'TIS THE SEASON TO BE ALCOHOLIC
yeah, I know you.. I know what you're all thinking.. you were thinkin' I'd take this weekend off.. you were thinkin' I'd go on hiatus, piss off on some aimless festive holiday tangent and leave you poor sods with nothing but a blank screen to stare till new years.. yeah.. you were thinking that in your desperate time of need, as you spend christmas day in a narcoleptic post turkey / goldfish gulping haze fighting off drunken relatives staring at the walls, that I'd abandon you.. you thought I'd leave you all with nothing.. yeah.. you think I'm a right heartless bastard dontcha? you don't think I care about you at all do ya? you think I'm made of stone dontcha? yeah.. I know you.. I can see you all screaming at your computer screens.. "REFRESH!! REFRESH YA DAMN SPINELESS MONKEY!! C'MON YA FUCK!! REFRESH!!! I NEEEEED MY BLOG FIX!! FEEED ME YA BAAAASTARD!!! C'MON!! YAAA FUCK!! AUAUUAUAUAAAAAAGGGHHH!!".. banging at yer computer screens in a cold sweat, pacing the room, nervously twitching and yelling at inanimate objects like a smack addict chihuahua.. yeah.. you guys kinda scare me.. perhaps I SHOULD take that holiday and get the fuck away from all you maniacs: all crooked teeth, stringy hair and wild staring eyes (no wait.. that's just my reflection, my apologies).. how DID I attract such a lunatic farm of brain dysfunctions to this site in the first place!? did I create this monster? was it all my fault? is this blog habit forming? is it a crime against humanity? a crime against nature? an affront to the angry sky demons? should I have a warning label? dammit.. WHO's GONNA THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?
damn, guess there's no turning back.. guess I'm stuck with you lunatics now, huh? so.. please.. for the sake of everyone involved.. loosen that vice like grip on that gun.. flick the saftey back on.. move that barrel away from your computer screen.. take a moment to breathe.. and chill the fuck out.. SPOZ's RANT isn't going anywhere.. coz even in the silliest of hat wearing pseudo religious festivals of consumerist excess.. we still deliver the goods..
so, sit back, sort it, roll it, seal it and light it.. and enjoy the unfolding chaos that wuz yet another of SPOZ's weekends..
for the record - my brain is somewhat severly stunted after the psychedelic beer fueled carnage of Friday night (especially without the "hair-of-the-dog" luxury that Saturday night usually affords).. so excuse the disjointed nature of the narrative.. (I'm sure you'll make sense of all this somehow.. :)FRIDAY NIGHT
after the massacre that wuz midweek xmas shopping in the city, spending all the last shreds of money I didn't have on all the silly shit that nobody in their right mind would ever want.. I poked around the scattered survivors in my wallet: a few coins here, one or two blue notes there.. thinking surely there was no way in hell I could go out with this..? there was no way I could make a night out've this? these were not magic beans, red pills or golden tickets.. I only had $26.. wot the FUCK was I thinking? and yet.. dunk me in liquid nitrogen, set me on fire and call me insane.. coz I went out anywaze.. for such is the way of the rock pig.. when there's a will there's always a way..
first stop... a smelly little lounge bar called CHERRY BOMB, in what was formerly the "GOLDEN TRIANGLE" THAI restaurant on Hindley St next to ENIGMA.. I think I really preferred it when the place was a restuarant.. coz dammit.. the food here used to ROCK.. and it wuz like seconds away from JIVE, ENIGMA, WORLDSEND and SUPERMILD.. spicey food in near proximity to beer? how could you go wrong? and why the FUCK would we need another lounge bar when ELYSIUM LOUNGE is only just across the road? wot the FUCK were these people thinking?
and yet.. ignoring all my bullshit.. the place wuz kinda alright.. sure it wuz only 7:30PM and I wuz just visiting there to kidnap a friend (and not for the ambience).. but hey.. if I wuz tripping balls on pills at 2AM.. and the DJ wuz crankin' some dope tunes.. I might really dig a place like this.. or somethin'.. yeah.. fuckit.. onto the next venue..
next stop, FOWLERS LIVE.. formerly known as THE MUSIC HOUSE, formerly known as THE LION ARTS BAR, formerly known as the venue formely known as wot'ever the fuck.. hmmm.. I think there's a point in here somewhere.. but fukkit.. it's not important.. we were here to catch some wacky fuckoff nutty XMAS GIG thingy.. featuring DAY ON FIRE, DAIRY BROTHERS, SUMI, LAZARO's DOG and HIGH STAKES.. and apparently also featuring all sorts of silly shit like SURLY SANTA, FEMALE ARM WRESTLING, BBQ, MEAT TRAY RAFFLES and DRUM SOLO CONTESTS.. hmmmm.. odd.. I didn't see any of that.. maybe some nutjob outside near the toilets cooking up some bacteria in smallgoods.. but that wuz about it.. hmmm.. just as well the band lineup wuz kickarse..
