I GO HARD, I GO HOME
hmmmmmm.. it has come to my attention that despite all my best efforts to sabotage this ere blog each and every weekend with my ingenious mix of sloppy grammar, fucknard spelling, misplaced punctuation, overlong sentences, mixed metaphors, excessive multi-syllables, expletives, obscure in-joke pop-culture references or anything that approaches either journalistic integrity and or humour that relates to anyone above the intellectual level of a three year old (and lets not forget my idiotic fixation with placing all sorts of pointless shit in brackets and running all those double dots at the end of every sentence when merely the one would suffice, like really, wot the fuck is THAT all about?) that despite all these efforts (and more) I've managed to somehow gather quite a large cult following to this ere blog (and a regular and loyal following at that) and quite frankly I'm a little freaked out here.. really.. who's to know wot kinda corrupting accumilative effect this could have on the 1000's of people out there who are (apparently) reading this twaddle on a regular weekly basis? seriously, wot kinda fucked up circus of the stupid and the profane have I spawned here? is it too much? have I gone too far? could I stop? or will the whole world fall off the edge if I stop spinning?
yup.. now that I've become spokesperson and role model for a whole freaking music scene here (albeit a tiny and largely insignificant one at that.. HA!) I've gotta be reaaal fucking careful.. for surely I must wield such an almighty and awesome influence over all you midgets that if I'm not too careful I could potentially ruin entire careers with a keystroke.. HA! for as they say.. with great power comes great responsibility.. and so.. with heavy heart, gurgling spleen and bloated liver I shall do my very best to remain humble and to uphold the virtues of TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE WAY OF THE GONZO.. oooooooh so help me angry snow demons I SHALL DO YOU PROUD!! *sniff* I SHALL DO YOU ALL PROUD!!
AAAAHAHHAHAHA! yeah, wot a fuckin' load of bollocks eh? wot the fuck wuz I thinking.. audience my ARSE! I know it's just 2-3 of you dribbling fools reading this ere dreck (hi mum!) so, *ahem*.. fuckit.. I'll just get on with it eh?
here's this weekend's adventures in the land of SPOZ..FRIDAY NIGHT
a lot of indie bands survive on word on mouth, on tiny rent-a-crowds, on idiots wearing your t-shirts around on the streets, on giving chimps like me enough free piss to convince me to turn up to one of your gigs to give you a review (ahaha.. yeah right!) or when all else fails on overblown hype screaming from every streetpress and radio station telling you that you MUST SEE THIS FREAKING BAND ALREADY BEFORE WE FUCKING EXPLODE!!.. and as such, did tonight's band sneak into the periphery of my awareness after months of doing my best to ignore it.. I mean sure, I really don't like hype.. I do my best to be immune to it.. but after enough of it rammed screaming into my synapses I'll just obey like the rest of you impressionable chimps and check it out just so I can get the damn fucking VOICES OUT'VE MY HEAD.. weeeeeee!
so.. here I am tonight at JIVE, to catch the band that's apparently the absolute tits right now.. THE VASCO ERA.. yeah, I'd barely heard 'em either, but I saw bartenders at JIVE wearing their t-shirts fer freaking ages and everyone's been talking about 'em.. so go figure.. I guessed they must be good or something.. ;)
and as further sign of their apparent status.. JIVE is packed to the gills tonight.. so much in fact, that I actually got booted from the venue before 8PM (when I snuck in free) just so I could walk back in and PAY entry to the gig.. like faaaark maaaan (and yet, it still wuz totally worth the $18.. go figure)THE TRAFALGARS
in support of THE VASCO ERA tonight, we have local chimps THE TRAFALGARS on stage (aka: "THE RALPH WIGGUM ALLSTAR BAND") yup, the same exact band I missed (on purpose?) last week I now faced this week.. oh the irony! and yet, they were actually pretty damn good.. whodathunkit? I guess the freakyarse cool lighting and booming PA did wonders aye? ROCK!
members of this band include..
