THE GOOD TIMES ARE KILLING ME
"DUDE!!! IVE LOST JIKA!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THEY ARE! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING TAKING THEM TO SHOTZ LAST NIGHT? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!!!! Seriously man, Ive lost Jeff, Tibor, Zane, Damian and Chris. Only Vlad and Branko made it home. Now wake the fuck up and find them you FOOL!"
- tour promoter, JIKA (Melbourne) / Sunday Morning
ok.. now, obviously.. telling from the puzzled expressions on your faces reading that just now.. an explaination is probably in order.. y'see.. I got this friend CHELSEA.. she's a zoo keeper (translation: band manager/promoter) and every once in a while she brings in a fresh busload of dribbling primates from across the border (translation: imports an interstate rock band) to drink themselves into a sublime stupour (translation: play a few gigs around town) both for miscellaneous shits n giggles and hopefully in effort to build a friendly exchange program for whenever we need to get rid of OUR local Adelaide idiots for a weekend or two.. sure.. it ain't pretty work.. but someone's gotta do it..
of course, in such instances as this, I must take it as my solemn duty to tag along as an official internet rock journalist representative so I can document the whole journey for your amusement.. yeah, I know.. it's a tough job.. but again, someone's gotta do it (translation: yeah fuckit, I'm just in it for the free beer and you know it!)
so.. join me if you will.. on my epic journey into hell on a 21 seater tour bus with MELBOURNE band JIKA.. as we go forth on yet another lazy weekend adventure in sleepy 'ol Adelaide..
be still my beating hangover.. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaauauah! ;)THURSDAY NIGHT
like any good sporting event - the key to success, is in the warm up before the big game.. so, thus follows my Thursday night.. as I prep my liver in advance for the onslaught that I'm likely to meet it in the next few days.. if yer gonna go hard, do it right so you can live to fight another day.. that's wot me pappy says! (well, no.. he didn't, but he really should've.. it's damn good advice!)
and so my journey begins here.. 6:30PM on a Thursday night with a quick dinner at the FALAFEL HOUSE on Hindley St: home to the best damn bacon cheese and onion hotdog this side of the equator..
next I'm off to JIVE to meet up with CHELSEA for some pre-game carnage..
leading to many an emptying glass of frosty COOPERS PALE ALE..
which leads us next to TEQUILA REA hours later..
as we down some frosty DOS EQUIS mexican beers..
and sure, I know it's odd that we'd be drinking beers in a TEQUILA BAR.. but, if you ever drunk this beer, then you'd understand too.. and speaking of odd, can anyone explain wot the FUCK this display is doing at the back of TEQUILA REA? is this some kinda wackyarse latino pantyraid or wot?
as expected when many beers are involved.. we eventually find ourselves gravitating towards the CRANKA at about 10PM.. until when we got there, we took one look inside at all the idiots inside.. and thought better of it.. making a hasty getaway at around 11:30PM..
and thus ends basic training for the hell we're about to witness this weekend..FRIDAY NIGHT
round 1: THE CRANKA.. JIKA performing with BLACK DOG (some kinda WOLFMOTHER 70's stoner rock knock-off as much I've heard), and TONY FONT SHOW.. I can see the tourbus parked outside.. so much carnage will likely ensue..
the blackboard ant tells me pints of TOOHEYS EXTRA DRY are available for $3.50 (and so does every other lunatic I bump into tonight), but I stick to PALE ALES.. no point risking my liver this early in the game..
first up on stage.. BLACK DOG, I take a few casual listens, poke my head in once or twice to see 'em playing.. but think better of it.. and decide to drink happy hour beers instead.. fuckit, if they're any good.. they'll be around again..JIKA
up next.. we have touring band JIKA.. a band that could be best described as an entire live set of SYSTEM OF A DOWN vs AT THE DRIVE IN / MARS VOLTA, if it was performed by smack addict MEXICANS in the space of 5 minutes.. quite an experience once you get over the epilectic seizures caused by taking all this crazy circus shit in all at once.. but well worth the insanity netherless :)
here we have TIBOR the death metal bass player, chugging up a wall of bowel imploding fury..
