GO FOR BROKE
this blog post is brought to you by the vitamin B - utilized for centuries by the russian military to counteract the evil after-effects of drinking your own weight in vodka whilst surviving yet another ill-advised winter offensive from invading armies from the west.. vitamin B.. not as irritatingly fruity and demasculating as vitamin C.. not as pretensious and artsy as vitamin K.. when vitamin D wont get the job done and your running out've other alphabet letters to make vitamin's out've.. go the vitamin B.. when you discover that your own urine has become a fire hazard.. when you feel like a newborn mammoth is gonna burst out've your skull any minute now if only those pesky eye sockets weren't blocking it's stampede to freedom, you know what you can turn to.. oh yes! vitamin B.. for when your sinuses have filled with sand and broken glass.. when your hairy tongue could strip the paint off walls and your breath is considered an illegal nerve agent in the U.N. human rights charter.. reach for the vitamin B.. when you find all your furniture nailed to the ceiling and you shriek and hide from the light lest the infernal sunshine causes you to shrivel to dust.. vitamin B will ease yer pain.. when you wake up in strange surroundings.. when you can't recognise any of the people around you and nobody's speaking english.. and you look back.. wondering.. how DID I get here? why am I in this tub of ice? why am I covered in these mad scriblings? did JOHN G kill my wife? do I even have a wife? am I in vegas again? and why are those bats circling around my head looking to suck my blood? yes.. without vitamin B.. we'd be hitting each other over the head with frozen fish by now.. vitamin B.. the silent crusader.. the glue of society.. the styrofoam peanuts of your soul.. it's moments like these.. as you sift thru the jumbled mess of half forgotten memories splattered over the bathroom floor.. that you may wish you could've documented the whole disaster.. the memory of which is now rapidly circling the drain into ignorance and oblivion.. if only you had a camera and the drunken fixation for capturing the sublime and the ridiculous then maybe you could make sense of all this (or at least provide some evidence for the benefit of the legal team defending you)..
thankfully for you.. I have documented such a journey into the retarded and the bubbling regurgitant.. and yup.. it's been an absolute freaking blinding oddessy this weekend.. probably the biggest one in ages.. an epic 4 nights in a row of liver shattering fury.. and with my trusty digital camera and verbal diorrhea in tow.. I can present to you my weekend live in technicolour (minus the 3dimensional yawning..) and beamed worldwide direct to your optic nerves..
check yer spleen at the door.. remove all metal items.. and step on thru..
phew.. so many damn photos this weekend huh? seriously, do y'self a favour.. if yer running out've toilet paper.. just print this blogroll out and it'll keep you well stocked for weeks.. BLOGROLL!?!? AHAHAHAHHAHAHA.. me made a funny!
*ahem*.. anywaze.. here's the textual rundown of wot went down (in case that freaking photographic shitstorm you just witnessed wuzn't enough to placate you..)WEDNESDAY
kicked off proceedings with an afternoon photoshoot at JIVE for a smelly little funk/rock/metal act called the "TONY FONTY SHOW" and by a briliant stroke of strategic brilliance by she-who-shall-not-be-named (coz Chelsea hates to be mentioned in this blog) I wuz one of 3 people working an overbooked photographic firing squad on these poor bastards.. the whole thing reminding me of that schitzoid hollywood premiere scene in the movie THE AVIATOR with all the shattering flashbulbs and the crazy squinting.. except y'know.. it was with a band.. not so much with the crazy hygiene and the mental dysfunction.. and.. um.. shit? why did I use this movie reference? arrr fuck (although maybe this explains why the lead singer wears gloves all the time on stage.. perhaps he's a germaphobe?) and despite the band running around like amphetamized ferrets looking this way and that while cameras from all angles machinegunned them into submission, I still managed to pull some cool shots.. so all good there.. (makes me all curious wot those other 2 dudes got.. Sally, if ya reading this, send some of yer funky stuff down.. k?)