BASS PLAYER who mistakingly thinks he's in INTERPOL..
the world famous RALPH WIGGUM on drums..
and.. um.. this GUITARIST / LEAD SINGER dude, who's looks like the long lost 3rd GALLAGHER brother who had the good fortune NOT to be in OASIS or anywhere near as ugly as LIAM (which is not that particularly difficult, coz that OASIS is one damn ugly arse bunch of sodding gits.. yeah, that's right OASIS.. ya wanna fight me? huh? PUNKS!?)
with a name like THE TRAFALGARS, these guys obviously played nothing but yodeling mexican polka music.. except.. no.. obviously.. that's utter rubbish.. just imagine the BEATLES before they got into all the acid and the sitars and you wouldn't be too far off..
although, perhaps somebody really should've told the bassplayer the deal here, coz he looks like he's lost in his own little world..
"THEEESE SPIES.. OH YEAH THESE SLOOOOOOW HANDS..
YOU PUT THE WEEEEIGHTS ALL AROUND YOUUUURSELF.."
(yeah.. um.. riiiight..)
meanwhile the lead singer is here reaching for the imaginery 39th note on his harp and kinda wishing he WAS taking all that acid right now.. hmmmmmm.. if only these dude's did psychedelic.. imagine the possibilities.. the sitars.. the bongos.. a performing troupe of honking WALRUSES? aye? aaaaaaaye?
which brings me to the one band member who's obviously taking enough brain medicine to overdose the entire band..
"MY CAT SMELLS LIKE CAT FOOD!".. yes RALPH WIGGUM.. yes indeed!
still, a damn cracking set from you guys.. you banged out a large one! respect! :)
band finishes, equipment is moved off stage, RALPH WIGGUM is packed up with styrofoam into his cardboard box.. and I head to the bar..THE VASCO ERA
half an hour in and a few beers later, I'm back at the front cramped for space.. as we now have the VASCO ERA on stage, the wacky Melbourne band we've all been waiting since, oh.. I dunno.. a few days ago when I actually heard these guys were playing here.. weeeee!
the band could best be described as sounding like the screeching and gnashing alcoholic ear bleeding extremes of THE WHITE STRIPES and KINGS OF LEON facing off in a no-holds bar fight to the death.. really freaky stuff..
I think this bassplayer was like.. I dunno.. 9ft tall or some shit.. which is weird, coz he looked that much shorter at the bar.. hmmm.. either way, damn evil with the BASS.. fuzzing out an absolute chugging barrage of brown note fury, churning my vital organs into a bubbling microwaved mush..
whilst the drummer here near about tore a hole in his drums, the floor below and likely if they let him a gaping hole into molten magma that would've killed us all.. yes! such wuz the fury of his diabolical percussion.. plus, he kinda looked like ANIMAL from the MUPPETS.. which is really super freakin' cool..
and here's the lead singer guy.. likely screeching about demons trying to eat his soul, or how much he loves and yet hates his whisky bottle and the demons living in it trying to eat his soul.. or perhaps, he's just in need of some serious dentistry to numb the pain.. yeah.. I dunno.. really, if you had a tooth ache like this.. you'd scream weird shit too..
near the end of the set, when thrashing his guitar within an inch of it's life wouldn't suffice.. he'd go beat the living shit out've the bongo's instead.. which apparently made all the drunks around me endlessly overjoyed as they'd spent 90% of the gig yelling "PLAY THA FUKKEENG BONGOZ MAAAAN!! YEEEEE!!"
the whole set ended with the drummer and bass player near about reducing their instruments to a steaming pile of rubble, hammering everyone else's eardrums within a 1km radius to a grinning tinitus in the process.. or at least it sure as fuck felt like that..
yup.. it wuz loud.. it wuz reaaally fucken loud.. it was howling and shredding and screeching and gnashing with large pointy teeth.. but DAMN did it fucking rock :)
anyhoo.. as such bands of this ilk are led to inspire me (actually, come to think of it.. as ANYTHING on the weekend leads to inspire me) we all soon found ourselves at the bar drinking the place dry and howling at the moon for the next few hours.. for as I'll say in my defense.. "the devil's music made me do it.." which then, somewhat past 1AM.. led us all to the FALAFEL HOUSE on HINDLEY ST..
which led to much feasting on drunken YIROS, HOTDOGS, FALAFELS or wot'ever the fuck.. which then led us to SUPERMILD as we continued the rampaging stupidity spiraling into the gutter and beyond all attempts of memory recollection..
