:: Saturday, July 03, 2004
SPOZ ROADTESTS - "AMBER ALE"
*ow my freakin' cranium*.. yes, that's right kiddies, SPOZ went and roadtested another "new" product last night - James Squire's AMBER ALE.. (that crazy beer on tap in some Adelaide pubs with the really dumb swirly cursive font..) risking life, limb and liver to bring you the goods.. so.. wot are my thoughts?
- the logo sucks.. it's really really gay, all swirly n cursive and light brown, so gay its an affront to all gay people who should immediately send the QUEER EYE fab 5 to beat 'em senseless over the head with matching furniture ensembles..
- it's this freakish deep red colour.. which is kinda really damn cool.. if they could make the shit glow in the dark, it'd really make up for the crap logo and I'd be likely to drink it more often..
- it tastes midway between a DARK ALE, vegemite on toast, cheap homebrew and something in the more subtle CARLTON DRAFT family.. it doesn't punch you square in the balls with a brass knuckle duster, nor does it tickle the gag reflex with a total LACK of *ahem.. cough.. BUDWEISER* taste.. but sits somewhat squarely in the middle of the semi-strong flavour catagory without really annoying you with it.. it IS unique in flavour.. and hey, I like that.. it's like it wants to be the GUINNESS of beer.. or somethin'..
- it packs a punch.. somewhat like a DARK ALE tends to wallup you around the head with fuzzy sofa cushions after one too many rounds.. yup, this stuff has the goods.. and here I wuz, silly me, treating it like it wuz PALE ALE.. but, it still doesn't quite match the ferocity of a DARK ALE or a few rounds of GUINNESS.. so no trip to the paramedics for me.. but it DID get me quick damn silly.. NICE ONE GUYS!!
- it didn't kill me the day after - hangover is exceptionally mild, perhaps a little hairier than a totally non-existent PALE ALE hangover.. slight headache, slight fuzzy tongue, a bit of sloshy in the stomach and not wanting to reach for solid foods.. but, all in all.. quite a cheerful braindamage the next day.. I actually ENJOY this hangover.. sharp sunlight seems to please it.. and loud music doesn't aggravate it.. so YAY..
my verdict? - it's a damn wacky red brew, worth a regular if not for the really gay logo on the bar taps that makes you feel kinda embarassed to ask for it.. so, THUMBS UP..
:: Spoz 4:20 PM |
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:: Thursday, July 01, 2004
SPOZ ROADTESTS - "RECHARGE"
occassionally SPOZ likes to try new things, occassionally SPOZ likes to be the guinea pig and risk certain death, occassionally SPOZ likes to refer to himself in the 3rd person coz he's shit crazy and full of sugar..
yup.. so they released this new dopey energy drink.. and silly me, I thought I'd try it out.. coz, hey.. if somebody's stupid enough to release meat flavoured skittles, tuna flavoured potato chips or something equally retarded, then I'M the idiot to try it..
so.. here before me is a product called "RECHARGE".. apparently created by the geniuses behind SPRITE, the "other lemonade you don't give a shit about".. so wot are my thoughts?
- first of all, it LOOKS like a cleaning product.. I'd half be expecting to be cracking open a can of industrial strength oven cleaner down me throat.. which hey, might be FUN.. but nothing I'd prefer to repeat without a lawyer or a tv camera crew present..
- it's slightly larger than ya average RED BULL / V at 300mL.. perhaps they're trying to show off, perhaps it's a bribe, perhaps they're trying to distract me from the shitty colour scheme on the can.. WHY BLUE AND GREEN? yeeesh.. wot'ever graphic designer designed this should be taken out into the street and beaten to death by rodeo clowns.. (then again, a LOT of energy drinks seem to employ "mentally challenged" designers to do their image.. how nice of them)
- it doesn't taste like sweat off a bull's testicle.. which already puts it somewhat above RED BULL (the most popular, yet most VILE tasting energy drink out there..), and it doesn't have that wacky METALLIC zing of V.. so, bonus points there..
- it doesn't really have a taste at ALL.. which is awfully annoying.. coz, when you down an energy drink, you want a flavour that matches the IMPACT.. you WANT a flavour that punches you in the face yet still leaves you happily euphoric.. but this drink reminds me of drinking american beer.. there's just NO FLAVOUR.. it's like delicate sugar water with bubbles.. yeeeesh..
- it doesn't have TAURINE in it.. so, at least it wont kill me dead with an avalanche of muscle spasms or stop me heart like an elephant gun..
- the buzz?.. um, shit.. I dunno.. I seem to be able to focus on street signs 1 kilometre away.. but other than that, there's nothing.. no crazy spider sense.. no bouncing off walls.. the BUZZ is about as subtle as the taste.. perhaps this shit's meant to be kid friendly?
so.. on a scale of energy drinks.. RED EYE being the highest, RED BULL being the lowest - I grade this somewhat flat in the mediocre middle..
DONT DRINK THIS AT HOME KIDDIES!!
