:: Friday, April 07, 2006

NOT FIT FOR PUBLIC BROADCAST

and now, for totally arbitrary reasons..
I present to you..
fresh from my most disturbed brain..
10 of my most exceptionally fucked up TV SHOW CONCEPTS for your enjoyment!
(just pray nobody's stupid enough to pilot any of these to air)


1. PRESIDENTAL PAINTBALL
a reality show concept where we handpick a group of contestants from the public.. we train them up as a team of elite assassins.. and then each week we send them out on the field armed only with a paintball rifle to hunt out "marks" we specify.. if we wanna keep this "above board", our targets will be soft targets - hired actors POSING as politicians, religious leaders, heads of business, celebrities, public figures.. etc.. but, what would make it MUCH MORE fun, is if they played for real TARGETS, targets with NO prior involvement (or warning) with the show..

the process of elimination is simple.. the more hits each team member gets the better.. and the worst performer is merely eliminated.. even better, we could just make sure at least one of them gets fucked up and captured by the authorities each week (which is funnier still if it's REAL targets).. the last remaining successful assassin with the most "kills" is then declared the winner..

for an extra element of danger.. we would also plant a "mole", somebody with a REAL rifle.. and watch the chaos unfold ;)


2. BALI VICE
just like the hit 80's show MIAMI VICE.. but it's all in subtitles and everyone gets the firing squad! and for extra bonus points we coud do special episodes guest starring CHEECH and CHONG, ASHTON KUTCHER and SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT, or those 2 dudes from HAROLD AND KUMAR go to WHITE CASTLE and watch and laugh as they all get right royally screwed by the authorities.. let the good times roll.. yeeeeHA!


3. ANIMAL HUSBANDRY
from the same brilliant minds at HBO that brought you SEX IN THE CITY and QUEER AS FOLK.. we finally bring you the alternative lifestyle drama show catered for the bestiality demographic! thrill to the controversial yet OH SO familiar personal lives of simple folks and all their angst as they attempt to find intimacy with animals in a dangerous new age of mad cow disease and bird flu!

(also another potential smash-hit.. STIFFS - the necrophiliac dating show!)


4. COOKING WITH METH AMPHETAMINE!
the weekly suburban methlab cooking show for today's descerning pharmicist.. we not only give you weekly tips on how to perfect your crystalmeth manufacture.. we also branch out into other exciting avenues of home improvement - such as cooking crack.. mixing up esctacy.. hunting for shrooms.. printing those sheets of acid.. glass blowing crackpipes.. tips for hiding your extensive drug crops from the helicopters and their heat sensors.. and all the latest and greatest technologies in evading customs.. a must see for anyone who really loves to BAKE those drugs AND their skulls!


5. WEEKDAYS AT BERNIE'S
I seriously don't know WHY they left this brilliant concept alone as JUST a movie (well, 2 movies to be exact, if you count the even more retarded sequel) coz this idea was SO ripe for the weekly sitcom treatment! imagine the endless laughs of an "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND", "FRIENDS" or "SEINFELD" if the lead character is dead!! and even better.. we'd never need to worry about some wooden standup comedian trying to act.. when here, the lead character wouldn't even need to move! every season would get BETTER and BETTER as they decomposed into a horrible mess! extra comedy points too if the corpse is single.. OH YES.. a NEW DATE EVERY EPISODE!! the HORROR! the SIDE SPLITTING LAUGHS!!! THE SHOCKING DISCOVERIES and RESULTANT COVERUPS! ooooh maaan.. GOLDEN GLOBES heeeere we come!


6. AIRPORT PUNK'D
just like the famous Ashton Kutcher hidden camera prank concept.. except, this time we play jokes on unsuspecting members of the public in airports around the world and then proceed to get them fucked up by customs! sneak stuff into their luggage.. plant terror suspects amongst them.. get THEM targetted as security risks.. cavity searches.. drug mules.. bomb squads.. wot's not to love?