with the sun beginning to set, I ducked off for some Kentucky Fried Camel.. returning back to the scene of the crime for she-who-shall-not-be-named's (coz Chelsea hates to be mentioned in this blog) going away party.. yup.. she's pissing off to the USA for a month.. and right now is probably reading this whilst stuck in a freezing attic in AUSTIN somewhere surviving on shitty beer and frozen squirrel carcasses, finger poised on the comment button ready to give me hell on wot'ever jokes I will be making at her expense (knowing full well she's too far away to retaliate.. MUHAHAHA!).. yup this blog's dedicated to you kiddo! may I make you horribly homesick over the next month over all the crazy shit you'll be missing.. (expect a drop in the Coopers share prices in her absence..) this blog entry is also dedicated to Rach.. who just RETURNED from the USA after "4 years in hell".. and maybe now she's back, she can finally reveal the truth of what really went on over there.. is it true she wuz incarcerated in Guantanemo Bay all this time?.. or maybe.. she wuz working for the CIA..? yup, I want answers dammit.. and I wont accept yer excuse of "meh.. I did nothing" for 4 years as an excuse :P
performing at she-who-shall-not-be-named's party (coz Chelsea hates to be.. haha.. oh nevermind..) wuz TONY FONT SHOW.. and yeah, I could mention some shit here about their gig.. but since they played again on Friday night, I couldn't be arsed.. so.. yeah.. fuck 'em, I ain't making more than 3 references to them in a blog here (otherwise MUNCHKIN may get jealous that I'm seeing other bands.. "awww c'mon, you said you were on a break!?!").. yeah, good gig tho'.. you guys r nuts.. and don't worry Munchkin.. I haven't forgotten you in yer absense, yer still the only funky muppet triphop act for me (hmmm.. hopefully SWEEPER's not reading this.. damn.. I'm just a freaking rockwhore aren't I?) aaah yes.. Adelaide bands.. gotta love them colourful idiots.. so easy to ridicule.. aaand we're moving on..THURSDAY NIGHT
for the first time in freaking ages.. (aka: we're not dead we're just "sleeping" - ie: see YOUR MOTIVE FOR) we played a SUBWOOFER gig at the frontbar of the GOVERNOR HINDMARSH.. supported by some scruffy looking DJ dude called FLUKE knocking up some funkin' jazzy drum n bass jams on his turntables to a near empty room of 3 or 4 of his friends.. we were almost expecting the same fate when we got on stage (except our 3-4 friends left at the start of our gig.. baaastards!).. and yet.. it all turned around after 10 minutes into the set when the place filled up to the ceiling with all these maniacs spilling out across the road from the ENTERTAINMENT CENTRE after a diabolical MOTLEY CREW / MOTORHEAD gig.. picture the frontbar of the GOV.. packed to the gills with all these mulleted / leather jacket loons shrieking, throwing beer glasses shattering every 2 minutes.. headbanging.. chicks out the front dancing.. loons out the back screaming "yooooooo SUCK!" only then to rock out as the drugs kicked in and the only thing stopping them from rioting wuz us 2 idiots in the corner with 2 laptops and a mic playing our wacky "techno shit".. we were only meant to play for 45 minutes.. but, to keep the crowd from trashing the joint we were called to play on for twice as long.. yeaaah.. wot a fucking buzzzz maaaan.. :) cheers to W Shane Forster for setting this shit up.. cheers to Kaliah and Rosie for showing up at the last minute (you funky chicks are the coolest :) ) and cheers also to Craig and Celia and all you other freaks who were there at the start.. (even if you did fuck off early and miss all the fun.. baaastards!)
(coming soon (in a week or two) I'll have the audio recording of this gig posted online so you can hear wot you missed.. look out for it.. it's gonna be uuuge!)
fueled up on beer rider and all retarded with tinitus after the gig.. we pissed on at ENIGMA and then the CRANKA.. finally getting kicked out as the doors closed at 4AM.. we then walked an hour over half of Adelaide back to a friend's place in the western suburbs (ie: freaking miles away) since none of us could be arsed to spend money on a taxi.. I finally got home that night, 7AM the next morning.. shuffling my smelly corpse onto a morning bus whilst a bunch of people in business suits gave me funny looks on the way to work (aaaah.. gotta love that shit)FRIDAY NIGHT
somewhat worse for wear after the rinse-out from the night before I found myself at the CRANKA again, to catch THE TONY FONT SHOW, THE BLACK DOVES and some idiot band called the VENTOLINS (last minute replacement)..
kicking off the night were the VENTOLINS (I think that wuz their name) playing wot could only be described as the sound of vacuum cleaners having violent sex in a wind tunnel with a cement mixer.. equal parts stoner TOOL type experimentalisms.. and shredding / screaming / vacuum porn distortion metal antics.. most of the band wore idiotic monster masks and paint overalls.. one singer wore a lampshade on his head, the other wore a lunatic orange raincoat.. yeah.. words can barely do justice to this insanity.. one could only wish somebody could make a booking error between these guys and the WIGGLES.. and get THESE fukka's to play children's parties.. maaan.. that'd fuck people up for life.. :)
up next, the TONY FONT SHOW.. playing their spastic adrenalin charged bass slapping, epilectic vocalised funk/metal/rock cartoon fueled carnage on an unsuspecting CRANKA crowd.. by about the 3rd song in.. the place had gone nuts.. the band totally losing their shit running around like excitable children.. the lead singer twitching like a demented cockroach in the crowd (see photo's) and otherwise doing himself an injury and violating the other band members in crazy ways as only the funk-force would allow.. yeah.. these comical crack-fiends fucked the place up good n proper.. it wuz a freaking bombsite in there.. seriously.. these lunatics are gonna go far.. next time they play.. do y'self a favour.. bring a crash helmet, some knee and elbow pads.. and go see 'em.. they'll fucking kill ya..
