THE 4TH ANNUAL SPOZ'S RANT AWARDS / PART I
ADELAIDE MUSIC SCENE / January - December 2011 /
Wow, so how did it come to THIS: another year, another fucked up installment of The Spoz's Rant Awards!? and it's what...
the fourth year I've unleashed this insanity?
I mean it begs the question now doesn't it...and I don't mean HOW IS IT I've kept this blog running against all the odds this year to get to this point...HAHAHAHA no seriously?
hadn't we run this topic into the ground already?
Like oh suuure! let's totally make my "recreational binge-drinking" into a fully fledged nine-to-five! sounds like an aaawesome plan! sounds like a genius plan:
getting unsigned musicians to pay for gig advertising each week,
it can't possibly fail! until it ALMOST FUCKING KILLED ME THAT'S WHAT!! (and we're talking on numerous occassions: risking actual death and/or dismemberment; or at the very least a protracted hospital stay
due to illness, possibly mental self inflicted
) and I'm not even kidding you maaan...I put myself through some serious
"Francis Ford Coppola" shit to keep this blog happening in 2011;
and it was fucking intense! and I perhaps enjoyed it a little too much and it's besides the point anyways (because yup...I've clearly gone off on another one of my ridiculous tangents again). No the REAL question is: why would the Adelaide scene invest so much interest in
someone as wilfully misguided as myself
writing up these silly awards in the first place? WHHHY!? HAHAHAHA because
the Adelaide scene HAS NO official music industry awards THAT'S WHY!
I mean we used to...
they were called the SAMIAs
. But then we got rid of them in 2006 (
yeaaah remember Vegans In Leather?
me neither! but apparently they won it every year despite not being an active concern for almost a decade) and now
I'M ALL YOU'VE GOT;
sobering thought innit? (easily enough to send ME to drink in judging this shit each year) for we live in a music scene that's verily seen the apocalypse maaan! We've had it all: from the pokies fucking up all our suburban live venues in the 90's to
inner-city residential noise complaints killing off the rest;
a "music scene" rendered all but invisible, possessing all the talent and little or no airplay or representation;
a music scene only just now rising from the ashes!
And until such time a bona-fide music industry award returns to do it actual justice again? yup welcome to The 4th Annual Spoz's Rant Awards! Admittedly it won't be much; in fact on so many levels it'll surely be a whole lot LESS
and a continuing embarassment for everyone involved
...but yeah fuck it, let's just celebrate the shit out of this insanity all the same!
THE MATT BANHAM AWARD: CARLA LIPPIS
Which then brings us to our first silly "awards" category. And for argument's sake? yeaaah let's just assume that we're already WELL AWARE
just how completely fucking ridiculous this shit is;
I mean these "awards", surely they achieve nothing, and none of it matters in the grand scheme of things, NONE OF IT...short of needlessly congratulating and overinflating the pissy egos of both the award recipients and the moron (
yup that'd be me!
) who took it upon himself to award them; which come to think of it? kinda makes them no different or diminished in value compared to any other fucked up awards ceremony you've ever seen...and even by THOSE incredibly lax "standards"
still a whole lot better than The Aria Awards telecast back in 2010
...so yeah let's just forget I ever mentioned it. This shit? 100% LEGIT YO!! (hell I'm even thinking of knocking up
an awards show for next year!
). Just like we'll ALSO assume that you already "get" that this FIRST award is bestowed upon that one lead singer in the Adelaide music scene who went above and beyond in embodying
all the larger than life and now admittedly cliche values
of being THE "lead singer" for 2011. So named after the
infamous Matt Banham of No Through Road
a "giant dildo crushing the sun" if we ever saw one
) who's presence will surely be missed in these parts ever since he moved to Sydney; if it weren't for the fact
he still keeps posting new shit on youtube,
and on twitter, and on facebook, AND OH DEAR GAWD MAKE HIM STOP ALREADY...WHO'S GONNA THINK OF THE CHILDREN!! but not before I watch that wacky xmas video again (
it's like David Hasselhoff eating a burger off the floor set to music!
). One who'd left such a glaring absence in the scene in 2011, one couldn't dream of replacing his schtick so soon...I mean we're obviously still in mourning here (
sorry Jon Marco, I know you tried!
