LIKE A BLISTER IN THE SUN
there are many ways to skin a cat - a blunt knife, a sharp knife, a long serated knife, an electric carving knife, a picnic knife, some kinda ice cream scoop, one of those tiny sherbet spoons that always traps the white powder just where ya tongue can't reach it (don't ya just hate that?), a spork, an aggressive spatula, something you buy from IKEA and can't assemble since your missing the correct size alan key, a 16th century samurai sword, a swiss army knife (weird to think they come with USB drives now), or maybe one of them deli meat-slicers.. just position the cat and let the swirling blades rip.. hmmm.. ouch.. yes.. odd bit of violent mental imagery there aye? and let me just state in writing this that I have nothing against cats or any other such felines equivalents, hey, some of my best friends are cats (well, no.. shit.. seriously wot the fuck am I saying?), just think cartoon cats.. in one scene the dynamite blows them to bits.. next scene they're perfectly fine and working on complex engineering blueprints.. hmmmm.. brain hitting random tangents.. blender full of puppies? where's the on switch? hahahaha.. the RSPCA is gonna kill me.. but really, if you or PETA, or any kinda crazy neighborhood cat-lady consortium wish to kill me for this.. get in line.. all of Adelaide's music scene already has assassins after me for all the jokes I make about them anywaze..
and on a totally random tangent, I read somewhere that they once asked the last few remaining cannibalist tribes living in Papau New Guinea "hey, wot do humans taste like?" and they'd reply "just like pork" which is really something to think about next time you bite into a ham sandwich (or enough to make you go full vegan).. oh and if you ever find yourself in France in need of ham sandwich just say "je voudrais le sandwich au jambon".. seriously.. after 3 years of learning that damn language in high school.. that's ALL I can remember.. just don't ask for it in Algeria, or you could get randomly decapitated.. hmmmm.. pigs, they may be the 9th most intelligent animal on earth but that doesn't make them any less tasty!
yup.. heatwaves do funny things to your thought processes.. skin a cat.. boil a cat.. boil an egg.. fuckit, throw ME in a saucepan and boil me for all I care.. flip me over both sides in beer batter and chuck me in the deep fryer.. stick my head in the oven turn on the gas and when the swirling toxins fill the ceiling throw in that lit match.. either way, it's gotta be better than living the last few days in this howling inferno.. apparently it takes more than 3 consecutive days over 40 degrees C (104F) before you have an offical heatwave.. and apparently this week we finally qualified for one.. the first one since 1943 too? last time we could've blamed the nazi's.. this time? who knows.. George W Bush.. right wing governments? the Illuminati? WTO? Colonel Sanders? Global Warming? (hmmmm can't be that.. isn't that a myth just like evolution, the aids virus and the theory of gravity? ahahaha.. yeah, still doesn't stop intelligent design dammit!) yup.. it's all just the same shit just with snazzier uniforms.. all those ostriches with their heads in the sand.. and here's a thought, if cats can eat catnip then why is marijuana still illegal?
that's right kiddies, there's nothing here but us chickens cooking like a blister in the sun.. so, it's probably best for you to run the fuck out've here before I start referencing lyrics to other Violent Femme songs.. and as you make your way hastily for the exit.. take a look at my weekend photos! :)
first off.. I begin with a small gripe directed to the live music venues of Adelaide.. dudes.. seriously.. WOULD IT KILL YOU TO GET SOME FUCKIN' DIFFERENT COLOUR STAGE LIGHTING FOR ONCE!!? seriously.. look at 90% of my live band photo's.. notice a consistency? they're all freakin' RED maaan!.. every fucking gig.. those same damn RED LIGHTS!! I mean, shit.. are red lights that much cheaper than the blue ones? is RED just that much more ROCK!? is the red meant to keep us more vigilant and in a constant state of alert? "report all suspicious bass player behaviour to our 24 hour hotline! keep your fridge magnets handy just in case!".. is it designed so musicians can't can't find a vein and shoot up heroin midsong? yeah.. seriously.. I'm getting so freakin' sick of RED lighting at all these gigs.. and YES, JIVE.. I'm talking about YOU! GIVE THE POOR PHOTOGRAPHER a BREAK, make his day and change shit up from time to time.. k?
