recovery lounge.. weeeeee! :)FRIDAY NIGHT
tonight we are here at the CRANKA.. about 10-15 minutes shy of the end of happy hour and looking to soak up beers like purple liquid into chalk.. to witness THE BLACK DOVES near about destroy themselves on stage for our amusement..
but, obviously the night didn't start here.. as a little bit earlier at 8PM I found myself first at THE WORLDSEND, and then at JIVE for $3 beers playing games of FOOZ.. I lost a few games in utter humiliation.. I won a few games in overblown glory.. but the less said about it the better.. so, fukkit.. here we are at the CRANKA..THE BLACK DOVES
THE BLACK DOVES had 2 support bands playing before them tonight, but I couldn't be arsed mentioning them one way or another (or take any photo's as I wuz much more busy getting drunk at the time) perhaps they were really good? perhaps they were utter shite? who knows? (not me.. coz I didn't see 'em.. ahahaha!).. but anyhoo..
now most of you guys would be already familiar with THE BLACK DOVES, either from (a) countless photo's / reviews I've written about 'em here from their previous gigs, (b) from when they were once known in the ADELAIDE SCENE as BARCODE, or (c) you once shared the same rec room in the asylum with SCOTTY the guitarist.. yeah, that's SCOTTY right there.. HI SCOTTY! have the meds kicked in yet?
(hmmmmm.. perhaps I shouldnt've swapped his red pills for blue ones tonight)
for those of you not familiar.. imagine these guys sounding somewhat like equal measures ATARI TEENAGE RIOT vs DEPECHE MODE and you wouldn't be far off.. or as one dude infamously described them - "duuuude.. they're like NINE INCH NAILS for $5"..
so obviously.. they're a fun time, free-wheeling hippie band.. preaching fuzzy-wuzzy togetherness and kinship with the many colourful all singing and dancing animals, trees and gossamer winged fluttering butterflies of the world..
aaaah.. you can just about feeeel the radiating love from MARIO and KATE's singing here can't ya? just imagine if they had their own children's tv show.. gosh golly darn spiffy n shit :)
and here's CHRIS the extra cuddly bass player.. he's just like the love child between HUMPHREY B BEAR and SATAN.. look at him play.. weeeeee!
(oh yeah.. they're gonna kill me now for sure.. aahahahaahahaha!!!)
anyhoo.. back to reality.. the BLACK DOVES capped off their brilliant goth screaming, gnashing and stabbing metronomic orchestra of pain tonight.. with this nifty little cover of "MAD WORLD" with MARIO on vox and CHRIS on bass.. it's a song originally written by TEARS FOR FEARS back in the 80's but more recently and famously covered by GARY JULES (for the DONNIE DARKO soundtrack) and yeah.. this wuz some seriously fucken cool shit.. almost made me wanna go throw myself off a bridge.. respect :)
so.. with our eardrums sufficiently blown clear across state-borders.. we ducked out about 10 minutes before the end of the BLACK DOVES' set.. to catch the second band of the night, SOFT WHITE MACHINE playing at the JADE MONKEY..
upon arrival.. I take a moment to pay homage to the psychedelic array of weird glowing bottles at the bar (I think the 3rd bottle from the left contains ACTUAL pigs blood.. wooo!)SOFT WHITE MACHINE
here we are greeted with SOFT WHITE MACHINE cranking out their signature mix of howling swing-beat doom rock (equal parts A PERFECT CIRCLE and FRANZ FERDINAND)
and it all feels a little bit like deja-vu tonight, coz I could've sworn I'd seen these guys play here just 2 weeks ago.. hmmmmm, perhaps it's all just in my head and I'm going slowly insane here.. yay!
(now if only they didn't swap their clothes from last time.. I could've just fobbed off a bunch of photos from the previous gig and NO-ONE would be any the wiser.. AAAHAHAHAHAHHA!! *ooops* shit.. perhaps I've gone and said too much!)
anyhoo.. as I've come to expect from monkeys of this supreme calibre.. they once again deliver me an absolute skull splitting performance in rhythmic riff-chugging harmonic fury.. rock! :)
here's JETT throttling the sub sonic bass frequencies..
KARL and ANDREAS on guitars swooping around like low flying birds..
ANDREAS attempting to telepathically scam free beer from ZACH the psychic bartender..
and here's one of those really trippyarse arty photo's that makes me look all exclusive n shit like I snuck back stage to take it.. till you realise that there IS no backstage at the JADE MONKEY and I just pissed around the side to take it instead (hahaha.. sheesh.. yeah.. way to spoil the illusion eh?)
yeah.. kickarse set dudes.. and if you haven't seen these chimps play yet.. by all means do (I think they're playing JUNE 9th at JIVE) they're like one of ADELAIDE's finest upcoming bands.. so go see 'em now, before they like run away to MELBOURNE like every other band around here :P
anywaze.. with the bands over for tonight.. and my brain far beyond retarded.. I spend the next few minutes staggering blindly drunk down the side alleys near the JADE MONKEY talking shit with various people.. till I finally return to my senses and make my way back to the CRANKA for more beer fueled stupidity..
most of wot follows next for the rest of the night from 1AM to 3AM is a hazy brain destroying memory.. mostly spent running around upstairs and downstairs.. consuming beers.. flailing around on the CRANKA dancefloor in what amounts to the usual FRIDAY NIGHT of grinning stupidity..
