WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF BEER NUTS
and now for an apology from SPOZ's RANT..
As you well may well be aware, SPOZ, the author and grand architect of this blog, "SPOZ's RANT" and all subsidary spin-offs from said blog (coming soon.. the breakfast cereal!), was normally scheduled to make an appearance Sunday night to recount the ever popular (mis)adventures of his weekend beer fueled exploits. However we regret to inform you that Spoz cannot at this time be present to make such an appearance as he is serving some much needed R and R time in an undisclosed "facility" situated somewhat north of whatever fanciful and likely fictional location our team of lawyers deem fit for him to inhabit at this junture in time. We wish to apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.
As such, and in accordance to the conditions of his stay in the "facility" Spoz will also not be making any calls, sms's, pages, faxes, IM's or any other contact with the outside world at this time. He will also not be accepting any calls. We wish to report that he is doing well, is in high spirits and should regain some semblance of higher brain function in the next few days and we assure you he will be back at his desk to answer all your crank calls, marriage proposals, lawsuits and death threats in next to no time. All rumours of SPOZ's untimely death are false and will not be entertained here.
For the record we also wish to state that in no way is this "facility" any kind of alcohol detox centre, cult deprogramming enclave, quarantine, prison complex or insane asylum. We also wish to emphatically deny any and all rumours circulating on any of his activities in the last 96 hours. We will seize any and all negatives, film, videotape, minidiscs or other such digital media used to defame the good name of SPOZ. We have also seized all DNA evidence, fingerprints and hair fibres. We watch all those crime shows just like you do. We are up with your tricks. SPOZ has not and will not ever admit to your slander and lies. In SPOZ we trust, even if he does only pays us in M&M's (that rat bastard!).
In the meantime, we shall present you with a tasteful selection of photographs exhumed from the "crash site" where we found his charred remains. We hope these will satisfy your curiousity and dispell any rumours of his untimely disappearance, demise or assasination. We assure you that SPOZ will return as soon as all the toxins have cleared his brain and his passport has been returned. We once again apologise for this break in transmission and for any inconvenience caused.
We hope you enjoy the rest of the show.
Since SPOZ is currently otherwise detained, this weekend recap portion of the proceedings shall be filled in by TRON, our work experience kid. Although he may not possess the most sophisticated grasp of the english language, we are still highly confident he'll do us proud either way.
OMG OMG OMG! WTF! LOL! I'm so.. like.. wow.. LOL.. like wow.. you guys ROCK! I'm on SPOZ's RANT!! WAHOOOOO!! LOL I'm so bugged out right now OMG ROTFL! WTF? oh wait.. hangon.. there's a knock on the door.. I'll brb k?
"OI! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE!!?? GET BACK IN YA CAGE YA FUCKING SLUT MONKEY!!"
oh.. shit.. SPOZ's back.. I better go.. LOL.. PEACE OUT Y'ALL!! <3<3 ^_^
*ahem*.. sorry 'bout that folks.. Spoz here.. and seriously, next time some crazed Melbourne mexican-tribal-funk-metal act kidnaps me for a weekend on a roadtrip thru the hell holes of Adelaide, I really should lock the place up beforehand.. lest these idiots get control of the blog again.. (freakin' amateurs.. they're not even worth the M&M's I pay 'em)
anyhoo.. on with the sordid tale of my weekend brain damage.. I'll try and keep this brief.. it's been a fookin' uuuuuuge weekend.. *burp*THURSDAY NIGHT
random night of random drinking at JIVE and then later at the CROWN N ANCHOR for reasons that have since escaped me.. many jugs of beer involved.. other memories sketchy and unverified.. all other photographic records destroyed.. apparently it was all good tho'.. didn't wake up with any of my organs missing (which is always a good thing methinks)FRIDAY NIGHT
started the night off with a "colourblind" thai special at the central markets.. and no, they didn't actually call it the "colourblind" special.. it wuz just me mixing "Thai Red Beef Curry" with "Thai Green Chicken Curry" thinking I was some kinda freakin' culinery genius.. end result: something that tasted somewhat like a cheap mess of brown or grey.. (depending on your take on colour theory is) and worth every penny of the $7 I spent.. which really doesn't say much for how it tasted.. (yeah, fukkit I wuz too hungover to care anywaze.. hahaha!).. next time I'm here, I'm trying the chicken feet..
