BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE
hi everyone! and welcome to yet another skull splattering downward spiral into the hedonistic hellhole of self destructive beer fueled fury known as SPOZ's RANT - THE WEEKEND EDITION! witness the wacky hijinks as I near about do myself in for the sake of cheap vicarious entertainment! gawk bug-eyed and goldfish gulping at all the retarded photo's of the stupendous and the insane I have collected JUST for you! marvel at just how I manage to do this each and every weekend without requiring 24/7 nursing assistance and a kaleidoscope of pharmaceuticals! ooooo.. be still my beating liver! no wait.. oh fuck.. now I've gone and done it.. NURSE!?! I broken another one!! HEEEEELP!!!
aaaaah yes! the things I suffer thru for the sake of the 2-3 peeps out there who actually READ this junk.. and maybe.. one day.. with a lot of perseverence and a little luck I could kill enough braincells to increase that readership to 4.. BIG TIME HEEEERE WE COME!! WAAAAHOOOOO!
*ahem*.. anywaze.. nuff of my mental dysfunction.. on with the show!GOOD FRIDAY
on a day like this it really makes me wonder, wot kinda dribbling arseclown came up with the name "GOOD FRIDAY".. coz, obviously they were being sarcastic.. there is nothing good about a day that celebrates some bearded hippie from 2000 years ago getting nailed to a tree for the sake of the "greater good".. I mean shit.. if you think current affair shows are giving the unemployed a bad rap NOW.. just be thankful the romans aren't still running shit (although, considering the direction world politics has been taking.. I wont be surprised if they start considering this shit again.. 4th Reich anyone?)
I mean seriously, wot's GOOD about a friday when next to every pub is closed? we're not all christians y'know! how about all those athiests? agnostics? jews? hindus? buddhists? or alien worshipping raelian cults? where do they go for some beer fueled fun? sheeesh "GOOD" my arse! (but we'll still take the holiday off work tho'.. hahahahaha!)
so.. obviously running short of options tonight.. I opt for my emergency backup plan and head out to see a film, "WALK THE LINE" at Greater Union in HINDLEY ST.. of course, there's no point reviewing the movie indepth here.. since it's been out in cinema's the last 2 months already (and longer in the USA) and most of you might've already seen it.. but yeah.. I'd give it 3 stars out've 4.. it wuz aiiight.. go hire it on DVD when it's out in a week or two..
after spilling out've the theatre at 11:20PM and with another 1/2 hour to kill till my bus home arrives.. I decide to go wandering thru the dead city taking photo's of all the empty streets and alleyways..
"we're sorry, but your city cannot be reached right now.."
"please wait whilst we put your life on hold.."
"(cue mindnumbing piano muzak) doo doo wee wee tinkle tinkle splonkle.."
*twiddles thumbs.. yawns.. stares at watch.. reaches for axe..*
yup.. that's one creepyarse city when nobody's around, no wonder Adelaide has so many friendly serial killers :)EASTER SATURDAY
an SMS left in my phone's inbox from 10 days ago described rather eloquently what I was about to expect from a night like tonight..
"Kemp krawl, sat 15th april, my 31st bday drinks, meet 9:30pm at enigma beer garden..From there we walk the streets and visit pubs like the gods of rock"
as I head out tonight, I pass by this on the way to the bus stop..
(obviously the universe was telling I wuz gonna get SMASHED tonight.. wahoooo!)
of course the insanity would begin earlier than 9:30PM for me.. as I arrive at KING WILLIAM ST at 6PM to help bomb the city streets with an unnamed accomplice in crime for an upcoming show for a particular touring melbourne band next weekend.. I can't say anything further on this matter, suffice to say, NEXT Friday - CRANKA, and NEXT Saturday - JIVE.. be there.. it's gonna be freakin' HUUUUUGE :)
after a most successful bombing raid.. we find ourselves at JIVE.. where beer and fooz awaits and over the course of the next hour I then proceed to lose 6 games straight to my unnamed accomplice.. considering the scale of my humiliation and the ridiculous scores involved in my defeat, my accomplice will continue to remain unnamed for the rest of this post.. yeah, that'll learn ya! (she hates it when I mention her name in this thing anywaze.. HAHAHAHA!)
at about 8PM.. I seek out food.. heading to AUSSIE PIZZA HOUSE near the cinema on HINDLEY.. spotting CHRIS FARLEY
whilst I'm there.. and for totally arbitrary reasons.. I decide to take a photo if this while I'm here (you can make your own mind wot the hell it means)
at about 8:30PM we head back to JIVE to catch a few bands - MIRRORLINE, KASAVETT and THE DRONES.. although it'd normally cost mere mortals $15 for door entry.. I somehow manage to pull some freakish jedi mind trick and gain free entry instead (I'm later told this is usually a perk reserved for C-LIST CELEBRITIES.. hmmm.. perhaps I've gone up in the world? niiiice :)MIRRORLINE
first up, we have MIRRORLINE on stage.. drilling our ears with their signature howling distorted oldskool grunge vs screamo onslaught.. soundin somewhat reminiscent of a throwdown grudge match between the vocal stylings of MUSE and RADIOHEAD and the soft/loud braindamage dynamic of NIRVANA.. quality!