VLAD, the 7 foot tall guitarist and part time impaler of goats, chickens and unsuspecting tavern wenches..
lead vocalist JEFF, delivering incomprensibly rapid fire rapping, intersperced with wailing traditional style latino singing.. damn trippy stuff..
and here we have ZANE, the channel surfing drummer.. a dude who's totally incapable of keeping the same beat for more than a minute (or quite likely his brain would explode in the process)
which makes it all the more entertaining watching the confused crowd trying to dance to this shit.. as JEFF runs from bongo's, keyboard synths, microphone and back to accompany all of ZANE's beatchanges..
sure.. it just about does ya head in trying to keep up with all this madness.. but, give it about 20 minutes.. and you really start to dig this stuff.. either that, or it'll give you a brain tumour.. either way.. fuckin' niiiiice one :)TONY FONT SHOW
with JIKA done for the night.. and after the ever helpful CRANKA staff hosed out all the blood stains, teeth and broken glass.. TONY FONT SHOW hit the stage for the headlining slot.. and since these guys seemed to've kidnapped my blog for their own nefarious purposes week after week of late.. I'll try to keep my rundown of their gig here as brief as I can.. you obviously know the drill by now..
here we have lead singer LEE reversing the laws of gravity..
MATT the bass player pulling another signature chugging monkeyarse swamp riff..
here's RICHARD, a most exceptionally talented lead guitarist, who's skill in noodling funk chords are second to none..
and PHIL.. who in between drinking the blood of the innocent, sacrificing pidgeons on altars and performing nefarious acts with the dark arts.. also just so happens to play the drums.. ROCK!
early on in the set, we thought it'd be funny to steal MATT's baseball cap and take some retarded photo's in the thick of the action..
(aaaah so good to see TONY FONT SHOW attracting such an intelligent, discerning group of listeners of late..)
obviously MATT's got bored of the playing the bass, and is now amusing himself by balancing himself over the piling bodies of PHIL's murder victims (surviving this mosh pit may be trickier than first thought tonight)
ah yup.. speaking of intelligent listeners..
LEE spots someone in the crowd with one those obnoxious white headphones listening to their ipod in the corner of the room.. the offending member is soon set upon by the howling baboons in the crowd and beaten within an inch of their lives.. yeah that'll learn 'em!
here's further evidence as to why I should never appear in my own blog..
or THIS guy for that matter (where DO we find these freaks!?)
by this point in the set, the crowd attempts to throw a human sacrifice onto the stage..
unfortunately their aim's all shot to shit, so he's thrown into the speaker stacks instead..
and once more.. the set ends with lead singer LEE in a dribbling mess on the floor.. absolute fucking carnage! you guys just about nearly killed me out there.. ROCK!
"wait.. you mean to tell me SPOZ didn't make fun of me in the blog this time? awwww.. shit.. now I'm all depressed!"
with TONY FONT SHOW put back in their boxes and packed away for the night.. we continue with much beer fueled carnage with JIKA throughout the CRANKA for the next few hours..
most memory of it has since become an incoherant dribbling blur as we were also splitting time in the venue with frequenting JIKA's tour van to empty it of beer.. but I did however remember bumping into THIS girl.. can't remember her name for the life of me.. but, we took a photo of her and her friend anywaze (say hi in the comments section if yer reading this!)
her abilities include: levitating knives, shooting green laser beams out've her eyeballs, sword fighting atomic space mutants, piloting building-sized battle machines in Neo Tokyo against GODZILLA and MOTHRA and um.. performing in that kinda crazy high pitched insane bubblegum techno-punk-pop that's liable to gives kids seizures..
we thought she wuz really cute, so we thought it'd be a good idea to kidnap her..
unfortunately she soon teleported out've our dimension before we could get her thru the door and out've the venue.. damn.. maybe I should've just got her number instead.. hmmmmm.. ;)
further stupidity continued well into the rest of the night.. and into the morning.. as we drank the tour bus dry of beer and made total idiots of ourselves parked outside of the CRANKA (leaving a litter of empty beer bottles in our wake)
but, as they say.. "what happens on the tour bus, STAYS on the tourbus", so I'll leave the night there for now..
