LIKE HAVING YOUR HEAD SMASHED IN BY A GOLD BRICK...
you're a mishapen lump of discarded chewing gum covered in dust bunnies.. flip flopping on the wet wooden planks gasping thru empty gills.. wood and splinters and pencil shavings.. sawdust covering the blood.. the taste of aniseed and the faint smell of congealed sweat and spilt beer.. eyes squinting at strobe light sunshine thru faded memories.. busted aerial and flickering snow on the tv screen.. unrecognised mirror feedback.. the sound of loud gothic church bells mixed with chainsaws and firecrackers running you screaming to a foetal escape or a cache of ground to air armnaments to silence the kickdrum stabbing in your ears.. floor and ceiling confusion.. early daylight cold slate feet trickling an endless river and grunting at reality.. a cactus of hair.. two centimetres off the floor and inhaling carpet fibres.. I'm a goldfish.. I'm a goldfish.. I'm a goldfish.. hi everybody, I'm a goldfish! anyone seen where my brain's gone?
yup.. another weekend rolls us flat 4 metres wide to be sold as pub dinner schnitzels.. brain smashed like plates at a greek wedding.. the horror! OH THE HORROR! WHY THE HELL DID WE DO ALL THESE CRAAAAAZY THINGS!!?? WHY MUST I TORTURE MY INNARDS LIKE THIS? why? coz.. dammit it's too much fun.. and, well.. I dunno.. you tell me.. who needs reason when you've got weekends like these? as long as you don't require legal assistance by the end of it.. as long as you dont wake up paralysed in a backless gown whilst strange chattering cloaked beings work under spotlights to the sounds of sharpening scalpels.. then yer doing just fine.. enjoy the ride.. dust y'self off.. find some more game tokens.. and go hurl y'self at the insanity again..
so, for all of you out there.. who were there.. but forget where the hell you were.. or why you have all those bumps and bruises.. or why your tongue tastes like an ashtray dipped in gasoline.. then.. enjoy this photographic display of wot went so horribly wrong and yet so brilliantly this ere weekend..
for all of you who missed the show.. forgot to show up.. forgot to tape it.. or just drank y'self to goldfish oblivion and forgot it all.. here's the autopsy..FRIDAY NIGHT
is this deja vu.. have I been here before? have I already experienced this and merely flashbacking to the same action replay again and again? these same red curtains.. the same painted swirly floor all scuffed and shredded.. that oh so familiar amusement park paintjob.. the rubberchickens.. big fluffy couches.. idiot stars on the ceiling.. purple velvet details like skinned muppets.. wacky spastic little fairy lights.. stoner's corner.. the free foozball.. have I been here before? is this deja vu.. is this brain damage?
yup.. for another weekend running I'm at JIVE to see some of Adelaide's finest trainwrecks of audial amusement.. tonight it's WOLF N CUB supported by a colourful assortment of imported freaks, geeks and.. um.. shit.. wot'ever else rhymes with freaks.. yeah! this IS braindamage.. but it wuz well worth it..
beginning the night (spawned from wot'ever foul swamp that ejected them) were ARTAX MISSION.. sounding somewhat reminiscent of a hoard of UFO's colliding with a swarm of bees in the middle of a hurricane.. sounds bleeding into each other and creeping up the walls like heat-haze off a desert.. it all just sounded like one song that went for over 1/2 an hour (they told me later it was actually 5, but not that you'd notice).. all gnashing guitars, feedback, swirling drums, lunatic falsetto hypnotic shriekings and stoner vague textures that seemingly extended into infinity.. yeah.. it wuz some seriously mindmelting stoner wall of sound freaky shit.. and by the end of it I forgot who I was.. where I was.. and it took me a full 10 minutes of physical therapy to actually remember how to walk, talk and manipulate simple beer shaped objects again.. yeah.. it was THAT trippy.. thumbs up dudes!
