101 DUMB THINGS TO DO ON A NUMB NUTS COLD WEEKEND
first of all.. no you smartarse bastards I DONT have 101 reasons to write out here.. yeah, no seriously.. YOU try writing 101 reasons on a hangover let alone hope 1/2 my illiterate audience here have a chance in hell of being able to read it.. and I know you're only here coz (a) I have all these shiny photos.. and everyone loves shiny photos (b) none of you DO anything all weekend.. and you're just hoping I did.. so then you can steal all me anecdotes and pass them off as yer own to all your work buddies.. yeah.. don't think I don't know.. I can see thru your lies.. HA! you make me so SICK!!
anyhoo.. for the last few weekends here, I've been going off like a little bitch on how all you freaks (yeah.. YOU) stay home in the winter months.. how Adelaide becomes this big tumbleweed inhabited ghost-town the minute the mercury drops below 20 degrees.. yeah.. it really gives me the shits.. and I bet it probably puts you to sleep reading about it.. suffice to say.. I don't usually bitch about the weather I just love bitching about all YOU slack bastards can't handle a bit of the cold.. now.. well, ok.. guess I'm bitching about the weather now.. coz HOLY MONKEY FUCKING BALL DROPPING FUCK is it cold!
yeah.. and silly me.. I'm out on the weekends like a floating icecube anywaze.. call me crazy.. but that's wot I do.. that is my dedication to the weekend.. YES.. nothing so trivial and life threatening as frozen nipple pokey is gonna shut me indoors.. oh NO..
and yet.. when I do venture out.. I've discovered this winter of discontent is all about the latest wank accessory in the land of indie rock and beer abuse.. the scarf.. yeah.. in summer it was those retarded little hats that made you look like a jazz band beaten up in a back alley by 1930's chicago mafia.. and now, it's the scarfs.. big fluffy lunatic scarves.. I mean shit.. wot's UP with that? sure.. I bitch about the cold.. but then you consider all those countries out there laughing at us "YOU CALL THIS COLD!? HA! I LARF AT YOUR COLD!! I SPIT MY VODKA AT YOU AND FLAUNT MY VASTLY SUPERIOR CULTURE WITH THE WEIRD CLOG DANCING WITH THE MOOSE ANTLERS AND THE WACKY KNEE SLAPPING DANCING WITH THE SPORTS WITH THE WEIRD NETS, ICE AND BROOMS AT YOU.. HA!!" (note: for extra laughs.. try saying THAT with a mouth full of haggis..) yeah you can even see Victorians laughing at us.. (then laughing at US!? how dare they.. oh yeah.. right.. nevermind..) seriously wot a bunch of panty waists are we?
on the flipside tho'.. it makes a hilarious excuse for photographic stupidity..
and so without more bullshit from me, here's wot I got upto this weekend.. enjoy the vicarious thrills you wacky wacky winter shut-ins..
and now for the details..FRIDAY NIGHT
yeah.. so it wuz freaking cold.. and I should've stayed at home.. but at the last minute I headed out anywaze.. I knew the beer needed me.. or perhaps the crowd at my favourite haunts needed that one retarded loon who always goes "WOOOOOOOOO!!" in a high pitched drone instead of just politely applauding and grumbling into their beer like a normal person.. yeah.. I'm that guy.. don't you hate that guy? weird to think I actually have a fanclub out there..
so.. I headed to the JADE MONKEY.. home to the infamous psychic bartender.. really.. without fail.. everytime I walk upto that bar.. the dude sees me.. produces me the exact beer I wanted.. no verbal exchange.. no nothing.. seriously.. how does he know I'm gonna drink a Coopers Pale Ale every time..? like wow maan.. eerie..
I was there for the bands.. well.. um.. I think I was.. fuckit.. I wuz there for the beer.. but anywaze.. special mention goes to LA FEMME LE FEVRE.. or wot'ever the fuck their name is.. yeah.. they're a freakin' kickarse band.. sure they're a pale rip off of BIT BY BATS with some wacky front-mullets.. but DAMN do they rock.. yeah.. I take my non-existent hat off to you guys.. I wont bother mentioning TRAFALGARS (except to say the drummer looks like Ralph Wiggum from the Simpsons.. and their retarded scarf fixation..) or the HOVERCRAFTS (I did enjoy getting really drunk / semi stoned prior going nuts to their "CD LAUNCH" set tho'.. so by all accounts.. nice one guys.. yeah.. I wuz kinda surprised I didn't fall over..)
