SPRING HAS SPRUNG A LEAK
spoz subsystem diagnostics
oxygenated blood? check!
brain function? 90% peak efficiency and cruisy!
sensory systems? picking up all frequencies, volatiles and tactiles.. check!
reflexes? like a freaking cat!
liver function? surprisingly chirpy.. check!
kidneys? didn't wake up in a bathtub full of ice.. so, um.. yeah.. check!
spleen? where the fuck is that? oh.. wait.. hangon.. check!
stomach and intestines? good enough for haggis.. good enough for me!
bipedal locomotion? check!
prehensile gripping and manipulation functions? check!
miscellaneous fiddly bits active? check!
communications networks? talking utter shite as per normal.. check!
yup.. after a 4 night, week to weekend marathon (3 of 'em on a gibbering rollercoaster beer fueled bender) spoz is still alive and well.. not only that.. the crazy bastard is thriving.. and I have no freaking idea HOW I managed it either.. I mean.. shit.. I shouldn't be here.. I should be resembling an unidentified liquid stain covered in ants right about now.. I should be flat out unconscious on a table whilst being attended to by a doctor, a team of nurses, a psychiatrist, an excitable proctologist, a team of tinker gnomes, and egor with the electrodes screaming "MORE POWER!! MOOOORE POWER!!".. and yet.. here I am.. talking shit as per normal.. like nothing happened.. like I freaking got away with murder.. dammit.. I freaking KICK ARSE YO! HOW MUCH DO I ROCK!!
perhaps I share the same freaky high stamina genetics that's allowed peeps like KEITH RICHARDS and IGGY POP survive after countless high-living antics binging on all sorts of crazy substances without nary an ill side effect.. (we'll forget just how damn scary IGGY POP looks now.. ok?) maybe I'll be one of those lucky old bastards.. living ripe well into me 100's.. and some idiot camera crew asks me as I blow out a forest of birthday candles "so.. wots the secret to your long life?".. and just like every other fossil with a voice like a mix between Marlon Brando and Yoda I'll give the same answer "oh I dunno, I just a few cigars every day, a bottle of scotch and some hookers to snort some blow off of.. and I'm good to go!".. or more than likely I'll be dead tomorrow and I'm speaking way too soon.. perhaps all the ill side effects were sent to KATE MOSS or COURTNEY LOVE by mistake.. and just as a totally random aside here.. if "unattended luggage" on public transport is now considered a grave terrorism risk? does this mean that the HONOLULU is target #1 for an attack? yeah.. ok.. dunno why I thought of that right now.. who wants a red herring? I'm Ozzy Osbourne's head in a jar.. rolling slowly down a hill.. yeeeeeee!
so on wot crazy adventures did i partake in from Wednesday night to Saturday night? where did I go? what did I see? wot crazy new sounds did i hear? wot strange smells made me gag and collapse green faced in a twitching mess on the floor? come ye n all and experience in shiny photographic form all the stupidity that came to pass.. and wot a crazy ride it wuz..
wow.. still here? maaan you people need lives.. stop living vicariously thru mine you freaking vampires and get out there and DO something instead of sitting in front of your massed collection of DVDs and your plasma screen gulping like a goldfish inhaling all those microwave snacks.. idiots.. *ahem* did i say that out loud?.. oh well.. guess it's time for me to explain meself huh? and to namedrop all you freaking Adelaide bands begging for a mention.. yeah.. I know YOU'RE reading this.. you attention seeking baaaaastards!WEDNESDAY NIGHT
I was promised a magic show at SUPERMILD.. I was promised clowns and hula hoop performers.. and fuck.. I dunno.. midgets shot out've cannons.. really innappropriate treatment of animals thrown thru hoops of fire.. antigravity bearded ladies and some dude with antlers breathing smoke.. yeah.. ok.. maybe I made up the last few.. instead.. wot I got wuz MUNCHKIN - somewhat resembling a funkier version of snow white and the 3 kraftwerk dwarves (suffering thru a horrible underwater chloroform muffled sound mix, but otherwise fighting fit).. SPACE HELMET - a one man band featuring this one long haired Axl Rose looking intense freak with a bank of keyboards making space invader elephant stampede noises whilst he sung all eerie and deadpan epic shit over the top of it (call me crazy.. but.. wuz this guy on AUSTRALIAN IDOL last year? and failed miserably? wow.. cool.. don't even watch the show but if the judges didn't like im it impresses me somehow..) and yeah.. some old dude wearing a funny tie making unrecogniseable balloon animals.. but.. DAMN that dude knows how to woop it up.. I'd party with freak aaanytime.. yeah.. there wuz no ACTUAL magic.. or clowns.. or midgets.. or anything really violating any health regulations or fire codes.. but still.. a damn good night.. I got home blaringly drunk at 2:30AM.. on a Wednesday night! like.. holy crap.. that don't happen like.. ever.. way to blow $50 on a midweek.. YEEEHA! they should do more shit at SUPERMILD midweek.. or.. if they already are (shuddup Chelsea).. like.. tell me about it.. this shit rocks!THURSDAY NIGHT