from as much as I can mention, I dimly recall somehow finding myself home at around 8AM with most of my vital organs still accounted for.. so, wot'ever the hell I did the rest of the night.. carnage!SATURDAY NIGHT
round 2: JIVE.. JIKA, performing with CIRCLE CLAN (reappearing after many months for a rare live venue performance) and of course TONY FONT SHOW, for a repeat act of brain destroying fury.. yay!CIRCLE CLAN
up on stage first.. we have CIRCLE CLAN, who mysteriously are missing lead singer PAUL BELIAL tonight, as he's been called off on a job at the last minute working in the riverland (or at least, THAT's wot they tell me.. who KNOWS wot foul schemes he's cooking up out there?) so, replacing him on vocals tonight.. we have a tag-team of ANDREW from SOJOURN, COPY ONE from SUBWOOFER.. and guitarist PAGEY filling in the blanks..
here PAGEY attempts the schizophrenic task of attempting to be both PAUL BELIAL - the howler monkey.. and PAGEY - the doom guitarist from hell.. but mostly, he's just PAGEY, the doom guitarist.. sometime's he also makes a mean impersonation of GIMLI the DWARF.. but either way, ROCK!
here ANDREW attempts to follow the madly scribbled singing notes written in pink crayon that were helpfully left behind by BELIAL..
"pACE BAcK N FOrTh On STaGE LIke PISsD oFf JUNgLe cAT n HUnCHbacK of nOTrE DAmE.. MAke wiTH scREAMiN NOiZ.. LOoK hAIrY n iNSAne.. kiLL aLl UnBeLIeVErS WiTh eXTRemE PREJuDIce.. FeEEaAAR MeEEeEEE!!!"
yeah.. he pretty much stuck to wot he knew instead.. but, damn.. all things considered.. for a sit down vocalist.. he did a damn good job of it..
keyboardist NATE HATE wonders if his house is gonna burn down tonight after he had to rip the batteries out've the smoke alarm to power his groove box widgets..
for the first few songs CIRCLE CLAN are feeling a bit lost without their fearless leader whipping everyone into a retarded frenzy.. till ANDREW comes up with the genius idea of breaking the ice by beating the living shit out've sheet metal instead.. damn thing works a right treat tho' in accompanyment to the beats to the song RUST.. so, sure enough.. the dancefloor is soon whipped into a lunatic frenzy of flailing limbs..
they are then joined on stage by COPY ONE (aka: STUCKEY) as they further fuel the flames with the songs FOLLOW THE WHITE LINE and FEDERATIONS..
where, in a weird combination of 3 vocalists.. they manage to channel a damn near 100% facsimile of the schizophrenic scream and rapping twin attack of BELIAL vs COPY ONE on stage (even if it was rather weird to hear COPY ONE occassionally attempting to rap against himself on stage..)
with the gathering crowd suitably laid to waste.. PAGEY brings the set to a close in a wall of screaming guitars.. thus making for a sometimes confusing, but damn near trippy performance (I really didn't know how the hell they were gonna pull it off.. but it worked.. respect!)
(although I did still miss the movement of that lunatic BELIAL scrambling around the stage like a mental patient.. they could easily cover that next time they're left without their lead for a gig, if they just let loose a few chimpanzee's on stage.. then you'd really have something to fuck ya brain over with.. :)JIKA
up next.. we have JIKA on stage..
tonight they pull off this damn near trippy bit of song.. probably only lasted for 2 minutes or so before they switched it.. but it combined the coolest elements of wot sounded like some kinda mexican traditional wailing intro which led into some kinda bouncing pogo ska thing.. thrashing guitars.. and.. fuck.. I dunno.. junglist loops and circus music? I dunno wot the FUCK it wuz.. but, if you guys are reading this.. can ya lemme know which song it is? it freakin' ROCKED YO! I gotta get me some of that shit!
hmmmm.. this is either a reinactment of a scene from the german 1920's vampire film NOSFERATU.. or he's LURCH from the ADDAMS FAMILY.. either way, that guitarist VLAD is one trippyarse freak..
when in doubt.. further confuse the audience by going freakin' spastic on the bongos..
