THE ADVENTURES OF JUGHEAD AND THE 50FT GORILLA
hi kiddies! I'm back! did ya miss me? were you here waiting for my return? endlessly loading this page day after day looking for updates? every hour flicking that refresh button? itchy trigger finger tapping yourself into a browser tourettes? nails chewed to the core? hairs splitting and frayed? a crazed look of desperation? eyes bulged and bloodshot and flickering like a bug zapper? hoping.. yearning.. starving for any word from the SPOZ to stop that screaming in your head? could it be possible that you depend on this more than life itself? more than oxygen? huddled in the floor of your gutted out house.. furniture sold off.. light fixtures empty.. carpet torn up.. your television, cd's, dvd's and appliances long since pawned for a fix.. awash in the singular zombie glow of your computer monitor propped up on cinder blocks.. wired and crazed.. itching and crawling with imaginary insects.. a singular line of drool hanging from ya mouth, flapping in the breeze coming thru the gaps in the walls.. all waiting for the fateful day I finally decide to publish this latest report? are the methlab smackheads and longcoated cookie dusters roaming the back alleys freebasing this website and selling it all and sundry at a 500% markup? is my rant now available in freeze dried resin blocks? do I hold the life of millions in my hands? is this a life and death situation? if I stop.. do you all die? wot HAVE I created here? wot MADNESS have I UNLEASHED!!??
yup.. it used to be in years gone past that I could write any 'ol nonsense on this blog, safe in the knowledge that only an IDIOT would ever consider reading this.. but, obviously I've underestimated the power of the IDIOT..
the word is spreading.. and now they come in the hundreds, thousands, perhaps even millions to read this junk.. people recognise me in the streets now.. hooting and flapping their arms about screaming "heeeey duuude.. love yer BLOG!!!".. they were everywhere this weekend and they damn near freaked me out.. I can see it now.. before too long I'll need an entourage.. armed escorts.. secret service.. bullet proof vests.. armoured limo's with tinted bulletproof windows to block the sun.. they'll be chasing me down back alleys.. hunting me in packs.. a reverse paparazzi begging and clawing away at me like a hoard of Calcutta lepers, screaming for me to take their photographs so that they too can be immortalised in this here blog.. I might very well be the architect of my own destruction.. with the power to blog comes great responsibility..
hahaha.. yeah yeah.. I know what yer thinking - "spoz is getting carried away again".. fukkit.. look at the damn photo's already.. see if I care!
and once again.. for the benefit of all you germaphobes living in your hermetically sealed anti-viral bubble chambers, pissing into milk bottles, growing your fingernails and hair and cowering from the light.. here's your latest dose of vicarious living thru SPOZ's weekend that was..FRIDAY NIGHT
after wot felt like 2 weeks of suburban melancholy dragging my weary corpse thru the festive nihilism of XMAS EVE, XMAS DAY, BOXING DAY, NEW YEARS EVE and NEW YEARS DAY (with only a few scattering highlights to sustain me.. cheers guys, you know who you are!) I had the serious need for beer fueled carnage this night.. so it wuz just as well TONY FONT SHOW were playing a wacky set at the CROWN N ANCHOR tonight (aka: wot'ever the fuck you idiots want to call it now) otherwise I'd be packing some heat and heading for the nearest shopping centre to partake in some human stocktaking and indoor fireworks.. ooooh yeaah.. I could taste the beers all week.. all icey cold.. fresh poured from the keg in a cloud of frost.. beer glass dribbling with condensation and ice.. aaaaaah.. makes my liver run away screaming just thinking about it..
supporting the TONY FONT SHOW (or perhaps they were supporting someone else?) were a whole bunch of monkey-arse bands.. all probably really talented.. but I wuz so busy building a pyramid of pint glasses outside that I only popped in briefly to soak up a bit of LC3's set.. yeah.. don't know much about this band.. except (a) their bandname kinda sounds like a breakfast cereal (b) the lead singer looks like a mix between a 1950's refridgerator and a tree trunk (c) they feature TODD SMILEY MAN (our occassional SUBWOOFER dribbling stoner sound engineer guy) as a bass player.. and yeah.. they played a pretty damn functional set.. all gnashing and crazed with the guitars and the singing and wot'ever (hmmm I really should've paid more attention).. although.. I did sense something wuz a bit off when it appeared I wuz the only actual person in their audience.. or maybe this is the kinda band that appeals to geisha's and mimes..? hahaha.. um.. yeah.. still good gig tho'..