I can't quite remember HOW I got home.. I think it was the last latenight $6 bus home at 3:30AM.. but, from what my photographic record tells me.. apparently I hijacked THIS firetruck and drove it home..
now if only I could remember where I parked that damn thing.. :)
yup, all in all.. it wuz one helluva crazy night out.. oh, and I should note I DID take a bunch of incredibly silly drunken photo's tonight of a bunch of me friends doing all sorts of silly shit.. but, one of 'em got a bit cranky when I published photo's of them LAST weekend.. so SCREW YOOOOU if you wanna appear in THIS week's blog, HA! :)
(they were cool photo's too.. perhaps I'll pass 'em along to some of you guys if you request 'em ;)
but anyhoo.. on with the story..SATURDAY NIGHT
prospects were looking a bit grim tonight.. after last night's rampaging idiocy out on the piss there was only $50 left in me wallet, which.. granted.. wuz more than enough for a NORMAL night of SATURDAY night carnage.. but tonight I wuz set on seeing THE PRESETS at FOWLERS LIVE.. I had no idea how much this wuz gonna set me back.. $10? $15? $20? but either way it wuz gonna eat a hole out've the $50 I'd usually blow on happy beer in a night.. so, chances were.. we'd be dealing with a grim, sober and very cranky SPOZ instead..
so.. stubborn as all fuck to go at it anywaze.. I front up to FOWLERS at about 9PM.. at which point I see the chalkboard sign outside..
"THE PRESETS.. supported by ARTAX MISSION and MY SISTER THE COP, $28"
I stumble off to WORLDSEND to think things over.. deciding that fuckit.. even if I'm NOT drinking any beer.. then dammit, I still gotta get the shiny photo's and stupid text to entertain YOU chimps regardless (such is my commitment to this hilarious blog.. MY FUN = YOUR FUN) so, with gritted teeth and fuck the world determination.. I headed back out..
and yet just my luck as I walk on in..
"hey.. SPOZ, did you buy a ticket in advance?"
"excellent.. you're my guest tonight" *stamp* "come on in!"
aaaah.. gotta love AVALON.. free entry baaaaaaby :)
and so, with $50 free now to spend on beer, SPOZ wuz very much the happy hamster..ARTAX MISSION
speaking of which.. I soon head to bar for the first beer of the night (aaaah!), then hit the stage to see the first band, ARTAX MISSION fire on up..
these guys could best be described as a fuzzing, squealing, chugging, wall of distortion artrock SONIC YOUTH meets WOLFMOTHER brain melting experience.. equal parts rocking and abstractingly bizzare.. and sure, they may be a bit too much to get your head around the first few times.. but, as this was the 3rd time I'd seen these monkeys.. I wuz right on into it..
of course, besides featuring a psychedelic gonzo drummer.. it always helps any artrock indie band to have the token female bassplayer.. and no, she's not just there to look all indie bizarre and cute either.. wait till you get her near the mic.. like whoaaa maaaaan.. I dunno if she wuz conjuring the Wiccan spirit of HECATE or wot.. but it damn near twisted me brain severe when she did that weird delay pedal screaming and wailing shit.. niiiice :)
and of course.. when all else fails for an artrock noise band, get a dude with a badass afro to pull mean facials on guitar and vocals.. and this dude did it all.. seriously, when you have songs where most of the lyrics are concerned with the existentialist angst of QUANTUM superposition and 11th multidimensional paradoxes.. then you REALLY know you have a lead singer with issues.. freaaaaaky.. ;)
yup.. they're some seriously freakyarse sheeiit.. and now I'm afraid lemon scented leprecauns are gonna come out've the floor and eat me alive.. so, as you do.. I escape back to the bar.. to fuel up on beer's 2-3.. taking a moment to stare at the wacky selection of posters splattered around the walls of this place (coz hey, ya can't go wrong with the ROLLINS BAND now, can ya?)MY SISTER THE COP
now back to the stage we have the 2nd band for tonight, MY SISTER THE COP..