that's lead vocalist TOM SPALL.. he may be tiny, but he screams like a pissed off caffeinated animal 1/3 of his size.. damn trippy to watch..
the quiet and unassuming SEAN LANGCAKE doing his freaky shit with the bass..
and here's BEN WHITE thrashing the still beating shit out've his drumkit like a freakin' octopus.. rock!
sure, they may be a no-nonsense band of talented midgets.. but they clean the wax out've ya ears with gruesome efficiency each and every time.. watch out for 'em.. they're gonna be huge :)
with MIRRORLINE finished, and nearing 10PM.. I consider it's about time I check in next door at the ENIGMA to see how SEAN KEMPY's beer fueled self destruction is proceeding..
ummmm.. yup.. looks like he's got a handle on things..
(ooooh maan that joke wuz lame)
yeah.. get a grip duuude!
(no wait, this one's even worse)
oh look, it's the lead singer of FIGHTERPILOT giving SEAN head..
(ok.. that's it.. I'm out've here! you can write yer OWN damn jokes..)THE DRONES
sufficiently weirded out by all this.. an hour later, I'm back next door at JIVE to catch the big headlining act THE DRONES do their thing in front of a packed out crowd of hooting baboons..
now.. I'd never heard these DRONES play before.. I've never heard any of their songs.. I didn't know what to expect.. but, I did know they'd been hyped to death for the last 6 months on TRIPLE J with their colourfully named album "WAIT LONG ENOUGH BY THE RIVER AND THE BODIES OF YOUR ENEMIES WILL FLOAT BY".. and with everyone else raving about 'em.. and all this HYPE.. I thought they MUST be good.. riiight?
hmmm.. well.. granted.. they got off on a good start, with the lead vocalist here absolutely tearing shit out've his guitar on the stage.. gnashing, grinding and distorting walls of squealing feedback out've his guitar with playful axe-murdering glee.. it really wuz quite dizzy watching this maniac lurch around off-balance like that..
and yet, the rest of the band is doing nothing but treading water..
merely plodding out a monotonous dirge of swampy jangling mediocrity that did nothing to inspire me.. after 3-4 of these songs.. it just became nothing but.. well.. a mindnumbing DRONE.. ha!
sure.. the drummer looked like he wuz giving his all here.. but where was the energy? the rhythm? the raw insane swampy blues energy the lead vocalist was trying to instigate with his flailing moves?
yup.. even the guitarist is starting to look bored.. "WUH? wot? we're still on stage? oh shiiit man.. I totally spaced.."
I could barely keep awake here to take photo's as song after song melted into the same flat lifeless dirge.. obviously I'm either missing some crucial here (apologies to all you fans out there) or, we got yet another over hyped band working waaay beyond their worth.. hmmmmm.. leave that one open for discussion perhaps?
anyhoo.. I'd had about enough of this mess.. so, at about 12AM or so.. I head back to ENIGMA to continue celebrating KEMPY's journey into cheerful oblivion..
looks like he's switched to crazy alien blue cocktails.. ruh rowh!
some dumb photo's follow with the owners of the bar..
damn scary looking bunch they are too..
now I've noticed recently.. due to the increasing popularity (ha!) of this ere blog.. a lot've idiots have now been using this as a cheap excuse to pick up..
case in point..
SEAN - "hey heeeey ladies! wanna get ya photo on SPOZ's RANT!? this dude's like me personal paparazzi! yeaaah!"
yup.. you gotta hand it to him.. he knows how to work a crowd..
as someone would helpfully mention to me 2 minutes later (after her friend finally managed to pull this girl off of SEAN to drag her off to SHOTS)
"HAHAHAHA.. DUUUUDE! SHE HAD TO BE AT LEAST 17! YEAAAH! ROCK!!! WAAAHOOOOO!!"LATER THAT NIGHT
looking to escape this madness momentarily before the cops arrive.. I then somehow find myself upstairs to catch a set by some screamo act called LATER THAT NIGHT..
and don't them wacky emo kids just LOVE it... yeah! we love myspace! WOOOO!
throughout the set.. lead singer guy was seen clambouring around every available space like an excitable marmoset.. quite possibly singing about the deep burning anguish of acne scars, underage drinking and genital warts (hahahaha.. yeah, fucked if I know) damn cool stuff tho'..
yup, as SCREAMO acts go.. these dudes were pretty damn freakin' good.. sure, I might've been totally pissed out've me gourd at this point (so, really not the best judge of musical character) but their gnashing psycho antics really fuckin' nailed it for me.. yeaah! PSYCHOS!! WOOOOO! ROCK!! AAAUAUUAUAAAHH!!