7. BAGHDAD SURVIVOR
this concept speaks for itself.. and really, isn't it about time we injected a little bit of danger back into a tired concept? and the lounder and more obnoxiously american the contestants.. the more fun it is to watch each week! just think peeps.. you hear about another bombing in the news every day.. well.. that COULD BE YOU! sign up now :)


8. THE DRUNK OLYMPICS
athletics with inebriated people - split into lightweight, midweight and heavy drinker catagories.. you'll laugh and you'll cry as ordinary shuffling drunks push themselves to the extremes of endurance as they compete for glory in a series of preliminary drinking games.. quickly followed by such grueling events as - HURDLES, POLE VAULT, GYMNASTICS, SYNCRONISED DROWNING, EQUESTRIAN, ARCHERY, THE MARATHON.. really.. the potential here is endless! (plus it'll give NEW meaning to drug tests.. if your blood is BELOW 0.05.. you don't get on the field :) )


9. SMACK ADDICT BIG BROTHER
16 strangers locked into a household with cameras following their every move.. sounds just like NORMAL BIG BROTHER doesn't it? but not if they're all drug addicts, we throw them into the house just after their final hit and then force them ALL to go COLD TURKEY!.. watch as they then try to survive a solid 12 weeks in hell in withdrawal as BIG BROTHER taunts them with hits of "the good stuff".. gets them to wager all their worldly belongings for it.. laces some of their food from time to time.. plants weapons in the house at their most desperate moments and watch as they fight each other like crazed dogs.. ALL IN A TINY CONFINED SPACE with SHITTY FLICKERING FLUORESCENT UV LIGHTS!! WAHOOOO!

each week.. either a contestant acidently overdoses, dies of complications or is otherwise knifed by another housemate.. with the most ferocious geeza left in the end, declared the winner!

as an alternate.. you could also run a "celebrity" version of this, featuring former washed up child celebrities.. (methinks that Sixth Sense kid, and that Jonathan Lipnicki would be perfect candidates.. they gotta be tracking some serious heroin by now.. riiight?)


10 PUPPET EXORCISMS
and finally.. we leave the BEST concept till last.. the tv show where we perform real life exorcisms with real life PUPPETS!! head spinnings, the vomiting, spontaneous combustion, howling insults in demonic tongues.. the holy water.. the latin chants.. and all of it.. with real victims and with REAL PUPPETS!! wots not to love, when you see fluffy bunnies, squirrels, dogs, cats, pigs, frogs and large flightless birds being thrown around, torn to shreds and torched whilst screaming "EVIL SATAN HELL SPAWN BEGOOOONE!!!" and flapping their arms about wildly.. plus, think of the spinoff stunt-casting celebrity angle here.. EXORCISMS performed by the SWEDISH CHEF anyone? FUCK YEAH!! ;)

trust me on this, this'll be must see television!

how could this possibly go wrong!?

:: Spoz 5:04 AM |
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DABBLING IN THE DARK ARTS

I'm in the middle of eating dinner tonight..
watching tv.. hazing out..
minding my own business..
and *BAM*
a power blackout knocks the electricity dead in a 5 block radius..

so, wot else could I do till they brought the power back up than to fire up a candle and do something really stupid with a digital camera?



yup, just be thankful it only took them 45 minutes to restore power, or who knows wot kinda foul demonic spirits this would've summoned.. :)

:: Spoz 11:29 PM |
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ALCOHOLICS AND THE INFINITE MADNESS
Episode One: I Predict A Riot

(also see below for episodes TWO and THREE!)

despite all evidence to the contrary.. SPOZ is NOT dead - he did not die in a freak boating accident or from injuries sustained from falling off his horse in a game of polo.. he did not die in a plane crash, a car crash, a black hawk helicopter malfunction or from falling shrapnel at a german air show.. he has not died from a botched assassination attempt, whilst attempting auto erotic asphyxiation in his hotel room or from eating pop-rocks with a can of pepsi.. he is not missing on oceanic flight 815 somewhere over the pacific, he was not killed whilst taking part in a human guinea pig trials in new anti-inflamatory medication, nor is he or has he ever been devoured by an oversized amazonian boa constrictor..