I think I remembered appearing at the CRANKA at some stage.. um.. don't remember much of wot the hell I did there.. or anything of SHOTS after that.. which.. all in all.. makes for a great Friday night.. oh.. except I remembered once again attempting to request BOOSTER from the SHOTS DJ (and once again being told "oops.. I forgot to bring it tonight.." seriously.. Sean? I'd do something about that..) yeah.. good night.. didn't see any of YOU freaks out there.. but a good one.. maaan wuz I seedy the next day.. I swear I almost blacked out when I went to the toilet for a drunken urination at 8AM.. yeeeHA!SATURDAY NIGHT
aaah.. ya gotta love the Lizard Lounge.. or perhaps you gotta despise it with a passion and declare jihad on it.. really.. each to their own.. but, here's a venue so resplendantly shoddy that they appeared on ROVE LIVE in the "My Restaurant Sucks" contest.. and LOST it.. yeah.. that's how shoddy they are.. one thing I find extra cool with the place.. is, not only is it an old basement Pizza Hutt.. and not only have they done nothing to hide that fact.. (except for some spastic twinkley fairy lights and some vomit enducing 70's porn vegas carpet) but.. they also exploit the fine loopholes in the Live Venue / Liquor Licensing laws to full and hilarious effect.. of course.. I could be making shit up.. but the word goes.. it's much cheaper to apply for a liquor license if you're a restaurant than if you're a live music venue.. so.. to keep them within the "restuarant" catagory.. every now and then.. one of the smiling staff will offer little freebie nibbles. like minature shepherd's pies.. or garlic bread.. coz. if they're serving food.. then obviously.. it's a restuarant.. just don't take any notice of the stage setup.. the screaming decibels.. all the punters with a beer in their hand.. (and the fact I cant spell "restuarant").. etc.. etc.. oh.. and check out those crazy beer glasses these guys got.. (1st photo) is that shit fucked up or wot? these things are freaking huuge!
so.. why wuz I there? well... I was there to see SWEEPER.. (the band apparently not called SEETHER.. hmmm.. wuz I drunk when I wrote that..? yeah.. sorry guys..) aaah yes.. just the sorta self destructive shit to play when you're tearing up old carpet.. dismantling furniture.. staggering blind drunk tipping over a bookshelf or china cabinet.. or when A CURRENT AFFAIR / TODAY TONIGHT does another one of those "kids out've control / Ritalin / Attention Deficit Disorder" specials.. yeah.. you guys rock.. all that crazy screaming and throwing shit around? really.. can't get enough of that shit.. yeah..
for once.. the LIZARD LOUNGE wuz packed.. I mean.. wall to wall weird and colourful indie freaks packed.. fuck.. there wuz even this one retarded loon funkin' about in a bear suit.. don't believe me? look at photo's.. he's like right there dude.. yeah.. dude in a bear suit.. GO YOU ROCK PIG.. um.. bear type dude.. ROCK!!..
I think overall there were 10 bands playing this wacky basement turd hole like a really tiny rock festival (no, really.. Lizard Lounge.. I dig you guys.. I just love making fun of your venue.. k?).. dont think I really gave 1/2 a rats arse about the other bands.. oh.. except for that one with the bear suit guy.. "Central Deli Band" I think they were called.. yeah.. you guys were freaking bizarre.. I'd party with you freaks ANYTIME!
I remember vaguely finding myself in SUPERMILD afterwards.. sinking more piss.. till when the lights came on at 5AM.. and the rest of me travelling circus freaks decided to kick on.. at wot'ever the freakin' hell is open at 5AM recovery place.. I decided to take a messy taxi home..
yeah.. reeally.. it wuz too freaking cold and I should've just stayed home this weekend.. but.. to think I would've missed out on all this..
oh.. btw.. I should mention.. there's another hilarious story in this weekend.. one that's quite possibly page 5 of the newspaper worthy.. but.. for sake of confidentiality.. I can't make fun of this one till at least a week has passed.. really.. you'd bug out.. (and nobody who wuz there go posting any hints in me comments.. or ask me any questions about it.. or I'll fookin' 'ave ya.. aiiight?)
there.. that's me post done.. switch off your PC.. you're done for the day..
Previously on Spoz's Rant: The Card Says 'Moops'