after 5 or 6 songs, I duck back downstairs to rejoin the insanity.. to witness SEAN and MATT going beserk to PEARL JAM's "GO" on the jukebox.. hmmmmm.. imagine for a moment if we actually gave these lunatics REAL musical instruments? BOOSTER vs TONY FONT SHOW mashup anyone? (be afraid.. be VERY afraid!)
soon after.. at around 2AM.. and sufficiently beyond stupid.. we then decide to head off to SHOTS to further our self destruction.. I follow the entourage 1/2 the way.. to then make a detour briefly at the CRANKA..
this is the last I see of SEAN for the night.. word is, he finally made it to SHOTS, found that girl from before.. promptly spilt his beer everywhere.. covered a few surfaces in vomit and was then promptly thrown into a TAXI around 3AM.. SEAN KEMP we salute you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY YA OLD GEEEEZ! just make sure to pick up ya liver at the front desk in the morning.. eeeeee!
stepping foot into the CRANKA.. I'm soon ambushed by this mob who tackle me to the ground for this photo opportunity (or at least I THINK that's wot happened!?)
we all bid a fond farewell to my brain forming a foaming puddle on the floor, as we then make our way to SHOTS..
"100 green bottles sitting on a wall.. *hic*.. 100 green bottles sitting on a wall.."
it continually surprises me that they actually let freaks like US into places like this..
actually.. no.. considering it's SHOTS, I'm really NOT surprised.. perhaps JOE BLOGS
bribes the bouncers?
yup, this is all beginning to explain the headache I had the next day..
and as they say, "what goes up.. must come down in a howling mess on the dancefloor".. again.. I seriously wonder HOW we weren't thrown out've SHOTS for doing this shit..
around 5AM or so, after likewise making a flailing twat of meself on the dancefloor for a solid hour.. I suddenly discover my camera's gone missing from my pockets.. I start to panic.. I freak out.. I run around like a retarded chicken looking for it.. till finally, 10 minutes later SIMONE
finds it in several pieces on the dancefloor.. oddly enough, I fit it all back together and it still works perfectly.. damn! CANON sure know how to make a mean arse 3 megapixel camera (especially after the shit I put it thru each and every weekend) weeeee!
with SHOTS now closing up.. and with most of my vital organs about due to shut down any minute now.. we all pile into our respective taxi's out've there.. and to our attending nursing staff, psychiatrist and a bedpan..
I eventually find myself home at about 6AM.. and unconsciousness..EASTER SUNDAY
I awake.. I pop 2 panadol.. I drink some water.. I cook up a bowl of packet noodle LAKSA soup.. I nurse me broken brain (it's a nifty little hangover cure.. try it some time) as I sift thru the detritus of photo's from last night with aims to publish this ere blog sometime this evening as per usually scheduled..
I'm interrupted at about 5PM, when I get a few SMS's from SEAN.. apparently he's still alive and wants to pop around and see my photo's.. possibly either for (a) damage control (b) to remember wot the hell he did last night (c) get a photo of that chick he scored with and later proceeded to make a fool of himself at SHOTS with.. (hey, if that girl is reading this now.. feel free to leave a message and say hi! no really, I'd like to hear the other side of the story here.. ahahahaha :) )
anyhoo.. SEAN has the golden "hair of the dog" plan, to hit the GRACE EMILY for some much needed stoner lo-fi acoustica and some recovery beers..
on the way we make for a quick detour at KFC for some tried and proven hangover remedy.. coz nothing fixes a fucked up headspace better, than some seriously fucked up vaguely unrecogniseable chicken bits in greasy 11 herbs n spices..
we arrive at the GRACE EMILY, and the glowing sign hurts my retinas..
stepping inside the glowing lights around the stage hurts my retinas.. so, we run and hide to the saftey of the bar..
"hair of the dog" follows.. aaaah.. wot a shambolic mess.. they should run DRUG SAFTEY campaigns with this photo.. "THIS COULD BE YOOOOU!"ANIMAL JOHNSON
some kinda swampy blues 2 piece act soon finds itself on stage to play a few songs.. I never bothered to ask who the HELL these guys are.. so, later.. looking thru RIP IT UP / dB.. I'd hazard a guess that these dudes were either ANIMAL JOHNSON or RUNNING WITH HORSES.. considering the lack of equestrian on stage, I'd put my money on these guys being ANIMAL JOHNSON (but feel free to correct me if I'm waaay off track)
we only last a few songs.. till, too brain damaged to handle any more.. we make our way out've there.. saying goodbye to the freakyarse chinese dragon head on the way out..
and that be the end of that chapter..
*phew*.. dunno how the fuck I survived another one.. rock and roll :)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Broken Bonsai Tree