you know you've really hit it hard on the weekend, when..
1. the action starts in the early afternoon..
2. a LOT of free alcohol is involved..
3. you cover more distance in the one night than you do all week..
4. you've made a total arse of y'self on at least 2 different dancefloors on the same night..
5. you mix red wine and beer.. and you don't care..
6. you're the last idiots left in the venue for the 3rd venue running that night..
7. you finish the night partying with a totally different group of friends than you started with.. and these are people you hadn't even met before..
8. when you finally get home.. it's daylight.. it's past midday.. and your still drunk..
9. after crashing out for some much needed sleep.. you wake up.. and your STILL drunk..
10. you dimly recollect at least 50 people chanting and hooting your name whilst you did something unmentionably colourful and publically stupid the night before.. and yet, the next day.. you cant for the life of you remember who the HELL any of these 50 people were.. or wot it was you did that made you the "life of the party"..
11. you go out the next night and do it all again..
12. people invite you out to do it all again NEXT weekend as well..
13. everyone else reads your blog.. coz apparently your the only one who remembered wot the HELL happened..
yeah.. so, obivously I did nothing this weekend except grow potatoes and other miscelleous bulbous fungus from out've me hairy arsecrack whilst watching the weather channel wearing nothing but a strategically placed tube sock.. yeeeHA!
no.. I know why you're really here.. :P
oh.. and this ere weekend blog is especially dedicated to them kwazy kids Wokka n Heidi who got em'selves like all married n shit on Friday night.. and are quite possibly reading this right now from some smelly backpackers internet cafe whilst rampaging thru Middle Earth (New Zealand) on their Honeymoon looking for hobbits to corrupt.. so if ya reading this guys.. congratulations.. have a monkey bucketload of idiotic fun.. and, like.. leave me a comment or sumthin' silly, cool?
one last note: if anyone reading this blog is on some kind've 12 step program or something (hi Courtney Love!) then, you really dont wanna see these weekend photos.. remember kids.. don't try this shit at home.. take lots of acid till yer tripping balls and run with scissors thru traffic instead.. much safer :)
oh.. and chelsea.. stop stealing me freaking camera already! sheeesh.. (kinda explains all those silly trainwreck photo's of me this weekend..)
yup.. next weekend, I'm sticking to water.. AAAUAUAUAUAAAAAA!
anywaze, now for the scripted for television version of this weekend's events..FRIDAY NIGHT
Warwick and Heidi's wedding (aka: Wokkstain and Heidelburger.. yeah.. ok.. may not) and yeah.. I've been to a few weddings of late.. and.. this was one of them.. no.. just kidding.. (I know you're reading this guys).. yeah... it wuz one of 'em funky customised jobs with a celebrant and wacky ceremonies with candles and spastic ribbon action and the blood letting of chickens and midgets with swords poking people and the screaming in german with balloon animals.. and the wearing of funny hats.. and all that cool shit.. (ok, maybe not so much with the chickens - apparently it wuz considered too much of a bird flu risk).. and yeah.. I'm as cynical a comical bastard as they come.. but when Wokka got on that piano at the end of the ceremony after all the rings n stuff and performed that marriage song.. wow maaan.. there wuzn't a freaking dry eye in the room.. *sniff*.. damn hayfever.. scuse me.. I gotta leave the room.. *sniff*.. dammit! you made me feel actual human emotions yoooou baaaaastards!!..
as with most weddings.. there wuz free alcohol.. and I wuz faced with 2 choices - either drink WEST END DRAUGHT (and face untimely doom in a chunky puddle all over the floor covered in ants) or RED WINE (and face a possible skull splitting hangover).. I chose the latter.. and soon realised just how QUICKLY you can get drunk on the stuff on an empty stomach without even trying.. I swear it only took me 2 glasses and I wuz like.. "whooaaaaa".. thankfully, I still managed to keep me shit in order so I could do my speeh / slide presentation.. coz.. yeah.. I wuz like one of the official wedding party n shit.. yeah! - and somehow I didn't totally stuff it up.. even if it did need the 8 armed octopus coordination to control all the freaking elements (one of the other bastards cheated and just pre-recorded his.. bah!) I got a few laughs where it mattered.. and then fled the scene before they realised wot hit 'em.. about 2-3 bottles of red wine later with the wedding winding up.. a bunch of us hit the city centre to rage on.. somewhat like a miniature catagory 4 hurricane.. a trainwreck in formalwear.. it's at this point the memory gets a bit blurry (just look at the photo's.. DAMN wuz I fucked up).. I vaguely remember hitting it hard at the EXETER and then the CRANKA.. driunking more beers on TOP of all the red wine I drunk and yet somehow finding myself safely off home on the last late-night bus home.. I woke up the next day no worse for wear.. wondering how the FUCK I wuz still alive.. yeeeeHA!SATURDAY NIGHT
round 2 - hair of the dog.. not altogether too worse for wear.. but otherwise space cadet blurry and a little post-blinder shaky.. I hit up the CRANKA to catch 2 nutty bands - first off, SIR GERBIL.. and probably the first time I'd actually seen these maniacs sober.. yeah.. these crazy bastards were out've control.. the lead singer ran around everywhere.. stood on things.. ran into the crowd.. flailed around randomly and occassional actually did some vocals.. the band jammed out some freaked out speedy nutty party punk / funk wackiness and got the crowd bouncing around like crazy.. and yeah.. it wuz good stuff.. glad I finally got to know wot the HELL they sounded like.. but yeah.. probably needed to be more drunk and perhaps juggling an inflatable dolphin or something to truly appreciate the brilliance of it all.. still I reckon these comical little bastards will go far.. ya should see their music videos maaan.. 2 words - SOCK PUPPETS! :)
following SIR GERBIL.. wuz some freaking out bizarre band from melbourne called JIKA.. chucking up some wacky big aztec looking tribal banner.. and proceeding to totally destroy any circadian rhythms ticking away in your head by playing each song with at least 50 different beat signature / timings.. running around to attack bongos at random, spaz out with some decked up electronics.. and otherwise make a total schizophrenic crack fiend performance.. somewhat a mix between wot'ever the fuck metal / cartoon / space alien crack addict shit Mike Patton's doing right now, the goofier elements of SEPULCHURA, SYSTEM OF A DOWN and perhaps some hiphop stonerisms.. took about 3 songs to get past the brain damage of it all.. but by then the whole crowd wuz into it.. fucking 'emselves up good n proper in the moshpit..
kicked on afterwards.. soaking up beers like a sponge.. until the house lights went on.. at which point I found myself at numerous bizarre inner suburban locations with people getting progressively messier.. finally making my way home in an exceedingly blurry condition at 12PM on the Sunday.. I think I got about 3 hours sleep.. and wow.. I woke UP drunk.. damn I love that (not) hahahaha.. arrr shit..
still.. once again.. I survived another one with nary a dead liver, kidney, missing finger or lunch rebooting on the upholstery.. fuck maan.. I dunno how I do it.. :)
next weekend I'll be drinking water.. no really I will be.. *cough*.. ahem.. yeaaah!
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Spring Has Sprung A Leak