ALCOHOLICS AND THE INFINITE MADNESS
Episode One: I Predict A Riot
(also see below for episodes TWO and THREE!)
despite all evidence to the contrary.. SPOZ is NOT dead - he did not die in a freak boating accident or from injuries sustained from falling off his horse in a game of polo.. he did not die in a plane crash, a car crash, a black hawk helicopter malfunction or from falling shrapnel at a german air show.. he has not died from a botched assassination attempt, whilst attempting auto erotic asphyxiation in his hotel room or from eating pop-rocks with a can of pepsi.. he is not missing on oceanic flight 815 somewhere over the pacific, he was not killed whilst taking part in a human guinea pig trials in new anti-inflamatory medication, nor is he or has he ever been devoured by an oversized amazonian boa constrictor..
SPOZ is alive.. SPOZ is speaking to you right now.. he does not require a medium, a seance or one of those crappy midday "speaking to the dead" shows to commune with.. and no, despite what you may've read - SPOZ is NOT shutting down this blog.. that was an APRIL FOOLS DAY PRANK you EIDIOT! ;) (surprising how many of you failed to read the comments box on that one - pysche!) SPOZ ain't leaving.. ooooooh NO.. yer gonna hafta put up with THIS idiot for a long while yet ;)
although.. after the weekend I've just had.. I'm really quite surprised that I AM still alive (and I'm now suffering a nasty headcold as a result.. yipee!)
but SPOZ's pain.. is YOUR gain.. as I present to you a weekend report SO insane, SO packed full of crazy photo's, I had to split it into 3 pieces split over several days (yet still published "near simultaneously") so all you poor bastards with dialup connections wouldn't suffer a nervous breakdown from the avalanche of it all.. (believe me, I feel your pain)
so.. grab y'self a tall coffee, a freshly packed bong, a bowl of peanuts, a sixpack of beer (or wot'ever the fuck you need for the long haul) and ENJOY THE ROLLERCOASTER!FRIDAY NIGHT
the journey begins at 6PM with a phonecall from JULIE
(one of my lunatic friends who since relocated to Brisneyland) she's just returned to Adelaide, is at the GRACE EMILY with a pile of beers and wondering where the hell I am.. all I remember hearing is "beer" and I'm on the next bus in.. there I bump into me friend JOE (crazyarse party chick who I hadn't seen in freakin ages).. we catch up.. and beers follow..
more people arrive.. and after much twiddling about wondering where the fuck to go for food.. we eventually decide upon HORUS (aka: "THE HOUSE OF HORRORS") that smelly little falafel place next to TEQUILA REA on Hindley St.. arriving there at 8PM..
no point mentioning the food (who cares? it's freakin' falafel) but wot IS worth mentioning are the wacky oversized bong contraptions they have here.. available in various sizes (and flavour mixes apparently)..
this little puppy shown here is the small $12 version..
now, before you leap to any conclusions (or hastily fall off your couch to make bookings) (a) it's flavoured TOBACCO you EEEiiiDIOT! and (b) no, I didn't inhale..
(although after about 10 minutes of this.. it DID make my headspin.. woohehehahaha!)
nearing about 9 - 9:30PM.. I make exit, and head towards the main event tonight - TONY FONT SHOW, QUANTUM KAOS and um.. some other band who's name I've since forgot (look it up
if yer really THAT eager) cooking a diabolical storm of funk metal at JIVE..
the first (forgotten) band played an alright set.. something in the vague funk metal ouvre.. but nothing really worth mentioning in an already overbloated blog..
so.. fukkit.. onto the next one..QUANTUM KAOS
I was expecting (from the name and accompanying poster promotion) that they were some kinda heavy / thrash / psycho monkey metal act.. but, to my surprise.. they turned out to be a relatively cruisy, mid weight grinding, ecclectic funkrock act..
the bongos were a particularly nifty touch, with the lead singer running around them like an exciteable ferret.. damn trippy to watch..
overall.. quite a cool little act they got there.. maybe I'll pay more attention next time they play (lest all the beers I drink since bury's all memory of their set.. hehehe)TONY FONT SHOW
up next.. the band I was here to see.. the headliners, TONY FONT SHOW.. once again come to annihilate another unsuspecting crowd with their accompanying loyal fanbase (aka: the human washing machine out front of stage)..
here LEE starts up some shit..
gives the crowd shit..
MATT plays the funky shit..
band starts losing their shit..
RICHARD expects me to give him shit AGAIN for his distinctive "funky robot" playing style..