SPOZ is alive.. SPOZ is speaking to you right now.. he does not require a medium, a seance or one of those crappy midday "speaking to the dead" shows to commune with.. and no, despite what you may've read - SPOZ is NOT shutting down this blog.. that was an APRIL FOOLS DAY PRANK you EIDIOT! ;) (surprising how many of you failed to read the comments box on that one - pysche!) SPOZ ain't leaving.. ooooooh NO.. yer gonna hafta put up with THIS idiot for a long while yet ;)

although.. after the weekend I've just had.. I'm really quite surprised that I AM still alive (and I'm now suffering a nasty headcold as a result.. yipee!)

but SPOZ's pain.. is YOUR gain.. as I present to you a weekend report SO insane, SO packed full of crazy photo's, I had to split it into 3 pieces split over several days (yet still published "near simultaneously") so all you poor bastards with dialup connections wouldn't suffer a nervous breakdown from the avalanche of it all.. (believe me, I feel your pain)

so.. grab y'self a tall coffee, a freshly packed bong, a bowl of peanuts, a sixpack of beer (or wot'ever the fuck you need for the long haul) and ENJOY THE ROLLERCOASTER!


FRIDAY NIGHT
the journey begins at 6PM with a phonecall from JULIE (one of my lunatic friends who since relocated to Brisneyland) she's just returned to Adelaide, is at the GRACE EMILY with a pile of beers and wondering where the hell I am.. all I remember hearing is "beer" and I'm on the next bus in.. there I bump into me friend JOE (crazyarse party chick who I hadn't seen in freakin ages).. we catch up.. and beers follow..

more people arrive.. and after much twiddling about wondering where the fuck to go for food.. we eventually decide upon HORUS (aka: "THE HOUSE OF HORRORS") that smelly little falafel place next to TEQUILA REA on Hindley St.. arriving there at 8PM..

no point mentioning the food (who cares? it's freakin' falafel) but wot IS worth mentioning are the wacky oversized bong contraptions they have here.. available in various sizes (and flavour mixes apparently)..

this little puppy shown here is the small $12 version..



now, before you leap to any conclusions (or hastily fall off your couch to make bookings) (a) it's flavoured TOBACCO you EEEiiiDIOT! and (b) no, I didn't inhale..



(although after about 10 minutes of this.. it DID make my headspin.. woohehehahaha!)

nearing about 9 - 9:30PM.. I make exit, and head towards the main event tonight - TONY FONT SHOW, QUANTUM KAOS and um.. some other band who's name I've since forgot (look it up if yer really THAT eager) cooking a diabolical storm of funk metal at JIVE..

the first (forgotten) band played an alright set.. something in the vague funk metal ouvre.. but nothing really worth mentioning in an already overbloated blog..

so.. fukkit.. onto the next one..

QUANTUM KAOS



I was expecting (from the name and accompanying poster promotion) that they were some kinda heavy / thrash / psycho monkey metal act.. but, to my surprise.. they turned out to be a relatively cruisy, mid weight grinding, ecclectic funkrock act..



the bongos were a particularly nifty touch, with the lead singer running around them like an exciteable ferret.. damn trippy to watch..



overall.. quite a cool little act they got there.. maybe I'll pay more attention next time they play (lest all the beers I drink since bury's all memory of their set.. hehehe)

TONY FONT SHOW
up next.. the band I was here to see.. the headliners, TONY FONT SHOW.. once again come to annihilate another unsuspecting crowd with their accompanying loyal fanbase (aka: the human washing machine out front of stage)..

here LEE starts up some shit..



gives the crowd shit..



MATT plays the funky shit..



band starts losing their shit..



RICHARD expects me to give him shit AGAIN for his distinctive "funky robot" playing style..

