WHEN BEARS GO BAD
Aaaah, ya gotta love the city of Adelaide. The city of churches, the festival city, that steaming 90km suburban dogturd of mullets, brown datsuns, flannel druggy shirts, bong smoke and wage slave mediocrity with that funny little frosty nipple of skyscrapers in the middle. The city of serial killers and dead bodies dumped in barrels of acid and that stinking brown effluent of car wrecks, refrigerators and supermarket trolleys we hilariously refer to as the "RIVER" Torrens. The city that interstate comedians laughingly hurl insults at whilst we proceed to hurl rocks at each other out've passenger side windows. The city that's home to 1 million people happily hemmoragging to any which way but here. The city that's nothing more than a speedbump to visiting international rock bands on the way from Melbourne to Perth. The Amsterdam of the south. The New Jersey of the east. The city with the perfect grid arrangement of right angle streets, roads and evenly spaced city squares full of public drunks and paedophiles that leaves nothing to the imagination. Oh how I'd love to nuke this city out've existence and rebuild it in my own freaky likeness. Oh how I'd love to kill every single cabsav drinking middle-aged conservative voting intellectual wanker who buys up apartment blocks in the middle of wot little inner city action we've got only to shut it all down and replace it with whimsical little overpriced restuarants and boutique shopping. The city that never ceases to stifle a yawn. Sing it after meeeee.. "OOOOOOH ADELAiiiiiDE!!! OOOOOOOH ADELAAAiiiiiiDE!!"..
*ahem* but no, don't get me wrong, I love this little shithole. If it wasn't for all the above, none of us artistic idiots would have anything to fight against. Spawning an overflowing resistance movement of super furry freaks, disney rejects, cartoon drug casualties, forest midgets, munchkins, gnomes and assorted gerbals conspiring to inject some life into this breathing cadaver. Adelaide's underground art scene I salute you! even in the most snot encrusted depressing weekends of thumb twiddling narcolepsy, dig deep enough into that nostril and you'll find GOLD BAAAAAABY!
so, come.. join me in a journey thru the underbelly of the beast.. the Adelaide that Adelaide forgot..
and now once again we reach the "lets gratuitously namedrop yer band.. coz I know you musicians are all a bunch of attention seeking whores" portion of the proceedings.. (also known as the cautionary tale of social binge drinking.. YEEHA!)FRIDAY NIGHT
I had nothing planned this weekend.. absolutely shitfuckall and a bucket of fish heads.. and yet.. somehow ended up drinking beer out on the town regardless.. I knew full well I should've stayed home and I dunno, done something responsible with my time.. but seriously.. why the FUCK would I do something dumb like that..?
yup.. so.. first port of call.. JIVE.. (once again, 4th weekend night running) to catch some freakingly obscure band I'd never heard of before known by the ever retarded name of the "TONY FONT SHOW".. a band featuring someone attempting to impersonate Julian Casablancas from the STROKES (but as a funk metal band), some crazed bass player who played his instrument like a smack addict 4 year old unwraps his christmas presents, the obssessive wearing and endless swapping of silly hats that only reminded me of that dodgy band from DEGRASSI HIGH that only ever played that one song for 4 years (how much did that song SUCK, seriously?).. and yeah.. some other band members that had the misfortune of being normal musicians and thus avoiding any level of ridicule I could make of 'em.. and yet an altogether damn funky band tho'.. sounded like a more cruisy version of SYSTEM OF A DOWN mixed with PRIMUS or something.. (yeah.. fucked if I know?) pity about the name.. but hey.. if a band called TESTICLES.. *oops*.. I mean TESTEAGLES could rock it large.. then, so could these guys.. I'd actually see 'em again.. yeah.. ROCK!
