GONE TO THE DOGS
this weekend ranting of post drunken gibberish is dedicated to the billion or so of you wacky chinese out there who've been celebrating THE YEAR OF THE DOG this weekend by denotating enough ear drum splitting fireworks to provide the energy needs for a small country.. yes, that's right kiddies it's HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL OVER AGAIN!! HAPPY NEW YEAR OF THE DOG!! GET A DOG UP YUZ!! GO BARKING INSANE!! HOWL AT THE MOON! PISS ON RANDOM TREES AND CHASE DOWN TRAFFIC!! EEEEEEEEAAAAAAUAUAUUAUAUUAUAUAAHH!!
*ahem*.. yeah, anywaze.. as you can see everything went to the dogs this weekend..
here's some photo's..
and now for all the nonsense mumbo jumbo of the weekend that was..THURSDAY
Australia Day.. a day to worship the basic tenants of our glorious society.. MEAT, BEER, FIRE and the drunken playing of CRICKET.. oh.. and apparently also liberal doses of heatstroke, drunken pseudo lesbianism and bucket bongs.. but that's a totally unrelated tangent. (hmmm.. dunno why I brought it up really)
went to BBQ thingy at HEATH's today with a drunken selection of colourful idiots.. vaguely tuning into TRIPLE J's hottest 100 radio countdown thing.. remarking on just how much a joke it has become.. I mean.. seriously.. HOW THE FUCK DID BERNARD FANNING's SOLO RECORD GET THE #! SPOT!!?? sure.. I mean.. the song's kinda ok.. but #1!!?? wot the fuck is going on there!!?? (although, hilarious to see that he beat his mortal enemy BEN LEE who came in #2 spot with the much more annoyingly catchy "CATCH MY DISEASE" song..) and I seriously could've sworn that GORILLAZ would've got number one with "FEEL GOOD".. but hey.. I've been wrong about this shit before..
much drinking of beer.. eating of dead animal carcasses.. fighting over the stereo.. and the playing of cricket.. staggering home all stupid and dribbling somewhere past midnight..FRIDAY NIGHT
went to see the movie UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION.. mostly on the merits of seeing KATE BEKINSALE in skintight black leather fucking shit up with guns to the accompanyment of ridiculously overblown CGI tweaked head decapitating blood n gore.. coz really.. that's pretty much all the movie had to offer.. and if I wuz you.. I'd much rather be swiping this movie for $2 off one of them bootleg DVD stalls in Thailand than waste $15 in the cinema.. but hey.. each to their own.. apparently this movie topped the box office in the USA in the first weekend.. go figure huh?
after leaving the cinema around 11:30PM.. I was seriously considering fucking off home and making for an early one.. but considering how blank this'd make my weekend blog.. I thought I'd make the effort and go see some shit.. so, I headed on down to Hindley St to check out a new live music venue called THE ROCKET BAR (well.. at least new to me..) apparently they were having some cheesyarse FRINGE BENEFIT gig to gather funds for some art exhibition or some shite.. and thus the place wuz packed to the ceiling with all these colourful uber cool art school intellectual twats.. quite an entertaining crowd to mix with if you happen to know how to talk as much shit as they can about ANDY WARHOL, JEAN BAUDRILLARD, MARCEL DUCHAMP and fuck.. I dunno.. NOAM CHOMSKY.. (yeah, no really.. I got no fucking clue either) although I was having none of that.. since I wuz here all anonymous n shit.. (most of my usual drunken hoard were home this weekend saving money for the BIG DAY OUT next weekend..)
I was here to see 2 bands - MY SISTER THE COP and ARTAX MISSION who were still yet to play out've the long lineup that probably began sometime after 6PM.. the place wuz packed out by midnight so I actually had to lineup outside and twiddle me thumbs on a cellphone game of FLINSTONES BOWLING for 10 minutes until I was let in and proceeded to climb the everest 2 flights of stairs into the place (if they were any steeper, this place would require oxygen tanks and a sherpa to get in.. maybe that could be a gimmic they could look into?)