the easiest way to describe these peeps.. is simply to namedrop a band like TEST ICICLES, and to tell you they sound EXACTLY like 'em.. except that they're much cooler in that they're still actually around to play live.. whilst, of course, TEST ICICLES broke up (self destructed) months ago, so I'll never get to see THEM live (dammit)..
but of course, since most of you have probably never heard of TEST ICICLES.. guess I'll need to elaborate here.. imagine if you will.. if some fuckoff psychotic HARDCORE electro extreme act like ATARI TEENAGE RIOT, VENETIAN SNARES.. or the most insane spoon factory exploding moments of APHEX TWIN formed an indie dancepunk band instead but lost none of the ear bleeding, screaming, gnashing, deconstructed chaos and drilling noise in the process..
every song consisted of: 2-3 minutes of rapid fire screaming and howling ultraviolence..
speed thrashing guitars and intestinal bass riffage turned up beyond the 3rd richter..
more screaming and gnashing.. yelling all sorts of crazed incomprehensible things that I'd have no freaking hope in hell of transcribing here..
spastic hyper speed drumming that no human being should ever be capable of unleashing, and yet watch as this guy manages perfectly well whilst barely raising a sweat..
sprinkle the occassional electro weirdness, keyboard mashups, and those funky bits you and your serial killer friends can dance a mean flailing skank to.. rinse and repeat and mix it up for good measure.. and THAT is MY SISTER THE COP..
I'd seen these maniacs once before at ROCKET BAR back in January (check the archives) and they were kinda aaiight.. but with the larger PA blaring, the smoke machines and all them wacky lights.. they damn near freaking tore a hole in the fabric of the spacetime continuum and sent us all spiraling into the ever darkening abyss.. yup, they were that damn near fucking murderous.. OOOOOOOYEAAAAH!
MY SISTER THE COP.. I freaking salute you! :)
with the band now finished.. I made my way thru the pile of bodies and misplaced organs to the bar for beers 4-5.. at which point I'm momentarily hypnotised by this wacky logo projected on the walls..THE PRESETS
now that all the corpses piled up after MY SISTER THE COP have been hosed out and collected (likely to be sent off to HINDLEY FALAFEL HOUSE) the front of stage rapidly fills up to the point of claustrophobia with a hoard of indie electro brain casualties ready and waiting for the main act tonight, THE PRESETS..
and may the angry snow demons have pity on our souls, coz this is gonna get messy!
THE PRESETS consist of two members..
one lead vocalist, keyboardist and hand flailing, mask wearing mime freak..
and one metronomic drummer, synth fiend and robotic bodypopper..
they may quite possibly be human.. but more than likely I suspect they're actually corrupted evil alien puppetlords sent from the nether regions of space to kill us all.. it's really hard to tell.. but damn do the peeps around me in the crowd go fuckin' nuts for this shit..
their banging electro set was equal parts howling BERLIN LOVE PARADE RAVE gone violently wrong, a freakingly loud game of PONG on acid, your ipod being smashed to bits by a meteor swarm, car alarms, dogs barking into loudspeakers and the craziest of 80's cocaine and hedonistic excess all mixed into one bouncy castle mess of a fucked up party jam..
featuring live stabbing metronomic drumming, megaphone ranting vocals, nintendo pogo-dancing synth attacks, hammering one note chords all sent screaming to our ear drums in a haze of smoke and seizure enducing lights.. and whoaaaa wuz it trippy :)
before too long chicks were getting up on stage and totally losing their shit to it..