) and as such? I've seen to fit to bestow this year's award to the one person who not only embodied
all the gargantuan qualities of a "Matt Banham"
in both exceptional vocal AND stage presence, but also acted as a welcome "respite" to all of Matt Banham egomaniacal dysfunctions (
as Adelaide's answer to Bernard Black
), just as...yup let's face it you also had to have been living under a rock, or a great many "rocks" lacking even half a bar of a wifi/phone reception to not know who she was this year:
Carla Lippis from The Rules?
OOOOH SHIT and I think I just peed a little in uttering her name just now too...THAT'S how fuckoff terrifying she was in 2011!
Not just for her triple A-grade vocal delivery
equal parts Aretha Franklin, Zack De La Rocha and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket
stuffed into the body of Liza Minnelli
...but also in the way she delivered it live on stage: like a sawn-off shotgun at point-blank range, punching your pink bits clean through your throat out the back of your skull and shat onto the walls behind you...and in high heels no less! And even more remarkably? with a quiet no-nonsense approach to showmanship
utterly bereft of alcoholic or arty farty excess
that nearabout put everyone else but the most seasoned Vegas drag queens to shame in shit kicking professionalism!? I mean she wasn't at all possessive or arrogant about it...shit, she'll even give you singing lessons! she's more than happy to share the wealth! both
an audience shitbricking 10ft tall behemoth belching fire from her lungs
and humble almost to a fault? Yup for schooling us all in 2011 (and for letting us live to tell the tale), we salute you!
DOUGIE ARNOTT / JON MARCO / PAUL "NAZZ" NASSARI
JOSH MOORE (as much as we shouldn't encourage him) / MARIO SPATE THE LACHLAN WILSON AWARD: LACHLAN WILSON
But of course for every loud-mouthed loon itching to seize centre-stage, plant their proverbial flag hoisted up high and piss all over the audience with their golden pipes, proud as fuck to perform for pretty much anyone who'll let them (
wow and apologies for the mental image I just painted there!
) there's at least a dozen more "lead singers" who'd ask for anything but that, to be anywhere else
BUT showcasing their craft in front of a large audience,
preferring to hide in a quiet corner instead; or better yet phoning it all in from afar: under a ridiculous alias, via sock puppet proxy and buried under a haze of sound from a lo-fi "studio recording" done three weeks ago from their kid sister's bedroom...YES!! For these are the frontpersons defacto; most scruffy, increasingly forming a meek and mild majority,
propped up behind mic stands, guitars, keys, laptops being artfully ambiguous;
all the talent, nary the impetus to perform it in public, often pent in painfully shy introspection and harrowing self doubt, until one day
they explode like an albatross thrown into a ceiling fan
and it's a thing of superlative beauty...and THIS is their award that celebrates their quiet accomplishments!
although not so loud as to frighten them back into the shadows;
THIS is their moment to shine! And as much as I'd love to congratulate each and every one of these "proud" nominees equally as shrinking violets most exemplary,
or for simply being a-grade vocal talents extraordinare
with nary a hint of ego or theatrical artiface to promote themselves with? one went waaay beyond that call of duty, stood towering above all others in 2011, in being that prime example par excellence for the Adelaide scene (
quite like he did the year before I might add
) although frequently stooping down low so as not to draw untoward attention to himself:
Lachlan Wilson from Steering By Stars
. Yup, without a doubt he was EVERY dictionary definition and medical diagnosis of a "shrinking violet" in 2011; so much so he's even had this award's category renamed in his honour. Which you'd think would totally jinx him from winning his own award ever again (and perhaps point to some seriously fucked up near fictional "childhood trauma" he should probably get looked at
possibly involving The Count from Sesame Street...hmmm?
). But since no other "lead singer" this year has quite come close to equalling that combination of undeniable artistry and crippingly shy introspection...or hoped to match that signature "singing style" of his, that almost but doesn't quite sound like a
sickly albino kid with freaky magical powers
being drowned in a frozen winter lake in Manitoba, in a blizzard? (or at least that's how he sounded in 2010...now imagine that exact same scenario in 2011; only to up the tension
that same kid's attempting to wrestle free from a straitjacket too!?
) THAT'S the mad intensity that Lachlan Wilson wields on stage like a pro! that mad gut-wrenching intensity buried deep down inside him shackled like an emotional Houdini busting to be let free! and THAT'S why
he again wins this award hands down
as the shrinking ying to the "Matt Banham" exploding yang that we've since named after him this year!? HAHAHA *PHEW* YOU BETCHA!! But before you suggest this shit is rigged (
and I swear the other nominees WERE in with a chance!
back when Steering By Stars released their first album,
could you understand a single haunting ode he sung suppressed as they were under a billion effects pedals? No? And now that you CAN kind've decipher them
with their latest single in 2011,
was it any less harrowing...!? MY POINT EXACTLY!! He hasn't just mastered the art of "theatrical autism" to the nth degree, he's utterly redefined it!