first up.. MY SISTER THE COP.. which could be summed up as yet another one of those crazed post-punk / prog-rock / art-freakout acts that seem to be multiplying like rabbits of late.. wot with all the random tempo switching drumming.. unstructured screaming.. wailing riffage.. keyboard weirdness.. and the occassional hint of something that actually resembles normal song structure till the whole thing self destructs again in a sea of noise.. they're actually quite damn good if yer into that thing.. although I did get the inkling impression that I wuz not nearly cool enough to "understand" this band.. or be worthy to get drunk in it's presence.. still.. go check out these guys at the BIG DAY OUT.. apparently they're playing it.. yeah.. rock!
second up.. ARTAX MISSION.. I'd seen these dudes already a few months ago at JIVE when they played some CD launch for WOLF N CUB.. back then, I figured they were some wacky wall of sound experimentalist bongrock act (I swear I could only hear the one song that stretched out for a full 30 minutes at that set) this time however.. they actually started to make more sense.. if walls of noise were to be stacked up in successive layers like dominos only to destabilize and crash around my head.. then it'd sound just like this band.. which y'know.. could be considered a good thing depending if thats yer thing or not.. thankfully after the 4th or 5th beer it wuz definitely working for me.. but that was possibly also due to the seriously cool bass player chick, watching her thrash around like a psychotic stick insect.. yeah.. damn cool stuff.. apparently 1/2 of the songs were written about existentialist angst and things waay too intellectual for mere mortals to understand.. but it still sounded pretty damn freaking cool.. even if the name of the band references the NEVER ENDING STORY (no really.. apparently ARTAX is the name of a horse in the movie or somethin'.. yeah.. it kinda cracked me up when I found out too..) either way.. I'd recommend these guys.. it might help if yer blitzed out've yer skull to really enjoy 'em.. but they do good stuff.. :)
after the bands finished.. and the swarms of people all filed out've the venue.. falling down the flights of stairs like lemmings.. I made my way down to the CRANKA.. sinking a final beer.. before finding myself on the last cheaparse latenight bus home.. and sinking out've consciousness..SATURDAY NIGHT
not much to report tonight.. just went off to NOVA, to see the movie, THE ARISTOCRATS.. a little documentary about a "secret handshake" amongst standup comedians.. a joke known simply as "THE ARISTOCRATS".. infamous for being one of the most FOUL, VILE, DISGUSTING, INSULTING and thus crudely hilarious jokes ever told.. and not to give away any secrets.. but the structure of the joke is as follows..
"this guy goes into a talent agent's office.. and says.. "DO I HAVE AN ACT FOR YOU!!"
(proceed to describe the most ridiculous and exaggerated act of obscenity.. involving wherever possible - shit, piss, grotesque sexual dysfunction, pets, family members alive and dead (incest wherever possible) and all sorts of ridiculous ultraviolence and anything that pushes the line of wot you could say without getting arrested..)
after all this insanity is described.. end with the line..
"so, whats the act called?"
apparently.. the more ridiculous the act.. the sillier the anticlimax punchline sounds.. eh.. comedians aye? go figure.. still not a bad movie tho'..
since my usual drunken entourage this weekend wuz otherwise out've action (BIG DAY OUT next weekend.. everyone's stockpiling their drugs well in advance), after the movie at 11PM I made it an early night, piling into a bus and home soon after..
weird to think THIS counts as a quiet weekend for me.. but, there ya have it.. on the weekend of the CHINESE NEW YEAR.. everything goes to the dogs.. ;)
and in closing, here's something to contemplate..
I once read somewhere that when we domesticated the dog to make them all loyal n obedient n shit (breeding all their wild and dangerous instincts out've them) we reduced them to the intellectual level of canine idiots.. puppies that grow up to be adults with the mind of puppies.. so they lost all the normal language skills their wild ancestors had.. which would normally be useful in hunting and eating us humans.. without THEIR language.. WE could control them and train them..
so, as a result.. when you hear them barking in your street.. barking at you.. at other dogs.. at the traffic.. or at nothing at all in particular.. all they're really saying in their confused puppy brains is "FUCK OFF COME HERE!! FUCK OFF COME HERE!! FUCK OFF COME HERE!!" over and over.. so if your dog looks a bit silly with their tongue sticking out and a glazed expression on their face.. now you know why..
which makes me wonder.. considering how much civilization has also domesticated us.. what basic skills have we lost? how stupid have WE become?
HAPPY NEW YEAR OF THE DOG EVERYONE!! :)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Like A Blister In The Sun