next stop - JIVE.. to see witness the audial carnage of SOFT WHITE MACHINE, TONY FONT SHOW and some schizophrenic idiot funk act from Melbourne called JIKA.. leave your brain at the door and dive right into the brews..
first up - SOFT WHITE MACHINE.. a no nonsense chugging juggernaut of swirling pendulum guitar riffs, squinting constipated howling vocals and british dance punk beats.. except.. nowhere near as shit as that description I just made.. yeah.. these bastards really blew shit the fuck up.. some say the best act of the night.. some still haven't recovered from the tinitis.. either way, you gotta respect a band that promotes itself by declaring on the mic between songs - "yeah, sorry guys.. um. we dont have any merchandise.. we dont have any cd's for sale.. and errr.. I don't think we even have a website or mailing list.. and shit.. um.. and we dont have a name for this next song.. so, how much do we rock!?".. yeah.. you guys DO rock.. just try and lay off the drugs mmmmkay? no.. on second thoughts.. take more.. I like to see where this leads you..
next up was the TONY FONT SHOW as the designated novelty act of the night all dressed as members of THE WIZARD OF OZ: DOROTHY, THE LION, THE SCARECROW and the TIN MAN were in attendance (although the jury is still out on whether the guitarist was actually dressed up as the TIN MAN or just realising his true potential as a shopping mall silver statue).. rumours abound that TOTO and the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST were also seen elsewhere in the venue making stains on the upstairs couches (they really should've had the dog neutered), but I will not confirm or deny any of these rumours..
Somewhat halfway thru their set with the drugs wearing off.. TONY FONT got a little freaked out with all the WIZARD OF OZ and changed outfits.. only to realise to their embarassment that they all came wearing their own band t-shirts (yoooou iidiots).. but hey.. despite (or as a result of) their circus antics.. they once again brought the hammering, shrieking and freaking funk to bring the house down.. complete with honking megaphone'esque vocal rants, spastic man bass playing, woogie percussive stupidity with the lead singer once again collapsing in a narcoleptic heap on the stage at the end of it all (he really should get that looked into).. definite highlight.. the song known simply as "HOOOOLD OOOOON.. SHEEEEE SAIIIID.. I DON'T FEEEEEL SOOOO GOOD!!".. yeah, you gotta love a song about drink spiking.. worked so well for the PRODIGY too.. ahahahahaha (yes.. the band really is gonna kill me).. but no, really.. go see these guys.. they fucken rock.. they're gonna go places.. they're gonna be huuuge in eastern europe, just you wait!
up last to kill the rest of the circus freaks off.. the headline act from Melbourne, JIKA.. and to describe this band in the simplist of terms for all you who missed it - imagine a more insane version of SYSTEM OF A DOWN on acid, suffering multiple personality disorders, attention deficit disorder, tourettes with a dash of amphetamine schitzophrenia.. sprinkle with bongo's, wacky mexican stonerisms and beat changes every 20 seconds.. and that's your band.. yeah.. I think there might've been an actual song or recogniseable hook in there somewhere if only I could place it.. kinda like channel surfing thru your entire iPOD collection at random with the volume turned way up.. but HOLY SHIT did it drive the kiddies insane.. random arms, legs, bodies and lunatic crowd surfers all thrown this way and that like a human washing machine.. it wuz a freakin' tornado in there and I'm damn glad I got out alive.. and sure.. the music didn't make a fuck lot've sense.. but it sure rocked this place like monkeys.. yeah.. ROCK!
following on the night of carnage with the freaks from JIKA (coz hey, it's like going on tour without even having to leave your home town) a small army of us piled on into the CROWN N ANCHOR drinking the place dry till the lights came on, got kicked out at 4AM only to then all pile into the tour van back to the base camp in MAGILL at 5AM with everyone drinking themselves into a drunken stupor till about noon the next day.. and sure, I could tell you what these lunatics got upto.. but on advisement from my lawyers.. well.. you get the idea ( "what happens on tour stays on tour" yada yada yada.. legal disclaimer.. etc etc..) although you'll notice a few hilarious photo's there that may begin to give you some clues as to what went on..