(yeah.. cut siiiick you STRIPEY GIRL!! go fucking nuts.. yeah!! WOOOOOOOO!!)
yup, as you can see.. things were rapidly spiralling out've control here..
at which point.. I'm at the front.. I'm near the stage.. and I'm thinking "FUCK THIS!! I'M GONNA GO UP TOO!! YEAAAH!".. and so, if you were at this gig and you saw some retarded hairy loon up there near the drumkit on the left side of stage with the stripey red n black sleeves and the "HUNGOVER" t-shirt going apeshit with the spastic robot dance moves.. then yeah.. that'd be me.. ;)
(I blame STRIPEY GIRL.. it wuz all her fault dammit!)
the drummer is rather amused with himself at this point wondering if the crowd noticed all the hallucinogenic drugs they were filtering in thru the smoke machines.. meanwhile, some loon is now seen dancing on top of the speaker stacks and somewhere back at the bar, the RIOT POLICE and STAR DIVISION are being called in..
the lead singer is working us all like puppets, and he knows it..
yup.. this shit wuz really getting seriously out've hand.. but DAMN did it rock :)
after an hour of this electro monkey insanity and with everyone bouncing off the ceiling and knocking out holes in the walls.. THE PRESETS consider their mission accomplished on EARTH and are then seen flying off into the sky in search of other worlds to subjugate and destroy..
with the last band done for the night.. I spend the next 1/2 hour or so totally twatted out've me skull dancing with a pack of monkeys to the spastic indie mashed up electroclashin' nonsense the DJ's were spinning.. and sinking beers 6-7..
soon the venue starts to thin out.. so, I make my leave.. and head out to other venues to further my self destruction..
I first head to ENIGMA.. but, find nothing worth mentioning..
so, I make the trek down thru the BAGHDAD end of HINDLEY ST, thru RUNDLE MALL and off to the CRANKA where the shiny blue bar taps greet me, bumping into many colourful freaks along the way..
at sometime around 2:30AM.. I had the silly idea to go to SHOTS, but apparently that place has got all fuckoff popular now (damn my blog publicity) so after waiting 20 minutes in line.. walking in and finding the whole place kinda shit.. I went straight back to CRANKA and kept on drinking.. beers 8-9
at which point, we reach the requisite "CAMERA WHORE" section of my weekend blog.. where my camera gets kidnapped by a selection of howling baboons, all looking to get a mention in me blog..
so, here's some hairy git on the left who's name I can't recall, SAM the doom guitarist from ANGELIK and SEAN KEMP from the bong imploding rock band BOOSTER..
SEAN once more (dammit), that hairy git again (wait, is that a different one?), the lead singer chick from BRUNATEX (who wuz mugging for an appearance since earlier tonight at FOWLERS) and that dude from RUSSIAN TEAMMATE (damn good band pity it's no longer around.. but I heard a reunion gig is in the cards.. aaaaye?)
and of course, I had to get in on the retarded action.. oh, and that other idiot is the infamous RICHARD from TONY FONT SHOW.. apparently he claims I delete all the photo's of moving on stage.. yeah? well.. I certaintly don't delete the DRUNK ONES.. AAAAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHA!!
with things getting rapidly too messy for my brain to handle (especially after this performance on the tables outside CRANKA) me and SEAN pile into STUCKEY's car at 4AM and get the fuck out've there in search of some pisshead food..
we then find ourselves at CAFE DE VILIS.. I think I remembered eating at least 3 meat pies in a drunken gorgefest and apparently they even serve beer in this place? woooooo! ROCK!
SEAN's passed out in the car, looking very much the worse for wear (speaking of such, tune into JOE BLOG's
later in the week.. since from wot I recall, he's got photo's of SEAN from the CRANKA so horrifying.. only HE would ever be crazy enough to publish them.. MUHAHAHA!)
anyhoo.. after about an hour or so of this nonsense, we leave CAFE DE VILIS somewhere past 5AM.. I fall out've STUCKEY's car as I'm dropped off at my place.. 5:30AM.. key to the door.. home and unconciousness..
thus ends one fuckin' nuttyarse night and weekend of self destruction :)
Previously on Spoz's Rant: Mr Self Destruct