BEER MAKES YOU DO THE DARNDEST THINGS
this is no summer blockbuster.. no multiple academy-award winner praised by the foreign press.. this will not be screened to packed out audiences at the Cannes Film Festival, nor will it win the Palme d'Or.. this has not been financed offshore by the BBC due to politically sensitive content.. this was not directed by Michael Moore, Peter Jackson, Steven Spielberg or Clint Eastwood, nor was it adapted from a comic book, top-rating tv show or computer game featuring a bouncy breasted gun toting female archaelogist.. this does not star Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks or Tom Green.. this has not been based upon the selected works of Philip K Dick, JRR Tolkien, Dan Brown or JK Rowling.. this will not be boycotted by the Catholic Church or firebombed by Islamic Fundamentalists (although likely it should be).. there is no multi-layered narrative here.. no subplots.. no character arc.. no epic battle between the forces of good and evil.. there is no nail-biting twist.. this will not keep you on the edge of your seat.. although.. more than likely, there WILL be a sequel..
wot this ACTUALLY IS, is anyone's guess.. was it a weekend? or was it simply just 3 nights of utterly disconnective beer fueled carnage? who the fuck knows?
either way, beer sure makes you do the darndest things..THURSDAY NIGHT
this had been the 3rd week in a row I'd found meself out and about on a Thursday nite.. which makes me wonder.. is this simply the cumulative avalanche of the FRINGE FESTIVAL, ARTS FESTIVAL, WOMADELAIDE, INDIE 500 and STATE ELECTION forcing all of Adelaide's live music scene off the weekend radar this month? has Thursday night become the new Friday? has Friday night become the new Saturday? and where does that leave my brain by Monday.. shit, no wonder I can't think straight.. I think I need to lie down before the room starts spinning again.. these extra long weekends are really starting to take their toll.. I think I'll actually be relieved when all this shit is over.. hahahaha *ow* me liver..TONY FONT SHOW
anyhoo.. tonight I was out killing braincells to witness TONY FONT SHOW play a full throttle set of their finest funk rock metal chaos to a packed out crowd of howling baboons at the front bar of the GOVERNOR HINDMARSH..
here we see LEE making ears bleed in E sharp..
here RICHARD hasn't blinked for over 20 minutes..
MATT mistakes his bass guitar for a chainsaw (or maybe that's a rattlesnake)
RICHARD has stopped breathing over 40 minutes ago..
LEE accidently makes OWN ears bleed..
..thus losing all inner-ear balance, finding himself on the floor in the middle of the crowd again (just be thankful he's toilet trained..)
by this point RICHARD has been declared dead for almost an hour, and yet, ever so mysteriously the guitar still keeps on playing.. weeeeird (and somehow I suspect PHIL's is behind all this shit.. hmmmmm..)
and yet, aside from all the voodoo zombie practices, the rattlesnake handling, blood letting, random pig explosions and beserker screaming fits.. I reckon it wuz above and beyond the craziest shit I've ever seen erupt in the front bar of the GOVERNOR HINDMARSH on a Thursday night ever since SUBWOOFER terrorised the MOTLEY CREW / MOTORHEAD crowds to rioting point back in December 2005..
also worth mentioning, were their fiendish covers of WHITE STRIPES's "ONE NATION ARMY" and RED HOT CHILI PEPPER's "BLOOD SUGAR SEX MAGIC" (with RICHARD tearing up those signature chords with spooky zombie-like precision) slaying the crowd with murderous glee.. freakin' awesome shit..
yeah.. seriously, if you haven't seen these lunatics live yet.. then, get the fuck out've the house and bug on out to this shit YO! you'll thank me later..
coz you really don't wanna make PHIL angry now do ya? DO YOU!?