JOSH CALLIGEROS / JULIET HUNTER / ZAC COLLIGAN
CAITLIN DUFF / PETER SPIKER (what, he didn't win!? shit was rigged!) AXE MURDERER OF THE YEAR: DAN CAVA
Now obviously this next award is for "guitarist of the year".
As in the a-grade finest, most shit hot exemplary example to the art of guitaring
that the Adelaide scene has produced this year, the one we should all be proud of...and as humble heartfelt thanks for making our world that much richer and brighter in strumming that wondrous five or six string? we should totally all shout them a beer, or twelve,
or a bottle of none-too-shabby "plonk"
from the nearest bottle-o and then pat them on the back and go "you da man!", and then petition the city council to erect a glorious bronze statue in their honour (or at the very least a loud cheer from the back of the room
and a complimentary wristy from that girl they fancied
) "SHIT YES!! BEST ADELAIDE GUITARIST FOR 2011!! WOOOO!!". But obviously I'm not one to simply out and say it, let alone declare it in writing.
I mean pfft...do I look like I'm one to give upfront open praise that brazen?
Do I look like I'm that naive: offering up a genuine compliment to an Adelaide muso without twisting it into a prize winning backhander!? SHIT THAT HEARTFELT AND SINCERE COULD KILL A MAN!! FUUUCK!! I mean this ain't America! this ain't an Oprah lovefest, this is Adelaide yo! Our music scene's the abused middle child of Australia!
We're the butt of everyone's jokes!
shit...we've been that way for decades, for generations! to the point our artists
are SO accustomed to being grievously abused, insulted and ignored
by the public at large; anything short of the most begrudging thumbs up and scathingly sarcastic endorsement, ESPECIALLY FROM THE INTERNET, is liable to give them all the BENDS!! I mean you should see how retarded our musicians get
if they ever play to a capacity crowd here;
or if they ever receive regular airplay and glowing praise from Triple J; or shit...even if they just get a teeny tiny endorsment in The Advertiser in the "Adelaide Confidential" section? it's sad,
they really don't know how to react, it's killed off countless promising careers before they even got started,
IT'S RUINED LIVES PEOPLE!! no...you gotta be "cruel to be kind" lest their heads explode. Which not only explains
my entire fucked up philosophy in regards to "live reviews"
(I'm so sorry everyone, I love your work but I'm doing this for your mental wellbeing!) but it's also all the more relevant to keep in mind when you consider THIS next award...why?
BECAUSE YOU SOOO DON'T WANT TO ENCOURAGE A GUITARIST,
OOOOH FUCK NO!! I mean don't get me wrong, I love what you do! I appreciate the mad hell out of it, I truly do, I can't get enough of it! I just know better than to tell that to your faces otherwise I'd never hear the end of it...FUUUCK!! No seriously! Every week AS IT IS: I'm getting a constant facebook feed of you freaks obsessing over your guitars, your pickups, your effect pedals...and do you know
why I took so many photos of that shit in 2011?
because a guitarist (
no not Dougie from Quiet In The Lab! but nice of you to think that
) begged me to provide more photos back in April, because apparently effects pedals to a guitarist = your version of porn; I'm not even kidding you!
YOU FUCKS CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THAT SHIT!!
IT'S ALL I EVER HEAR ABOUT!! guitarists spouting an endless littany of who's buying what, selling what, or
"LOOK WHAT I'VE GOT!!" in a 60's replica whatever-the-fuck
with an accompanying photo devil fingers raised AAAAUUGGHH!! I mean do you REALLY think I'm stupid enough to add fuel to THAT fire!? FUCK NO!! And so for 2011, and in the quietest way possible here?
take a bow Dan Cava from Surviving Sharks
*cough*...you da man!
DAN VARRICCHIO / JOSH VAN LOOY / TONY MARSHALL
SHANE MCINTYRE / TODD LAWRIE THE SPASTIC FLEA AWARD: PAT SARACINO
Aaaand where would we be without bass players maaan?
