TALES FROM THE FOREST OF GNOMES
yeah.. first off, this weekend post has nothing to do with the band WOLFMOTHER.. despite the fact, that yes.. the more observant of you have noticed I stole one of their song titles for the heading of this ere post.. and sure I'm being told lately by every dickhead and their dog, local stoners, street press and rollingstone magazine that their album really really rocks and I'm being told I should buy it or I'll die of some kinda flesh eating monkey virus.. but yeah.. enough already with the WOLFMOTHER promo.. coz seriously this post has nothing to do with 'em.. and ok, while we're still on this tangent, seriously.. wot the FUCK is up with all these bands recently with the word "WOLF" in their title? WOLF AND CUB, WOLFMOTHER and now this new one I just spotted recently from Canada called WOLF PARADE..? wot da fuck is going on here? is "WOLF" the new thing for bands now? is everyone bored of slapping the word "PATROL" or "FIRE" or "THE" into their band names? should we milk this for all it's worth and rename our band to "WOLF AND SUB"? would that finally mean we'd get more than 3 people to our gigs? maybe actually start pulling some hot chicks in our crowds instead of just those same scary matrix wannabee freaks with the trenchcoats? "no, for the millionth time.. take the red pill and fuckoff already!" (although we do like to encourage the crazy stoners with the trenchcoats coz at least they come supplied with the funky herbals..) perhaps we could be really tragically emo.. coz obviously all them myspace
kiddies dig that shit now.. and then we could show timelapse backwards black n white film footage of wolves rotting away to dust like NINE INCH NAILS at our gigs while we scream about the really intense emo pain of acne and parents who don't understand us.. sure we'd be really whiny little emo bitches with bad hair.. but DAMN we'd get some serious play.. although seriously.. who'd want emo chicks? and how'd you even be certain they were chicks anywaze? and not sexually ambigiuous whiny little gits with shitty hair? yup.. making fun of emo kids.. endless hours of fun..
and wot the fuck has any of this shit got to do with this weekend? well.. I dunno.. I like GNOMES.. GNOMES are funny.. GNOMES make great paperweights.. GNOMES make great catapult projectiles.. GNOMES look really cool as fuck if you shatter 'em with a cricket bat with a high speed film camera then play it in slo-mo.. GNOMES are frequent flyers to faraway lands.. GNOMES can predict the future and do your tax returns.. GNOMES are the future.. it's aaall about the GNOMES baaaby.. come back to my place and I'll show you my GNOME.. GNOME, see how it rolls off yer tongue? (hmm.. linking those last 2 sentences together = bad idea)
yeah.. fuckit.. I got no idea.. look at the damn photo's already, stop asking me all these silly GNOME questions and leave me alone dammit! "I'm no EMO.. but my pain is no liiiieee.. all the girls haaate meee and I don't know wwwwwhhhyyyyyy.. I stubbed me toe and it makes me wanna diiiiiiee!! EEEYUAUAUAUAAAHA!"
and now, quite obviously an explanation is in order here.. so, here in my most stoner vague'est of terms.. is the weekend that was..FRIDAY NIGHT
went to CRANKA, drank beers..
went to SHOTS.. drank beers..
went back to CRANKA again.. drank beers..
no GNOMES spotted..
world saved from untimely GNOME disaster..
wondered wot the hell it all meant but had stupid drunken fun anywaze..
took 2AM late-night bus and fucked off home..SATURDAY NIGHT
went to the GOVERNOR HINDMARSH to see a few bands.. DAY ON FIRE, 200 MOTELS (band formerly known as KIM ROBERTS BAND) and MUNCHKIN.. yup.. that's right it's MUNCHKIN again.. yeah yeah, I know I should still be running with that "lets call 'em the GNOMES" schtick (I know they love that shit) but I fucked the whole thing up in beginning of this blog post when I used up all those GNOME jokes.. weird.. I never thought I could run out've jokes about GNOMES.. just like MONKEYS.. the comedy is endless.. fuck.. now I've gone and done it.. wot the hell do I call them now? the HOBBITS? the LEPRECAUNS? the VERTICALLY-CHALLENGED FUNK EXPERIMENTS? DWARFISM? THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING? (ok.. that's wrong) damn.. I'm stumped (hahaha! STUMPED!) and seriously it's not like they're even short either.. arrr fuckit.. I'll call 'em MUNCHKIN.. at least till I can make fun of 'em in some other subtely idiotic way..
