WE ARE ALL ON DRUGS
hi kiddies! and welcome to yet another spleen gurgling installment of SPOZ's RANT the weekend edition! as we thrill to the sights, the sounds.. and yes, even the fragrantly moist spongiform smells of the Adelaide music scene! take a deep whiff of the free floating floculant particles! soak in the gleeful chemical induced dementia! witness the regurgitant excess filling the sky with a fine mist of kaleidoscopic colours! all the uncontrollable flailing! all those pulsating lights! all the endless discordant screaming filling my skull till my brain can take no more and runs screaming to the hills begging for mercy! OH THE HUMANITY!! OH THE INSANITY!! THE HOWLING DEPRAVITY!! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD SUBJECT THEMSELVES TO THIS ENDLESSLY CORRUPTING STUPIDITY WEEK IN AND WEEK OUT!!?? WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING IN PERSISTING WITH THIS MADNESS!!?? WHO's GONNA THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!?? AAUAUAAUAUAAAGGGHHHHH!! *clunk*
yup.. it's come to this.. after surviving week after week endlessly "on tour" throughout the retarded circus that is this city's musical nightlife and surviving the punishing regiment that is required by the gonzo journalist in transcribing it.. I've been reduced to the level of a dribbling imbecile.. as we bring you this.. the hilariously fucked up hungover edition written by SPOZ's complete and utter inability to string two words together (or even to recognise simple shapes and colours)..
yes, that's right kiddies! witness the rarefied horror that is..
SPOZ's RANT - the children's picture book from hell!
note: for the ultimate viewing experience of this blog, either:
(a) drink 11 pints of PALE ALE, 1 glass of RED WINE, stay out till 6-7AM jumping around like a retarded idiot (as hair of the dog remedy for an equally stupid friday night out on the piss) and then read this blog with a monumental case of stultifying braindamage the next day.. or..
(b) surgically remove the frontal lobe of your brain..
either way, you'll probably appreciate the exceptional level of intellect I'm catering for here ;)FRIDAY NIGHT
see SPOZ at the shiny GOVERNOR HINDMARSH back room!
SPOZ come see TONY FONT SHOW, DAY ON FIRE and POCKET ACE!TONY FONT SHOW
play TONY FONT SHOW, you crazy funkmetal monkeys! play!
see MATT the fuzzy head bass player!
see RICH the tin man guitarist!
see LEE the schizoid lead singer!
see PHIL the spooky voodoo drummer!
LEE looks all squinty and constipated..
RICH looks like fuzzy hunchback..
LEE swings mic stand like big stick to hit SPOZ with.. *ouch*!
PHIL plays drums with chopsticks! (he so silly!)
MATT see blue lights and thinks he's a smurf..
LEE screams and MATT flaps his wings and thinks he can fly..
crowd gets really really fucked up! WAHOOO!! :)
uh oh.. LEE drop dead now.. bye bye TONY FONT SHOW! :)
now see SALLYCAT in beergarden, SALLYCAT wears fuzzy black coat!
now LEE wear fuzzy black coat! we thought LEE was dead, but it was only make pretend..
(so we beat him to death with big sticks in the parking lot.. YAY!)
RICH wears fuzzy black coat.. he looks fucked up! (he really isn't, but we know SALLYCAT is! :)
(and OOPS! we all missed DAY ON FIRE coz we got wasted on beer we stole backstage! YAY! :)
now see POCKET ACE!
play POCKET ACE play!POCKET ACE
see lead singer, he looks like he belongs in a boyband!
see the band play 80's powerballad funk cheese!
crowd is full of old commercial radio type people! old people scary, so we hide in beer garden!
drummer's got a really big drumkit..
drummer yells "ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE!!?" and plays 10 minute drum solo..
we think this is fucked up, so we hide in beer garden till he goes away! :)
POCKET ACE were silly, but they were ok coz they had crispy creme donuts backstage!
but we liked TONY FONT SHOW more.. coz they gave us all the free beer! YAY! :)
now see SPOZ at the CRANKA!
see SALLYCAT also at the CRANKA!
see SIMEON at the CRANKA!
SPOZ steals SIMEON's glasses..
and now SPOZ looks silly, coz SPOZ is fucked up and wasted!
SPOZ see SEAN and CRAIG from BOOSTER!
SPOZ see SEAN and W SHANE drink lots of beer! weeee!