BASS PLAYERS? SHIT YEAAAH!!
living in a grey colourless world cruely bereft of countless acts of teenage pregnancy, public drunkeness, illicit drug abuse, nudity, fist fights and spastic trampoline accidents
possibly/to more than likely caused by all the above happening on said "trampoline"
...Jon Wignall? HAHAHAHA yeaaah pfft...that goes without saying! and I don't know WHY
I just mentioned Jon Wignall in relation to all that insanity;
"Jon who!?" (
and how could we've forgetten Tom Krieg so quickly!?
) yeaaah hmmm, perhaps that's a subject best not discussed in this timeslot/perhaps more on that later; but for me personally? I'd miss all the "mad shapes" they pull in this hypothetical "hell dimension" so bereft
of their spastic rubber-band presence,
I'D QUIT THE GIG PHOTOGRAPHY "BIZ" MAAAN, that shit'd totally be a deal breaker...FUUUCK!! I mean YES, I realise
there's more to the art of "bass playing" than just pulling shapes:
namely being able to play two maybe three chords in pop-and-lock time with the drummer without falling over (fuzz pedal optional); just as it's also about being the awesomest indie cliche ever: impossibly cute girl dropping out of artschool and joining a band (
playing the easiest to learn instrument save for the glockenspiel?
) so said "band" otherwise consisting of bespectacled geeks with countless food allergies writing obscurearse "math-pop/post-grunge" can totally get signed up by some boutique label thinking they're the next "Sonic Youth"; no offense to Kim Gordon (
she's a legend for countless and nameless reasons, please don't kill me!
) and no offense either to all the cute girls I know who play the bass: HELL NO!! you rock my world and if you're not already married, gay and/or homicidally insane? (actually y'know what? fuck it I'd totally go the latter at least once!) I'd so wanna be your token good-for-nothing boyfriend,
fuckpuppet, love/hate inspiration Jenny Lee Lindberg of Warpaint
...and errr perhaps I've said too much? (call me!) and *ahem* where was I again? OH YEAH, BASS PLAYERS!! The point is...if you're doing your job right as a "bass player" nobody's gonna pay attention; at least not to what you're PLAYING: it's meant to be discrete, near indivisible from the drumming save for a "gut feel".
You're a "rhythm section" working in sync with the drummer,
working as one, punching out shit 10ft tall like Voltron. Which is why, more so than just technical prowess? (
as much as technically there should be an award for that too, NEXT YEAR
), or being a "backseat guitar player" away from pulling a fullblown artist insurrection? this "Spastic Flea" award is all about being that undeniable stage presence, in going above and beyond in mastering the ancient art of "drop-octave human origami"...
it's all about the SHAPES maaan!
And as much as it IS a crime and a crying shame
that I wasn't running these whizzbang Spoz's Rant Awards prior to 2008
to acknowledge the mad shit Flik Freeman used to pull on the bass for Illicit Eve 2005-2007 (
and continues to do so now for The Venice Whalers
) I mean all that golden hair flying everywhere? it's an absolute face-melt I tell's ya! (
and it kills me that I only caught that one gig back in September!
) for the prize in 2011 I gotta give it to Adelaide's ultimate unsung bassist:
Pat Saracino of Like Leaves
. Yup, humble to a fault...not ONLY is he the maddest sight whenever he cuts loose on stage: all frizzy haired flailing
like a spastic labradoodle attempting to dry himself
to the point I wonder why I hadn't credited him sooner for all the years he's been killing it with Like Leaves, but also because one could argue without his uncanny knack
for hammering a hypnotic rhythm...so simple yet devilishly direct?
Like Leaves would be little more than a proverbial pissing contest/dog's breakfast between a bunch of over-qualified musicians
who wouldn't understand the concept of "too much of a good thing"
even if they were buried upto their necks in it! Duuude he makes the musical equivalent of "War And Peace"
something you can groove to!
And for that, and the fact I'm still bummed
never made it to the album? Pat, this one's for you!
ADRIAN REVERUZZI / FLICK FREEMAN / NICK O'CONNOR
ADAM VANDERWERF / AZZ SHAW THE RYAN MANOLAKIS AWARD: RYAN MANOLAKIS
Now after years of extensive research in the Adelaide scene;
and by "research" I obviously mean drinking;
and since I choose
to do all my "drinking" at live venues
and have done so for the past 10-15 odd years instead of say somewhere people might actually want to "attend" on a Friday or Saturday night in the off-chance of "getting some"? (instead of oh I dunno listening to a guitarist
bragging about the time they "MacGyvered" the pickup on their Fender Jaguar!?