up next.. TONY FONT SHOW.. and by this point (many beers into the proceedings) I was beginning to confuse the theory of gravity with the theory of relativity.. reality was starting to unravel into an infinite number of rubber bands and it was all playing out on stage and bouncing off the walls for my own hallucinatory amusement.. so, what better place than to be at the front.. subject to a moshpit that treated everyone like pingpong balls to loaded mousetraps.. the whole set dissolving to liver stained amnesia, so it's just as well I scored a CD of their's so I can dissect what the hell it all meant afterwards.. they played like lunatics and the crowd went beserk for it like a pack of baboons on amphetamines.. and yet in some silly way I actualy preferred the set they played here a month ago (quite possibly coz I wuz actually sober enough to remember it.. hahaha).. is it possible I'm already living some kind've short term nostalgia in brain damage for weekends past? should I now observe a paragraph of silence for the long since absent MUNCHKIN gig..?
*sniff* it's been too long dammit! (hahahha.. yeah ok, now I'm just being an idiot..) oh, and all apologies to SWEEPER.. they had a gig on tonight.. but it clashed with TONY FONT SHOW.. and well.. um.. shit.. see the ugly choices I gotta make here? (if only every band in Adelaide didn't all play on the same DAMN night I wouldn't have this problem.. baaastards).. so, if you SWEEPER nuttas are reading (and I know you are).. drop me a comment.. lemme know how it went.. cool? and why didn't you freaks party on afterwards? wot's this insanity with going home before 2AM? huh!? wot happened to being a trainwreck at SHOTS till 5AM? (hmmm.. and as a sidenote, has everyone moved on from SHOTS now? just curious..)
the rest of the FRIDAY night was an alcoholic blur mostly spent talking gibberish backstage with the gathering freaks back there and downing endless jugs of beer.. all in all it wuz a night well spent making a dribbling mess of my innards.. nice one!SATURDAY NIGHT
tonight I went to see that big monkey film everyone is talking about - KING KONG.. and does anyone else find it funny that the director, PETER JACKSON is treated like this big legend now with all these academy awards n shit, when he was once this funny little director from New Zealand who was responsible for such classic 80's C-GRADE trash films as - MEET THE FEEBLES, BRAINDEAD and the infamous BAD TASTE? (if you haven't seen MEET THE FEEBLES do yourself a favour and hunt it down at the video store.. you'll never see the MUPPET SHOW or SESAME STREET in quite the same way again) and yet here he is now.. making these hollywood billion dollar epics like the LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy and KING KONG.. kinda keeps the dream alive for the rest of us idiots huh? go you big wacky bearded hobbit.. ROCK :)
as for the film itself.. yeah, it's freakin' kickarse.. and in a stupid way it's like the bloke's equivalent of a chick flick.. witness a big dumb hairy 50ft ape rampaging thru the jungle destroying shit on some nutty island.. getting captured and dragged all the way back to civilization.. only then to break free and rampage through new york city trashing everything in his wake all to seek out the tiny human women he loves.. yup.. the sorta film all us blokes can relate to.. coz hey, who DOESN'T feel like a dumb 50ft gorilla on a rampage anytime we try and get some tail? it's kinda tragic like romeo and juliet too.. except.. with a gorilla.. and a shitload more violence and wacky monsters.. oh.. and gollum gets eaten alive by disgusting looking lampreys! HELL YEAH! it's kinda dumb as hell.. it plays like a rollercoaster ride (the plot, although faithful to the original 1930's concept.. is kinda retarded and simple).. but yeah, the actings brilliant.. the characters are brilliant.. the effects are freaking bugged out.. the gorilla rocks.. gollum gets eaten.. I mean.. shit maaan.. go see it already..
after the film.. I staggered down to the CRANKA (for a second night running) and proceeded to kill myself with beer with a group of gathering friends and freaks.. and well.. as funny as it would be to mention wot happened here.. I wont mention wot went on here.. or who was present.. coz as they say - "wot happens on a drunken Crown N Anchor alcohol binge.. stays at the Crown N Anchor.." (at least until they hose it all out afterwards.. hahahaha).. cue many jugs of beer.. tiny bottles of tequila.. and making a total trainwreck of meself at the end of it all.. niiiice.. :)
yup.. that's all for this weekend..
and for those of you curious, here's the sunday night recovery soundtrack I played over my stereo in compiling this nonsense (giving you an idea of how long it takes me to write these damn things..)
POSTAL SERVICE - GIVE UP
GROOVE TERMINATOR - ELECTRIFYING MOJO
THE STREETS - ORIGINAL PIRATE MATERIAL
THE DOVES - THE LAST BROADCAST
and as for all you multitude of lunatics who read this blog (I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE).. how 'bout leaving a comment for once? SHOW ME SOME FREAKIN' APPRECIATION DAMMIT!! ;)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: 'Tis The Season To Be Alcoholic