anyhoo.. I've got the distractive brain of a hummingbird.. so.. back on track.. first up.. DAY ON FIRE.. yeah.. that's all I can really say about them.. they must've been a good band but once again the evil lure of the foozball table kept me focus distracted elsewhere.. I also remembered I was busy at the time using up about a million free drink passes I'd accumilated over the past few months from W SHANE FORSTER at the bar.. (yeah.. free beer.. frosssty..) but.. by all accounts.. this band wuz one of those um.. I dunno.. intense angry rock band / metal / screamo? kinda bands that all them myspace kids go crazy for.. yeah.. myspace.. don't ask.. I don't wot the fuck it all means either.. and we've got a space
up next.. KIM ROBERTS BAND.. except they were replaced by evil replicants who called themselves 200 MOTELS.. yeah.. I got no idea wot the deal with the band name is either.. but hey.. it's nowhere near as bad as calling yer band "TENDAHOOK" so maybe it'll serve 'em well in the years to come.. and yes, 'twas a damn good gig by the all accounts (well, expcet for that guy at the back, but we buried him in the car park.. so no complaints).. couldn't quite remember wot the hell they sounded like coz the free beer wuz having it's effect on me at this point. but.. all in all.. good stuff.. you guys rock!
finally up to headline the gig.. THE GNOMES.. oops.. I mean MUNCHKIN (dang.. did it again).. and sure they were playing in a tiny corner of a room with crazy red lighting.. and sure the PA wuz a bit crappy.. and sure we were packt like sardines in a crushd tin box (not a spelling mistake, but clever RADIOHEAD song reference).. but DAMN did these crazy liliputians rock.. I almost got killed at the front trying to take photos as I wuz hit in the head with flying shoe projectiles by a cheerfully erratic KALIAH (yeah.. thanks for that one.. much appreciated.. in return, I've posted a photo of yer feet.. so, ha! TAKE THAT!) and anytime I'd duck into a crazy low angle position to get some cool photo angles I wuz simultaneously attacked by 100 other idiots at the front with digital cameras blinding me with flashbulbs.. cuz.. apparently now everyone else thinks they can be a potential photographer for RollingStone magazine too.. (seriously, wot gives them that idea? oh.. yeah.. that's right.. me bragging about it.. yup, I'm gonna look like a real idiot when THAT falls thru aren't I?).. yeah.. it wuz a little hazardous to my health to be that close to the non-existent stage.. KALIAH wuz jumping around like one of those japanese kids cartoons that causes seizures.. DALE looked like he was about to fall over in a drug fueled coma.. and the rest of 'em were working the whole electro-indiepop circus like demented puppets.. but yeah.. really.. despite how hairy it wuz up front.. it wuz a great gig.. I got totally destroyed drunk.. apparently so did everyone else.. yeah.. niiice one.. plus.. once again.. the new songs freaking rock.. "DENY YOUR HERE" goes fookin' off yo..
somewhat minutes after MUNCHKIN's set.. about to drink a beer.. I wuz kidnapped, thrown into a car.. and whisked away to the CROWN N ANCHOR.. it seemed like a real good idea at the time, but in hindsight I really don't quite understand why the hell I went there and didn't stay at the GOV where apparently 90% of the people decided to stay for the rest of the night (d'oh!).. but hey.. despite me almost starting a fight with 2 itchy trigger finger metalheads at the cranka.. spending hours staring at a pool table with a glazed expression on me face and getting more and more twitchy and crazed attempting to play SMS hockey to get more people over from the GOV when I should've still been at the GOV.. (me: "craaaaaaaankaaa!", them: "piiiiizzaaaa!", me: "craaaanka!", them: "reaaally really stoned.. and.. pizzaaaaaa!!", me: "arrr fuckit.. I'm going home!" ) yeah.. despite all this.. it wuz good fun.. no really.. just.. y'know.. next time I should actually FINISH me beer before I agree to such wacky ideas like going to the CRANKA and thinking everyone else will follow.. (yes spoz, yer an idiot.. ;) ) after a few more hours of this nonsense.. I finally gave up.. and fucked off home and passed out..
yeah.. a mixed bag of a weekend.. but still.. good times.. good beers.. good people.. a few more dead braincells.. and some funky funky tunes.. nice one :)
so.. wot's up next weekend?
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Damn Those Pesky Pentacles