first band - DAY ON FIRE.. by all accounts a really really good band.. if.. y'know.. howling EMO is yer thing.. and sure.. it seemed to please the crowd of sad sack teenagers crowding at the front swaying like mental patients and throwing 'emselves off the stage.. but something really didn't grab me here.. it really didn't feel enough like XMAS.. perhaps with a bit of tinkering in the lab for the next 12 months they could come up with XMAS EMO.. or.. on second thoughts.. maybe not.. (I could've sworn I saw THE USED cover JOHN LENNON once and that wuz bad enough).. still.. these crazy cats were a damn good band that's likely to go places if you consider the plague proportion of EMO kids multiplying around these ere parts for the last year or so.. (perhaps there's a pesticide for that?) yeah.. rock on guys, please don't kill me :)
next band, the bane of lactose intolerant people everywhere - THE DAIRY BROTHERS.. which yes, by all accounts is a dairy themed band.. coz hey.. nobody's done that before so why the fuck not? and yeah.. these lunatics really go off (especially if left unrefridgerated in the sun) - equal parts cheese rock, yoghurt indiepop and ice-cream headache riffing glamrock intensity.. featuring the sublime talent of an idiot with a cow's head.. with songs like "I'M JUST A HEAD IN A JAR".. and "THE WORLD IS BEING TAKEN OVER BY BABOONS" (or something like that) they really whipped the crowd into a buttery frenzy.. although, it may take some effort to get that smell out've the venue afterwards.. (especially after wot the the cow wuz doing in the crowd.. wow.. wot an udder disgrace.. AHAHAHAHHAHAHA!)
up next - SUMI.. at which point I buggered off, grabbing me a fungus pizza monstrosity on Bank St, thus missed their entire set.. hmmm.. anyone catch these freaks? were they any good?
the next band up was the real highlight of the night - LAZARO'S DOG.. apparently playing their first (and obviously last) gig for the year.. and beyond all the dick and fart jokes, cheesy keyboard solo's, piano accordians, lunatic dancing freaks in bear suits, that dude with the cow's head (again) and those 2 bikini chicks with the plastic toy guns.. this band wuz really one to to experience in utmost severity and seriousness.. behold all the subtle political undertones, the myriad lyrical subtexts.. the dick and fart gags.. yeah.. LAZARO's DOG can really teach us something about the world if only we just stop and listen.. (if only they'd play more often, dammit!) oh.. and that dude in the bear suit wuz a freakin' MANIAC.. hate to say it.. but CENTRAL DELI BAND's bear doesn't hold a burning bag of poo to the insanity that this performing bear cooked up.. humping everyone in sight.. getting his groove on.. like HUMPHREY B BEAR on AMPHETAMINES and VIAGRA.. scary.. this lunatic has really set the standard for all future performing bears to beat.. yes, be afraid.. be VERY afraid of wot these bears will think of next..
after LAZARO's left the stage.. and some helpful barflies hosed the place out.. we came to the last act of the night - HIGH STAKES.. Adelaide's answer to the CASANOVA's (who are Melbourne's answer to AC/DC) except now they all live in Sydney (arrr fuckit) either way.. if ya want the experience of being thrown into a oversized rock tumbler whilst a team of drill seargents scream and lay punches at you.. then this is the party band for you.. in most of their gigs.. it's usually just the lead singer who takes his shirt off like a crazy man to stagger around like a retarded drunk.. and yet, in this gig.. for reasons I can't quite understand.. the entire band joined in.. took their shirts off and ran around like a hairy gorilla squad.. so, yeah.. it got a bit messy up there.. and the smell at the front whilst trying to take photo's? eeeeeeesh.. but still.. these crazy bastards, like always, totally blew the roof off the dump.. and for that.. I salute you.. ROCK!!!
after all this mess.. with a few late entrants turning up (hi RENEE! long time no see!) a bunch of us idiots all shuffled off to the CRANKA and pissed on.. finally after 4AM or so.. I found meself home..SATURDAY NIGHT
spent the night, braindead.. writing this ere blog.. coz fuck duuude.. it's xmas freakin' eve.. even I have my limits!
but yeah.. all in all.. not a bad weekend out.. ;)
and to all you lunatics reading this on XMAS day (or wot'ever fuck else northern-hemisphere-winter-solstice-festival-of-quasireligious-silly-hats-and-overeating you choose to follow) have a freakin' MERRY / FESTIVE / EUPHORICALLY PISSY one.. y'hear? GO FREAKIN' NUTS YO! YOU DESERVE IT! :)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Wolves At The Door