SPOZ drinks lots of beer too and goes all blurry and fucked up on the dancefloor! :)
uh oh.. it's 4AM, so SPOZ drop dead now..
bye bye SPOZ! :)SATURDAY NIGHT
see SPOZ at FAD CAFE
SPOZ come see MRS WAINRIGHT, MUNCHKIN (and some band who's name SPOZ forgot! OOPS!)
SPOZ sees MRS WAINRIGHT, but country folk acoustic scares SPOZ, so he runs away!
run SPOZ run!
so now see SPOZ at ENIGMA!
SPOZ see KASAVETT, ANGELIK and THE FAUVES!
and SPOZ gets name on door! YAY! :)KASAVETT
see KASAVETT play!
play KASAVETT play!
KASAVETT play like fucked up angry rock ferrets!
angry ferrets who play really really fast snarly garage rock..
now see tiny MOLE MAN dance crazy out front!
dance you tiny MOLE MAN! dance! YAHOOOO!! :)
but now SPOZ looks at watch, SPOZ sees time, *OH SHIT!*
SPOZ runs back to FAD CAFE, run SPOZ run!
SPOZ wants to catch next band he forgot name of,
coz SPOZ knows dude in band who look like FRODO..
but band wont play for another 20 minutes!
SPOZ looks at watch again, SPOZ sees time, *OH SHIT!*
SPOZ runs back to ENIGMA!
AAUUAUAUAUAGGHHH!! run SPOZ run!
now SPOZ back at ENIGMA!
SPOZ see SEAN and MUNGA!ANGELIK
SPOZ now see ANGELIK on stage!
play ANGELIK, you shredding pisshead rock monkeys, play!
see NICK the fuckoff loud bass player!
see LAKEN the howling triple octave singer!
see SAM the doom guitarist!
LAKEN point, flail and do crazy swirly dance on stage! woooo!
now LAKEN go sing at the floor, me think LAKEN lost her marbles and is now looking for them!
SPOZ looks at watch again, SPOZ sees time, *OH SHIT!*
bye bye ANGELIK! :)MUNCHKIN
now SPOZ runs to FAD again!
run SPOZ you fucking idiot, run!
SPOZ wants to see MUNCHKIN..
MUNCHIN wants SPOZ to be their mixer..
but SPOZ can't mix for shit, uh oh!
but then MUNCHKIN give SPOZ lots of beer!
so now SPOZ is happy.. YAY! :)
see DALE the crazyfrog guitarist!
see GEDDY the rubber chicken bass player!
see OPTIMUS PRIME the funky robot drum machine!
see KALIAH the midget singer sing her tiny little lungs out! YAY! :)
SPOZ drinks all of MUNCHKIN's beer rider..
SPOZ see photo exhibit upstairs..
and OOPS! SPOZ misses FAUVES gig at ENIGMA!
but it's ok, coz ANGELIK drinks all of FAUVES beer rider too! YAY! :)
now see SPOZ at CRANKA again!
SPOZ steal stripey beanie from ANDREAS from SOFT WHITE MACHINE..
ANDREAS has fluffy hat hair, he looks all drunk n goofy looking..
come to think of it, so does SPOZ! YAY!
now SPOZ go see DJ IAN, he play idiotic indie pop cheese..
but people dont seem to mind and dance like fuckoff crazy muppets anywaze!
too many people give SPOZ free alcohol, so SPOZ gets really happy.. weeeeee! :)
SPOZ then plays really drunk game of pool at 4AM with ANDREAS..
game is so bad that SPOZ and ANDREAS get thrown out of CRANKA!
so now see SPOZ at SHOTZ!
see SPOZ go really silly and falls over lots on the dance floor..
but now SHOTS close at 5AM..
so SPOZ get thrown out of SHOTZ too.. boooo!
so now see SPOZ at FUNKY CRAPS!
SPOZ eat junkfood..
junkfood is bad!
SPOZ forgot wot he ordered..
SPOZ's brain no work no good no more..
uh oh.. it past 6AM now!
SPOZ drop dead!
bye bye SPOZ! :)
*ahem* and thus ends the cautionary tale of why you shouldn't spend too many weekends in a row drinking all the band's beer ride or accepting every single free beer or drink that's offered your way, simply because you happen to be that grinning idiot responsible for that half arsed attempt at music journalism called "SPOZ's RANT".. coz like whooaaaaa maaaan.. that shit will FUCK YO'Z UP! ;)
here's hoping NEXT weekend will have mercy on my poor broken brain and not throw so much damn freaking live music gigs my way *cough* (yeah, I can only wish.. hahahahahaha!)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Midnight In A Perfect World