"wot? I haven't said ANYTHING?.. well.. not YET anywaze.. muhahahaha!"



so, I cut RICH a break for a change and make fun of MATT's wacky facial expressions instead (wooo.. look, it's animated!)



LEE climbs up on the makeshift "diving platform" ready to strike..



PHIL's back to thrashing them drums with diabolic fury.. hey! welcome back PHIL!
(he practices bad juju with chicken blood I tells ya!)



LEE claims his first victim in the crowd..



gathers momentum as he claims another one..



till once again, all hell breaks loose as another human hurricane claims everyone in it's path leaving nothing but a litter of scattered bodies in it's wake..




photographers warning: do not step too close to the action at a TONY FONT SHOW gig, lest YOU become part of the action too..



yup.. the band delivered the goods once again and near about destroyed me in the process.. ROCK ON YOOOO FREAKIN' PSYCHOS!!!

(and all the while RICH keeps on playing without even pausing to blink.. wot a champion!)



perhaps next time they play a gig I should give him one of those fluffy black hats those british palace guards wear.. AAAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHA! (yeah sorry, couldn't help it.. please don't kill me :) )


1AM.. after 6 or 7 beers and with the venue rapidly emptying onto the street.. I look to continue the carnage elsewhere..

answering an earlier SMS left by TIMMY THE MONKEY, I then find myself at the CRANKA.. bumping into these lunatics.. JOE BLOGS, SIMONE.. and.. um.. some dude called JOSH.. (I think) and sure, I don't really know these people from a bar of soap, but I chose to drink JAGERBOMBS with them anywaze (funny how alcohol brings people together.. awwww ;) )



for those uninitiated.. a JAGERBOMB consists of a pint glass 1/2 filled with RED BULL with a JAGERMEISTER shot floating on top..



combining the worst elements of a RED BULL (ie: it's heart attack enducing taurine hit and it's urine flavour) with the worst elements of a JAGERMEISTER (take yer pick really, that shit IS kinda fuckin' foul) they're ruthlessly effective in wot they set out to do - to right royally fuck you up and yet give you the flying energy to do it all over again..

hmmmm.. dunno how SIMONE makes it look so EASY..
(don't try this shit at home kiddies!)



after many more rounds.. it's 4AM and we are turfed out on the street as the CRANKA closes.. and so.. we cook up a plan to hit the WEST END for places that are still open (ENIGMA, SUPERMILD, wherever they'll let the likes of us lunatics at this hour of the morning) to continue the rampaging stupidity..

this seems like a simple plan.. but, as experience has taught me.. there is NO such thing as a quick direct route from venue to venue with these lunatics.. and so we witness yet another baffling sequence in their ongoing "LATE NIGHT HUMAN ORIGAMI" series thru the streets of Adelaide..



naturally this isn't just a spectator sport.. so I join in..

(this move probably explains a few bruises I woke up with the next day.. especially when they all stacked on top of me for more of their photo's.. hahahaha.. bastards!)



apparently they're real big on climbing things too..



and um.. actually.. no.. I can't explain this shit either..
(I wuz just happy they weren't running around marking their territory as well)



so THIS explains why my ribs hurt the next day!



and once again SIMONE shows me up and makes it all look so damn easy..

mental note: just because SIMONE tries something insane, doesn't mean I won't get killed attempting it myself.. aaAaHAhAHAaHAHA! *ow* damn me ribs!



it's scary to consider how MANY people have ridden this statue over the years..



and just be thankful I didn't publish any of their BRONZE PIG photo's (whoaaaa.. that wuz some naaaasty fucked up shit!) suffice to say - one of these days I gotta get me one of them CSI style ultraviolet lights and check those PIGS out.. I bet they got a reaal crazy story to tell.. eeeeeeesh!

it took us a full hour and a 1/2 to finally reach HINDLEY STREET.. and no surprises.. most if not all of the venues were now closed..

then again.. would you let THESE people into YOUR establishment at near to 6AM?