second up, the straight up no bollocks flagellating fury of a NZ import band, suitably named DIE! DIE! DIE!.. who, as you'd expect from a name like that, played a series of somber shoe gazing acoustic numbers about politics and environmentalism.. *cough* no.. not that I could really remember wot the HELL they were playing.. but it wuz freaking loud.. it wuz crazy.. and that lead singer damn near destroyed himself (see photos) throwing himself into the crowd.. crawling on the floor collecting broken glass fragments in his teeth.. curling up in a twitching foetal ball whilst guitars shrieked and smashed their way thru eardrums hammering a harmony to the one-two punch percussive jackhammer.. yeah, it wuz real cruisy stuff.. I think this band must get full dental and health benefits coz they definitely looked in need of a team of specialist nurses and a big freaking bottle of aspirin by the end of it all.. thumbs up!
next up, the headliners, WOLF AND CUB.. apparently they're all worshipped at large now cuz they've supported QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE on their recent east coast tour.. and not because of the much cooler fact that they're a band with two drummers.. yes.. that's right.. TWO DRUMMERS.. how freaking cool is that? one of them kinda looks like the sorta tiny fragile insect creature that THOM YORKE and CHRIS MARTIN could've beaten up on in highschool.. the dude seriously looked like he couldn't stand upright without the help of a puppeteer and some pills.. and yet.. damn the freak could drum.. I nearly wiped meself out to the mosh pit we may've accidently started to this band.. thrown around in a human washing machine and seriously pissing off a small gathering of 40+ year old "TRIPLE MMM / COMMERCIAL RADIO" types behind us.. who probably decided to finally see these guys after getting bored of their latest "greatest NEW band" JET (or maybe they'd finally caught up to FRANZ FERDINAND).. either way.. they didn't seem all that happy to see 10 of us lunatics hurling elbows at their face every minute or so.. but really.. if yer at a gig like this.. and you DONT wanna get killed.. why the HELL are you standing there in the front row nursing a glass of coke with yer wife's handbag looking that awkward? WHY DAMMIT? eh.. who knows.. perhaps they were there for occupational health and saftey reasons.. either way.. you guys creepded me out.. but, regardless.. WOLF AND CUB fucked up the joint in style with their crazy tandem drumming, wailing feedback and hammering riffs.. ya left me nothing but a pin cushion by the end of it all mopping up bits of me scattered over the floor.. fuck yeaaah.. ROCK! ROCCCK!!
after all that I somehow then found meself in CROWN N ANCHOR for the usual post-carnage drunken flail around on Adelaide's smelliest dancefloor.. sinking a few last remaining beers till my liver ticked over and sent me on the last bus home..SATURDAY NIGHT
is this deja vu.. have I been here before? have I already experienced this and merely flashbacking to the same action replay again and again? these same red curtains.. the same painted swirly floor all scuffed and shredded.. that oh so familiar amusement park paintjob.. the rubberchickens.. oh wait.. I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE!! how did I end up in JIVE for the 3rd weekend night running? have I always been here? is this home? I was really getting worried they'd start charging me rent..
anywaze.. I wuz here.. AGAIN.. to witness the CD launch of NERVOUS GERBAL and also to see if I could find bits of my brain I'd misplaced from last night.. to start the night off on the best possible foot I won a few juggernaut games of foozball and almost killed Chelsea with a mis-aimed projectile cigarette lighter to the eyesocket that wuz originally intended to knock over some redbull cans carefully positioned on a table (dont ask).. hmmm.. I think I'll call her "PINATA" from now on.. she could cover herself head to toe in a large bullseye nerf outfit and we'd hit her with blunt objects till candy falls out.. YEEEAS!.. dunno how she always ends up in the firing line.. *oops* but.. anyhoo..
first up tonight for our amusement wuz some "top secret band" called the FRAUD MILLIONAIRES.. pehaps they were the top secret band b'coz they couldn't be named for tax reasons.. perhaps they're all mob informants? who knows.. either way.. any band that combines wacky bob-mali'esque rastafarian grooves in a live band funk jam setup and doesn't come off like a total CAT EMPIRE dickhead ensemble has gotta earn bonus points.. yeah.. you guys rocked.. if I wuzn't busily smashing foozball paddles and sinking beers at the time, I would've been out there making a total mess on the dancefloor with the rest of the crowd there.. big ups to yuz!