next up MACH PELICAN at the CRANKA.. a band that could be best summed up in the one sentence - "crazy japanese punk dudes do the RAMONES".. an experience somewhat akin to snorting lines of wasabi whilst watching one of those DONKEYBALL Z ITCHI psycho collector card obsessive cartoons that causes seizures in small children.. conjuring images of exploding robots, kung fu squirrels with pointy ears, radioactive post apocalyptic neo-toyko ultraviolence freakiness and cross promotional breakfast cereals eaten with chopsticks with sprinkled amphetamines.. well.. no.. actually.. that's just me digging up every single japanese cultural cliche short of their wacky school girl fetish thing for cheap laughs.. but seriously.. if yer gonna fucken destroy y'self at a punk gig.. don't go for that emo / screamo / skater punk / bollocksy american haircut shite.. JAPANESE PUNK ALLLLLL THE WAAAAY BIAAATCH! these little fukkas know how to rock it screaming holes thru ya eardrums and splattering up against the wall.. I almost got killed (again) in the moshpit to their hyperactive one two battle riffs.. there were crowd surfers.. freaking CROWD SURFERS in the cranka!? bodies freaking everywhere.. FUCK YEAAAH! duuuuudes.. come back ANYTIME! you guys are seriously the SHIT! YEAAAH!
after this and many beers of gibbering nonsense.. I made an early get away (wow.. 2AM!) and found meself home watching some retarded piece of shit (dont ask) which I taped from tv tonight.. not a huge night.. but well worth the trip..SATURDAY NIGHT
I thought one night of wackiness on an otherwise dead weekend was a fluke.. I seriously didn't think I could make it two nights in a row.. blood out've a stone? and yet.. somehow.. there I wuz again.. out this weekend.. exhuming some shiny undead zombies of funk.. hair of the dog.. round two.. fucking shit up.. yeeHAR!
first up.. to the CRANKA.. to catch a gig by a band I caught last weekend called the FRAUD MILLIONAIRES.. yeah.. they were ok enough stuff.. I think last weekend's set of theirs wuz better.. this one just came off as a slow, underwater peasoup stoner version of CAT EMPIRE on qualudes.. but funky all the same.. the real highlight of theirs? a little ditty they did to the tune of the INSPECTOR GADGET theme tune.. called, comically enough.. "INSPECT MY GADGET".. yeah.. good times.. :)
from here.. a small southern expressway stones' throwing to the EXETER.. pushing past a freaking invasion of middle aged greying athletes who'd been competing in the "MASTERS GAMES" all day, and were now blocking up 1/2 of rundle st in a drunken haze of FM ROCK and hawaiian shirts.. at the EXETER were the band, the "CENTRAL DELI BAND".. yet another one of those "wacky dudes in an animal suit" novelty acts that've been infesting this city of late.. but hey.. what could be better than a band with a freak in an ANIMAL SUIT? no seriously.. that's all I need.. idiot in an animal suit and freaking loud noise? FUCK YEAAAAH!.. yeah.. I can't freaking explain wot the hell these guys are meant to sound like.. smashing together cheese electro, hairy rock riffs, random screaming and falling over furniture and a bass player who resembled CHRIS FARLEY on an acid trip.. these are just the dude's to play shit so freaking insane and loud at yer house party.. they don't just call the cops.. they call those elite sniper STAR division guys to teargas the joint.. OOOOHYEAAAAH! GENRE MASHING DYSLEXIA at it's finest! definitely a band of circus freaks to watch..
many beers followed.. the dude in the bear suit was eventually carted away by the paramedics (see photo's).. and really it's such a shame to see bears turn ugly like that.. (and no.. we staged those photo's.. before you PETA or RSPCA people jump to any conclusions.. but anywaze.. :) ) as expected.. I eventually ending up in the CRANKA for the usual end of stoner night drunken antics.. and mysteriously absent from the night was the CRANKA's fat man of Saturday night indie/pop/punk cheese.. DJ IAN.. hmmm.. where DID that dude go? arrrr fuckit..
yeah.. it wuzn't a big event weekend.. there wuz no midday on the sunday, still drunk and blithering like an idiot from the night before trying to find a bus home thru all the weekend shoppers (always a fun experience) but.. it wuz worth it all the same.. random as all fuck.. but a killa one all the same.. :)
so.. wot's up next weekend?
tell the spoz where he should go?
(and no.. NOT there you sick little fucks.. serious suggestions.. k?)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Like Having Your Head Smashed In By A Gold Brick...