"wot? I haven't said ANYTHING?.. well.. not YET anywaze.. muhahahaha!"
so, I cut RICH a break for a change and make fun of MATT's wacky facial expressions instead (wooo.. look, it's animated!)
LEE climbs up on the makeshift "diving platform" ready to strike..
PHIL's back to thrashing them drums with diabolic fury.. hey! welcome back PHIL!
(he practices bad juju with chicken blood I tells ya!)
LEE claims his first victim in the crowd..
gathers momentum as he claims another one..
till once again, all hell breaks loose as another human hurricane claims everyone in it's path leaving nothing but a litter of scattered bodies in it's wake..
photographers warning: do not step too close to the action at a TONY FONT SHOW gig, lest YOU become part of the action too..
yup.. the band delivered the goods once again and near about destroyed me in the process.. ROCK ON YOOOO FREAKIN' PSYCHOS!!!
(and all the while RICH keeps on playing without even pausing to blink.. wot a champion!)
perhaps next time they play a gig I should give him one of those fluffy black hats those british palace guards wear.. AAAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHA! (yeah sorry, couldn't help it.. please don't kill me :) )
1AM.. after 6 or 7 beers and with the venue rapidly emptying onto the street.. I look to continue the carnage elsewhere..
answering an earlier SMS left by TIMMY THE MONKEY
, I then find myself at the CRANKA.. bumping into these lunatics.. JOE BLOGS
.. and.. um.. some dude called JOSH.. (I think) and sure, I don't really know these people from a bar of soap, but I chose to drink JAGERBOMBS with them anywaze (funny how alcohol brings people together.. awwww ;) )
for those uninitiated.. a JAGERBOMB consists of a pint glass 1/2 filled with RED BULL with a JAGERMEISTER shot floating on top..
combining the worst elements of a RED BULL (ie: it's heart attack enducing taurine hit and it's urine flavour) with the worst elements of a JAGERMEISTER (take yer pick really, that shit IS kinda fuckin' foul) they're ruthlessly effective in wot they set out to do - to right royally fuck you up and yet give you the flying energy to do it all over again..
hmmmm.. dunno how SIMONE makes it look so EASY..
(don't try this shit at home kiddies!)
after many more rounds.. it's 4AM and we are turfed out on the street as the CRANKA closes.. and so.. we cook up a plan to hit the WEST END for places that are still open (ENIGMA, SUPERMILD, wherever they'll let the likes of us lunatics at this hour of the morning) to continue the rampaging stupidity..
this seems like a simple plan.. but, as experience has taught me.. there is NO such thing as a quick direct route from venue to venue with these lunatics
.. and so we witness yet another baffling sequence in their ongoing "LATE NIGHT HUMAN ORIGAMI" series thru the streets of Adelaide..
naturally this isn't just a spectator sport.. so I join in..
(this move probably explains a few bruises I woke up with the next day.. especially when they all stacked on top of me for more of their photo's.. hahahaha.. bastards!)
apparently they're real big on climbing things too..
and um.. actually.. no.. I can't explain this shit either..
(I wuz just happy they weren't running around marking their territory as well)
so THIS explains why my ribs hurt the next day!
and once again SIMONE shows me up and makes it all look so damn easy..
mental note: just because SIMONE tries something insane, doesn't mean I won't get killed attempting it myself.. aaAaHAhAHAaHAHA! *ow* damn me ribs!
it's scary to consider how MANY people have ridden this statue over the years..
and just be thankful I didn't publish any of their BRONZE PIG photo's (whoaaaa.. that wuz some naaaasty fucked up shit!) suffice to say - one of these days I gotta get me one of them CSI style ultraviolet lights and check those PIGS out.. I bet they got a reaal crazy story to tell.. eeeeeeesh!
it took us a full hour and a 1/2 to finally reach HINDLEY STREET.. and no surprises.. most if not all of the venues were now closed..
then again.. would you let THESE people into YOUR establishment at near to 6AM?
yeah.. I didn't think so..
all I remember from the rest of the night, wuz we somehow ended up at the ROSEMONT (yes.. THAT POKIES hellhole) drinking beers till 5-10 minutes later we thought better of it.. and fled to our respective taxi's home..
I get home somewhere past 6AM, crash thru my front door and crash out for much needed sleep and detox..
but, this is not the end.. OOOH NO! keep reading below for more thrilling misadventures of SPOZ.. coming to you just after THIS short psychotic break!
(TO BE CONTINUED!)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Alcoholics And The Infinite Madness / Episode Two