after the gig.. and a few beers following.. we closed the night playing FRISBEE CHICKEN with the traffic on PORT ROAD.. and surprisingly there were no casualties or fatalities to report (although RICHARD did get cleaned up by a semi trailer.. but, fuckit.. he's just PHIL's reanimated puppet now.. so it really didn't count anywaze..)FRIDAY NIGHT
this evening I was called to a meeting with a particularly infamous electro-pop gnome ensemble at WORLDSEND to discuss me (possibly) designing their new shiny website.. either that, or they wanted me to design them an army of killer mechanoid attack drones to rule the world at their behest (yeah.. there wuz a few beers involved so I got kinda confused with the exact details..)
this rambling discussion then led to more beers and a blowout chinese banquet at YING CHOW's on GOOGER.. and I could've shown some piss funny photo's of some of the nonsense that took place here, but after the out've court settlement and confidentiality agreement I signed.. I've since agreed to keep them from blog publication ;)
so.. for totally random amusement.. here's a photo of some rotating falafel meat..
a bunch of us then wandered down to the PERSIAN GARDENS..
to witnessed this ensemble of silly hat wearing musicians from SYDNEY crank out a set of distorted violins, twirling traditional minstrel instruments and ecclectic worldly folk / funk..
they were then joined near the end by some exotic belly dancer chick doing the dance of the 7 veils.. although, if she could actually be CALLED a belly dancer and not just a stripper is really up for interpretation..
and yes, I know wot yer thinking.. I really wish I took some photo's of it too.. dammit!
soon after.. the band was replaced by New York DJ NICODEMUS cranking up a swirling dancefloor of psychedelic middle-eastern drumming and electro funk.. it was at this point that the people I came with had to leave (as they needed to pack their bags for their tour of the USA.. wooo!) thus leaving me at somewhat a loose end of wot to do next..
with the night still young, I left the PERSIAN GARDENS in search of more entertainment..
I soon made my way to the GARDEN OF UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS, to witness a large crowd amassing around this skinny little circus freak suspended from his back by meat hooks and wires.. audience watching in awe as he swang back and forth and performed various aerobatic tricks..
here we see him trying some unconventional "pickup lines" on the ladies..
I soon bump into a whole host of colourful nuttas throughout the gardens and decide to hang about a few hours more..
here's one such freak, SAM, demonstrates some of the latest technology in beer science offered at the GARDEN.. BECK's aluminium space-age drinking tube (a more monstrous abuse of modern invention I have not seen.. seriously, stick to the glass bottles peeps.. this shit is FUCKED UP!)
being suitably drunk and stupid.. we thought it'd be hilarious to try out the "Fastest Ferris Wheel in the Southern Hemisphere".. I reckon we did 15 laps in this rusted hell contraption in the space of 5 minutes before being spat out at the end.. those lunatic carny's churned the thing like a fuckin' hamster wheel..
yet despite the stomach churning.. it made for some cool scenery..
staggering out've the FERRIS cage.. we then made our way to the UMBRELLA REVOLUTION tent and danced like retarded loons on the checkered dance floor.. kicked out've that around 3AM, we then made our way back to the main bar / food stalls area to witness this collection of drunks forming a conga line..
so obviously.. being the drunken twit I wuz.. I joined in..
with my brain suitably smashed up beyond all repair I then made my way out at 3:30AM.. got the last bus home.. and passed out.. and no, I seriously don't understand wot the fuck I did tonight either.. gotta love the FESTIVAL aye?SATURDAY NIGHT
waking up a colourful shade of stupid, I wuzn't planning on attempting anything ambitious tonight (there wuzn't really anything planned), but I didn't want to stay at home either.. so, on a whim I went and saw a movie..
my choice was "LORD OF WAR".. a darkly satirical film on global weapons trade, starring NICOLAS CAGE, JARED LETO and ETHAN HAWKE.. kinda like the drug film BLOW.. but imagine if he was running AK-47's to lunatic AFRICAN dictators instead.. yeah.. gruesome shit (mostly coz it wuz based on true events) but also funny in a sickly nihilistic way too.. this quote at the beginning of the film kinda sums it up..