:: Spoz 5:40 PM |
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I THINK HE'S FRIED A MICROCHIP IN HIS HEAD OR SUMTHIN'
I think I'm suffering some kinda twitchy workaholic kinda withdrawal here.. last week or two I got all crazy earlier with all this overflowing creative activity - filling out APRA forms, filling out ABN online forms, redesigning websites, designing posters, designing tracks, writing lyrics for said tracks, tweaking EQ's, tweakin filters.. the endless tweaking.. tweaked out and crazy and waaay too wired.. all cool shit, don't get me wrong.. but it's spinning me around and round in crazy mental circles, scheming, plotting, arranging, organising.. and now I've sorta stopped.. so why's the room still spinning?
that's rule NO#1, if you've got y'self spinning with some hardcore momentum.. buzzing like a fridge.. like a humming bird.. hovering inches off the ground with some crazy fucked up ideas on how to revolutionise the freaking universe.. YOU NEVER FULL STOP.. or you'll fall over.. and all the other kids on the playground LAUGH AT YA!! (ok.. vague metaphor there.. but, ahhh fukkit..)
so here I am.. bored.. all twitchy.. all the immediate tasks out've the way.. looking for things to waste me time on.. coz I KNOW there's a million things I COULD be doing.. but, I dont.. coz they're all waiting for the right moment.. that moment of pure inspiration.. and, aaaah fuck.. take beer out've the equation.. and dammit.. I'm a CRAZY PERSON!!
y'see.. the BEER is important.. I know full well..
the WEEKEND's braindamage neutralises the crazy caffeinated headspace, all twitchy and creative all week.. before it.. well.. before it gets to THIS POINT.. all crazy and bouncing off the walls like a superball.. BEER puts that fire out.. before I go and wipe out an entire residential area..
seriously.. right now, I'd give REN N STIMPY a run for their money..
the weekend really couldn't come any sooner..
:: Spoz 3:44 AM |
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:: Wednesday, June 30, 2004
THE CAMERA ALWAYS ADDS LIKE 10 POUNDS
wot never fails to crack me up.. everytime the news does some report on childhood obesity / adult obesity / cholesterol / carbs / atkins THIS / high protein THAT / wot'ever the fuck dietary involved.. they ALWAYS roll out the SAME dumb footage - closeups of fat stomachs, big butts, some lardo eating a HUUUUGE pile of chips, a messy burger, lardo and his equally lardo girlfriend all waddling along happily arm in arm, some pudgo bouncing into the ocean.. DAMN IT CRACKS ME UP..
its like, anytime they send a camera crew out to cover an ACTUAL news story.. they send out another crew to gather some more stock footage of "FAT PEOPLE IN THE MALL" (maaan, how much would THAT job suck?).. coz I swear, it's the SAME shopping mall each time.. it makes me wonder if there's this one HOTSPOT in Australia where they all go to feed.. FATTY GROUND ZERO.. where the gravity's just that LITTLE bit stronger..
it really IS a silly state of affairs we got now - it used to be that the RICH were the fat ones.. now, its the POOR (or should we say "TIME" POOR).. the rich can afford the personal trainers / dieticians / image consultants / personal gyms / any kinda freetime from their wageslave job to DO ALL THIS JUNK.. whilst the time poor are living in fear of wot'ever crazy escalating crime rate is reported out there on the streets.. rife with murderers and paedophiles and workplace accidents and YOU COULD BE NEXT!! living in paranoia of going outdoors.. sitting inside their fat bubble home entertainment coccoon rotting away with their drivethru takeaway.. too scared to think.. so, they follow the adverts.. and they CONSUME!!! BUY MORE!! EAT MORE!! MORE MORE!! AUUAUAUAUAUAHHH!!
with one hand they feed us all this JUNK..
with the other they mock with that wacky stock footage of fatty's down at the mall.. LOOK AT WOT WE'VE CREATED!! QUICK.. BUY MORE JUNK TO MAKE IT STOP!!!
makes ya wonder wot the HELL kinda freaky reality actually exists out there? beyond the statistics.. beyond the advertising.. beyond the wall to wall propaganda.. beyond the airbrushing and CGI..
hmmm.. just a thought..
:: Spoz 5:30 PM |
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:: Tuesday, June 29, 2004
SAME SHIT, SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT SMELL
I've been running on an overflowing tank of gas lately, all this caffeine, all this focused brainpower, a freaking volatile buzz that could power a small south pacific nation for a decade.. usually I'd kill it with beer by the weekend before it punches into the red.. making the likes of me safe for society, y'know.. can't have exploding brains like me mucking up the average now can we?
but, here I am.. the Tuesday rolling over from a weekend barely registering a speedbump, manifesting all sorts of weird n colourful junk, creating shit like beserk.. one overactive imagination.. and too much motivation.. the latest victim - the SUBWOOFER website.. you've been there, right? riiiiiight?
well.. I've gone and fucked it up with a crazy new visual design.. coz, I'm crazy.. and I have all this focused brainpower.. and I just don't know wot the fuck I should do with it.. (something meaningful for society? HAHAHAHA.. FUCK THAT..)
so.. yeah, click that image.. go, check it out.. BEHOLD THAT WHICH I HAVE CREATED!! and, um.. fuckit.. I dunno.. lemme know wotcha think.. k?
:: Spoz 11:22 PM |
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:: Monday, June 28, 2004
FOR SALE - ONE WEEKEND, UNUSED, STILL IN ORIGINAL PACKAGINGthe eye of the storm.. the quiet centre of monk-like contemplation.. the zen garden.. raking pebbles.. trimming bonsais.. accumilative caffeine buildup..   but hey, every now and then you gotta sit a game on the bench.. build your army.. gather some weekend frequent flyer miles.. all ready to implode in a drunken rampage come next weekend.. *BOOOOOM!* so.. fer laughs, here's THIS weekend's scorecard.. FRIDAY NIGHT0 / zilch / big fat nada.. SATURDAY NIGHT3 Crown Lagers 2 packets of Beef Jerky 1 idiot suburban pub - HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRAIG, YA BIATCH!! (wow.. how did THAT beer sneak in here!!?) I really got WAAAY too much work done this weekend.. all this productivity? DAMN.. so, next weekend..? ME GONNA FUCK SHIT UP!! AUAUAUAUAUAUAUAAUUHHH!!!! Previously on Spoz's Rant: The Weekend Warrior
:: Spoz 4:41 PM |
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