I somehow manage to get out of there surprisingly early and find a bus home at 4AM..
thus ending a more or less crazy, yet lo-fi adventure out on the town.. :)SATURDAY
I wake up today in a fog.. only a few dull blinking diodes still left running in my skull.. the hamster was asleep.. the fire had gone out and I wuz running on the last legs of my auxiliary power.. I know I really shouldnt've left the house tonight.. but, quite clearly.. it would've been madness if I stayed home.. especially when there wuz mischief afoot and it was upto ME to report on it ;)
so at about 10PM or so.. we find ourselves at HIGHER GROUND, a venue off RUNDLE ST in what wuz formerly the old IMAX CINEMA (now converted into some kinda wackyarse THEATRICAL / ART SPACE), for the feature entertainment of the night, a spikey set by those electro funk muppets, MUNCHKIN (aka: the infamous "GNOMES")
now I wuzn't expecting much of this venue after briefly visiting it during the FRINGE this year (check near the top of the FEBRUARY ARCHIVES
) but with all the spiffy lighting rigs they had set up for tonight gig's it wuz all starting to look pretty damn spiffy..MUNCHKIN
so, at about 11PM, after about a 1/2 hour or so absorbing the stoner surrounds and with the place slowly filling with scarf wearing culture vultures and scruffy intellectist coffee shop socialists.. MUNCHKIN then charged onto the stage like exciteable ferrets to ambush the unsuspecting audience..
here we have KALIAH.. making do with a series of hand gestures to get her message across tonight, since her brilliantly executed powerpoint presentation of hilarious SESAME STREET porn had broken down earlier in the evening (coz, really.. how else do you explain the projector screen?)
here's bass player GEDDY, hypnotised by all the coffee and red wine stains on the floor in front of him..
guitarist DALE looks equally confused..
"duuude.. that one looks TOTALLY like my foot.. no wait, that IS my foot.. whoaaa.. duuude.. hahahaha.. I'm totally freakin' waaasted! weeeeeeeeee!"
(note: transcript of DALE's thought's may be fictionalised.. although, quite likely not)
KALIAH's got the blues coz SPOZ made a really obvious joke about this photo and really should've done better (cool photo tho'.. ya gotta give me that credit for that :)
GEDDY bringing us his trademark "robot chicken" vocals (coz, yay vocoder fx roool!)
KALIAH's quite happily patting imaginery dogs, whilst audience begins to suspect she's been dabbling in DALE's hidden drug stash..
all in all tho'.. a seriously funked out set of spikey beats, hammering 80's style synths, funk monkey guitars and bass and KALIAH's soaring and ethereally sublime singing about.. um.. wot'ever the hell it is that she's actually singing about.. actually, come to think of it, she could sing about carpet samples and it'd still sound cool ;)
but wait.. that's not all.. as the stage is soon hijacked on the encore by STUCKEY (aka: KOPY1 / ALI G's stunt double / that drunk guy in the background of too many SPOZ's RANT photo's) invading the stage for a demented free for all hiphop jam mashup performance..
(I could distinctly remember KALIAH singing "it just happened" over and over at the time.. hehehe)
umm.. yup, I could comment here (with a million bad jokes coming to mind) but I wont.. so, feel free to add your OWN caption..
and remember kids.. just say NO to drugs.. mmmmkay?
with the gig now stretching 1/2 hour beyond it's original setlist, with encore after encore feeding the growing crowd of hooting chimps on the dancefloor.. the whole thing soon dissolves into a free-range chicken electro boogie jam.. sounding equal parts like MOLOKO on acid and a game of PONG.. but still damn freaking cool all the same (especially after they dragged that loon STUCKEY off stage)
with the gig now finished.. we then shuffled out've HIGHER GROUND, and wandered next door to the EXETER for furthering stupidity..
where there's stupidity.. there's always beer.. aaaah beeer :)
with DALE's happy drugs now wearing off.. KALIAH looks sad.. awwwww :(
but.. after much consumption of idiotic high-octane lemon fueled alcohol..
now KALIAH looks happy.. weeeeeeeee :)
(thus making for this weekend's cutest photo's and also the most disturbingly drunken)
more beers and much silliness follows..
until GEDDY ruins it all, by scaring everyone away with THIS photo..
nearing 3AM with the EXETER now closing and everyone fleeing in all directions like rats from a sinking ship.. we make plans to flee ourselves.. at which point we spot this strangely familiar drunk nearby hammering away like a retarded loon on those infamous bongo drums on the corner..
deciding at this point we were much too far beyond stupid for the saftey of the public, STUCKEY kidnaps bongo playing SEAN.. stuffs him into his car, and sends us all home..
thus ending our SATURDAY night..
and that kiddies, was my weekend..
small.. compact.. fast moving.. deadly with knives.. and veering towards the incomprehensibly abstract.. but just the lo-fidelity insanity I wuz looking for to recharge my shattered spleen and get me rolling again.. eeeeeeee.. nice one! :)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Falling To Pieces