SHIT YEAAAS!!) everyone assumes I'm a crack expert on all things "live music", in quite the same way that being under the age of 30 and working as a janitor at a university campus in Boston suddenly makes you "Good Will Hunting";
which we all know it obviously DOESN'T
and wait where the fuck was I again!? Utterly incapable of getting to the fucking point already without it unravelling in a retarded mess of misplaced punctuation and yet still managing to attract a "regular readership" of over 2000 each week?
HAHAHA oh yeah..."RESEARCH"
. And as such? I've come to conclude a few undeniable truths about the Adelaide scene: firstly we appear to have
a ridiculous overabundance in guitarists to the point that the Avant Gardeners can have six
and a band losing their third can actually be called a "catastrophe" (well it IS isn't it?
I mean have you heard how awesome three guitarists can sound?
FUUUCK!!) and secondly that we have a chronic under-supply of drummers. Now obviously there's a perfectly logical explanation for both...and it's that buying a drumkit, practicing with it for years on end,
only to cart it around from venue to venue
acting as your band's go-to "designated driver": is not only a costly, annoying and wildly inconvenient habit to take up, but ultimately detrimental to your mental health...and by "mental health"
I obviously mean DRINKING
. Which is why there's so many guitarists in Adelaide and also why so many of them
ultimately form psychedelic and stoner lo-fi surf bands
acting as defacto "lead singers" in almost every other band you ever see of late: because not only is it dirt cheap (ie:
all you need is a house brick and an unoccupied share-house to loot
) and you can drink all you want and STILL play? you can also be near "career unemployed" stoned out of your mind with no shoes
and people will still think you're Thurston Moore
(sillier still that's probably how the real Thurston Moore got started in the first place!). Or conversely? and this is a theory I prefer to prescribe to...there's so many guitarists in Adelaide and so FEW drummers because Ryan Manolakis has been systematically killing the latter, eating them all and absorbing their powers like Darwinism acted out at its most extreme;
or if you've ever seen Highlander? yup exactly like that
...only with drumkits instead of samurai swords and Stanier's doing the soundtrack instead of Queen. Which not only explains HOW Ryan Manolakis has been ruling near unopposed drumming in everything from
Bing Goes To Monaco
(and rumour has it
soon to be jamming with Manor?
) not to mention all the other upteen bands he's been drumming with over the years that I've foolishly forgotten the name of in all my..."extensive research" (
Damo Suzuki Network!? shit there's another!
); but also why this "drummer of the year" is named in his honour, and why he's been near undefeated in it...
save for 2010 when Aidan Moyse from Hawks Of Alba wowed us all
with his mad ability to play drums and glockenspiel at the same time (no mean feat!) and yes...why he must be stopped AT ALL COSTS. Only that'll be harder than you think now because
he's also been building up an army of hardcore drummer "disciples" to surround himself with
...because yup, not only does he play like a diabolical superarticulated octopus not of this dimension? he also teaches classes, and would you believe he also holds a top 2% ranking worldwide in "Rock Band" in this shit!? HAHAHA GET FUCKED!!
only he's such an upstanding individual too,
you couldn't possibly DREAM of giving it to anyone else? YOU BASTARD! Yup Ryan if ever there was a doubt in 2011? this award AGAIN goes to you; and yes I'm aware just how SILLY that sounds,
but if ever you'd seen him play?
you'd totally understand why!
AIDAN MOYSE / ROWAN MOUNT / SAM STEARNE
HONOURABLE MENTIONS: FLORENTINA PERGOLETA / NICK RUSSELL / TONY MITOLO
THE ART ZINOVIEV AWARD: JON WIGNALL
Now before we proceed to overly "congratulate" one
Jon "TRAMAPOLINE!!" Wignall
for winning it this year? let's take a momentary pause in respectful silence,
in honour of the late great Art Zinoviev:
namesake for this illustrious award...ILLUSTRIOUS I SAY!! *sniff* why damnit, why was he taken from us so soon!? WHHYYY!? Huh, what?
oh I'm not saying he's DEAD or anything;
HAHAHA really? far from it duuude! It's just that after many many years of keeping us wildly entertained, endlessly inspired...nay possibly even weirdly sexually aroused
by his spastic antics in Fire! Santa Rosa, Fire!
as their occassional "keyboardist", tambourinist and errr...ummm, yeaaah I'm kinda struggling for more words to describe
just what the fuck it is he actually DID on stage
besides killing it with the mad "spirit finger" jams
everytime his band played "Witch House"
but shit damn did he keep us all endlessly enthralled all the same? HAHAHAHA AND HOW!!