played a solo set at ENIGMA and lemme see - none of the laptops crashed, the mixer didn't malfunction, the PA didn't spark out and glitch as it wuz going full throttle and shaking the walls, my foldback wuz loud and clear and harmoniously ultraviolent, I didn't fuck anything up.. I played a flawless ninja set jumping around like a chihuahua on crack cocaine.. people actually turned up and enjoyed it.. peeps wooped it up.. yeah.. shit.. wow.. I wuz just about set to throw in the towel and give up doing this shit.. and then a set like this comes along.. FUCK YEAH! ROCK! still.. I wonder.. should I leave this whole nonsense on a high note? or should I keep going for more? maybe there IS an audience for wacky electronic music in Adelaide still..? hmmmm.. guess we'll wait and see till next fortnight eh?FRIDAY NIGHT
I really thought I wuz gonna stay home.. I thought I wuz gonna sit in front of the idiot box and catch some cathode rays.. but no.. just when I thought I wuz staying in.. they pulllll me back out.. and you'd think any night that starts with INDIAN CURRY and ends in BEER is just plain mixed up (I know the english will be shaking their heads).. random INDIAN CURRY led to SMS message led to me following said message to catch a particularly bizarre docu-drama at the PALACE NOVA called "WHAT THE BLEEP WAS THAT ABOUT!?" - apparently a movie about quantum physics, spiritualism and existentialism.. starring that weird deaf chick who wuz in that SEINFELD episode once.. (weird film.. some seriously bizarre cool ideas - most of them I'd already entertained about mind over matter, quantum reality probabilities, and universe scale consciousness.. etc.. so yeah, overall a pretty cool mind expanding film.. except for this one bit at the end, where.. thru the entire movie that deaf chick is relying on anxiety pills.. decides at the end to throw them away in a moment of triump almost as if Tom Cruise jumped out've the bushes and told her to do it.. coz "psychiatry is a myth!" and my brain wuz screaming "SCIENTOLOGY PROPAGANDA! AUAUAAUAGGHH!!".. yeah.. but no.. I didn't spot any weird L Ron Hubbard references.. so go see it.. it's a cool film.. especially if your waaay stoned like my crazy dredlocked friend Andy wuz at the time) from this movie wandering down rundle st with me friend barking incomprensible gibberish about transmitting "CHI OF LOVE" to the raindrops so they'd avoid him (freaking stoner.. hahaha) we eventually found ourselves at the DAIRY BROTHERS music video launch at JIVE.. witness crazy WIGGLES on acid infected riff rock and power keyboard solos and 2 minute songs about heads in jars and grapefruit whilst some idiot with a cow's head dances in an orange prison jumpsuit thru the crowd.. I got reaal pissed, hooted like a moron and jumped around the place.. oh.. and check out that one chick dressed as a milkmaid.. not only wuz she damn cute.. but she wuz carrying a milk pail filled with those milk bottle lollies.. ooooh maaan did she rock.. I could've played with her udders all night.. *ahem*.. wait.. did I say that out loud? aaand we're moving on..SATURDAY NIGHT
yeah.. apparently there wuz a gig at Adelaide Uni tonight.. and, I wouldn'tve known about it.. coz obviously all the flyers I'd been given in the last 3 weeks.. the emails.. the SMS's.. the messages posted on my myspace site.. people asking me constantly "are you going?" weren't enough of a hint.. yeah.. so $12 at the door.. payment for a good cause (it's for cancer yo!) and some ridiculously over priced watered down beers in tiny plastic cups and I wuz like there duuuude.. witness a power packed lineup of some of Adelaide's angriest bands.. and.. um.. MUNCHKIN.. (probably there to remind you at the end of the night.. "hey.. there's no reason to be so angry and screaming with yer fists coz yer paying $5.50 for beer in a plastic cup.. watch Kaliah flail around all exciteable n stuff singing to wacky funk guitar riffs and kraftwerk funky triphop beats.. there.. feel better now? no.. wot? ARE YOU MADE OF STONE!?? ARE YOU A FREAKING ROBOT!?? DIIIIE YOU MECHANICAL BAAAAASTARD DIIIIEEEEEE!!" oh.. oops.. I just killed the lead singer of BARCODE.. oh damn.. now I've gone and done it..) I got there just in time to see and mostly ignore BLOW UP BETTY.. (um.. er.. ok.. I wont comment here.. hahaha.. no really you were