up 2nd.. the band whom I'll simply refer to as SNOW WHITE AND THE KRAFTWERK GNOMES from now on.. coz, dammit.. I've name dropped 'em enough in this blog for free and now it's starting to get ridiculous.. ok.. fine.. here.. MUNCHKIN!! MUNCHKIN!! MUNCHKIN!! yer happy now? (be warned tho'.. say that 3 times.. and crazy green midgets steal all yer furniture) hmm.. perhaps it's all Kaliah's fault.. wot with her jumping around on stage like a happy muppet.. it's like I can't leave or she'll do crazy shit to me head with pixie dust.. *ahem* anywaze.. all jokes aside (no wait, I still got some more) these guys just keep sounding better and better (of course I gotta say this coz they dabble in the black arts and I fear for my life).. but yeah.. with ya crazy bouncy electro beats.. stoner depeche mode melodic flows and excitable carnivorous fluffy bunny vocals.. it's all kinda hard to resist.. yer like PORTISHEAD on crack with tazerguns.. perhaps you guys could team up with THE GRATES, YEAH YEAH YEAHS and GOLDFRAPP and start a music festival called "BOUNCY CASTLE" and people could hit PINATAS with blunt objects and get high on all the spilled candy! *WHACK!* oops.. there she goes again in the line of fire.. *ow*.. SORRY!.. yeaah! anywaze.. nice one MUNCHKIN.. can I have my furniture back now?
and finally to the big wacky headliners.. NERVOUS GERBAL.. apparently I'd seen these guys waaay back at one of their earliest gigs at a fancy dress house party late last year (I wuz told at the last minute to dress as my favourite song lyrics.. so, I ran with NIRVANA - COME AS YOU ARE.. yeah... aren't I a freaking genius?) at this party I accidently gatecrashed their gig in the backyard shed.. hijacked their microphone and did a rambling drunk 1/2 hour vocal set to their funky instrumental backing.. wow, who knew they'd end up here so soon with this huge crowd of hooting lunatics chanting their name? wow.. kickarse.. kinda like I wuz somehow responsible or sumthin'? (naaah.. I can't back that up) either way.. these crazy dudes in fuzzy animal suits hammered out a brilliant stoner mashup of bongos, live drumming, crazy spasmatron electro breaks, doof doof beats and vocal flows inspired by some of the most hilarious misfirings of iconic electronica that made the massing crowd of circus freaks fly around like pingpong balls to mousetraps.. I damn near killed meself on the dancefloor.. AGAIN.. for the 2nd night running.. yeah.. you guys rocked!
with liver and limbs still intact.. and thankfully not getting killed in the car trip down (cheers Kaliah!).. we found ourselves in CROWN N SCEPTRE at 2AM to catch the LEVITATORS.. banging out one of those live bongo, drummer, dj flip flopping, electro freeform stoner nuttiness acts that seems to be all the rage of late.. apparently it wuz some kinda wacky AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL human rights thing.. which wuz kinda cool.. coz.. YAY! human rights! (funny how I didn't pay anything on the door in to ACTUALLY support it.. hahahaha.. oh well..) and once again I found meself almost getting killed on the dancefloor again.. flailing around like a retarded muppet..
I dimly recollect the end of the night after a few cross-city detours, half dead in ZHIVAGO's downing a few final beers at 5AM before then falling into the nearest taxi to send me back home to collapse in a gibbering coma..
and yet.. here I am.. Sunday night.. and still alive and well.. shit.. how DO I do it? :)
so.. wot's up next weekend? I have no plans and no clue as of yet (wow that's a first for a while).. so, anyone wanna suggest any gigs? I'm all ears.. leave a comment.. k?
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Lo-Fidelity Weekend Psychedelics