I finally made it home sometime Saturday afternoon.. and passed out for 3 hours sleep..
most memorable quote of the night going to TONY FONT SHOW, who exclaimed mid song "ooops there goes our deposit!".. yup.. I think that sums up the night for most of us freaks out there ;)SATURDAY NIGHT
with braincells scattered to the 4 winds.. but somehow still solid enough to string words into something resembling a conversation.. I headed out once again.. and since there were no actual defined gigs tonight (since all of Adelaide insisted on playing gigs on Friday.. yooooo baaastards.. and yes, SWEEPER I'm pointing my finger at you..) for larfs.. I went and saw a movie instead.. JIM CARREY's latest idiot film "FUN WITH DICK AND JANE".. and yeah, I could've given a definitive review here.. but, with my brain shredded up and none too three dimensional.. I'll just leave you with a 2 1/2 stars out've 4 rating and leave it at that (not his best work.. some smirk worthy moments.. straight to video release.. but netherless still serviceable)..
walking out of the cinema at the end.. and about due to pass out.. I headed to the CROWN N ANCHOR.. grabbed myself a beer to wake myself up (it's not logical, but trust me it works) and checked with my contacts to see where the insanity was at.. I soon discovered JIKA and a few of me friends had taken the tour van to some fuckoff idiot party in PROSPECT.. so, one beer and a taxi ride later, I arrived at my next destination..
I have no freakin' clue who's party it was.. or what the occassion was.. or.. no.. wait..? fuckit! who cares! it's a party.. it's summer.. who the fuck needs a reason!?.. either way.. kickarse setup.. these guys must've paid off all their neighbours or drugged 'em to a deep sleep with qualudes or somethin'.. coz the place wuz cranking at full volume.. they had this room setup inside lit up red like DEFCON 4.. filled with a fuckload of musical instruments, amps, microphone stands and 5-6 people tag-teaming a howling punk jam for hours on end.. I stepped in on the mic for an hour or two meself and tore my vocal chords raw, screaming a demented howling dirge to a backing of stabbing drums, shredding guitar (and wot'ever the fuck else) that has since left me ears ringing a high note of E.. I dunno where the hell my brain went.. but at some point I found myself channeling the UMPA LUMPA song from CHARLIE and the CHOCOLATE FACTORY.. only, the death metal version.. yeah.. carnage..
BBQ fired up somewhere around 1AM and I filled myself stupid with miscellaneous dead mammals and chicken bits.. till we finally piled everyone back into the van to return to the CROWN N ANCHOR (since by this point, the van had run dry of alcohol) we pissed on a drunken hurricane at the CRANKA for another few hours.. till finally.. unable to think straight or determine which direction was up or down.. I piled into the last late night bus home to pass out at about 4AM..SUNDAY NIGHT
final round.. round 4.. still surprisingly solid.. voice sounding like sawdust and scraped concrete.. once again finding myself at the CROWN N ANCHOR for a stoner lo-fi sunday acoustic set by HEATH WEBER and THE KEMP BROTHERS..
they were due to play at 6PM.. but due to a hilarious complication of missing cables, a misplaced mixer and misplaced audience.. it all finally got rolling an hour later after the mixer finally made his way back from SYDNEY..
cue random acoustic brain damaged noodlings, PA misfirings, broken guitar strings, cracked vocal chords and random drumming.. a few RYAN ADAMS covers.. some random stoner harmonisings.. a few pints of beer.. very much brain damaged and addled.. but just about the perfect sonic mix for the final round casualty comedown.. yeah.. every weekend should have a SUNDAY recovery gig like this to go to..
at the end of this whole mess.. 10:30PM.. I made my way home and collapsed a dribbling mess on the floor..
so.. there ya have it kiddies.. another weekend of beer fueled carnage thru the streets of ADELAIDE, with this much insanity going on.. one wonders why we have so many serial killers.. :)
next weekend? who knows..
send any and all gig suggestions to my email address.. or wot'ever..
and as for all those trainspotters out there, looking to keep score..
here's a list of the albums SPOZ chose to listen to whilst compiling this blog..
(collect the set!)
MAXIM - HELL's KITCHEN
GOLDFRAPP - BLACK CHERRY
SOULWAX - ANY MINUTE NOW
GERLING - WHEN YOUNG TERRORISTS CHASE THE SUN
THE MUSIC - WELCOME TO THE NORTH
MODEST MOUSE - GOOD NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO LOVE BAD NEWS
MOS DEF & TALIB KWELI - DEFINITION
that is all for now..
see ya on the flipside ya dodgy fukkas!
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Adventures Of Jughead And The 50ft Gorilla