DOPE HATS / COMMANDO CHAIR
a wise man once said, "excessive dope smoking inevitably leads to carpentry"..
by the same token, it could also be said that "excessive alcohol consumption inevitably leads to performance art".. although.. whether or not what we did this weekend could actually be defined as "ART", or even "PERFORMANCE" is really up for interpretation.. but don't be surprised if we somehow end up as a late addition to this year's FRINGE FESTIVAL..
yup.. as promised earlier.. here now is the full story of the other missing 1/2 of the weekend: a tale so ridiculously stupid and drunkenly idiotic that I had to split the weekend blog into 2 installments just so I could fit it all in..
read on.. and you'll understand why..
the tale begins simply enough - SATURDAY NIGHT after the TONY FONT SHOW set at JIVE.. after waaay too many beers to count.. and too few braincells.. we thought it would be hilarious to steal PHIL's hat and piss about with it..
it's an idea tried many times before, but we still find it piss funny..
if occassionally clumsy to execute..
as you can see, not exactly the smartest of jokes..
some worked it to their own avantage..
others eased into the role..
this however was the point where we knew we'd taken the joke WAY too far..
we promptly returned the hat to PHIL and chose not to speak of it ever again..
(lest the nightmares of this one returned)
looking for new things to entertain us.. we left JIVE and headed once again to the GARDEN OF UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS in the east parklands.. along the way stopping off at a BOTTLE SHOP in HINDLEY ST to fuel up on COOPERS PALE ALES for the long journey ahead..
as we headed into the mall, we observed an alarmingly large number of girls wearing those "tiny tiny short shorts" you see all the fashion nazi's wearing of late instead of mini skirts.. and sure, on some of 'em it really worked and they looked hotter than hell.. others however just looked like hapless fashion victims hoping nobody would pay too much attention to how silly they looked, praying desperately for summer to end..
endlessly fascinated by this phenomenon, me and Chelsea thought we'd make a song out've it (as you do after too many beers) staggering down the mall singing "SHEEEE GOT TINY SHORTS!! TINY SHORTS!!" over and over in a ridiculously high pitched shrieking wail.. terrorising passers by.. and inventing new verses and choruses as we went along (if only I could remember how it all went, this shit could've gone triple platinum)
kicking it up a notch.. we then proceeded to follow some of the sillier ones around, humming a few bars stealthily behind them before bursting into song, howling "TINY SHORTS!! TINY TINY SHORT SHORTS!! OOOOOO YEAAAAAH!!! YOU WEAR THOSE SHORTS OH SOOOO TIIIIINY!!!".. ocassionally mixing in the other variant, "HOT PAAAAANTS! AND BOOOOOBIE TUUUUUBES!! WEEEEE-EEEEEE WOOOOOO AUAUAUUAUAUAAAAAAAAAHHHH YAAAAAA!!" watching them scatter like gazelles as we did and pissing ourselves laughing..
obviously such surprise attention got to be too much for the fashion victims, and I think one of them was even reduced to tears..
a moment to pause and re-evaluate our strategy..
was this performance piece too ahead of it's time?
a little too brash and exuburent?
too confrontational for public tastes?
we knew the people weren't ready for this, so we decided to change gears and try something a little more user friendly..
finally arriving at the GARDENS.. me and Chelsea were then reminded of a drunken prank we tried here the night before, when we stumbled upon this tent with a swivel chair and a sign in front of it..
"His mind can see what his eye's can't - Would you believe it if you'd seen it with your own eyes?"
it looked long since abandoned for the night.. so, with no-one else within sight.. and seeing an opportunity for something stupid.. we took this photo..
apparently this annoyed the original owner of the chair.. who emerged in a huff from his tent barking about a fee of $2.50 for the privelidge of sitting in this pissy 'ol contraption.. we somehow talked our way out've it.. and fled the scene vowing revenge..
when we returned tonight we discovered the chair and the sign had now been removed..
and yet, as luck would have it, we spotted a whole bunch of cafe chairs lying around in the near vicinity begging to be exploited.. so once again, with no-one around and no signs of the original owner.. we saw the opportunity for more mischief, in a prank we simply titled "COMMANDO CHAIR"..
forming a team of 3 people, we'd come running at our chosen target, chanting "COMMANDO CHAIR!! COMMANDO CHAIR!!".. grab them, drag them with us (sometimes after much convincing) and charge frantically towards our destination.. one of our team would then rush for the chair, placing it on the platform.. another would position the light and fire it up.. the victim would be told to sit and pose.. and I would rapidly fire off the camera, soon after screaming "MOVE!! GET OUTTA HERE AUAUAUUAAAHH!!!!" at which point we all fled the scene running in a mad idiot panic..
we initially tested this out on our friends..
some looked quite confused..
some were camera shy..
others like rabbits in the headlights..
and yet, each time they fled the scene, thru all the confusion, you could see a wide grin on their faces like they experienced something truly unique..
so we experimented on random members of the public..
word soon got out.. and all sorts of freaks were lining up to try it out..
I seriously have no idea where we dug THIS lunatic up from..
even the TINY SHORTS demographic were enjoying it..
(methinks it wuz perfectly suited to their rarified level of intellect..)
obviously we too had to get in on the act..
the clown took a LOT of convincing..
the security guard however, proved surprisingly more than eager..
but soon the whole thing got horribly out've hand and we had to shut it down..
somehow, through all of this insanity, the original site owner was nowhere to be seen and none the wiser of any of the events that transpired this night (he'd probably have an aneurysm if he saw this blog.. hehehe) yup, it wuz a freaking claaaassic!
in hindsight, none of us could quite understand wot the hell any of this shit meant.. but by all appearances it was a raging success..
in fact, we might try this shit out again next weekend ;)
so, let this be a warning to everyone and anyone who thinks it wise to head outdoors in the next few weeks to see the FRINGE and the ADELAIDE FESTIVAL OF ARTS.. when you see a hoard of raging pissheads come screaming towards you.. it's probably best to just accept it and go with the flow.. coz, if you don't choose the art.. IT WILL CHOOSE YOU!
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Fringe Dwellers In A Festival Of The Dark Arts