"braaaaaaiiiins! BRAAAAAAAAAiiiiiiNS!"



yeah.. I didn't think so..

all I remember from the rest of the night, wuz we somehow ended up at the ROSEMONT (yes.. THAT POKIES hellhole) drinking beers till 5-10 minutes later we thought better of it.. and fled to our respective taxi's home..

I get home somewhere past 6AM, crash thru my front door and crash out for much needed sleep and detox..

but, this is not the end.. OOOH NO! keep reading below for more thrilling misadventures of SPOZ.. coming to you just after THIS short psychotic break!

(TO BE CONTINUED!)

Previously on Spoz's Rant: Alcoholics And The Infinite Madness / Episode Two

:: Spoz 12:00 AM |
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ALCOHOLICS AND THE INFINITE MADNESS
Episode Two: Fire Coming Out Of The Monkey's Head

and so.. the wacky adventures continue, as I bring you the further tales of SPOZ's spiral into oblivion this weekend past (but just make sure to bring the ear plugs.. coz this shit get a mighty bit rowdy..)


SATURDAY NIGHT
on the menu tonight for my continuing self destruction was a house party to celebrate not just one, but SIX combined birthday's (at this point I could mention that one of the birthday's celebrated wuz mine.. but SHHHHHH!) likely we were also here paying homage to the ancient pagan gods of chaos, noise, rampaging intoxication and carnivorous shrubbery.. but as long as you ignored the human sacrifices, the reindeer antlers and the chicken blood.. you would've fit in just fine.. ;)

key ingredients for any successful house party include..

a) a humble selection of fine beverages..



b) some light entertainment..



c) soothing ambience..



d) a selection of fine games and amusements..



"duuude.. I so SUCK at air hockey!"..



e) and lets not forget the live bands.. machine gunning dB's and body parts all over the walls.. YEEEEEEEEE!

CIRCLE CLAN
up first tonight we have the primo hooting carnage of CIRCLE CLAN.. drilling our skulls with the meatiest 4/4 electro funk, stabbing chainsaw guitars and unholy screaming I've ever heard this side of hell.. ooooooyeaaaaah! :)



PAGEY's guitar wuz turned up so freakin' phat, I swear he wuz trying to play successive chords with my intestinal tract..



BELIAL prowled back n forth in circles like a pissed off jungle cat in a zoo enclosure thirsting for blood.. whilst SMALL PAUL and NATE HATE provided the backup artillery..



yup.. never has PAGEY's guitar rocked THIS FREAKING loud..



they were soon joined by STUCKEY (aka: COPY ONE) for the CIRCLE CLAN / SUBWOOFER mashup of "FOLLOW THE WHITE LINE"..



by this point I didn't require eardrums no more.. since even deaf people could feel the unholy vibrations thru their ribcages.. tapping away in morse code.. "FOLLOW THE WHITE LINE.. FOLLOW THE WHITE LINE.. LOSE YER MiiiiiND!"



STUCKEY continues with the band for an improv jam of the song "FEDERATIONS" so insane it tore rooftiles off houses in a 1km radius (combined with the wacky stage lighting this all began to seriously trip me the fuck out..)



after about an hour or so of this, the entire set ended in a screaming inferno that rivalled commercial airports for noise output.. the fire deperatment was soon called in to hose down all the walls.. although I'm happy to report, there wasn't a SINGLE recorded fatality! (not from lack of trying tho'.. aaahahahaha!)



all in all, the most psychotic, hammering, unrelenting fury I've ever heard these electro monkeys play in their entire 8 year history.. DAMN.. really makes me wish they'd play pub / venue gigs again.. COME BACK CIRCLE CLAN! THE WORLD NEEDS YA MORE THAN EVER! (yup just like we all need a hole in the head.. hahaha.. no really.. it improves airflow.. ;) )

with my brain sufficiently blown clear off me head and into neighboring houses.. I decide to venture forth and mingle with the party people..



the midget on the left I believe was responsible for organising all of this.. cheers CHELSEA, you know how to throw a good one! ..TONY (the shaved head freak on the right) was likely responsible for all the unexplained chicken mutilations later in the night.. and yup.. they're now available for kids parties too! (I can almost smell the impending lawsuits)



this photo will either be considered "cute" or "downright disturbing"..