HE WAS LIVING LEGEND FOR US AAALL!!
he THEN made the confusing move mid November; or at least it was a shock to me initially: to leave his dream job as
"Adelaide's #1 embassador of raging awesomatude",
only to pursue an arguably awesomer career in Skyrim? Yes...SKYRIM! that's truly thinking and operating on a higher plane of existence to the rest of us! In fact not since
the legendary Frenchman Marcel Duchamp:
argued by many to be one of the most important and influential avant-garde artists of the 20th Century, ditched his
in favour of
playing chess instead?
have we seen a move so bold, so brazen, so gob smackingly brilliant, oh I shit you not...Art Zinoviev,
YOU ARE A GOD TO ME!!
no I'm dead serious maaan *sniff* I AM IN AWE! (or in other words I'm so insanely jealous I didn't choose this life for myself; FUUUCK!!). For to win this award, is to aspire to the highest of high echelons of artistic antithesis...I mean in the simplest of terms? one could describe it as being the maddest team mascot, muse, or figurehead for a band without ever actually adding anything to the sound of a band:
whether it be as "third guitarist"
hilariously drunk impersonation of a "lead singer"
or a shit-hot "glockenspiel artist"
...but that'd be an insult to those who truly excell at it. No let me cite a few winning examples. Mark Berry "Bez":
dancer for The Happy Mondays
. Joel Gion:
percussionist for The Brian Jonestown Massacre
. Keith Flint:
professional dickhead for The Prodigy
. To be that one band member everyone remembers, without ever being able to place what the fuck it IS they actually do? All the glory, the infamy, the mad kamikaze enthusiasm,
living that rock & roll aspiration to the fullest without ANY of the responsibility!?
THAT is what it takes to win an "Art Zinoviev"! And to every one of you exceptional nominees? and you should ALL be proud; it truly IS the best gig in town, I salute you all equally, in all sincerity I love your "work", every last one of you...FUCK I WISH I WAS YOU!! But the prize this year can go to none other than Jon Wignall, for
taking this shit so much further than Art Zinoviev could have ever dreamed of
...OH YES!! For his tireless efforts as "bass player" in whichever of the three bands he was briefly in this year:
20th Century Graduates
The Sweet Decline?
before he got fired from the first
after a freak "trampoline accident"
, only for the second one to break up on him (
or was it an indefinite hiatus by a lucky "coincidence"?
) and after
only playing a handful of shows with the third
figuring on a proverbial coin flip: "fuck it I'M MOVING TO MELBOURNE!!" only to forget to tell the band when they were
already scheduled to play Rocket Bar the following weekend
, leaving me to be the first to break the news to them (assuming they'd already know) drunk outside of Jive 5AM on a Saturday!? HAHAHA YOU SONOFABITCH!! Yup, for being ever so much more infamous in the Adelaide scene in 2011 for NOT playing in a band, than being IN a band?
For being that ridiculous "Jar Jar Binks" larger than life character
(and just as hilariously accident prone) that a good many people at one pointed wanted to have killed? and for almost killing ME with that dope cookie that took a good 2-3 hours to kick in
only to floor me silly at Supermild after that CD launch party back in May!?
Jon Wignall! As both a cautionary tale and an endless source of amusement for just about everything BUT the music
you played such a teeny tiny part in 2011?
you truly were an inspiration to us all!
ANTHONY WIGNALL / BENJAMIN COOPER / CARLY WHITTAKER
SCENE STEALER OF THE YEAR: DAVE BLUMBERG
But then there are those who simply can't rest easy in life...in that life of lazy, aimless, well below the poverty line "luxury": as maybe the fifth or sixth or seventh (
) wheel of a band, drinking all the beer rider, blaming it on the bass player...unless you happen to BE the bassplayer (
in which case you can totally blame it on the keyboardist
) playing the occassional solo, singing the odd backing vocal...just quietly enough so nobody ever suspects you're ever so slightly out of tune (aaah pfft...
they can totally T-pain that shit in the recording right?