good!), followed by the freakingly angry, scary and head smashing brilliance with blood pissing out've teeth fury of BARCODE (sorry Chelsea.. ahahahaha) apparently now with a new bass player somewhat resembling a satanic version of Fred Flinstone (wouldn't it be hilarious if somebody sent the band someone dressed in a teddybear suit to give them all a hug? and they killed him and ate his still beating carcass? ok.. just me..? nevermind..) followed by CIRCLE CLAN the hosts of the night, paying tribute to their R.I.P. former bass player Chris (damn good bloke) who apparently wuz haunting the beginning of their set whilst it took them a solid 10 minutes or so to exorcise the computer equipment before they could get any sound out of it (weirdly enough.. every gig.. something would always malfunction..) also featuring a crazy appearance by COPY ONE when he took on the stage for "Follow The White Line" (see video
).. the dude's went off.. totally blew the roof off.. yeah, its a pity these guys have are no longer (at least 2 years running) and only play once a year.. dammit.. WHY MUST THE GOOD BANDS BREAK UP SO SOOOOOON!?.. aanywaze.. following Circle Clan's carnage was a (way too brief) funkin' DRUM N BASS set from NATE HATE.. followed in closing by MUNCHKIN.. and.. um.. really.. I'd already seen you guys ONCE this weekend.. so I'm not gonna comment on you again.. you know I'm a fan.. is that enough? ohhh alriiight.. you did a freaking great set.. please dont send Dale to kill me.. YOU GUYS SOUNDED GREAT! (but where wuz my balloon animals this time dammit?) - yeah.. MUNCHKIN.. they're kinda like a cult.. once you see a few of their gigs.. it's like they never let you leave.. (hahaha.. just kidding..yup, Dale's gonna kill me now for sure)
yeah.. you'd think the SATURDAY night would end here.. and the 4th night running.. you'd think my liver would've packed it's bags and left in a huff out the back door (apparently I still get to see the kidneys every other weekend!) but no.. there wuz more..
after a near fatal car trip from ADELAIDE UNI to Rundle St (wow.. this car has a de-mister? cooool!) we found ourselves at the CRANKA.. during another one of DJ IAN's nutty retro idiot funkjams.. and wow.. we must've arrived at just the right moment.. coz there wuzn't a Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Gwen Stefani or Britney song in sight.. he actually played reaaally cool shit (or perhaps I wuz just really well sauced at this point) I wuz jumping around like a retarded loon.. I wuz even freaking singing along.. maaaan wuz I fucked up.. it wuz like an irish pub cliche.. on the stage.. flailing around like an uncontrollable muppet.. somebody should've shot me full of tranquiliser darts and dragged my sorry carcass home.. but no.. 4AM swung around and I wuz still there.. with the lights blinking on.. and the violent drunks being manhandled out (thanks for knocking me into the bar stools whilst pushing past guys!).. we were looking for somewhere to continue the madness.. we decided on ZHIVAGO's.. and like some freaking LORD OF THE RINGS oddessy, made our down to LIGHT SQUARE.. one of us almost getting killed along the way when he crossed the road, almost took a car's rear view window with him (only to end up in the middle of an angry domestic with the large and hairy occupants of said car).. escaping that somehow to make a somewhat bizarre detour thru an ANZ bank.. (seriously.. did I remember that happening?) finally getting to ZHIVAGO's.. 4:30AM.. just as the place was closing.. fuck.. so.. after scratching our collective arses figuring where to go next.. we were then led to.. what would quite possibly win the award for WEIRDEST PLACE TO FIND YOURSELF AT 5AM - at an upstairs martial arts studio (Tae Kwon Do?).. throwing crazy large exercise balls around.. punching each other stupid in the boxing ring.. and basically making a helluva late night racket with the stereo blaring.. until the party wuz shut down when this odd looking.. I dunno.. 40-50 year old guy comes shuffling out from an unseen door, walks past us without a word, switches off the stereo, walks to one of the light switches to switch that off, then walks to the other light switch plunging the place into darkness before then grumpily trudging off back from whence he came.. (damn freaking hilarious to watch.. the dude didn't even say a word) it was at this point.. 5:30AM.. in some freaking martial arts studio.. that I thought.. "fuck this.. I'm going home!".. and did just that.. taking the taxi and finally passing out home at 6AM..
weird thing is? I woke up SUNDAY feeling like brand new..
yeah.. seriously.. I dunno how the hell I manage it either.. :)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Crash Test Dummies