MATT from TONY FONT SHOW, enjoying a quiet beverage to celebrate turning 20..



side effects of which may include - loss of coordination, slurring of speech and blindness..



they say humans share 98% of their DNA with chimps.. attending parties such as these, I can clearly understand why.. who says EVOLUTION is a myth eh?



I.D.
the crowds were startin' to freak me out too much.. so I returned to the eye of the storm for the second band up for the night, I.D. - featuring STUCKEY (from SUBWOOFER), TONY (from BURN THE ASHES) and NATE HATE (from CIRCLE CLAN / formerly MUNCHKIN and also formerly SKYLARK AUDIO.. yeah, take yer pick really, this dude gets around)



they were quite a low-key subtle act.. as they provided the crowd with a soothing blend of militaristic HIPHOP, ear bleeding DEATH METAL SCREAMING.. all to the cruisy accompanying sounds of GOTH mixed with darkwave 80's SYNTH and DRUM N BASS..



just the thing for lazy sunday afternoons, walks through the park in spring, candlelit dinners and public executions.. aaaaaaaaah..



that bubbling sound you hear, is everyone's internal organs being microwaved by the sounds emanating from NATE HATE's synths..



to finish off the set, STUCKEY gave the crowd a rousing cover of ELTON JOHN's "Candle In The Wind" till the riot police had to be called in to deal with the resultant carnage and blood letting.. (yeah, no.. ok.. I'm obviously making shit up here for cheap laughs.. nevermind..)



yup.. for their first ever live gig.. them wacky I.D. freaks didn't hold anything back.. this shit would go down real well in those kinda crazy back alley PVC clubs in BERLIN where orbital sanders and chainsaws are considered sex toys..

(I could also mention that these guys are ALSO available for kids parties.. but, my lawyers advise me not to.. so yeah.. um.. moving on..)

just as predicted later in the night (around 3AM) TONY gets busy with the chicken mutilations.. and, hands down.. I may've been reaaally wasted by this point.. but this wuz some of THE tastiest mutilated chicken corpses around.. many cheers to the chef for not sacrificing ME on that fire!



much more drinking follows.. rest of night becomes a complete blur.. but, apparently we DID end up paying homage to all those PAGAN gods.. either that.. or we were just really proud to have mastered fire at this point of the night..

(we may be 98% chimp, but never underestimate your 2%, it's why we're the dominant species!)



sun starts to rise.. scaring all the scattered folk into hiding and unconsciousness..



with my head reduced to a pile of rubble.. and with the house in likewise disarray I finally make my goodbye with a brilliant plan to catch the first BUS home at 5:40AM..

over 1 1/2 hours waiting in the freezing cold.. I realised to my profound intelligence.. that I wuz looking at the SATURDAY timetable.. and not the SUNDAY.. the first bus on SUNDAY doesn't arrive till 8:30AM.. D'OH! (yeah, 2% my arse eh?)

so, finally at 7:30AM.. I summon a taxi.. reach home.. and pass out for some much needed sleep.. pheeeeeeuuuuuuwww.. wot a night!


and.. you'd think that would be the end of the weekend wouldn't ya? you'd think that would be all.. but OOOOH NO.. the story is still not over.. BE STILL MY BEATING LIVER! for the journey continues in the next installment, in the final thrilling conclusion.. pop 2 aspirin and consult your psychiatrist.. and step on thru..

(TO BE CONTINUED..)

*cough*.. *choke*..

Previously on Spoz's Rant: Alcoholics And The Infinite Madness / Episode Three

:: Spoz 11:50 PM |
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