), touring the country, mastering
the art of the "ventriloquist fart"
, being THAT
go-to circus clown in all the music vids
who then gets flying tackled by all the adoring fans who love the shit out of you for it, sometimes inside AND out in the biblical sense in the unisex toilets,
because hey you're just there to "enjoy the ride maaan!"
and the enthusiasm's infectious! and otherwise living up the ultimate dream
everyone who's ever done a partial arts degree pulling bongs at uni
only to drop out and dodge bullets in a dole queue for the next 2-12 years has ever aspired to...NO REALLY,
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM WITH FREAKING PARADISE DAMNIT!?
FUUUCK!! But no no, it's true! there are SOME musicians out there with actual, bona-fide, occassionally FREAKING SCARY career ambitions! and I don't just mean Ryan Manolakis slowly but surely and systematically replacing almost every other drummer in Adelaide either with himself
or one of his freakishly talented minions/clones;
as to be fair? drummers are immediately disqualified from winning this category as it's already assumed that they're playing in at least 3-4 bands to begin with...HA! No this category is to award those over-achieving "shining lights" of the Adelaide scene
who don't see fit to sit on the sidelines slumming it,
no they wanna be everywhere, doing it all, punching out the sun! And once their golden contribution is made known to you quite like a slap to the face and a subsequent slackjawed expression
to the many upteen iterations they appear in?
or for simply achieving above and beyond
in multiple instrument swappings in the one band
to the point you wonder if all the other members "performing" on stage are simply puppets under their control and it's all been a clever ruse? (
disqualification: Aidan Moyse!
) or shit maybe they just suffer from an undiagnosed attention deficit disorder and prescribe to the 'ol adage: "if at first you succeed at one thing, try everything, in as many different bands as possible, ALL AT THE SAME TIME!! AAAAHAHaHAhahAHAhAhA!!"? (
yeaaah not that I'd accuse anyone HERE of employing that tactic *ahem*
) you'll then wonder to yourself: no, no really
how in the hell has the Adelaide scene ever survived without them!?
And yup I can tell you now: it's been an absolute bitch to pick just ONE of these as winner too; to the point it's practically given me a nosebleed
overwhelmed by all their wildly prolific and insane antics!?
DUUUUDE!! So you know what...? fuck it! if you've been nominated? you more than deserve it, 50x over, take home a trophy, take all the trophies! here take my watch as well...gawd please don't hurt me!
YOU GUYS ARE FREAKING INSANE YO!!
you're doing way too much, all at once, switch to decaf or something before you kill someone...SHEEESH!! And as for why Dave Blumberg ultimately gets the award? well as much as he was in literally every second band in 2011 from
playing the clarinet!?
) and in too many other spontaneous batshit happenings in between that I couldn't even HOPE to keep track of to more than over qualify him in omnipresence alone. Or for the fact you couldn't possibly ignore his stage presence: equal parts
trainwreck, circus explosion and near statistically impossible "happy accident"
all rolled into one; or rather like watching someone hurl himself arse backwards down a flight of stairs only to make a three-point-landing every time; equally as a brilliant as he was brilliantly inept
and a comedy gift that kept on giving? HAHAHA AND HOW!!
Mostly, yeaaah I'm just giving him this in the hopes he'll stop trying so hard to get noticed with it. I mean no shit, he was awesome...
but in 2011 he was like a bad penny of awesome,
I COULDN'T GET RID OF HIM!!
CARLA LIPPIS / LARISSA PERRY / NAOMI KEYTE
THE TRANSATLANTIC'S RHYTHM SECTION (also in two other bands!?)
And so there we have it, the very first installment (of three) of
The 4th Annual Spoz's Rant Awards
. And yes I'm so very VERY sorry I had to put you through all that insanity too...I mean aren't the winners
meant to give out their OWN heartfelt speeches for this kinda shit:
thanking God, Satan, their manager, boyfriend, girlfriend, fuckpuppet, Centrelink/parole officer, parents, drug dealer whatever-the-fuck and "hi Grandma!" only for ME to cut them off woefully short
with some kinda off-putting theme music?
I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!? Adelaide's only music industry awards!? HAHAHA YOU BETCHA!!
and until one of us comes up with something better
...and please DO come up with something better! (this can't be doing us any favours) YOU CAN ALL GO SUCK IT IF YOU DISAGREE!! oh and *ahem* do please tune in for
you might still win something!
Previously on Spoz's Rant:
Ride Into The Sun and The Amcats (New Years Eve)