"there are over five hundred million handguns in the world today.. enough for one in twelve of every man, woman and child.. that's a lot've guns.. yet I wonder.. HOW DO I ARM THE OTHER ELEVEN?"
yeah.. if you like your films really dark and geopolitical, yet filled with dark humour.. then you'll dig this..
after the film.. I piled out've the ACADEMY CINEMA at around 11:30PM with no other plans but to head home..
a few minutes later at the bus stop.. I then receive an SMS from SEAN.. he tells me he'll be heading to ENIGMA in 15 minutes with some loons from the band SUMI to piss on up..
I sit at the bus stop.. and ponder my options..
"should I go home and save my money?"
"should I kick on and blow my money on mindless beer?"
"hmmm.. I'd likely get bored if I went home.. it's saturday nite for fucksake!"
"fuckit.. I'm getting drunk!"
so.. at midnight.. I head onto HINDLEY ST to continue the insanity..
along the way.. I pass by this TONY FONT poster.. and have a bit of a chuckle when I realise it's been here since their gig from 4 weeks ago (I'm really surprised those over zealous Adelaide council workers hadn't torn this one down yet too.. trippy!)
walking into ENIGMA.. I spot an exceedingly drunk SEAN flailing around on the dancefloor to BLACK SABBATH, LED ZEPPELIN, DEEP PURPLE and other howling bong rock classics of the 70's.. I knew at this point this wuz gonna be one funnyarse night..
wandering around ENIGMA.. I'm totally dumbfounded when I stumble upon this new beer garden they've opened in the parking lot..
WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN!??
(apparently 2 weeks ago they tell me)
here we find some of the dudes from the band SUMI pissing on up.. so we join them for a few beers..
at the back of the beer garden there was a BBQ run by this crazy looking bearded lady..
"BEARDED LADY!? seriously.. SPOZ.. wot the FUCK are you on about!?"
yeah.. don't believe me?
take a closer look..
YEAAAAH!! BEARDED LADY!! ROCK!!
(damn I think I choked on me hot dog..)
a few beers later.. SEAN feels like wandering, so we head on down to the GRACE EMILY for more stupidity.. (apparently the shortcut didn't work out quite as planned..)
a few beers followed here..
which then lead to SEAN trying to eat the drumkit here..
at about 2AM or so, we're kicked out've the GRACE EMILY as it closes up.. so we decide to then head on down to the GARDEN OF UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS.. and sure, I've been there six trillion times meself already.. but SEAN hadn't been there yet.. so thought I'd give him the circus freak tour..
much aimless drunken wanderings down city streets follow..
we finally reach the entrance to the GARDENS at about 2:50AM.. but are told by the security that they're closing up.. much arguing and bargaining and general pointless drunken negotiation follows..
we see this girl trying (and failing) to use her priority pass to get inside.. so.. for laughs.. SEAN gets a photo with her..
bored of standing around outside.. we then wander back down RUNDLE ST and into the CRANKA.. load up on more beers.. and SEAN hits the dancefloor once again..
although not for long, as SEAN really doesn't approve of DJ IAN's choice of "music".. *cough* *gag* *vomit*
nearing 3:30AM.. we make our way back out've the CRANKA with aim's to catch the last pisshead $6 trip out've there.. bumping into these fellow drunks at the bus stop.. and yeah.. I got no fuckin' clue who any of these freaks are either.. yet, I took a photo of them anywaze.. go figure..
as we're waiting there for the bus to arrive.. I get a call from STUCKEY who had every intention of partying tonight.. but.. had accidently passed out cold at 11PM and missed all the fun (only to wake up just a few minutes ago).. so, not looking to miss out on ALL the stupidity, he swings by at 4AM, offering us both a lift out've there.. wot a champ!
and thus concluding an exceedingly ridiculous non-sequitar stringing of drunken events..
it sure didn't make a fuckload of sense..
but dumb fun wuz still had by all :)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Turn On The Bright Lights