following them.. the BLACK DOVES.. the band formely known as BARCODE.. formerly known as the scariest freaking goth electro band in Adelaide.. and now with their new drummer, bass player and female vocalist.. are now bringing the fuzzy-wuzzy-wrist-slashing-synthpop to the pasty skinned funeral masses.. it wuz a freaking love-in for the TIM BURTON set.. all melodic n shit with the screaming and the pain and the projectile moshers killing themselves on the foldback speakers.. the weirdest highlight (and I kid you not) wuz when one of the female audience members wuz so engulfed in the insanity.. she tore her shirt and bra off.. leapt on stage.. grabbed a tamborine.. and proceeded to play topless on stage for the next 10 minutes letting it all fly around.. maaan.. wot a sight for sore eyes (and dammit.. WHY OH WHY COULD I NOT GET A FREAKING DECENT PHOTO OF THAT!!?? fucking overheated flash unit.. nnnnnnnnnarrggh!!).. yeah.. they may have this new sing-a-long goth-pop sound now.. but damn those BLACK DOVES have still got the shit.. niice one dudes!
after a few more beers and with not a dime left to spend.. I made an early getaway somewhat past midnight.. to recharge..SATURDAY NIGHT
I was broke and I was broken in at least 206 places like a crashtest dummy thrown into the middle of a Glasgow pub brawl.. and yet.. just when I thought I was out.. they pulllled me back in.. (cheers to STUCKEY who shouted me a ride and a few beers.. rock on!).. the first destination tonight.. JIVE (again).. to catch a shitload of howling metal bands there to play TONY's birthday party (TONY being the crazy screaming bald headed dude who may see regularly haunting the pool tables of the CRANKA).. we missed the first two bands (there were 4 overall apparently) arriving in time to catch 21 DIVISION.. essentially they were ya stock standard vacuum cleaner hooked up to a megaphone fury of death metal that all you kiddies know and love to do y'self injury to.. and despite my neck feeling like it was broken in 5 places from moshing the night before I found myself out there again.. destroying myself in the mosh once more.. all for the sake of the buzz.. yeaah.. you dude's are fucked up.. but yer alright by me..
up next.. Tony's band "BURN THE ASHES".. a curious mix of creepy spoken word, stoner noodlings, the finest calibre of brain destroying metal fury, ear splitting lunatic screaming and JACKASS.. since 1/2 way thru the gig, whilst the lead singer Tony wuz all fueled up on birthday intoxicants, he managed to dislocate his kneecap and went crashing to the ground.. oddly enough.. making LESS of a howling noise of screaming pain in the process than he did for the rest of the gig.. but, thankfully.. after several chairs, stools, crushed ice packs and alcohol was rushed in to his aid and after his kneecap wuz helpfully bashed back into it's socket, they kicked on to the finish the rest of their set in style.. and to that.. I cough up litres of my own blood, bite the head off a bat, set meself on fire and give you the demon fingers of utmost respect in saluting you.. yeah.. I may not be a metal fan.. but.. DAMN YOU GUYS ARE THE SHIT.. YEAAAAH!! FUCKING KILL Y'SELVES ON STAGE.. and KEEP ON KILLING.. YEAAAAAAAH!! ROCK!!
I thought this would be it.. and yet.. I somehow ended up continuing the onslaught when we all shuffled off to the CROWN N SCEPTRE (aka: the SEPTIC) to catch the full throttle full band jamming funk / electro of the LEVITATORS.. tearing the roof off in a room packed out in a steaming sauna of human bodies bounding off the walls.. all bouncy bouncy funk jams.. funk guitar.. bongos and fuzzing synths.. yeah.. that wuz some damn funky shit.. I could hardly walk at this point.. but I danced like a loon regardless.. pure insanity.. damn good buzz.. good times.. and when the band left the stage and the DJ kicked on with a breakbeat jam I wuz still out there going nuts.. only to leave the floor every 10-15 minutes or so to drink a gallon of water lost to sweat.. yeah.. I'd hate to smell that place the next day.. eeeee!
so there we have it kiddies..
4 nights in a row of liver destroying fury..
covered in crazy bruises..
eyes vacant and zombielike..
ears humming like a fridge..
walking like a stop-animation plasticine monster..
brain like a Jackson Pollack painting..
my throat feels like a gravel driveaway..
I can only speak in cracked gargles and grunts..
you could measure the damage to my throat like rings on a tree.. listen as I still cough up little bits of wednesday..
I should've been declared dead on the spot..
and yet living it up like there's no tomorrow..
ROCK and FUCKING ROLL biaaaaatch!!
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Dislodged Brain Log, Or Is This My Pre-emptive Epilogue?