"when you die.. you see the RING!"
ok... this shit is seriously starting to freak me the fuck out.. yer breaking me brain with this shit dammit!
finally they finish it all off with a rousing circus metal rendition of SONNY and CHER's duet, I GOT YOU BABE.. till the walls of reality collapse around my ears and I hafta be carried off a screaming mess off the dancefloor to recuperate at the bar..
(yeah.. ok.. I made that last bit up.. but how TRIPPY would that sound if they attempted that.. just THINK of it maaan!)TONY FONT SHOW
*ahem*.. anywaze.. on with the show.. the TONY FONT SHOW to be exact..
and tonight it looks like they're running with a distinctly freakshow flavoured theme..
here's LEE, who's either attempting to be one of the dude's from MIAMI VICE on a violent meth binge.. or perhaps he's just running with a violent case of hayfever.. hmmmmm.. "the amazing sneeze tornado" perhaps?
here's RICHARD the amazing vibrating guitarist.. he may appear to be standing still to the casual viewer.. but, if you slow the footage enough.. you can actually sense all the subtle high speed movements he makes to play those freakish chords..
unfortunately MATT was ill tonight (or quite possibly hungover), so tonight he was replaced by the very capable and exceptionally psychedelic lookalike, SHAKES THE CLOWN..
whilst PHIL hides behind the drumkit tonight.. so I can't make fun of him..
DAMN YOU INPENETRABLE FORCEFIELD OF CYMBALS AND HIHATS!! HA!!!
yeah I think I've made enough damn stinking comments on TONY FONT SHOW photo's this weekend.. so fuckit.. you go make up a jokey caption up for this one instead..
and this one while yer at it..
oh, and feel free to drop a BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN gag for this one.. coz, lets face it.. HEATH LEDGER may not've got the OSCAR.. but they'll be milking that movie for jokes for yeaaars to come..
and yup.. as always, LEE's damn near floors it again at the end of the gig.. but somehow this time has made for the top of the pool table instead.. hmmmm.. perhaps he could confuse us all and try the ceiling next.. that'd freak people out.. wooooo anti-gravity!
and there we have it kiddies.. another crazyarse TONY FONT SHOW bites the dust leaving a litter of bodies in it's wake.. and here I am seriously running out've silly shit to write about 'em too.. fuckit.. either I could just start making (more) silly shit up.. or.. you could stop reading about me TALKING about 'em and just go see 'em already.. and then YOU could write about 'em.. and I could nick ya review and pass it off as me own instead.. BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!! :)
(and no.. US Rolling Stone magazine.. you didn't just read me saying that.. I am nothing but journalistic integrity.. *cough*)
*ahem* anywaze.. on with the show..
with the bands winding up around 1AM or so.. we hit the bar for a few more rounds of beer.. and then back to JIKA's tourbus in the JIVE carpark.. curiously enough tho', upon walking up to the doors of the bus, me and CHELSEA are refused entry as JIKA were in the middle of a top secret "BAND MEETING"..
being their tour manager, this pissed CHELSEA off to no end.. so we then made our way to our next destination, the CRANKA.. and upon walking in, CHELSEA tips off all the bouncers in the place to refuse entry to JIKA on grounds that the entire VENUE was having a "BAND MEETING".. which provides endless amusement to us when they eventually arrived and tried and failed to get inside..
many beers follow.. memory gets vague.. but I believe at around 4AM CHELSEA had to disappear as she had work the next day.. so, apparently.. in some vague spoken agreement.. I now assumed responsibility as interim tour manager for JIKA.. although, at this point of dribbling inebriency.. holding responsibility for anything larger than a pencil would've proven too much of a challenge for me..
"no matter.. wot could go wrong?" I thought..
with the CRANKA now closed.. me and the band seek further means to destroy our livers.. with CHELSEA helpfully suggested ZHIVAGO's to the band earlier.. as, according to her.. this would've provided a safe and relatively trouble free haven for the band to while away the rest of the night.. of course I wasn't made aware of this strategy at the time (or likely I wuz, but wuz too blind drunk to remember it) and, so.. as expected.. the following conversation in the tourbus ensues..
BAND - "hey, lets go to ZHIVAGO's!!"
SPOZ - "ZHIVAGO's!? narrrr.. FUCK THAT! that place is a fucking HOLE now maaan! it's all gone TOP 40's shit and full've wankers! LETS GO TO FUCKIN' SHOTS MAAAAAAAN!! YEAAH!"