anyhoo.. *ahem* now I got that outta my system.. here's the weekend that wuz..FRIDAY NIGHT
a night of neandering randomness.. featuring.. a) idiotically drunken sunset frisbee in the east parklands b) drinkin' meself into a mexican beer stupor at TEQUILAREA (look up "Dos Equis", and no.. it's not some kinda computer nerd's equestrian beer.. it's actually some alright shit to drink) and finally onto c) NEW POLLUTANTS at THE CROWN N SCEPTRE..
and.. without a doubt.. in a long list of the most stupid things I could (and did) do this weekend.. the NEW POLLUTANTS gig wuz definitely right up there at the top.. on a night where it was 42 degrees outside (108 F), inside the venue it felt like at least 55 (130 F), packed out to the ceiling with hooting pogo-ing lunatics wafting out that distinctive fried chicken smell of human decay.. the sorta environment where breathing makes you sweat a river and keep sweating like a faucet constantly skolling down jug after jug of ice water just to keep up with the demand.. yeah.. damn messy stuff.. dunno how the fuck I survived it.. and with all those (RED) stage lights bearing down on them.. I got no fucking clue how the NEW POLLUTANTS survived it either..
still.. as NEW POLLUTANT gigs go.. it wuz a worthy send off.. equal parts cartoon cheese, 8bit ATARI game soundtrack and brutal crunched out industrial two tone funk jams.. yeah.. there wuz definitely some fucken cool sounds here.. (and a few I could've done without) but either way, I'm gonna miss you freaks.. best of luck with yer future endeavours n shit aye?
after the gig.. resembling someone who'd been thrown into a swimming pool with all my clothes on.. except none of it was water.. (and not all of it wuz necessarily mine.. eeeeew..) I decided to head my way home and pass out, dissolving in a puddle mess on the floor..SATURDAY NIGHT
equally insane howling furnace of a hot night in the city.. and I was here to witness MIRRORLINE's CD launch at JIVE.. staggered in just in time to catch one of the support acts 1QA from Melbourne.. a damn quality full throttle screaming indie band.. and it wuz only sometime later today recovering from my hangover that I realised the name "1QA" could actually be pronounced "WANKER".. yeah.. yooz guys are hilarious.. and you make for yet another in a long list of humourous band names that will later come to haunt you when the name starts to ring true with your rock and roll cocaine lifestyle.. "in the future.. there'll be no men and women only wankers!" yup.. just ask FRANZ FERDINAND (hahahaha.. kidding.. or AM I?) still, dont get me wrong.. 1QA.. damn good band.. you guys rock.. the lead singer damn near killed himself up there.. so, much respect! look out for 'em if you live in Melbourne.. they blow shit up.. yeah.. rock!
up next.. MIRRORLINE.. and without fail everytime these crazy kids play they deliver in spades - on stage they're like a pack of wild dogs going beserk thru a butcher shop.. witness the wailing feedback solo's.. stabbing interludes.. the howling.. the flailing.. the screaming.. the insanity.. the gnashing chords.. all a class act.. a freakin' emotional washingmachine that puts all those wimpy little emo's to shame.. yeaah.. nice one! oh.. and for all those trainspotters keeping track of such things.. I bought their new EP at the gig.. featuring the infamous "MONKEY FUCKING TRIANGLE" song (yes.. the infamous song I accidently named once blind drunk at one of their JADE MONKEY gigs) except now, the song's called "THE BUSKER".. but, trust me.. ask for "monkey fucking triangle" at their next gig.. and they'll know wot yer on about.. ;)
after the gig.. my brain had just about died from accumilative heat exhaustion.. but wuz convinced to drag on otherwise.. stopping in for random beers at ENIGMA and then at THE ROCKET BAR (well.. at least I think it was!?).. I then proceeded to miss 2 late night buses home (coz the idiot driver of the western suburbs bus was apparently "new" to the route and forgot my stop existed, NNNNNNAAAAARRRGHH!!!).. finally.. a few hours later in a total heat-haze alcohol delirium I find myself at the CRANKA sinkin' a few last beers and making a total muppet of meself on the dancefloor.. eventually I piled myself into a taxi somewhere past 4:30AM (about 4 hours after my brain had since given up and left the building).. and promptly passed out after falling thru my front door..
all in all.. it wuz just damn well too freakin' hot to be insane enough to be out on the town drinking beer.. and I think most of Adelaide had the right idea and did wot I in my right mind should've done.. but hey.. wot's a rock pig like meself to do? stay home and watch videos!? FUCK THAT!
up next weekend? pray for an ICE AGE!
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Warning: May Contain Traces Of Nuts