BAND - "YEAH!! SHOTS!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!"
so.. after somehow finding a place to park our 21 seater tourbus we enter SHOTS at 4:30AM
more drunken stupidity follows.. likely idiotic dancing on the dancefloor.. I really can't remember much of anything.. I'm seriously beyond retarded at this point.. 1/2 the time is spent chasing up band members who keep going missing in different parts of the venue.. "duuude.. where's TIBOR!?".. followed by.. "OH MAAAN.. we just lost ZANE!!".. the other 1/2 the time is spent just getting even more retarded..
finally.. 5AM rolls around.. and the venue starts closing up..
and you know you've had a real heavy night out.. when you capture a photo like THIS.. SHOTS dancefloor at 5:15AM, empty.. with all the houselights on.. eeeerie..
after all this insanity I eventually make it outside with the band in tow and we pile back into the tourbus.. I'm guessing I'm probably trying to kill the last few beers left in the bus (and likely my braincells by proxy) and I think the band were doing lines of something wacky off a TONY FONT SHOW CD themselves (but I'm probably imagining things there) but.. anyhoo.. by about 5:30AM, with my brain twisted severe out've the normal confines of reality.. I bid farewell to the band..
I wander down to HINDLEY ST.. find a taxi.. get home sometime around 6AM.. and pass out..SUNDAY / EPILOGUE
I wake up on the ceiling.. a few minutes pass and I realise gravity hasn't reversed and I fall out've bed.. mild headache.. drop 2 panadols.. a lot've water.. a steaming bowl of instant LAKSA and given 15 minutes I'm more or less solid.. I can't remember much of last night beyond 2AM.. but I'm thinking.. "gee I wonder wot happened to JIKA? I wonder if they had fun without me?"
so I lazily check my blogspot for messages at about 3PM.. only to see that crazed comment left by CHELSEA (see top of post) screaming about "LOSING THE BAND", she rings me soon afterwards freaking out in a blind panic and yelling over the phone.. whilst I do my best not to laugh..
as much as we could piece together, since me leaving them at SHOTS (and thus removing any last authoritative measure to keep them in line) a whole bunch of them somehow then end up at the hell hole of all recovery venues, RISE wooping it up into ugly hours of Sunday doing fuck know's wot with the infamous STORMY SUMMERS and a bunch of dirtyarse strippers (ie: cue potential insanity involving rival bikie gangs knifing each other and some clueless MELBOURNE band in the middle of it.. whilst everyone possibly gets stonked out've their eyeballs on all sorts of unmentionably wacky narcotics and dribbling happy pills.. all to the accompanyment of shitty doof doof trance and fucked up pillmuncher ravers and knife wielding loons.. etc etc) yeah beats me how the fuck they got THAT idea.. but, damn dudes.. ROCK AND ROLL! :)
to make matters worse.. they'd all left their mobile phone's back at CHELSEA's.. and NONE of them had a CLUE how the HELL to get home..
luckily.. a few hours later.. most if not all the band members were eventually accounted for.. after several hours of searching TIBOR wuz soon found wandering all scruffy, bug-eyed and crazed down THE PARADE, NORWOOD sometime in the early afternoon.. VLAD and BRANKO found their way home in the tourbus.. and by all reports, the rest were were partying at RISE are now staying in a hotel room at the HILTON with a bunch of them strippers keeping the party alive well into MONDAY (and quite possibly TUESDAY at this rate)
and there you have it, the full extended story of my insane weekend.. and to all of you who survived to read to the end of it.. I hope it proved an entertaining one.. drop a comment, it'd be much appreciated (coz it near about killed me attempting to write all this nonsense to bring it to you on time) oh, and JIKA.. if ya reading this.. (a) DUUUUUUDES ROCK!!!! (b) you might wanna talk to CHELSEA to put some fires out.. coz oooooh maaaan is she's PISSED AT YOU GUYS! ;)
and that.. is all folks! see ya next weekend for more beer fueled insanity!
"the good times are kiiiilling meeeee.. ooooh yeaah!.. the good times are kiiiiiilling meeeeee!"
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Broken Social Scene